


Light Shines Eternal

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anti-Monarchist David, Autistic Matteo, Canon Trans Character, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, Found Family, Friendship, Getting Together, King Matteo, M/M, Magic, True Love, Undiagnosed Depression and Autism Spectrum Disorder, royal au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:03:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 214,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22544065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: Matteo has been the king of Florenzia for three months and absolutely hates it, but in his parent’s absence, he must passively carry on. Meanwhile, not too far from the palace, David is the leader of a developing anti-monarchy revolution that fuels his fiery soul. After an act of artistic protest brings Matteo and David together, nothing will ever be the same for them or for Florenzia.
Relationships: Jonas Augustin/Hanna Jung, Laura/Linn, Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck), Matteo Florenzi/Sara Adamczyk
Comments: 283
Kudos: 234





	1. When Light Goes Out, It Burns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I’m so happy to share Light Shines Eternal with all of you! Simply put, this is an enemies to lovers Royalty AU featuring pretty much all the Druck characters, a big emphasis on personal growth and so much love— both romantic and platonic. 
> 
> This fic doesn’t take place in our world or on our timeline, so while it is vaguely mid-evil, things are not meant to be historically accurate. There are some modern technologies in Florenzia (as well as magic!), but I think that aspect is explained in the fic. I'm always happy to answer any questions about the world. The POV switches back and forth between Matteo and David within chapters, but there are breaks and the POV will be clear. Also, this fic has an accompanying playlist that follows the narrative of the story and will be updated with each chapter. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ?si=3Q7DTyPFQeSvXfPrKrvmpQ
> 
> As an autistic woman, I headcanon Matteo as autistic, so it is impossible for me to write him without that coloring my characterization of him. While it wasn’t my original intention, I do consider this an Autistic Matteo fic, but it is not primarily about his autism like my other series is. Matteo is also experiencing depression here, but truly, this story is about so much more than Matteo’s neurodivergence. 
> 
> As always, I am not trans and hope that I have done David and the trans experience justice in my writing of David. 
> 
> And last but certainly not least, this fic was proofread/betaed by my amazing friend Haven! I am dyslexic, so spelling and copy editing have always been a challenge for me as a writer. While I can’t promise you won’t find any mistakes, this fic is far more polished than it would ever have been without the help and support Haven. Haven has been so wonderful in the long process of writing this fic and has been there for me every step of the way. So a million thank you's and so much love to them! 
> 
> Okay! Sorry, that was long! Without further ado, Light Shines Eternal, Chapter One— When Light Goes Out, It Burns.

When you grow up the prince of a kingdom founded on light, you get used to always being able to see. There had always been light in Matteo’s life— street lights on at all hours of the night, bright fluorescent light fixtures in every room in the palace, desk lamps to work by and flashlights to illuminate the path ahead— and Matteo knew it was an absolute privilege to grow up in a kingdom so full of light when so much of the world still lived in near darkness. So many people called light “the gift of Florenzia,” and even though Matteo was never sappy enough to call in that in everyday conversation, he figured that “gift” was a pretty accurate way of describing it, or at least that was what he had been taught. 

Many generations ago, well over a century before Matteo was even born, his great, great grandfather discovered the mostly unincorporated land of Florenzia. The land wasn’t called Florenzia back then, of course; it wasn’t called anything. It was just a collection of unincorporated villages and towns until Matteo’s great, great grandfather showed up on his horse and united the people under his name and his gift— light. 

Matteo didn’t know how he did it, no one did, but he rode into the largest of the old towns, Caldwell, with a handheld lamp that emitted a bright light unlike anything the townspeople had ever seen. Candles and sometimes gas were all they had to light their lives, but when he came to Caldwell, he showed them there was a better way. He told them that he had an infinite supply of his special light, and that he would give it to them on two conditions; they were never allowed to ask questions about where it came from and he was to be made the king of every town and village who accepted the gift.

All it took for the people of Caldwell to say yes was him showing them that the light could be installed anywhere— on the ceiling, in a lamp, a lantern— and it could shine without faltering forever. It was the same in every town and village, and eventually, King Clarence The Great ruled over a vast land that he named after himself, Florenzia. 

Over the years, Florenzia developed into one of the most prominent kingdoms known to man, full of light and great unity. Every Florenzian had that special light in their homes, their shops, and their schools. They all worshiped the man who brought it to them, even after he died and passed the throne on to his son, who kept the lights shining throughout Florenzia. Every King and Queen did. Florenzia was nothing without light. 

But, lately, Matteo felt like he was in the dark. There was light everywhere he looked, every nook and cranny of the castle illuminated, but that really wasn’t the case. There was more secrecy and darkness than ever in the palace— and in Matteo himself.

It was simplest to say it all started three months ago, but Matteo knew that wasn’t entirely true. The darkness had been building up for his whole life, creeping in even before, but everything became unavoidable three months ago when he became the King of Florenzia.

At age 17, he was the youngest monarch to ever sit on the throne, and even though many people in the kingdom seemed to think it was an exciting record to break, Matteo was terrified. He was in no way ready to be king. He wasn’t even sure he ever wanted to be king, let alone at age 17 because his parents had both given up their crowns and left the palace in ways that made Matteo shutter when he let his memories replay. Everything he had ever known had been completely uprooted; he went from a sad, lonely teenage boy with one too many secrets to king in just a matter of days. In his head, he called it the worst week of his life, though every week after seemed to be competing for the title.

Matteo thought it would get better if he told just one person he was gay. Just minutes before his coronation, he had broken down and told his best friend Jonas everything, except for the fact that he used to be just a little bit into him, back when his greatest concern was crushing on his straight best friend, not ruling over a kingdom of hundreds of thousands. Maybe it helped a bit, having one person with a better picture of his tumultuous mind, but it really didn’t do that much. 

Matteo thought it would get better if he had an expert team of advisors around him. All of his parents’ advisors had stuck around, and even Jonas and his girlfriend, Hanna, another friend of Matteo’s, were invited to be advisors as well. But all the formal advisors did was just stress him out with all their proposals and treaties and political debates and so many things he had to do every single day. It was nice to have his friends around, but sometimes it just made Matteo feel fake, having the two of the only people who cared about him on his royal payroll.

Matteo thought it would get better when he turned 18, a milestone that meant he was an adult now and thus maybe better equipped to be king. But as he sat alone at his own party, watching Jonas and Hanna kiss in the corner and Queen Amira of Yogalla, his only other friend, dance with Mohammad just minutes after announcing their engagement, Matteo couldn’t help but feel so profoundly lonely. Turning 18 just reminded Matteo of all that he didn’t have.

Matteo thought it would get better if he found himself a queen, someone to rule alongside him so he wouldn’t be solely responsible for Florenzia, but more so he wouldn’t be so alone. But sitting there on his throne, waiting for Hanna and Jonas to return from walking out the four women Hanna had brought in as possible queens for him, Matteo was starting to feel like this was destined to be another failed attempt at getting his life back on track. He didn’t let that sinking feeling in his stomach stop him, though. _What do I have to lose? I’ve already lost just about everything, and it wasn’t like I had much before._

Matteo glanced over to the flag of Florenzia that hung proudly on the wall to his right. 

“Light Shines Eternal” the motto on the flag read. 

_What a joke,_ Matteo thought, shaking his head as he looked away.

When he turned his head, though, Hanna and Jonas were standing right in front of him.

“Whoa, hi,” Matteo said, a bit stunned as he came back to reality.

“Um, yeah, hi,” Hanna said, sounding a little unsure. Matteo just looked up at her, confused by her confusion. He expected her to take the lead as she stood, clipboard perched on her hip, but a tiny bit of worry flashed across her face and she peered over to Jonas.

“You doing okay, man?” Jonas asked, stepping a little closer to the throne. “Hanna asked you what you thought. Did you not hear her?” 

“No, sorry, got distracted,” Matteo mumbled, slouching down in the throne and stretching his arms out in front of him nervously as he looked away, embarrassed.

“It’s okay,” Hanna said nonchalantly. “So, what did you think?” she asked, again apparently, sounding way too eager for Matteo’s liking.

“Um,” Matteo said, dropping his arms in his lap as Jonas eyed him carefully. “They were all nice.” 

“Yeah, very nice,” Jonas said, nodding. “Very nice women.”

Matteo glared at Jonas briefly, trying to make his eyes say _“shut up, don’t ruin this.”_ Jonas was definitely sending him back some kind of loaded facial expression, but Matteo really couldn’t grasp what he was trying to tell him. 

Hanna didn’t seem to notice their exchange, though. “Well, yes, I wouldn’t have brought in people who aren’t nice,” she said, smiling a little. 

“Yeah, Hanna’s too good at her job to bring in women who aren’t well suited for you,” Jonas said, and Matteo couldn’t help but feel like there was some intense underlying subtext to his words. Something was telling Matteo that Jonas wasn’t as on board with this plan as he had acted when Matteo had brought it up.

“Thanks, Jonas,” Hanna said sweetly, turning to look at Jonas. “Though now I am thinking that maybe Sam is a little much for Matteo after all.”

“Well, I think Sam has a really cool, subtle wisdom, but, yeah, she might be a bit too spunky for Matteo,” Jonas responded, carrying on as if Matteo wasn’t even there. Not that Matteo really minded. All he could think was, _They would all be better leaders than me and none of them are guys so what difference does it make._ He knew he couldn’t say that, so he figured it was best if he remained silent.

“I totally agree. Sam is fantastic, but just not a match for Matteo. She could be a great queen, but I don’t know if Florenzia is ready for her and her purple hair,” Hanna said, then looked back at her clipboard. “Mia,” Hanna said affectionately, looking up. “Now, I think Mia would be an excellent, excellent queen.” 

“You’re not wrong,” Jonas said. “She is intelligent, posed and her knack for justice is impressive. What do you think about her, Matteo?”

Matteo snapped his eyes back to Jonas, stopping himself from totally zoning out again. “Mia is, um,” he started, trying to sit up straighter in the throne. “She’s a little, maybe, I don’t know—”

“Cold?” Hanna suggested as Matteo tried to fish for the right word. He stopped, though, when Hanna continued. “That’s what I was worried about. She is super smart and beautiful and anyone would be lucky to rule alongside her, but she can be a little cold, and you’re just so warm.”

“Yeah,” Matteo said. He expected Jonas or Hanna to jump in, but when neither of them immediately did, Matteo gave his best attempt at continuing. “She’s cool and all, but I, um, don’t want to have, what did she say, ‘intellectual sparring contests’ over dinner.”

“That’s exactly what she said,” Hanna responded, grin on her face and a little bit of a laugh in her voice. Matteo felt like he had done something right.

“Well, you sure wouldn’t get those from Kiki,” Jonas said, raising his eyebrows, as he moved the conversation forward. “Or, well, Lady Kiki. God forbid I forget she is nobility. I think she told us that like ten times.”

“Kiki,” Hanna sighed. “You guys know I love her and I want her to be happy, and there is nothing that would make her happier than being queen but—”

“But Matteo doesn’t need a yes man,” Jonas said, and Matteo sent him those nervous eyes again, the common turn of phrase being a little close to comfort. “Woman. A yes woman,” Jonas corrected himself, and Matteo dropped his eyes to the red rug below Hanna and Jonas’ feet.

“Okay, so even though Kiki is nobility and a really kind person, it’s going to be a no from you, Matteo?” Hanna asked. 

“Um, yeah,” he said, moving to run his hand through his hair, but stopping he remembered he was wearing his crown. “Who does that leave? Sara?”

“Yup, Sara,” Hanna said, flipping to her page of notes on Sara. “She’s definitely the girl I know the least, with her going to the arts academy in Yogalla and all, but she seemed nice. How well do you know her, Matteo? Probably decently well since her dad is one of your advisors, right?”

“Well, I mean, not really,” Matteo said, shrugging. “I’ve met her a couple of times during the summer when she was home, and stuff, but honestly, Lieutenant Adamczyk doesn’t even talk about her that much, so, yeah, not really.”

“You know, actually, she might be your best match,” Hanna said glancing back over her notes as she walked towards the throne and took up a stance next to Matteo where he sat listening. “Just from that one conversation, she seems chill, but also like she’ll be firm when she needs to be. She is really nice and very smart, but not so smart that you can’t have a conversation with her. Even though she studied in Yogalla, she is a local and she seems to know a lot about the inner works of things around here from her dad. And she does have Yogalla connections as well, I suppose. I know we are best friends with Amira and Florenzia-Yogalla relations have always been really good, ever since we gave them light and they gave us their running water decades ago, but having a queen with experience in both kingdoms could be helpful. She seems friendly and adaptable enough to be a representative of both kingdoms, honestly. I think she would make a good queen for you. And she is really pretty, so that’s a plus.”

Hanna finished with a smile, but Matteo’s eyes fell down to his lap. All of Hanna’s reasons really went in one ear and out the other because Matteo could only focus on one thing, the thing that reminded him of his mother.

“And she is a singer,” Matteo said, voice a little sad. He didn’t need to look up to know that Hanna and Jonas were looking at each other knowingly. Or that Jonas was following Hanna’s lead, walking over to stand on the other side of the throne.

“I think Sara sounds like the perfect woman for you, then,” Jonas said, matching Matteo’s somber tone, placing a friendly hand on Matteo’s shoulder.

“Great,” Matteo said feigning enthusiasm, pushing all his thoughts and feelings aside, as he looked up to Jonas. “So, what now?”

“Well,” Hanna started, and Matteo turned his head to look at her. “Maybe Sara can come back sometime and you guys can have some one on one time, without Jonas and I here. Would you be up for that?”

“Sure, might as well,” Matteo muttered, starting to look back down at his lap, but when he heard the double doors to the throne room open, he glanced back up and saw Hans, his assistant, sauntering in. 

“Your highness. Jonas, Hanna,” Hans greeted as he made the long walk down to the throne. “Your real advisors would like to see you,” he said, as stopped a few feet shy of the throne.

“Hey, we’re real advisors too!” Jonas called out, quickly switching to a lively, playful tone. “I live in the palace now, you know that.”

“And I may not live here, but we are actually advising him right,” Hanna said proudly. “We were just debriefing our selection of possible queens.”

“Yes, yes, I know all about the new living arrangements and your little queen search,” Hans said. “And it is adorable and wonderful and I hope you find the best queen in the world, but there is a difference between being childhood friends turned advisors and studied academics and war heroes turned advisors, you know? No offense.”

“None taken,” Jonas said, smiling at Hans. Matteo just rolled his eyes at their banter. “What is it though? Because I don’t remember a briefing on the schedule for this afternoon?” 

“They found another vandalized building in the town square, more anti-monarchy art,” Hans said, throwing a hand in the air dismissively. “And they think that they have some leads on who might be doing it, or at least that there is a whole group of political trouble makers to worry about. King Matteo can tell you more about it after he gets briefed. Come, your highness,” Hans said, stepping back and gesturing to the doorway with a subtle nod of his head.

“Sorry to end the queen session, guys, but duty calls,” Matteo said, lightheartedly, even though he felt anything but lighthearted as he got up from the throne he hated so much and followed Hans out. Truthfully, he wasn’t sorry. Not at all. 

— — —

David stood focused over the drafting table that had made a permanent residency in the dead space between the kitchen, dining area and the makeshift bedroom of his and Laura’s place ever since the crew had started meeting there. They all preferred to have their meetings in the cellar of Carlos’ family’s welding shop, but a pipe had burst a few weeks ago and the Schmidts didn’t have the money to fix it. Luckily, David and Laura had a small cottage on the edge of the city. There were a few windows, but the curtains could be drawn and it was off the main path, so it was a decent place to hold their secret meetings. There was a lot that David was willing to risk, but the group as a whole couldn’t risk being found out and exposed for being an underground anti-monarchy political revolution. 

“Okay, so after Carlos severs the statue from the base, Laura will use her magic to make the statue easier to carry,” David said, leaning over the large diagram of the city square that he had drawn over a month ago when they first hatched the idea to steal the recently installed statue of their former king. He looked over to Laura who was standing near the table to his left. “Have you figured out how you are going to do that yet?”

“I think so,” Laura said, thoughtfully. “Most of the magic I have mastered is telepathic, so working with an object like this is going to be challenging. But I think I’ve found a spell that should make the statue less heavy. I am still working on the shrinking spell, but it has been a bit harder to get right. So, we will probably be carrying the full-size statue back here.” 

“That should be fine,” David said, looking back down at the diagram. “Though, it is a long walk to be carrying a cumbersome statue, even if it isn’t heavy. We may want to think about finding an alternative storage location.” 

“If you don’t mind the statue getting wet, we’ve got the cellar,” Carlos offered half-heartedly from where he and Abdi sat at the dining table, chairs turned so they were facing David. 

“I think we do mind,” Leonie said, unimpressed, as she stood next to Laura.

“Well, maybe it would be cool,” Abdi suggested, getting into the idea as he spoke. “Like, we hate the old king so much that we didn’t just steal the statue, we let it get all wet and rusty and gross.”

“Not a bad idea,” David said, raising his eyebrows in thought, turning to Laura as he began to speak again.

“I’ve been practicing the size spell a lot, so there is still a chance I’ll be able to do it if we wait a couple of days.” 

“She is getting close,” Linn said from her spot sitting cross-legged on the kitchen counter, barely in David’s view. She didn’t even look up from the block of wood she was whittling. David never knew what she was making while she was making it, but eventually, he would find out when a new wooden figurine would appear somewhere in the cottage.

“Thanks, babe,” Laura said, smiling over at her briefly, before turning her attention back to David. “So hopefully, but I am going to need a few more days.”

“Okay, I am fine waiting on the statue,” David said. “That will give me time to do my mural.” 

“The mural?” Leonie asked, crossing her arms, as she stared daggers into David. “I thought we talked about this.”

“We did,” David said, jaw clenching just a little bit as he looked her up and down, seeing her pursed lips and disgruntled stance. It was really easy for Leonie to slip into haughty disapproval, and David loved her for it, really, he did. It wasn’t as fun to be on the receiving end of her disapproving glare and witty remarks, but David couldn’t lie; a good-hearted back and forth with his best friend from time to time was pretty satisfying— if he won out in the end. 

“Wait, is this the mural David wants to paint on the castle wall?” Abdi asked. He was the only one who was brave enough, or perhaps stupid enough to speak in the middle of the intense staring match that was playing out between David and Leonie. 

“Yes, Abdi,” Leonie said, not moving her eyes. “The giant mural that David wants to paint right on the castle wall where there are guards and lights for miles.”

“There are lights for miles everywhere,” David said bitterly. “This is Florenzia.”

“David, can we please not do this again?” Laura asked, sounding a bit exhausted.

It was moments like this where David remembered that Laura truly was the best older sister in the world for putting up with him and all his friends. She didn’t have to spend her days helping with David’s budding revolution, but Laura was loyal to her family, to her brother, and David was so thankful. So thankful that he tried to listen to Laura.

“Okay, fine, we won’t fight about it again. I understand that you guys don’t want me to do it,” he said, looking back down to the diagram and starting to roll it back up, ready to end the meeting. He could hear Carlos’ chair screech on the floor as he got up. “But I am still going to do it.” 

“Seriously?” Leonie asked, at the same time that Laura sighed. 

“David,” Laura said, shaking her head. “You just said we weren’t going to fight about it.”

“And we’re not,” David said, tying up the diagram with a spare piece of twine. “We are going to agree to disagree.” 

“This meeting isn’t over, is it?” Carlos sighed, sitting back down. 

“Look, I get it,” David said ignoring the chatter of the boys as Abdi patted Carlos’ shoulder in commiseration. “You think it is a bad idea, too risky, not right for the movement.”

“Right, because the art pieces you have already done around town have been small, quick and easy,” Leonie said. “No chance of getting caught. But it would take a miracle for you not to get caught painting a huge ass mural on the literal castle wall.” 

“So, maybe I do get caught, end up in the dungeon or something,” David said, shrugging his shoulders. “Whoever said that was bad for the cause?” He looked back and forth between Laura and Leonie, who were looked at each other now. “What?” he finally asked, rolling his eyes a little at his two favorite girls who were clearly talking about him with their eyes. Or maybe Laura was using her magic. Leonie was really good at hiding the physical symptoms of telepathic communication.

Laura broke her gaze away from Leonie and looked back to David. “You can do more for us out here than you can do in there.”

“Yeah, we need you here, David,” Leonie said, but then she dropped her eyes down, looking past her crossed her arms. “And alive,” she added, a hint of meekness seeping into her voice as she said what no one else had dared to say. 

But now that it was on the table, David was going to take it and use it as he worked his way through his second favorite defense mechanism, overdrawn confidence with a bite fueled by classic avoidance. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” David drawled, leaning back against the wall behind him and looking up dramatically. “‘King has 18-year-old political rebel put to death over vandalism’ sounds like a pretty powerful headline to me.”

“Whoa,” Abdi said, tuning back into the conversation. “Who said anything about death?”

“The punishment for high treason is execution,” Leonie said flatly, turning briefly to stare at Abdi like he was the stupidest man on the planet. David just laughed. 

“Do you have a death wish or something, bro?” Carlos asked, turning to look at David, dumbfounded. 

David pushed himself off the wall, standing up tall again. “You don’t have to want to die to know that sometimes you have to.”

“But you don’t have to, David,” Laura said, stepping closer and placing her hand on his arm. David looked down at her hand, and back up to her worried eyes. She didn’t even need to use her magic to tell David what she was thinking. 

“Laura, this isn’t what you think it is, I promise. Okay? I am good with all that,” David tried to assure her, being intentionally vague. This wasn’t about his past— the days he had barely survived and the demons he had run from— so there was no reason to bring it up. David understood why Laura was concerned, but this wasn’t about him. This was about the movement that David was desperately trying to uphold and pull forward. “I just know that this movement is never going to go anywhere if we aren’t willing to put everything at risk.” 

It was silent for a moment. Laura smiled at him softly, worry and apprehension still clear as day in her eyes. David glanced around the room— Carlos and Abdi sitting quietly, probably too stunned and unsure to say or do anything, Linn, whittling methodically as always, and Leonie still fuming.

“I still think it’s stupid. Doing the mural,” Leonie said, tightening her crossed arms around her chest. She didn’t look at David, just the floor, so he didn’t look at her either.

“Well, you can keep on thinking that. It’s not going to change anything,” he said, grabbing the rolled-up diagram again and placing it in the trunk under the table. 

“Come on David, stop being such a stubborn ass,” Leonie said a second or two later, turning to him as she uncrossed her arms. She was past the petty, detached way of carrying herself when she didn’t get what she wanted, moving on to desperation. “I didn’t spend 13 years away from you at school just for you to get thrown in the dungeon and die 5 months after I moved to Clarence City to be near you.”

“Relax, we spent our summers together,” David said exasperatedly as he stood back up and looked at her with his own version of an unimpressed face. “And we wrote letters constantly. It’s not like Yogalla is even that far away.” 

“It is far enough,” Leonie said coyly, withdrawing some of her desperation. 

“And who’s fault is that?” David asked, harshly, his clenched fists burning in spite. They were well out of light-hearted territory. “Was the fancy arts school worth it?”

“You’re just jealous,” Leonie snapped back.

“Okay, you two, stop it,” Laura said, walking forcefully over to stand between David and Leonie. “You guys are best friends, stop it with the low blows.” She turned to her brother and looked at him with that sad frustration that he pulled out of her more often than he cared to admit. “David, Leonie is just trying to keep you safe. She doesn’t want to lose you, just like I don’t.”

“None of us want to lose you,” Abdi said, tentatively, but still very sincerely. 

David and the girls looked over to the boys at the table, a little thrown off by their sudden reentry into the conversation. David knew that when he got into that place, that angry, bitter, that let-me-smear-your-name-and-get-in-your-face place, even just a little bit the whole rest of the world seemed to disappear.

“Yeah, you are sort of our leader here,” Carlos said, and David was fully back on the ground again, feeling a little touched to hear Carlos calling him that. _Their leader._ David was against absolute power, he was an anti-monarchy activist after all, but there was something special about being seen as a leader, someone who knew what they were doing and knew how to take charge for the greater good.

“And you are our friend,” Abdi added. There was something about that too. 

“Yeah, man,” Carlos agreed. 

“I don’t want you to die either,” Linn piped up, looking up from her block of wood and knife this time. 

Laura looked to David affectionately. “See, this isn’t just about the revolution, okay?” she said. “We all love you and don’t want to see you get hurt or killed. We don’t want to live without you.” 

David was quiet, looking down at his feet in a rare moment of speechlessness and uncertainty. He usually knew just what to say. His brain always ran on warp speed and he was never without a witty comeback, an endearing turn of phrase or an intelligent comment. But standing there, feeling all the love in the room, he couldn’t help but feel a bit hesitant and conflicted. 

_“This isn’t just about the revolution.”_ David played the words over and over in his head, distressed at Laura’s attempt to separate himself from the revolution. He just couldn’t do that. He was too invested in this movement. He cared too much to just be David anymore. This revolution was a part of him, and he couldn’t ignore the calling he felt every day in his bones. He knew more than ever that he needed to paint that mural. It spoke to his soul, and somehow, his need to do it felt beyond cosmic. 

“I appreciate that, I really do. I am glad I have all of you in my life,” David finally said, barely looking back up at everyone. “But I can’t just sit and be silent. I know we’re still planning to steal the statue, and that’s great, but I know I can do more. You guys have to trust me on this. Just— fuck—I’m an artist. I can’t just sit here and not use my art, okay? It is who I am. This is how I speak.” 

“I think you are plenty good at speaking in other ways,” Carlos said, and David was a little surprised he was pressing him on this. He was happy about it, though. Anything to bring himself out of that vulnerable place. 

“Yeah, our last meeting wouldn’t have been half as long if you didn’t go off on one of your anti-monarchy speeches,” Abdi said. 

“And do you have a problem with that?” David asked, fight in his voice again. 

“No, no, it’s great that you know so much and you care enough to speak about it,” Abdi said, sitting up a bit in his chair. “I think maybe we should work on finding a way to use that skill of yours.”

“Well, get me an audience with the king and I’ll use it. But until then,” David said matter-of-factly. “You guys are just going to have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I am going to keep using my art to spread our message.” He pushed himself away from the table, walking fiercely away from the crowd of his friends and family who were watching him in careful silence. He didn’t pay them any mind as he grabbed his paint set from the ground beside his bed. When he stood up, he turned to face them all with one final declaration, “No matter how risky it is.”

David walked out the back door without a second thought or a glance back. 

— — —

Matteo felt restless. He couldn’t stay in his bedroom any longer, pacing around his bed staring at nothing in particular. He had this uneasy feeling in his gut that he couldn’t push away. This happened sometimes, where he felt like his body was trying to tell something, something that he couldn’t quite place. There weren’t really words, there weren’t really emotions. It was just this indescribable feeling of restlessness, like he was too connected to his body and there was something in him trying to escape, trying to take action, but he just didn’t know what to do with it.

He was trying to know what to know what to do with it, though.

He was a few steps from wearing a hole in the fancy wooden floor below his feet, when eventually, a thought came through, from his toes all the way up to his brain. _It’s the queens._

That thought propelled him out of his room before he knew what he was doing. He didn’t even put his shoes back on, which he actually didn’t regret as he thudded down the staircase that lead from his room down to the second floor of the residential wing. The pounding of his feet against the steps was oddly comforting.

Matteo reached Jonas’ door and knocked, louder than he intended to. When Jonas answered, he didn’t look surprised to see Matteo standing there, a little frazzled.

“Hey, man, what’s up?” Jonas asked, a bit of concern in his voice.

“Um,” Matteo said, his voice coming out raspy from lack of use. The sound of his own voice in his ears startled Matteo, reminding him of how he actually operated his life. _What was coming down here even going to solve? I don’t have words for this shit, I never do, so what good is talking to Jonas to do?_

“Come on, let’s talk a walk,” Jonas said, shutting the door and starting to walk down the hall. Matteo merely followed him.

They didn’t speak again until they were outside, Matteo’s bare feet crushing into the carefully cut grass of the garden that filled the otherwise useless space between the castle and the grey brick wall that towered tall over Matteo. The wall made him feel even smaller than he already felt. But there was something about the way the dewy grass felt between his toes as he stared down at them and the way he could hear Jonas breathing and his arms swaying ever so slightly at his side that didn’t make him feel small at all.

“So, how are you feeling about this whole queen thing?” Jonas asked finally, breaking the silence between them. 

“Shitty,” Matteo said, after a moment of processing, even though he figured Jonas already knew that. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Jonas said. “I know it can’t be easy for you.”

“No, it’s not,” Matteo sighed, still looking down. Words in his head were starting to form, but he still didn’t quite know how to say them.

“Well, it’s not like you actually have to do this,” Jonas said, and that sparked something in Matteo.

“Yes, yes, I do,” Matteo said, as aggressive as he thought he could be, which wasn’t very aggressive, really, especially since he was still directing everything down to the grass. 

“But do you? I mean, I know that this whole king thing has been a lot for you—” Jonas started, but Matteo was going now.

“A lot? Jonas, this isn’t me. I am not meant to be the king, okay?” Matteo said, finally looking up at Jonas. “I am too young, too weird, too quiet, too stupid, too unfit for the crown. Everyone knows it. No one respects me. No one thinks I can do this.”

“I think you can do this,” Jonas said, intensely looking Matteo in the eye.

Matteo couldn’t handle the eye contact, so he looked forward as they continued to walk and he muttered, “Yeah, well, you don’t count.”

“Why not? I’m the one who knows you best, you would think I know.”

“You’re too close to this. You’re gonna support me no matter what. But there are plenty of people out there,” Matteo said, vaguely pointing to the wall. “Who won’t support me. Who don’t. You see your lifelong best friend, basically your brother. They see some orphaned kid who is way too in over his head. I mean, there are people running around the city painting shit like ‘down with the crown’ and ‘monarchy is criminal’ and they found one earlier today that said ‘MatteOhNo.’”

“Is that what that briefing was about?” Jonas asked.

“Yeah, they think there is a whole group of them that are trying to stir up anti-monarchy sentiment. Lieutenant Adamczyk got a tip or something,” Matteo said, then his voice got a little quieter. “There was never this kind of backlash when my parents were on the throne.”

“People hated the war, you know that,” Jonas said. 

“Yeah, the war, not my mom or my dad. But now they hate me. My people hate me. They don’t respect me. They don’t think I can do this. And they are right!” Matteo said, volume peaking as he threw an arm in the air. He glanced at the alarmed look on Jonas’ face, and softened his voice again as he looked down at his slow-moving feet. “I am not suited for this. Some people are natural-born leaders, and I am a natural-born waste of space.”

“Please don’t talk about yourself like that, man? Okay?” Jonas said sternly, but Matteo could sense the genuine care in his voice, so he took a chance and looked back up at him. “I know that this has been so overwhelming, taking on the throne at such a young age and right as your dad left and your mom, well, you know. But you have to give it time. Things will settle down.” 

“Yeah right,” Matteo scoffed softly, looking back down, his crown slipping to the left as he did. 

“Yeah, you’ll grow into your crown, little one,” Jonas said, smiling kindly as he repositioned the crown on Matteo’s head. Matteo couldn’t help but crack a lopsided smile as he looked up into Jonas’s eyes. These were the kind of moments that had made him fall for Jonas all those years ago. But feelings fade when you realize you aren’t capable of love. 

“Thanks, man,” Matteo mumbled. “But that doesn’t change the fact that for right now, I am failing at this king thing. I need someone to help me with all this.”

“You have me,” Jonas said. “Hanna, Hans, all your advisors, even Amira. You have all of us.”

“Having a great team of advisors isn’t going to get the people on my side,” Matteo said. “But marrying an amazing young woman who knows how to be the perfect queen? That will.”

“But you won’t be happy,” Jonas said. 

“That doesn’t matter does it, though?” Matteo asked rhetorically. “Plus, I will be happy if people stop painting things like ‘Matteo is not my king’ on the side of buildings.” 

“Well sure, but I just don’t want you to give up on yourself, okay?” Jonas said. “Like, okay, let’s stop thinking about this queen thing from a political standpoint. If you didn’t need a queen to please the public, what would you do?”

“Probably just rule alone until I die in that fucking throne room.”

“Seriously?” 

“What other choice do I have? Come out to the entire kingdom?” Matteo asked, shrugging his shoulders. “Like, that won’t end well. I mean, I know that people are more accepting these days, but my grandfather’s decree that ‘homosexuals and other sexual deviants are the enemy of all well-intending men’ still has a legacy in this kingdom. Just because one of the teachers at the girls’ academy came out and she didn’t get hung doesn’t mean that this kingdom is really a great place to be gay. And even if it was, it’s different for me. I mean, a gay king? I can’t come out. Plus, I don’t even want to. Why would I ever come out if I am never going to find someone?” 

“What do you mean? Never find someone?” Jonas asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.

“Like, I am never going to fall in love, find a guy who actually fits with me and loves me back,” Matteo scoffed. “Even if it was possible, where am I even supposed to find him?”

“You just put yourself out there. I don’t know where exactly, but you meet all sorts of people as king,” Jonas said, shrugging. “And then you just find that person who you connect with, give it some time to develop, and then before you know it, you are so deep in love that you can’t imagine your life without her. Him, for you, that is.” 

“I’ll never find the Hanna to my Jonas,” Matteo said flatly. Jonas just gave him a look that even Matteo knew meant “come on, man” and Matteo rolled his eyes. “It just feels so impossible, me in love, being loved, giving love. But that’s okay with me. I’ve accepted my fate. It sucks, but I’m just being real. Maybe it would suck a little less if I didn’t have to spend my whole life with Sara or whoever, but again, I’m just being real. I need a queen.” 

“Wait,” Jonas said suddenly, arm flying to Matteo’s chest, stopping them both dead in their tracks just shy of one the castle wall’s main gate. “Did you hear that?”

“No, I was too busy going on about my loveless future,” Matteo deadpanned. But then, he heard it, footsteps on the other side of the wall. Frantic footsteps, moving left and right, sliding across the cobblestones. There was someone there, someone who knew they were about five seconds away from being caught. 

“Guards!” Jonas yelled, and Matteo jumped a bit, not expecting the booming voice to ring out so close to his ear. Jonas lunged forward, peering through the gate, and Matteo followed him quickly, knowing what was about to happen. He had a tiny window of opportunity to see whoever was out there, and he wasn’t about to waste it. 

And he was damn glad he didn’t, because there, frantically standing up on the other side of the gate, was the most beautiful man Matteo had ever seen. 

Matteo had never been so thankful for the excessive amount of light in Florenzia than in that moment. Matteo could see him perfectly. His heart picked up speed and time slowed around him as he stared through the gate, his mind diving into possibilities he couldn’t get enough of. 

The man— _is he a man? He looks my age, does that make me a man?_ — had olive skin that Matteo knew he could get lost in. Deep brown eyes that cut through to Matteo’s truest core. A nose ring that Matteo desperately wanted to see up close. Dark hair laced in intricate curls that Matteo just knew would feel amazing between his own fingers. In his right hand was a brown case, splattered with just a bit of colorful paint. He wore the simplest of clothes, thick long sleeves and loose-fitting pants, all black. _When you look that good you don’t need fancy clothes. Holy shit he’s looking right at me. He looks fearless._

Overwhelmed, Matteo wanted to rip his eyes away, but something kept him staring. Matteo’s stomach turned over and his skin came alive. His body was trying to tell him something again. _But this time, I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing._

Just as that thought broke through the madness, he felt the hands of several guards latch on to him, pulling him away and to what they deemed as safety. He didn’t get to see the other set of guards apprehending the man, but he heard it.

“Get him!”

“He’s running away!”

“Stop in the name of the crown!”

“Got him!”

“You aren’t going anywhere!”

“Captain, captain, look at the wall. He’s the vandalizer.”

“The king will be so delighted we caught him.”

And the king was, but for reasons that no one in Florenzia could have ever predicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> I'll be posting every Monday, so I'll see you next week for Chapter 2— Just One Spark Starts A Fire! :)


	2. Just One Spark Starts a Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> First of all, thanks for all the support on chapter one! I'm really excited to share the next chapter with you all! I hope you enjoy! :) 
> 
> The playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ

David woke up with the sun. He kept his eyes closed as its rays streamed through the tiny, barred window on the wall above him. Before long, the inside of David’s eyelids glowed more red than black, and he opened his eyes to see the illuminated cell engulfing him.   
  
He hadn’t gotten a good look at the cell or the dungeon the night before. The guards had caught him barely a yard away from the castle, and had dragged him through the garden and the great hall to a door that led to a staircase. David had been careful not to miss a step as they shoved him down, force firmer than he had expected. There was some kind of spite coming through the tightening grips on his wrists and shoulders, and it was absolutely sickening to David that these men felt so much hatred towards him for having the audacity to display his beliefs.  
  
The staircase itself was well lit, but when they reached the bottom and the captain of the guard opened another door, all the light was gone. They pushed David into a dark hallway, devoid of any shape or form in the near pitch black. There was a little bit of glow fading in, maybe from the moon or more likely from the lights surrounding the castle, but even with that, the hallway was just about the darkest place David had ever been. One guard pulled out a flashlight, and David could make out bars and walls sectioning off the dungeon into uncountable cells, one of which he was thrown into before the guards left him there, locked away.  
  
David didn’t feel tired in the slightest. He felt more amped up than ever. There was this buzzing energy inside he couldn’t wait to get out. But he did wait, because what else was he supposed to do in the darkness?  
  
But as the sun finally illuminated the world around him, David could start up again. The first thing he did as he stood up from the cold floor he had been sleeping on was take in the dungeon, noticing every detail as only an artist would.  
  
His cell was fairly small, smaller than it had seemed in the dark, but still large enough that it took David a few strides to make it up to the bars. He ran his finger down one of the bars, the rough texture of the rust waking him up a bit more. He looked down to his finger, still clean somehow.   
  
David stepped up closer to the bars, and did his best to look out. Across from him were more cells that looked identical to his. He looked left and right. His line of vision was shallow, but he could see to the end of the hallway on either side. There were 20 cells, if David’s eyes didn’t betray him, which was a very rare, rare occasion.   
  
The most stunning thing about the dungeon was not the number of cells or the complete lack of lighting. It was that the dungeon was entirely empty, save David himself.   
  
He was a little shocked to find out that the kingdom didn’t have a backlog of criminals rotting away down there, petty thieves and arsonists and even other rebels and voices of decent life himself.   
  
_Why am I surprised? King Matteo can’t run this kingdom for shit, no shock that the justice system is failing._   
  
David caught himself laughing at his thought, the faint sound echoing through the dungeon. But then, David bit his lip and looked to the ceiling. 

_King Matteo._   
  
He had seen him the night before, just for a split second, before David’s brain kicked in and his feet remembered to run for his life. He wasn’t lying when he told Laura and Leonie that he would do whatever the cause needed, even getting arrested, but he wasn’t an idiot. He wasn’t just going to stand there and let the guards take him without a little bit of a fight.   
  
He almost had though, that glimpse of King Matteo throwing his logic and focus out the window. He wasn’t sure why, though. Maybe it was just that feeling of seeing someone in real life for the first time, right in front of your eyes. Not a reprint of a family portrait in your history book or painting on the wall of your school or from far away at a coronation you only attended so you could roll your eyes and shout protests while everyone else cheered.   
  
This time King Matteo Florenzi was standing right in front of him, only a few feet and gate away. And he was looking right at him, some kind of captivation blazing in his eyes.   
  
_Anyone would have been a bit thrown off and frozen in that moment. Yeah, don’t overthink that shit.  
  
But you might have gotten away if you hadn’t lost focus.  
  
Well, I guess that is just one more reason to hate his royal highness._  
  
Those were the kinds of thoughts that occupied David’s mind as he paced around the cell, waiting for something to happen. His strong internal clock told him it was three hours of thoughts like that.   
  
David knew the policies of the justice system in Florenzia; he knew he was overdue for a meal. So, when he heard the door to the dungeon swing open, he wasn’t surprised. In fact, he was more than prepared to throw a plethora of quips about going hungry at whoever walked through the door.  
  
But it was King Matteo who walked through the door, along with a collection of guards and advisors.  
  
All of his retorts forgotten, David pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against. He stood tall and firm, masking the way his heart sped up a little from what he told himself was disbelief and confusion.  
  
“My king,” the captain of the guard said, standing rather close to the bars as the crowd of people settled in the hallway. “This is David Schreibner of Clarence City. He is the 18-year-old young man responsible for vandalizing the castle wall last night, and presumably the other instances of vandalism we have found throughout the city.”  
  
“We’ve already briefed the king on this matter,” a tall man with greying hair grunted. He stood near King Matteo, who was cowering so far in the back that it almost looked like he was leaning on the bars of the cell across the hall.  
  
“Of course, Lieutenant Adamczyk,” the captain said, bowing his head as he took a few steps back and got out of the way.   
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk stepped up closer to the bars. “Get your ass up here,” he commanded.   
  
“No,” David responded quickly and confidently as he shifted his eyes from King Matteo to Lieutenant Adamczyk and tilted his head slyly.   
  
“You make me sick, no respect for authority, just like I thought,” Lieutenant Adamczyk sneered.   
  
“Congrats, you correctly guessed the dominating quality of a treasonist— hatred of authority,” David quipped back, crossing his arms, and leaning back against the wall again. He may have momentarily lost his edge when he saw King Matteo walk in the room, but he was back on his game.  
  
“Ha, not even smart,” Lieutenant Adamczyk laughed, looking around at the various men in the room, before turning back to David. “You just confessed to treason.”  
  
“I didn’t need to confess, jackass. You all caught me in the fucking act,” David said. “Wouldn’t have picked the castle wall if I didn’t want to make some noise.”  
  
He could see Lieutenant Adamczyk’s nostrils flaring, and David couldn’t quell the devious smirk that crept onto his lips.   
  
“I can’t stand him anymore,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, waving a hand and turning around. “King Matteo, he’s all yours.”  
  
Hearing those words dropped the smirk right from David’s lips.   
  
“Um,” Matteo mumbled out, slowly and hesitantly stepping forward from the opposite bars.   
  
“Just like we talked about,” a tall skinny man with a clipboard said to Matteo. It was obvious that he was trying to whisper, but everyone could hear him. _Not the kind of guy who excels at whispering._  
  
“Right, okay,” Matteo said, voice shaking and cracking as he walked up to the bars. He was so quiet. _Now, he most certainly is the kind of guy who is excellent at whispering._  
  
David somehow found himself walking up to meet Matteo at the bars, but he stopped a few steps away when he realized that his feet had been moving without his brain’s permission. _Shit, snap out of it._   
  
“Welcome to the dungeon, your majesty,” David said lowly. _Wow, that sounded a lot meaner in my head. And a lot less flirty. Flirty? Shut the fuck up._   
  
“I, um,” Matteo stuttered out, clearly thrown off too. “My, um, my advisors,” Matteo said, fiddling with his long sleeves and circling his eyes around the room. He looked everywhere but at David as he spoke. “They have told me that, um, you have, um, committed high treason and that high treason is punishable by death. And, um, I mean, you said it yourself, we caught you painting or whatever. So, they say that we don’t even really need a trial since they saw you and I saw you, and so we should just move forward with the punishment. Like soon.”  
  
David wasn’t sure if Matteo was done stumbling over his words; he probably could have gone on like that forever. About half way through, David started to pick up on something. He shifted his weight onto his back foot, and crossed his arms again. He tilted his head to the side and looked deeply into Matteo. When Matteo stopped to catch a shallow breath, David asked, “What do you think?”  
  
Matteo stopped his fumbling, and finally looked David straight in the eye. “What?”   
  
David told himself he was trying to antagonize Matteo, but with his eyes looking at him like that, so desperate for someone to give him a chance, David wasn’t so sure antagonizing was the whole story. He couldn’t stop his voice from spilling out a sincerity he didn’t know he could possess as he asked again, “What do _you_ think?”   
  
“I, uh,” Matteo said, and looked away. “Don’t know.”   
  
David took a step back and shook his head a little bit, as if to shake himself out of whatever state he had just fallen into. Whatever it was, he wanted out. It felt all too real and tender for David. Real and tender weren’t the kinds of things that got revolutionaries where they wanted.   
  
“Do you even know why I did what I did?” David asked, regaining his suave mask of superiority.   
  
“I’m, um, not sure I do,” Matteo managed to get out. David waited for a moment, and Matteo eventually spoke again. “Can you tell me why?”  
  
“Gladly,” David said. He turned around, and started pacing as he dove into his easiest and most familiar state. “This Kingdom was founded on the principle of light, was it not? Your great, great grandfather showed up to a handful of villages, who were all functioning just fine with candle light and gas light, I might add, and brought them artificial light that could stay on for hours at a time. It changed everything. And I can’t blame the people of those villages for jumping at the chance to have stable light, and I would be a hypocrite if I said I got nothing out of your great, great grandfather’s gift. But I also can’t sit around and pretend that your great, great grandfather didn’t also bring the people of these lands a terrible, terrible curse; monarchy. He could have easily just brought the light and shared in the bounty of it. But, no, he demanded the people, the vulnerable who depended on him, make him their king. And, sure, maybe he deserved praise, deserved to be in charge. He was a powerful, resourceful man. But what in god’s name makes his ancestors worthy?”  
  
“I think we have heard enough,” Lieutenant Adamczyk interrupted, but David just spun around, scowling directly at him.   
  
“No, no I don’t think you have. I don’t think any of you have,” David said, turning his attention back to King Matteo. _Ignore the way he is looking at you, David. Don’t think about the fact that he looks scared and infatuated and totally innocent. He isn’t innocent._ David’s eyes sharpened and he stepped up closer to the bars again. “That was the past, the foundation you and your family have built your empire on. But I don’t just have a problem with the fundamental concept of monarchy. I have a problem with you and your parents, goddamn joke of a royal family.” David shook his head, watching King Matteo look away like David had stabbed him in the side.   
  
“My whole life, I have watched your parents sit on that throne, doing absolutely nothing for this kingdom, for the people on the other side of the walls you have built around this castle,” David continued. “Did you know that only 28% of women in this kingdom get a full education? Even with Clarence Academy accepting female students now? 28%. Unacceptable. Most of the towns and villages don’t even have an upper level academy for the boys to attend. And sure, apprenticeships go a long way, but there are more young people than available opportunities. So, what happens when, oh, I don’t know, your father starts a war and all the working men have to go fight for their kingdom? Those apprenticeships disappear. Teachers disappear. The poverty level doubles and unemployment is the only option. Middle age women have been conditioned to believe that they can't do anything except keep a home and the young women who wanted to work don’t have people to train them. Mothers and sisters and caretakers are trying to keep up with everything and people aren’t happy. They are spread thin, depressed, anxious out of their minds. Do you know that there are war veterans living on the streets because they are too emotionally scarred or physically injured to go back to their old jobs? Do you know that there is systemic racism in Florenzia that makes life ten times harder for people of color in this kingdom? Do you even know we exist? Hell, do you know that queer people exist and are marginalized every single day? I mean, do you know what it feels like to walk around and just know that half the people you meet think you deserve to go to hell for being who you are and loving who you love?”  
  
Matteo glanced up at David, eyes meeting his. David was a little thrown off to see Matteo looking at him again, and the story his face told was tantalizing to David. He looked nervous, snapped to attention, like David was pulling the curtain back to something. David had to convince himself that the look on Matteo’s face came from intolerance, not from personal connection. He just couldn’t go there, not when he was doing so well marching through his anti-monarchy stump speech and doing so well forgetting the upside down feeling in his stomach.   
  
“I bet you know nothing about the real lives of people in this kingdom. Because, how could you?” David continued. “Your dad spent all his energy on making and defending his right to export artificial light to every kingdom on this fucking planet. And your mom, I mean, what did she even do besides stand by your father’s side? She fits perfectly into those stats, 28% of women being educated? And, you, I mean, you couldn’t even handle a year of primary school. Must be pretty nice having a tutor come to the palace every day to teach you your letters and numbers. No wonder you are just as out of touch as your parents. They never taught you how to be a true Florenzian. And they certainly never taught you how to be king. I mean, I get it, no one thought that you would have to take over at 17. But, honestly, I wasn’t surprised to hear that your dad jumped ship. He was a fucking coward. A hypocrite. Worst king ever. Besides you, maybe, but I guess the jury is still out. But if these three months are anything to go by, everyone better brace themselves for more systemic unrest, poverty, social inequality and suffering. Not too different than the past 20 years, though, is it? At least your dad pretended to care about this kingdom, though. Your mom, not so much. I mean, she jumped ship too. Which is probably for the best because, let’s be honest, she was a prop this whole time, totally absent from any real work. She was really good for nothing, wasn’t she? I feel bad for you, honestly, growing up with her as a mom and—”   
  
“You have no right to talk about things you don’t understand!” Matteo cried out, his scratchy and breathy voice cutting David off.   
  
David had gotten so into caught up in his rant that he had lost focus on Matteo in front of him, but now he was all that David could see. He was a little red in the face, his fists were clenched at his sides and he looked on the verge of tears. David couldn’t tell if this was his version of angry or sad, maybe ashamed or hurt, but whatever it was, it wasn’t the desired intent of David’s speech. Maybe it was supposed to be, but it didn’t feel right. Seeing Matteo like that, disgruntled and in pain, should have brought David a sick satisfaction. But instead he just felt sick.   
  
David stood there, shocked into silence, not sure where to go from there. His brain was screaming _keep going, you have a million possible rebuttals for that._ But his heart was telling him to slow down, to stop, to listen.  
  
But Matteo wasn’t saying anything. Those eleven words had taken so much out of him, David could tell. So, for a moment, they just stood there, barely two feet apart with rusty old bars between them, breathing heavily and staring into each other’s eyes in a way that felt all too uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time.   
  
“Matteo,” the tall skinny man said, and David saw him slowly walking towards Matteo out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe we should go back upstairs.” When he reached Matteo, he lightly placed a hand on his shoulder and Matteo immediately flinched away. The man removed his hand, and Matteo reached up to rub his shoulder.   
  
“Yeah, um, we should go,” Matteo whispered, turning around and taking a few steps away.   
  
“Wait, your highness,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. “You need to make a decision. Are we going to proceed without a trial? Should we start preparing the execution arrangements?”  
  
Matteo looked back at David, somber with a hint of anguish. “Yeah,” he said with the tone to match his face. Now David felt like he was the one being stabbed in the side. “You were all right. I was wrong to think coming down here was a good idea. Sorry for wasting everyone’s time.”  
  
“Of course, your majesty,” the captain of the guard said, bowing slightly as he opened the door out of the dungeon.   
  
Matteo turned back around and continued walking, leaving the dungeon, followed by all the guards and advisors. David turned away from the site, kicking the ground as his thoughts raced and his heart pounded. He didn’t like the feeling.  
  
A clanking sound prompted him to turn back around. A young guard with blonde hair was standing back up, and turning to walk away. Slid under the lowest bars was a metal plate. His breakfast; one piece of bread and a half rotten apple.   
  
After the guard left him alone again, David walked over to the plate. He bent down to pick up the apple, inspecting the brown spots and decaying cavities. He wasn’t thinking about the apple though. He was thinking about what the fuck had just happened, and cursing himself for being so conflicted about every moment of his time with Matteo. _King Matteo_ , he reminded himself.   
  
David turned back around, gripping the apple in his hand. There was anger bubbling inside him. He didn’t know whether the anger was left over from not getting to complete his hateful anti-monarchy speech or if it was anger directed at himself for hurting Matteo in a way that he didn’t realize would also hurt himself. He tried to figure it out, but all trying did was just make him angrier and angrier. Without even knowing what he was doing, he threw the apple across the cell. It hit the high on the wall with an explosive smack, and David starred in distraught awe at the destruction, moldy apple flesh flying around the room and settling on the dusty, dirty floor beneath his feet.   
  
———  
  
Matteo was really no stranger to sleepless nights. He knew them well, those nights where he would toss and turn for hours, trying every sleeping position as he begged his body to give it up and go to sleep because he was so deeply tired. Then eventually, he would just pass out from pure exhaustion mere hours before he would be forced up by Hans so he could start another day that would just make him more tired.   
  
Usually, his mind was rather blank. Not that he didn’t think about the terrible shit that had happened that day or the hopeless promises of the days ahead, but those were just passing under currents, the wind blowing in the background of otherwise still winter day.   
  
The sleepless night after begging to go visit David with his advisors, and then being blown back by how wrong he felt about what he thought his gut was telling him— that sleepless night was different. He was just as exhausted and agitated, kicking his feet at the comforter and slamming his head down into the pillow, but his usually blank mind was filled with words this time— David’s words.  
  
_“Goddamn joke of a royal family.”  
  
“He was a fucking coward.”  
  
“Worst king ever. Besides you.”  
  
“She was really good for nothing, wasn’t she?”_  
  
Matteo should have wanted him dead— he had told his advisors and guards that he did— but something nagged in his stomach, telling him he had made the wrong call.  
  
There was something about David that Matteo just couldn’t let go of. It was in the way he carried himself. The way he asked Matteo _“what do you think?”_ The way the look on David’s face and the tone in his voice somehow told Matteo that there was more to the story, more to the spiteful, impassioned political rebel in the dungeon three floors beneath him who had painted his hatred all across the city and somehow cemented a place in Matteo’s head.   
  
Matteo turned to lie flat on his back in his bed, bringing his hands up to run over his face and through his hair. He let out a frustrated groan, knowing what he had to do. He pushed away the comforter, and got out of bed. His feet hit the rug and he switched on the lamp on his bedside table, but as soon as the room flooded with soft light, Matteo took in a sharp breath.  
  
_What am I even doing? This is insane._  
  
Matteo sighed, determination gone with one thought, and walked sluggishly to the window next to the bedside table. It was the only window— the only glimpse of the outside world— in his gold encrusted bedroom. As he looked out, biting his thumbnail absentmindedly, he fixed his gaze on the city that stretched out for miles.  
  
He had been out in the city before, but never for more than a few hours, never more than a visit to the Academy or to Hanna’s home. He had never shopped in the city square or eaten a meal from a street vendor or explored the back alleyways or worked a job. He didn’t know what it was like to live out there.  
  
_“They never taught you how to be a true Florenzian.”_  
  
He had always known that, but when David said it, Matteo heard it in a new light. He had heard all the things he didn’t know, all the missing information, all the flaws of this system that he was so compliance in. It hurt. But Matteo knew that David wasn’t wrong.  
  
Matteo turned away from the window, his resolve poignant again. He put one foot in front of the other, but as his eyes glanced around his room, he stopped just two steps away from the window.  
  
_Why would he want to see me? Talk to me? Be woken up by me? It’s the middle of the fucking night! I’m just some stupid kid living in a stupid room that isn’t even meant for the king._  
  
The room that was meant for the king was empty underneath Matteo’s feet on a special wing of the residential floor. Matteo had been given the chance to move in when he took over as king, but it just felt wrong to reinhabit the room where his mother and father had lived for years. It was the room where they had fallen in and out of love, screaming at each other so loud that Matteo could hear it coming up through the floorboards. He didn’t want to think about that room, let alone live there.  
  
So, he elected to stay at the very top of the castle, on the third floor that only consisted of his room. It was the perfect room the oldest prince or princess to live in; removed enough from the rest of the castle for a little bit of freedom, equipped with a view that said “look out at all that will one day be yours,” and the small corridor just outside the room even had a hidden door that lead to a secret spiral staircase.  
  
Matteo smiled as he stood frozen in his room, remembering all the times he and Jonas had run up and down those stairs as kids, playing stupid games and wreaking innocent havoc.  
  
_Those stairs go to the dungeon._  
  
The smile fell from his face, David and his words creeping back into his mind.  
  
_“Do you know what it feels like to walk around and just know that half the people you meet think you deserve to go to hell for being who you are and loving who you love?”_  
  
Matteo knew he just had to go down there. It felt inevitable, no matter how insecure he felt.  
  
Matteo moved with force he didn’t know he was capable of, and quickly threw on the least royal thing he could find in his dresser— a simple white button-down shirt and a pair of black trousers that were a bit big on him.  
  
He walked back over to his bedside table, and shook his head as he grabbed his crown, trying not to think too hard about what he was doing. He knew if he thought too hard he would just collapse back into bed. He looked at the crown in his hands, gold with blue jewels, then tossed it back on the table as he walked away.  
  
He was just about to stuff his feet back into his shoes and leave his room when he remembered that there was no light in the dungeon.  
  
Matteo crouched down over the chest at the end of his bed, and started rummaging around for his flashlight. He found it, but he dropped it when he saw an old lantern with a candle enclosed inside. His mother had pulled it out of storage once, many years ago, to show Matteo what life was like back in the olden days. He had forgotten it was still in his room, so when he picked it up, his heart swelled with memories and longing. He found the firestriker in the chest, opened the lantern and lit the candle just like Matteo’s mother had taught him all those years ago. It never ceased to amaze Matteo that he could forget so much of his tutor’s lessons or his advisors’ lectures, but he remembered just about everything his mom had ever taught him.  
  
Matteo stood up, intensely focused on the candle burning in the lantern for a moment before he looked up, struck by the reason he lit the candle in the first place.  
  
_I have to go see David. I have to— wait, what do I have to ask him? What the fuck am I even supposed to say?_  
  
His eyes drifted back down the flickering flame, and he knew exactly what he had to ask.  
  
———  
  
Falling asleep wasn’t hard in the dungeon, but staying asleep was. David really didn’t mind being there, but the floor did not make for a good night’s sleep. It was only his second night, but David could already tell that “sleep for about an hour, then wake up because your body is mad at you and in pain” was the law of the land in the royal dungeon.   
  
He was just waking up from what had essentially been his third nap of the night when he heard footsteps on the other side of the bars. His first thought was that the guards must have been bringing in another prisoner into custody. But there was no clanking of armor, no protests, no harsh fluorescent light. Just a subtle shuffle of feet dragging across the ground and the soft glow of an antiquated lantern coming from the opposite direction of the entrance to the dungeon.  
  
David stood up at the exact moment that the visitor came into view— King Matteo.   
  
David wanted to say he was surprised, but he really wasn’t. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t surprised, but something felt unavoidable about Matteo coming down there in the middle of the night, looking way too handsome for his own good as he stared over David’s head with a face that looked equally scared and determined.   
  
“Your highness,” David said, swallowing the affection in his voice, leaving only his cocky tone. “To what do I owe this enormous pleasure?”   
  
“Why do you hate my parents?” Matteo asked firmly and unfazed.   
  
David chuckled, looking down as he stepped up to the bars. With Matteo on the other side, they were just a foot or so apart. “Didn’t I already give you my whole speech? I mean, I could give it again, but I don’t like being redundant.”   
  
Matteo turned his head to the side, and David smiled triumphantly. David started to turn to walk back into the cell, mulling over various slanderous remarks he could pull out, but Matteo’s voice stopped his train of thought.   
  
“If I tell you what I really think about my parents, will you do the same?” he asked, voice weaker than before. David turned back around to face Matteo, seeing that he was still intensely staring down at the ground to the right of his feet.   
  
“I’m listening,” David said, cautiously curious.  
  
Matteo shifted his head, now looking down directly in front of him. David could see the thoughts turning over and over in his head. This boy was thinking so damn hard. David wasn’t sure if he was thinking so hard because he had clearly snuck down to fraternize with a prisoner. Or if this was just how Matteo operated. David couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to know.   
  
“Can I trust you?” Matteo finally asked, eyes just barely meeting David’s.   
  
David’s breath caught for just a moment, almost falling for something in the sweetness and vulnerability in Matteo’s voice. But then the words hit the logical part of his brain and he let out a haughty laugh. “You think you can trust the revolutionist who will do whatever it takes to burn your throne to the ground?”  
  
“Never mind,” Matteo said, disappointed and distant, as he started to turn around and walk away. “This was stupid.”   
  
David was speaking again before he had a chance to think.  
  
“No, no, sorry. I’m sorry. Don’t go,” David said, and Matteo turned around surprise evident on his face. As the words fell from David’s lips, his brain caught up, cursing him and begging him to get back on track. He did, as much as his heart would allow. “If there is even a tiny chance that the king hates his royal family, I want to hear all about it.”   
  
Matteo smiled wide, as he turned around. David couldn’t help but notice how goofy his smile was, how it was the most endearing thing David had ever seen, and how floppy Matteo was as he pivoted around and basically stumbled back to where he had been standing before.   
  
“Well, I don’t hate my royal mom,” Matteo started, tone light and way too enticing, as he set down the lantern on the ground next to him, and stood up almost straight. “But I definitely hate my royal dad.”   
  
“Go on,” David said, quieter than he realized.   
  
“Well, so, like, I’m an only child, right?” Matteo started, and David should have said something sarcastic like _yeah, we all learn that in primary school_ but he didn’t. “So even with all the advisors and guards and family friends and servants and whatever, it was always just me and my parents. Like when I was a kid, it really felt like it was the three of us and the rest of the world didn’t exist. But then I got older, and well,” Matteo stuttered a bit as he stopped, breaking the eye contact he had been holding with David.   
  
Or maybe David was holding it with Matteo. He was so captivating to David that he couldn’t look away and he couldn’t even bring himself to tell Matteo _it’s okay, you can keep going._ He was just mesmerized as he waited until Matteo took a deep breath and started again.   
  
“I got older, and the rest of the world did start to exist and it sort of just, I don’t know, shattered everything. It was pretty good before, you know, not perfect, but it was good. But then things got bad. Or maybe I was just old enough to start seeing the bad stuff that had been there all along.”  
  
“I know that feeling,” David whispered, and wouldn’t even have realized he had said his wistful thought out loud if Matteo hadn’t looked back up to David, and cracked the slightest and saddest smile he had ever seen.   
  
“Yeah, growing up,” he said, and David fluttered his eyes down, ready to tell Matteo to keep going, but Matteo continued on his own. “So, like my parents started fighting and neither of them were around very much anymore. I was ten or so, and my dad was always on trips and dealing with the war, and I just never really saw him. And my mom was always around, but she just wasn’t really there, you know? Like, she was here, but every day she was getting further and further away. And my dad was gone so much of the time, and my mom didn’t really have anyone looking out for her because everyone was so focused on the war. And she didn’t really have any friends either, so I was sort of the only one who was there for her. But she didn’t want me to see her like that and so she would push me away and it got really bad. But then the war ended and I thought things would get better because my dad would be home more and maybe the advisors would notice that my mom wasn’t, like, she wasn’t okay. But no one really noticed and my dad was still very distant and they would fight, like, any time they were in the same room, so they just stopped being in the same room. They stopped sleeping in the same bed, they stopped doing work together, they barely did public appearances together. And my mom slowly just stopped doing anything at all. And my dad would complain about her to me and anyone who could listen. And somewhere along the line the people in the kingdom started to notice that my mom was never around anymore and they started slandering her and saying she wasn’t doing her job, which like, yeah, maybe she wasn’t, but it wasn’t because she didn’t want to. She wanted to. She wanted to make Florenzia the best place in the world. She would tell me about all these great ideas, music programs for kids and ways to prevent poverty and just like damn good stuff. But she just couldn’t do anything about it and my dad didn’t care about that kind of thing. He cared about looking good and tough. But when things actually got tough, he would just fucking run away like that was the way to show how powerful and awesome he was.”  
  
Matteo stopped, shaking his head in what must have been frustration and terrible memories. David wasn’t sure if he was done or not, so he just stayed silent. He didn’t want to step on Matteo’s words, cut him off, stop him, make him feel like he wasn’t listening. Because he was listening. God, he was listening.   
  
Matteo took another deep breath, and settled his eyes on David’s again.   
  
“So, yeah, you were right about my dad, he was a coward. And a hypocrite. But my mom didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t choose to get sick. He chose to run. But my mom didn’t. She isn’t a coward and just you really, really can’t call her that.”  
  
“Matteo, I had no idea that your mom was sick,” David said, finally responding to him, grasping one hand on the bar between them. He expected Matteo to jump back a little, but he stayed exactly where he was. “If I had known the truth, I wouldn’t have lumped her in with your dad, okay? I’m really sorry. And I’m really sorry you had to deal with all that.”   
  
“No one knows,” Matteo whispered. He looked exhausted, out of breath, out of words. But somehow, he kept going. “That’s why I asked if I could trust you. I’m not telling you the truth so you can go around using it as fuel for your fire.”   
  
“I would never,” David said, and he meant it. The look on Matteo’s face though, didn’t quite convince David that he believed him. “Look, I get having stuff in your past that you don’t want to go around announcing.”  
  
“Yeah?” Matteo asked, looking up at David again. That was a pattern, too, David had recognized, Matteo pulling himself in and out of eye contact. David briefly wondered how many times he would get to see that pattern play out in the space between them, before he remembered that his days were numbered.   
  
Maybe that, his days being numbered, was why he proceeded to answer Matteo with, “Yeah, I would tell you about it, but you look pretty tired.” Or maybe it was the feeling in his heart he didn’t dare name.  
  
Matteo chuckled a little before responding slightly mischievously, “I’m always tired.” There was a pause, and Matteo’s lips slowly formed into a smile that made David’s cheeks flush just a tiny bit. “Plus, you said you would tell me why you hate my parents.”  
  
“Okay, okay, fine,” David said, smiling and playing along with Matteo’s little agreement. He told himself that was why he was going to open up; he had to in order to uphold his end of the bargain and he was a man of his word. But he knew deep inside he wasn’t just doing this as a part of a bargain.   
  
“Okay, great, but actually, I am tired, so I’m gonna sit,” Matteo said, almost a bit embarrassed, but David didn’t mind. If Matteo was sitting— which he was, dropping down to sit with his legs crossed next to the lantern— David was going to pace a little. He knew on every level that he couldn’t tell Matteo the truth about why he hated the monarchy so much, every aspect of the truth, just standing still.  
  
David made a few strides across the cell, watching Matteo out of the corner of his eye as he fiddled with the lantern's handle. David was trying so hard to find a way into his story, but he just kept hearing that voice in his head. _What the fuck are you doing?_  
  
“Why did you bring that old lantern anyway?” David asked, bitterness taking over in his voice.   
  
Matteo quickly removed his hand from the lantern, and plunged into his lap. “They don’t have lights in the dungeon,” he said gingerly.   
  
“Well, no shit,” David said, turning to face Matteo again. _Yes, this is far more comfortable._ “Why didn’t you bring a flashlight or something? I mean, this whole kingdom is obsessed with artificial light, especially you royals. I didn’t even know they still had lanterns like that in the palace.”   
  
“My mom,” Matteo said, quietly, but then his voice got a little louder as he scrambled from explanation to explanation. “I mean, I just couldn’t find a flashlight. Or, well, it just didn’t feel right to bring my family’s fancy light down here. Not for talking about why I hate my dad.”  
  
“I thought you came down here to ask me why I hated your parents?” David asked, tilting his head to the side in a mixture of cleverness and infatuation.  
  
“That too,” Matteo said, casting his eyes up to David. With the candle light radiating from the lantern he could tell that Matteo's eyes were blue. _They didn’t teach that in primary school._  
  
“Right,” David started, pacing with his hands behind his back as he thought. _Well, I’ve always wanted to give the king a piece of my mind, teach him to understand what my life is really like out there. The fact that the king is actually sort of sweet and maybe a little funny and kind of cute doesn’t change that. Fuck. Just start talking._ “Well, there are a lot of things I hate about the royal family. Or, well, not your mom, now. But your dad is an absolute piece of shit. A coward, a hypocrite, a runner, just a stuck up entitled, self-centered prick. Frankly, I am glad he isn’t king anymore. I mean, it does leave Florenzia in the hands of a teenage boy who knows next to nothing about how to run a kingdom let alone button his shirt.”  
  
David paused for a moment as he gazed back at Matteo, giving him time to look down and realize he had put the top button of his shirt in the second hole, leaving the second button unfastened.   
  
“Shit,” Matteo muttered, and David chuckled as Matteo fixed his buttons.   
  
“Anyways, unfit to be king,” he started up again, turning away from Matteo.  
  
“Understatement of the century,” Matteo interrupted, mumbling beneath his breath.   
  
“Yeah, so the monarchy is just stupid because it doesn’t yield the best rulers,” David continued, talking to the rafters. “Like maybe King Clarence The Great was okay, but the rest of you Florenzi’s didn’t do shit to deserve the crown. And it shows. How many stupid, costly mistakes can come out of one fucking royal family? And just in our lifetime, too? It’s ridiculous.”  
  
“Like what?” Matteo asked, and David looked to him. “Just, like, one example of the stupid shit? Or, like, maybe the stupidest?”  
  
“Okay, the stupidest thing?” David asked, his indignation bubbling up. “How about the fucking war that your father started for no other reason than the fact the King of Ardonia didn’t sign his trade agreement?”  
  
“Well,” Matteo started, but David was too amped up.   
  
“Or is there some secret, hush-hush backstory that I don’t know about that would change my mind?” David spit out. He knew it was harsh, maybe even insensitive. But David was channeling the rage that got him here and he didn’t care anymore.   
  
“No, that’s true, pretty much exactly what happened,” Matteo said, into his lap. “My dad thought he would sign because they were old friends, but he didn’t and my dad got upset.”  
  
“And he turned his personal vendetta with one man into a five-year war that killed thousands. Did your dad ever fucking think about the fact that he was asking real people to go fight for him? To go die for him? Real life living humans with friends and families and jobs and dreams that he just snatched away because his old friend suddenly didn’t want to sign his stupid, selfish trade agreement? Because I think about it every damn day. Every single fucking day, I have to think about the fact that my dad was ripped from me and my family over your dad’s petty shitshow of a war. Every single fucking day I have to wake up and think about the fact that my dad never got to find out he had a son not a daughter because he died out there fighting for your dad’s right to assert his fragile fucking ego!”  
  
“David,” Matteo said, anguished, almost like he was worried about David.   
  
“No, I’m not done,” David said firmly, so close to getting choked up. He clenched his hand into a fist, fingernails barely long enough to press into his palms. He bit down hard on his bottom lip as he turned his head away trying to keep going.  
  
He knew exactly what he wanted to say, all the rhetoric about how the war was the final nail in a coffin that had been on its way to slamming shut for years. He had it all on the tip of his tongue, he almost always did. It brought him so much comfort to go over and over and over all the things he knew were wrong and all the things he was fighting against. It made him feel alive, connected, like there was a purpose to all the bullshit, like, as stupid as it sounded, maybe he had lost his dad so no one else ever had to.   
  
But there was Matteo, King Matteo, sitting cross legged on the dirty floor of the castle dungeon, listening intently. When David turned just enough to see Matteo again, he saw that he was looking up at David like he was holding the moon in his hands and was about to shatter it into a thousand pieces. He looked so invested, so concerned, so compassionate, but also so strong and unwavering. David could almost hear Matteo’s eyes telling him _I know you are angry. I am too._  
  
“Or, actually, yeah, I am done” David finally said, waves of emotion and thought washing over him. He looked precisely into Matteo’s eyes, and for once, tried to say exactly what he was thinking. “You get it, don’t you?”  
  
Matteo just looked down, and softly mumbled “Something like that.”   
  
David let out a silent breath and sat down against the back wall of the cell, pressing his head into the stone. “So, yeah, that’s just one of the many reasons I hate your dad,” he said, and it was supposed to be a conclusion to his openness, a tone shift back to guarded and over it and righteous, but that didn’t happen.  
  
“I’m really sorry for what he did,” Matteo said, still soft and somber. And thoughtful. So, damn thoughtful. “For the war, for him being so thoughtless. For him getting in the way of you being able to, you know, tell your father. Sounds like something you really wanted.”   
  
“I wasn’t lying when I said I think about it every damn day,” was all David could say.   
  
“I think about my mom every day,” Matteo whispered, and David could barely hear him, the whole length of the cell between them. He leaned forward from the wall a bit on instinct, straining to hear. “The way she used to be, the way she is now. That day that everything changed.”  
  
“What day?” David asked, quickly replaying Matteo’s words from earlier and realizing there had been no mention of a day. David watched Matteo, waiting for him to say something. He sat silent, though, pulling and twisting at a piece of straw he must have found on the ground. “It’s okay, never mind,” he said, after a minute or two. He felt so compelled to give him a chance to answer, but somewhere in that silence, David realized he might never, not used to having someone ask. _Someone care,_ David thought before he reminded himself he didn’t care about the personal turmoil of the king.   
  
“Yeah,” Matteo finally said. “Just because I think about it every day doesn’t mean I like thinking about it.”  
  
That’s when it hit David.  
  
_This King and I aren’t so different after all._  
  
They were different, of course. David was loud and harsh; he battled through life with a vigor fueled by rage and the promise of a better tomorrow. Matteo was silent and careful; he tiptoed through life by pushing everything below the surface and striving for invisibility. Different. But also, exactly the same. They had both lost everything and were fighting like hell to get it back however they knew how.   
  
“We do what we have to do to make it through,” David said, still staring intently into Matteo’s downcast eyes, understanding laced in his voice. He really hoped that Matteo was picking up on it.   
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said, looking up and meeting David’s eyes for a moment. David felt a little breathless. But then Matteo looked away again, and said, “For the record, my mom never liked the war. I never really did either. I know it doesn’t make up for anything, but I just want you to know that. And that I’m really sorry.”   
  
David looked away, the mention of the war reminding him of the reality between them. David couldn’t let himself lose his breath over the king like this.   
  
“I appreciate that,” David said, ready to find his way back to the anger and frustration, finding the tiniest thing to harp on in Matteo’s words. Not that he didn’t mean every word he said. “But you don’t have to say sorry a million times. And I’m not some charity case, okay? Just because I’m trans and have this ‘tragic backstory’ doesn’t mean I want pity. I’ve got my life figured out. I have a great crew and I’ve never been happier in my life. So, I don’t need your pity and I certainly don’t need you making a big deal about any of this. Being trans is just one part of me, and the fact that I didn’t get to tell my dad is just one of many thoughts I have every day. Okay? I didn’t tell you so you would go easy on me or treat me any different. I’m still a treasonist who thinks your bloodline is ruining our world. And I still hate you,” David said, tacking on the last line more to convince himself than anything.   
  
“Okay, yeah, it doesn’t change anything, I promise,” Matteo said. “But, um, if you didn’t tell me to get pity or whatever, then why did you tell me?”  
  
David paused for a moment before answering, tilting his head to the side. “Why did you tell me about your mom?”  
  
Matteo looked directly at him, silent again. David didn’t need him to speak his answer for him to know it.  
  
There was something happening between them; something tying the two of them together. It was something that David refused to put a word on, but he knew in his heart. He could fight it all he wanted, but he and Matteo— the fucking king— were connected, two sides of the same heartache.  
  
Judging by the serious, breathless look on Matteo’s face and the way he stared deep into David’s soul, Matteo knew it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> See you next Monday for Chapter 3— The Failure of a Beacon and The Intensity of Artificial Light.


	3. The Failure of a Beacon and The Intensity of Artificial Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter 3! :) 
> 
> The playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ

There were 45 scratches on the third stone to the left of the small, barred window in the middle of the cell. David had counted them after Matteo left the night before, their conversation fading to an end.  
  
“I should probably…” Matteo had said, trailing off, like he didn’t want to say the words. Truth be told, David didn’t really want to hear him say them.  
  
“Yeah, you probably should,” David responded, breathy and wistful.  
  
He watched Matteo get up and leave, taking the lantern with him, leaving only a dim sliver of moonlight in the dark, empty dungeon.   
  
He hadn’t been able to sleep, mind racing and heart reeling, so he counted the 45 scratches on the stone, trying to center his mind on something that wasn’t Matteo. If the scratches weren’t so high up, David would have thought they were marks made by some former prisoner trying to keep track of the days. 45 days. David figured he would be lucky if he got four or five.   
  
At least, that was what he figured until, not long after sunrise, a slew of guards led by Lieutenant Adamczyk burst into the dungeon, and beelined for his cell.   
  
“Get up,” Lieutenant Adamczyk barked, as the captain of the guard easily slid a key into the cell’s lock. David had no real intention of following the commands of Lieutenant Adamczyk, but at the sight of the guards entering his cell, he couldn’t help but hesitantly stand up.  
  
He chose to remain silent, speaking louder with the venomous look on his face as the guards pulled his arms behind his back and chained his wrists together. One of them shamelessly kicked him the back of the ankle, and shouted, “Walk.”   
  
David did, heading out of the cell, two guards holding his arms tightly, guiding him. David started to go right, towards the exit to the dungeon and what he assumed was the punishment he had been promised. But the guards on either side jerked him to the left, pushing him that way.   
  
“What?” David questioned impulsively, quickly recovering by adding, “Couldn’t prepare the execution by now?”  
  
The guard on his left tugged his arm back, and David smiled wickedly. _It’s way too easy to rile up these guards._  
  
“We are moving you to the private cell, the cell we use for interrogation,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, unimpressed by his quip.  
  
“Private cell? Interrogation?” David asked, but no one answered him. Instead, when they reached a thick metal door at the end of the hallway that David hadn’t noticed before, the captain of the guard stepped forward and pushed it open. The guards shoved David through the entryway, with the captain of the guard and Lieutenant Adamczyk following behind.   
  
It was just as dark and dirty as the main hallway, but it really was just that, a private cell. The room was split in the middle by a set of rusty bars, and the cell itself was double the size of the one David had been staying in. There wasn’t much to the cell, but there was an old wooden table pushed up against the middle of the back wall with three worn-out chairs surrounding it. At the back of the left wall, there was a small, dirty alcove with a janky sink and a rundown toilet. On the wall to the right, there was one small barred window that let in just a bit of sunshine.  
  
David stood with the guards for a moment on the other side of the bars, an area nearly the size of the cell itself, before the captain unlocked the cell and he was thrust in.   
  
They were quick to lock the cell and turn to leave as David regained his balance, arms still chained behind him. David though, for all his willingness and acceptance, didn’t want to remain in mystery.   
  
“Wait, why?” David called out, stepping up to the bars and craning his neck to see the door that half of the group was already through.   
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk took a few steps back into the room, and with an unamused look on his face, he explained. “The King has decided you are of more use to us alive than dead. For now, that is. We will be coming back after morning briefings to start interrogating you about your so-called revolution. We’re going to want details—names— so be ready to cooperate.”   
  
“So, this was Matteo?” David asked, speaking from his heart.  
  
“That’s King Matteo to you,” Lieutenant Adamczyk spat. “And, yes, but don’t you dare think for a second that I don’t wholeheartedly support the idea of pressuring you until you crack.”  
  
David didn’t have a chance to ask any more questions because Lieutenant Adamczyk turned to leave hastily, and the door shut loudly behind him. It was probably for the best, though; David knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to ask questions that were on his mind.   
  
_Matteo changed his mind? Matteo stopped them from killing me? Matteo wants me alive?  
  
Yes, to interrogate you, you fool. Stop acting like this means anything. He thinks you are scum, just like you think he is scum. This means nothing._   
  
But it did mean something. There was no way Matteo’s decision to keep him alive and move him to the private cell wasn’t related to the fact that Matteo and David had just spent a late night telling each other their deepest secrets. David knew that. It was logic in and of itself.   
  
It would have been so much easier to pretend that it meant nothing, that Matteo was just playing with his head or that Matteo really did want to get information out of him.   
  
But that night they had shared. David couldn’t ignore that way Matteo had looked at him. The way he had sat there and listened to David explode and crawl back up into his shell, no judgment whatsoever, only care and compassion. David had shown Matteo a side of himself that he rarely even showed himself. There was no logic to that, to why he had done it. But at the end of the day, David couldn’t deny that something in Matteo pulled him in and captivated him beyond belief. 

David had seen a glimpse of reciprocation in Matteo’s eyes, but when he wasn’t counting scratches, he convinced himself that he had imagined it. But for every solid, logical reason to not believe in the spark between them, Matteo had given him a reason to believe that David wasn’t creating everything between them.   
  
The way he listened, the way he apologized, the look in his eye, the softness in his voice, the seriousness of his manner, the fact that he stayed down there, that he pressed David to be honest, that he came down there at all, that he opened up the same way David did, the blush that burned the softest red up Matteo’s neck and barely flirted with the edge of his cheeks, the tiny smile and that goddamn look in his eye.   
  
And now, sparing his life and moving him to a private cell.  
  
It was convincing evidence, but the sheer insanity of it stopped him from believing fully. There was no universe David could fathom where it was “David and the king.” It all felt so preposterous and otherworldly.  
  
But then again. There he was in the private cell, life spared and absolutely infatuated with the king in a whole new way that had nothing to do with politics.   
  
That thought dawned on him, a blush rising on his own cheeks— _this has nothing to do with politics._ He shook his head in disbelief, eyelashes feathering down to his quickly warming skin.   
  
Then, suddenly, he felt the chains around his wrists vanish into thin air, his arms instinctual swinging to the front in shock. The heat vanished from David’s face and for a brief moment, he stared at his hands in front of him in confusion, brow furrowing. But then he heard her voice his head.   
  
“David, can you hear me?”  
  
“Laura,” he said aloud, barely above a whisper. He felt his stomach settle, the comfort of Laura’s voice in his head easing anxiety he hadn’t allowed himself to admit to feeling.  
  
“Oh, thank god,” Laura said, and David could hear the relief heavy in her voice as it echoed through his skull. “I’m sorry it took me so long to reach you. There is just some weird magical energy radiating around the castle. Not sure why, but it took so much effort to contact you.”  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” David said calmly. “There are definitely weird things happening around here.”  
  
“Yeah, what kind of weird things? Are they treating you okay? We’ve been so worried about you—me, Leonie, Linn, the boys, everyone.”  
  
“I’m fine, yeah,” David said, his head starting to ache. It had been so long since Laura had contacted David like this. They did it all the time when he was younger, when he was struggling to get through each day living a life that didn’t feel like his, when he was suffering at the words and hands of cruel classmates, when he was alone and just needed his sister to remind him that he didn’t have to fight his battles on his own. Things had been good lately, better at least, so David had lost his immunity to the overwhelming headaches that came from Laura’s magic swimming around in his brain. So, starting to feel the pain and dizziness, David brought himself on to the floor, and sat there in the middle of the cell, cross-legged, just like Matteo. _Matteo._ “They are treating me well enough. It evens out, the good ones and bad ones, I think.”  
  
“So, there are bad ones?” Laura asked, but David didn’t respond, bringing his hand up to rub his forehead. “Oh, you’re in pain, aren’t you?” Laura continued. “I’m so sorry. Well, let’s just get you out of there and then we can talk about everything.”  
  
“No, no, Laura,” David said before he even realized it. Maybe it was the symptoms of the magic, or maybe his heart was just getting bolder, refusing to sit on the sidelines.   
  
“No, you’re not in pain or no, you don’t want me to help you?” Laura asked.   
  
David sighed, and with a bit of hesitation he said, “I think I need to stay here.”  
  
_What the hell are you doing? Take your chance and get the fuck out of here!_  
  
“You don’t have to stay. Look, I can get rid of the bars on that window just like the chains,” Laura said, and David looked up at the window. Sure enough, a few moments later the window was just an opening. All David would have to do was climb on one of the chairs and shimmy through the hole. “The energy at the palace makes it hard, but nothing is too hard when my little brother’s life is on the line.”  
  
“They’re not going to kill me, Laura,” David said. “They’re going to interrogate me and try to learn about our group, our plan.”   
  
“Okay, so? You don’t have to do that either. David, please,” Laura begged, and he could feel the ache in his head spike as her magic grew stronger.   
  
“I think I can do some good for us in here,” David said, and he wasn’t totally lying. “The king, he might not be as bad as we thought. I think I might be able to get through to him. I just don’t think I am done with him yet.”  
  
“You think you can turn him?” Laura asked.   
  
“Maybe, something like that,” David said, carefully.  
  
“Something like that?” Laura asked, and he could practically see her raising her eyebrows and looking at him with that knowing older sister look. “David, you have to promise me that you’re staying for the revolution. I can’t risk losing you. But if you think that you staying is the most tactical move for our cause, your cause, then I trust you.”  
  
David knew that this wasn’t just about the revolution. But he didn’t care. He could make it about that. He could shove down the feelings and make his promise true. He did it all the goddamn time.   
  
“I promise,” David said.  
  
“Okay,” Laura said. “You better not fuck this up. I can’t lose my brother too.”   
  
“I won’t,” David said, but David knew Laura would probably be losing her brother one way or another. Either he was going to be killed for what he believed in or he was going to surrender everything Laura knew him as for whatever was going on with him and Matteo. David didn’t like either option very much, but he didn’t see another way out of the mess he had gotten himself into.   
  
“I love you, David,” Laura said.   
  
“I love you, too,” David whispered. Then, the bars reappeared on the window, a pair of chains materialized on the ground next to him and the pain in his head began to dull.   
  
He turned his body around and laid down his head on the cold, hard floor. He had never felt so heavy in his life. He had just given up his chance to run. He was really in it now and for the first time in his life, David didn’t have a plan.   
  
———  
  
Jonas was held up in a meeting that looked like it was going to last through most of the afternoon, Hans was off filing notes, Hanna had gone out into the city to bring Sara back to the castle, and Lieutenant Adamczyk had set the whole day aside for interrogation, so after lunch, Matteo had a rare moment of solitude.   
  
He was thankful for the opportunity to take a moment for himself, only running into a few servants as he wandered aimlessly through the castle, eventually ending up in the throne room. He stared at the chair, gold and black with a touch of red. It looked so regal and put together, the exact opposite of the way he felt as he sat cross-legged on the ground in front of it, running his fingers across the red rug beneath him.   
  
He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, thinking through what had happened with David. Matteo wished that it was their night together that was replaying in his head, their quiet confessions of complicated histories and that feeling of connection that Matteo could have never seen coming. But his mind was preoccupied with what came after, when he had marched down to Lieutenant Adamczyk’s office early that morning and told him he had changed his mind.   
  
“Changed your mind about what, exactly, your majesty?” Lieutenant Adamczyk had asked, looking up from the stack of papers on his desk.   
  
“David,” Matteo said from the doorway, hesitant to go much closer. “I don’t think we should kill him just yet.”   
  
“And why not? He openly confessed to high treason. He is so ill-mannered, just an absolute disgrace,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, leaning back in his chair.   
  
“I just, I don’t think,” Matteo started, scratching every ending he thought of. _I don’t think he is a disgrace. I don’t think I am done with him just yet. I don’t think you understand him like I do. I don’t think he is wrong. I don’t think I can bear to let him go._ Finally, Matteo found an option that didn’t feel like he was cutting his chest open and letting his soul pour out. “I don’t think he is of any use to anyone dead.”   
  
“You mean, he could be of use to us? Tell us all about the things he and his troupe of invalids are planning? Interrogate him until he breaks,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, nodding his head satisfied. Matteo just stood there, not saying yes or no, letting him take this in whatever direction he wanted. Though, Matteo had to admit, it did sting a little to think of David breaking. “You know, I think you are on to something here. You might prove to be a good king after all.”   
  
Those words stung even more, and they still did hours later when Matteo remembered them as he sat in the throne room.   
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk was not the warmest, kindest man, but he had always been more supportive than not. Matteo questioned some of his decisions, didn’t always want to take his advice, and even wished his father hadn’t always taken his advice. But Matteo couldn’t deny that Lieutenant Adamczyk was a military expert who had earned his place in the palace. So, when he was mostly supportive when Matteo became king, staying on as an advisor and fiercely protecting the Florenzi family legacy in the wake of scandal and tragedy, Matteo was touched.   
  
But hearing him say that undermining, backhanded compliment made Matteo a little sick to his stomach. It didn’t help that he had said in the same breath as his intent to break David. _David._   
  
Matteo hadn’t been able to think much about David, but at random moments, he would flash across his mind and Matteo was pretty sure the floaty feeling that had been occupying his chest had everything to do with David.   
  
_This is what it feels like, isn’t it? Well, that’s bad timing. Sara is literally on her way._  
  
As Sara’s name passed through his head, the sick feeling in his stomach intensified. Hanna had been fast, finding a time Sara was available to come by for another visit and working with Hans to clear Matteo’s afternoon. He knew that she was just doing what she thought was best, really what Matteo had asked her to do, but he hated how adamant she was about making this work. Just a few days ago, he was apathetic about the whole situation, not loving it, but knowing it was his reality. But now, accepting his fate seemed just a few shades away from nearly impossible.   
  
_Maybe it isn’t even my fate anymore.  
  
No, he hates me. He said so himself.   
  
But—  
  
Don’t be so stupid. _  
  
He brought his knees up to his chest, and let out an exhausted sigh as he rested his head on his knees. He gazed out the floor to ceiling windows in the throne room, the garden green with a hint of fall setting in. Winter wasn’t too far off and even though some of his best childhood memories were during winter, the time of year where the outside matched his insides, he wasn’t looking forward to it this year. Thinking about David being interrogated in the dungeon and Sara on her way, he wasn’t looking forward to much of anything.   
  
“Your highness?”   
  
Matteo turned his head away from the window and saw Hans standing apprehensively in the entryway to the throne room.   
  
“Hans, hey,” Matteo said, stretching his legs out in front of him and trying to sound peppier than he felt.   
  
“Is everything alright?” Hans asked carefully, coming into the room, Matteo’s efforts of concealment clearly failing.   
  
Matteo clasped his hands in his lap and stared down at them intently. “No,” he finally said, voice dark and heavy. “Hanna left to go get Sara and they’ll be back any minute now. I have no idea what I’m doing.”  
  
“Oh, young love is never simple, is it?” Hans asked wistfully as he stopped to stand right in front of Matteo and looked up to the ceiling, chuckling to himself   
  
“Hans, I’m serious,” Matteo said, glancing up at him. “I need advice.”  
  
“You know you have advisors, right?” Hans asked, looking back down. Matteo couldn’t answer, just continue staring up at Hans, hoping that he would catch on that he really, really needed a shoulder to lean on. Metaphorically speaking, of course. “Okay, fine,” Hans said, sitting down next to Matteo on the floor. “What do you want to know?  
  
Matteo breathed out, stressed, trying to sum up his feelings into a question. All he could come up with was, “What do I, like, do?”  
  
“You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Hans asked, and Matteo nodded. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret, then. Sara is nervous too. Everyone is when it comes to this sort of thing.”  
  
“Okay, but,” Matteo said because that really didn’t help. “Like, how am I supposed to, like, do this?  
  
“It’s easy,” Hans said. “Just be yourself.”   
  
Matteo looked back down at his lap, stifling a laugh that really hurt. “I don’t think that’s what anyone wants.”   
  
_Maybe David wants me to be myself._  
  
Matteo almost missed Hans’ response because the floaty feeling in his chest grew and the lightest smile danced across his lips.   
  
“It’s only the first time you and Sara are hanging out,” Hans said, and his voice dulled the feeling in his chest. “Just relax and focus on warming up to each other. Over time, things will fall into place.”  
  
“What if they never do?” Matteo asked, breathlessly, the smile entirely gone as he pushed his hands deeper into his lap. He wished he hadn’t asked that question. It felt entirely too revealing, like Hans was staring at his exposed wound.  
  
“And, why wouldn’t they?” Hans asked, quieter, gentler. Matteo took a chance and glanced up at him, seeing the look on his face. It was somehow drenched in both confusion and understanding. Matteo couldn’t even imagine what kind of horrified look was on his face as Hans leaned over and put a hand on his knee. “Just breathe, your highness. It’s going to be okay.”  
  
Then, Matteo heard a casual knock on the door frame and he looked up to see Hanna knocking, Sara standing next to her.   
  
“Hey, Matteo,” Hanna said, smiling. “You ready?”  
  
Matteo moved his leg away from Hans’ touch, starting to get up as he called out, “Yeah, of course.”   
  
“Try to have fun,” Hans said, getting up as well. “I’ll give you two the afternoon, and come find you when it is dinner time.”   
  
Matteo nodded, staying put in front of the throne as Hans walked away, smiling at Sara as he left the room.   
  
“So, I’ll leave you lovebirds to it,” Hanna said, glancing back and forth between Matteo and Sara. “Have a nice time. I’ll see you both later!”   
  
Then she was gone and Sara was the only one left, still standing in the doorway, a nervous smile on her face.   
  
_I guess Hans was right._  
  
“Who was that guy you were with?” Sara said, sounding mostly casual, maybe a bit forced. She took a few steps into the throne room, and Matteo tried to keep his breath steady as he looked in her direction. It wasn’t until she was a few steps away from him that Matteo registered that she had asked him a question. _Just answer her, you idiot._  
  
“Oh, Hans? He’s my personal assistant,” Matteo explained, and Sara nodded slightly. _Humor, throw in some fucking humor. You’re supposed to be wooing her._ “Or well, babysitter really.”  
  
“Babysitter?” Sara asked, stopping as she stood two steps away from Matteo, looking directly at him as he opened and closed his fist agitatedly. She was way too close for his liking and they had barely even started. “What do you mean by that?”  
  
“Well,” Matteo started, turning away, loosely walking away from her and towards where the throne sat empty. He tried to sound laidback, sure of himself and just a tad bit smooth, though didn’t think it was working. “He wakes me up in the mornings, makes sure I’m in bed at night. Has to know where I am at all times.”  
  
_How the fuck is admitting I have someone watching over my every move smooth?_  
  
“Okay,” Sara said, standing still as Matteo continued his stroll to the throne. “Is that customary for personal assistants?”  
  
“Is anything customary these days?” he asked, bypassing the throne and sitting down next to it on the edge of the platform that held it up in all its insincere glory.  
  
“Good point,” Sara said, nodding again. When she saw Matteo take a seat, she started walking towards him again, a skip in her step and a chipper tone in her voice. “Though, I imagine it must be nice to have a whole team of people at your service.”  
  
“It has its perks,” Matteo said nonchalantly, starting to feel a little bit more comfortable now that he wasn’t on his feet. He always felt more secure when he wasn’t standing.  
  
“Perks?” Sara asked.  
  
“I never have to do laundry,” Matteo said, almost animated. Matteo was a little surprised that he was actually doing a decent job pretending, though he guessed he had been faking his way through social interactions and putting up fronts his whole life. It had been a while since he had really had to pull out his skills, since his life as king was much more solitary than his life as a teenage prince, but it didn’t exactly make him rusty. He had three months of interpersonal social energy stored up to use to get himself through things with Sara.  
  
But that didn’t mean it was entirely easy, or that Matteo was even fully present with her. In fact, he barely even noticed Sara laughing and sitting down next to him on the platform.   
  
He felt her presence next to him, though, and took in her enthusiastic laugh, as he looked to her. As their eyes met, her laugh subsided, and her face fell serious, but even still, Matteo could see her slightly convoluted cheeriness coming through.   
  
“I’m really glad you wanted to see me again,” she said. “Hanna told me I was the only one you invited back.”  
  
“Well, it was kind of an obvious choice,” Matteo said with a minuscule smile, even though he knew she had no idea what he really meant by that. _The best of the worst, or something like that._  
  
“You’re sweet,” she said, shoving Matteo’s shoulder. Matteo looked away uncomfortably, though he imagined that if he had kept looking at her, he would have seen a little bit of a blush on her cheeks. He was glad he didn’t have to see it and try to pretend that he thought it was cute. “I don’t think a lot of people know that about you.”   
  
“There’s a lot of things people don’t know about me,” Matteo mumbled under his breath, staring down at his feet.  
  
“Hm, well,” Sara said, resolute, “I guess we can work on changing that. At least, between the two of us.”   
  
“Yeah, or, um,” Matteo stuttered out, realizing that he had said too much and that he needed to backtrack, or at least change the subject. “Or, you! I mean, Yogalla. The Arts Academy. Pretty cool stuff.”  
  
“The arts academy,” Sara repeated wistfully, finally looking away from Matteo, and out into the middle distance. “I miss it.”  
  
“Yeah?” Matteo promoted, glad to have shifted the conversation away from him and his secrets.  
  
“Graduation was bittersweet,” Sara said. “I had a really nice time in Yogalla. It’s a beautiful place. The only kingdom I’ve ever heard of that is matriarchal. Such a powerful thing to grow up around as a young woman studying there.”  
  
“Yeah, I bet that’s cool,” Matteo responded, barely processing what she was saying.  
  
“It is,” Sara said, turning to look at Matteo again. “And I learned so much at the school, and met just the most amazing people. I didn’t meet any amazing boys though.”  
  
“Oh,” Matteo said, eyes ripping away from her. His cheeks were already burning, but not in a good way. Matteo could feel Sara staring at him, refusing to look away, as if he was supposed to be picking up on some sort of signal. But really all Matteo knew to do was try to shift the conversation again. “Do you, um, miss them, your friends?” he asked, daring to glance back at her.   
  
“Some of them,” Sara said, sighing as she got up. She looked and sounded disappointed. But then, once she was standing again, she turned back around to face Matteo, her skirt twirling as she did. That happy disposition of hers that Matteo found just a bit sad was back. “Some of them are actually here. My best friend, for example, Leonie, lives in Clarence City, too. We are both native Florenzians. That’s how we started talking, actually. Then it just grew from there. She’s an artist and a fashion designer. She does a little bit of music, too, but, I mean, who doesn’t dabble?”  
  
“Right, yeah,” Matteo said as if that idea that everyone dabbles in music was a known fact to him. It wasn’t, and the notion that it was made him a little sick to his stomach. _Or maybe it’s just Sara that makes me sick to my stomach._  
  
“Your best friend is Jonas, right?” she asked.  
  
_Oh right, it’s not Sara. It’s the fact that she’s a girl. She’s done nothing wrong. Don’t get mad at her. I’m the one to blame here._  
  
“Uh,” Matteo stuttered out, closing his eyes tightly, as he tried to focus on the conversation “Yeah, um, he’s like a brother to me these days.”  
  
“That’s great,” Sara said, but Matteo was already starting to zone out again. “You know, I have an actual brother…”  
  
Sara kept on talking, standing up, peering down at Matteo, as she droned on about her brother and a million other things that Matteo couldn’t comprehend. Matteo wasn’t particularly trying to tune her out, but the words coming out of her mouth seemed to fade as he sat there, trying not to fall deeper into the pool of self-doubt and regret he was already sinking into.  
  
This was everything he wanted; a nice young woman who liked him well enough and would make a good queen. Sara was kind, talented and just poised enough to be a good queen, but not too good as to make Matteo look even worse than he already did. It was perfect. But it wasn’t perfect. It was fake and artificial and sickening and a nightmare.  
  
_If this was happening even just three days ago, it wouldn’t feel like hell, would it?_  
  
Matteo hated to ask himself that question, but he couldn’t deny that it was worth asking. Meeting David had awoken something in him that just wouldn’t go away. Even if David didn’t like Matteo, Matteo couldn’t deny that he was feeling something reminiscent of romantic towards David. Matteo wasn’t even sure that the feelings were genuine since they barely knew each other and there was such a slim chance that of all people in the world, David the anti-monarchist was the guy for him. But even if they weren’t meant to be and Matteo’s feelings weren’t really about David, they were at least feelings about a boy that didn’t make him want to hide himself off from the world and lie to everyone he knew. This time, the feelings made him want to let go of all the pent-up authenticity he was harboring, letting his true self fly proudly and freely into the light of day. But more than anything, the feelings made him want to push Sara away, both metaphorically and physically, because there in the throne room she was leaning over him and placing a hand on his cheek.  
  
The feeling of her warm palm on his cheek, two fingers grazing across his neck and hot air from Sara’s nose subtly blowing into his face as she came into his space, made him shudder as the world came back into acute focus, lights brighter, sounds louder and sensations intensified.  
  
“Umm,” Matteo stuttered out, falling backwards as little as he recoiled from her touch and stared up at her expectant face. He had no idea what she had just said or what had led her to hover over him like this. All he knew was that he needed to get out. “Let’s go to the garden!” he said, much louder than intended. He didn’t even realize that had been so loud, but it was clear from the way Sara flinched a bit as she stood back up straight.   
  
She happily complied, but Matteo didn’t really process her statement beyond the fact that it was a yes. Then, as she kept talking, all Matteo could do was focus on his own actions; getting up from the platform, walking out of the throne room with Sara right next to him, going to the door to the garden, opening it, forgetting to hold it for Sara, walking out into the garden, stopping in his tracks right by the door as Sara continued to walk clearly intending to go for a stroll as she kept droning on, watching Sara glance back at him, taking a few steps forward to sit in the middle of a bench between two trees, and, finally, wincing when Sara sat down with him.  
  
“…yeah, so even though I would have loved to see them get married, get to go to a beautiful wedding and all, I totally understand why my brother broke up with her. She just wasn’t that person for him,” Sara said, sitting down right next to Matteo on the bench.  
  
“That person?” Matteo asked, turning to her and scrunching his face up a little as he tried to rejoin the conversation, even though it seemed Sara hadn’t even noticed he hadn’t been paying any attention to the things she was saying.   
  
“Don’t you know how they always talk about finding that other person who completes you?” Sara asked. “That person who is a little bit like you, but also a little bit different than you, because that way you pick up where they leave off and you can both fill in each other’s shortcomings and complement each other’s best qualities. And you find them and the world just feels a little less dark.”  
  
“Umm, yeah,” Matteo said, wistfully, looking down at his feet. He couldn’t stop David from flashing across his mind in that moment, sitting on the floor of the cell and staring right into Matteo in a way that didn’t make him feel exposed, but instead seen and connected and maybe a little bit lit up from the inside out. It had felt so natural with David, even when they were butting up against each other. “I think I might know what you’re talking about.”  
  
_Maybe my feelings for David are actually genuine. I don’t even know what I am feeling, though, so how can I even know if this is real or not? This is so stupid. It doesn’t matter what I feel. Especially if David hates me like he says he does._  
  
“Yeah, I think I do too,” Sara said, heavy and serious, and she inched her hand closer to Matteo’s.  
  
He looked up at her and saw the eager look in her eyes as she stared through him. _Oh, she is talking about me. Us._ “Oh, yeah, um totally,” he said, hollowly.  
  
“I know we have just started, but,” she said as she put her hand on top of his. “I think we could be that for each other.”  
  
“Yeah?” Matteo choked out, feeling a little light-headed as her hand settled on his. He wanted to look away. Maybe if he stopped looking at it, it would feel less like his hand was being smothered and bringing his whole body down with it. But he was frozen there, looking down at it. He was genuinely afraid that if he moved his head or even his eyes, the world around him and inside of him would feel double as heavy and insufferable as it already did.  
  
“Yeah,” Sara said, smile in her voice. “I’m excited to do this with you, Matteo. This isn’t just about becoming queen for me. I hope you’re not thinking that.”  
  
“I, um, I’m not thinking that,” Matteo said. No, he was thinking, _I don’t want this. I don’t want to hold her hand. I don’t want to hold anyone’s hands. Well, that’s not true. I would hold David’s hand if he let me. Fuck, stop thinking about him._   
  
“Good, because I really—” Sara started, but stopped, looking up from their little bubble. When Matteo processed the change in her demeanor and the way the moment burst, softening the sharp, crushing world around him, he too, looked up and saw Hans walking towards them.   
  
“Your highness,” Hans said, mostly cheery. “I didn’t know you were going to be outside. It is certainly a lovely day out, though. Nice choice.”  
  
“Hans, hi,” Matteo said relieved, sliding away from Sara on the bench and leaving her hand behind. “All okay?”  
  
“Yes, well, I hate to interrupt your date of sorts,” Hans started, balancing between tentative and affectionate. “But, we do have a bit of a matter in the dungeon.”   
  
Matteo looked away from Hans, feeling his stomach begin to collapse in on itself at the mention of the dungeon. David had been on his mind, and now here Hans was, bringing him into reality.   
  
“The dungeon?” Sara asked, sounding a bit concerned as she slid down to where Matteo was sitting.  
  
“Um, yeah, the dungeon,” Matteo said, standing up nervously, then turning his attention back to Hans. “What, um, what’s the problem?”   
  
“Everyone has been trying to integrate David all day, but they really aren’t getting anywhere,” Hans said. “And, well, he keeps saying that he will only talk to you. Alone.”  
  
Matteo swallowed hard, cheeks already flushing. David wanted him. Alone.   
  
“I, um, okay,” Matteo stuttered out, his hand subconsciously coming up to rub his neck. “I can go down there.”  
  
“Oh, you really don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Hans said quickly. “They did ask me to come get you, but I told them that after the last time you were with him, I wasn’t sure you would want to. So, there’s no pressure.”  
  
Right, the “last time” Matteo had been down there. The time David had almost made him cry from yelling at him about how terrible and useless his mother was. But that wasn’t really the last time Matteo was down there. The real last time, David had told Matteo the truth about his feelings, shared his deepest secrets and had made Matteo somehow feel safe and understood, two feelings he was not used to.   
  
And now David wanted to see him again, and he felt another feeling he wasn’t used to; desired.   
  
“It’s okay,” Matteo said, bringing his hand back down to his side, fingers brushing his pant leg. “I can handle it. I want to go down there.”  
  
And he really did, because he didn’t just feel desired. He was also desiring. He wanted to see David again.   
  
“Alright, let’s go then,” Hans said, motioning for Matteo to follow him.   
  
Matteo started walking, but then he heard Sara’s voice.   
  
“Be careful,” she called out, sounding a little desperate. Matteo felt just bad enough for her to stop walking for a brief moment, but not bad enough to turn around to look at her.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> See you next Monday for Chapter 4— Even Translucence Is Electric


	4. Even Translucence is Electric

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Welcome back to Light Shine’s Eternal! 
> 
> Just one quick note this time. This chapter is entirely from Matteo’s perspective, but don’t worry, David is in this chapter and there will be a chapter solely from David’s POV down the road. Just like Revolutionary David, I am all about equality! :)
> 
> And as always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Okay, that’s all! I hope you enjoy!

Matteo arrived in the dungeon with Hans to learn that David had been moved to the private cell at the end of the hall. He hadn’t known that his request to keep David alive would result in him moving cells. He didn’t even really know it would constitute David being interrogated. He just knew he couldn’t let David die, no matter what the cost was.  
  
“King Matteo,” the captain of the guard greeted when Hans opened the heavy metal door and Matteo walked into the crowded area opposite the private cell.   
  
Standing there was the captain of the guard, two more guards and Lieutenant Adamczyk. They all looked a little surprised to see Matteo, but they bowed and lowered their heads nonetheless. Matteo had to stop himself from rolling his eyes as he continued to walk in. The further he got into the room, the less attention he paid them and the more attention he gave to David who he could see through the set of metal bars that divided them.   
  
David was sitting smugly in one of the chairs in the cell, leaning back with his legs coolly spread apart. One of his arms was loosely resting on the table next to him and the other hand drummed methodically on his thigh. As soon as Matteo settled in the middle of the room, David shifted his eyes to stare directly at Matteo.  
  
“King Matteo,” he said slowly, a small smile brewing in his words. “Glad you could join us. You really were missing out on all the fun.”  
  
“He has been like this all day,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, but Matteo barely registered his words. “Disrespectful, dismissive, not taking this seriously at all.”  
  
“Oh, I disagree,” David said to Lieutenant Adamczyk, piercing eyes still on Matteo. “Don’t you think I am taking this seriously, Matteo?”  
  
Matteo’s world blurred around him, his focus on David sharpening and narrowing. David was looking into his eyes so deeply. Usually, when people looked at Matteo, they looked right through him. But David wasn’t. David was looking right into him, and Matteo had never felt rawer, more exposed. It was intense and overwhelming, but for once, Matteo couldn’t look away. He didn’t want to. He couldn’t bear to see anything except for David. Matteo knew that his advisors and guards were bickering around him, but all he could hear was the silence between him and David. And then, David’s voice.  
  
“I said, I would only talk to the king alone,” David said, loudly, not missing a beat of the conversation around them even with the intense moment they were sharing. Matteo didn’t want it to end. It was clear that David could multitask all day, but Matteo knew that he couldn’t do that. Other voices were starting to creep in, and Matteo knew that if he wanted to get anywhere, he was going to have to pull his eyes from David.  
  
“For the last time, that is not an option,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, Matteo beginning to comprehend the world around him as convinced himself to speak again.  
  
“Okay,” Matteo said finally, shaking his head and turning away from David. “You all should leave.”  
  
“No, that is a very bad idea,” Lieutenant Adamczyk exclaimed quickly. “I refuse to leave you alone in here with that menace.”  
  
“It is highly against protocol to even have you down here during an interrogation, your majesty,” the captain of the guard explained calmly. “This proposition you are making would be extremely dangerous.”  
  
“No, let me talk to him alone,” Matteo said, softly, his confidence dim. They all just continued to swirl around them with their opposition.   
  
“You cannot be down here alone with him. It is not safe and I won’t allow it,” Lieutenant Adamczyk barked.   
  
“They make a point, your highness,” Hans said, trying to be gentle.  
  
“I agree with Lieutenant Adamczyk,” the captain said. “We will stay here as long as you are here.”  
  
“No, leave and let me talk to him alone,” Matteo said, still quiet, firm from the anger building up alongside his confidence. He wasn’t sure what this new, growing force inside of him was, but it only took one more attempt at suppression from Lieutenant Adamczyk for Matteo’s strength to finally find its way out.  
  
“Your Majesty—”  
  
“That’s an order!” Matteo shouted authoritatively, surprising everyone in the room, himself included. It was silent for a minute, then Matteo breathed in and straightened his shirt, standing up a little taller. “You all can wait on the other side of the door and I will talk to him alone. That is my order.”   
  
“Yes, your highness,” the captain of the guard said not a moment later, bowing his head before he walked away, followed by the other guards.  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk didn’t say anything as he left, but the look he threw Matteo’s way was far too vile for his liking.   
  
Hans was the last to exit, looking at Matteo sympathetically. “We’ll be right outside if you need anything.”   
  
Hans walked away and Matteo gave him a feeble smile, his explosive bout of conviction fading. He kept his eyes fixed on the slowly shutting door until it loudly clunked into place. Only then did he turn to look back to David who was now standing just a foot or so away from the bars, arms crossed with a smug smirk on his lips.   
  
“So, King Matteo can be authoritative when he wants to be,” David said, playfully, a bit devious even.   
  
“What?” Matteo asked as he turned his head to face David again. He had almost forgotten that now he had to talk to David. He wasn’t even sure how he had gotten himself into this situation, let alone how he was going to make it through, actually talk to David and get information out of him. Everything David was exuding in that moment was making those tasks seem impossible and rendering Matteo’s knees weak in the best way.  
  
“And here I thought you didn’t have a backbone. But you do have one. It’s just not hell-bent on the things it should be,” David said, stepping forward even closer to the bars. Matteo may have still been a few feet away, but he felt like he was burning up. David finished his statement, voice low and deliberate. “You want to talk to me. Alone.”   
  
The way David’s eyebrows rose and his head cocked to the side when he said “alone” made Matteo’s heart pound. He was feeling something, something he had never really felt before. All he knew was that it wasn’t the terror of a shitty king being chewed out by a treasonist. It was something else entirely and it was all too exhilarating.   
  
Matteo tore his eyes from David, swallowing hard as he looked down at his feet and shook his head, almost laughing at himself for feeling such intense feelings. Or maybe he was laughing at himself for pushing them under the rug once again, with the one person who he already knew he didn’t have to do that with.   
  
“All I want to do is figure out what you and your crew are up to,” Matteo lied, expertly, still looking down.  
  
“Since when do I have a crew?” David asked, feigning suave confusion.   
  
Matteo huffed out a real laugh this time, and looked back up at David. “Since you told me last night,” he said in his mischievous tone, so thankful to have a chance to deploy that side of himself. _Maybe this won’t be so bad after all,_ he thought as he watched David’s face turn from “sly know it all” to “nervous guy who has just been caught trying to play it up.”   
  
“Damn. Maybe this was a bad idea,” David said as he pivoted on his heels and started walking back away. He looked so cool and effortless moving like that, but even that swoon producing sight wasn’t enough to shake Matteo from the high horse he had finally found.  
  
“Too late,” he said, smiling and crossing his arms playfully. “My royal backbone demands you talk to me.”  
  
“Is that an order?” David asked, turning his head back around to look at Matteo, shit-eating grin on his face.   
  
“Okay, now you’re just making fun of me,” Matteo said, not being able to stifle his giggle.   
  
“Guilty,” David called out, turning around fully and sauntering back to the bars.   
  
“Are you?” Matteo asked, seeing an opportunity and trying to take it. “Are you guilty of, um, treason?”   
  
“Yeah. No question there,” David said, settling back with his arms crossed, just inches away from the bars. If Matteo wanted to, he probably could have reached out and touched him. But he didn’t.   
  
“Are you guilty of other things?” Matteo asked pensively, not sure where his poise and quick thinking was coming from.   
  
“What do you think?” David asked, tilting his head to the side. Matteo was beginning to notice that was something he did a lot. And it was just a little bit intoxicating. Maybe more than a little bit.   
  
Matteo pushed away the twinge in his chest he felt when David looked at him like that, expectant with just a touch of what Matteo could only call softness, so he could focus on answering the question. _What do I think?_ Matteo asked himself, the silence of the space between them ringing in his ears. _Ah, yes, there’s the stupid Matteo who takes way too fucking long to respond to shit like this. Just say something._   
  
“I think you seem like the kind of person who would do whatever he had to do to survive,” Matteo said, letting the words spill from his mouth.   
  
David raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips in an almost smile. Matteo didn’t take in any air as he waited for David to respond.   
  
“Wow, you are pretty good at reading people,” he finally said, dropping his arms and letting his smile become full again.   
  
Matteo looked into his loud, dark eyes for just a moment, before he looked down at his feet bashfully. He swayed a little too hard, stumbling a little to the left and back as he let out a sigh of relief.   
  
He had gotten it right. He had trusted his head and just said the first thing he knew to say, and he was right. David hadn’t laughed at him or judged him or made him feel small. He did the opposite. He smiled, dropped a wall, and looked at him like he was proud or impressed or maybe something more than that. In David’s eyes, there was a pride that Matteo hadn’t felt directed at him in years. It was absolutely, stunningly refreshing.   
  
“Aren’t you going to ask me what I’ve done?” David asked and Matteo was prompted to meet his pained, hooded eyes by the sudden difference in his voice. It wasn’t seeped in mystic and effort this time. It was as raw and real as Matteo had ever heard. It was the voice that had asked him _“you get it, don’t you?”_ It was the voice that reminded Matteo that David was just as human, just as scared as he was.   
  
“Do you want me to?” Matteo asked, looking at David intently, perplexed as he tried to get in his head.   
  
David just scoffed and laughed a little, dropping his eyes down to the dingy ground of the cell. “Does it matter what I want?” He asked, shaking his head. _Yes,_ Matteo’s mind screamed, but he didn’t get a chance to even decide if he wanted to say that because David kept going, facade back up. “You know, with the interrogation and all, you probably should at least ask, not that I’ll answer.”   
  
David turned around, barely finishing his sentence before his feet started carrying him away from Matteo. His heart broke a little bit at the sight. David sat back down at the table, one leg slung over the side of the chair, half-turned to face Matteo. He stared at him expectantly. No softness this time.   
  
Matteo really didn’t want to ask him. His gut, his heart, his head— they all told him not to. But the tension in the air and faint shuffle of feet from the other side of the door told him otherwise.   
  
Matteo cast his eyes down so low that they were practically closed, took in a deep breath, shoulders tensing as he did, and asked, “So, what have you done?”  
  
“Only what I had to do. Nothing more, nothing less,” David said without hesitation.  
  
When Matteo finally looked up he saw him crossing his arms as he leaned back in the chair, tipping it back so his head was pressed against the wall and the front legs of the chair were suspended in midair.   
  
Matteo just stood there, processing, unsure of how he felt. He tried to identify his emotions, but he truly felt scattered in a million different directions at the same time that he felt so profoundly put together. He didn’t think there was any way he was going to be able to put a word to what he was feeling.  
  
“Wait, I’m sorry,” Matteo said finally, scrunching his eyes closed as he shook his head. _Okay, that’s confusion._ “So, are you saying that you needed to commit treason to survive?” _And that’s irritation. And protectiveness? What?_  
  
“When we live in a kingdom that is ruled by out of touch monarchs who don’t understand what life is like for us real people,” David spat aggressively, leaning forward, the chair slamming down. “Yeah, treason comes in handy.”  
  
“Jeez, okay,” Matteo said, taking a step back, his bewilderment about his own emotions startled out of him. Catching his breath, he glanced over to the small window in the metal door and saw that Lieutenant Adamczyk was watching, staring in adamantly. Matteo caught his ice-cold eyes for a moment, then took a step forward again, and continued, wishing he could bring back that David he had seen just moments ago. “I mean, I just don’t see how you would have died if you didn’t vandalize the castle walls, but yeah, whatever.”  
  
“Whatever?” David repeated, looking to the side and rolling his eyes. “This is just whatever to you. Have I not explained myself well enough? People have died because of this monarchy. People are out there dying right now. Starving, dying of illnesses, losing their will to live. There is no one looking out for them or telling them that life is worth living, that life can be more than just droning on, working and pretending to be happy. We want to live, Matteo. And if it takes me getting thrown in the dungeon and killed for people to have a chance to live, you better believe that I am going to do it. So, yeah, I need treason to survive. We all do.”   
  
By the time David was done, leaning back in his chair again and waiting for Matteo to say something, Matteo felt completely jumbled around inside.  
  
But he didn’t hate the feeling.  
  
There was something exhilarating about the way David spoke the truth. Matteo knew it was the truth. He didn’t even need to see it for himself. All he needed was David telling him because Matteo knew David was a beacon of authenticity and reality in a cave of fallacy and hypocrisy.  
  
As much as Matteo wanted the David from that night, the one who was raw and emotional and showed that he was just as soft on the inside as Matteo felt on the outside— as much as he wanted that David he also wanted this David. He wanted the David who was real, who called him out on his bullshit, who would never lie to him in a million years. The David who challenged Matteo, who made him think and work. The David who made him want to do better.   
  
“What can I do?” Matteo asked, stepping forward and finally clamping his hand around one of the cold, rusty bars. “David, how do I fix things out there?”   
  
Matteo was staring intensely at David, pleading with his eyes, and for just a moment, a flash of something reminiscent of surprised gratitude appeared on David’s face. But as it fast as it arrived, it departed, replaced by a mild hateful affect that Matteo didn’t buy.   
  
“Well, you could start by stepping down,” David said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders as he shifted in his chair.  
  
“What’s that going to do?” Matteo asked. “There’re more heirs to the throne.”  
  
“Yeah, the Machwitz family. A whole big family in line to take over the throne if— no when— your family fails. So many ready and willing Machwitzes,” David said, looking up at the ceiling as if he was considering each and every member of that family. Then he looked back down, straight into Matteo’s eyes. “But they won’t get there. We are working on that.”  
  
“Are you…” Matteo started, trailing off, fear trickling through his mind, then flooding through every crevice of his brain. _Maybe David isn’t as innocent as I thought._ “You can’t!”  
  
“Can’t what?” David asked, sounding entirely genuine.   
  
“Harm them,” Matteo said under his breath like it was a dirty secret, and in a way, it did sort of feel like one.   
  
“Oh, no. No, no. God, no,” David said, leaning forward. “Blood on our hands is the last thing we want. We want to do this peacefully. Don’t want to be damn hypocrites.”   
  
“So, what is your plan?” Matteo asked, seriously curious, all efforts of interrogation gone.   
  
“Why would I tell you that?” David asked, scooting back in his chair slowly as a clever smile came to his lips. “You’re the king we are trying to fight against, right? Why would I tell you any more than I already have?”  
  
“David,” Matteo said, sadly, wishing with everything he had that he wasn’t wearing his crown in that moment.  
  
“And don’t try that ‘I spared your life for this’ shit,” David said, casually. “You know I value this movement more than my life.” 

“Come on, please, David,” Matteo begged, bringing his other hand up to the bars as well. He wanted to say, _I don’t have to be the king you’re fighting against. I can be so much more._ But he didn’t. He couldn’t.   
  
What he could do was stare at David through those bars and watch his eyes soften and his gaze shift to the ground.   
  
Finally, David looked back up, and took in a deep breath. “Okay, fine. One thing,” he said reluctantly. Something told Matteo, though, that reluctant wasn’t actually the dominating emotion David was feeling in that moment. Maybe it was the slight flush of his cheeks or the way his eyes fluttered away as soon as they made it back to Matteo. “We are planning something,” he continued. “We have our long-term goals, sure. But right now, we are working on an act of protest to get our message out there. This is a fight of the people for the people. So, the more people the better. Only then can we get what we really want.”  
  
“And what do you really want?” Matteo asked, not waiting even a second, hands tightening as he pulled himself closer to the bars, wishing there was no barrier between them.   
  
David’s lower lip caught between his teeth as he laughed and looked back up at Matteo. His smug smirk returned and his eyebrows raised. “I said one thing.”  
  
Matteo let out a deep, unsteady breath as he stepped back from the bars, letting go of them. “Fair enough,” he said. “But this isn’t over.”   
  
“It better not be,” David said, low and purposeful.   
  
Matteo almost tripped as he turned to walk away.   
  
— — —  
  
When Matteo stepped out of the private cell, he was still flushed. His heart was still beating, and he was still bathed in all things David. He didn’t have words for it; he couldn’t describe it any other way than just _David._  
  
David was a feeling now, a feeling that left Matteo rather quickly when he saw his advisors and guards waiting on him on the other side of the door.  
  
The feeling didn’t shatter as Matteo snapped out of it. It was really just shoved down, pushed to the side and thrust right into the place where Matteo kept all his secrets. Matteo could still feel David close, though, like he was sitting on top of the pile of the countless hidden truths that Matteo had always kept so deep inside. It was like David—the person or the feeling, Matteo couldn’t quite tell— was just waiting for another opportunity to come out. Matteo knew that the truth that was David was itching to see the light of day again after even just moments of being subjected to depths. And Matteo really wanted to give in.   
  
But he did have to snap out of it, and so he did, as fast as Matteo could snap, which admittedly was not a snap so much as it was a slow bend away from something beautifully invigorating to something that was exhaustingly performative.   
  
When Lieutenant Adamczyk asked him if he had gotten anything out of David, Matteo lied.   
  
“No, nothing, nothing at all.”  
  
When Hans asked him if David had made him feel small like he had last time, Matteo lied again.   
  
“David doesn’t make me feel anything.”  
  
When the captain of the guard asked him if he wanted to continue to interrogate David or if he wanted the professionals to handle it, he finally told them a morsel of truth.   
  
“Um, no, I can keep doing it. I don’t mind.”   
  
Everyone in the hallway looked a bit confused, but no one objected. With words, anyways. Lieutenant Adamczyk’s face was full of all kinds of objections, but he kept his mouth shut until he announced that he was tired of being in the dungeon, and that they should all get on with their days.   
  
As they climbed the stairs up from the dungeon, Matteo slowed and fell behind the group. He took the steps carefully and methodically, as he tried to process everything swirling around him—his frustrating descent into his passive, yet deceptive role as sad King Matteo, the budding realization that the distance between who he really was and the person everyone believed him to be was growing, the sinking feeling that came from the sheer confusion over how he felt, the crushing admission that he was getting himself into something that he wanted so bad, but had no idea what to do with.   
  
Matteo’s pace was so slow that by the time he was halfway up the stairs, everyone else had already made it to the main floor and had distributed themselves away.   
  
Matteo briefly wondered why not even Hans had stayed back to make sure Matteo got to his next destination. Matteo had no idea what was next on his agenda.  
  
When Matteo finally reached the top of the stairs, just a little out of breath, the scattering of his advisors made sense and he was able to avoid that soul killing feeling for just a little longer.   
  
“Miss me?” Amira asked when Matteo opened the door to the grand hall and saw her standing there, waiting patiently for him with a wide smile on her face.   
  
“Yes, oh my god, Amira!” Matteo called out, picking up speed as he went to hug her. It was a short hug, but it was comforting in a way Matteo had forgotten he needed. He pulled back from the hug, arms still on Amira’s shoulders. “When did you get in?”  
  
“Not even ten minutes ago,” she said, reassuringly.  
  
Matteo stepped back from her, a hand coming up to his forehead as he caught her infectious grin and laughed a little. “Shit, I can’t believe I forgot that today was the day you were coming.”  
  
Amira laughed with him, and teased him back. “I can.”  
  
“Okay,” Matteo said, lazily flipping her off, and Amira just rolled her eyes affectionately. He turned a little, and motioned for her to follow him. “Come on, let’s go find a place to sit. I am tired of standing.”  
  
“I’m not,” Amira said, starting to walk with him. “I spent all day riding a camel, but you’re the king here so, whatever you say.”   
  
“Why did you take a camel?” Matteo asked, mildly dumbfounded. Amira was already a few strides ahead of them as they walked. “You have carriages and shit, don’t you?”  
  
“Yes, but camels go slower and I wanted this trip to last as long as possible,” she said, turning around to walk backwards for a moment as she spoke.   
  
“Why?” Matteo asked. He reached two extravagant chairs that both faced the same way, into the grandhall, with a small, sleek wooden table between them. Grateful to find a place to sit that wouldn't force eye contact with Amira if she ever decided to take a seat, Matteo collapsed into the chair on the left as he asked, “Is wedding planning not going well?”  
  
“It’s going fine, it’s just not my thing, you know?” Amira explained, still standing up in front of Matteo. As she spoke, she glanced back and forth between Matteo and the large window out to the garden behind him. “I would rather be talking to concerned citizens and coming up with solutions, sorting out trade agreements and giving speeches about them, not standing for fittings and deciding on a color scheme.”  
  
“Yeah, honestly wedding planning sounds like a disaster,” Matteo said, slumping over to the side, resting his head on his hand.   
  
“It is. But Mohammed loves it,” Amira said, stopping for a second, no doubt catching herself getting a little fond. “It’s really sweet, actually, how perfect he wants it to be. So, with him doing most of the work, it’s manageable. But I still needed to get away from the wedding fuss for a little while. Though, I guess I picked the wrong place to visit.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Matteo asked, not picking up on the subtext of Amira’s subtle hint.   
  
“You and Sara?” she asked. “I guess you probably aren’t the wedding stage yet, but that’s the goal, right?”   
  
“You know about that?” Matteo asked, a little embarrassed and surprised. _Why am I surprised? Amira knows everything._  
  
“Yeah, I saw her when I arrived,” Amira said plainly. _Right, Sara was here earlier. Why does that feel like a lifetime ago?_ “She was leaving the castle. She told me you guys had been getting to know each other all afternoon but then you got pulled away for something in the dungeon.”  
  
“So, she left?” Matteo asked, fast on the heels of Amira’s statement. He wasn’t even sure if she had finished, but when he finally processed through the second thing Amira said, he couldn’t stop himself.  
  
“Yeah, is that okay?” Amira asked, suddenly a little bit gentler. “If you want to spend the evening with her, you totally can. I’ll be here for at least a week, so we’ll have time.”  
  
“No, no, no,” Matteo said frantically, squirming a bit in his chair as he repositioned himself. Seeing the perplexed look on Amira’s face, he continued, trying to be as calm as possible. “I want to spend the evening with you. You’re my guest and my best friend.”  
  
“Okay, best friend,” Amira said, beaming again.   
  
“Don’t tell Jonas I said that,” Matteo said, half-jokingly, pointing a non-threatening finger at Amira, who was clearly fighting between laughing and smugly taking the win.   
  
“Oh, you know I will,” she said, taking a seat next to Matteo, the table between them. Somehow, she managed to laugh while still being extremely smug.   
  
That mix of affection and smugness struck Matteo. It was so intrinsically Amira, one of the kindest, most compassionate people he knew but also the firmest in her beliefs and the strongest willed. It was Amira, but it also reminded him of David.  
  
As they continued catching up, alone together in the grand hall, all Matteo could think about was David. He tried to focus on listening to Amira, and he did his best to keep a reciprocal conversation alive, but everything Matteo saw and heard was through the lens of David. That unavoidable feeling from earlier, that _David_ feeling, started to sneak back up, and he found himself lost in the labyrinth of the situation yet again.   
  
Eventually, the conversation lulled and Matteo was so wrapped up in his mind, that he couldn’t stop himself from bringing it up. A little part of him was terrified to touch the subject, even without details, but he just couldn’t stop himself. Something in him was propelling him forward, just like it had earlier in the dungeon. And again, he had no idea what it was, but he found himself following its commands, barely even knowing that he was.   
  
“Hey, Amira, can I, um, ask you sort of a weird question?” Matteo asked, voice quiet and closed off, a contrast to the casual, neutral tone he had been using.   
  
Noticing the shift in Matteo, Amira looked directly at him and responded seriously. “Sure.”  
  
He sat on his words for a moment, playing them over and over, making sure they didn’t give anything away. “How do you know if someone is flirting with you?” He eventually asked.   
  
Amira didn’t exactly laugh, but she definitely looked away like she was trying to stop herself from doing it. Matteo didn’t like the way that felt. “That’s not a weird question, Matteo,” she said when she turned back to him.   
  
“It’s not?” Matteo asked, sounding only half as crushed as he felt.   
  
“No, not at all,” Amira said, trying to reassure him. The problem was, Amira didn’t know what Matteo really needed to be assured about. “You and Sara are just starting to see each other, flirting is normal at this stage.”  
  
“Oh,” Matteo said, looking to his lap as the realization hit. _Amira doesn’t know everything after all._  
  
“What?” Amira asked, and Matteo could feel her looking at him even more intensely than before.   
  
“I wasn’t,” Matteo started, cutting himself off with a deep breath that felt terrifyingly shallow. “This isn’t, um, this isn’t about Sara.”   
  
“Oh,” Amira said, slightly taken aback. “Okay,” she said simply. Matteo could tell she wanted to say more without even looking at her. He knew her well enough to know that there were about a million thoughts in her head right now. But she wasn’t saying any of them, waiting for Matteo to take the lead.   
  
It took him a minute, not used to having the space to play an active role in anything in his life, but eventually, he pieced together an answer. It was a minefield, thinking of every word and placing them in a sentence, tiptoeing around pronouns and trying desperately to articulate something that didn’t feel articulateable.   
  
“There is, uh, someone else,” Matteo started. “who might be, like, flirting with me, but I am not totally sure because it's complicated, because, like, they also kind of hate me? But maybe not anymore? I don’t know. It’s so hard to tell how they actually feel.”  
  
“How do you feel?” Amira asked.   
  
“Huh?” Matteo asked, looking over to her.   
  
“Well,” Amira said, shifting in her chair so she was facing Matteo more directly. “You don’t know how this other person feels, which makes sense because it can be hard to determine what someone else is feeling. You aren’t in their head, so how can you really know unless they tell you? Sure, there are signs and subtle ways of communicating, but the only thing you can really be sure of is your own feelings.”  
  
“I don’t think it works like that,” Matteo mumbled, looking back down at his lap and picking at a small scab on his finger.   
  
“And why not?” Amira asked.   
  
“Well, just, like,” Matteo stuttered as he tried to find the words. “Just because they are my feelings and I’m in my own head, that doesn’t mean I know what I feel.”  
  
“Give it a shot,” Amira said, then added, “If you want to.”  
  
Matteo thought for a second, looking out across the hall. “I think I want to,” he said. “I just don’t know where to start.”  
  
“You don’t have to use emotion words, you know. Just think about this person, and the time you have spent with them. What comes to mind?”  
  
Matteo felt a little bit like giving up. It would be so easy to just tell Amira he couldn’t do it or give some cop-out answer. But David’s words echoed in his head, _“what do you think?”_ and then remembered the intoxicating feeling of answering and David looking at him with that proud smile.   
  
Thinking about David made Matteo want to try. It made him want to sit there as long as it took for the perfect words to come to his mind, but he quickly realized he already had them.  
  
“This person, they make me want to try. To get out there and actually do the things I can never convince myself to do. Because like, when I am just living my normal life,” Matteo started, soft but with a hint of confidence as he spoke. He knew a bit of what he wanted to say and for the first time, he trusted himself to fill in the gaps. “I feel kind of, not dead or anything, but just kind of not alive, really. Like dull. I normally feel dull. But when I am with them I feel the opposite of dull. Like, I mean, when they look at me I feel this shock that just wakes me up and makes me think and care and all of sudden feel like I am alive. And there is, like, pure light or something, running through my veins. Electric. I feel electric. And alive. And so electric.”  
  
It was a moment before Amira said anything in response, but Matteo barely noticed the delay or her eventual “That’s great” because he was still thinking, piecing together more of his feelings.   
  
“But like, that isn’t all,” Matteo said. “I also feel really weird, like a little terrified and dirty. God, yeah, I feel dirty. Like I am crossing this line that I am not supposed to cross no matter what I do,” Matteo stopped to breath, getting louder and more flustered as he continued. “And I feel stupid. I mean, also not stupid. I also feel like I am doing something right for the first time in my life. But when I feel that good feeling, I feel stupid because there is no way this is real, right? Like, I’m definitely just deluding myself and making this up because there is no way something is happening between us. There can’t be, it is just not the way it is supposed to be for, like, so many reasons. But, at the same time, it just has never felt more right. I just— I just, I didn’t realize that I could feel this way, all the good stuff, I mean. I thought I was doomed, and maybe I am, but damn, I think I want to fall in love, Amira,” he said firmly, pausing as he took in a sharp breath as his eyes fell on hers. “I think I want love, real love, and I have never let myself want that before.”  
  
Amira was silent, looking at Matteo with some kind of mix of worry and fear. He could feel the apprehension radiating off her. She didn’t seem confused, though. It was more like the wheels turning in her head were turning at warp speed as she tried to make sense of everything he had spilled out. Matteo’s stomach was so close to dropping, his own insecurities and anxieties about to set in when she finally got a word out.   
  
“Matteo,” Amira started, but nothing followed. Her mouth was open, poised and ready to speak, but she just shook her head ever so slightly.   
  
“Uh oh,” Matteo said, trying his best to lighten the mood. “Speechless Amira is never a good sign.” It would have worked a lot better if he didn’t sound so sad and desperate when he said it.   
  
“Matteo, are you okay?” Amira finally asked, something sparking her floodgates to open as she spoke, not as eloquently as Matteo knew she could. “I don’t want to put you on the spot at all, but, I mean? Look, I know the past few months have been heavy, but that, all that you just told me, that was a lot.”  
  
“Sorry,” Matteo whispered, utterly deflated.  
  
“No, don’t apologize,” Amira said. “I didn’t mean it was a bad thing. I am really happy you got that all out. I just want to make sure you’re okay. I am always here for you. No matter what.”   
  
Matteo looked over to Amira, seeing her sitting there with a loving, concerned look on her face. His eyes, though, settled on the table between them, where her arm was resting with her hand outstretched like she was reaching out to him. And all he had to do was reach back.  
  
“Amira?” he asked nervously, eyes flitting up to meet hers, hands pushing deeper into his lap.  
  
“Yeah?” she responded gently.  
  
“This person that I’ve been telling you about,” he started, having to glance away before he could continue a moment later. “It’s a guy. I’m gay.”   
  
He finally got the words out, but in a hushed tone because as he spoke, he suddenly remembered that even though they were alone in the grand hall, it wasn’t exactly a private place. He was terrified for a million reasons in that vulnerable moment, but he tried to push away the horror of being overheard by concentrating on the one person who he really did want to tell. 

Matteo looked back to Amira, but he still felt frozen and petrified by the reality of his openness as his eyes fell on her. He felt utterly cold from the inside out as he waited in dread and fear. Time slowed in the worst way possible. Matteo was one second away from regretting everything, but then he watched Amira’s face turn from serious, focused and engaged beyond belief, to warm, a small loving smile softening the lines of her face.   
  
“Matteo,” she said like she was seeing him for the first time, but also, like nothing had changed. “There is nothing dirty or wrong about falling for a guy. It is beautiful, listening to you talk about him and the way he makes you feel. That electric feeling in your veins, that’s rare. Chase that and please don’t let it go.”  
  
“Thanks, Amira,” Matteo said genuinely, drinking in her words. It was overwhelming to hear her call it beautiful. But somehow, against all odds, the world felt right.   
  
“No, thank you for telling me. For trusting me,” Amira said. “I hope you know that you don’t need to feel evil or wrong or stupid for being gay. There is nothing wrong with you.”  
  
“I think I’m close to knowing that,” Matteo said, smiling and looking back at her. “But I don’t feel stupid because he is a guy.”  
  
“Okay, then why?”  
  
“Well, he isn’t exactly,” Matteo said, carefully finding his way to the ending. “Royal. Or even noble.”  
  
“You know that Mohammad wasn’t royal or noble, right?” Amira asked, sitting back a little in her chair, turning back to the side of her that Matteo could only call smug.   
  
“Well, yeah, but he was like, you know,” Matteo tried, waving his arms in an effort to get his point across.  
  
“No, I don’t,” Amira said, and leaned back towards him, hand on the table again.  
“Use your words, my friend.”  
  
“Well, it’s just that, he’s sort of a criminal,” Matteo said, and the words came out easier than he thought they would. But then he had a brief moment of worry, and continued, bumbling over his words a bit. “Not Mohammed. David. That’s his name. And he is sort of in the dungeon right now. Well, not sort of. He definitely is.”   
  
Matteo could have kept going, but he didn’t, watching carefully as Amira turned her head a little, and sat in thought for a moment.   
  
She made eye contact again and said with complete and total sureness, “People are more complicated than the things they have done.”   
  
Matteo smiled, thinking about David. “Yeah, they definitely are,” he said, a little bashfully, though that quickly moved aside as his flustered, wandering speech came back. “See, that’s the thing, I feel like I have this glimpse of David for who he really is, but it is cloudy and far off. And, I mean, it’s not that I don’t like the part of him that is loud and bold and unapologetic and just so fucking smooth and hot— shit, sorry. You didn’t need to know that I find him incredibly hot, though I guess that is sort of implied—”   
  
“Matteo, it’s okay. Just breath,” Amira said and he could feel himself getting red in the face as he took in a deep breath. “Okay, now what were you saying?”  
  
“It isn’t that I don’t like that part of him or think he is a total fake or something. I just know there is more to him because he’s showed me these tiny sneak peaks of who he is underneath all that cool, badass rebel stuff. And I just want to see that real person up close. Like so bad.”   
  
“So, put in the work,” Amira said like it was the only obvious answer.   
  
“The work?” Matteo asked.   
  
“Relationships take work, Matteo,” Amira said. “If you want to see David, like really see him, then put the work in.”  
  
Matteo was about to open his mouth, hoping he could think of something to say by the time he did, but he heard Jonas’s voice bellow out through the grand hall.   
  
“Queen Amira Thalia Mahmood of Yogalla!” he called out, as he and Hanna walked into the hall, Jonas’s arm slung over Hanna’s shoulders.   
  
“Jonas! Hanna! Hello!” Amira responded gleefully, not missing a beat moving from conversation to conversation. She got out of her chair and gave them each a hug a few feet from the chair where Matteo remained, still deep in thought about what Amira had just said.   
  
“How was the trip?” Matteo thought he heard Hanna ask, still a little clouded and stuck in his own head.   
  
_“Put in the work,”_ she had said. He didn’t exactly know what that work consisted of, but whatever it was, he knew he wanted to do it. He didn’t know if David would take to it, if he was sitting down there in the dungeon wishing Matteo would put in the work, but he had to give it a shot  
  
_Or maybe he has been trying to put in the work himself. He has been flirting with me, hasn’t he? He is putting in the work._  
  
He wasn’t sure if flirting was exactly what Amira meant by work, and he also wasn’t sure that he would be able to do it, not like David did at least. David was so skilled at making him blush and giggle and feel electric. Matteo was so glad he had found that word.   
  
Matteo wasn’t sure what his strategy for putting in the work would look like, but he had a feeling it was going to be a lot of following his gut. For so long, he felt failed by his gut, but lately, his gut had led him in the right direction.   
  
And his gut was telling him that he needed to get to know David, like really get to know him. And stop treating him like a criminal. David wasn’t someone he needed to be afraid of. He was someone he needed to get close to.   
  
Satisfied with his internal processing, Matteo’s gut was also telling him that right then wasn’t the time to put the work in with David. It was the time to hang out with his three amazing, amazing friends.   
  
He tuned back into Amira, Jonas and Hanna’s conversation, catching the tail end of Amira telling Jonas something.   
  
“I haven’t made it up to the guest suite yet, but my things have. Everyone has been very hospitable, so you have no need to worry.”   
  
“Good, good, I’m glad to hear that,” Jonas said, nodding his head.   
  
“Okay, Amira,” Hanna said, stepping out of Jonas’s arm to get closer to Amira. “I want to hear all about the wedding and Mohammed and your brothers and the boxing club grand opening, and just everything! It’s been too long.”  
  
“It’s only been three months,” Matteo said teasingly, reentering the conversation. He stood up and walked over to his friends, feeling a true power behind his mischievousness for once.   
  
Hanna just scrunched up her face in a smile, as she put her arm out for a side hug that Matteo gladly accepted, leaning into her as Amira rolled her eyes.   
  
“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t run up here and hug me when you saw me, best friend,” Amira said, then looked directly to Jonas, who was already overtaken with mostly feigned offense. “Oh, yeah, Jonas, I haven’t even been here an hour and he’s already called me his best friend.”  
  
“Nope, no way,” Jonas said, shaking his head. “Impossible.”  
  
“Oh, it’s very possible, Augustine,” Amira said, unable to hide her smile.   
  
Jonas couldn’t keep up the act either, pulling Amira into a side hug as well. “I am so glad you are here, Mahmood.”  
  
“Me too,” she said, sentimentally, looking more at Matteo than Jonas.   
  
Matteo broke into his own smile as he looked at her, the gravitas of the moment they had just shared present in their exchange. He hoped Amira knew how grateful he was for her.   
  
“Okay, you guys, I’m starving,” Matteo said. “I think it is officially dinner time.”  
  
They all responded in happy agreement, and with their arms still around each other, they left the grand hall together.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next Monday for Chapter 5— Can We Illuminate Our Hearts?


	5. Can We Illuminate Our Hearts?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Welcome back! I’m excited to share chapter 5; I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> And as always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Happy reading!

The next morning, not long after David woke up, he was visited once again by the young, blonde guard who had been bringing him what the justice system of Florenzia passed off as a meal every morning and evening. This time, though, he also held a metal bucket. David raised an eyebrow at the sight, but he stayed quiet, sitting on the ground with his back pressed against the wall, directly under the window.  
  
“Breakfast,” the guard said unenthusiastically, sliding the plate through the small, low gap in the bars to the right of the cell door. “You need to get up so I can hand you this.”  
  
The guard held up the bucket, and David let out an exaggerated groan as he got up. Was it a burden to have to stand up and walk over there? No. Was he actually curious about the bucket? Yes. But did he want any of that human nature and mildness to show itself? Absolutely not.  
  
He stepped up to the bars, looking rather unimpressed, and the guard reached into the bucket. He pulled out a few wash rags, and said “Here,” as he shoved his hand between two of the bars.   
  
“What am I supposed to do with these?” David deadpanned, grabbing the rags and holding them limply.  
  
“You can bathe,” the guard said plainly, reaching back into the bucket and handing him a bar of off-white soap.  
  
David just looked at the soap, eyebrows raising yet again. “Wow,” he said, looking up to shoot the guard a nasty glare. “Four days in and you are finally letting me take care of my basic human needs.”  
  
“Well, technically, since you came in at night, it’s only been three days,” the guard said, and David could sense a trace of apprehension in his voice. “And, we provide bathing supplies every three days. That’s the policy.”  
  
David smiled a bit wickedly as he aggressively grabbed the bar of soap with this other hand. “You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?” he asked, doing everything he could to reach into the guard and pull out his thinly veiled vulnerably. “But you can’t help but be a slave to this kingdom, having to point out the truth of all the poison that has been bled into your brain.”  
  
“Um,” the guard said, taking a step back, suppressing any more dramatic reaction as he continued, mostly composed. “If you want the bucket, I am going to have to go get a higher-ranking guard since we’ll have to open the door to give it to you.”  
  
“You really have the worst job around here, don’t you?” David asked vehemently, stepping closer to the bars, careful not to kick the plate on the ground next to him; the bread and apple combo was getting old, but he still needed to eat. “You have to bring criminals all this shitty stuff, but I can tell you hate having to come down here. Why the hell do you even do it? There’s a whole world out there that doesn’t include kissing the royal family’s ass. Or is it the high and mighty advisors that you want to impress? That regal as fuck captain of yours?”  
  
“I’m just here to serve my kingdom,” the guard said. “I just want to protect my king and give back to this great land.”  
  
“Yeah, and I bet the sword is a nice bonus,” David said sarcastically, and the guard instinctively brought his hand to the handle of his sword as it rested in his scabbard. David huffed out a haughty laugh and turned to walk away. “You can go. I don’t want the stupid bucket.”  
  
“You know, I’ve heard you talking about your revolution, saying you want the lives of people in Florenzia to get better,” the guard said fervently after a moment. David sat down at the table, and looked him dead in the eye, amused and interested to see where he was going with this sudden bout of expressiveness. “Me and everyone here, we are people in Florenzia too. We are affected by things too. We have lives. We have names.”  
  
David looked to the side. He knew the guard was right. David cared about the people of Florenzia. David cared about people, period. He loved people, even. He loved the humanity of every single person under the sun because at the core of his beliefs and principles was the fact that everyone was a valuable human being with rights that deserved to be respected. He knew that everyone mattered, and if everyone mattered, he had to care about everyone getting what they deserved in life.  
  
But looking up at that guard, privileged and brainwashed, complacent to so much pain and destruction, it was hard to not believe that what he deserved in life was a cold shoulder and an aggressive demeanor.  
  
But then a memory came up from his heart, and clawed its way into his mind; Matteo, the king of Florenzia, standing in that exact same spot, dripping in desperation and passion asking, _“What can I do? David, how do I fix things out there?”_   
  
_Maybe it’s time I start giving people the benefit of the doubt._  
  
“What’s your name?” David asked the guard, eyes falling back on him. The guard stood silent for a moment before he was able to respond, standing up tall and speaking clearly.  
  
“Stefan,” he said. “Stefan Wiese. Native of Clarence City. I just graduated from the academy. It’s my fourth month on the job. And I think we want the same thing. To make this place better. We just have different ways of going about that.”  
  
“Stefan,” David said, mulling over the name in his mind. Then he said all he knew to say, serious and genuine. “I hope that at least one of us succeeds.”  
  
“Me too,” Stefan said, matching David’s tone. He turned to walk away, but with the door in arms reach, he stopped and turned back to David. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, no one will be coming by this morning. You will have privacy to take care of yourself. I’ll be stationed at the front of the dungeon all day. Someone may come by this afternoon for more interrogation, but I won’t let anyone come in until after midday.”  
  
David’s mind was already starting to run with the new information, so he just nodded as Stefan flashed a friendly smile and left the room.  
  
David was thankful to have the morning to himself so could finally get clean in peace— even the less than ideal method of bathing was better than living in his own filth for days upon days— but as much as David itched to get started with the soap, rags, and water from the sink, he couldn’t. His mind was stuck on the afternoon ahead of him, and he felt deeply paralyzed in thought, as he so often did.  
  
More interrogation didn’t scare him, but the idea of Matteo being the one to interrogate him again didn’t exactly leave him feeling at ease.  
  
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Matteo. Of course he wanted to see Matteo.  
  
Matteo was someone who seemed like he understood, someone who was kind, someone who listened. He cared about more than just David’s demise. Actually, Matteo didn’t seem to care about that at all. David didn’t quite know what Matteo was after, but it almost didn’t matter to him. Matteo made him feel comfortable, heard, weightless; those moments they shared lit him up inside in a way he didn’t know he had been lacking.  
  
Matteo was amazing to David, but that was exactly the problem. For as much as Matteo made him feel all that goodness, he wore the crown. The gold and jewels that adorned his messy, yet gorgeous head stood for everything that David felt called to fight against. That was a dichotomy David didn’t think he could handle.  
  
And yet, there David was handling it quite well— he had handled it the day before when he demanded to see Matteo, and he was more than capable of continuing to handle it if Matteo came by that afternoon or the next day or anytime.  
  
See, David thought he didn’t have a plan, but he did. David always had a plan, he just didn’t always let himself in on it. It was easier that way sometimes, like when part of the plan is allowing yourself to flirt with the king.   
  
On the surface, David felt torn between the two forces inside of him, one pulling him towards Matteo and the other pulling him towards his principles. David told himself that he was stuck in a battle he didn’t know how to fight in.   
  
But really, he knew exactly what he was doing; he was keeping himself translucent.  
  
Flirt a little, have a little fun, see where it goes. But then take a step back, jab a little harder, don’t back down. And then turn back around and see if you can make the king blush.   
  
It was the safest bet, the only way to keep his options open, even if it left him feeling a little unsteady. He was jumping from mode to mode, switching to the other version of himself as soon as he stopped feeling safe. It was classic David really.   
  
Not that David could see that. All David could see was a floundering guy who was betraying too many things to count and had no tactical strategy to make it out alive.   
  
David liked to tell people he was self-aware. He wasn’t.   
  
— — —  
  
After a morning of boring briefings and not enough time with Amira, Matteo decided it was time to put in the work.   
  
He told Hans that he wanted to read up on the history of the Florenzian people, so he needed his afternoon to be cleared and Hans happy obliged. After sitting idly in the royal library for a few minutes to sell the lie, Matteo got up and started the trek down to the dungeon.   
  
The library was the only nonresidential space on the second floor, which was why Matteo had figured it would be a good place to sneak away from while everyone was hard at work on the ground floor. But as he rounded the corner, he saw Jonas’ open bedroom door, and through it, Jonas sitting at his desk.   
  
“Shit,” Matteo muttered to himself, but then he froze, realizing that speaking wasn’t going to help him go by unnoticed.   
  
He took in a large breath as quietly as he could, then held it as he scampered past Jonas.   
  
He was just on the other side of the door, about to declare himself safe, when he heard Jonas called out “Hey, Matteo, wait up.”   
  
Matteo closed his eyes, cursing himself, silently this time. He took a few steps back so he was in front of the door, where Jonas was now standing.   
  
“Hey, Jonas,” he said trying to sound happy and casual, but knowing he was probably failing. “What are you doing working up here?”  
  
“Dude, I share an office with three other advisors,” Jonas said. “I can’t get any real work done down there.”  
  
“Oh, uh,” Matteo said. “We can maybe work on finding you a better office or something.”  
  
“Nah, it’s fine, I like working in my room,” Jonas said, leaning on the door frame. “Anyways, I am glad you were up here because I wanted to ask you about how yesterday went with Sara. We haven’t had a chance to talk yet, what with Amira and how busy we all are. You’re not busy right now, are you?”  
  
“Um, no, not busy,” Matteo said, feeling the possibility of seeing David again slipping away.   
  
“Cool, so, how was it? Like really?” Jonas asked, interest clear on his face.  
  
“It was fine,” Matteo said, looking down at his shoes. “Went about as well as I expected.”   
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, she’s cool and all, but she’s still, you know, a she. And I’m still, well,” Matteo said, stopping to convince himself it was okay to say it out loud again. He lowered his already quiet voice, and finished, “I’m still gay.”  
  
“It’s not a good situation that’s for sure,” Jonas said. “But of all the girls in the world?”  
  
“She’s not too bad, I guess. I’m trying to keep up with it all, but I’m not so sure I will be able to,” Matteo said, then he breathed out heavily as he stepped back to lean against the wall across from Jonas’s doorway. “Or that I even want to.”  
  
“Oh?” Jonas asked.   
  
Matteo pressed the back of his head into the wall, and said, “I came out to Amira yesterday.”  
  
“Really?” Jonas asked, uncertainty evident on his face before he cleared it away. “I mean, I’m happy for you, man, that’s awesome. I just didn’t think coming out was what you wanted.”  
  
“Well, it’s just one person, not the whole kingdom. And it was Amira. She’s like my long-distance sister, basically,” Matteo said, leaning forward subconsciously as he spoke. “But, yeah, I mean, maybe I was wrong before. Maybe there is something good about actually coming out. Not living the lie.”  
  
“I think that’s up for you to decide,” Jonas said. “But I’ll support you either way.”  
  
“Thanks, man,” Matteo said, and he put all his weight on the wall again. He pushed his head back harder than before as he looked up at where the wall met the ceiling over Jonas’ door. It was silent for a moment, but Matteo could feel his gut speaking to him. “Hey, Jonas?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Earlier when I said I wasn’t busy? I actually am busy,” Matteo said, looking down at him.   
  
“Oh, okay, that’s fine,” Jonas said, casually, like it wasn’t a big deal that Matteo was finally standing up for what he wanted. The gravity wasn’t lost on Matteo, though, who felt simultaneously terrified and energized as Jonas finished. “What are you up to?”  
  
“I’m, um,” Matteo said, fishing for the strength to tell the truth. “I’m going to go see David.”   
  
“Wow, that’s great,” Jonas said, and for a split second Matteo could pretend that Jonas knew what seeing David really meant. But then he kept going. “Already going down there again. I’m happy to see you are taking such an interest in the interrogation. It isn’t necessarily in the job description for king, but still, you are doing a king thing. That’s good.”  
  
“Right, yup, a king thing,” Matteo said, knowing he was lying just a little as he pushed himself off the wall and turned to go. “Gotta go do my king thing.”   
  
— — —  
  
David wasn’t self-aware, but he was more than aware of the world around him. The kingdom he lived in, the places he went, the people he met, the things he saw, the sounds he heard. David took it all in, and never delayed to react however his head saw fit.  
  
For example, that afternoon, the loud clank of the metal door opening prompted him to get up from the table where he had been sitting, ready to do whatever he needed to do in order to survive the afternoon.   
  
He looked out and saw Matteo entering the room, completely alone and more determined than David had ever seen him. He didn’t even look at David as he walked in, instead heading straight to the set of keys hanging on the wall across from the cell. He grabbed the keys and fumbled around with them as he walked to the cell door. Then, David took in an astonished breath as Matteo effortfully slid the key into the cell’s lock.   
  
“What are you doing?” David asked, taking a step forward, but being careful not to get too close to the opening cell door. He didn’t want Matteo think he was making a break for it.   
  
Matteo didn’t answer for a moment, too focused on turning around and locking the door behind him, which was a little hard from the inside. He stuffed the keys in the pocket of his pants, and turned around to face David.   
  
“It feels weird talking with the bars between us,” Matteo said simply, eye contact making David’s breath hitch and lips part ever so slightly. “If we want to get anywhere with this we need to be on an even playing field.”   
  
David was speechless for a moment, taken aback by Matteo’s demeanor. He could still see the newness in his confidence, but it was so enticing. It wasn’t just the confidence though, that barely scratched the surface. Matteo was in his cell. He had unlocked it and just walked inside like it was the most normal thing for him to do, like there was no reason they shouldn’t be able to stand there without bars between them. For that moment, David couldn’t think of a single reason either.   
  
“Wow, I’m impressed,” David finally said, tilting his head and pursing his lips.   
  
“Um, yeah, thanks,” Matteo said shyly, running his hand through his hair. _He’s not wearing his crown._  
  
“Where’s your crown?” David asked absentmindedly, eyes stuck on Matteo’s messy, dirty blonde hair.  
  
“Oh, I didn’t feel like wearing it,” Matteo said, still a little bashful. “And I, uh, told the guard on post to take a break.”   
  
“And he listened?” David asked, too clouded by all that was Matteo to think too hard about Stefan and the conversation they had shared early that morning.  
  
“You said it yourself, I can be authoritative when I want to be,” Matteo said smoothly, and David just had to turn around, walking to the back wall. He was feeling way too much for his liking, and he needed a minute. Matteo, though, didn’t falter, and a few seconds later asked, “So, are you from Clarence City?”  
  
“What?” David asked, reaching the wall and turning around to face Matteo again, feeling almost secure enough in the facade he had just thrown up around himself.   
  
“Where are you from?” Matteo reiterated, still standing near the door.   
  
“Karthik,” David answered simply. He hoped the flatness in his voice made him sound detached enough. He waited for Matteo to comment, but when he didn’t, David just scoffed a little, bringing one foot flush against the wall behind him. “It’s a village in the east. Only takes about a day on foot to get there from here.”  
  
“A whole day of walking?” Matteo asked, eyes wide.  
  
“Yeah, we don’t all have fancy carriages,” David quipped back.   
  
“Right, yeah,” Matteo said, looking around, maybe a bit embarrassed. David watched as Matteo bit his lower lip in thought and walked over to sit at the table, facing David. “What is it like Karthik?”  
  
“Small,” David said, turning to look up at the ceiling. “Way too fucking small. Everyone knows everyone. Someone sneezes and everyone knows about it by sundown, if not before.”   
  
“Sounds intense,” Matteo said, voice heavy and attentive.   
  
“Yeah, it was. But, who doesn’t have a love-hate relationship with their childhood home?” David asked, shrugging and bringing his foot down to the ground so he could turn to face Matteo, shoulder pushed against the wall.   
  
“Very true,” Matteo said, nodding. When neither one of them spoke for a moment, Matteo filled the space again. “So, what do you love about it?”  
  
“Um,” David said, turning his body away again, debating whether he should answer or not. Eventually, he gave in. “The people, I guess. Not all of the people, not even most of the people. But there are some good ones in the mix.”  
  
“Like?”   
  
David looked over to Matteo, side-eyeing him, perplexed. He wanted to ask him why he was asking so many questions. The look he saw on Matteo’s face—interested and invested, focused solely on him like the rest of the world didn’t matter. It made David forget the confusion and the caution. _What was the harm in answering just a few innocent questions?_  
  
“Like my best friend and my sister, who is also basically my best friend,” David said, moving to sit down across from Matteo at the table. “I met my best friend when I was maybe three or four, and she’s a total badass. Just like, the coolest girl you’ll ever meet. Fiery, but she keeps it all in and then attacks when she needs to. We get along so well. Sometimes I feel like we were twins separated at birth or something.”  
  
“That’s really cool,” Matteo said smiling, and David couldn’t help but smile too. “And you have an actual sister, too?”  
  
“Yeah, she’s great,” David said. “She’s older than me, so she has always looked out for me and made sure no one messed with me. She is a lot subtler and kinder than my best friend, but just as loyal and protective of the people she loves. She’s the best. I actually live with her.”  
  
“Oh, that’s awesome, here in the city?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, she moved to the capital to try to find work once she turned 18,” David started, strategically continuing, testing out the waters. “She met this girl who she was absolutely infatuated with at a woodworking shop. She ended up getting a job and a girlfriend.”  
  
“Wait, your sister is, uh,” Matteo stuttered out, fumbling over his words for the first time that day.   
  
“She’s gay. That isn’t a problem, is it?” David asked, but he was pretty sure he knew the answer. Matteo’s face was the same as it had been when David had brought up the queer community that first night. It screamed interested but scared to hear the words out loud. That, and the fact that David was inching dangerously close to the realization that Matteo was really, truly into him, were enough to be able to predict Matteo’s answer.  
  
“No, no, not at all,” Matteo said, quickly, just as David thought he would.  
  
“Good, good,” David said, pausing to decide if he should continue, but before his logical side could kick in, he kept going. “Because I’m pansexual, and it would really suck if you had a problem with that.”  
  
“Oh,” Matteo said, looking down, then glancing up ever so slightly. “No, I definitely don’t have a problem with that.”  
  
“Good,” David said. He sat there, the moment reverting between them, but he couldn’t take it for longer than a dozen or so seconds. He got up and walked back over to his previous place on the wall, shoulder pressed into stone as he faced Matteo. “So, ask me another question.”  
  
“Okay, um, sure,” Matteo said, a little louder than David was expecting. “So, you live with your sister here, but what about your best friend? Is she still in Karthik?”  
  
“No, she’s not. She lives here now. But, actually, she was barely in Karthik to begin with. You know that arts academy in Yogalla?” He asked, and Matteo nodded. “She went there, so, we’ve spent more time being long-distance than being in the same city.”  
  
“I know someone that went to the arts academy,” Matteo said, and he sounded a bit somber. “But she’s not important.”  
  
“Well, everyone is important,” David said, easily. “What’s her name?”  
  
“Why would I tell you her name if you haven’t told me your people’s names?” Matteo asked, a mischievous smile replacing his downturned lips.   
  
“Touché,” David said, smiling back at him.   
  
“Yeah, plus, I really didn’t come down here to talk about the woman I am supposed to be marrying,” Matteo said passively, and it hit David way harder than he wanted it to.   
  
“You’re getting married?” David asked, in shock, trying to stop his heart from shrinking back into his chest.   
  
“I don’t know, maybe, maybe not,” Matteo sighed, eyes everywhere but on David. For once, David was glad to be left unseen. He really didn’t want anyone, let alone Matteo, to see him so crushed. He didn’t want to even feel so crushed. “Every king needs a queen, right? Sorta how this thing works.”  
  
“Shit,” David said, ripping his eyes away from Matteo as he collapsed his back against the wall. _Of course he is getting married to someone else. Some woman. I knew I shouldn’t have— no. Fuck. I haven’t. I’m not._  
  
“Yeah, exactly,” Matteo muttered. “But I am not here to talk about depressing shit. What was your favorite subject in school?”  
  
“Seriously?” David asked distraught, turning to look back at Matteo. At first, David was scowling, but as a smile crept back on to Matteo’s face, he couldn’t stop his lips from turning up into a smile.  
  
“I am serious. Favorite subject in school, favorite food, do you have any pets, when did you get your nose pierced, do you like cold weather or hot weather— just start going down the list, Schreibner,” Matteo said, dorky grin on his face, a few sweet giggles escaping from his lips as he stared at David.   
  
David just shook his head as he laughed just a little, soft and intimate, losing his mind over how adorable and hilarious and goddamn endearing Matteo was.   
  
“Um, okay, let’s see,” David said, trying to regain his composure and answer earnestly. “It’s a tie between art and sports. I could eat shakshuka all day. I’ve never had a pet in my life. I was 16 and, I know you’re going to ask, so, no, it didn’t hurt. And I am undoubtedly a cold weather person.”   
  
“Oh, wrong answer, summer is way better than winter,” Matteo said, and David couldn’t hold it in any longer. He fell into a fit of laughter— true, full-on, never been this happy in his life laughter— and he brought Matteo down with him. They shared the moment, eyes locked as they laughed, and David felt like he was free-floating, tethered only to Matteo.  
  
After a good few minutes of laughing so hard that his ribs started aching, David took in a few deep breaths and shook his head as he looked away to regain his composure. It was only then that he was able to get out the words that had been repeating in his head, no doubt direct transports from his fast-beating heart. “There is no wrong answer, oh my god, you’re the best kind of insufferable.”  
  
He glanced over to Matteo, who suddenly looked timid, peering down at the tabletop, as a blush rose on his cheeks. That blush made it all feel worth it. “Um, I” Matteo stuttered, and David turned his body to face him again. Eventually, Matteo got another spark of determination and found David’s eyes again. “I actually had one more serious question, sorry.”  
  
“Don’t apologize,” David said, softly, overcome with a flash of protective empathy.  
  
“Um, okay,” Matteo said, averting his eyes a little. “You’ve never mentioned your mother. What about her?”   
  
“My mother?” David echoed, looking away, thoughts starting to lightly toss around in his head as he tried to decide how he wanted to approach the question. A devilish smile appeared on his face as Matteo spoke again.   
  
“Yeah, your mother,” Matteo said, and David looked back to him.  
  
“I killed her,” David deadpanned, face blank.  
  
“You what?!” Matteo exclaimed, jerking to the side a little in his chair, eyebrows shooting up in horror.   
  
“In childbirth,” David finished, biting his lower lip to hold back his laughter.   
  
“Oh my god,” Matteo exhaled, relief palatable in his voice, as he leaned back. David’s laughter spilled out, and for a moment Matteo just sat there looking at the ceiling, expression unreadable even to David. But then the look on Matteo’s face turned to impressed and deeply fond, and David knew he was falling for the right person. “Oh my god, you, holy fuck,” Matteo said, laughter starting to seep into his voice.  
  
David looked down as he smiled, and watched his feet carry himself over to the table. He pulled out the chair across from Matteo and took a seat. He could hear a faint voice in the back of his head telling him to stop, to take a step back, but there was a louder pull from somewhere deep in his chest. He wanted to be there with Matteo, even and equal, and he wanted to tell him as much truth as he could muster. So, he did.  
  
“Yeah, so, my mom died when she had me—pretty typical around here, really. My dad raised me and my sister, then when he went off to war, my godmother took me in until I was old enough to move to the capital with my sister.” As David explained, Matteo nodded attentively, but then David paused, his mind catching up with him. And, yet a little bit more laughter spilled out, as he asked, “Wait, did you really think I was capable of killing my own mother?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Matteo said a bit defensively, shrugging his shoulders. “You told me you committed the crimes you needed to survive. I don’t really know what you’re capable of.”   
  
Matteo’s tone was light. David knew he wasn’t really afraid. He wouldn’t have come in the cell and left the key in his pocket if he didn’t trust David. Holding on to that assurance, David took another risk, pushing things further than before.   
  
“But you want to know, don’t you?” David asked low, heat heavy in his voice. Matteo caught on immediately, shrinking back timidly.  
  
“I don’t know what you mean,” Matteo said just above a whisper. David could practically hear Matteo’s heart beating out of his chest. _Or maybe that’s my heart._  
  
“All the questions?” David asked, leaning forward with his arms on the table between them. “You coming down here again? Alone?”  
  
— — —  
  
Matteo was silent for a moment, taken aback by David’s forwardness. He thought he had been dumbfounded when David told him he was pan, but that was nothing compared to the heat on his cheeks, the drop of his stomach, the lump in his throat and his utter lack of ability to put a sentence together.  
  
He knew David was right. David was exactly, completely right. Matteo wanted to know David more than he wanted anything. And in that moment, it was so easy to admit to himself that he wanted David more than anything.  
  
But being able to acknowledge those desires to himself didn’t mean he was ready to go any further with things. He wasn’t prepared for David sitting across from him, leaning forward on the table, staring directly at him with that intoxicating smirk and those beautiful, dark eyes, practically begging for Matteo to admit what he was feeling.  
  
So, Matteo was frozen there, nearly forgetting to breathe, until he was able to somehow remember that he had an out.  
  
“You’re the one who said he would only talk if I came alone,” Matteo said, trying to conjure up that confidence he had walked in with. “Which, by the way, you haven’t done much actual talking. What are you and your friends planning? Are your sister and your best friend a part of it? Your act of protest?”  
  
“Is that really all you care about?” David asked, and it sounded like he was really asking, like this wasn’t just a game to him.  
  
“Is it all you care about?” Matteo asked back, unsure of what else to say.  
  
“Maybe,” David said slyly, leaning back in his chair and tilting his head.  
  
“Maybe?” Matteo asked, lost as to what David meant by that. It almost sounded like it was a game again. Matteo felt like he was walking through a maze, trying to figure out what was happening and where David was coming from.   
  
“Will you stop repeating me?” David asked, and the annoyed and self-righteous tone in his voice made David’s sudden shift all too clear. “Is that some interrogation tactic they tried to teach you?   
  
“God no,” Matteo said, trying not to let David’s return to his haughty attitude get to him. _Just keep going._ “I totally zoned out during that lecture this morning.”  
  
“Wow, you really are bad at this,” David scoffed. “It almost makes me glad you’re the king.”  
  
Matteo closed his eyes, coaching himself in his head. _Don’t let the fact that he is acting like this stop you. He is the same person who laughed with you a few minutes ago. Think about how great that moment felt. Just say what comes to mind. Don’t live the lie._  
  
“I, um, I just lose focus really easily,” Matteo said, opening his eyes. “And like, I don’t know, things get all jumbled around in my head, so the less things that are up there the better. And they’re constantly trying to jam things into my head. This whole king thing is just too much. Too much information, too much responsibility, too much skills, too much things to do, things to remember, too much pressure.”  
  
“It’s almost as if our whole government shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of one person,” David said, and it was gentler than before. Still rough, but Matteo could tell David was coming back to him.   
  
“Well, that person definitely shouldn’t be me,” Matteo said quietly. “I mean, I have this friend, Amira. She’s the queen of Yogalla and she’s killing it. Like, her parents literally retired so that she could become queen at 18 because they knew she would do an amazing job. She knows exactly what the people need and how to serve them best and she’s smart and with it and was born to be queen. Like her blood actually deserves to be royal. But the Florenzi family line, our blood doesn’t deserve shit.”  
  
“Well, I won’t say that. Maybe you aren’t cut out to be king, but you can’t be good for nothing,” David said, leaning back towards the table, voice tender and thoughtful. _There he is._ “You have value, Matteo.”  
  
“It’s hard to believe that sometimes,” Matteo mumbled, to his lap, too afraid to look David in the eyes.  
  
“Well, for starters, you’re a good listener,” David said, and Matteo looked up at him, confused as to what David was doing. But as David continued, it clicked into place. “Maybe not when you’re being taught king stuff, but when I talk, I know you’re listening to every word and trying your damnedest to understand what I’m saying and what it’s like to live in my shoes. And you’re open-minded, nonjudgmental. I’ve never felt like you were looking down at me for being in here. You see me as a person. And I don’t know, maybe that’s just the way you are with me, but if you treat everyone like you treat me, then you might actually be able to do some good in this world. Not to mention you’re funny in the weirdest way possible. And you’re not too bad to look at, so that’s gotta be good for something.”  
  
Matteo blushed, and looked away, overwhelmed by the compliments that somehow felt like more than compliments. He wanted so badly to look in David’s eyes in that moment, to see what David looked like when he was listing off the reasons that Matteo mattered to the world, and maybe even to him. Just as he was able to shift his eyes to David, catching a glimpse of his thick black eyelashes and his perfect olive complexion, he heard the metal door open.  
  
“Your highness?” Hans called out as he entered the room. Matteo leaned back in his chair, trying to get as far away from David as possible without getting up. He really, really didn’t want to get up. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Thank goodness I talked to Jonas. Anyways, sorry to interrupt the interrogation, but you and Queen Amira are scheduled to make a public appearance tonight. It’s time to start getting ready.”  
  
“Right, yeah, sorry, I forgot about that,” Matteo said, and then he pulled himself up from the chair, looking back to David, whose eyes were still glued to him, latent with gentle longing. Matteo took a shaky breath, turned away and started walking.  
  
He trudged across the cell, digging the keys out of his pocket as he did, and when he reached the bars, he handed them to Hans. He let Matteo out of the cell and quickly shut the door behind him, locking the cell before putting the keys back on the wall.  
  
As they wordlessly exited the private cell, Matteo looked back at David, but he was just staring straight ahead at where Matteo had been sitting. The sight hurt Matteo’s heart in almost the same way that the loud closing of the metal door hurt his ears.  
  
“You told me you were going to be in the library,” Hans said as they walked through the hallway of the dungeon, passing empty cells.  
  
“Oh, I, uh,” Matteo stuttered, remembering he had to go back to living the lie now. “I finished up there.”  
  
“Okay,” Hans said, indifferently. But as they approached the door out of the dungeon, Hans stopped, and turned around with his hand on the doorknob. “Since when do we interrogate prisoners from inside their cells?”  
  
“I, um—” Matteo stammered. He really didn’t have an answer for that one.  
  
“Never mind,” Hans said, turning back to the door and opening it. “Do what you want, just don’t get killed.”  
  
“I think I can manage that,” Matteo said quietly, the tiniest of smiles on his lips as he followed Hans up the stairs.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next Monday for Chapter 6— There is Depth To The Magical Sparkle In His Eye


	6. There Is Depth To The Magical Sparkle In His Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Welcome back!
> 
> You may have noticed that I’ve updated the chapter count of this fic from 16 to 17. I’ve been hard at work on the last few chapters, and the story ended up needing 17 chapters instead of 16 to be told in completion. So, just one more chapter than excepted! :)
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Happy reading!

By David’s count, it had been nearly 24 hours since Matteo had last been in his cell. 24 hours since Matteo had been pulled away and David had been left to contemplate the reality of what had just occurred between them. Really all David could do in that cell was think, and think he did.   
  
It started with the terrifyingly exhilarating thought, _I think I’m actually falling for the king._   
  
Then, by that night, it had escalated to, _I’m definitely falling for Matteo._  
  
By the middle of the night, on his fourth time waking up, it turned into, _How the fuck did I let myself fall for the fucking king of Florenzia._  
  
By morning, it was, _I need to get the hell out of here._  
  
But by midday, he couldn’t help but think, _I really hope Matteo will come by again. It’s not because I want to see him specifically. I just want to interact with a human._  
  
And finally, in the early afternoon, 24 hours after Matteo had last left him, as David stood, leaning against the wall, it was, _Fuck, I really do want to see Matteo because I want to see Matteo. How the fuck can I miss him so bad? I barely even know him. I really need to get out of here._  
  
That thought was interrupted by the sound of the metal door opening, and David couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he heard the shuffle of feet that he knew belonged to Matteo.   
  
He quickly wiped the smile off his face, though, and replaced it with a devilish smirk as he stepped away from the wall, to the middle of the cell. He wasn’t sure if his smirk was an attempt to prove to himself he wasn’t over the moon to see Matteo again or if it was just so he could play it cool and flirt his way through the impending interaction.   
  
Even with his fast-moving mind, he didn’t have time to figure it out, because as Matteo walked into David’s line of sight, he shook his head ever so slightly and made a face that screamed _no, stop, be careful, we’ve got company._  
  
And sure enough, a few steps behind Matteo was Lieutenant Adamczyk.   
  
David immediately stood taller and dawned a cruel glare.   
  
“David Schreiber,” Lieutenant Adamczyk started, hands behind his back as he stood next to Matteo. “I understand that you have not been very cooperative in your interrogation sessions with King Matteo.”  
  
“And how do you figure that?” David snarled, crossing his arms as he glanced over to Matteo. He looked overwhelmed, pale and almost like he was going to throw up.   
  
“You have had two interrogation sessions and we have nothing of consequence,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. “King Matteo leaves your cell and tells us about how you sit in here and tell him nothing, over and over. Frankly, I don’t know why he puts up with you.”   
  
David knew he could have made a snappy comeback to that. He and Matteo knew why Matteo put up with him; it was getting more and more obvious every time they saw each other, harder and harder for David to ignore, try as he might. But the terrified look in Matteo’s eyes as he stared desperately in David’s direction told David that he couldn’t go there. And David knew that he never would. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Matteo.   
  
“What can I say?” David started, turning his attention back to Lieutenant Adamczyk. “I know what I am doing. Or maybe I am just waiting for an actual sparring partner.”  
  
“Well, you’ve got one today,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, walking closer to the bars. David briefly considered doing the same, but instead, he walked back to take a seat. He propped his feet up on the table arrogantly, and Lieutenant Adamczyk shook his head, already fuming. “I am not walking out of here until you tell me—”  
  
“Do your worst,” David interrupted challengingly.  
  
“Oh, you don’t want that,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. “I could have the torture rack here in—”  
  
“No, I told you, we aren’t doing that,” Matteo cut in, and David looked over to him. He still looked small and scared, but David felt pride swelling in his chest at how Matteo had managed to make his voice heard. It was pride, mixed with a bit of adoration, because, _of course Matteo won’t let them torture me._  
  
“You and your moral code,” Lieutenant Adamczyk mumbled under his breath.   
  
“What was that, Lieutenant?” David asked, looking back to him, eyebrows raised. “Did I catch you disrespecting the king? How dare you.”   
  
“You have no room to talk,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, full volume again.   
  
“Yeah, that’s the fucking point,” David said, rolling his eyes. “Though, I am pretty sure royal advisors are supposed to have moral codes. Do you not?”  
  
“My moral code is to protect the kingdom of Florenzia,” Lieutenant Adamczyk spat aggressively. “Which is why people like you boil my blood to no end. You spend your whole life biting the hand that feeds you. Who would you be without Florenzia? Without the protection of this kingdom’s military forces? Without the light that our kingdom offers to its citizens? You run your mouth and paint your stupid art, and you are so ungrateful.”  
  
“What is there to be grateful for?” David asked, serious. “Your military forces don’t keep us safe. They ruin our lives. And light? I don’t need your fake ass light to see.”   
  
“Nothing about you makes sense! Of course, you need light to see!”  
  
“Not the important things,” David said, feeling so impassioned that he just had to get up and walk closer to his target. “I don’t need light to see acceptance and equality, intelligence and justice, community and love.”   
  
David could feel Matteo’s eyes on him as he walked, but he didn’t dare look over to him. He knew he would lose his edge. He couldn’t be the tough anti-monarchist who could chew out anyone and everyone while he was looking into Matteo’s eyes. For the first time, David felt like maybe that harsh, overly zealous person wasn’t the whole picture. Because he definitely felt like himself when he was with Matteo, it was just a version of himself that David hadn’t let himself see in a very, very long time.  
  
“But you do need light to see the running water that we have provided for you,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, pulling all of David back to attention. “The schools we build for you. The roads we pave and the food we put on your plate.”  
  
“First of all, don’t pretend like you are the ones putting food on my plate,” David said. “I mean, sure, in here you are, but I wouldn’t call that food. But out there, you don’t do shit to feed your people. Don’t even get me started on how the running water trade deal with Yogalla actually harmed the farming villages in this kingdom. It won’t be long before we are facing some kind of famine. Maybe an outbreak that we won’t be able to treat, because god knows we know next to nothing about human health and no one is trying. Maybe if we educated each and every Florenzian, but, oh yeah, we aren’t. Maybe the schools are good in Clarence City, but have you ever even been to a Florenzian village or town? You would be appalled by the destitution that we live in because no one in the monarchy gives a shit about anyone other than themselves.”   
  
“You can’t—”  
  
“Oh, but I can. You see, I know for a fact that the only reason you are the top advisor is because you were an old friend of the former king, may god not rest his wrecked soul.”   
  
“He isn’t dead,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, sounding pleased with himself for correcting David.   
  
“Might as well be. He ran away, left his wife and his son. Sounds pretty dead to me,” David said, glancing over to Matteo. David saw Matteo crack a small smile, and he almost did the same, but he didn’t let himself. “But back to my point, and by the way, don’t interrupt me again,” David said, scowling at Lieutenant Adamczyk. “You’re here because the former king wanted his advisors to be yes men. And you were perfect for the job. Just a useless shell of a man who wanted to please his powerful friend and have a prominent title and make some money to send back to his family. Although, wait a minute, your own daughter couldn’t even bother to stay in Florenzia. The first chance she got, she ran off to Yogalla. God, that must keep you up at night. It’s almost like you’re telling yourself that if you can defend Florenzia and love it with every ounce of your idiotic being, then maybe she’ll realize that there is something special about this place. But really, the only special thing about this place is that it has the highest number of hypocritical, self-centered kiss-asses per capacity of any kingdom under the fucking sun.”   
  
“How dare you,” Lieutenant Adamczyk started slowly, but from the flustered and contorted look on his face, David could tell he didn’t have any punches to pull. “You think you are so smart. You think you know everything.”  
  
“Because I do,” David said haughtily. “I know you are a terrible, terrible person. I know your wife is even more submissive than you are. And I know your precious, one and only daughter couldn’t stand to live with you in your blessed Florenzia. I mean, I’ve only met her a couple of times and I do commend her for getting out of this hell hole, but, really, the apple doesn’t fall far—”  
  
“Don’t you talk about your further queen like that!” Lieutenant Adamczyk shouted, pointing an aggressive finger at David.   
  
There was no way Lieutenant Adamczyk had said that to hurt David, but it didn’t stop David from feeling like he had just been punched in the throat. Somehow his mind was racing and entirely blank. David took a step back, confused, something unsettling rising in his stomach.   
  
“My what?” He asked, staring at Lieutenant Adamczyk as he tried so hard to maintain his image. He could feel Matteo’s eyes on him, and David was afraid to look at him.   
  
“Um, Sara Adamczyk,” Matteo spoke up, and David just closed his eyes, trying to reign his emotions, as he listened to Matteo’s unsteady voice. “Is sort of my top contender for queen right now.”   
  
“And she is my daughter, so don’t you think for a second that I am going to let you smear her name,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, and David opened his eyes, taking a deep breath and pushing aside his heartache. He needed to focus on breaking Lieutenant Adamczyk. That was his job here.   
  
“Okay, then I’ll just stick to smearing your name,” David said, fully back to his cruel self. “I mean, first of all, can we all just acknowledge that you came down here to get information out of me, but you’re the one that told me who the next queen is going to be. That’s probably not information you want someone like me to know, is it? Man, and here I thought you were just a phony, brainwashed yes man. But you really are truly, truly stupid. Next time I vandalize an advisors’ family home, I’ll be sure to pick yours.”   
  
David only stopped because Lieutenant Adamczyk let out an angry groan, and yelled “You are the worst person I have ever met! I can’t stand this anymore!” He then promptly turned around and stormed out of the room. He didn’t even seem to notice that Matteo was still standing there, not moving to follow him.  
  
But David knew he was there. He was there, quietly breathing, and stuck in the corner of David’s eye. David wanted to look at him, but he just couldn’t.   
  
As the metal door slammed shut, David turned away. He let out a long, loud sigh, and ran his hands over his face. He tried to cool down, but he still felt that burning anger in his stomach, and his mind was overflowing with thoughts. Some were still nasty thoughts about Lieutenant Adamczyk, but he dismissed those quickly; he wasn’t worthy of space in David’s head.   
  
He couldn’t as easily dismiss the thoughts of Sara. He didn’t know her well— she was just a friend of a friend— but the thought of her being the one Matteo was a few more layers of self-deception away from marrying sent a dagger through his heart. He tried to tell himself that he wasn’t so deeply affected by the thought, but he really couldn’t lie to himself anymore. It hurt and he hated the pain.  
  
But it was what he hated the most that took up the majority of his thoughts. David hated that Matteo had just seen that— the display of hatred and ruthlessness and cruelty, the fighting fire with vengeful fire. He didn’t want Matteo to see him like that. Maybe it was because Matteo was so gentle and kind, so the opposite of the person that David was in those moments. Or maybe it was the new feeling that the person he was in those moments wasn’t really who he was. For the first time, it felt like just a piece of him, not his whole self. He didn’t hate that he knew how to tap into that side of him, but he almost found himself wishing that he didn’t have to, at least not all the time. Especially not with Matteo standing there behind him, making him feel things he had never known he wanted to feel, but now couldn’t imagine not feeling. He feared, though, that he had messed it up, letting that darkness take over him in front of the brightest person he knew.  
  
But then, David heard the rattle of keys and turned back around to see Matteo once again opening the cell door. The sight of him stepping into the cell and locking the door behind him was just what David needed to see. He let out a sigh of relief and could feel his fury start to melt away. _He isn’t afraid of me. Still._  
  
“Did you really vandalize one of the advisor’s houses?” Matteo asked, turning around to look at David as he stood near the back wall.  
  
“Don’t pretend like you care about my crimes against the kingdom,” David said, and it came out more aggressively than he wanted it to, a little bit of leftover anger still festering. Even with Matteo there, it took time to get the rage fully out of his system.  
  
Matteo, though, didn’t look too affected by it, as he sat down at the table, quiet as he watched David watching him. David couldn’t take his eyes off of Matteo. He didn’t want to. Matteo still looked a little shaken, very pensive and way too handsome for his own good. He wasn’t wearing his crown again.   
  
After a few moments of silence, Matteo spoke again in what David had come to know as his normal voice. It was like nothing had happened. “You’re right. I don’t care about your crimes. But, can I ask one question about the act of treason that got you here, though?”  
  
“You can ask me anything,” David said, taking a seat opposite Matteo. “I thought we made that clear last time.”   
  
“Yeah, I guess we did,” Matteo said, looking down and smiling softly. David just stared at him with a smile of his own. He too was starting to feel like nothing had happened. _The Matteo effect_ , he figured.  
  
“What do you want to know?” David asked, leaning back in his chair, satisfied.  
  
“How did you do it?” Matteo asked, looking back up. “I didn’t get to see it, but they told me it was this huge mural, way too large and elaborate for just one person to do. So how?”   
  
“Well, I am a talented artist,” David said smoothly.   
  
“Seriously, David,” Matteo said, carefree from the smile on his lips. “This has nothing to do with the interrogation, you know that. I am just curious. Did you have help? I won’t tell anyone if you did.”  
  
“No, I didn’t have help. Not from people anyway,” David said, to the side, thinking for a moment about that night and the choice he had in front of him. “Can I trust you?” He asked, looking right into Matteo’s eyes.   
  
“Can you trust the king who is the symbol of everything you stand against?” Matteo quipped back in no time, his dorky smile lighting up the room.   
  
“Shut up,” David said, shaking his head affectionately. “Do you want to know or not?”  
  
— — —  
  
“I do,” Matteo said, hushed, and he really, really meant it. It felt like his whole life was centered around peeling back all of David’s layers. He wanted so badly to hear the words he could tell were on the tip of David’s tongue.   
  
David leaned forward in his chair, glancing around the room as if he was making sure they were really alone, and then looked back to Matteo, his eyes sparkling with excitement. To Matteo, nothing else existed.   
  
“My godmother,” David said with restrained enthusiasm. “She has magic.”  
  
“Magic? Did you just say magic?” Matteo asked, eyes widening. David nodded, smiling slyly, holding back his satisfaction. David was getting a kick out of this, and Matteo couldn’t even be bothered by it. It was too endearing and he was also too busy processing the fact that David was telling him that magic was real.   
  
“Yeah, it runs in her family,” David said nonchalantly, and continued on like it wasn’t the absolutely coolest thing in the world. “And my mother’s family actually. That’s how they met, became best friends. They both had magic in their families, the kind where all the women in the bloodline have the power to possess it if they work on getting in touch with it. And my godmother is extremely, extremely in touch with it. She can pretty much do anything she wants with it. She’s done everything she could to help my sister and I, within reason of course. A few years ago, she put a spell on my paint set. Now I have a spiritual connection to the paints. Well, more the brushes than the paints really. It’s basically like they know exactly what I want to paint, and even though I am still the one doing the work, the brushes and paints are able to help the process move along faster. All I really have to do is know exactly what my vision is, and the brushes and paints will help me make it a reality.”  
  
“Whoa,” Matteo let out involuntarily. He hated to interrupt David— he could have sat there listening to David all day— but he just couldn’t get over how life-changing it was to hear that magic was real.   
  
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Having a godmother with magic is pretty nice,” David said, leaning back in his chair again. For a moment, he looked pleased with himself, but Matteo noticed a shift in him. Matteo almost asked him what was wrong, what was bringing that contemplative look to his face. But he just waited, and finally, David spoke again, voice no longer dripping in satisfaction, but in vulnerability. “Actually, her magic is how I’ve been able to transition. I told her I was a boy when I was 12. And ever since then, she’s been helping me. I mean there are things I could have done on my own, but I never would have gotten to the point I am at without her. I never would have been as happy and as comfortable without her magic. We take things slow, just one thing at a time so it’s not overwhelming, but even taking it slow has been so freeing, so life-giving, so…”   
  
David trailed off as he sat searching for the right word, eyes wandering, and Matteo couldn’t help himself. “Magical?” he asked a bit cheekily, smiling big.  
  
“Well, yes, of course,” David said fondly, tilting his head to the side and looking directly at Matteo.   
  
With David’s eyes firmly on his and his words starting to really settle in his mind, Matteo was overtaken with way too many emotions for him to process. Matteo felt a warmth in his heart that consisted of so many precious feelings. There was a hint of affection and a dash of infatuation, but mostly he felt real and valuable and electric. And honored. He felt honored to be the audience of David’s vulnerability.  
  
“I, you, um,” Matteo started, leaning over onto the table, wanting so bad to portray how he was feeling to David. He didn’t really know how, but he knew he had to try. “I am really, really happy that you’re happy. You, um, you deserve to be really happy.”   
  
David looked speechless, not moving his eyes away one bit. Matteo hoped that David was feeling the respect and adoration radiating off of Matteo. He hoped that he was feeling seen, the kind of seen you don’t need lights for.   
  
“Thanks,” David finally whispered.   
  
“Yeah, but, I mean, wow,” Matteo said, louder again. He didn’t want to break the moment, but he hoped he was right in picking up on the fact that David didn’t want to dwell where they had just been. “I didn’t even know magic was real.”   
  
“Oh, it’s certainly real,” David said, shifting his tone to follow Matteo with no problem. “There’s a lot to learn about the world on the other side of the castle walls.”   
  
“Yeah, I mean, I was always just taught it was a myth. I think that’s what people were taught at the academy too,” Matteo said, thinking back over all the years. “Yeah, they just told us not to believe whatever we heard.”  
  
“But you believe me?” David asked.   
  
“Well, yeah,” Matteo said, forgetting that it was an admission of some kind. “So, does everyone out there in the real world know that magic exists?”  
  
“No, not really,” David said. “Some people do, but it is mostly just the people who have magic, their families and sometimes friends. Most people think it is a myth, too. But I have a feeling there are different myths in different circles.”   
  
“What do you mean?” Matteo asked.  
  
“Have you ever heard the Myth of Greta Long?” David asked. Matteo shook his head no and listened as David told him the story. “Legend has it that King Clarence the Great wasn’t actually the one who figured out how to create artificial light. It was this woman with magic, Greta Long, who he was having an affair of sorts with. When he found out she had the power to harness the sun, he forced her to use her magic to create artificial light so that he could conquer the land and become king. Some people even say that he forced her to become immortal and she is locked away somewhere in Florenzia, keeping the lights on.”   
  
“Wow,” Matteo said, trying to take in the fact that the foundation of his family’s reign might have been dependent on magic. Magic and abuse. Not that he was surprised. “I’ve never heard that in my life.”   
  
“Not surprising,” David said, leaning back in his chair again. Looking at him in that moment, Matteo was suddenly struck by how different David’s life had been from his. He knew that, of course, but something about realizing that they grew up hearing different stories about the universe made it all too evident.   
  
Matteo slouched in his chair, thinking and processing, before he asked, “Do you think it’s true?”   
  
“I mean, I don’t know if I believe Greta Long is still alive today,” David started. “But how else would have King Clearance been able to make artificial light?”   
  
“Yeah, I guess so,” Matteo said, feeling a little stupid for having never had even questioned how his great, great grandfather had developed the light that he founded their kingdom on.   
  
Just when Matteo was about to dive into that ugly place of self-hatred, David swooped in to pick him back up.   
  
“So, what myths did you hear about magic if not that one?” He asked, earnestly.   
  
“Oh, well, I mean,” Matteo said, sitting up straighter in his chair. “Honestly nothing specific. Just like, sometimes I would hear someone mention it, and then the adult in the room would just tell me that magic isn’t real, but also that it’s dangerous, which actually now that I am thinking about it, makes literally no sense.”  
  
“Looks like I’m not the only one calling out royal hypocrisy these days,” David said, with a flirty smile.   
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said, flitting his eyes down at his lap where his left hand was actively picking at a loose thread on the hem of his shirt. “But, actually, though, I have a question, because like, I know your godmother uses it for good, but, is it, you know?” Matteo asked, but when David didn’t respond, he found it within himself to really ask the question. “Is magic dangerous?   
  
David smiled a little, before smartly answering, “Anything is dangerous in the wrong hands.”  
  
“Like the crown?” Matteo asked, happy and engaged, but his mood fell a bit when he saw David shift his eyes away in some kind of frustration or disappointment.   
  
“We don’t have to do this, Matteo,” David said, but he was looking at the wall.  
  
“No, David, I’m really asking,” Matteo said, scooting closer to the table, staring at David. “I want to hear your opinion. I mean, I know I’ve heard it before, but I, um, I like talking to you about this stuff.”   
  
“Okay,” David said, and Matteo could sense a bit of hesitation in his voice. “If you are sure you don’t mind anti-monarchy David.”   
  
“I don’t,” Matteo said breathlessly, and he had to stop himself from saying _I don’t mind any David_ , because he just wasn’t quite ready to go there yet. “So, um, is magic like the crown? Dangerous in the wrong hands?”  
  
“No,” David said, turning his full attention back to Matteo. “Because the crown isn’t good in anyone’s hands.”   
  
“Not even mine?” Matteo asked, a bit playfully.   
  
“Well,” David said. “You would be the first person to say your fucking this whole king thing up.”  
  
“Okay, so maybe not me,” Matteo said, rolling his eyes. “But someone who is kind and cares about his people—”  
  
“So exactly you?” David said, and Matteo’s eye’s snapped back to David, who was leaning forward on the table again, chin resting in his hand as he gazed at Matteo. It was overwhelming, and Matteo definitely felt thrown off as his cheeks began to burn and he tried to continue speaking  
  
“You didn’t let me finish,” he said. “Someone who is kind and caring, and knows how to get stuff done and be a leader in a way that doesn’t corrupt him or scare him away or make him feel powerless. I refuse to believe that the throne is always evil. There are good people.”  
  
“Exactly, people,” David said, sitting back up as his passion leaked out. “This isn’t a one-person job.”  
  
“Then why do you think I’m trying to find a queen?” Matteo quipped back without much thought. As soon as the word “queen” left his mouth, he regretted it. The flash of doubt and frustration, and maybe even anger and disgust, that appeared on David’s face was brief, but Matteo didn’t miss the way David shifted in his seat, looked to the wall and took a few more seconds than normal to respond.   
  
“It’s not a two-person job either,” David said, forcefully, looking back to Matteo. “We should all have a say in what goes on in our kingdom. All of us— the people everyone thinks are ‘good’ and the people that everyone thinks are ‘bad’ because people are more complex than that. And morals aside, everyone matters. Everyone has a place. Everyone has a voice. And the monarchy silences those voices. So, we have to take our rights back. We have to do whatever we can to speak up, to stand up, so that our children and our children’s children won’t have to fight. We will have a society where every person is valued and listened to. Our kingdom will be fair and just and prosperous and people will like living their life here. People will be happy. Don’t you want people to be happy?”   
  
David finished, but Matteo didn’t respond. He was too deep in thought, taking in every word.   
  
David was right, just like he always was. The monarchy was unjust— it took people’s liberties away, it hurt people, it broke families apart. It marginalized people who were different— people like David, people like Matteo’s mother, people like Matteo.  
  
Matteo knew he was different. He knew he was gay. He had known it for years. And he had always known that it wasn’t okay. He had been taught that harmful lesson from the monarchy itself— his family, his ancestors, his advisors, the whole system that placed a select few at the top above everyone else. It was the people at the top who had decided long ago that being gay was wrong for no reason other than hatred of anything that was different.  
  
And it was those same people who had decided that if you couldn’t sleep at night until all you could do was sleep, then there was something wrong with you. If you thought the world was going to crumble around you from one wrong move, then you didn’t deserve to live in the world. If you felt like there was this deep, unnamable sadness and brokenness coming from within you, then you were doomed to be swallowed whole. And if you were doomed to be swallowed whole, then, goddamn, you aren’t meant for the crown.   
  
It was his mother’s story. And despite all his efforts to ignore it, Matteo knew it was his story too.   
  
“Matteo?” David asked softly and carefully, pulling Matteo from his thoughts.   
  
Matteo didn’t look up from his lap. He couldn’t. He just wanted to transplant all his thoughts into David’s brain so he could understand exactly what was going on. David saw him more than anyone, but there was still more for David to see. He wanted him to see it, so, did his best to speak his truth and answer David’s question. _“Don’t you want people to be happy?”_   
  
Matteo opened his mouth, and after a few moments of the words turning over and over and over in his head until they didn’t feel like words anymore and his mouth didn’t feel capable of speaking, he finally spoke, quiet and raspy.   
  
“I want to be happy.”   
  
— — —  
  
Matteo’s statement pierced deep into David. It was his words, the way his voice sounded so broken and scared, his sad, averted eyes. It felt like a stabbing and aching pain all over his body.  
  
But the pain in his head wasn’t from Matteo’s statement. It was the beginning of a pain that David knew well. Just as his mind caught up to the pain, he heard Laura’s voice.   
  
“David, I’m here now. I’ve been trying all afternoon, so I think my magic may be a bit more aggressive than normal. I’m sorry for the pain. I just wanted to check on you. Are you there?”  
  
David brought a hand to his head, as it throbbed with every word Laura spoke. He tried to avoid squinting his eyes shut, but he knew he was failing.   
  
He didn’t want this moment to be gone, the moment where David could feel Matteo on the verge of opening up deeper than ever before. He didn’t want to lose that moment, because he didn’t know if he would ever get it back.  
  
But it was gone.   
  
“David, are you okay?” Matteo asked, worried confusion in his voice. Out of his half-closed eyes, David could make out a blurry Matteo leaning over the table, trying to get closer.   
  
“David? Are you there?” Laura asked again, but he didn’t respond. He had to speak out loud for Laura to be able to hear him, and he was still trying to salvage the moment, even though he knew it was over. _You also don’t want Matteo to see you in pain, you know that, right? Or to know too much about your life? You can fall for him all you want, but you do know you still have walls up, right?_  
  
David lifted his other hand to his head, his eyes shutting closed and he began to feel a little nauseous. He was being pulled in a million directions— Matteo sitting with him, Laura communicating with him, his own derogatory voice in his head— and the only thing he wanted to do was get away.  
  
He stood up, his chair falling backwards to the ground from the sheer force of his motion and the carelessness he had no choice but to exhibit. He turned, stumbling slowly across the cell, until he reached the corner.  
  
“David, please,” Laura said. “You’re scaring me.”  
  
His ears were ringing, but after Laura finished speaking, he could hear Matteo’s chair slide across the floor and his feet hesitantly walking towards him.   
  
David stepped closer to the wall in front of him, and he had to hope that Matteo wouldn’t get too close and that he could whisper quietly enough.   
  
“Laura, I’m here.”   
  
“Oh, thank god,” Laura said, relieved.   
  
“I’m sorry, I’m just, a little, um, busy at the moment,” David said, choosing his words carefully.   
  
“Busy? In the dungeon?” Laura asked. “Wait, are they interrogating you right now?”   
  
“No,” David said quickly, but then he remembered he had to lie about his time with Matteo. “No, I mean, yes, that’s what’s happening.”  
  
“I’ll be quick, then,” Laura said. “If you have changed your mind, I can still use my magic to help you escape.”  
  
“I, um,” David said, mind flashing back to how just that morning he had paced across the cell thinking _“I need to get the hell out of here.”_ But now, with Matteo standing just a few feet behind him, he couldn’t even consider leaving. “No, I want to stay, Laura.”  
  
“David,” Laura said, pained.   
  
“Please,” David begged, pressing his forehead against the wall in front of him, too dizzy to stand up on his own.   
  
“Okay. I love you. Stay safe,” Laura said protectively, and then she was gone.   
  
David pressed his still aching head harder against the wall, gasping for a breath and letting it out slowly. He knew he was going to have to explain this to Matteo, and he just wanted one moment to collect himself, to figure out what he was supposed to say. Ultimately, in his state, he decided that simple and honest was probably best, even though it went against so much of David’s being.   
  
He turned around, and saw Matteo at a considerable distance, standing cautious and concerned with his mouth agape and his skin pale.   
  
“Sorry about that,” David said, trying to sound at least a little suave, as he took a few shaking steps away from the wall.   
  
“Are you okay? What just happened?” Matteo asked, stepping a little closer to David.   
  
“So, you know how there’s magic in my family?” David asked, his eyes closing again, and one hand rising back up to his head. “Well, my sister, Laura, sometimes uses her telepathic magic to communicate with me. And if you aren’t used to it, uh...” David trailed off, losing his breath and feeling his legs weaken beneath him.   
  
“Hey, whoa,” Matteo said, as David felt Matteo’s hand grabbing onto his shoulder, steadying him. As if the effects of Laura’s magic weren’t enough, the blissful feeling of Matteo finally touching him for the first time radiated through his whole body.   
  
“It can be extremely taxing on your body,” David finished with a little smile, opening his eyes to see Matteo standing right in front of him.   
  
“I can see that,” Matteo said, voice low and sincere. He moved his hand off David’s shoulder and ran his hand down David’s arm, soft and slow. David watched Matteo’s face carefully as Matteo stared at his own hand as it grazed across the fabric of David’s sweater. He was just as infatuated with the moment as David was. When Matteo reached David’s wrist, fingers on skin, David took in a sharp breath. Not startled by the sound of breath that echoed between them, Matteo’s hand reached David’s hand. He stopped there, lightly holding on to David’s fingers as he said, “I’ll let you have some space to rest.”   
  
Matteo looked back up to David, and they shared one last longing moment before Matteo’s hand slipped off David’s as he took a step backwards. David’s hand chased after Matteo's, rising from his side before falling back. David closed his eyes, overwhelmed by so much more than he ever thought possible.   
  
He didn’t see Matteo leave, and he didn’t hear him either, because Matteo had closed both doors as gently and quietly as humanly possible. When David opened his eyes, he took in the sight of his empty cell as his head throbbed with a dull ache. He hated to see Matteo gone, but he knew he would come back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next Monday for Chapter 7— Flashes of Moonlight
> 
> (ps. Next week’s chapter is kind of heavy because it deals with mental illness, Matteo and his mother. There is a slight allusion to self-harm, so please do whatever you need to prepare yourself for that chapter and if that means not reading next week, of course, please do what is best your well-being. You can absolutely reach out to me with questions or just to talk about this. Much love to you all!)
> 
> **EDIT 3/16/20  
> Chapter 7 won't be out today thanks to the lovely, lovely coronavirus. More info and some consolation material on my Tumblr:  
> https://gleedegrassi-bigfan.tumblr.com/post/612761937194975232/light-shines-eternal


	7. Flashes of Moonlight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> Chapter 7 is finally here! Sorry for the two-day delay, but we all know how disruptive this coronavirus stuff can be. But, I think that things have settled down for me, so hopefully, we can get back on track now. I hope you are all doing okay in this tough time; I’m always here if you need someone to talk to! :)
> 
> Please remember that this chapter is on the heavier side because it deals explicitly with mental illness and there is a slight allusion to self-harm. Take care and do what is best for your well-being. Love you all!
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> But I will say! If you haven’t been listening to the playlist, that’s more than fine, but this is the one chapter that I would really suggest taking a look. This chapter features an actual song, and it is on the playlist. It’s called “Find The Light” by David Ramirez if you’d like to take a listen. 
> 
> Okay, that’s all from me! Happy reading!

Matteo’s mother lived in what used to be the Florenzi family winter home.   
  
As a child, Matteo would go there with his parents every winter for a few weeks to get away from the hustle and bustle of life at the palace. It was a perfect place to go, secluded in a wooded area far from any towns and villages. It was beautiful in the snow, white covering the grass and trees, snowflakes falling on tongues and cold winds whispering through hair. The house itself was wonderful, similar to the castle, but with a homier feel. It was big enough that staying there was still comfortable and luxurious, but small enough that you actually had to spend time with the other people there, something that wasn’t always the case in the palace. Matteo cherished his memories of sitting in front of the fireplace in his mother’s arms, his father tending to the fire while he told old family stories almost as much as he treasured the memories of being put to bed with forehead kisses and lullabies, then sneaking out of bed to sit atop the stairs to watch his parents slow dance in the living room to his mother’s humming.   
  
That was long ago, back when it wasn’t impossible to make good memories with his family. Now, all his sentimental memories of that winter home he used to love so dearly were oversaturated in sadness and remorse.  
  
It had made a perfect winter home, but it also made a perfect secret hideaway, a safe house, an institution of sorts.   
  
Matteo could still hear his father yelling, “You have to get her out of Clarence City! We can’t have people seeing her like this!” and Lieutenant Adamczyk responding “Let’s take her to the winter home in the Evendale Woods. None of the commoners even know it exists.”  
  
He hadn’t seen his mother since the day that royal guards carried her out to a carriage in the middle of the night, screaming and crying out with energy that everyone thought had long escaped her.   
  
Matteo much preferred the days of sneaking out of bed to watch his parents dance over sneaking out of bed to watch his mother be taken away from her life, her family, and her home against her will.   
  
Three days after his mother had been sent away, he woke up to find out that his father had left in the night on his own accord. The part of him that still believed in love and had a childlike hope had wondered if his father had felt guilty, and was going to go get her to bring her back. Or maybe he was leaving to go live with her there at the winter home.   
  
But that part of Matteo had been shrinking for years, and it died that day when Lieutenant Adamczyk explained that his father had left because he didn’t want the kingdom to know his marriage had fallen apart, people were already starting to wonder where the queen was, and he didn’t want to have to give them an answer.   
  
“It’s noble of him to step away when he knows he can’t be the king that Florenzia needs,” Lieutenant Adamczyk had told him while Matteo just sat on his bed, not bothering to wipe away the hot tears that ran down his cheeks when it hit him— his parents were gone.   
  
Matteo had no hope that he would ever see his father again— even Lieutenant Adamczyk didn’t know where he was, though he somehow knew he was alive, somewhere out there— not that Matteo minded the thought of living the rest of his life without his father.  
  
His mother, on the other hand, he didn’t want to live without her. He didn’t know how to live with her, though. She had been torn away from him that night, but even though she put up a good fight, he had been losing her for years to something that no one had a name for, and Matteo was lost as to how to carry on. It wasn’t easy to ignore the letters she often sent him from the winter home, but it was easier than going there. But he knew he wanted to go eventually, and that if he was ever going to do it, he would just have to find the strength within him to do it.  
  
There was something brewing inside him the evening after he left David alone to recover from Laura’s magic. As he walked through the palace on the way to dinner, he realized that whatever it was inside him was telling him that he was stronger than ever. Maybe not strong enough to handle visiting his mom, but he couldn’t ignore the fire burning in his stomach. It was the first time that he had felt the pull to go, and he couldn’t risk ignoring it and never feeling that empowered again.  
  
_It’s David, isn’t it? He’s making me feel powerful._  
  
Matteo smiled shyly to himself as he ran his hand along the wall, and turned into the lavish dining room where a collection of friends and advisors were sitting down to eat. He stood tall in the entryway, ready to show his power.  
  
“Hey, everyone,” Matteo said, and they all looked over to him. “Is it too late to get things together for me to go visit my mom tomorrow?”  
  
“What?” Jonas asked, nearly dropping his fork.   
  
“She has been sending me letters, asking me to come visit her,” Matteo said, putting his hands in his pockets, trying not to shrink back too much. “And I know I always say I’m not ready to, but I think now is a good time.”   
  
“Okay, I mean, it’s great that you want to see her,” Jonas said, a little dubious. “But what makes now a good time? What’s changed?”  
  
“I just, um,” Matteo stuttered, knowing he couldn’t tell them the full truth. There was a little piece of him that wanted to though, so he did his best. “I guess I’ve just been feeling pretty good lately. Sort of, well, electric.”  
  
As he scanned the quiet room, he noticed Amira smiling knowingly. “I think it’s a great idea for you to go see your mother,” she said, friendly pride evident in her voice.  
  
“Thanks,” Matteo said to her, then looked over to Lieutenant Adamczyk who had been quiet the whole time. “So, is it too last minute? Or can I go?”  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk thought for a moment, then said, “We will have a carriage ready for you first thing tomorrow.”  
  
And they did. Before the sun even rose, Matteo was stepping into a carriage, Lieutenant Adamczyk and Hans already sitting inside as royal guards waited on horseback all around them.   
  
“Are you sure you don’t want any of your friends to come with you?” Hans asked as a guard shut the door behind Matteo.   
  
“Amira is busy with queen stuff,” Matteo said. “And Jonas and Hanna have had dinner with her family on the books for weeks. I’ll be fine.”  
  
But as the carriage drove away from the castle and Matteo pushed his head against the velvet wall behind him, he started to wonder if he really would be.   
  
It only took a few hours to drive out to the Evendale woods, and it was a lot faster than Matteo remembered it being. _I guess it’s an easier drive when there is no snow on the ground._  
  
They pulled up to the home, and Matteo was flooded with memories of moments just like this, seeing the house appearing between the trees and then coming into full view as he stepped out of the carriage. This time, though, Matteo felt hollow inside as he saw the light grey roof of the house. He hadn’t even known it was light grey. It had always just been snow in his mind.   
  
Matteo’s mind had a way of failing him like that. Sometimes he blocked out entire memories, repressing the dark childhood moments that he had tried desperately to ignore even in the moment. But for other moments, his memories would cement perfectly in his head, irrepressible as they played over and over in his head at night.  
  
But, really, so many of his memories were half-baked thoughts with mistakes thrown in just to make Matteo feel a little crazy and on edge. Sometimes, Matteo felt like his whole life was half real and half a broken figment of his imagination. It wasn’t that he felt like he was remembering things that never happened. It was just that his mind only held scattered bits and pieces of whole days, and when he tried to fill in the gaps, it felt fake and flat, like thinking that the roof of his winter home had been made of snow. He knew it wasn’t true, but that was the only thing he could cling to, and he hated it.  
  
The day with his mother was like that. Surely Matteo was present for every moment, but perhaps he wasn’t, because by the time that Mateo got back in the carriage, too numb to cry the tears that he knew were building up, his memories of the day were already blotchy, flashing moments circling in his mind, the full story nowhere to be seen.  
  
The exchange that kept playing over and over in his head must have been deep into the afternoon because Matteo and his mother were already sitting on the couch in the living room, his advisors and her attendants dispersed throughout other parts of the house to give them privacy.  
  
“How is being king, my beautiful boy?” his mother had asked, crossing her legs and patting his knee with one hand while the other clutched a mug of hot cocoa.  
  
Matteo looked down at the hand on his knee, biting his lip as he thought for a moment, before saying “It’s hard,” with more bitterness than he expected from himself.  
  
“What do you mean?” she asked, carefully, sounding genuinely surprised that Matteo wasn’t finding his kingship easy.  
  
“It’s hard, Mama,” Matteo said again, trying to soften his voice, but it still sounded rough and maybe a bit angry. “I’m all alone there in the palace.”  
  
“I thought you told me that Jonas moved in? And that Amira is visiting and that Hanna is always around,” his mother said. “And Hans is so nice, and Lieutenant Adamczyk—”  
  
“Oh, the guy who let dad start an unnecessary war and who convinced dad to send you here? Yeah, he’s great company,” Matteo snarled, not even realizing what he was saying or doing until he felt his mother’s hand recoil off his knee. “Shit, I’m sorry,” Matteo said, leaning forward, putting his elbows on his knees and running his hands across his face. He reveled in the pressure against his skin and cheekbones.  
  
“Hans told me you’re courting this lovely young lady,” his mother said, carrying on like nothing had happened. “You’re going to have a queen soon. How wonderful will that be?”  
  
“I don’t want a queen, Mama,” Matteo whispered, shutting his eyes and clenching his jaw as he moved his hands from his face. He wanted to tell her, he really did. But he didn’t want to make this day any harder than it already was. He didn’t want to run the risk of making her hate him the way he had always feared. And even if he wasn’t afraid, he had no idea how to explain any of what had been going on in his head to her.  
  
So, he didn’t come out to her, and the memory faded away after that.  
  
As he sat with his head pressed against the velvet walls of the carriage, the replays of that moment were interrupted with other memories from the day, each more fragmented than the last.  
  
“Do you want hot cocoa?” his mother had asked, as they entered the kitchen and ended the tour she had insisted on taking him on even though Matteo had been there countless times. “We used to have that here when you were a kid, do you remember? We would sit by the fire and sing and tell stories and drink hot cocoa. And there was the one year where you spilled it on your lap and you cried for hours until I was finally able to get you to sleep that night. Do you remember that?”  
  
“Um, no,” Matteo lied, trailing his hand across the kitchen counter as he tried to push that painful memory away.   
  
“Oh, well, you were young,” his mom said. “I can have Helga make us some. Where is she?”  
  
Matteo hadn’t taken a single sip of his hot cocoa, even though it was a bit cold in the house, as his mother had explained at the start of their time together.   
  
“Matteo, my beautiful boy!” his mother had said, coming down from the stairs as Matteo, Hans and Lieutenant Adamczyk stood in the entryway. “I didn’t know you were coming today! It is so good to see you!”  
  
Matteo wanted to step closer to his mother, but he was frozen there by the door. He waited for her to come to him, pulling him into a deep hug as soon as she reached him. He fell into her embrace, letting her hold him tight like she always did. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and took in a deep breath. She smelled the same as she always did.  
  
“Hi, Mama,” he mumbled into her shoulder, starting to feel a bit tearful at how good it felt to be with his mother again in the comfort of her arms. He didn’t feel any tears fall, though.  
  
“Oh, my son,” she said, pulling back from the hug so she could look him in the eyes. “I am so glad you are here. I am sorry it is so cold in here, though. The draft in the woods is strong, and they don’t let me light fires anymore.”  
  
Hearing her say that brought back a memory Matteo barely possessed— a faint image of his mother with her hand a few inches from an open flame a week or so before they sent her away.  
  
Matteo had shuddered in his mother’s embrace at the memory and shuddered just the same as he sat in the carriage, remembering it again. He tried to conjure up good memories from the day, but he could only find one, and even it was laced in sadness.  
  
“Do you still play?” Matteo had asked his mother, staring across the living room at the grand piano in the corner. She turned her head around to look at it and then turned back to Matteo.  
  
“No, my memory isn’t what it used to be,” she answered a bit remorsefully, and Matteo’s stomach turned. _Neither is mine._ “But I still sing sometimes. I wish I could do it more, but I have no one to sing to.”  
  
“I’m here, you can sing to me,” Matteo said, getting up to move closer to her on the couch.  
  
“Do you have any requests?” she asked, placing her hand over top of his.  
  
“What was that lullaby you used to sing to me?” Matteo asked. “The one you would only sing after nothing else worked and I wouldn’t stop crying?”  
  
Matteo’s mother smiled knowingly and began to sing, the distantly familiar melody coming back to Matteo in an instant as he stared down at their hands. Listening to his mother singing those precious words, he was transported to his bedroom many years ago; difficult night after difficult night, his mother singing this very song to him, running her hand through his hair as he finally wore himself out from crying too hard and let her loving voice wash over him, sending him to sleep.  


  
I wish upon you peace  
I wish upon you grace  
I wish for less of what you want  
And more of what you need  
  
I wish upon you an old light  
With a heart that stays young  
But most of all I wish upon you love  
  
I wish upon you truth  
When all you feel is doubt  
I wish upon you a brave heart  
that will always rise above  
But most of all I wish upon you love  
  
As the sun sets, well  
the moon begins to rise  
So even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
You'll find the light  
You'll find the light  
Yes, even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
Yes, as the sun sets, well,  
the moon begins to rise  
So even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
You'll find the light  
You'll find the light  
Oh, now even in the darkness  
you'll find the light.  


  
When she finished the song, a brief silence fell between them, and Matteo’s mind came back down to earth, his eyes focusing again on the hands between them.  
  
“It was one of my favorites, but I only sang it when I knew you really needed it,” she said, and Matteo could feel himself on the verge of tears. His mother lifted her hand from his, and she scooted closer to him. She put an arm around him, drawing his head on to her shoulder. She held him tightly, and Matteo was so close to letting everything out, but he held back, trying to be strong for her. “Oh, Matteo, it was such a pleasure being your mother.”  
  
“Really?” Matteo asked in disbelief.  
  
“Of course. You were such a blessing in my life,” she said tenderly. “I loved holding you, taking care of you, making sure there was a smile on your face. Doing everything I could to soothe you when the world was just too much. I wanted you to have everything you deserved.”  
  
“You were the perfect mom,” Matteo said softly, voice cracking a bit into her shoulder.  
  
Matteo’s heart broke, thinking back on the moment. They had both used past tense. And neither of them had stopped the other. Matteo hadn’t even noticed until hours later, the sun gone from the sky, as they entered Clarence City in the darkness of late night.  
  
Matteo didn’t want it to be past tense, but he didn’t know how it could be anything else.  
  
He wanted to cry so bad, but he didn’t know if he would ever be able to feel safe enough to cry out the cathartic tears that had been welling within him for three months. He hadn’t cried since the day Lieutenant Adamczyk had told him his father had run away.  
  
“We are here, your highness.” Matteo heard a voice say. He wasn’t sure if it was Lieutenant Adamczyk or Hans, but he didn’t care.  
  
Matteo had no idea how late it was as he silently exited the carriage. He thought about asking, but as he entered the palace, he noticed both Lieutenant Adamczyk and Hans were trailing behind, giving him space. Matteo was a little glad they weren’t bothering him, but another piece of him desperately wanted someone to ask how he was feeling and understand how screwed up inside he felt.   
  
Which is maybe why instead of waking Amira or sending for someone to bring Jonas back, Matteo lazily walked around the quiet, dim palace until he found himself holding his mother’s antiquated lantern as he stood in front of the door to the dungeon.   
  
— — —  
  
David had felt so certain that Matteo was going to come back, but more than a day had gone by, and David couldn’t help but feel a bit scared. Maybe Matteo really was put off by him, maybe he really was imagining things, maybe the magic had been too much, maybe, maybe, maybe.   
  
David really wasn’t an anxious worrier, that wasn’t how he thought he operated. But with Matteo, he just wanted to be near him so bad that his self-conventions were thrown out the window.   
  
He still felt a little crazy for being so hung up on Matteo, on the king of Florenzia, especially in the moments he was alone without Matteo there to remind him how good it felt to be with him.   
  
But all he had to do was close his eyes and remember the way Matteo’s hand had run down his arm, the way his fingers had feathered across his palm, and he didn’t feel crazy anymore. He was able to push back the fears and the walls and think about how he was going to make Matteo his. His mind had walked him through a million scenarios, a million possible roads David could have taken to get what he was finally admitting to himself that he wanted.   
  
So, when he heard the metal door opening late, late that night, David sprung up from the ground he had been sleeplessly lying on, ready to be firm and strong, and maneuvered his way to Matteo. He was ready to do whatever it took, and he wasn’t going to let that terrible, nasty voice in his head get in the way.   
  
Standing towards the front of the cell, David watched as Matteo automatically and wordlessly grabbed the keys and unlocked the cell door, a natural rhythm that they had developed. David didn’t even bother saying hello, just cutting straight to the chase once Matteo had closed the cell door.   
  
“I want to ask you questions this time,” David said as Matteo turned around to face him, just a foot or so away. He looked a little more tired than usual, maybe like something was wrong, so David added a question in an attempt to be gentle while still maintaining his assertive tone. “Can I do that?   
  
“Oh, sure,” Matteo said, his voice a little hoarse.  
  
“Good,” David said, as Matteo walked past him, going directly to the table to sit down and put the lantern he was carrying in the center of the table. David turned so he could look right at him as he said, “Because I have some things I would like to know. About you.”   
  
“Yeah, you can ask me whatever you want to. It’s only fair I guess,” Matteo said, settling in his chair. He looked up at David and smiled, a little bit more life in his eyes. David’s churning stomach relaxed at the sight. It wasn’t a guarantee that everything was okay, but it was enough to allow David to continue on with his plan.   
  
“I’m a big fan of equality, as you know,” David said flirtatiously as he sat down across from Matteo. He shifted back to his more serious tone, and started his round of questions. “So, you didn’t go to the academy, right?”  
  
“Um, no,” Matteo said, and David just looked at him, waiting for him to continue. He did, but the way he stumbled over his words and every statement sounded like more a question made it clear that he wasn’t very comfortable talking about himself. “I went for a year. Like, kindergarten. But it was just sort of a lot. I couldn’t handle it, or whatever. So, I didn’t go back. Afterwards, I had, like, tutors and shit who would come give me lessons.”  
  
“So, just you and a tutor holed up in some room in the castle? For 12 years?” David asked.   
  
“Yeah, basically,” Matteo said. “It was pretty nice, actually. I mean, it got boring sometimes, but, like we didn’t start the lessons until the afternoon most days. And I got to go at my own pace, which was good.”  
  
“Didn’t you miss getting to make friends and hang out at school?” David asked. “I mean, sleeping in sounds nice, but, you know what I mean?”  
  
“Not really,” Matteo said, scratching his neck. “I mean, I don’t like being around big groups of people. It just gets, like, um, overwhelming?”  
  
“Yeah, okay,” David said, leaning back in his chair a bit, thinking. “But you do have some friends, don’t you? You’ve mentioned Amira, and don’t you have that advisor who is your age? Jonas?”  
  
“Um, yeah,” Matteo said, perking up a bit at the mention of their names. “Amira and I go way back, family friend sort of thing. And Jonas was, like, the only good thing about my year at the academy.”  
  
“Is that where you meet him?”  
  
“Yeah, our teacher sat us next to each other, and I don’t know, we just became friends,” Matteo said. “It wasn’t immediate, I don’t think. It was a long time ago, so I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I do remember that he used to invite me to play with him on the playground when no one else would.”  
  
“The other kids didn’t want to play with you?” David asked, a little shocked. Maybe he was just biased, but it seemed outrageous that anyone would turn down the opportunity to befriend Matteo.  
  
“Kindergarteners don’t care about royalty status,” Matteo said, huffing out a weak laugh.   
  
“No, but like, why would they not want to be friends with you?” David pressed.   
  
“Did you not hear me? I couldn’t handle kindergarten,” Matteo said, then his eyes got sad again as he looked down at the floor beside his chair. “No one wants to be friends with the kid who is crying in the corner and barely talks.”   
  
“Damn, Matteo,” David said. His heart broke for that lonely, scared little boy and for the not so little boy that sat in front of him. He was so clearly fighting the same battles, just in a grown-up world.   
  
“It’s okay,” Matteo said, and David wanted to shout, _no it’s not,_ but he didn’t dare interrupt Matteo. He wanted to hear everything he had to say, so he listened intently as he continued. “Jonas was nice, and I got to do the tutor thing. Even after I left the academy, Jonas still wanted to be my friend. I still don’t really know why, but he did. And he introduced me to this new girl when we were, like, maybe 10 or 11? Hanna. And we became really good friends too. And they both just stuck by me and all. They would invite me to parties and get-togethers and stuff, and sometimes I would go, but at a certain point I just stopped, you know?”   
  
“Why?” David asked immediately, even though he was pretty sure he knew what the answer was going to be.   
  
“It was just too much for me,” Matteo said, and David nodded. “I don’t like meeting new people or doing new things. I don’t like big crowds and loud shit. I would rather just stay here and hang out with the people I already know won’t give me crap. Maybe that makes me a coward, I don’t know.”  
  
“I don’t think it makes you a coward,” David said, gently. “Sometimes you just have to know yourself. Your limits.”  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said softly, and David could tell he was drifting off to another place in his head.   
  
With the silence settling between them, David had a chance to catch up with his own mind. He realized that with every word Matteo said, he was taken farther and farther from his intention to come in and sweep Matteo off his feet with flirty questions and build the tension to a point where they couldn’t ignore it anymore.  
  
Ever since he had met Matteo, David had been stopping himself from going there, but he had finally realized what he had been doing to himself and said no more. He was finally ready to throw himself into making this thing between them a reality, and once David resolved to throw himself into something, he didn’t let anything stop him.   
  
Or rather, he didn’t let anything stop him until that moment with Matteo sitting across from him, sinking back in his chair, skin pale and red at the same time, as he gazed away. Matteo was just about the only thing that could soften David’s blazing determination and stubbornness.   
  
“Matteo?” David asked, quiet and caring. “Can you fill me in on what’s happening right now?”   
  
“Um, nothing,” Matteo said a beat later, snapping his head back towards David, and trying to make his face look engaged and fine, but David could see through it.   
  
“You don’t have to lie to me, okay?” David said.   
  
“I, uh, I’m just, um,” Matteo stuttered and David wanted to shatter the walls that were surrounding Matteo, the force that was keeping him worlds away from David. “Did you have more questions?”  
  
Of course he had more questions, so many more things he wanted to know, but that look on Matteo’s face kept them at bay. “Do you want me to ask you more questions?” he asked.   
  
“I don’t know,” Matteo sighed. “You probably have like a million more, don’t you?” Matteo stopped for a moment, and David looked away, trying to figure out where to go from there. He was not expecting Matteo to keep going, voice quieter and sadder than David knew was possible. “You probably want to know why I am trying to find a queen.”  
  
David quickly turned back to him, breath catching. “I, um” David started, not wanting to admit that it was on the list, the last on his list really, that question that was meant to break the tension and force them both to take action. “You’ve already told me. You think you are bad at being king and think that finding a queen will make it easier.”   
  
“Yeah, but, uh,” Matteo said, and David could hear him starting to get a bit choked up, his breathing speeding up, eyes still glued to his lap. “I don’t think, that, um, don’t you, fuck, I can’t do this, David.”   
  
And that was it. Matteo said David’s name as he broke down, tears starting to pour from his eyes down his reddening cheeks. He threw his head into his hands, and turned in his seat, away from the table, away from David. The sobs were loud, and they sounded breathless and painful. David could only imagine how each sob rippled through Matteo’s body. The thought of all the pain that he must have been experiencing that moment and all the moments leading up to it shattered David’s heart.   
  
David got up from his chair, fighting back tears of his own, and quickly took a few steps so he was standing right in front of Matteo. He crouched down in front of him, and gently placed his hands on Matteo’s knees. It was so natural and felt so right that he didn’t even think about it, but as soon as his hands settled on Matteo, memories of him recoiling from people touching him flashed across David’s mind.   
  
Before David could remove his hands, not wanting to do anything that would make this moment worse for Matteo, he felt Matteo start to move under his hands. He crumbled down from the chair, falling into David. Matteo’s knees knocked against David’s, sending him backwards, falling to sit fully on the ground as Matteo’s head fell into the crook of his shoulder. Instinctively, David reached his arms up to hold Matteo as he sobbed into him.   
  
“Matteo,” David breathed out unconsciously, empathy and grief laden in his shaky voice. David shifted under Matteo’s weight, bringing his legs out in front of him so he could reposition Matteo between his legs. Matteo shifted with him, lying on his side, legs curled up close to his own chest while his head hovering above David’s chest. “It’s going to be okay, Matteo,” David said, arms circled around Matteo. He brought one hand up, and gently pressed Matteo’s head flush against his chest, running his hand over the soft hair on the back of his head.  
  
Matteo just continued to cry muffled tears into David’s chest, and David let him. David had no idea how long they sat together on the floor like that, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Matteo was safe in his arms and finally letting all the pain inside of him flow out.   
  
As the gasps for breath became less frequent and the tears slowed, David laced his fingers through Matteo’s hair and leaned down to gently kiss the top of his head. He let his head lie there on top of Matteo’s for a moment, indulging himself in the way Matteo’s hair felt against his face.   
  
“How are you feeling?” David asked softly into his hair, not wanting to give up the feeling, the scent, the closeness. When Matteo said nothing, he tried again. “I’ve got you, Matteo.”   
  
David should have anticipated the second bout of tears Matteo let out against his chest, shaking in his arms. David just tightened his grip around Matteo.   
  
“I, it’s just, I’m so,” Matteo let out between sobs, straining himself. “I’m so sorry.”   
  
“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” David said, running his fingers through his hair again. “You have nothing to apologize for.”   
  
“It’s just,” Matteo tried for a second time, getting his words out better this time, but still sounding so utterly exhausted. “It’s just that there is so…so much I can’t think about and talk about…and I, it is just too fucking much, it’s all too fucking much, and I…I’m sorry, this is so stupid.”  
  
“Hey, no, look at me,” David said firmly, bringing both his hands up to delicately hold Matteo’s cheeks and turn his face so he was looking up at David. The position was a bit awkward, but David didn’t care. He needed Matteo to see his face. He needed him to understand how serious he was. “It’s not stupid. Whatever you are feeling is not stupid. Okay?”   
  
“Okay,” Matteo echoed. David wasn’t sure Matteo really believed him, but it was at least a start.   
  
“Matteo,” David said again, voice heavy as he hesitantly let go of Matteo’s cheeks so he could wrap his arms around Matteo’s back again, pulling him closer. Matteo nestled his face back against David’s chest, and it made David feel so beyond fond. “What’s going on? You can talk to me, you know that, right?”  
  
David could barely make out Matteo’s voice muffled against his chest. “I’m scared.”  
  
“I know, but you can trust me,” David said, holding back tears as he continued and tried to make his voice the perfect mix of strong and loving. “It’s just you and me. Just two people who need each other, okay?”  
  
It was a moment later when Matteo finally spoke, barely above a whisper. “I went to visit my mom today.”   
  
“Oh,” David said, his mind flashing back to that first night they had talked, when Matteo had told him _“she didn’t choose to get sick.”_  
  
“That’s why I didn’t get to come down here until now,” Matteo said, voice starting to even out a bit. “It’s a long drive there and back, and we did it all in one day.”  
  
“Matteo, don’t worry about that,” David said, looking down at him, trying to catch his eyes. “How was it?”   
  
“Hard,” Matteo said, letting out a long breath. “Really fucking hard. I just, um, she has been sending me letters ever since they sent her away. Fuck.” Matteo stopped, squinting his eyes shut and burrowing further into David. “You don’t even know about that, do you?” He asked, and David could hear the tears in his voice again.   
  
“No,” David said simply. He wanted to tell Matteo that he didn’t have to explain it all to him, but he really, really wanted to understand.   
  
“They sent her away. She got sick inside and they sent her away,” Matteo said, exasperated. He continued, his voice getting louder and faster as he cried. “But not like body sick. Like, I don’t even know what to fucking call it. She told us that she felt sick. Like, that’s her word, sick, and we all just use it and I guess it feels as right as anything, but I don’t know because there’s no real word for it because we don’t do shit for people like us. We just send them away and get rid of them and then run in the other fucking direction because we are so scared and disgusted and it just feels like shit! It feels like fucking shit to know that there is nothing waiting for me except for that! Because that’s all I’m fucking good for. I’m just like her, I know it, I can feel it. And everyone around here pretends like I am fine, like I am not turning into my mother, but fuck, I already am my mother. I’ve been her since kindergarten! And everyone always told me I was fine, there was nothing wrong with me, but there is something wrong with me, David. I’m sick like her and I’m just waiting for everyone in the whole fucking kingdom to know it, except they probably won’t because Lieutenant Adamczyk is just going to send me to go live with my mother in the fucking woods. It’s not like it’s not nice out there, it’s our fucking winter home, it’s nice. But it was so awful to see my mom there. She was a shell of a person, even more than she was when she wouldn’t get out of bed day after day and she missed everything. She was up, walking around, talking, like she wasn’t dead, but she was so fucking lonely and sad and not herself at all and she is still missing everything because they sent her to the fucking woods because they didn’t want to deal with her!”   
  
Matteo finally stopped to take in a shallow, unstable breath, and David knew he wasn’t done. The floodgates had finally opened and Matteo might never stop. But David had to take the brief silent moment to ask a question that was worrying him.   
  
“Matteo, how do you know that all that happened to your mother will happen to you?” David asked, hand firm at the base of Matteo’s neck. David never thought he would be sitting there with Matteo in his arms, praying that his answer wouldn’t be _“because I’m gay.”_  
  
“Because I have spent my whole life with this weight on my shoulders,” Matteo started to explain, his words coming out slowly. “Because I am exhausted at the end of every day from doing things that shouldn’t make me exhausted. And because even though I am exhausted, I can’t sleep at night. Like, sometimes it’s thoughts, but most of the time it is just that I’m stuck. And I get stuck, like where I can’t find the words and then I get stuck and I don’t know what to do, like all the time. And I let people walk all fucking over me because I can’t get myself to do anything about it. Cause I’m, like, numb inside but also like not numb at all, and it is just so fucking confusing. And I just know, David. I know that I am broken inside. And maybe some of that is because I fucking lost my parents three months ago and maybe some of that is because I have been hiding this huge piece of myself my whole life. But I know there is more to it than that. It’s in my bones or something. Don’t you believe me?”  
  
“Of course, I believe you, Matteo,” David said, moving his hand to caress the side of Matteo’s warm cheek. Matteo closed his eyes as he leaned into the touch, and was silent for a moment.  
  
“David, I’m just not meant for any of this,” Matteo eventually said sadly, and that statement stole David’s breath in the worst way possible. Thankfully, Matteo continued, eyes opening. “I am just so not cut out for being king right now, or maybe ever. I mean, I’m just waiting for something to break what is already broken inside of me so bad that I can’t function anymore. Not king material. Not to mention I’m barely even 18 years old. Like, I’m a kid. How the hell does anyone expect me to do this? And, and, I’m gay. Florenzia isn’t ready for a gay king.”  
  
David couldn’t help but smile a little, finally hearing those words out of Matteo’s mouth. David squeezed him, bringing him impossibly closer, and placed another gentle kiss to the top of his head.  
  
“I know it’s a lot, Matteo,” David said, resting his cheek in Matteo’s hair. “But you are going to make it through, okay? I have faith in you.”  
  
“You probably shouldn’t,” Matteo said sadly. David wanted to say something clever back like _I’m too stubborn, you can’t convince me not too,_ but David could feel new, silent tears soaking through his shirt.  
  
For once in his life, David’s mind fell quiet. There was nothing he could say that would fix things for Matteo, and he knew it. David didn’t feel totally powerless, though, because he knew he could at least be there for Matteo, cradling him in his arms and running his hands through his hair, trying to comfort him and make him feel safe even for just one night. It was all David could do as the candle on the table burned out and the moonlight shone in through the window. It was all he wanted to do.  
  
At some point, long after Matteo and David had exhausted all possible words, they fell asleep there, wrapped up in each other, on the floor of David’s cell.  
  
Neither one of them woke up even once.   
  
— — —  
  
The first thing Matteo felt as he slowly woke up the next morning was warmth. Still groggy and half asleep, he had no idea where the warmth was coming from. His eyes still shut, he closed them tighter as he gave into a yawn, re-acclimating himself to the motion of his jaw, the in and out of air, and the up and down of his dully aching chest. He could see light burning in front of his eyelids, and was hesitant to open them when he realized that he had no idea where he was. Something was cool and hard underneath most of his body, a far cry from the bed he was used to, but somewhere in the middle of his back, the sensation changed. There was the warmth. Strong crossed legs rested underneath his back and shoulders. The delicate crook between a hip and a thigh cradled his head. A gentle hand weaved through his hair.  
  
_David._  
  
Matteo opened his eyes, dawning a lethargic smile as he saw David tenderly looking down at him with the dreamiest early morning smile and the most compassionate eyes.  
  
“Hi,” David said softly, just for Matteo.  
  
“Hi,” Matteo said back.   
  
Matteo felt suspended in some sort of other world, where he was safe and nothing else mattered except for David. Not even all that had happened between them last night mattered. It was just him and David, and it felt so right.   
  
But then, as Matteo started to lift his hand to find some part of David to touch because laying his head in his lap was somehow not enough, the faint sound of the metal door starting to open fractured their little bubble of safety.   
  
Suddenly, all the weight that had been lifted from Matteo dropped back on top of him, and he felt David frantically scrambling under him before he could even begin to process what was happening.   
  
He followed along, though, springing up with David, finding his way on to his wobbly, exhausted legs, as the sound of the door grew louder as it opened further.   
  
Matteo looked over to David, who had somehow managed to get to the other side of the table, leaving a good distance between the two of them. Hopefully, it was enough distance to make it look like they hadn’t just spent the whole night in each other’s arms. _Holy shit, I just spent the whole night in David’s arms._ With that thought running through his mind, the distance between them felt all too large. He wanted David back in his space.   
  
But then he heard footsteps and turned his head to watch as Jonas walked into view.   
  
“I thought I might find you down here,” Jonas said, as Matteo felt his heart beating fast, but not in a good way. “Though, it’s a little early for interrogation, isn’t it?”   
  
“Why would you think I would be down here?” Matteo asked, nervously, at nearly the same time that David said, “Well, they say that people are more likely to talk on an empty stomach.”   
  
Hearing their words blend together, they looked at each other. Matteo could feel his anxiety building as he saw David looking at him with something reminiscent of a glare that said, _I wish we’d had time to get our story straight._  
  
Jonas just laughed knowingly, prompting Matteo to look back at him, confused. “Why are you in the cell, bro?” Jonas asked, amused with a hint of teasing in his voice.   
  
His question hit Matteo deep in his stomach. “Umm,” Matteo said, still drawling out the filler word as David spoke again, taking a step forward. “Just my conditions.”  
  
Matteo looked down at his feet, overwhelmed. “Uh, yeah,” he said weakly. “But I think we are done for the day, right?”   
  
He looked over to David and tried to make his eyes say _I’m sorry, but I have to go._  
  
“If you want, sure,” David said, seeming to pick up on Matteo’s message as he sounded understanding and kind and not at all offended. “But you know where to find me if you want to talk more.”   
  
Matteo nodded, hoping Jonas wouldn’t see the subtle smile on his lips. He took one last look at David, then hung his head and walked towards Jonas, fishing the keys out of his pocket as he did.   
  
Matteo handed the keys to Jonas, and he quickly opened the door to let Matteo out, and then after a moment’s hesitation, closed and locked it again.   
  
The two of them silently left the room, but as the metal door slowly closed behind them as they walked, Jonas knocked his shoulder against Matteo’s and asked, “So, you want to tell me what is really going on between you two?”   
  
Matteo fumbled away from Jonas a little bit, and as he regained his footing, mumbled out an embarrassed, “Um, no, not really.”   
  
“Just be careful, okay?” Jonas said. “I don’t want him to hurt you.”   
  
Matteo rolled his eyes as he continued walking. “He’s not going to stab me or something.”   
  
“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Jonas said matter of factly as he opened the door out of the dungeon, and looked back at Matteo, warning ripe in his eyes, before he turned to start up the stairs.  
  
Matteo had no idea what to say to that, so he said nothing. He just let out a silent breath and followed Jonas up the stairs, feeling more somber with every step away from David.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 8— The Glow of Transparency


	8. The Glow of Transparency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> Hope you are doing well during this time! Here’s chapter 8; I hope y’all enjoy this chapter! :)
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Happy reading!

David wasn’t worried about Matteo coming back. He was a little worried about Matteo himself, sure, but he had no doubt in his mind that Matteo would be busting through that metal door eventually.  
  
Matteo had come to him in his time of need, crashed into him and stayed there all night. He had opened up to David, letting out his deepest demons and coming out to him. Matteo was gay, and he had let David hold him, play with his hair and kiss the top of his head. Twice. That was enough to banish David’s doubts about whether or not Matteo had feelings for him.   
  
David still had his own doubts, his own fears and apprehensions, but he almost didn’t care about them anymore. He was into Matteo, Matteo was into him, and it was only a matter of time before Matteo would come down for another visit.   
  
David felt secure with that knowledge in his mind, so much so that he really didn’t even make a plan. He didn’t know what state Matteo would be in when he came down next, so David left all possibilities open. He didn’t feel the need to come in swinging, because even though he still wanted to, he knew that they would find their way to each other when they were both ready.   
  
The only thing he knew for certain was that he wasn’t going to let anything stop him from expressing his feelings when the time came. For once in his life, David had someone he felt like he could be fully himself with, and he wasn’t going to hold back.   
  
It was more than a full day after he had woken up with Matteo in his arms that David heard the metal door open and knew it was Matteo. It hadn’t taken him long to learn how to distinguish between the sound Matteo of opening the door, and the sound of anyone else doing the task.  
  
David smiled shamelessly as he got up from where he had been sitting on the ground. He walked over to stand by the bars right next to the door, leaning against them slyly. With his smile still on his face, he watched Matteo enter the room, the afternoon sun illuminating him beautifully.   
  
“I swear the guard at the front of the dungeon is getting more suspicious every day,” Matteo said as the metal door closed behind him. David’s heart rate sped up at the sight of Matteo’s blue eyes, and the crown atop his head. He had forgotten how the jewels in Matteo’s crown matched his eyes.   
  
“I wouldn’t worry too much about Stefan,” David said, and Matteo looked at him a little confused as he grabbed the keys off the wall and started walking towards him. David didn’t feel like explaining how he had talked to Stefan once and was pretty sure Stefan was a good guy underneath his armor. He wanted to focus on the electric energy radiating in the lessening space between the two of them. “You keep telling him that you are coming to interrogate me, right?   
  
“Yeah, but,” Matteo started, putting the key in the lock and struggling a bit to open it with just one hand. He got it eventually and pushed the door open. “I never have anything to report.”   
  
Matteo walked through the door, stopping right next to David. David wanted to reach out and touch him so badly, but he didn’t want to overwhelm him. So, he settled for speaking his mind.   
  
“I don’t know if I would say nothing, exactly,” he said flirtatiously. Matteo looked down, his cheeks flushing just a bit, as he started to walk further into the cell, the open door forgotten behind him. David didn’t think he would ever get over how much Matteo trusted him. “Keys?” David asked, looking over to Matteo who was sitting down at the table in his usual chair.   
  
“Oh, right,” Matteo said and he threw them to David. The throw wasn’t great, the keys veering to David’s upper left, but David effortlessly lifted his arm and clenched them with one hand. He smirked when he saw how impressed Matteo was. “Wow, arts and sports really were your favorite.”  
  
David just let his smirk fade into a fond smile as he locked the door, and then turned around to walk over to sit across from Matteo like always. As he approached the table, he stopped in his tracks.   
  
“Wait, is that?” David asked, not believing his eyes as he noticed a slender paint-splattered wooden case sitting on the ground by Matteo’s feet.   
  
“Oh, yeah, that,” Matteo said, following his eyes down to the ground. He leaned over and picked up the case, holding it in his lap. “I stole it from Lieutenant Adamczyk’s office,” Matteo said, sounding quite excited and proud of himself.  
  
“Oh my god,” David said, walking over to Matteo and the paint set. “How did I not notice you carrying this when you walked in?” David asked in awe as he set down the keys on the table. He reached down and ran his hand over the metal clasp on the case, the familiar sensation bringing him a nostalgic comfort.   
  
“Well, maybe you were a bit distracted or something,” Matteo said mischievously, but David couldn’t even play along. He had been so afraid he was never going to see his paint set again. It had carried him through so much; it was a part of him. The thought of losing it in this whole ordeal was devastating.   
  
“Thank you, Matteo,” David said, breathless and authentic. Matteo smiled up at him and handed him the case. It felt so right in David’s hands.   
  
“You’re more than welcome,” Matteo said. David set the case on the table so he could open it. The brilliant colors of paint were just as he had left them and the brushes lay waiting for him. “But it wasn’t entirely selfless. I sort of wanted to see them in action.”   
  
David looked up from the paint set, making eye contact with Matteo, and he could practically feel his own eyes sparkle with excitement and infatuation. “That I can do.”   
  
David didn’t want to look away, but he was itching to get his hands back on his brushes in front of him. David wasn’t sure he had ever gone so long without painting or drawing something and he couldn’t wait to fill the creative hole in his heart. Plus, the idea of painting for Matteo was absolutely exhilarating.   
  
David grabbed one of his paintbrushes, holding it tightly in his palm, closing his fingers around the smooth wood as his eyes closed from the growing connection. It wasn’t painful, not like Laura’s telepathic magic. With this magic, David felt one with the universe and with himself. Everything in his mind slowed, and his thoughts all channeled into one beautiful thought, the image of what he wanted to paint. It was a celestial feeling, coming to see the image in his mind. Sometimes he tried to guide the process to get the desired result, but he knew that the best art came from simply letting his mind meld with the magic to bring out the image David’s soul most wanted to express.   
  
David smiled when he saw the image appear in his mind, not surprised in the slightest at what his soul had conjured up that day.  
  
Then, smile still dancing on his lips, David opened his eyes. He grabbed the paint set and swiftly moved it to the floor beside the table. He crouched down and dipped his brush into the first color. He looked up at the blank wall in front of him and got to work.  
  
— — —  
  
David was always breathtaking but there was something so intimate about watching him paint. He was so deliberate, so focused. The way he threw himself into his creation was tantalizing beyond belief.   
  
Matteo was mesmerized watching him, falling deeper and deeper with every brush stroke. He didn’t even know it was possible to feel more affection for the man that was standing there in front of him, painting like there was nothing else in the world, like the painting was his world.   
  
Matteo knew he would have been enamored by David painting even without the magic, but it was stunning to see magic there before his very eyes.   
  
David had the power behind every brushstroke, every dip of his brush, every curve, every line. But David barely even had to touch the paintbrush to the wall for marvelous color to appear, taking form and shape quickly as David moved the brush, barely dusting the surface of the wall. The color expanded as he moved the brush, and filled the space perfectly.  
  
From where Matteo sat at the table, he could see David in profile, his eyes closing at specific moments, and Matteo imagined that he was focusing his energy on the image in his mind, somehow communicating to the brush in his hand.  
  
Matteo was torn between wishing he had something that he could be that connected to, that passionate about, and wishing that David could be as connected to him as he was to that magic paintbrush he held so beautifully between his fingers.   
  
Matteo felt his chest long for David’s full, undivided attention, as he asked himself, _am I seriously jealous of a paintbrush?_ He didn’t have a chance to answer himself, though; the painting was starting to take shape. 

The subtle, yet vivid powder blue background found its center; it was a face, a head, shoulders up really. As a soft nose appeared, Matteo could tell that the head was turned a little to the side. Then there was the hair, messy dirty blonde hair, and the eyes, blue and piercing.  
  
Matteo stood up from the table, wincing a little at the screech of his chair against the floor. David didn’t flinch, unrelentingly fixated on his work. Matteo, too, found himself fixating on it, as he slowly walked towards David.   
  
Standing a few feet behind David, still a little to the left, he could see the painting head on as it came to life on the wall— as Matteo came to life on the wall.  
  
His mind barely registered it, but Matteo could feel the reality of David’s painting in his heart, his whole body even.   
  
David was painting Matteo. And it was the most beautiful sight Matteo had ever seen.  
  
Matteo had never thought about himself in a positive way. He had never seen himself in a good light. He had never felt beautiful or stunning or captivating.   
  
But that painting— it was all of those things and more. The Matteo in the painting looked bright, albeit a little reserved. He looked like he was sitting on ounces of confidence, waiting for just the right moment to unleash the power within him to the world. He looked brave, and gentle. Intelligent, and kind. Bold, and delicate. He looked gorgeous, and dazzling.   
  
_Is this how David sees me?  
  
Is this how I could see myself? _  
  
Matteo was overcome with an intricate mix of sorrow and ecstatic hope— sorrow for all the years he missed out on seeing himself like this and all the years where no one had seen him like this, like David saw him; and ecstatic hope for all the years to come where he could learn to see himself like this, teach everyone to see him like this and, of course, all the years where David could continue to see him like this.   
  
It was an overwhelming thought— years— but down there in the dungeon, free of everything that wasn’t David and Matteo, it felt like the only possible future.   
  
As Matteo tried to swallow the teary lump in the back of his throat, he noticed David standing still in front of the painting, staring at it intensely. His step back told Matteo that the painting must have been done. It certainly looked done to him. He didn’t know how anyone could possibly make it any better than it already was.   
  
“Wow,” Matteo heard himself saying, his voice a little scratchy from all his awed silence. David turned back to look at him briefly, before turning his attention back to the painting, but even just the tiny glimpse of David’s dark, focused eyes made Matteo’s stomach flip over and his feet stumble back as his mind scrambled. “I guess, I mean,” Matteo stuttered, all of sudden feeling a little stupid for reading so much into the portrait on the wall. “You must have had to practice drawing me for all the times you wanted to draw the king being killed or burned alive or decapitated or whatever.”   
  
Matteo nervously fiddled with his fingers behind his back as he waited for David to respond. He was so focused on the painting that Matteo thought he might never speak again.  
  
But, as David leaned forward to make some finishing touches to Matteo’s jaw, he spoke, voice slower than usual.   
  
“Actually, I don’t usually draw people. You have to spend a lot of time with a person to paint them. Look at every detail of their face, figure out how they carry themselves, drink in their essence so you can make their eyes speak the truth of their soul. You can’t paint a person unless you really know them.”   
  
Matteo lost his breath at David’s words, and then David turned around, staring deep into his eyes. Matteo wanted to say so much, but he had no words.   
  
Thankfully, David did.   
  
“I hope that’s not creepy,” David said, earnestly and softly, as he stepped forward to get closer to Matteo.   
  
“Not creepy,” Matteo said, quietly, and his eyes flickered down from David’s eyes to his lips. The sight was exhilarating, maybe a little too exhilarating for Matteo to be able to handle. And maybe David could pick up on that.   
  
“Good,” David said, turning back around to admire his work. “Shame I’ll probably have to take it down though.”  
  
“Why would you do that?” Matteo asked as he begged his shaking hands to stay still at his sides.  
  
“I think people might ask some questions we aren’t ready to answer if they saw this on the wall,” David said, glancing back at Matteo. Yes, David definitely picked up on Matteo’s anxieties. And maybe he had them as well. Neither one of them could deny things between them anymore, but that didn’t mean that they were immune to fear. _We are in this together, David and I, all the highs and lows._   
  
“Right,” Matteo said, then found a little bit of the courage that Painting Matteo exuded and continued. “Plus, I want to stay down here some more, and I might get a little weirded out after a while with the painting having eyes, just, like, watching us.”  
  
“Oh, would you have preferred I paint you without eyes?” David quipped back, voice light and airy, as he walked towards his paint set.   
  
“I mean, I just don’t want to be stared at by myself,” Matteo said, tossing his head back a little as he spoke with a chuckle.   
  
David crouched down and closed the paint set, as he said, “Okay, I mean, I like it when you stare at me, but to each their own, I guess.”   
  
Matteo felt his cheeks flushing as he looked down at his feet. A moment later when he looked back up, the painting was gone.   
  
“What the fuck?” Matteo asked in disbelief, eyes wide. “Where did it? How did you?”   
  
Matteo looked down to where David was crouching on the floor. He was laughing beautifully and fell backwards so he was sitting on the ground from the force of his laughter.   
  
“It’s a magic paint set, Matteo,” David said, smiling big. He looked a little goofy, his gums on full display as he smiled, and Matteo once again had to ponder how it was possible to fall harder than he already was.   
  
Matteo smiled back at him and shook his head as he walked over to the table. “Get off the floor, you idiot,” Matteo said affectionately as he took a seat in one of the two chairs closest to David, abandoning his previous chair on the other side of the table.   
  
Matteo watched as David grabbed the paint set by its handle and gracefully stood up. He took a few steps, and then he was right by Matteo at the table.   
  
“Thanks again for bringing me this,” he said, placing the paint set on the table. As he sat down next to Matteo, he effortlessly moved the chair so he was facing Matteo. “Though,” he said, voice a little bit more serious and maybe a bit wary. “I can’t help but wonder if this was sort of your way of avoiding having to talk about the other night?”   
  
Matteo just continued to look at David as he stared at him knowingly. David really knew Matteo, forwards and backwards. Matteo thought he should have felt exposed by David pinpointing his coping mechanism or felt shame at the mention of his breakdown, but all he felt was close to David. Or maybe that was just their physical proximity, sitting there on the same side of the table, even with Matteo’s body facing the table instead of David.   
  
“Maybe,” Matteo said, slowly, something like a smirk growing on his lips.  
  
“It’s okay,” David said, still in his sincere state, eyes full of concern and care. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”  
  
“Thanks,” Matteo said, finally having to avert his eyes to the table in front of him. “I mean, really. Thank you. I just, you really helped me that day. Like so much.”  
  
“Thank you for letting me,” David said meaningfully as he tenderly placed his hand on the side of Matteo’s knee. Matteo glanced down at the touch, feeling the electricity spread through his whole body in the best way.  
  
He looked over at David again, locking eyes with him as he spilled truth. “Oh, well, yeah, there’s no one else I would want to,” Matteo said, and he stopped, contemplating how much he wanted to say. He knew he could say so much more, but he didn’t think he had the words yet. He just wanted David to understand how much he cherished him. “So, yeah, thanks for being that person, and, you know.”  
  
“I know,” David said, and the way he squeezed Matteo’s knee ever so slightly made him have no doubt that David did know.  
  
After a moment, David removed his hand from Matteo’s knee and leaned back in his chair. Matteo mourned the contact, confused. But then he noticed David stretch out his legs in front of him, his feet landing underneath Matteo’s chair. Matteo looked down as David askingly knocked his foot against one of the chair legs, and Matteo understood exactly what David was doing.   
  
Smiling shyly as he looked down into his lap, Matteo gripped the seat of his chair and shifted around so that his body was facing David. He looked up a little and saw David smiling back at him, smug and flirtatious as ever.  
  
Somehow in the process, their feet ended up next to each other, so close that Matteo could help brush their ankles together as he settled into his new position.  
  
“So, what did you think of magic?” David asked craftily as if he wasn’t pressing his ankle against Matteo’s and staring at him with more desire than Matteo knew was possible.  
  
“Um, it’s pretty cool,” Matteo said, feeling a bit flustered, but not too flustered to carry on.  
  
“Yeah? Pretty cool is a bit of an understatement, don’t you think?” David asked, raising his eyebrow as he tilted his head.  
  
“Okay, yeah, I guess it is like maybe the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Matteo said. “I can’t believe I have lived my whole life without magic while other people have been living their whole life with magic.”  
  
“Wow, jealousy looks good on you,” David said flirtatiously, as he trailed his ankle a little higher up the side of Matteo’s shin. Matteo just rolled his eyes in an attempt to slow his quickening heartbeat. _And forward looks good on you,_ Matteo thought about saying, but he just couldn’t quite bring himself to be as bold as David.   
  
“Tell me more about magic,” Matteo said, instead, resting his eyes on David’s again. He was genuinely curious. He was more curious about what David’s lips tasted like, but he didn't really know how to figure that out yet. _You just lean over and kiss him, moron_ , Matteo said to himself. If only it felt that easy.   
  
“Okay, if that’s how you want to spend our time together,” David said, dropping his foot to the ground, but not moving it away from Matteo’s. “So, there are a lot of kinds of magic. There are some basic categories, obviously, like healing magic or elemental magic. But, honestly, it’s not that binary. Since I don’t have magic, I don’t really know what it feels like, but when you come into your magic, you sort of get a sense of the way your magic is manifesting. You can always go beyond those specific things, but most people with magic just stick to what has called out to them. It’s the difference between people like my godmother who work to acquire as many magical capabilities as possible, and Laura, who does work on growing her skills, but doesn’t venture much outside telepathic magic.”  
  
“Okay, but are there, like spells? I mean, how does it work?” Matteo asked.   
  
“Sometimes,” David said. “When Laura contacts me, she doesn’t use a spell. She just goes into her magic and connects with the energies inside of it. That’s kind of the way that my paint set works, too. My godmother had to put a spell on it at first, but now that it is magical and I have been with it enough, I just tap into our energy and spiritual connection.”   
  
“Whoa,” Matteo said, leaning back in his chair as he processed.   
  
“Yeah, it’s pretty otherworldly,” David said. “But, like I said, sometimes it’s more concrete and spells are used. As of late, Laura has been working on some spells so that we can carry around this statue. She’s trying to master a shrinking spell, but she is also working on a spell to make the statue lighter.”  
  
“Wait,” Matteo said, leaning back forward in his chair. “What statue?”   
  
“Oh, the one they put up of your dad last month,” David said nonchalantly, then a look of sudden realization appeared on David’s face. Matteo couldn’t even focus on trying to read his facial expression, though, because he was too busy processing what David was telling him.  
  
“Wait. Are you telling me that your big plan was to steal the statue of my dad?” Matteo asked, meticulously speaking as he thought out loud. “Like, this whole time, all my advisors have been pulling their hair out over what you and your crew have been planning, thinking it was going to be this huge dangerous thing, and your plan was to…steal a statue?”   
  
Matteo couldn’t help but let out a little laugh at the end, but David just looked at him with a defensiveness that Matteo found way too cute.   
  
“I told you it was a short term thing!” David called out, shifting in his seat, moving his feet away. Matteo hated to feel the absence, but he loved watching David slip comfortably back into his passion.   
  
“Okay, okay,” Matteo said, stifling his laughter for a moment, and trying to match David’s seriousness. “So, you steal the statue and then what’s your plan?”  
  
“Get people!” David said, waving his hands enthusiastically. “It’s an act of protest that inspires people to join us! We need enough people to make this into a real revolution! Get some real man and woman power behind the cause so we aren’t just a couple of low life’s meeting in basements and shit.” David stopped for a minute as Matteo started laughing again, unable to hold back anymore. “Why are you laughing? Stop it!” David whined, and it was so endearing to see David like this, simultaneously serious and sweet and just absolutely expressive. David had never seemed so wholly real to Matteo.   
  
“Sorry, sorry,” Matteo said, his laughter subsiding a little, but not entirely disappearing as David smiled back at him. “It just seems so petty! Which I’m not mad at by the way, my father does not deserve a statue!”  
  
“I know! He really doesn’t!” David said, smiling wildly, gums on display again.  
  
“It’s just,” Matteo said. “It’s not going to end the monarchy, you know that, right?”  
  
“Long game. We’re playing the long game,” David said, leaning back in his chair, falling more serious again, drawing from a script that Matteo was sure David had perfected over his many months of anti-monarchy rebellion. “We get people, then we plan bigger protests and we get people to do bigger things, maybe even get someone in the palace to turn, like a guard or someone who can help us take it down from the inside. Or maybe we have to lead a revolt, take it to the streets. If we have to get blood on our hands, as a last resort, we will. But by that point everyone in the kingdom will be on our side and we’ll be able to take over and implant a new, fair system of governance. And the statue sounds small, but it’s a start. And we have to start somewhere.”  
  
Matteo was silent for a moment, processing every word that David said, but then it hit him. “Oh my god,” Matteo said.  
  
“What?” David asked. Matteo was sure the dumbfounded and stunned look on his face was a bit concerning, but thankfully, his mouth twisted into a smile and his eyes lit up as he lunged forward.   
  
“I did it. You cracked,” Matteo said loudly, poking a finger into David’s collarbone. “You told me your whole fucking plan!”   
  
“Holy shit,” David said, throwing his head to the side, smiling like an idiot. He didn’t even look mad, just fond.   
  
“Oh my god, David,” Matteo said, again, also tilting his head as he looked at him. For what felt like the first time, Matteo was genuinely proud of himself, and it was a great feeling.  
  
“Damn, I can’t believe I fell for that,” David said, shaking his head as he looked away.   
  
“Fell for what?” Matteo asked earnestly, smiling and laughing carelessly. “I wasn’t even trying to get the plan out of you! I gave that up a long time ago.”  
  
“Oh really?” David said, voice low and serious, but a different kind of serious. The kind of serious that made chills run up and down Matteo’s spine.   
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said, the last of his laughs falling from his lips as David moved his chair closer to Matteo. Their knees bumped together.  
  
“Fair enough,” David said, pressing his knee to Matteo’s lower thigh, looking up at him with alluring eyes. “After all, I gave up keeping my guard up around you.”   
  
“Clearly,” Matteo said absentmindedly as he slid forward in his chair, moving closer to David, their legs still touching. “Since you basically just blurted out what your plans are.”   
  
“I guess you just have that effect on me,” David said, inching forward, his hand coming up to rest on Matteo’s mid-back.  
  
“Yeah, I get it,” Matteo said, heart beating out of his chest as he looked down and reached for David’s other hand as it rested on David’s thigh. He didn’t quite know how to grab it from the angle he was coming from, so he just gently placed his hand on top of David’s as he said, “I mean, falling in love makes you do crazy things.”  
  
Matteo fluttered his eyes up to meet David’s and saw him staring back at him, lips parted and face full of wonder.   
  
“Are you insinuating that I’m falling in love with you?” David asked, just a bit smug, but mostly bursting with tenderness.  
  
“Oh, shit, I mean, fuck,” Matteo said, looking down, wishing it wasn’t so hard for him to say the things he wanted to say. He didn’t want to do anything to ruin this moment, but he felt David’s hand moving out from under his hand. “I was just trying to say that I’m falling in love with you.”   
  
“Matteo,” David said firmly and softly as Matteo felt David’s hand lifting his chin. Matteo met David’s eyes, and he somehow felt breathless and safe all at once. “It’s okay. I am falling in love with you.”   
  
“Really?” Matteo asked, eyes softening and smiling sweetly.   
  
“Of course I am,” David said, brushing the back of his fingers across Matteo’s cheek. “I know it seems wild, me, an anti-monarchy revolutionary, falling for you, the very king I committed treason against but—”  
  
“But that isn’t who we really are,” Matteo finished for him, gripping tighter at David’s thigh as his hand rested there.   
  
“Exactly,” David said. “I may be in this cell and you may be wearing your crown literally right now—”  
  
“Wait, shit, am I?” Matteo asked, breaking the moment a little bit, but David just smiled wide and laughed his soft, affectionate laugh. “I meant to take that off before I came down here,” Matteo said, removing his hand from David’s thigh so he could lift his crown from his head and set it on the table next to David’s paint set. “Okay,” Matteo said, turning back to David’s eyes and putting his hand on David’s shoulder. “Where were we?”  
  
“I think you were about to kiss me,” David said, eyes sparkling.  
  
“Right,” Matteo said energetically, as he broke into a smile. As he leaned forward, he lifted his other to rest on the small of David’s back.   
  
David dropped his hand around to Matteo’s waist and with his other hand still firmly on Matteo’s cheek, he pulled him in, closing his eyes as their faces came closer and closer. Matteo, too, closed his eyes, heart beating fast as everything around him turned to slow motion.  
  
Just as he felt David's nose brush against his, he heard what he had decided was his least favorite sound; the metal door opening.   
  
Frustrated beyond belief at what the sound meant and the way David’s hand fell from his face as he recoiled away from their impending kiss, Matteo dropped his head onto David’s shoulder.   
  
“Holy fuck,” he muttered into David, irritated. He was so ready to kiss David— to throw away all of his fighting, ditch his shame, stop holding back and just dive in. He didn’t care if whoever was coming in through the door saw them entangled together, hands all over each other with Matteo’s head pressing deep into the crook of David’s shoulder. He was so over pretending, and all he wanted to do was kiss the guy who he was falling in love with and who was falling in love with him.   
  
But, from the way David poked into Matteo’s sides and pushed him away, it seemed David didn’t share Matteo’s shameless sentiment.   
  
Matteo lifted his head, looking extremely disappointed and just plain exhausted as he saw a visibly nervous David mouthing, “get up” as he leaned back in his chair, away from Matteo.   
  
Then Matteo turned his head to see Sara.   
  
Sara.   
  
She was the worst possible person to come down and see Matteo moments away from kissing David, the only one Matteo didn’t want to be caught by.  
  
Jonas knew Matteo was gay. Amira knew Matteo had fallen for David. Hanna would have been confused, maybe a little sad that he hadn’t told her, but she would have been fine. Hans probably would have been surprised, but he wasn’t a judgmental person. Even Lieutenant Adamczyk would have been better; he would have been enraged, but at least Matteo would get a satisfaction from sticking it to him.   
  
But Sara.   
  
Sara who had asked him, _“Don’t you know how they always talk about finding that other person who completes you?”_ Sara who had told him _“I think we could be that for each other.”_ Sara who had assured him that _“This isn’t just about becoming queen for me”_  
  
Matteo hadn’t felt very bad for her then but now, untangling himself from David and standing up as he looked at her standing on the other side of the bars, nervously holding her hands and trying to put on a brave face, Matteo felt the guilt.   
  
“Um, hi,” Matteo said once he was on his feet, feeling his cheeks burning for an entity different reason than they had been just moments before.   
  
“Sorry to interrupt, I just,” Sara started. Her face said she was fine, but even Matteo could tell her voice was screaming out that she was overwhelmed, shocked, hurt.  
  
Matteo tried to tell himself that there was a chance she didn’t even know what she had seen or that she hadn’t a chance to process it yet. Or that maybe she didn’t even really see anything. They hadn’t even kissed, after all.  
  
_But we were close enough to kissing to hurt Sara. We’ve been close enough to hurt Sara from day one. Shit._  
  
“No, no, no, it’s fine,” Matteo interrupted her, kicking himself for doing another guilt worthy thing, not that cheating on your future queen and cutting off her sentence were the same thing. _Is it even cheating? Were Sara and I even really together? What are the rules of this royal courtship thing?_  
  
“Um, yeah, okay,” Sara said. “Hans just told me you were down here, and that I could come get you for tonight.” She stopped, looking at Matteo expectantly, but he had no idea what she was talking about. “We’re having dinner with the consulate from Uphorith. He’ll be arriving any minute now.”   
  
“Oh, shit, right, that,” Matteo said, stumbling over his words and looking around the cell desperately as he ran his hand through his hair. He caught a glimpse of David, sitting right where he had left him. He looked almost unaffected. Almost. But Matteo didn’t dare linger on him. He was too afraid to see the hurt that was most certainly settling into David; hurt from being interrupted again, hurt from being a poorly kept secret, hurt from being left behind. As much as Matteo didn’t want to leave, he had to. He had a role to play; king. “Okay, let’s go,” Matteo finally said.   
  
As Matteo walked towards Sara, he could feel every movement of his legs below him. His feet touched the ground, step after step, and he felt the heat rising from the dingy floor as it ran up through his body.   
  
He hated every second of it. It wasn’t electric. It wasn’t empowering. It wasn’t exhilarating. It was like being cooked alive, burned from the ground up. It made his steps heavy. He wanted to forget he had a body. He wanted to forget he was in a room. It was just too much.   
  
“Matteo?”   
  
It was David’s voice, twinged with painful affection, and it pulled Matteo out of the fire just enough for him to be able to turn his head around to see David behind him.   
  
“You forgot these,” David said quietly once he had Matteo’s attention. In his hands were the keys, David’s paint set, and Matteo’s crown.   
  
Matteo looked down to his full hands, and back up to David’s eyes. He looked so heartbreakingly neutral.   
  
“Thanks,” Matteo said, lifting his arms to David. He grabbed the crown and gingerly placed it back on his head. It was heavy and sickening as it settled into his hair. He reached out to David again, and their hands brushed against each other as Matteo took the paint set and keys. Matteo hoped his eyes spoke what he couldn’t say. _I’m sorry. I’ll be back. Please don’t stop trusting me._  
  
Moments later, on the other side of the metal door, Sara asked Matteo if he had been able to get the plan out of David.   
  
He said no.   
  
— — —  
  
David had not been surprised when they got interrupted yet again. It was just the way of the world in the dungeon, and as frustrating as it was, a little part of him wasn’t mad. He wanted to kiss Matteo, he really did. He wanted to kiss him and hold him and never let him go and be with him in the profoundest sense.  
  
But at the same time, every time someone walked in through that cursed metal door, David was reminded of how absurd the situation was. A little part of him couldn’t help but think that it was good that they had been stopped, because they didn’t make sense. They weren’t logical.   
  
And yet, when Matteo was sitting across from him, close and touching, telling him that he was falling love with him, David knew that he felt the same way, and nothing could stop him from saying it back. Nothing could stop him from slyly telling Matteo to kiss him, because he wanted it and David was tired of keeping himself at an arm's distance from the things he wanted, the things that didn’t fit into the grand plan that he had created for himself. This was his life, and he wanted to kiss the king of Florenzia because he was falling in love with his goofy smile, his sweet soul and the light inside of him that had been dim for years but was just starting to shine again.  
  
David had to keep reminding himself how bad he wanted it and how right it felt because that evil little voice that David had worked on silencing was still fighting to be heard. But David just kept telling himself that the only thing that would stop him from kissing Matteo was if Matteo stopped wanting him.   
  
David was fairly sure that wasn’t going to happen, but there was always that sliver of a chance that Matteo would change his mind. David could think of a good handful of reasons that Matteo would change his mind, but he didn’t let himself dwell on them.  
  
The one thing he did let himself dwell on was the fact that it had been over a day since he had seen him. David knew Matteo was busy with all his stupid kingly duties, but it was still hard. By the count of David’s internal clock, the last time it had taken Matteo this long to come down to see him, he had visited his mother and had been shattered afterwards. David so severely hoped that Matteo hadn’t had another hard day like that. He wanted Matteo to be happy.   
  
_I want to make Matteo happy,_ David thought as he pressed his head against the wall behind him and looked up to the ceiling. He was sitting on the ground by the table, legs pulled up to his chest, trying to remind himself that he too deserved to be happy, that being with Matteo wasn’t a terrible idea, and that he just had to trust him. _He’ll come down here eventually._   
  
And, as if on cue, David heard a noise, but it wasn’t the metal door.   
  
David looked straight ahead as he heard scratching against the floor and saw part of the wall across from the cell opening up. David got up slowly, unsure of exactly what was happening, countless possibilities running through his head. But then he saw Matteo pushing open what must have been a secret door.   
  
David didn’t have a chance to greet him, because as soon as Matteo opened the door enough to be seen, he started talking, a million miles a minute.  
  
“Okay, so this morning I made sure the guards’ schedules got messed up, so there shouldn’t be a guard on post out there,” Matteo said, pushing all the way through the door. He turned to half-heartedly close it, but left it askew as he went to grab the keys from the wall. “Amira is fast asleep and will be for a while because she had a long day visiting the academy. Jonas is out staying at Hanna’s because I told him he needed to spend more time on his personal life. Oops, shit,” Matteo said as he dropped the keys a step away from the bars. David laughed to himself affectionately as he stood watching Matteo from the middle of the cell. Matteo bent down to pick up the keys, and continued talking up a storm as he fumbled to get them into the lock. “Lieutenant Adamczyk had actually already scheduled to be home with his wife and Sara tonight, so no worries there. I told Hans I was exhausted and not to bother me no matter what.” When Matteo got the door open, he left the keys in the lock and swung it open carelessly. He walked into the cell as he said, “Then, I waited for a bit after he left my room and snuck down the secret, back stairs. So,” Matteo paused, taking a deep breath as he stopped to stand right in front of David, looking him directly in the eyes. “Can we please kiss now?”  
  
David stood stunned for a split second, lips parted, overcome with how truly amazing Matteo was. He hadn’t changed his mind. He had waited this long so that their first kiss could be absolutely perfect. Matteo wanted this to be perfect. And David did too.  
  
So, without any more thought, David stepped forward, lifted one hand to pull Matteo in by the back of his neck, and kissed him.   
  
The kiss was delicate, but there was so much passion and relief in the way their lips fit together. David couldn’t help the way his fingers laced up the back of Matteo’s head as he tightened his grip in his hair, pulling him even closer.   
  
Matteo smiled into the kiss, stepping forward himself so he and David were nearly chest to chest. Matteo kissed him back as his hands found their way up to David’s face. One hand rested on his cheek, the tips of his fingers ghosting over David’s ear. The other hand snaked around David’s neck, and when it grazed across the hairs at the nape of his neck, David felt chills down his spine.   
  
He already felt so alive, Matteo’s lips on his, just as soft as he had imagined they would be. The way Matteo’s hands explored his face and hair was beautiful in a way he hadn’t expected, a way that made him feel cherished and treasured.  
  
David brought the hand that wasn’t tangled in Matteo’s hair to the middle of his back, and pulled him in even closer. He wanted to feel as connected as humanly possible. Matteo was intoxicating and there was nothing more he wanted than to intensify their intimacy.  
  
David turned his head, leaning forward to deepen the kiss and the closeness between them. Matteo must have been caught off guard by the move, because he stumbled backwards, losing his balance.   
  
Not missing a beat, David brought both of his hands down to Matteo’s lower back to steady him. David pulled away from the kiss, eyes still closed, and rested his forehead against Matteo’s. David smiled breathlessly as Matteo laced his hands together behind David’s neck and tried to catch his own breath.  
  
“Sorry,” David said softly, surprised at how a light giggle escaped his lips as he spoke. “I got a little excited.”  
  
David opened his eyes just a bit and saw Matteo’s cheeks were flushed. He was looking at David with such a gorgeous mix of satisfaction and desire that David felt his own cheeks burning just a little.  
  
“No, no, I, um,” Matteo started, stumbling over words in a way that was as endearing as ever. “I really liked that,” he finally said, and David pressed his fingers into Matteo’s back as he smiled wider.   
  
They stood there for a moment, holding on to each other, foreheads resting together, drinking in the moment, but David’s mind was moving fast, as always. This time, though, David’s mind was kind and only full of ideas to make this experience better than it already was.  
  
— — —  
  
Matteo’s eyes were only half-open as he took in a few deep breaths and let them out slowly, overwhelmed by how beautiful David was in front of him with his rosy cheeks and long, dark eyelashes. It felt so amazing to be this close to David, held comfortably in his arms.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes fully when he felt David’s hands slowing moving up and down his back. Suddenly, a smirk developed on David’s lips and there was a sparkle in his eye.  
  
Matteo smiled at him, as he tightened his grip around David’s neck, his fingers pulling through the hair there. “What?” he asked, warmly  
  
“I have an idea,” David said eagerly.  
  
“Well, yeah, obviously,” Matteo said, turning his head to affectionately nuzzle his forehead against David’s.  
  
“You trust me, right?” David asked, low and serious, hands dropping to Matteo’s hips.   
  
Matteo was so focused on the way David touched him so firmly, yet so carefully, that all he could do was nod against David’s forehead, biting his lip.  
  
Before he even knew what was happening, David was moving. Hands unwavering from Matteo’s hips, David turned Matteo around with him. Matteo let it happen, feeling a bit swept off his feet as he grasped harder at David’s neck for support. He realized that his feet probably had left the group as David spun them around, positioning them so they stood inverse to how they had stood just moments before.  
  
Matteo didn’t have time to think about it, though, because just as his feet settled on the ground again, David started walking forward, directing Matteo back with his steps. Matteo did his best to keep up, but thankful, it wasn’t hard with David guiding him. It wasn’t long before Matteo felt the wall behind him. David gently pressed Matteo up against it, and Matteo followed his lead, leaning all of his weight against the wall as David continued forward, getting closer and closer.   
  
As his head gently hit the wall, Matteo smiled, closing his eyes, ready for David to kiss him again. But nothing happened. All he heard was David breathing, mere inches from his face. Matteo just stood there waiting for his kiss. He loved how David knew how to take the lead and wasn’t afraid to assert himself, but that didn’t seem to be the case this time. Instead of letting his anxiety set in, Matteo decided he would have to take matters into his own hands.   
  
Matteo moved one hand away from David’s neck and down to his cheek, before leaning forward to bring their lips together. David opened his mouth a little wider as he kissed him back, and pushed Matteo’s head back against the wall as he leaned into him.   
  
Matteo loved the way David’s hands stayed firm on his hips, occasionally dragging his fingers back and forth. It was so comforting. He felt so safe and surrounded. Between the sturdy wall behind him and the way David’s presence wrapped around him, Matteo felt secure, like nothing could harm him, not even the thoughts in his head or the feelings in his own body. David had a way of calming the storm that lived inside Matteo with his robust, powerful and authoritative energy. David was just what Matteo needed, so he kissed harder.  
  
Using the hand he still had on David’s neck, Matteo got David to turn his head and deepen the kiss, just like before, only this time Matteo was ready and stable.  
  
David and Matteo feel into a rhythm, kissing gently and soulfully, then deepening the kiss, before slowing back down as they breathed between kisses. It was beautiful, and Matteo never wanted it to stop.   
  
But then, David’s hands lifted, and Matteo panicked at the presence of absence on his hips. Before he could open his eyes or break the kiss in a flurry of fear, he felt David’s hands again, this time cupping his face tenderly. Matteo couldn’t help but smile against David’s lips.   
  
David pressed one gentle, deliberate kiss to Matteo’s lips, then pushed his forehead against Matteo’s as he pulled away.  
  
“So, this is okay?” David whispered, his nose brushing against Matteo’s.   
  
“More than okay,” Matteo whispered back, eyes still closed and head still floaty. He felt himself grounding back down to earth, though, as he realized why David hadn’t immediately kissed him after pushing him against the wall. _He wanted to make sure I was okay._ Matteo blushed deeper and opened his eyes to see David staring at him, hopeful and patient. “It’s so okay, David,” Matteo said, bringing his hands up to hold David’s cheeks, mirroring him. Matteo kissed him again, simple and short, before leaning back with a smile and saying, “I have shit balance.”  
  
“I’ve noticed,” David said, with a soft laugh, tucking a few stray hairs behind Matteo’s ear, and letting his hand glide down to his shoulder as his eyes fell to Matteo’s lips.   
  
Matteo titled his head fondly and leaned forward to capture David’s lips in another kiss, quickly deepening it as he titled down into David’s mouth. David responded passionately, biting a little on Matteo’s lower lip. It was mild and didn’t last long, but it made Matteo feel even more electric than he thought possible.   
  
He continued to kiss David, leaning further and further into David’s space, nearly abandoning the wall behind him, until David laughed a little into Matteo’s mouth, and mumbled against his lips, “It sure is a good thing you like being thrown against walls, then, Mr. Shit Balance.”  
  
“David,” Matteo whined, pulling back from his lips and pushing David’s face to the side as he collapsed back into the wall. He opened his eyes as his head bumped against the wall, and saw David smiling with a satisfied glimmer in his eyes as he turned back to look at Matteo again. “Good lord,” Matteo mumbled because he just had to bring his hands back up to David’s face and pull him in again.   
  
David wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist and pulled him closer as they kissed, Matteo’s hands firm on David’s face. Matteo had never felt happier in his life, and he looked forward to all the possible moments in his future that could make him this happy, maybe even happier.   
  
The thought of the future brought him back down to earth a bit, still a little high on David but starting to remember that for once in his life he had formulated a plan.   
  
Matteo smiled against David’s lips, dropping his hands to rest on David’s shoulders. Matteo pulled back, hesitantly, biting his lower lip as he did. “Okay, we should get out of here.”  
  
“What?” David said, pulling back from him as well, confusion clear in his voice and the way he tilted his head as he stared into Matteo’s eyes.   
  
“Oh, right,” Matteo said, chuckling at himself for forgetting that David couldn’t literally read his mind. It just felt like it so much of the time. “Will you come up to my room with me?”  
  
Something shifted on David’s face, and Matteo didn’t like it one bit. “Matteo…” David said achingly darting his eyes away, then back to Matteo. He looked at him with so much anguish that Matteo’s stomach dropped, and he felt himself start to get a little dizzy.   
  
“Are you saying no?” He asked, anxiety pouring into his small, scared voice.   
  
“No, god, no,” David said quickly, tugging Matteo’s body closer, his face immediately shifting back to thoughtful and affectionate. “Of course I am saying yes,” David said softly. He leaned forward and pecked his lips. Matteo felt better, but still a little shaken, and he could tell that David knew that. David brought one of his hands up to Matteo’s face, brushing his messy hair out of his eyes. “I guess I just never really thought of that as an option.”  
  
Matteo cracked a sad smile, as he began to understand a little bit of what was plaguing David’s mind. He wanted to do anything and everything to rid David of all the pain he was feeling, all the insecurity he had. Matteo wanted to make him feel as safe as David made him feel.   
  
“It’s an option, David,” Matteo said intensely, running his thumb across David’s cheek as David closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. “I told you— I trust you. So much.” David nodded somberly, looking down. A beat later, Matteo smiled, a little lopsided, and took it upon himself to bring them back up from the depths. “Plus, I am not spending another night on the ground here. Not when I have the best bed in the whole kingdom right upstairs.”  
  
David chuckled down at their feet, opening his eyes. He looked back up at Matteo, tilting his head. “Well, then,” he said a little dramatically, dropping his arms from Matteo and stepping back. “Lead the way.”   
  
Matteo smiled, pushing himself off the wall and reaching out to find David’s hand. He was a little distracted— too focused on watching David stare at him with an exorbitant amount of fondness and suaveness— so he missed, pushing his hand towards empty air.   
  
Without even needing to look down, David grabbed Matteo’s hand. They worked together to interlace their fingers, eyes still locked together, until it was too much, and Matteo had to look away. He cast his eyes on their hands, settling connected between them. When he looked up, he saw that David had been glancing at their hands too. David looked up again, and Matteo felt himself beaming.   
  
David tugged a little on Matteo’s hand, and Matteo remembered that they had somewhere to be. Too awestruck for words, Matteo just started walking, pulling David behind him as they left the cell and started up the secret staircase together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 9— The Brightest Night


	9. The Brightest Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> Hope you are all doing well! This chapter is a bit on the long side, so let’s just dive right in! 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Happy reading!

As David’s feet pounded against the stone steps beneath him, he felt overwhelmed in the best possible way. It was beautiful to feel so free after so long of being trapped, and not just by the rusty metal bars of his cell. For the first time, he felt like the teenager he never got to be, giggling up stairs to go make out with the guy he was falling in love with. David couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the life he was supposed to be living as he looked up at Matteo leaping up the stairs, his steps as light as the giggle that escaped from his perfect lips.   
  
_Matteo._ Matteo and those perfect lips that he was now allowed to kiss. For so long and for so many reasons, Matteo was out of reach, but now the floodgates had been opened and the wicked voice inside David’s head was as quiet as it had ever been. David would be damned if he wasn’t going to take full advantage of that combination.  
  
David reached up to Matteo, who had just gotten to yet another landing, and grabbed his shoulder, keeping him in place but careful not to pull him backwards into the steps. As David made it up to the landing, he felt Matteo starting to turn around, and with his firm grip on Matteo’s shoulder, he finished the turn for him.  
  
David tugged Matteo towards him and kissed him confidently. Matteo stumbled just a bit, but his off-balanced steps just sent him even closer to David.  
  
David slid his hands down Matteo’s sides, and wrapped his arms around Matteo’s waist, steadying him as he felt Matteo smiling into the kiss. As much as David wanted to deepen the kiss, he couldn’t stop himself from smiling with Matteo. The kiss fell apart from there, if you can even call smiling too wide to kiss falling apart.   
  
“We only have like one more flight of stairs,” Matteo said, pulling back from David’s lips, resting his forehead on David’s. David’s smile grew when he realized how many times they had already done that. “You couldn’t just be a tiny bit patient?” Matteo asked, igniting something in David.  
  
“Oh, I think I’ve been plenty patient,” David said slyly, pushing against Matteo’s forehead, hands roaming down to Matteo’s hips. Everything in David softened, though, when he whispered, “I just couldn’t help myself.”   
  
Matteo didn’t respond with words, but instead with a slight glimmer of satisfaction in his eyes and a bit of an arrogant smirk on his lips that made David’s stomach leap. Matteo was proud of himself. _Why is that the hottest, most touching thing ever?_  
  
David felt Matteo starting to back away, so he let his hands fall from Matteo’s body. Still speechless, Matteo kept eye contact with David, then he turned around to start up the last few steps.  
  
David looked down, shaking his head as he followed Matteo up the stairs.  
  
_How did I ever hate him? Well, that’s easy; I never knew him, really knew him. But now I do and I just want to kiss him again. God, it gets better every time. If that’s gonna be a trend, I can’t wait for the next kiss and the next one and the thousandth one.  
  
There’s never going to be a thousandth kiss, don’t fool yourself. _  
  
David stopped on the last step, stunned to hear the voice in his head making a reappearance. He didn’t want it to be there, not when he was finally living so well without it.   
  
He looked up to see Matteo waiting for him at the top of the staircase, so he ignored the voice and took the final step up. Matteo smiled and pushed against two stones in the wall, to reveal a door, which Matteo walked through. David found his way back to a smile and he followed him into a small ornate corridor. Matteo beelined to a door with golden detailing and leaned against it, facing David as his hand gripped the doorknob.   
  
“Okay,” Matteo said. “You can’t make fun of my room.”  
  
“Why would I do that?” David asked, raising his eyebrows as he stepped closer to Matteo.   
  
“Because it’s just fancy and, I don’t know, it’s not really me,” Matteo said, sighing and squirming a little as he explained. _God, he’s adorable._  
  
“You said you have the best bed in the kingdom,” David said confidently, now only mere inches from Matteo’s face. “That’s all I am really interested in. That, and you.”   
  
That was all it took for Matteo to turn the knob behind him, opening the door and grabbing David’s arm as he stepped backwards into his room. David let Matteo pull him in, and it wasn’t long before they were kissing again.   
  
David wasn’t sure who initiated, but he didn’t care. They moved together, falling into the same rhythm that they had discovered down in the dungeon. David couldn’t believe they hadn’t been kissing like this for years, it just felt so natural and easy. But at the same, it still felt new and electric every time Matteo’s thumb grazed across his cheekbone, every time David’s fingers raked through the soft hairs at the back of Matteo’s head, every time Matteo’s nose bumped against David’s nose and Matteo giggled against his lips.  
  
“David?” Matteo laughed against his mouth, pulling back just a little bit.  
  
“Yeah?” David responded as he shifted to plant soft little kisses on Matteo’s jaw.  
  
“We— oh, that’s nice,” Matteo said, grabbing on to David’s waist with one hand, taking a fistful of his shirt to steady himself. “But, um, damn, David, we gotta close the door.”   
  
David looked up at Matteo as the words settled and he felt Matteo’s hand let go. “Right, the door,” David said, the reminder that they were in a room with a door that needed to be closed bringing him back down to earth.   
  
He took his own hands off of Matteo and turned around to go close the door they had stumbled away from just moments earlier. He almost felt embarrassed that he had let himself get so caught up in things that he had forgotten to close the door behind them.  
  
Only as he walked towards the door did he realize that he had also forgotten they were in a physical space. It wasn’t just David and Matteo kissing in a vacuum, even though it really felt that way. David started to notice little things about Matteo’s bedroom— the pale green wallpaper with golden detailing that matched the gold threads of the rug he was dragging his feet across. So much gold.  
  
But it wasn’t just the physical space that David was reminded of as he closed the door. He was closing the door because they couldn’t afford for anyone to find them there in Matteo’s room kissing like their life depended on it. To the rest of the world and the very real advisors and servants that must not have been too far off, Matteo was the king, David was a lowly criminal and what they were doing together was scandalous. David hated feeling like a scandal. He hated feeling like that beautiful connection between them that made him feel real and valued and trusted was a scandal.  
  
_You shouldn’t be up here. I told you it was wrong._  
  
His hand still on the knob, forehead resting against the door as his thoughts began to alarm him, he heard Matteo from behind him. “What’s wrong?”   
  
David did his best to take in a deep breath, and he let it out louder than he wanted to. “Just thinking,” he said, as he turned around. _Just thinking because I got a little caught up in reality for a second, and I got scared, and I really want to ask you how the hell this is supposed to work. But I also just want to kiss you and forget about all that. So that’s what I am going to do._  
  
David took a few steps forward that he hoped Matteo coded as confident. He firmly put his hands on Matteo’s waist and his lips on Matteo’s lips, then they picked up right where they had left off.   
  
At first, David was only pretending that he was okay. But by the time Matteo’s lips had made it to David’s neck and David found his hands roaming under the hem of Matteo’s shirt, he wasn’t feeling his fear anymore. The voice was silent, and he felt secure in the moment again, confident and happy. David knew it was Matteo; he had a powerful effect on him. He didn’t just help him forget his demons. He was able to make them disappear.   
  
They really did disappear for a while. They were nowhere to be seen when Matteo pulled on David’s arm and mumbled “I hate standing,” against his lips.  
  
“Okay, me too, then,” David whispered back, wrapping his arms around Matteo’s waist.  
  
As David walked them to the bed, Matteo tightened his arms around David’s middle and threw his head into the crook of his neck. Matteo took in a deep breath, and said, “Thank you,” barely audible against his skin.  
  
They collapsed onto the bed together, facing each other as their legs tangled together. David lifted a hand to smooth out Matteo’s unruly hair. “You don’t have to thank me, Matteo.”  
  
David could feel Matteo’s body relax next to him, as Matteo responded, slowly and effortfully. “I just really appreciate…” he trailed off, closing his eyes. He looked so delicate, and David snuggled up close to him on instinct. “So much,” Matteo finally breathed out.  
  
There were a million things David wanted to say to him. _I’m happy when you’re happy. I just want you to be comfortable. I would do anything for you. I wouldn’t want this any other way. We fit together so well, don’t we?_  
  
But he didn’t say anything. He just reached up to kiss him tenderly on the forehead. Matteo brought his hand up to rest on David’s cheek, and David felt warm from the inside out as Matteo pulled him in for a soft kiss.  
  
Even with his strong internal clock, David had no way of knowing how long they laid like that, exchanging gentle kisses as their hands found each other, lacing together, and their hair ruffled from the soft silky pillows beneath their heads.   
  
All David knew was that they stayed like that for a very long time, comforting and holding each other, but after a while, David found himself on top of Matteo. Leaning down to kiss Matteo, he discovered so many ways to show him how much he cared for him; light touches across the cheek, fingers curling through his hair, even a thumb lining his collar bone; kisses to his lips, his jaw, his neck, and eventually, that perfect little spot under his ear that made Matteo’s leg squirm just a little bit, pushing his bent knee into David’s hip, as Matteo gripped at his back. Every second was beautiful, and David wasn’t sure anything would ever feel more right.  
  
There were also moments where David somehow surrendered himself to Matteo and laid under him, letting Matteo straddle him. It was just as beautiful as those moments David got to take the control that Matteo so comfortably gave him as he poured safety and comfort into Matteo’s body. It was simply beautiful in a different way that David had never seen coming.  
  
Moments with Matteo sitting atop his hips, Matteo’s hands never still as they found their home on David’s shoulders and neck and rosy cheeks as they kissed— those moments made David feel suspended in Matteo’s soul. He was surrounded in the essence of Matteo, and he never wanted to be surrounded by anything else. Those moments felt cosmic, like there was something in the constellations of the stars that made their connection possible.   
  
David knew it didn’t make sense. There wasn’t logic, there wasn’t reason. David may have been an artist, but he still believed in the logic of the universe more than anything. That was where the voice came from, at least in part.  
  
_How the hell is it possible to feel this good and seen and taken care of and appreciated?  
  
God, he appreciates me. Like, I don’t believe in destiny, but maybe I do now.  
  
Oh, come on, you’ve always believed in destiny. You just know it isn’t on your side. Never has been, never will. And, seriously, “how is it possible?” Don’t be so thoughtless. You know that it isn’t possible. _  
  
David tried to ignore his thoughts and focus on the way Matteo was lazily kissing the corner of his mouth as he traced David's ear with one hand while his other hand played with David’s curls. It was hard, but it became much easier when Matteo breathed out his name.  
  
“David,” Matteo said, hands steadying on David’s shoulders as he sat up. David kept his eyes closed at first, missing the warmth of his face so close, but then he opened his eyes to the site of Matteo sitting so beautifully on top of him, still a little curved over, his lips red and his eyes pensive.  
  
“Matteo,” David echoed, softly, running his hands up and down Matteo’s back. All thoughts of the impossibility of the moment were gone. “Is everything okay?” he asked when Matteo remained still and silent.   
  
“Definitely,” Matteo said, eyes roaming. He was deep in thought, David could tell. “I just, I mean, this is okay for you, right?” he asked nervously, one hand starting to drag down David’s chest absentmindedly.  
  
“Yeah, of course it is,” David said, circling his thumb on Matteo’s waist in comfort. Matteo remained quiet, eyes still far away. “What are you thinking right now? You can be honest with me.”  
  
“I just never thought any of this was possible,” Matteo said, shaking his head.  
  
“Me neither,” David admitted quietly, but it seemed like Matteo didn’t hear him. If he did, he didn’t take the words in, because his eyes were still distant and he kept talking, getting faster and louder as he went.  
  
“And I never really thought about, like, how to do any of this, and I just want to make sure I’m not doing it wrong,” Matteo said, lifting his hands off of David’s chest as he began to gesture a bit wildly. “And now we are here and we’re doing stuff, but also, like, we aren’t doing stuff, because I am pretty sure that Jonas and Hanna slept together the first time they kissed, but I am not ready for that, because I’ve, like, literally never kissed anyone before today, and now you’re in my bed, and I don’t know what you were expecting or hoping this would be, but it’s probably not this, and I just really, really don’t want to let you down.” Matteo stopped for a moment, but he didn’t take a breath. He just stared at David perplexed and distraught.  
  
David looked back at him, taking in every word, his heart aching. He realized that Matteo had his own nasty little voice in his head that was distracting him from the beauty of their night. The only difference was Matteo was brave enough to share his insecurities. _It’s not brave to share that shit. You keep your walls up for a reason._  
  
“And, and” Matteo continued, frustration and a bit of sadness ripe in his voice, “I’m trying to look at your face right now and figure out what you are thinking, but I am really coming up blank here, David.”  
  
“Matteo, Matteo, breathe,” David said. He banished all his negative thoughts, insistent on using all his energy to soothe Matteo. “Do you want to lie down?”  
  
“Yes, please,” Matteo sighed. David lowered his hands to Matteo’s hips, and carefully guided him down onto the bed next to him.  
  
David started to turn onto his side so they could face each other like they had earlier, but Matteo nestled his head against David’s chest, so David stayed flat on his back. When Matteo settled his head there with his arms curled up against his own chest, David wrapped his arm around Matteo, pulling him closer, and securely holding on to his shoulder.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Matteo whispered. His fingers anxiously clawed at the collar of his shirt.  
  
“You have nothing to apologize for,” David said, bringing a hand up to grab onto Matteo’s restless hands and hold them. Matteo snuggled closer to David, shifting his lower body so he was half on top of him. “Okay, listen,” David said softly, moving his hand from Matteo’s shoulder so he could run his hand loosely through his hair. “You are not doing any of this wrong. At all. You are doing everything so right. And you are not letting me down. I think that might literally be impossible actually.”  
  
“Really?” Matteo asked, craning his neck to look up David’s face.  
  
_He’s been letting you and your people down since day one.  
  
But that’s not him. This is him. And he is the closest to perfect I’ve ever seen.  
  
No, he is not. And, by the way, no one is worth risking this much for. _  
  
“Really,” David said, carrying on without delay. “And if it makes you feel any better, I’ve never exactly kissed anyone either, so this is really new for me too.”  
  
“But you are so good at it, though,” Matteo said, burrowing his face back into David. “You’re too talented at everything, it’s not fair.”  
  
David laughed freely, and said, “You’re pretty good at it yourself.”  
  
“Shut up,” Matteo mumbled. Then, he shifted off David a bit, propping himself up with one hand on his cheekbone, looking down at David as he looked up at him. “So, we can just keep kissing like this and that’s fine with you?”  
  
“That sounds amazing to me,” David said, bringing a hand up to Matteo’s face, encouraging him to come down to meet his lips. As they kissed, simple and reassuring, Matteo shifted so he was lying on top of David, hands holding his face as David’s hands found his lower back again.  
  
After settling there, Matteo lifted his head, rocking his forehead onto David’s. David chased his lips a little before dropping his head back on the pillow and opening his eyes to see Matteo.  
  
“But, someday, right?” Matteo asked. His eyes were serious. “I want to do more someday. And I, uh, I want to do it with you. If that’s okay. I just don’t want into rush this or do anything before we’re ready. And, I mean, it’s okay to wait. We have time.”  
  
_Time? You don’t have time. How could you have time? You’re going to snap out of this. This isn’t you. You don’t fall in love with kings and take care of them and kiss them. You don’t do that with anyone. Because you know what happens when you put too much of your heart on the line. You keep your nose down, you stick to the plan and you fight the good fight. You aren’t made for this sort of thing. So, please, just stop kidding yourself and get the hell out of there. This isn’t written in the stars and you don’t have time._  
  
“Right?” Matteo asked, his need for reassurance so heavy in his voice. “We have time?”  
  
But the reassurance Matteo needed, David couldn’t give him. He wanted to be able to. He wanted to be able to say _we have all the time in the world._ He couldn’t, though, because he didn’t truly believe those words, and the last thing he ever wanted to do was lie to Matteo.  
  
But he also couldn’t tell him the truth; _I don’t know if we have anything but this moment._ He didn’t want to break Matteo’s heart, and he didn’t dare break the moment they were sharing since David was beginning to worry that it might be the only one they would ever have. 

All David could really do was return to what made the most sense.   
  
David gripped tighter to Matteo’s waist and artfully flipped Matteo over so he was underneath him again. He gently placed him back down on the bed, bringing one hand up to make sure his head cradled into the pillow. One hand getting lost in his hair and the other firm on his waist, he watched for a moment as Matteo’s eyes remained closed and his lips turned into a dumbstruck, goofy smile. He was so beautiful, and it was absolutely heartbreaking.  
  
David leaned down and kissed him deeply, hoping that his kiss poured enough reassurance into Matteo for the both of them.   
  
— — —  
  
After David had flipped Matteo over, taking control back in a way that reminded Matteo why David was absolutely perfect and absolutely perfect for him, Matteo realized he could have stayed in his bed with David all night, just letting the time pass in kisses.  
  
But David had eventually pulled his lips away and asked if he could use the bathroom because, “I’m only human, as hard as it is to believe.” Matteo, of course, obliged, with a blush and a smile.  
  
He was actually thankful for the chance to catch his breath for a minute or two as he continued to lie on his bed, the comforter still wrinkled and out of place beneath him.   
  
“I didn’t know they made toilets that fancy,” David said, coming out of the bathroom, hands still a little wet, as he ruffled through the front of his hair.   
  
“They make everything fancy if you are willing to pay for it,” Matteo said wistfully, not moving. He felt so exposed, David there, looking at him lying so freely, one arm resting underneath his head on the pillow while his other hand loosely fiddled with a button on his shirt because it felt wrong for his hand just to be sitting there.   
  
David, though, casually looked away as he stood in the corner by the bathroom, eyes tracking up the bedposts to the canopy, and then around the room as David pushed his hands into his pockets. “I didn’t really get a chance to look around here earlier. It definitely screams—”   
  
“What? Entitled?” Matteo asked, as he watched David slowly pan his eyes over the walls, the paintings Matteo had inherited, the ceiling, the chandler Matteo never turned on, the golden chairs, matching bedside table and the lamp on top of it, which mildly illuminated the whole room. “Pretentious? Out of touch? Extravagant?”   
  
“I was thinking impersonal,” David said.   
  
“Oh,” Matteo said, looking away from David. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed David’s eyes back on him.  
  
“Like the guy who lives here hasn’t had a chance to make it his own because no one is letting him be himself,” he said, taking a few steps towards the bed. “No one is making him feel safe enough to be himself. Powerful enough to be himself.”   
  
Matteo swallowed hard, still watching David stand next to him, but not daring to look him the eye. He knew that there was no one in the world that knew him more intimately than David, but it still rattled him. He wasn’t used to people knowing him.  
  
“Something like that,” Matteo said, feeling even more exposed and visible than before. He sat up, pulled his knees into his chest, and looked over at David, who just smiled down at him, before turning around and walking away.  
  
“You are too cute for your own good,” David said, shaking his head. Matteo wished he could see the look on David’s face in that moment. All Matteo could do was blush, and pivot to sit with his legs hanging off the bed to face where David stood just past the bedside table and window.  
  
“What are these?” he asked, looking directly into the dark mahogany display case that stood against the wall.  
  
“Oh, those are my music boxes,” Matteo said like it was nothing. But David didn’t take it as nothing, because he turned his head back to look at Matteo with a questioning glance that somehow also looked a little bit impressed, like he was holding back that soul barring gummy smile of his. Even just knowing that smile was hiding inside of David made Matteo grin. “And here I thought you just cared about my bed.”   
  
David let a little bit of his smile appear, but he stopped, biting his lower lip as he shook his head and turned back to face the case. “May I?” he asked, composure regained, reaching his hand up the latch, but pausing before he opened it.   
  
“Yeah, go ahead,” Matteo said, and then David opened the glass door of the case. He ran a finger across the shelf, carefully taking in each music box. They were all small enough to fit in the palm of a hand, and each with their own special detailed design and song to sing. “I collected them as a kid,” Matteo said after a few minutes of watching David observe. “Every time my parents would go to another kingdom for work or for holiday, or whatever, they would bring me back a music box. Sometimes I would go on the trips with them and they would let me go to the market and pick one out myself. Like that one, with the red floral pattern?” Mateo could tell David wanted to pick it up, feel it in his hands, hear the music, get the full experience. “You can make it play if you want.”   
  
David nodded slowly, and carefully reached into the case, lightly grabbing the one Matteo had pointed out. _Damn, he is so gentle._ It made Matteo’s heartache even more than it already was. “This one?” David asked once the music box was safely cradled in both his hands.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said, craning his neck to see it. David meticulously turned the little crank, and a tune Matteo hadn’t heard in years softly took over the room. All he could do was close his eyes, and remember a simpler time. A better time, he used to call it, but maybe that wasn’t the best way of describing it anymore.   
  
“It’s beautiful,” David whispered. The music box played out its last few notes, losing speed and sputtering out as it did. Even the messy ending was beautiful. “You picked this one out yourself?”   
  
“Yeah, well, me and Amira. Our families took a trip to Nims together. We were like, six years old, I think. Our parents had meetings all day, so we spent hours with a couple of guards at this big market, all sorts of merchants with all sorts of things to sell.”   
  
“That sounds fun,” David said, listening, but also still in some kind of daze as he continued to stare at the box in his hands.   
  
“Yeah, it was,” Matteo said, longingly. “It was always fun to go and pick them myself. But it was actually way more fun when my parents would come back with one,” he admitted, a little sadly. He looked down at his lap. “It’s been a while since I got a new one.”   
  
David put the music box back in the case, then carefully closed and latched the door “Yeah,” he sighed. It was half like a question, half like he knew exactly what Matteo was saying.  
  
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Matteo said even though he did know. “I guess just over time my parents stopped going on so many trips and then sometimes they would forget, or like my mom would stay home with me while my dad went, and he never brought them back. Made me realize it was just her thinking of me. And then, you know, things got really messy and complicated, and I don’t think I’ve gotten a music box in over two years, maybe. Like, Jonas told me he would get me one for my birthday, but it’s just not the same. It’s a thing with my parents, you know? But that doesn’t stop me from really wanting a new one. Like I wish I could get one, but there just isn’t a way to get them the way I want to get them. It’s so stupid.”  
  
“It’s not stupid,” David said, quickly turning his whole body around to face Matteo.   
  
Matteo looked up at the canopy above him, searching for the words. “Yeah, it’s just that, I guess when you want something so bad, but you know it is scarce, it just makes you want it more.”  
  
“Exactly,” David said, pushing his hands into his pockets again as Matteo looked back at him. But David was just looking down, maybe cracking a bit of a sad smile as he said, “Almost sounds like a universal rule.”  
  
“Almost?”   
  
“Yeah. Almost,” David started, stopping maybe to think, but Matteo figured he already knew exactly what he wanted to say. He just needed a few moments to convince himself to say it. “Doesn’t it also sort of make you want to run for the hills? If you never let yourself have it, then you’ll never miss it when it is gone.”  
  
Matteo looked to the side, and his brow furrowed as he tried to process what David had said, replaying each word until he found a way to make meaning out of them. When he finally did, he looked back to the front and saw that David had stepped closer and was now standing right in front of him.  
  
“I guess that’s logical,” Matteo said, nodding his head slightly. “But…”  
  
“But what?” David asked. He was obviously trying to sound harsh, but the affectionate glow in his eyes gave him away.  
  
Matteo thought for a second, still looking at David. “Life isn’t all about logic,” he said.  
  
“Then what is it about, your majesty?” David asked, a bit of a competitive smirk on his face as his eyebrows raised.   
  
“Ew, don’t call me that,” Matteo said, laughing just a bit. He knew the title was just David’s way of lightening the mood. Or maybe he was trying to throw his competition of his game. Either way, that side of David disappeared after a short, simple laugh.  
  
David sat down next to Matteo on the bed. On instinct, Matteo turned his body ever so slightly so he was facing him. David then took both of Matteo’s hands in his, delicately holding on to them, four hands together as one. He brought Matteo’s hands up to his lips, and placed a gentle kiss on their entangled fingers. As he lifted his lips, he asked, soft and genuine, “What is life about, my dear?”   
  
“Joy,” Matteo said breathlessly. It was the first word that had come to his mind, and something about David and the way chills ran up his arms compelled him to say it without a moment of contemplation. As soon as the word started on his lips, he closed his eyes because he was so overtaken with that very feeling he couldn’t bear to feel anything other than David’s hands on his.   
  
But then he heard David’s voice echo, “Joy?” and he remembered that he wanted to soak up every aspect of this moment, so he opened his eyes and looked straight into David’s as he spoke, taking his time to craft every word as he went.   
  
“Yeah, joy. Finding the people and places and things that make you feel like you are on fire and safe at the same time, and you just can’t stop smiling and you feel beautiful and special and, like, you can actually feel the ground beneath your feet and it doesn’t make you scream because for once in your life, you love feeling connected to things.”   
  
“Wow,” David said, in some kind of awe. Matteo wanted to believe it was the good kind of awe, but he couldn’t totally let go of that anxiety inside.   
  
“What? Is that not a good definition of joy?”  
  
“No, no, it’s perfect,” David said quickly. He let go of one of Matteo’s hands, tightening the remaining grip as he brought his other hand to Matteo’s neck, fingers grazing over his ear as he held him. “You’re perfect.”  
  
“Funny,” Matteo muttered, breaking their eye contact as he looked down. He almost forgot that David’s hand was on his neck and that David was strong enough to lift his head up again. As he slid a few fingers under his chin and did just that, Matteo also remembered that David wasn’t going to let Matteo throw punches at himself anymore.   
  
“Yeah, you’re funny too,” David said, their eyes locked. Matteo’s impulse was to look away again as he blushed, but instead, he did what he actually wanted to do. He leaned forward, towards David who was already starting to lean in as well. They met somewhere in the middle, and Matteo never wanted to stop meeting in the middle with David.   
  
— — —  
  
They kissed like that, sitting on the bed, exchanging slow tender kisses, hands on each other’s faces, for a while, until David couldn’t think anything except _Matteo._ His body, though, wasn’t focused solely on Matteo. His stomach let out a lengthy growl even though he had been telling himself for days that he wasn’t actually hungry.   
  
Matteo shot back from David’s lips, hands still on his face and David sighed a little in frustration. He opened his eyes and softened when he saw Matteo staring down, dumbfounded and amused.   
  
“Was that your stomach?” he asked, looking back up at David with that same dopey facial expression.   
  
David had to stop himself from melting inside as he answered, trying to sound smugger than he felt in that moment. “I haven’t exactly had a real meal recently.”  
  
“Oh my god, I didn’t even think about that,” Matteo said, eyes shifting away. “Shit, that is totally on me.”  
  
“Hey, it’s fine,” David said, turning Matteo’s head back to face him. He didn’t want Matteo to miss the supportive expression he was putting forth, even though that voice in his head was screaming _why are you letting him off the hook?_  
  
“No, it’s not fine. We need to reform the way we treat people in the dungeon,” Matteo said firmly.  
  
David smiled fondly, eyes losing focus as his heart swelled over the fact that Matteo had used a word like reform, and that he actually meant it. He really did want to make things better in Florenzia.   
  
David got a little stuck there, but when he felt Matteo’s hands slip away from his face and noticed him getting up from the bed, he sharpened back into focus.   
  
“Wait, what?” David asked, watching as Matteo turned to face him as he stood a step or two away from the bed.   
  
“It’s late-night snack time,” Matteo said, like it was the most obvious thing ever, smile on his face. “I can totally sneak down to the kitchen and get us food.”  
  
“Isn’t that a bit risky?” David asked, swinging his legs around off the bed so he was sitting facing Matteo. “What if you see someone?   
  
“Pretty much everyone is asleep,” Matteo said, loosely shrugging his shoulders. “And everyone knows that I’m hungry all the time, so midnight trips to the kitchen are not out of character for me.”  
  
“Of course they’re not,” David said. He reached out for Matteo, pulling him in by the waist. Matteo giggled, throwing his head back as he stumbled towards David.   
  
Once David had Matteo standing steady between his legs, Matteo looked down and brought his hands up to the back of David’s head, scratching his fingers through his hair. “Any requests?”   
  
“Anything is better than bread and moldy apples,” David said, fighting the urge to nuzzle his head into Matteo’s torso. It would have been so nice, and it was right there in front of him, but he didn’t.   
  
“That’s what we feed people in the dungeon?” Matteo asked, appalled, his eyes back on the ceiling. “Good god. We need to—”  
  
“Matteo,” David said, as he felt another twinge of hunger. He stood up, and Matteo’s hands fell from his head, but David kept his hands low on Matteo’s waist as he rose to eye level. “As happy as I am to see you thinking about this kind of thing—”   
  
“Right, you’re hungry,” Matteo said quickly, cutting him off, as his hands haphazardly landed on David’s shoulders and he looked right at David. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”   
  
Matteo leaned forward just a bit and kissed David’s cheek. He lingered there for just a moment before pushing at David’s chest as he stepped away with a dorky smile on his lips.   
  
David just smiled back at him as Matteo bounded out of the room and David sat back down on the bed.   
  
As soon as he heard the door close, he dropped his head into his hands and let out a loud sigh, letting go of his happy, confident persona.   
  
David swore to himself that he was happy, he was confident. He really was. Sharing the night with Matteo was more than he ever could have dreamed of. He had spent all those days in the dungeon, contemplating when Matteo would be coming back and wondering if he was ever going to get to kiss him the way his heart was begging for, and they had finally made it. Left alone there in Matteo’s room, he was tempted to smile and maybe even let out an excited “oh my god,” or lie back on Matteo’s bed replaying every moment their lips had been intertwined.  
  
But David couldn’t do that because he wasn't only happy. In fact, maybe he wasn’t happy at all. Can you be happy and terrified at the same time? Profoundly head over heels while simultaneously planning your escape?   
  
_No, no, I am not leaving. I can’t do that to him.  
  
Him? What about you? You can’t stay. You can’t do that to yourself. You have worked too hard to throw everything away over some stupid boy.   
  
He’s not stupid. He’s brilliant, he just doesn’t know it.   
  
Stop defending him. If he was so brilliant, why didn’t he start fixing the problems around here? Making it easier for women to go to school, for people of color to get jobs, for queer people to live full lives, for everyone to have food to eat and water to drink? If he is as amazing as you say he is, why didn’t he stop his father from killing my father? I mean, he is the reason that my life has been so hard, why I have to protect myself at all costs. No one else is going to protect me, so I have to do it myself. I have to do everything my fucking self. _  
  
David stood up from the bed, willing those thoughts to disappear. He shut his eyes tight as he breathed out slowly.   
  
_Find Matteo. Think about Matteo. Not the King of Florenzia or any of that shit. Think about Matteo. My Matteo. The Matteo with the music boxes who said that life was about joy._  
  
David opened his eyes and saw the music boxes in front of him. He started walking towards them, fully intent on investigating as many as he could until Matteo got back with the food he was going out of his way to bring him.   
  
But as he walked, he saw the window out of the corner of his eye, and his stomach dropped as he realized he had to look at it.   
  
He apprehensively walked towards it, stopping right in front. The window wasn’t large, but it certainly wasn’t as small as the window in the dungeon. David could have barely shimmied through that window. But this one? He figured he could easily make it through.   
  
He looked out the window and down. There was a ledge not too far to the right that David knew he could easily jump to from the window. From there, it was really just a matter of carefully climbing down the protruding stones and various ledges until he reached the garden below. David figured he could easily slip through one of the gates as long as there were no guards around. It was risky, but doable, and that combination was David’s specialty.   
  
David looked back at the window itself and saw what he was hoping to find. He ran his hand across the latch at the bottom. Against his better judgment, or perhaps right in line with his better judgment— he really couldn’t tell— he pushed the latch open. He wedged his fingers under the windowpane, and pushed up, opening the window just a few inches.  
  
A cool, crisp gust of air burst through the gap, and sent a terrifyingly real chill down David’s spine. He immediately shoved the window closed again.   
  
He stepped back, hands shaking, his mind racing.   
  
_It’s an option._  
  
David shook his head, turning around, back to the music boxes. But when he arrived there in front of the case, he didn’t move to open the doors. He didn’t trust himself with Matteo’s music boxes anymore. He almost didn’t trust himself with Matteo anymore.   
  
_But I’m not going to. I’m not.  
  
But I am, aren’t I? I have to. _  
  
Then, pulling David away from his soul-crushing realization, was the sound of the door opening and Matteo’s voice, light and carefree.   
  
“Okay, so, my go-to midnight snack is always sandwiches,” Matteo said as he walked in. David turned around to see Matteo struggling to get through the door, precariously holding a tray with two plates and a single glass of water, splashing out left and right. David tried to swallow his heartbreak and dawned a somber, affectionate smile, as he went over to help Matteo. “Well, if I am being totally honest, sandwiches are always my go-to snack no matter what time it is. Meal, too. I mean, pasta is also my best friend, but that takes so long to make. So, I hope you are down for some sandwiches because they are easy and delicious.”   
  
When David reached him, Matteo stopped talking. He was beaming, absolutely glowing, and it just made David feel worse inside.   
  
“Sandwiches sound amazing,” David said longingly. He took the tray out of Matteo’s hands and turned around to carefully set it down on the chest at the end of the bed. He turned back to Matteo and grazed his hands up his neck until his hands gently cupped Matteo’s face. He pulled him in for a kiss because David couldn’t stand the thought of never getting to kiss him again even though he knew that was his fate.   
  
“Is everything okay?” Matteo asked, pulling back and bringing his hands to David’s hips. He looked worried, which was the opposite of how David wanted him to look.   
  
“I’m just happy to have you here with me right now, to be here with you,” David said seriously a moment later. The worry vanished from Matteo’s face as his cheeks grew pink and he smiled brighter. It was ten times brighter than David’s smile even though he was absolutely genuine in feeling beyond thankful for Matteo. But there was a dark side to David’s thankfulness, and it was burning a scar into the inside of his stomach. Or maybe that was the hunger. David liked that idea better. It was much easier to think about. “Let’s eat,” he said, turning away to pick up the tray again and move on.   
  
David and Matteo settled in on the bed. Matteo sat with his upper back against the headboard with the rest of his body sprawled down the bed and David sat next to his feet, legs folded underneath him. The tray stayed in front of David, since Matteo had plucked up his plate as he flopped down.   
  
David picked up the sandwich in front of him, prying the two pieces of toasted bread apart just a little to get a glimpse of the contents. “Matteo, what’s in these?”   
  
“Oh, it’s, umm,” Matteo said, mouth full. He finished chewing and then swallowed before continuing. “Cheese, chili peppers, tomato sauce, pickles and, uh, whipped cream. I should have made yours without that, though. I just didn’t think. Sorry.”  
  
“No, it’s okay,” David said truthfully. “If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for me.”   
  
David took a bite of the sandwich, and he could feel Matteo’s nervous eyes on him. He chewed slowly, considering the texture and flavor combination. It definitely wasn’t something he had ever eaten before, and he couldn’t say he loved it, but it really wasn’t too bad, especially since he hadn’t eaten anything reminiscent of quality food in over a week.   
  
“Do you hate it?” Matteo asked. “I can go back down and—”  
  
“No, I don’t hate it. Thank you for making it for me,” David said sincerely. He paused for a moment before he asked the question burning in his mind. “But what is the story here? Whipped cream on sandwiches?”  
  
“I’ve just always liked weird food, I guess,” Matteo said. David took another bite as Matteo stared down at his sandwich. “I don’t know. I’ve always liked making food for myself more than having the cooks prepare it for me. And I think it’s because they refuse to make the food I really like to eat. They say it isn’t normal. I just started putting whipped cream on my sandwiches a while ago because they aren’t very good without it. No one really gets it, but, I like it, so when I’m alone, I eat it.”  
  
“You’re not alone tonight,” David said smugly. Matteo looked at him, scrunching up his nose a little, and kicked his foot against David’s knee. “Hey!” David called out teasingly, pushing his knee back in playful defense. He heard a bit of water splash out of the glass on the tray, and leaned forward to still the trembling glass. “We better be careful. I don’t want to sleep in a wet bed.”   
  
“I think I experience the world differently than most people,” Matteo said, voice serious, as if he hadn’t even heard David. Maybe he hadn’t. “Like, I eat food that people think is weird. And I don’t like when things are too loud, but no one else ever seems to think it is too loud. And sometimes I feel like I am so connected to my body that I can feel every inch of my skin all at once. But other times it’s like I don’t even exist and the world around me is spinning and I am falling over because, I mean, you’ve seen it, I have shit balance.” David smiled at that, but his face fell serious again as Matteo continued. “Like, sometimes it doesn’t matter. It is super chill sometimes. I mean, I like eating whipped cream sandwiches. It just sucks that people get weird about it. But there is nothing wrong with liking weird food, or, I don’t know, liking really heavy blankets even in the summer. But sometimes, it’s just, I don’t know, it's really painful.”   
  
“Painful?” David asked. Matteo lulled into silence, eyes not leaving his barely eaten sandwich. David was more than halfway through his.   
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said quietly. “Sometimes it gets bad.”  
  
“Can you describe it?” David asked, desperately trying to understand.   
  
“I can try,” Matteo said, but he took a bite of his sandwich. They sat there silent, as Matteo chewed until he was ready to speak again. David had no doubt that his mind was working on overdrive trying to figure out what to say. “It’s like, sometimes, not every time, but sometimes when I get upset or sad or, I don’t know, I guess angry, but that like never happens. But sometimes when that kind of thing happens, it gets bad. Like there’s just too much going on. And it’s not in my head. It’s everything else. Like the floor. And my feet on the floor. And the walls and the things I can hear and see and smell, even. And it’s like everything is really...intense. It’s intense and it’s exhausting and there’s just so much of everything and even my own body, but it doesn’t feel like me. Like, my body feels big, but I feel small. And my head hurts like shit. And I get kind of dizzy sometimes and I just feel weird all over. Like I just want everything to disappear. But it only happens sometimes and sometimes it’s just the headache, dizzy, want to disappear thing. Like when you held me that night after my mom. I wanted everything to just disappear besides you and me. It kind of did, actually. But my head still hurt like shit. Does that make sense?”   
  
Matteo looked up at David, his face pleading for David to understand. David really hoped that he could understand. He wanted to. And it wasn’t that he didn’t. David took in and thought over everything Matteo said, and it all made sense. He just wished he had a word for it. Judging by the way Matteo’s eyes desperately clung to David’s pondering face, it seemed he wanted a word too.   
  
But all David could give him was his closest approximation, an indication that he wasn’t alone, at least not entirely.   
  
“It definitely makes sense,” David said. “It actually kind of reminds me of the way it feels when Laura uses her magic. The overwhelming awareness and the headaches and the dizziness.”  
  
“So, you know how it feels?” Matteo asked, leaning forward a little from the headboard.  
  
“Maybe a little bit, yeah, but,” David said, starting to shake his head. “I don’t think it is the same thing.”   
  
“Right, because yours has a good reason,” Matteo said dejectedly, leaning back, head knocking against the headboard. He took an aggressive bite of his sandwich.   
  
“Well I’m sure there’s a reason, you just don’t know what it is,” David said.   
  
“Yeah, we don’t know shit about how our brains work, do we?” Matteo grumbled. He crossed his arm over his chest as he tossed his half-eaten sandwich back on the plate. “And instead of trying to figure it out, they just toss us aside like we aren’t worth the time.”   
  
“You are worth it, Matteo,” David said. He placed his hand on Matteo’s ankle and gave it a supportive jostle. The corner of Matteo’s mouth turned up in a dim smile. David thought for a second, then lifted his hand to go back to his sandwich. “And so is your mom.”   
  
“I know she is,” Matteo said. David took a hesitant bite of his sandwich as he watched Matteo let out a small, somber laugh. “I love her so much, David. I just really, really miss the way things used to be. I don’t want her to live so far away. I just want my mom back. She is so lively and happy and caring, I know it, but there’s something that’s hiding that part of her. She has to still be in there somewhere. I know she is. I mean, I don’t know if there is anything we can do to make things just like they were before things got bad for her. But, like, maybe if she was here, with me, and we could live our life together, things would be a little bit better.”   
  
“Well then, have her come live here,” David said straightforwardly because Matteo sounded like he wanted a solution. “You can do that, you’re the king.”   
  
“I guess,” Matteo said, picking up his sandwich again and tearing off a bite-size piece. “I should visit her more often. It was so hard, but I think it was just because it was the first time. But it was really good to see her.”  
  
David watched Matteo take a small bite of the piece of sandwich in his hand. He looked so disheartened. Without letting himself think about it, David put the last bite of his sandwich in his mouth. As he chewed, he placed the tray on the ground and picked up Matteo’s plate with his half-eaten sandwich. He settled in next to Matteo, pressing his head against the headboard and wrapping his arm around his shoulders. Matteo leaned into David, as David positioned the plate on his lap.   
  
“What is she like?” David asked. “Tell me about her.”  
  
“She’s a singer,” Matteo responded quickly, and David could hear the smile in his voice again. “She sang me through my childhood. Beautiful voice. And she’s kind. So kind. She could never hurt a soul. She just wants people to be happy. So easy going. She never made me feel like a disappointment. She adored traveling. She loves seafood and her favorite color is light blue.”   
  
“She sounds wonderful,” David said, his fingers rubbing softly across Matteo’s shoulder.   
  
“She is,” Matteo said, quietly. His eyes were closed. David wanted this moment to last forever. “I wish I could ask you about your mom.”   
  
— — —  
  
Matteo almost didn’t admit that— he didn’t want to bring up bad memories— but he really wanted to know more about the woman who had created David that same way his mother had created him.   
  
“Me too,” David sighed, sitting up a little straighter, but his warmth still radiated into Matteo. “I wish I could have gotten to know her.”   
  
“But I’m sure you’ve heard about her,” Matteo said, opening his eyes and so he could look up at David. He looked deep in thought.   
  
“Yeah, Laura remembers her,” he said. His voice was almost at full volume as he continued. “She told me once that our mom was a little scary, but in a good way. The kind of person who could practically kill you with just one look, but only because she loved so hard.”  
  
“Sounds like you didn’t have to know her to become like her,” Matteo said, smiling fondly, thinking about how David was exactly the same. The man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was the most powerful, most compassionate person he had ever met.  
  
David didn’t seem to notice Matteo’s smile though. He removed his arm from Matteo’s shoulders, dropping his hand to his lap next to Matteo’s plate, and continued talking, serious as ever.  
  
“Dad said that she was a warrior, right up until the last minute. My godmother tried to save her, but not even her healing magic was strong enough.”  
  
“Damn,” Matteo said, sitting up a little himself at the sobering reality David was describing. “The list keeps getting longer.”  
  
“What list?” David asked, turning his head to look at Matteo again.   
  
“Things to fix around here,” Matteo said plainly, looking right at David. “We need to stop mothers from dying before they even meet their children.”  
  
“The list has always been long, Matteo,” David said. He sounded sad. Matteo was so used to seeing David angry, but never sad.   
  
“Yeah, I know that now,” Matteo said. A beat later, he shifted his body closer to David’s. He hooked both of his arms around David’s arm and pulled him in. He rested his head on David’s shoulder and hoped that David would start to settle into him. “Do you ever wish you had magic?” He asked, trying to change the subject.   
  
“No. Never,” David answered quickly and shortly.   
  
“Really?” Matteo asked, surprised. Having magic sounded like an amazing way to get through the day.   
  
“Yeah. I was always afraid I was going to have it,” David said, looking straight ahead. Matteo didn’t get it at first, but as David continued, Matteo tightened his grip on David’s arm. He could feel that sadness turning to anger. He wasn’t sure it was any better. “I was so thankful when it didn’t develop. But, damn, they tried everything. And I just sat there, pretty damn sure it wasn’t going to work. But there was this little part of me that just thought ‘it’s going to be there, and you are going to be wrong and they are never going to believe you.’”  
  
“David,” Matteo said, voice a bit shaky. David was so loud, and Matteo hated to admit it, but he was a little scared, and not in a good way.   
  
David took a deep breath, and continued, voice steady and composed again.   
  
“But it was never there. As soon as we had tried everything my godmother knew to try, I told her why nothing ever worked. And she never looked back. Neither did my sister. Actually,” David said, a small chuckle escaping from his lips. “Laura got a little mad at me for not telling them sooner. She said that since I had known I was a boy the whole time that I shouldn’t have wasted all of our godmothers’ time on getting my magic to come in when Laura already had hers and wanted training.”   
  
“Your family sounds amazing,” Matteo said, back at ease, as he nestled further into the crook of David’s neck.   
  
“Yeah, I don’t know what I would do without them,” David said. “Leonie, too. My best friend. I told you about her. Everyone in the crew is like family to me.”  
  
“That’s so nice,” Matteo said. Then he slowed his words as he carefully asked, “So, um, you and Leonie? Never, you know? Or did you at least, like, ever want to?  
  
“Oh, no, Matteo, it’s not like that, never has been. Girls and guys can be just friends, even if they are single. And I literally just said she is like family to me, no,” David said, shaking his head. He paused for a second, taking Matteo’s plate off his lap and setting it on the bedside table. Matteo was about to whine about how he still wanted to finish his sandwich, when David added, nonchalantly. “Plus, she’s a lesbian.”  
  
“Seriously?” Matteo asked, louder than he intended, recoiling back a little in his surprise. “Is everyone in your crew gay?”   
  
“Well, I’m not,” David said, eyes unrelenting as he looked at Matteo.   
  
“Right, right,” Matteo said, shaking his head as he leaned down to return it to David’s shoulder. “I know that, sorry.”  
  
“Thanks,” David said, genuinely, lightly resting his head against Matteo’s. “But, no, I mean, it’s really just the four of us. Which to be fair is 2/3rds of the core group. So, yeah, we’re a pretty queer crew.”   
  
“Wow,” Matteo said. “I had no idea there were so many queer people out there.”  
  
“It’s just a part of life,” David said. For some reason that felt more like a pre-rehearsed line, like something he had said over and over again. Matteo tried to not let it get to him.   
  
“I think I can see that now,” Matteo said. “I mean, I do think I eventually wanna come out, like publicly, but it’s still scary to think about being so open about it, even if there are a lot of us. Because, like, there are still more of them than there are of us.”  
  
“Yeah, and people can be really terrible sometimes,” David responded. His voice was a little quiet and sad again. “There’s a lot of darkness out there.”   
  
Matteo wanted to cheer him up, fix whatever was happening right now, so he threw some enthusiasm in his voice as he said, “And I know now that we have a lot of work to do to start bringing some light. Like, metaphorical light. The kind of light the people really need.”   
  
David remained silent, and Matteo craned his neck to look up at him.   
  
_Is something wrong?_  
  
The David that Matteo knew would have responded with an impressed smirk, with his hand in his hair, telling him he was a faster learner than anyone gave him credit for. But David just looked straight ahead, face mostly blank and unreadable to Matteo.   
  
“Hey, so, why did you move to Clarence City?” Matteo asked, running his hand up and down the arm that he still clung to. _Maybe we just needed to change the subject. Again._ “Was it to be with Laura and Leonie and the rest of your crew? And, wait, when did you move here exactly?”   
  
“Damn, you love questions,” David said. He almost sounded annoyed, but Matteo figured he was reading his tone wrong because David reached his other arm across Matteo’s body, grabbed his far shoulder and cuddled him closer.   
  
Matteo smiled, his head landing in his new favorite spot in the universe, David’s chest. His upper body was half on top of David now, and even though he could feel his spine twisting a little uncomfortably, the way David’s hand trailed down Matteo’s back and stopped at his hips made it all feel okay and so, so worth it.   
  
“I’m just trying to put the work in,” Matteo mumbled through his grin. _See, everything is okay._  
  
“What?” David asked softly, looking down at him with an amused disposition.   
  
“Nothing, go on,” Matteo said mischievously, thinking about Amira for a brief second.  
  
“Well, being with Laura and Leonie was part of it,” David started. This time, his voice stayed level as he drew little circles with his fingers on Matteo’s lower back. “I love my godmother to death, but I missed Laura a lot and after I finished school, I just sort of needed to get out. I needed a fresh start, you know? I had so much history in Karthik. I lost both my parents, my best friend was barely ever around, my sister moved away, I transitioned and people were not always nice about it. It was hard. And I obviously don’t regret the things I’ve been through, but I just realized that I didn’t have to live in a place that reminded me of all that shit and was full of people who had seen me go through the worst of it. So, I came here. I moved in with Laura. Leonie moved in down the street. I made some new friends. Got a job.”  
  
“You have a job?” Matteo asked, sweetly. _I never even thought about that._  
  
“Uh, yeah,” David said, huffing out a little laugh through his nose. “I work at a metal shop with some friends. But I don’t work with the metal. I just help keep the books and stuff.”  
  
“Sounds cool,” Matteo said.  
  
“It’s really not,” David responded, smiling a little. _So humble, god, he’s the best._  
  
“Well, not as cool as leading an underground revolution, of course,” Matteo gushed, glancing up at David. He watched as his lips turned to more of a frown, his eyes casting down, but not to meet Matteo’s.   
  
“That’s not that cool either, honestly,” David said. Matteo’s brow furrowed in worry as he kept on talking, slowly and quietly, like he was just scratching the surface of something painful. “Sure, it was cool to finally find people that wanted me to speak my mind, people who listened and agreed that we had work to do. And I love feeling like I have a purpose on this earth. But, I mean, you know how much it sucks to have the weight of the whole kingdom’s livelihood on your back. It holds you down. Stops you from living the life that you really want.” David paused, then all of a sudden, he was shifting, sitting up and leaning forward, moving his body away from Matteo.  
  
“David?” Matteo asked, catching himself as he fell back to the bed, losing David’s support. He hoisted himself back up, one arm sitting with one arm propping him up.  
  
“Um,” David said, as he brought his knees to his chest. He wasn’t looking back at Matteo, and Matteo was beyond worried. The deeply sad and regretful tone in David’s voice as he continued doubled the knot in Matteo’s stomach. “We should probably get some sleep.”   
  
Something was wrong. Matteo could feel it in his body. His gut was telling him that David wasn’t okay. That things weren’t perfect. They should have been, but they weren’t. There was something eating at David from the inside out. Matteo could tell he was trying so hard not to let it show, but Matteo could feel it.  
  
Matteo didn’t quite know how to put words to what his body was telling him, though, and he certainly didn’t try. It was clear that David didn’t want Matteo to know and that he didn’t want Matteo to ask questions.  
  
And if he was being honest, Matteo didn’t want to know. As much as he cared about David and wanted to crack open his soul to understand every last ounce of him, Matteo didn’t want to have the weight of knowing that something was wrong in this beautiful, perfect moment.  
  
He didn’t want to hurt David by pushing him past his point of comfort, and he didn’t want to hurt himself by ruining the most precious experience Matteo had ever had.  
  
So, he did his best to ignore that feeling in his gut and stop it from running up through his bones to his brain. The ignoring was harder than it used to be, but Matteo hadn’t been out of practice for very long. He could still avoid listening to his body, his body that was never wrong, but he had learned long ago didn’t always deserve a chance to tell him the truth, not when the truth was so painful.  
  
And, after all, old habits die hard, especially when those habits allow you to have a night of blissful ignorance with the most amazing person you’ve ever met.  
  
“Okay,” Matteo said. He felt the knot unravel in his stomach. “It’s gotta be late, nearly morning even.”  
  
“Yeah, we’ve been up for a while,” David said. He turned around to face Matteo, crossing his legs. There was a glimmer of the joyous, tender David from earlier in his eyes, and it made it a lot easier to ignore how drained David looked. “But I’d say it was worth it.”  
  
“So, worth it,” Matteo said. He leaned forward on the bed, legs folding beneath him as he reached out to grab both of David’s hands. As David interlaced their fingers, Matteo tenderly gazed into David’s eyes and happily let his words fall from his lips. “This was amazing. All of this. I mean, the kissing? The kissing is great. But I also just, like, you. You’re amazing. You take my breath away all the goddamn time and you know me so well and I feel so lucky to have you here with me. And I just want to do this night over and over again, you know? Like, I could kiss you and be held by you and listen to you and talk to you forever.”   
  
David fluttered his eyes down, looking at their hands, intertwined and clasped tight. He didn’t let go as he looked back up, and leaned forward, capturing Matteo’s lips in a passionate kiss. It somehow felt like every kiss that had shared that night, but also incredibly different, stronger, like it held more weight for David, some kind of agonizing weight.  
  
But Matteo ignored that weight he felt from David, and just focused on the last word he had said, _“forever.”_ It felt so possible, and Matteo rejoiced at how the light inside of him made him feel so warm and complete as he thought about a future with David. They had this night, but they also had their whole lives in front of them, and Matteo couldn’t wait. This was the turning point in a life that had never felt like his. The turning of the tides started there in that moment, holding tightly to David as they kissed, pouring their souls into each other.  
  
Nothing could ruin the illuminated high that Matteo felt radiating through every ounce of his body.  
  
Not the way that David pulled back from their kiss, untangling one of his hands and caressing Matteo’s cheek as he said, “This has been the best night of my life.”   
  
Not the way Matteo felt the words “me too” get stuck in his throat as David gently laid him down on the bed with the tender strength that could only ever come from David.  
  
Not the way David got out of bed for a brief moment to turn off the lamp on the bedside table, before he climbed back into bed and wrapped his arms tightly around Matteo, pulling him closer than ever before.  
  
Not the way David somberly nuzzled his lips into Matteo’s hair and whispered, “I could hold you forever if the world would let me.”  
  
As long as he had his head pressed to David’s chest and David’s arms embracing him, Matteo truly believed nothing could ever dim the light inside of him, not even the darkness that surrounded them that night as they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I do have to announce that this fic is going on a little one week hiatus. There are a lot of reasons like schoolwork, continuing the rocky transition to online classes, taking care of my mental health, trying to make some headway on the last few chapters of this fic, but also the fact that this is actually the middle of the story and a good place to take a short little break. 
> 
> But, I’m not leaving you totally high and dry! Next Monday, I’ll be posting a completely unrelated one shot that sort of just happened because I had an idea that I couldn’t get out my head…so you can look forward to that next Monday! 
> 
> And then, on Monday, April 16, we’ll see each other again here for Chapter 10— Extinguishing The Sun 
> 
> Much love and take care! :)


	10. Extinguishing The Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> Hope you are all doing well! I know many of us are still recovering from this weekend’s Druck news and that this transition we are facing will be both complex and challenging. But I can promise you two things; The Druck Family will get through this all together and I have no plans to stop writing anytime soon. I hope that the second half of this fic and the fics I have planned for the future will be a nice bit of consistency and solace! 
> 
> This chapter may be a bit on the angsty side, but there is always hope and growth instilled in this story. There will be a happy ending. 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

When David woke up early the next morning, he realized that Matteo had fallen out of his arms overnight. It was no surprise, really; sleep takes the body and mind in strange directions. But even still, the emptiness in his arms and the lightness against his chest felt wrong, almost like he was betraying Matteo somehow.  
  
Matteo, though, looked perfectly comfortable, head resting on the pillow, his arms curled up and hands tucked under his chin. He was facing David, who mirrored him, as they laid there. David cast his eyes down, taking in the way Matteo’s body was stretched out in bed, knees bent a little under the comforter.   
  
_He’s beautiful,_ David caught himself thinking as he closed his eyes and let out a shaky, shallow breath. _You can’t think shit like that anymore._  
  
David opened his eyes and tried not to look at Matteo as he slowly began to sit up. He carefully turned away as he pushed the comforter back and shifted to the edge of the bed. He planted his bare feet on the ground and stopped for a moment before standing up. When he finally stood and turned back to look at Matteo, he saw that Matteo hadn’t moved in the slightest.  
  
As frustrating as it was that Matteo had slipped out of his arms on the night David wanted nothing more than to hold Matteo, David was a tad bit thankful for it. It made it easy for him to get out of bed without distributing Matteo, which would have been disastrous.  
  
Standing up there, David could feel his heart beating fast and his mind racing, though he couldn’t quite pin down any of his thoughts. David was so far into overdrive that he felt like he was on autopilot as he found his feet walking. He didn’t make it very far, though. Eyes cast down, he took a few steps, then turned back and repeated the pattern as he tried to reconcile the ugly feeling of restlessness building up in his stomach.  
  
_This isn’t fucking productive, pacing like this. You’re wasting time and you could wake Matteo._  
  
David knew that it was of the utmost importance that he stay as quiet as possible. The last thing David wanted to do was wake Matteo, for both their sakes.

David didn’t want to wake Matteo up from a sleep that he knew Matteo so desperately needed. He wished that was the only reason, but it wasn’t. If David was being perfectly honest within himself, it wasn’t even his primary reason. David couldn’t get caught. If he did, he would have to have to explain himself. He might end up changing his mind. He would have to see the devastating look on Matteo’s face when he realized that David was leaving.  
  
_Shit, I’m really leaving._  
  
David’s feet stilled as he stopped to stare down at Matteo. It was then that his thoughts finally crystallized and all the noise fell away.  
  
_I am really leaving. I have to._  
  
It broke his heart, and David could almost feel the cracks growing in his chest, the blood spilling into his lungs as it got harder to breathe. But David knew that it was just a feeling and that a feeling was nothing compared to the logic that was pulsing through his head.  
  
_If I stay, everything that I have ever worked for disappears. I cannot be with the king of Florenzia when I was put on this earth to lead the people’s revolution. My job is freedom, justice, and self-determination. Not this. If I stay, I throw away my principles. I throw away my revolution. If I stay, I put myself and my family in danger. The pansexual transgender freak who corrupted the king? I won’t be the next royal scandal. I won’t be killed for that. Kill me for standing up for my beliefs, but I’ll be damned if this is how I go down. I won’t let it be. I have the power here. So, I am going to fucking use it. It’s every man for himself in this world. I have to make sacrifices so that it doesn’t have to be like this for everyone. Someday, it will be possible for two boys like us to fall in love because I am working my ass off to make it possible. But it is not possible for me and Matteo. Destiny just isn’t on my side and it is too late for me. I can live with that as long as it is not too late for everyone else. And if I stay, that possibility disappears. So, I really am leaving._  
  
David let out a deep breath as he felt the pain in his chest subsiding. His shoulders fell back down and his body settled, accepting the fate that he had no way of avoiding. His mind always won. It was admirable that his heart even tried, but David knew it was best not to fight it.  
  
So, David continued to listen to his mind that morning, realizing that before he left, he needed to find his paint set. There was no way he was leaving that castle without it.  
  
David turned away from the bed and started carefully looking around the room, still impossibly quiet. He knew that Matteo had taken the paint set with him after bringing it to him in the dungeon, so David hoped it was somewhere in Matteo’s room. If it wasn’t, he wasn’t even sure where else to look.  
  
After scanning Matteo’s desk and peering under his bed, David moved to the chest at the end of the bed. He squatted in front of it and slowly opened it, wincing at the slight squeaking noises of the old hinges. He glanced up at Matteo, who remained still as ever, then looked down into the chest to see his paint set resting atop the collection of miscellaneous items inside. David quickly went to grab it, but as he picked it up, he noticed that right next to the paint set was the lantern that Matteo had brought with him the night of their first meeting and the night after he had visited his mother.  
  
Eyes stuck on the lantern and the paint set dropping into his lap, David sat down on the ground. After staring for just a moment, David couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and grabbing the lantern.  
  
_What the fuck are you doing?_  
  
David’s only answer for the voice in his head was the sudden twinge in his chest. He fought the feeling of heartbreak and nostalgia as he sat on the floor of Matteo’s bedroom with his lantern in his hands. The reality of that moment was no match for the effort he was putting into not closing his eyes and not wandering back to those nights— Matteo entering the dungeon through what David could only now understand was the secret staircase, Matteo reaching out to him with unprecedented honesty and compassion, the way David couldn’t stop himself from reaching back out with his own truth and kindness and, of course, how natural it all felt, even at the start; then, later, Matteo coming into the private cell after spending a hard but meaningful day with his mother, finally crumbling into David’s arms when he just couldn’t face it all on his own any longer, the sensation of Matteo holding on for dear life and David holding him just as desperately, the honor and privilege David felt because he got to be there for Matteo in that moment, the way it made David forget there was a world out there that didn’t revolve around Matteo.  
  
The memory of the feeling of Matteo in his arms, fingers gentle in his hair and bodies pressed close together, made David realize that he wasn’t being gentle anymore; he was holding on to the lantern entirely too tightly, his fingertips pressed hard against the glass and his palm warming the once cool metal. His eyes refocused on the lantern in his hands, which were turning a bit white at the knuckles from his grip.  
  
David took in a sharp breath as he let go. The lantern loudly clanked down on top of the paint set in his lap.  
  
“Shit,” David muttered, rushing to pick up the lantern as if that would erase the sound it had just made.  
  
David looked up, feeling distress pouring out through his skin, and watched Matteo stir in bed. He stretched out his legs and turned over. He shoved his face into the pillow, his hair ruffling across the fabric as he shook his head and settled down again. David heard Matteo’s breathing slow down again, and it wasn’t long before he was entirely still and asleep again.  
  
David looked down to his lap and let out a silent sigh, but he didn’t feel relieved.  
  
_You leave fingerprints on his glass and disrupt his sleep. You’ll ruin him someday if you stay. You know that he needs someone who can take care of him and be gentle with him and keep him safe and cherish him and treat him how he deserves to be treated; damn good. You know that person isn’t you. He deserves a knight in shining armor. Not someone who has a hot temper and has to be right all the time and causes the people in his life anxiety when he gets too determined and ends up in the fucking dungeon. He deserves someone better than you. You’ll hurt Matteo more if you stay. He needs you to go._  
  
David didn’t believe it, not really. He had come to feel one with the voice in his head telling him to flee for his own sake, but he couldn’t quite let himself believe that Matteo really would be happier moving on and finding someone else to be his king, or even his queen if he still wanted that life of lies.  
  
But David stared at the fingerprints on the glass and felt the blood pulsating hot through his hand. There was enough of him that believed he wasn’t good enough for Matteo that he put the lantern back in the chest, closed the lid, tightened his hand around the handle of his paint set instead and stood up.  
  
He walked confidently over to Matteo’s desk, grabbing a piece of paper from the top drawer but not sitting down in the chair. Instead, he kneeled on the ground, placing the paper in front of him and the paint set to his side. He opened the latches, grabbed his favorite detailing brush, and closed his eyes as he waited for the magical connection to come to life.  
  
But it didn’t.  
  
David’s mind still raced, and the world around him felt more scattered than it ever before. David raised an eyebrow, keeping his eyes closed, and tightened his grip on the paintbrush, trying to will an image to appear in his mind.  
  
Even though David knew his intentions in painting that morning, he couldn’t see anything in his head. Nothing was becoming clear. It was like something was blocking the magic from being able to pull out what his soul was so desperately begging to express.  
  
David finally opened his eyes, glaring at the brush as he loosened his grip. He sighed softly and dipped the brush in black paint. _I’m an artist. I don’t need magic to do this,_ David thought as he tried not to worry; the magic had never failed him before.  
  
Leaning over the paper on the ground, David worked as fast as he could without compromising the quality of the simple painting he was creating. It wasn’t long before it was complete; a simple faceless figure in chains. It was a bit rough and it reminded David of the sketches that had filled up his hardest days in Karthik. He smiled with a bit of nostalgia and pride at the memories of the days that he had forged into something survivable with nothing but his art and his own resolve.  
  
_I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again._  
  
David knew he would have to. He wasn’t stupid. He knew he had let himself have a taste of something so sweet and beautiful, and that it would be hard to go back to living without that. But he knew he could do it. He could do anything he set his mind to.  
  
It was with that spirit that David dipped his brush in the black paint again and wrote a simple message underneath the small painting; “don’t worry about me.”  
  
After closing the paint set, David turned back to the paper and barely pressed a finger to the corner of the figure. It wasn’t totally dry yet, the magic still not present. David pushed away that worry and resigned to just be careful as he transported the painting.   
  
Holding the painting from underneath and the paint set by its handle, David stood up and went back to the chest at the end of the bed. He had seen a satchel bag poking out from the bottom earlier, and figured it would be the perfect solution to allow him to escape through the window with two free hands and his paint set. He hoped Matteo wouldn’t mind him borrowing it.  
  
_Stealing it. You’re stealing it. Really are a criminal. See, he does deserve better.  
  
Yeah, maybe but he will at least be happy to know that I got out safely. He doesn’t want me dead in the garden because I fell out of his window.  
  
At first sure. But eventually, he won’t care whether you are dead or alive. And you won’t care about him either.  
  
I’ll always care about him. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still care about myself. That’s why I’m doing this. It’s for both of us.  
  
But mostly you. Selfish pig. He’s going to hate you.  
  
I thought you wanted me to leave! You just said he should move on!  
  
Should and will are two different things! _  
  
David’s mind continued to war with itself as he placed his paints inside the satchel bag and slung it over his shoulder so it hung across his body, the harsh corner of the wood digging into his hip. The battle inside his head halted when he noticed what looked like a black hooded cloak balled up on the other side of the chest.  
  
He grabbed it, feeling the coarse fabric rub against his fingers. He unfurled it and quickly stood to put it on, knowing that he needed the disguise of the cloak just as much as the mobility of the satchel.   
  
With the cloak fastened around his neck, the hood hanging down his back and the satchel bag hidden by the long stiff fabric, David closed the chest and grabbed his painting. He took a few quiet steps over to the bed where Matteo was lying peacefully facing the window, the bedside table and those damn music boxes.  
  
_Don’t think about them. Don’t think about the Matteo who just wants to be loved and feel the joy that he deserves. Don’t._  
  
As David stood over Matteo, he began to feel his throat tightening in a way he knew only came from holding back tears. He clenched his jaw and looked away.  
  
_Don’t._  
  
David looked down at the painting in his hand, the morning replaying in his head as he took a deep breath.  
  
Drawing on the resolve that had gotten him thrown in the dungeon in the first place David proceeded. He set the painting down on the bedside table and without so much as a glance back at Matteo, he stepped away and planted his feet securely on the ground in front of the window. He swiftly reached out, pushed open the latch and lifted the window pane a few inches. The gust of cool air didn’t spook him this time.  
  
The window stuck a few inches up— David figured it hadn’t been opened in years— but he continued to push up with effort and strength until his path to freedom was completely open.  
  
It was then, looking out at his total freedom for the first time, that David heard the rustling of limbs and sheets from the bed. His breath caught in his throat and his stomach dropped. He wanted to look over to Matteo, but he felt frozen in place.  
  
“David?” Matteo asked, sleepily. David could hear the faint sound of Matteo rubbing his face into the pillow, but it was mostly the way he sweetly hummed and longingly mumbled his name again that softened something in David and gave him the courage to look back at Matteo.  
  
Matteo’s eyes were still closed, but it was clear that he was starting to wake up. He was curled up so adorably there, legs pulled up in the fetal position. He looked so impossibly warm and comfortable. David didn’t think he had ever seen Matteo so content, even with the slight bit of confusion that was clear on his face from the empty bed that was surrounding him.

Matteo brought his hand up to rub his nose and his eyes started to painstakingly open ever so slightly. David felt his feet moving towards Matteo before he even knew was happening.  
  
Standing by the bed, David leaned down a bit and reached out to gently caress his hand across the side of Matteo’s face. Matteo’s eyes closed again as a small, delicate smile appeared on his lips. David couldn’t help but match his smile as he cautiously tangled his fingers in Matteo’s hair.  
  
“It’s going to be okay, Matteo,” David whispered, clinging to that hope for Matteo just as much as for himself. He untangled his fingers and smoothed out Matteo’s hair. His voice broke a little as he said, “Just go back to sleep.”  
  
David stood there for a moment, watching Matteo’s body relax as he slowly lulled back to sleep. He removed his hand as Matteo’s head sunk deeper into the pillow, limp from sleep. His smile didn’t fade, though. It was as radiant as ever.  
  
David felt his heart swelling, and he gave himself once last allowance to listen to his heart just a little. He brought his hand back up to Matteo’s hair, pushing it out of the way as he leaned down. Only then did he press a firm and gentle kiss to his forehead, right above his eyebrow. David’s lips lingered just a bit longer than he knew they should have, but he didn’t care what his mind was saying. This was his last moment, and he wasn’t going to let anything take it from him.  
  
Eventually, though, he stood back up, hands and lips regretfully pulling away from Matteo. As he straightened his back, he got one final look at him, beautiful as ever. David hoped with everything he had that he could remember Matteo like this— gorgeous, peaceful and full of so much joy.  
  
David took one more deep breath, and turned away, back to the open window. He looked out at the city— his city— and nodded his head a little as he raised the hood of the cloak. The fabric settled atop his head, and without another glance back, he hoisted himself up and out the window.  
  
— — —  
  
Matteo woke up slow, and that’s how he knew he was truly happy. Normally, his mornings came abruptly, waking up suddenly from a nightmare or noise or just plain fear. The world would rush in and everything would intensify and grow louder and louder and burn hotter and hotter on his eyes until he knew he was awake and ready for yet another day of frustration and loneliness.  
  
But that morning was different. He felt his body coming back to life gradually, one body part at a time, almost. It wasn’t quite as simple as that, though; it didn’t feel exactly linear. It was more like every inch of his body was awakening at its own pace, taking careful time to rise from its slumber. And yet, Matteo had never felt more whole, more put together. He didn’t feel like he was racing towards an inevitable crash. Instead, he felt like he was sauntering into a new reality.  
  
That new reality was clear from the way the sun streaming through the window was brighter than usual, but not in a bad way. Matteo’s eyelids simply glowed a soft, welcomed red as his mind began to create its first nearly incoherent thought of the day.  
  
_So bright. Wow. It’s all so bright and amazing, and whoa. Hmm. Nice._  
  
At first, it felt like a dream that he was waking up from, but as he began to recognize his body in his bed, he realized that no, this was his real life, he is real, bright life.  
  
_David. Hm. David. Yeah, he’s real. And this is real. He kissed me. And I kissed him back. Because he’s David and I’m Matteo and yeah. We kissed. All night. We kissed all fucking night. He held me and we talked and we just were together and it was here not in that ridiculous dungeon. We spent the whole night together in this bed. Holy shit._  
  
Matteo felt his lips for the first time that morning as they cracked into a smile. Feeling just about all his body awake now, he shifted onto his back, yawning and stretching an arm out meekly before it fell down into his chest as another realization hit him in the form of a memory.   
  
_"I just want to do this night over and over again, you know? Like, I could kiss you and be held by you and listen to you and talk to you forever.”  
  
Holy shit, we have forever. My life is about to get ten times better than it ever was. I have David now. Someone—no, not just someone, a guy. I have this amazing guy who wants me and I want him and we have forever in front of us. _  
  
Matteo smiled wider as he envisioned just one part of forever, the nearest forever; marching down the stairs with David and into the dining room, hand in hand, to announce their relationship to everyone in the palace and make it clear that nothing could stop them from being together.  
  
Matteo was so sure that he would feel fireproof in that moment, and even more sure that if anyone tried to give them shit, David would defend them so fiercely.  
  
_And, hell, I might even do the same thing because I feel like I could move a mountain with David by my side. Wait. David. He isn’t by my side right now, is he?_  
  
It was only then that Matteo truly realized that he was alone in his bed. He felt a little silly, his realization coming so late, but he was too busy feeling his stomach beginning to knot up from David’s absence to scold himself for his delayed processing.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes quickly, lifting his head as he felt a little bit of that world crashing feeling. His heart was beating fast with worry as he glanced around the room. Thankfully, though, before he could fall into a deep abyss of anxiety, doubt, and self-hatred, he spotted a piece of paper on his bedside table.  
  
Matteo shifted onto his side, propping himself up on one arm as he reached out for the paper with the other. His fingers were barely close enough to pick it up, but he grabbed it and looked down at it as he brought it into his field of vision.  
  
He looked at the painting on the paper in his hand for a while, processing through everything. It took him a while to even realize that it was a painting of David because he was so hung up on the fact that it was a painting by David.  
  
He was so deeply touched and overwhelmed by the realization that David had painted for him again. It made him feel so loved and alive that David had made art for him a second time. Twice, David had focused his entire being on an image and poured his soul out through his paints for Matteo.  
  
Then, with his pink blush fading, Matteo started to comprehend that the painting was of David kneeling in chains. The sight made his stomach drop, but only a little, because it also made him realize that David was trying to tell him something, which only made that blush rise on his cheeks again.  
  
_He doesn’t just make art for me, he makes art to communicate with me. David Schreibner has things he needs to tell me. Because we’re together. And we get to talk and tell each other things. And he uses art to speak sometimes. How beautiful and amazing and, gah, he’s incredible.  
  
But wait, what is he trying to tell me right now? _  
  
Matteo shook his head a little, sending his mushy thoughts away, and sharpened his focus on the painting to try to glean its secret meaning. It was only then that Matteo noticed the message on the bottom; “don’t worry about me.”  
  
Then it hit Matteo all at once.  
  
_Oh, David isn’t here in my room because he snuck back down to the dungeon before anyone could catch us together._  
  
It all made sense to him.  
  
The chains in the painting matched the kinds of chains they had in the dungeon. Matteo had been able to convince Lieutenant Adamczyk not to use chains on David when he was alone in his cell, but Matteo knew David hadn’t been able to avoid the chains altogether.  
  
The message at the bottom was clear too. David didn’t want Matteo to worry about him because he was okay, safe even. Not that the dungeon was all that safe, but all things considered, it was where David was technically supposed to be, so it was the safest place for him to be if he wasn’t with Matteo. Plus, Matteo had no reason to be worried as long as David was still there at the palace.  
  
The final piece of the puzzle was a faint memory that Matteo was starting to remember. It was distant and fuzzy, but he was beginning to have a recollection of David standing up there in his bedroom, looking over him and maybe even smiling. Matteo wasn’t sure if it was even real, maybe just a part of a dream. But thinking about the possibility of David getting out of bed, painting for him and then sneaking out made it seem like the image in his head was actually real.  
  
Sure of what had happened while he was still asleep, Matteo laid back down on the bed, flat on his back. He let out a loud breath, a little startled by his own sound, and hugged the painting to his chest. Feeling the roughness of the brushstrokes and dried paint coming through the thin long sleeves of his white shirt, he continued to process.  
  
_You know, it’s fine. Like, yeah, totally fine. Probably smart actually. Like, we can’t just rush into coming out as a couple. David is right. I mean, are we even a couple? I mean, yes, of course, we are. We are definitely something. But yeah, David is so right. God, he’s always right. He’s so smart. We have to slow down, take our time, do this right.  
  
Oh my god, what did I think was going to happen? We would just waltz down there and boom, happy ending? We still have stuff to work through. Like, it’s complicated. How is this even supposed to work from here? I don’t even really know how we do this. Like, how do we drop the charges against him and will he move into the palace or will he live with Laura still? When do I get to meet Laura? When does he really, like actually get to meet everyone here? And are we going to get married? Oh, fuck, I gotta tell Sara we can’t get married. Yeah, no, if I’m going to get married and rule this kingdom with anyone, it’s going to be David.  
  
Wow, me and David ruling Florenzia together, fixing all the problems— that sounds amazing. But, I mean, I don’t know how it would really work. He probably doesn’t even want the official position of king, but I know he would love to work with us all to fix things. God, this is going to be amazing.  
  
But, yeah, we need to talk about how we are going to do all of this. So, let’s just breathe and try to take it slow this morning. Maybe don’t tell everyone. But that’s going to be hard because I feel like I could just explode with pure joy. Wow, I did it. _  
  
“You did it, Matteo,” he said aloud out into his empty bedroom. He blinked and raised his eyebrows, somehow not expecting to hear his voice. But then as he settled into it, he started laughing. “Fuck, that was weird and cheesy. Just get up and go get breakfast. Oh my god, shut up,” he told himself as he sat up in bed, but his tone was so fond and full of elation.  
  
He was smiling big as his feet hit the ground and he felt like he was walking on air as he turned back to haphazardly throw the comforter back up to the top of the bed in a loose attempt to make his bed. He normally didn’t make his bed or even request that the servants did, but he felt way more energetic than he usually did.  
  
As he started walking away, he realized he had accidentally covered up David’s painting with the comforter, so he quickly turned around and pulled it back. He leaned down the middle of the bed, one foot coming off the ground, and grabbed the painting. He brought it closer to his face, his smile growing impossibly bigger as he thought of David.  
  
“Holy shit, so head over fucking heels,” Matteo said. He shook his head at both the way his heart was doing backflips in his chest and the way he couldn’t seem to keep quiet that morning.  
  
Matteo gave up trying to hold it in, starting to whistle as he placed the painting gently down in the middle of his bed and bounded out of his room, not bothering to remake the bed or even change clothes like he usually would. He didn’t even think about doing those things. All he wanted to do was go downstairs and into the dining room for breakfast.   
  
He got down there in record time, light on his feet and over following with a bubbliness he didn’t know he was capable of. He felt so dorky and goofy, wearing a huge smile as he practically hopped into the dining room, where Jonas and Amira were sitting at the table with Hans standing nearby, thumbing through some documents.   
  
“Good morning!” Matteo called out, prompting them all to look up at him. “Jonas!” Matteo shouted. “Back so soon from Hanna’s?”

“Um, yeah. She had some errands to run around the city this morning,” Jonas said, setting down his mug of coffee. “So, I figured I would come on my own, grab some early breakfast.”

“Okay,” Matteo said, nodding methodically as he took it in and looking at the table, seeing mostly empty plates. “You and Amira are done eating. Did I sleep in?”  
  
“You said you were very tired last night,” Hans said, looking up from his documents. “I wanted to let you sleep as long as possible.”  
  
“You’re the best, Hans,” Matteo said cheerfully, walking farther into the room.  
  
“Well, um, thank you, your highness,” Hans said, a little embarrassed. Matteo just flashed him a smile as he pulled out his chair at the head of the table. “Just doing my job,” Hans continued. “Which speaking of, you don’t have anything on your schedule until lunch with the treasury council in a few hours.”

Matteo nodded a little as he settled in his chair with Amira and Jonas on either side of him. He let out a happy little sigh, and said, “I’m so glad we have so many lunch meetings. You guys were right. I am more likely to come to meetings if there’s food.”

“What is up with you this morning?” Amira asked, eyeing him curiously. “You’re way too peppy for a Matteo who hasn't had breakfast yet.”

“What can I say?” Matteo asked, shrugging his shoulders. “I had a good night.”

“Okay,” Amira said, still a bit dubious, but she was smiling.  
  
“Well, that’s good, I guess,” Jonas said. “It’s good to see you this, um, happy.”  
  
“Happy, invincible, high on life, it’s all the same to me,” Matteo said, laughing, but then he felt a pang of hunger ripple through his stomach. “Do you think the chefs would make me pasta if I asked? Is that weird?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s a little weird,” Jonas said, smiling. “But—”  
  
“But you’re the king,” Amira finished for him.  
  
“Exactly,” Jonas said, grabbing the napkin from his lap and setting it on the table. “I’ll go put the order in.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I am the king,” Matteo echoed. He looked down at the empty place setting in front of him, zoning out a bit as Jonas got up and started to walk away.  
  
_I really am the king, aren’t I? Like, I have power here. And I can use it for good. How cool is that?_  
  
Matteo’s thoughts were interrupted and he was snapped back to reality by the sound of Lieutenant Adamczyk bursting into the dining room in a severely less cheery way than Matteo had just moments earlier.  
  
Matteo looked up and saw Lieutenant Adamczyk standing in the doorway, Jonas just a few steps away, not having reached the door in time to leave. The mood in the room immediately shifted, and the tension was nearly palpable from just Lieutenant Adamczyk's presence and the distressed look on his face. 

“Your highness, I have terrible news,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, voice booming. “David has escaped.”  
  
“What?” Matteo asked, brow furrowing, even though he really wasn’t even processing what Lieutenant Adamczyk was saying.  
  
“He is not in his cell. Or anywhere in the dungeon,” Lieutenant Adamczyk explained.  
  
“Of course he is,” Matteo said, shaking his head, starting to understand but in no way believing it. “He’s down there. He told me.”  
  
“He told you?” Lieutenant Adamczyk asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Matteo froze, words caught in his throat, as he realized he had given himself away. It was that realization mixed with the idea that David wasn’t in his cell that was snaking a sickening feeling up through his body.  
  
“Wait, when were you with David?” Jonas asked. Out of the corner of Matteo’s eye, he could see Jonas looking directly at him, and he didn’t exactly look happy. Matteo didn’t know what he looked like, but it was certainly in the area of confused and unimpressed.  
  
“Matteo—” Amira started, and she sounded a little kinder, a little more like she was putting the pieces together and she wasn’t mad about them. But Matteo couldn’t focus on that.  
  
“Oh my god, you were with him last night,” Jonas interrupted, voice louder than normal and his tone distantly accusatory. “That’s why you’re bouncing off the walls.”  
  
Matteo didn’t have to look up from his lap to know that all the eyes in the room were on him. He could feel them burning through his body. He felt like he was disintegrating, shrinking down to nothing. And yet, he never felt more like he existed, because if he didn’t exist, how could he feel this exposed? The truth was out there like never before, and this was not the coming out moment he had envisioned. He felt like he was being eroded away by fear and loss at the thought.  
  
“David is down there,” Matteo said, loud and sudden. He looked up, but the world around him was starting to blur and he didn’t know if it was from tears or the mere fact that he was feeling way too much to be able to see anything clearly. “David is here. David didn’t go anywhere,” Matteo continued firmly, feeling himself start to shake a bit as his volume increased.  
  
“Your highness,” Hans said, stepping forward and placing a hand on the back of Matteo’s chair.  
  
“No, he is,” Matteo shouted, jumping forward in his chair, the idea of Hans’ hand being that close to him magnifying the vile sensation he could feel pulsating through his body. “He wouldn’t just, no. No. No way. No.”  
  
Matteo shook his head as he continued to mutter his disbelief over and over, each word adding fueling the fire that was burning inside him until he just had to get up and take matters into his own hands.  
  
Matteo pushed his chair back from the table, and got up, forcefully throwing his napkin down onto the table. It hit Jonas’s coffee mug, knocking it over and spilling coffee onto the extravagant table runner that Matteo didn’t give two shits about.  
  
“Matteo, take a breath,” Amira said calmly, standing up as well.  
  
He didn’t look at her. He just raised his hands to his hair, looking at the destruction he had caused as Jonas frantically tried to clean it up. He wanted to shout _I have to get out of here_ — it was replaying in his mind— but he couldn’t get the words out. Instead, he simply started walking away, tripping on his own feet a little before falling into his stride.  
  
He rushed out of the dining room, pushing past Lieutenant Adamczyk, as he heard him call out, “Where are you going?”  
  
Matteo didn’t answer, but he could hear the footsteps behind him. He didn’t even care that Lieutenant Adamczyk was following him or that the rest of the group was no doubt a few steps behind him. He had to see for himself. All he cared about in that moment was David and the shattered feeling in his chest.  
  
With his determined speed, it wasn’t long before he arrived in the dungeon, ignoring the young guard on post and the voices behind him asking him to calm down, breathe and explain what was going on.   
  
He just bounded down the hallway of the dungeon and opened the metal door to the private cell, which felt heavier than normal. It wasn’t surprising to Matteo. Everything was heavier than normal, louder, brighter, stronger. And even with the intensity of the world around him, nothing seemed to add up in Matteo’s mind.  
  
But he couldn’t deny what he saw in front of him when he entered the room; David’s cell was empty. It was just as they had left it the night before, keys in the lock and the cell door ajar. And David was nowhere to be found. He was gone.  
  
“No,” Matteo whispered, David’s absence finally registering fully. He walked up to the bars, grabbing on to them with both hands, desperately in need of something that felt like David, something that could steady him as his legs seemed to fall weak under him. “No.”  
  
“Matteo, I think he’s gone,” Amira said, stepping up to the bars, a few feet away from him.  
  
“Why would he do that?” Matteo asked, hanging his head. “Amira, he was David. He was, he— and I— and we— he told me, he told me that— he had feelings for me too. I mean, Amira, it was the whole fucking night. Why would he just leave?”  
  
“I don’t know, Matteo,” Amira said, softly and sadly. “I’m really sorry.”  
  
Matteo felt his lip quivering just a bit and leaned forward to rest his head on the bars in front of him. His mind was entirely empty, spare the question of why. Matteo wasn’t sure, but maybe the word slipped out from his mouth again. Maybe that is why he heard Jonas' voice loud from behind him, bitter and protective.  
  
“Why would he leave? I know why,” Jonas said. “He is a bad guy who has no business making you fall for him and then deserting you like this. Goddamn it, Matteo, I told you he would hurt you.”  
  
“Jonas,” Amira said warningly. Jonas’ words pierced through Matteo’s chest and rang in his ears.  
  
“No, I’m sorry but this David guy is nothing but trouble,” Jonas said, and somehow Matteo couldn’t take it anymore.  
  
“No, Jonas, you are so wrong,” Matteo said forcefully as he turned around. He continued to surprise himself and everyone in the room as he spoke, barely filtering the words before he said them. Something strong within him was pushing him to be as bold as his pent-up anger necessitated. “David is not nothing but trouble. He is smart and kind and caring and loyal and talented and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You don’t know him at all, not like I do. And, I’m sorry, but the David I know would never do this. Never. He would never, never, leave me like this. The last thing he would ever want to do is hurt me. So, no, no, this is not, nope, sorry, nope.”  
  
“King Matteo,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said condescendingly. The sound of his voice snapped something else inside of Matteo.  
  
“What did you do to him!?” Matteo shouted, feet carrying him away from the bars and towards Lieutenant Adamczyk until he was right in front of him, getting in his face as much as their high difference allowed. “You’ve had it out for him since the very beginning. Before we even caught him painting on the castle walls. You would never shut up about the rascal who was discrediting my name. Well, he deserves to. He deserves to discredit my name when all I do is sit around in this stupid fucking palace and listen to you and your sick ideas and just sign whatever paper you shove in my face. So, what did you do to him?”  
  
“I did nothing to him,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said pointedly. “But he has clearly done something to you,” he said, looking Matteo up and down, judgment pouring out of him.   
  
Matteo could feel the anger inside of him bubbling over, but at the same time, all his capacity for outward rage slipped away. “Fuck this,” he said offhandedly, turning away from Lieutenant Adamczyk.  
  
His steps felt weighty and marked with anger as he walked away, barely hearing the conversation continuing behind him.  
  
“Where do you think you are going?” Lieutenant Adamczyk asked rudely. Matteo just opened the metal door, his grip on the door handle so tight it was almost painful.  
  
“You don’t get to ask him that question,” Amira said strongly. Matteo could feel his face heating up and turning red as he shook his head and walked into the hallway.  
  
Still moving and just on the other side of the closing door, he could hear muffled footsteps and Jonas sneer to Lieutenant Adamczyk, “Don’t follow us.”  
  
He didn’t, but Amira, Jonas, and Hans were just a few steps behind Matteo by the time he reached the staircase. He could hear their voices calling out to him, but it all just sounded like nonsense.  
  
The world was spinning around him, he couldn’t even comprehend his own thoughts and he hated the way the tips of his ears felt like they were on fire. Everything was just too much. But he didn’t let that stop him from hurrying through the castle and up to his room.   
  
When he arrived, he burst through the door and then immediately stopped in the doorway. Everyone behind him awkwardly halted, not expecting him to stop. Matteo hadn’t expected it either. But walking into his room where he had spent the best night of his life with David hit harder than he anticipated.  
  
The memories flashed through Matteo’s frenzied mind; the passionate kisses, the gentle touches, the tender reassurances, the thoughtful conversations, the intelligent musings, the cheerful smiles, the affectionate glances, the whispers about the future, the strong arms around him, the sound night’s sleep. And of course, the painting that laid so innocently on the middle of his bed.  
  
“Hey, Matteo,” Jonas said from behind, breaking him away from his spell of painful nostalgia. “I’m really sorry if I crossed a line down there about David. I just hate to see you like this.”  
  
_I hate feeling like this,_ Matteo thought but he remained silent, swallowing loudly as he looked around the room and back to his friends behind him.  
  
“I am so, so sorry,” Amira said, kindness in her eyes. “I know you didn’t want it to end like this.”  
  
Matteo shook his head, muttering, “No, no, this isn’t how it ends. No way.”  
  
That somehow felt like a challenge to himself, and it sparked something that gave him the energy to keep going. He truly wasn’t ready to accept this as the end. If David had taught him anything it was not to give up, but to work hard and fight for what you believe in. Matteo couldn’t think of anything that he believed in more than him and David.  
  
So, he started moving again, looking around his room feverishly, as if David might be hiding in his desk drawer. He wasn’t, so Matteo abandoned opening and slamming shut drawers. It took him a moment of running his hands through his hair to realize that if David was anywhere, he would be in the bathroom or the closet.  
  
His friends were mostly silent as he searched, but when he entered the bathroom, he could hear their faint voices. He could almost make out what they were saying— his logic and processing skills started to come back into focus. But the wall between them and the way Matteo’s bare feet felt disgustingly cold against the bathroom tile made their words impossible to comprehend.  
  
Matteo didn’t find David anywhere in his bathroom or closet. He hadn’t seriously thought that he would find him there, but nonetheless his heart stung from the loss of whimsical hope that David had a way of instilling in him.  
  
His head hung low as he walked out of the bathroom, trying to think through what could have happened. As soon as he got back into his room and looked right, it hit him.  
  
The window was open. David had left through the window.  
  
“Fuck,” Matteo said, and his friends looked up at him. He didn’t pay them any mind, though, because as soon as the word was out of his mouth, he turned around to go back into the bathroom, and through to his closet. He was on a mission. He knew what he had to do.  
  
He turned the closet light on and rummaged through his clothes until he found what he was looking for; his new cloak, the one made of dark, dark purple velvet and a silky gold inner lining. As a prince, he had received one made of a black fabric that made his skin crawl, burn and itch, but he had been given this new, upgraded cloak when he became king. He was thankful he didn’t have to wear the old one he discarded in the chest at the end of his bed because the thought of being surrounded by the awful fabric was sickening. He didn’t need anything else to make him feel profoundly fucked up. Everything else swirling around him was doing a pretty good job of that already.

He put the cloak on, trying and failing to fasten the button at the top a few times before succeeding and slinging the hood over his head. He was able to take a bit of solace in the comfort of being enclosed in the nice fabric as he stuffed his feet into the first pair of shoes he saw.   
  
He came out of the closet, walked through the bathroom, and into his room where he froze the moment he saw Amira looking down at the painting David had left for him. She had her hands behind her back, staring down at it on the bed, but it still felt so strange to Matteo for anyone else to be seeing it. But not as strange as what he saw when he shifted his eyes over to Jonas.  
  
“Where did you find that?” Matteo asked. He walked feverishly over to where Jonas was standing with one of David’s paintbrushes in his hand.  
  
“It was on the floor,” Jonas said innocently. Matteo forcefully grabbed it from his hand. It felt just plain wrong for Jonas to be holding what Matteo knew was David’s most prized possession and most valuable tool for self-expression. With the paintbrush in his own hand, he started towards the door, but stopped when he heard Jonas turn and ask, “Hey, where are you going?”  
  
“To find David,” Matteo said plainly, looking over his shoulder, straight at Jonas.  
  
“Do you even know where he is?” Amira asked, concerned as she looked up from the painting.  
  
“No, but I’ll find him. I have to,” Matteo said strongly, and then kept on to the doorway. Hans was still standing in the doorframe, teetering between the room and the corridor. As Matteo approached him, he stepped forward and opened his mouth, but Matteo cut him off before he had the chance to speak. “And, no, you are not coming with me. None of you are. I am doing this on my fucking own.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 11— His Light May Lead You Astray


	11. His Light May Lead You Astray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> Please be aware that the end of this chapter does have some descriptions of sensory overload, so be careful if that’s something that might be hard to read. 
> 
> I also do want to thank you all for reading this fic, even when it gets angsty. But if you ever need to step away or wait until the story is complete to read, I absolutely understand. I want you to do what is best for you. <3
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

Fleeing the castle wasn’t just easy for David, it was thrilling. It was grounding. It reminded him of who he was, the city he loved and the role he was born to play. He had never felt more like the version of himself he wanted to be than in those moments, effortlessly and dangerously cascading down the side of the castle, feet landing on the dirt and swift legs carrying him far, far away.

He didn’t run until he had snuck through the garden and shimmed through a metal gate unnoticed by the old, half-asleep guard on post, but once he was on the other side of the wall, he ran like lightning.

With the hood of his cloak draping down onto his face and the extremely dim light of early morning illuminating the path ahead, he wasn’t worried about being recognized. There were hardly even any people out, though a few workers were starting on their day as the sun rose over Clarence City. They didn’t frighten David. Quite the opposite, really. Seeing them out chopping wood and sweeping streets and setting up merchant carts only invigorated him.

Seeing his city coming to life as he raced through it, feet pounding on cobblestone and chest pounding with breath and adrenaline, he felt truly alive and more sure of his decision than he ever thought his heart would allow.

His heart longed for Matteo, but David couldn’t deny that his first love had always been the people of Florenzia. Not the high and the mighty, but the real people who worked hard for their living, kept their nose to the ground to get by and had to fight for their right to exist without suffering. The people like him, like his family, like his dearest friends. His heart yearned to return to those people.  
  
So, he ran and he ran until he recognized the small, undesirable houses on the edge of town, far from the town square and the academy and anything and everything nice. His people lived where no royal would ever dare go, and that made David fill with pride as he slowed his pace to a brisk walk.  
  
He had learned of course that not everyone in that dreaded palace was evil, but that didn’t mean David couldn’t still revel in the fact that he came from nothing and was determined to fight his way to allowing everyone to have everything.

Just being in Clarence City again solidified his choice to leave.

_I have work to do._

David wanted to do that work and there was nothing that was going to stop him from fulfilling his destiny.

_Even if it’s a lonely destiny._  
  
David didn’t even shudder at the voice in his head; he was so used to it. But then, as he approached his home, a softer, gentler voice appeared in his head, one that sounded familiar in a whole different way.

_You’ll never be alone as long as you have your family. They’ll always be there for you._  
  
Matteo hadn’t even said those words to him, but he didn’t have to for David to hear them echo through his mind in the exact way he knew Matteo would say them, sweet and affectionate with a hint of experimental confidence. Matteo really was under his skin, laced through his heart, and despite his best efforts, stuck in his head.  
  
David stopped just shy of the front door to his house, closing his eyes tight and casting away the sound of Matteo. It was a new feeling, having a kind voice in his head. As much as he appreciated it, the pang of sadness at the reminder of all he had sacrificed was too much.

_Someday I’ll be able to hear his voice without breaking down. But not today._

_Yes, today. Walk in there, hug your fucking sister and act like everything is fine because everything is fine._

David shook his head and decided to listen. He knocked on the door, and stepped back, removing the hood from his head and standing tall, ready to assume the position of revolutionary leader and stubbornly loveable little brother.  
  
A few moments later, the door opened and there Laura was, looking at him, stunned with just a touch of cautious excitement.  
  
“David?” she asked, holding on to the door.  
  
“I told you I wouldn’t fuck this up,” David said. He tilted his head with a cocky little smile as Laura broke into a big grin.  
  
“You make it so hard to be heartfelt sometimes, you know that, right?” she said, sarcastically with a bit of laughter. It made David break into his genuine smile, eyes bright and gums on full display. “Oh, screw it, get in here,” Laura said a moment later, stepping back and gesturing for him to come inside.  
  
David walked into the house, and before either one of them could even close the door, Laura pulled him into a hug. She gripped him tight, one arm around his back and the other hugging his neck. He set his chin on her shoulder, closed his eyes and let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. There was very little in the world that made him feel as good as his sister’s hugs. David didn’t let himself think about the other things that made him feel this loved, valued and worth the space he took up in the world.  
  
“I am so glad you are here,” Laura said. She squeezed him tighter and rocked them back and forth, before coming out of the hug a bit to look him in the eye. “Safe. Alive.”  
  
“Me too,” David said, just a bit somber. “I missed you.”  
  
“Damn right you did,” Laura said, smacking his forearm. Then with the same hand, she waved her finger at him chastisingly. “Never pull a stunt like that again, okay?”  
  
David huffed out a laugh, looking down and shaking his head before he looked back up at Laura. “You know I can’t promise that I won’t.”  
  
“Like, I said, so hard,” Laura muttered to herself playfully, letting go of David’s arms and putting her hands on her hips. “I don’t know why I love you sometimes.”  
  
David looked down at his shoes, trying to put on a fake smile. He knew Laura was just messing with him like siblings did, but the words cut deep in a way that he knew she didn’t intend.   
He glanced back up at her, still a bit reserved, and said, “But you do and that’s all that matters.”  
  
“I really do,” she said fondly. David lifted his head fully and saw the earnest look on her face. It made him feel a little more comfortable, a little more secure and a lot less like he was about to run out of air.  
  
“Yeah, well, I love you, too,” he murmured, a bit embarrassed but no less genuine.  
  
“Okay, okay, shut the door and sit down with me so can you tell me everything,” she said, turning around. She walked over to the round dining table where she sat down, looking at David as he pushed the door shut. “How are you even here?  
  
David kept his eyes on the door in front of him, thinking hard. When he landed on a poised answer, he turned around and started walking to the table.  
  
“I had an opportunity,” he said pointedly, then dropped into the chair next to Laura. “And I seized it.”  
  
Laura was silent for a moment, looking at him expectantly. David just stared back at her until she asked, “That’s all you’re going to say?”  
  
“Yeah, I mean,” David said, averting his eyes and repositioning himself in his chair. “There isn’t much to tell.”  
  
“Are you sure about that?” Laura asked knowingly, tilting her head and raising an eyebrow.  
  
David felt his face flushing as he looked straight ahead, unwavering. He willed his cheeks to calm down, but it was no use. Laura had that older sister look on her face, that I-know-you-better-than-you-know-yourself look. She knew. She knew something had happened in the dungeon, and David was fairly certain that she had correctly guessed that it had something to do with the king and feelings that were miles away from disdain. But her understanding didn’t mean that David was going to spill his guts to her. That wasn’t how he did things.  
  
“Yeah,” he finally answered, as emotionless as he could muster. “Nothing to tell. I’m sure.”  
  
“Okay. Never mind, then,” Laura said sadly, leaning back in her chair and looking away.  
  
David shifted his eyes to the side, letting out a small sigh as something itched inside him. “Eventually,” David said before he could comprehend it. “But, I, um, I can’t yet.”  
  
“I understand,” Laura said, turning back to him and placing a hand on David’s as it sat on the table. “Just know that whenever you are ready to talk about what really happened, I’m here.”  
  
“Thank you,” he said quietly with a small smile. “For everything.”  
  
“Of course,” Laura said firmly. “You’re my brother. I love you. End of story.”  
  
David looked down at his lap. He felt just a little on the verge of breaking down, maybe saying something a bit too emotional or revealing. But then he heard the back-door open and jumped a little in his chair as he looked over to see Linn walking in.  
  
“Oh, hi, Linn,” he said, taking a deep breath to calm his flighty nerves and let the unease he was feeling wash away. He looked over to Linn as she put down a bucket of gardening tools by the door. “I didn’t know you were here.”  
  
“Same to you,” she said plainly as she walked into the kitchen to grab a cup of water. She barely even looked mildly surprised to see him sitting there.  
  
“He broke out of the dungeon,” Laura explained, turning to face her girlfriend as she chugged her water. Then Laura glanced back over to David, her mostly harmless, teasing older sister chastisement back in full swing. “Somehow.”  
  
“I have my ways,” David said, smugly, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes sparkled with confidence. If Laura was back, so was he.  
  
“Hardcore,” Linn said to David as she loudly set the cup down on the counter. Then, as she walked up behind Laura, she said to her, “Take the day off work.”   
  
“Really?” Laura asked. She looked up to her as Linn put a hand on the back of Laura’s chair.  
  
“Yeah. Course,” Linn said like it would have been absolutely preposterous for Laura to work on the day her little brother escaped from the dungeon. “I can manage on my own. I’ll head there now.”  
  
Laura smiled big, lifting a hand up to Linn’s check, and lovingly said, “Thanks, babe.”  
  
Linn leaned down and gave Laura a kiss, sweet and domestic. David couldn’t decide if it made him happy for his sister or sad for himself. Or angry for himself. Or just really motivated to make the fact that he would never get to kiss someone like that worth it.  
  
“It was good to see you, David,” Linn said, looking up at David and walking to the front door.  
  
“You too,” David said nonchalantly. But then he turned around in his chair, chasing Linn with his eyes. “Hey, Linn?” he asked, and she turned around, just shy of the door. “Can you spread the word that I’m back? Just to the core group, you know. Tell them to come over on their lunch break or something so we can get things moving again?”  
  
“Are sure you’re ready—” Laura started to ask, but David whipped his head around to look at her with his best dagger eyes. She threw her hands up in surrender and shook her head. “I don’t even know why I asked.”  
  
Looking back and forth between Linn and Laura, David’s voice grew firm and strong, as he spoke. “I’m here, I’m fine, and we have work to do. So, let’s do it.”  
  
———  
  
Matteo knew the rules. The king wasn’t allowed to leave the castle without permission and protection. It was supposed to be dangerous out there for a king.  
  
But Matteo also knew that he would have no adoring subjects at his feet, the person who was public enemy number one was the same person who had held him as he slept the night before and the people Matteo really needed to fear were inside the castle.   
  
So, Matteo decided to break a rule. _What’s the point of following a rule that makes no sense, anyway?_ he thought as he barreled down the stairs, nearly losing his footing several times. He never fell though, and soon he was on the ground floor. He rushed through the hallways to get to the closest door, a back door that let out into an alleyway behind the place, not the garden. He didn’t care that the servants he passed gave him questioning looks or that there was a guard near the door he was bolting to.  
  
“Your majesty,” the guard said as he noticed Matteo and bowed slightly. It was then, hearing his voice and being close enough to see his face, that Matteo recognized him as the young blonde guard who was usually in the dungeon, the one that had been down there earlier that morning.   
  
Before Matteo could think of what to say or do to get himself through the door, the guard silently flipped the lock, opened the door and held it there for Matteo.  
  
“Um,” Matteo stuttered out, confused.   
  
“I sincerely hope you find David, your majesty,” the guard said, head bowed.  
  
It took Matteo a moment to realize that what was happening— that the guard was letting him go freely, wishing him well—but after a moment of standing stunned with the crisp autumn air streaming in, Matteo processed it and started moving again. There was no time to delay or dwell on why this guard was being supportive, especially not with the way his heart leapt at the sound of David’s name.  
  
So, Matteo stepped outside and as he heard the door shut behind him, he started walking. He knew he should have been running, maybe even riding horseback or something romantic, but he frankly didn’t have the energy to run and he refused to go near the royal stable thanks to that one terrible childhood horseback riding lesson.  
  
Matteo just tried to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it grew harder when he realized that he didn’t know what he was doing or where he was going. He just kept replaying his memories of David to push him forward. With the happy memories as fuel, Matteo made it a little way away from the castle and into what he assumed was the town square as it began to buzz with morning activities.  
  
He scanned his eyes around the people and shops as he walked aimlessly, searching for anything reminiscent of David. But the only thing he found was his father’s statue standing high and mighty across the square. His gaze fixed there and he felt his heart starting to unhinge from his chest, prepared to sink to his stomach. 

But then, before his resolve could disintegrate, he noticed something at his side shining ever so slightly. Matteo and his heart both stopped dead in their tracks as he looked down at his hand. He had nearly forgotten that he was clutching David’s paintbrush for dear life, but there it was, emitting a soft white glow from the bristles.  
  
Matteo’s eyes widened and his breath vanished. He lifted the brush and stared at it in wonderment. Matteo was speechless as it glowed, but then the brush moved in his head.  
  
“What the—” Matteo exclaimed. He jumped a bit but stopped himself when he remembered that he was in public and didn’t want to attract attention.  
  
Just a little bit terrified, Matteo looked at the paintbrush, noticing how it had moved to point directly at one of the various side streets attached to the town square. Hesitantly, Matteo took a step in the direction of the brush and gasped a little when the bristles glowed just a bit brighter.  
  
“Whoa,” Matteo breathed out to himself. A smile formed on his lips as he began to form a hypothesis that he really, really hoped was true.  
  
_The brush must be trying to reunite with the rest of the paint set, or maybe with David himself. It’s going to lead me right to him, isn’t it?_  
  
Matteo stifled his grin, trying not to be too optimistic, but he couldn’t hide his happiness as he started walking in the direction of the brush with a new-found energy and purpose.  
  
With every step, the brush’s glow got brighter, twisting and turning in his hand as it showed him the right direction. By the time Matteo was far from the town square, leaving behind multistory buildings and cobblestone streets in favor of small, modest houses off unpaved dirt roads, the brush was radiating a light so bright Matteo couldn’t look at it anymore. Instead, Matteo watched the houses as he passed, noticing how they may have been small, some even rundown, but there was still some kind of happy energy and positive spirit filling the air.  
  
Suddenly, the light of the brush diminished. Matteo looked down at it, frowning in confusion and squinting his eyes at the still intense light. He could feel the brush moving in his hand, and through the haze of light, he saw that it was pointing backwards. Matteo took a few steps back until the brush glowed it’s brightest again. He stopped and turned to face the house in front of him; tan stone walls, a slightly sunken thatched roof, a short lopsided wooden fence, and a dark brown wooden door.  
  
_David’s house. Or, at least, I hope it is._  
  
Matteo took a deep breath, and walked up to the front door, dropping the brush to his side as it intensified to glow impossibly brighter. He knocked on the door, trying to keep his confidence high, and waited for a moment before a young woman with dark brown curly hair opened the door.  
  
Matteo was worried for a moment that the paintbrush had led him astray. But then as the woman at the door dropped her jaw in shock Matteo remembered that David lived with his older sister.  
  
“Um, you must be Laura,” Matteo started, a bit unsure of himself. “Is, um, is David here?”  
  
“Um, well,” Laura said, looking back into the house, also seeming a bit unsure.  
  
Matteo craned his neck to see into the house, but even with the light in his hand, it was a bit dim inside and Laura hadn’t opened the door wide enough for him to see past her. He could hear the shuffling of familiar feet, though, and he knew that David was home.  
  
Then, Matteo stumbled back a little as he saw David coming into the light, walking up behind Laura. She moved out of the way, opening the door wider, and David stood leaning on the door frame, face serious and solemn.  
  
“You shouldn’t be out here,” David said. There wasn’t any bite in his voice, just an exorbitant amount of restraint and somberness.  
  
Matteo couldn’t quite look him in the eye, but he didn’t mind, taking in David’s whole body as he stood there. He should have been angry or sad, and sure, he was, but all he could feel and express was how much he wanted David.  
  
“Neither should you,” Matteo said. He wore a sad smile on his lips as he finally landed on David’s eyes for a moment. It was David who looked away, his dark lashes flitting downward as he bit his lip ever so slightly. Then he pushed off the door frame, straightened his back and turned to walk back into the house.  
  
Matteo stepped forward on instinct, then looked to Laura who still stood with one hand on the wide-open door. He didn’t exactly have the words to ask if he could come in, but he hoped that his desperation was clear enough on his face. It must have been because Laura sighed a bit as she gestured for Matteo to come in with an understanding look on her face.   
  
When Matteo stepped into the house, David turned around mid-walk, looking back at him with what Matteo hoped was longing. Then, just as Laura closed the door, the paintbrush went dark. Everyone’s eyes went to the brush in Matteo’s hand as he stood in the entryway, and then Matteo looked up to see David coming towards him. David didn’t say a word or even look at Matteo’s pained face as he grabbed the brush from his hand and turned back around.  
  
David walked to the drafting table that stood a couple of feet away from the back wall, in the middle of the one-room home. David stayed on the front side of the table, pushing the tabletop down flat and leaning forward to set the brush down in the crevice on the other side of the surface.  
  
Laura took a seat at the dining table, but spare the faint sound of her chair, the house remained silent. Until, that is, David, not turning around, finally said, flatly, “I didn’t know the brush would do that.”  
  
“Really?” Matteo asked, taking off his hood gingerly. As soon as he felt the cool air on his head, he wished he had left it on. He hadn’t realized how comforting it was. In that moment, feeling a quiver in his stomach as he unconsciously bit at the inside of his lip, he needed all the comfort he could get.   
  
David leaned down and from under the drafting table he grabbed a large piece of paper that was tied up in a tight coil by a piece of twine. He set it on the tabletop, pulled at the twine and unfurled it. As he flattened it out, carefully smoothing out the edges, he said, firm and emotionless, “No.”  
  
“David, what is happening right now? Why did you leave?” Matteo asked quickly. He stepped forward so he was standing just a few feet away from David as he stood with his back to him, focused on the paper in front of him. When David didn’t respond, Matteo scoffed a little as he stared at the back of his head. “Seriously? You aren’t even gonna talk to me?”  
  
“Not much to say,” David said simply, grabbing a pencil from the same crevice where he’d put the brush.   
  
“You left me,” Matteo said emphatically, stepping forward with a conviction that Matteo knew came from the part of him that was seething with anger and pain. “We spent all that time together, and as soon as you broke down and told me the plan and as soon as you had the perfect escape opportunity, you left. Was any of it real? Or was it just you trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me?”  
  
“God, Matteo, it was real,” David said forcefully slamming the pencil into the table with his hand. Matteo could practically see David closing his eyes and letting out a shaking breath. “It was real,” he repeated, softer, vulnerability rich in his voice.   
  
“Then why did you leave?” Matteo asked, desperately. “I mean, what am I supposed to think? At the first chance of leaving, you left. At the first chance, David, the first—”  
  
“I could have left the whole time!” David shouted, looking over his shoulder at Matteo. The way Matteo jerked backwards, startled, didn’t stop David from continuing on, his voice loud and his eyes fierce. “My sister has magic! You don’t think she was communicating with me the whole time, telling me she could come break me out, find a way to rescue me? I told her not to. I wanted to stay. And not because I thought it would help our cause for me to get close to you. I stayed because I wanted to be with you.”  
  
“But, but, you didn’t stay,” Matteo said, responding faster than he realized was possible, as he walked closer to David. “Of all the times you could have left, you choose to leave after we spent the whole fucking night together!” Matteo stopped as David turned his head back around, and returned to staring at what Matteo could now see was a map. Matteo was close enough now that he could see the way David’s jaw was clenched, the way his whole body looked tense. Seeing David so troubled broke Matteo’s heart in a whole different way, so he softened his voice and reached out to gently touch the back of his arm. “David, please, just talk to me.”   
  
As soon as Matteo felt the fabric of David’s shirt, David turned around, his whole body swiveling to face Matteo as he exploded.  
  
“I got scared, okay?!” David shouted. “I’m sorry but I got scared. I’m not just some tough guy who flirts and knows how to spew political rhetoric and make cool art. Okay? I’m scared too. I have shit too. And, and, I mean, all that stuff you were telling me about how you are scared of coming out? How Florenzia isn’t ready for a gay king? If we are together, that falls on me too! How would us being together even work? Like would I be your fucking king? I don’t want that. And, let’s be real, I might not even make it that far. What are people going to do when they see that I’m not white? And, god, Matteo, what if they all found out I was trans? Or that I have magic in my family? Or that I am an anti-monarchist? They are definitely going to find that out; you know I won’t stay quiet about my beliefs. It is dangerous for someone like me to be with someone like you. I have to protect myself and my family. And I have to protect my revolution, the people of Florenzia. I can’t lead this movement if I am with the fucking king! If I am a fucking king! How much of a hypocrite would that make me? People will never respect me or my family and friends and we will never make the changes we need to make!”   
  
“I, uh, I mean—” Matteo tried to interject even though he really didn’t know what he was going to say.  
  
“No, Matteo, I can’t do this, okay?” David continued, leaning back on the table, his voice calming just a bit. “I’m sorry. I want to. If this was simple, I would. But I mean, we have to be honest with ourselves here.”  
  
“David,” Matteo exhaled, not even realizing he was actually speaking out loud. He was just so afraid of what David was about to say. He could feel it coming and he didn’t want to hear it.   
  
“This doesn’t work. We aren’t meant to be,” David said with way too much certainty. Matteo felt his chest aching and throat tightening as he closed his eyes. He was way too overwhelmed with the world around him and the pain inside him to look at David. But then, as if David hadn’t already said enough; “I don’t want this.”  
  
Matteo’s eyes snapped open and his breath caught as he fought back tears. “You said you were falling in love with me,” he whimpered, trying to remain strong. He felt so silly standing there, nearly crying as David just walked around to the other side of the drafting table.  
  
“Yeah, falling,” he said. He didn’t look at Matteo as he repositioned the tabletop so it was at an angle again. “There’s too much at stake to fall all the way.”  
  
Matteo was silent for a moment, at a loss for words. He wanted to keep fighting, he wanted to push for what he wanted and be the bold, strong person that David had taught him to be. But this felt like the ultimate test, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was failing. David continued to ignore him, turning the map around so he wasn’t looking at it upside down and grabbing his pencil again.  
  
_Just keep going. He’s still David. He is still the only person in the world who actually lets me speak my mind and wants to hear what I have to say and makes me feel comfortable enough to say the truth. So just let him in and speak your goddamn mind._  
  
“David, please, can you just, like,” Matteo started, trying to just let his brain take over and send his thoughts straight out of his mouth. Then somehow a flip switched and it worked. “How can you say we aren’t meant to be? This is, this is, this is so meant to be! I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never even imagined that I could ever feel like this. But I do. You make me smile, you make me feel alive and electric, you make things feel lighter and more possible and not so fucking dark. You’re the only person in the world who makes me feel like this. You make me feel safe. I can be myself around you. You make me feel understood. How can you say all of that isn’t meant to be?”  
  
“I don’t know what to tell you, Matteo,” David said, shrugging a little as he started diligently writing something on the map.  
  
“Are you listening?” Matteo asked desperately. David stopped writing, but he kept his eyes down. “Can you at least look at me? This isn’t you. You don’t ignore me and make me feel like shit. You listen to me and care about what I have to say and treat me like I am worth something in this world.”  
  
“You are worth something,” David said, barely looking up at Matteo. They made eye contact for a moment, and for the first time ever, Matteo understood a bit of why people liked eye contact so much. He couldn’t read it all and it still made him feel like he was spinning, but David’s eyes were telling him so much. And from the way David set down his pencil and leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms and fully looking at Matteo, it was obvious that Matteo’s eyes had told him something too. “You are worth so much, Matteo. But that doesn’t change the situation we’re in.”  
  
“Just, just please come back to the palace with me,” Matteo said, resuming his pleas as he stepped forward and put his hands on the other side of the drafting table. Matteo broke the eye contact just slightly, looking more at David’s tight, pensive lips, but David continued looking him in the eye with that same intensity. “Let’s try this for real. We have to. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but please don’t give up. And you don’t even have to come back. You can stay here and I’ll make sure no one comes after you. I’ll make sure you and all your friends are safe. No matter what. But please promise me this isn’t over.” Matteo paused for a moment, as he shifted his eyes back to David’s. The silence between them was loud. Matteo gripped the tilted tabletop firmer with all his desperation on full display. “David, I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.”  
  
David broke his eyes away from Matteo, shaking his head as he looked back down to the map and started to step forward again. “Wanting isn’t enough.”  
  
“Needing,” Matteo said immediately. He dropped his hands down and pivoted over to the side of the table, crowding into David’s space just a little. He had to catch David before he went back to staring at that map like it was the most important thing in the world. Matteo’s fighting spirit was in full force, and he felt prepared to do whatever it took. Nothing was going to stop him. And sure enough, Matteo’s movement and proximity promoted David to look up at him, stopping before he got back to the map. “David, I need you,” he said, reaching out to grab David’s hand.  
  
———  
  
The touch immediately reminded David of how Matteo had held his hand for the first time back in his cell. The feeling of Matteo’s fingers grazing over his palm and tightening around his fingers was just as moving as it was then.  
  
David closed his eyes as he turned his body to face Matteo, letting him pull his arm away from his side so their interlocked hands hung low in the space between them.  
  
The touch made him feel so many things. Stronger than his own desire and the calm that washed over his body, though, was the overwhelming reminder how much he truly admired Matteo as a person. David knew it wasn’t just from the way he reached out to him, held his hand and made him feel like maybe he wasn’t such a bad person after all, but also from the way Matteo put his heart on his sleeve and the way that his openness revealed his own self-doubt.  
  
“No, you don’t. You don’t need me,” David said. He opened his eyes to look at Matteo’s crestfallen and yearning face. He looked so raw, so small, and David wanted him to feel anything but small. “Matteo, you are more capable than you realize. You are…the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You don’t need anyone but yourself to be incredible. Especially not me.”  
  
David looked down to the ground as he finished, but Matteo only stepped forward, reaching out to take his other hand. “Don’t say that,” he said, shaking his head.  
  
“What, you don’t want me to compliment you?” David asked, looking back up to Matteo with a painful glint of humor in his voice. He stopped himself before he added _“like some lovesick fool”_ like that voice in his head wanted him to do. He didn’t know quite what it was that stopped him, but it was probably the way that Matteo squeezed his hands and started speaking again, so sweet and bold, so beautifully the best of Matteo. It made David want to cry and scream because he knew that not even this moment would be able to convince him to change his mind.  
  
“Tear yourself down,” Matteo said. “You, you, don’t deserve that. David, you deserve so much. So much joy. All the fucking joy in the world. I know I can’t give you every ounce of joy on the planet, that’s impossible. But you deserve all of it. And, well, I, I think I can give you and I know you can give me— we can give each other something beautiful.”   
  
If Matteo kept talking after the word “beautiful,” David didn’t hear him. He couldn’t. He had to tune him out, stop listening to his pleas. That subconscious insecure and untrusting part of David that controlled so much of his life knew that he wasn’t immune to Matteo’s words. If he kept listening, he would get closer and closer to falling back into Matteo’s intoxicatingly beautiful orbit. David would get caught again, and he would either lose everything or hurt them both even more than he already was when he broke himself free again. He had to stay strong in that moment, and he was certainly strong enough to remain impenetrable. Not because the words Matteo said didn’t affect him, but because he knew how to block them out.  
  
David turned his body away from Matteo, pulling his hands out of Matteo’s tight grasp. Matteo’s fingernails raked across his skin, but he didn’t let that or the distressed whimper that Matteo barely breathed out get to him. He just turned back to the map of the town square to ground himself. He grabbed his pencil again as he spoke, harsh and unrelenting.  
  
“I’m sorry, Matteo. But until you can show me that this has any possibility of working in the real world, I can’t do this,” David said. He paused as he contemplated just how ruthless he should be. He could have told Matteo that he needed to move on, that not even he was capable of changing destiny, that he needed to give it up and leave him the fuck alone. But he dared to glance over to Matteo for a moment, and saw how broken he looked, a few small tears starting to pool in his eyes. So David just looked back to the map, and said, “You probably should go. I have work to do and the crew is coming over soon to prepare for the mission that I compromised.”  
  
“Please, David. Please don’t do this,” Matteo cried out. David didn’t have to look back at him to know his tears were falling. David sucked in a shallow breath, his chest starting to feel tight and a bit helpless. He kept his head down but glanced his eyes over Laura at the dining table ever so slightly. He darted them back down to the map when he heard the screech of the chair on the ground and the sound of footsteps.  
  
“It would be best if you left now,” Laura said sterner than usual as she walked to Matteo. It hurt to hear her having to be that way, but Matteo’s final plea hurt so much more.   
  
“No, David, please, I can’t lose you too,” Matteo cried, just above a whisper, absolutely devastated.  
  
All David could do was close his eyes, hoping it was enough to block out Matteo and the thought of just how much that precious boy had lost in his life.  
  
But then David heard Matteo’s reaction to Laura putting her hand on his back to guide him out of the house—a loud sob, that Matteo quickly stifled with a shallow gasp and grunt of pain when he bit down on his lip so hard that David could practically hear the skin breaking as Matteo let himself sob again.  
  
_Not as strong as you thought you were, are you?_  
  
David felt his own tears welling in his eyes, which just made him even more upset because he hated proving that taunting little voice right. He held his breath, shut his eyes tighter, and clasped his fight around his pencil so firmly that he could feel his bones pressing against the inside of his skin. He did his best to ignore the sound of Matteo’s crying as he dragged his feet across the floor, Laura walking close behind him towards the door.  
  
When the only sounds of Matteo that were left were the echoes in David’s head, he opened his eyes. The string of tears on his lashes and the sight of Laura standing by the closed door looking at him like she had a million questions she was so afraid to ask made something bitter and fiery trail up his body, and into his hand.  
  
He looked away from Laura, lifted his hand and aggressively threw his pencil directly into the kitchen cabinets. As soon as it left his hand, where David expected to let out a loud grunt or an angry sequence of incoherent words, he simply muttered a distraught, “Fuck.”  
  
It was all he could muster as the anger inside him turned to grief, to disappointment, to a severe feeling of regret that he knew wasn’t logical. It didn’t matter though. Matteo was gone, there was no reason to pretend that he was fine. Because he wasn’t fine. He felt like the biggest fool in the world.  
  
“Fuck,” he said again, quieter this time as he stepped away from the table, and stumbled back into the wall. When he felt the wall against his back, he couldn’t help but remember the night before, walking Matteo into the wall so he could kiss him as feverishly as he deserved. David also couldn’t help but wonder if this—dizzy, unbalanced and uneasy as the world spun around him—was what Matteo felt like nearly all the time. But that thought just broke David down even more. He couldn’t stop himself from sliding down the wall, falling to sit on the ground with his head tilted back and pushed into the wall in a semi-failed attempt to keep his tears from falling.  
  
He hadn’t even noticed Laura walking over to him, but he heard her squatting down next to him. He looked over to her, and she was back to her gentle and compassionate self.  
  
“I know you said you weren’t ready to talk yet, but…” Laura said, trailing off.  
  
David just looked to his lap, not even really responding to her, just saying the only thing he knew to say. “He’s the best goddamn person in the world. He’s just, like, he’s exactly—” David stopped himself, not wanting to admit that Matteo was exactly the person he had been looking for his whole life. Saying that was admitting he had been wanting to find someone, and that didn’t align with the way he thought about his life. But it was true, and he knew Laura could tell. It was plain to see, so he didn’t have to say the words. All he had to do was just continue on with the part of the story David didn’t feel the need to shy away from. “And I had to let him go. Why did I think it would be easy? Why did I even let myself have him in the first place? It’s like those stupid fucking music boxes.”  
  
“Music boxes?” Laura asked. She sounded maybe a little amused but mostly puzzled as she sat down on the ground next to him.  
  
“Yeah, long story. God, it’s all a fucking long story,” David said, shaking his head. He pulled his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “The music boxes, they’re not stupid. They are beautiful. Just like him. But he and I aren’t the kind of people who get to have music boxes in our life.”  
  
“You are allowed to have good things, David,” Laura said, placing her hand on David’s arm in an attempt to be reassuring. But it just made David feel like shit.  
  
“Please don’t make me explain why I’m not all over again,” David begged, voice breaking. “I hear it enough in my head, I just can’t say it out loud.”  
  
“Okay,” Laura said, sadly, but she cracked a bit of a smile with just the smallest amount of light in her eyes. “Can I give you a hug?”  
  
“Yeah,” David whispered, sniffling and wiping his damp cheek as he crawled into her open arms.  
  
As he crouched in front of her, she remained seated and squeezed her arms around his shoulders, pulling him in. He rested his head on her shoulder and let out a sigh, feeling some of the tension in his body let up. He still felt lost in his own mind, conflicted and two steps away from miserable, but he wasn’t crying anymore and he felt like air could reach his lungs again.  
  
“I love you,” Laura said quietly, a few moments into their hug. David hated the way it didn’t make him feel better. It just made him feel like some kind of burden.  
  
“Thank you. I know it’s hard to,” David mumbled into her shoulder. He tightened his closed eyes to stop the second round of tears.  
  
“Oh, shut up. Look at me,” Laura said firmly. She squeezed him tighter, then pulled back from the hug a little, hands secure on David’s shoulders. He watched her, taking in her slow and soothing words. “I love you. It’s not any harder to love you than it is to love anyone. Okay?” David nodded, and then with just a hint of a sly smile on her lips she continued, eyeing him pointedly. “Love is never easy. But it’s worth it.”  
  
David narrowed his eyes as he pulled back even further from their hug. He knew exactly what she was doing. “Okay, I think it’s your turn to shut up,” David said affectionately, laughing a little for the first time all day.  
  
Laura smiled widely at him, and he couldn’t help returning the grin as she pulled him back into another hug. His smile faded, though, as his head landed back on her shoulder.  
  
He wanted to believe Laura about everything, he really did. But he couldn’t. And the only person in the world who even had a chance of making him believe those things was gone, probably broken into a million pieces by David himself.  
  
David didn’t want to think about the state that Matteo must have been in. So, he didn’t. He wasn’t lying when he said he had work to do.  
  
———  
  
Matteo stood shaking just a few feet away from David’s front door.  
  
He could still feel Laura’s hand on his back. Calling the feeling reminiscing of a ghost seemed too kind. It wasn’t airy or light. It was itchy. It was hot. It was heavy. It was ever-present. Laura’s hand was still on his back. It wasn’t. Matteo knew that. But he could still feel it there. It made him want to vanish because that was the only thing that he could think of that would make it better. He had tried scratching it. He had tried not thinking about it. He had tried thinking extremely hard about it. But nothing worked. Every second that went by just made him feel it more.  
  
He couldn’t stop himself from biting on his lip again, even though it hurt like hell and he knew he shouldn’t do it again because he could still taste blood in his mouth from where he bit down on his lip when Laura had actually put her hand on his back. He could still feel her hand and he could still taste his own blood on his tongue and lips and teeth and all over the crevices of his mouth. It was everywhere, metallic and sickening. Matteo could have sworn he was gushing blood, but didn’t feel it on his chin or see it dripping into the dirt. So maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he wasn’t even still bleeding.  
  
He could have run his finger across his lip in search of the wound and any blood that was still oozing out of him, but he couldn’t. When he had tried scratching his back, it had just made everything worse. The movement of his arm through the air was exhausting. It didn’t feel like there was air surrounding him. The world around him felt heavy and syrupy and it took way too much energy to move his body. It took way too much energy to even take a goddamn breath. It took way too much energy to take in everything around him but he didn’t have a choice because it was like his senses were on fire, working way too damn hard, on overdrive.  
  
_Senses. There it is. Right. Senses. Over. Over something._  
  
Matteo, though, couldn’t process his revelation further than that. It was the first time anything had felt close to an answer to what this feeling was, but he couldn’t do anything about it. He wasn’t even sure he would remember the word “senses” when he came out of this state. If he ever did. He wasn’t so sure he would. He never felt like there would be an end when he was in the middle of it.  
  
He couldn’t process his revelation because he was in that state where his senses were over something, but also because he was well past the point of emotional exhaustion and social exertion. He couldn’t form a coherent thought or sentence. He couldn’t make sense of much of anything. He could barely even comprehend the emotions he was feeling. But he knew some of them.  
  
He knew he was exhausted. So, utterly exhausted and fragile and breakable. Not just breakable, but broken. But he also felt like there was still breaking to be done, like anything could shatter each of the fragments he had become.  
  
He knew he was lost and scared. He was on the edge of town, alone. He didn’t know the city. He didn’t know where he was or where he was going. He didn’t know how to do anything but stand there. This is why they had the rules. David had been right. He shouldn’t have been out there.  
  
_David._  
  
He was upset with David, but more than that, he was so deeply and profoundly upset with himself for leaving there without David or even just a promise of a future for them. He was mad that he wasn’t able to fight harder, but how could he when his fighting spirit was so new, so weak? It was like a muscle that Matteo hadn’t worked out nearly enough for it to get him through his hardest times.  
  
And then there was the fact that if he had not finally given up and walked out on his own, Laura would have put her hand on him again. That option-- more physical contact-- somehow felt worse than never being with David again. So really, what choice did he have but to leave, scurrying out of the home with the limited energy he had left?  
  
But he was still mad at himself for being so weak that a simple touch to his back could send him running from the only thing he had ever wanted to fight for.  
  
But then again, he could still feel Laura’s hand on his back and taste blood in his mouth. And those two things were parts of the catalyst for the way he felt like the world was closing in on him and crumbling to the ground and spinning at the same time. And the feeling of not being able to breathe. Or, no, not the feeling. He definitely couldn’t breathe. Maybe that was why he felt so numb. Or maybe the numbness was just from the heat on his face and the cold on his hands and emptiness in his head and the fullness in his upside-down stomach. Or maybe he wasn’t numb at all because if he was numb, how could he still feel Laura’s damn hand on his back and the fucking blood in his mouth?  
  
Maybe his head wasn’t even empty, because he was sure picking up on some kind of message in the midst of the crisis crushing him. Or maybe it was just his body sending him the message, telling them he had lost everything and things would never be the same and this—whatever this was— was not normal and this, this was the moment he would never come back from. Matteo had been waiting his whole life for the dark part of himself to jump out and swallow all the other parts of him alive, and maybe that moment he dreaded was the moment he was suffering through on the dirt road outside of David’s home. Yes, it was definitely his body that was telling him all that. And in his state of disarray and mental fog, he couldn’t help but believe it.  
  
But maybe Matteo shouldn’t have listened to what his body was telling him because his body was also telling him that the sun was shining as bright as David’s paintbrush had shone when he had arrived at the door. Matteo knew that wasn’t true because someone was approaching him, and they didn’t look like they were being blinded by the sun in the slightest.   
  
“Matteo?” he heard a voice call out to him, soft and kind, but confused beyond belief. Matteo moved his head, feeling dizzy and heavy as he did. Then he saw her and her red hair. _Hanna._ “What are you doing out here?” Hanna asked, stepping up in front of Matteo, trying to look him in the eye.  
  
Matteo, though, fixed his gaze on the picnic basket resting on Hanna’s forearm. He stared there, unable to come up with anything to say. But then, he felt her other arm moving like she was reaching out to touch him. Everything slowed down for a moment, and without even so much as a thought, he screeched out a desperate, “Don’t!”  
  
Hanna’s hand recoiled, and her face fell even more worried than before. She hadn’t touched him, hadn’t even really come close, but there was a spot on the side of his arm that felt weird. It was different from Laura’s hand on his back, but still weird enough that Matteo wanted to disappear. But now Hanna was here, and somehow that made him feel just a little bit better. He wasn’t alone in unknown territory anymore. At least not physically. Geographically.  
  
“I’m sorry, Matteo,” Hanna said. “Can you tell me what’s going on? Maybe, why you’re out here?”  
  
Matteo turned his head back around to look at David’s house instinctively and was surprised that it didn’t make him feel like he was going to throw up and fall over. It was a little like the world was spinning, but things seemed to be calming down just a bit. Maybe enough that he could try to answer Hanna’s question. So, he turned back to her, half hoping that his glance back would be enough of a response. He knew that it wasn’t so he opened his mouth, closing it and opening it and then closing it again, as he tried to formulate a coherent sentence. He couldn’t, so he just sighed and said the only thing he knew to say. 

“David,” he breathed out. He stared at her for a moment as she waited for him to keep going. But there was no more.

“David?” Hanna echoed, a beat later, her eyebrows raised just a little. “The political troublemaker from the dungeon?”  
  
Hanna calling David that unlocked something in him. It was something that made his stomach uneasy in a whole different way, something that felt protective and fierce, something that didn’t just allow him to put words together in a way that actually made sense, but also to speak them aloud.  
  
“He’s not a fucking troublemaker,” Matteo said, sort of throwing his head back and wobbling on his feet in a way that actually didn’t feel too awful. “He’s a revolutionary,” Matteo said, longing in his voice as he dropped his head back to half-heartedly look in Hanna’s direction.

“Okay. But what does he have to do with you being out here?” Hanna asked. It was only then that Matteo realized that Hanna truly had no idea what was going on. She knew nothing. “It’s chilly, Matteo. Is this cloak even warm?”

Matteo didn’t answer her. He just grasped the fabric of the clock at his sides with his fists and frowned as he felt new tears building up in his eyes. “Hanna, I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice crumbling to a whimper. 

“For what?” Hanna asked.

“I should have told you by now,” Matteo sighed. He could feel the skin around his cheekbones tightening as he bit his lip again. He was hit with the taste of blood and the realization that he hadn’t been tasting it until that moment. But it was back and it tasted even more bitter with Hanna standing there, so far out of the loop.

“Told me what?” she asked. 

Matteo wanted to spill every little detail of his life— the series of adolescent moments that made him realize he was gay, his crush on Jonas, those feelings disappearing the moment his life got flipped on its head, coming out to Jonas, realizing he would never find love, agreeing to find a queen, meeting David, coming out to Amira, coming out to David, kissing David over and over until David decided he didn’t want to ever kiss him again—but Matteo knew he couldn’t because he didn’t have the words for any of it. He didn’t even know if he could bring himself to say the word gay in the state he was in. He felt stupid for regressing, but that was a feeling he was all too used to.

“David and I— I’m—Um—,” Matteo started, stumbling over the few words that he was able to find. He shook his head, looking down and decided just to start at the end, the piece of the story that was closest to the part of his brain that was working. “He doesn’t want me.”

“David?” Hanna asked. Matteo could see her trying to piece it together. “David and you?”

“Hanna,” Matteo said seriously, trying so hard to keep himself from falling apart and to make her understand. “He’s all I’ve ever wanted. He.”

“Oh,” Hanna said slowly, her comprehension clear as the lines of her face smoothed and the corners of her lips turned up into a small smile. Matteo, though, couldn’t catch the kindness she was sending him. He barely even noticed it. He just felt heavy and miserable and hollow.

“I’m so sorry,” Matteo choked out. He knew he was about to cry again and he didn’t know what else to say.

“You have nothing to apologize—” Hanna started, but then stopped. There were tears falling down Matteo’s cheeks. They were hot and wet and Matteo hated the way they dripped off his chin. “Oh, Matteo. Can I do anything? Maybe a hug?”  
  
Shaking his head “no” actually seemed like it would be harder than muttering out a few words; that thick, weighty feeling was back in the air, closing in on him from every angle. “No. Worse,” Matteo whispered, even though it wasn’t a complete sentence.  
  
“Okay,” Hanna said, pausing for a moment. “Come on,” she finally said. “Let’s get you back to the castle. Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo whispered back even though the idea of walking sounded insufferable. He felt dizzy and exhausted even just thinking about it. But he knew that he couldn’t just stand outside of David’s house forever.  
  
_David.  
  
“I don’t want this.” _  
  
Matteo closed his eyes for a second too long as he blinked, then opened his eyes and followed Hanna back to the castle, every step more challenging than the last.  
  
When they finally arrived, Matteo was out of breath and sweaty even though the autumn winds were cold. Walking in through the front entrance, he couldn’t understand what Hanna was trying to say to him. He soon heard Hans’ voice too. Lieutenant Adamczyk as well and maybe even Jonas and Amira. But he ignored the nonsense. He kept his eyes trained to the floor and silently found his way to the stairs.  
  
No one followed him this time, probably too scared by what they were seeing. Matteo was scared too. It was all too familiar, but this time he was the one who felt dazed and listless as he forced himself up the never-ending steps. When he finally reached the top, he entered his room, locked the door, shoved David’s drawing in a drawer and collapsed into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 12— Running Into The Flames


	12. Running Into The Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> So, does anyone remember how chapter four was entirely from Matteo’s perspective? And that I said David would have a solo chapter down the road? Well down the road is now! This is David’s chapter, it’s all from his POV! The fact that it is being posted on the one year anniversary of David’s coming out clip is such a beautiful accident, by the way. We love David Schreibner! 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

David didn’t like feeling like a weak, weepy mess, but even more than that, David didn’t like looking like a weak, weepy mess. With his heart aching and the crew on their way, David had no choice but to get up off the floor, help Laura prepare lunch for everyone, and go back over their plans to steal the statue for the hundredth time. With every step forward, he pushed his memories of Matteo and the rollercoaster of emotions that he had been on further and further down.  
  
By the time the stew was ready and there was a knock at the door, it was almost like nothing had even happened. David had drawn the line and closed the chapter so that he could move forward and start fresh. It was the only way. He couldn’t have anyone, especially his own crew seeing him as vulnerable, as someone who would even think about throwing his cause away for some boy, let alone the king.  
  
“David!” Abdi called out as David opened the door to find Abbi and Carlos. “You’re here!”  
  
“In the flesh,” David said, tilting his head to the side. His perfectly crafted smugness didn’t last long though because as soon as the words were out of his mouth, Abdi crashed into him with a hug that knocked the smirk right off his face in favor of a stunned expression.  
  
“Oh, man, it’s so good to see you!” Abdi wailed into David’s shoulder. David stood in shock, eventually returning the hug, patting Abdi’s back hesitantly. “I’ve missed you so much. I can’t believe you’re really here.”  
  
“Dude, relax, it’s just David,” Carlos said, rolling his eyes, which just made David smile.  
  
“Yeah, it’s David!” Abdi said, turning his head to look back at Carlos. David’s smile only grew as Abdi turned back into the hug. “Oh, I’m just so glad Linn wasn’t pranking us.”  
  
Carlos started to laugh, and David couldn’t stop himself from doing the same as he pulled back from the hug, dropping his arms and raising his eyebrows.  
  
“Did you really think I wasn’t going to be here?” David asked.  
  
“I don’t know maybe,” Abdi said bashfully, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
“You’re such an idiot,” David sighed, shaking his head to hide his big smile. “I’ve missed you too, man,” he said, sincerely.  
  
“Same here, by the way,” Carlos said, placing a friendly hand on David’s shoulder. “It hasn’t been the same without you. Especially around the shop.”  
  
“Thanks, yeah, I’ve missed you both, honestly,” David said as Carlos put his arm down. “And the shop. Though I’m not actually so sure I can go back to work yet.”  
  
Abdi opened his mouth to speak, but he closed it at the sound of Laura’s footsteps as she came up behind David.  
  
“He’s a bit of a wanted man,” Laura said. “We can’t have him anywhere the royal guards could find him.”  
  
“Yeah,” David said, looking out into the street and seeing an abundance of people mulling about. “So, we should probably close the door.”  
  
Abdi and Carlos both nodded and rushed inside. Laura ushered them back into the kitchen, where they each poured themselves a bowl of stew. David didn’t join them at the dining table, instead staying by the door to wait for Leonie. He was hungry but too nervous to eat. Abdi and Carlos had been nothing but glad to see him, but David knew the same wouldn’t be true of Leonie.  
  
He was right. The first words out of Leonie’s mouth when David opened the door for her were, “Honestly, I’m glad they didn’t kill you, because I want to do it myself.”  
  
David just rolled his eyes. “Get your ass in here and give me a hug,” he said, already starting to shut the door before Leonie even walked inside.  
  
She quickly came through the door before it closed, and laid her head on his chest as they hugged. “You’re a moron,” she muttered.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” David said, tightening his arms around her.  
  
“I told you that you would get arrested if you did the mural.”  
  
“And I never said that I wouldn’t. Just that I didn’t care,” David said, pulling out of the hug. Leonie quickly crossed her arms and looked at him like he was the stupidest person on the planet. “Laura made stew. You want some?” David asked feigning cheeriness as he walked over to the kitchen.  
  
“No, what I want,” Leonie said, following him. “Is for you to tell me all about your time inside.”  
  
“There isn’t much to tell,” David said, grabbing a bowl for Leonie and ladling her some stew as he spoke all he intended to speak on that matter. “Two meals a day, not good food. A bit of soap and a rag every three days. There was a sink in my cell, a toilet too. A nice little window. Even a table and chairs.”  
  
“Okay,” Leonie said. David walked to her and trusted the hot bowl into her hands. “Is that all?”  
  
“Yeah,” Carlos said, entering the conversation, then stopping to swallow his bite of stew. “Laura said that they were interrogating you?”  
  
“Oh, right,” David said. He turned his back to everyone as he walked to the drafting table. “Nothing to report, really. It was a joke. Their main guy was terrible at it. He had nothing on me.”  
  
“Did they torture you or anything?” Abdi asked, sounding a bit concerned.  
  
David didn’t pay his concern any mind, though. Breezing through all of this like none of it mattered to him was the easiest and best strategy. “Nope,” he said shortly.  
  
“Why not?” Carlos asked.  
  
“I don’t know,” David said defensively. He pivoted to stand safely behind the drafting table and looked down at his paintbrush that still rested there. “I wasn’t privy to the motivations behind the king’s decision,” he lied. He hadn’t even realized what he had done until he heard Leonie’s voice, and looked up at her, trying to mask his alarm.  
  
“The king’s decision? He was the reason they didn’t torture you?” Leonie asked, eyebrows raised and lips pursed. If she hadn’t been holding her stew, her arms surely would have been crossed.  
  
“How would I know?” David spit back after he took a second too long to think of a rebuttal.  
  
“Did you meet the king?” Carlos asked. Suddenly David’s safe place behind the drafting table didn’t feel so safe. It felt closed in, like he had nowhere else to go. The memories of that morning were flooding back— David standing in the same spot, Matteo crowding into him and taking his hands in his own.  
  
_Snap out of it. Answer them. You have to keep this up or they will start seeing the cracks in your façade.  
  
There is no façade. I’m fine.  
  
No, you’re not. But they don’t need to know that. _  
  
“Um,” David, stuttered out, banishing the memories and the battle in his head all at once. “Yes, I met him,” David said, firmly. He looked back down to straighten up the map and the other papers on the drafting table.  
  
“And?” Leonie asked.  
  
“There is no ‘and,’” David said crossly, as he glanced up at her. He quickly darted his eyes back down and needlessly continued straightening. “I talked with him a few times. He’s just, you know, he’s a kid. Like we are.”  
  
“Yeah, but we actually have brains in our heads,” Leonie said with a scoff, like Matteo’s stupidity was laughable. _It’s not laughable. How could his stupidity be laughable if it doesn’t even exist?_  
  
“He has a brain,” David spit, looking up before he even realized what he was doing. He didn’t want to give himself away, but he just couldn’t stand the thought of Leonie disparaging Matteo. _“You have no right to talk about things you don’t understand,”_ Matteo had cried out to him the first night they spoke. David now had the urge to yell it out to Leonie in the same way. But he wasn’t going to let his emotions completely get the better of him, so he went with something a bit milder that still scratched that new itch he had for defending Matteo. “He has a brain. He just hasn’t been given the chance to use it.”  
  
“What does that mean?” Leonie asked, sounding a bit disgusted.  
  
“Nothing,” David said gruffly. He wanted to stop there, but he made himself a liar as he continued. “Just that he’s only been king for three months and he has a lot on his shoulders and he isn’t actually the one making the bad decisions around there.”  
  
Everyone was silent for a moment, no doubt thrown off. David looked down at the map again, cursing himself for taking this so far. The voices in his head were quick to fill the silence.  
  
_It’s going to be awfully hard to be an anti-monarchist if you feel the constant need to stand up for the king.  
  
I’m not standing for the king. I am standing up for Matteo. It’s different.  
  
They don’t know that.  
  
Well, what am I supposed to do? Tell them everything? I can’t. I won’t  
  
You know that you could though. What was that thing Matteo said?  
  
He didn’t say it.  
  
But you know him well enough to know that if he was standing right here with you, he would tell you that you can always trust your family. That you don’t have to keep secrets from them because they love you.  
  
This isn’t family. This is a revolution._  
  
When Leonie finally spoke, eloquent and forward-focused, she proved that last voice right.  
  
“Complacency is a dangerous game, David.”  
  
“Never said it wasn’t,” David said loudly, ready to move on. “And speaking of complacency, let’s not fall victim to it. Can we get started while you guys eat?”  
  
“Don’t you want lunch?” Abdi asked, mouth full. “This is really good.”  
  
“And Linn isn’t here yet,” Carlos said, looking around to make sure she wasn’t hiding somewhere. And he was right to look, because as soon as he started speaking, the back door opened.  
  
“I’m here Linn said, coming in, her work bag slung over her shoulder. Normally David would have chuckled at Linn’s impeccable timing or the fact that this was the second time she had come in through the back door like that in one day, but all his focus was on Leonie who was also more stoic than usually for a Linn moment.  
  
“I’m not going to eat either,” Leonie said. She walked over to where Laura and the boys sat at the table and set down her bowl there. “Sorry, Laura, it’s not your cooking.”  
  
“I know,” Laura said wistfully, glancing up at Leonie and then over to David. He looked away before she could catch his eyes. “I know.”  
  
David took a deep breath, ignoring the fact that Leonie was onto him, and Laura was something close to disappointed to see him acting this way just hours after wordlessly admitting that he had lost the only person he could ever see himself falling madly in love with.   
  
“Great,” David said. “Then we are all good to start. Let’s go over the plan.”  
  
From there, David dove into the plan that they had all been working on for weeks. Truthfully, it wasn’t too complicated, their plan to steal the giant bronze statue of their former king from the town square, but David relished in taking his time to painstakingly go over every detail. He didn’t leave space for any contributions from the crew as they all listened from the table, Leonie still standing next to Laura, arms crossed. He didn’t want to open up the floor because he was afraid that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to get it back. Sure, they would let him speak, that was never a problem. But David knew that the version of himself that was spewing the detailed plan— David the revolutionary— might not be able to claw his way back up to dominance if he was asked another question about his time in the dungeon or heard Matteo’s name.  
  
It was ridiculous to David, how frail and at-risk he felt. He was supposed to be stronger than this. But, then again, he was pretty strong for being able to stand there and talk through the plan like nothing had happened. Or maybe that was what made him weak, not feeling his emotions or acknowledging the pain he was in.  
  
Either way, David knew he was weaker than he ever intended to be. The dangerous thing about someone trying to mask their weakness with strength is that it can turn nasty, aggressive, even harmful.  
  
“So, I think that is really everything,” David said unwillingly when he realized he couldn’t keep rephrasing the same points over and over. “Yeah, I think we are ready for tonight.”  
  
“Tonight?” Carlos asked, eyebrows high as he leaned forward in his chair towards David.  
  
“Yes, tonight,” David said, impatiently, gripping the edge of the drafting table with one hand. “Why would we not do it tonight?”  
  
“Well, I’m not sure I have time to get tools ready by tonight,” Carlos explained. David could already feel his jaw clenching and his body heating up. Carlos had stabbed his logic into the part of David’s soul that collected his anger. “I just have a lot of actual work to do this afternoon.”  
  
“This is actual work, Carlos!” David shouted, hand flying off the drafting table as his anger began to spew out. “You should have had the tools ready days ago because we were planning on having this act of protest done by now. There is no reason for you to not have the fucking tools ready! We should be past this by now!”  
  
“And whose fault is that?” Leonie asked. She spoke simply, but the way the truth ripped into David wasn’t simple. It was intoxicatingly enraging. David knew that Leonie knew it just as much as he did. It was in the heat of moments like this— the moments where Leonie was a little bit bitter and very pushy and way too wise and entirely unafraid of the painful truth— that David wished he wasn’t even friends with her.  
  
“Can it, Leonie,” he snapped, not even turning to look at her. He just tried to focus his eyes on the empty bowl on the table in front of Carlos.  
  
“All I’m saying is that you can’t be mad at Carlos for not being ready when you are the reason that none of us are ready,” Leonie said. David’s eyes narrowed on the bowl and he wished he could break the ceramic just from his intense stare. He needed to break something. “I mean, Laura doesn’t have the shrinking spell ready either. She’s been a little busy using all her magic to contact your selfish ass in the dungeon.”  
  
“Don’t you dare call me selfish!” David yelled. “You have no idea what I have given up to be here right now. To be doing this work. To be saving the people of Florenzia from the evil that is that monarchy. From the plight that we live in every day because of haughty kings and queens that don’t know the first time about our life. I have sacrificed everything for this revolution and the people of Florenzia. So, don’t you dare call me selfish for being the most sleeveless person in this fucking room.”  
  
“You didn’t have to paint that mural!” Leonie shouted back, dropping her arms to her side as she walked out from behind the dining table. “You didn’t have to get thrown in the dungeon.”  
  
“I am so sick and tired of hearing about that damn mural and that fucking dungeon,” David said loudly, throwing his head back as his cheeks tingled with fire. He laughed with a bit of a mad edge as he threw his arms up. “I mean, so what? There is nothing to fucking talk about. It’s in the past. It’s over. It’s all fucking over. Don’t you get that? It’s all over and I’m here. I picked this! Why can’t you all just be happy with that?”  
  
“What the fuck is wrong with you, man?” Leonie asked. Her eyes narrowed and her face scrunched in confusion as she stopped just shy of the drafting table and crossed her arms.  
  
“There is nothing wrong with me!” David shouted. He couldn’t feel his chest, he was so out of breath, but he didn’t care. He just turned to Leonie, taking a step away from the table. “I am just tired of talking about things that don’t matter. What matters is—”  
  
“I know, I know,” Leonie said, putting one hand up to stop David from coming any closer. He stopped, a bit taken back as she continued. “Ending the monarchy. Using our voices. Telling them that we aren’t happy and we won’t be until that son of a bitch is off the throne and the throne is burned to the ground with him. You don’t have to tell me that or yell at me about it. I’m with you on this. I always have been. King Matteo needs to feel the consequences of—”  
  
“For the last fucking time, this isn’t about Matteo!” David said, loud and deliberate, seething with every word.  
  
“David, calm down, and—” Leonie tried to interrupt him, but he just continued. He didn’t even realize how tight his fists were clenched and how he was getting way too close to Leonie.  
  
“This isn’t about Matteo,” David shouted, body tense and face red. “The only thing he has ever done wrong was be born into the royal family. This isn’t about Matteo. It never has been and it never will be. This is about the monarchy. This is about his father. He is the one that actually played an active role in the destruction of this kingdom, in the war, in the deaths of thousands and the devastation that came from all of that. Matteo is not the one who ruined my life and I will not have anyone saying that he is a part of any of this. His father is the one who ruined everything we ever had, and that is why we are stealing his statue.” David paused for a moment, the mention of the statue bringing him back down to earth enough to realize he was inches away from Leonie’s face. She didn’t look mad anymore, just more concerned than David had ever seen. He stepped back, unclenched his fists, and walked back to the drafting table. “Which we are doing tonight, by the way. Stealing the statue. So, Carlos, get your stuff ready. I don’t care what other work you have to do. I need the tools ready by the time the sun goes down. And Laura it doesn’t matter what spell you have ready, just be ready with something that can get that statue to Carlos’ basement. Contact our godmother if you have to. I know Genevieve doesn't love this revolution stuff, but you know she’d help if we asked. So just figure it out. And, everyone else, we will meet at the metal shop an hour after sundown. Come ready to do the work that we all signed up for. Okay, meeting over.”  
  
With that, David turned away from the drafting table and started walking to the back door. He didn’t care that he was a fugitive. What royal guard was going to be waiting in their tiny vegetable garden? He needed some fucking air.   
  
“No, don’t walk away,” Leonie called out through the silence. David was ready to just ignore her, but then she continued and he couldn’t bring himself to turn the doorknob in his hand. “David, stop running away from everything that hurts. Get back over here and tell us what the fuck is going on with you.”  
  
David closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the door.  
  
_“Running away.” That is what I do, isn’t it?_  
  
For someone who had been running his whole life, it had taken David so long to realize it. But standing there about to leave his friends, thinking about all the other times he had fucked off though that same back door, remembering how he had left Matteo that very morning, even recognizing that his peace with their constant interruptions wasn’t normal— standing there, it was impossible not to be self-aware in a way he truly never had been.   
  
“There is nothing going with me,” David hissed into the door, trying to deny the realization that was sinking into his shaking body.  
  
“Bullshit. You have a temper, sure, but this is on another level,” Leonie said. Her voice wasn’t entirely cutthroat. Masked behind her frustration was a care that David knew he should have appreciated, but he vehemently did not appreciate. “You’ve been on edge this whole time, and now you are yelling about shit that doesn’t even make sense. You’re so defensive, more so than usual. You barely told us anything about your time inside and the things you’ve been saying don’t sound like you. And you are protecting the king. The king, David. Or, well, no, you aren’t protecting the king. You are protecting Matteo. You are drawing this line between Matteo and the monarchy. And you said he was the reason you weren’t tortured. What happened while you were inside?”  
  
“Why can’t you just mind your own business for once in your life, Leonie?” David asked, turning his head to look at her as he dropped his hand from the doorknob.  
  
“You made your business my business the minute you made yourself Florenzia’s savior and convinced me to put my life on the line for this revolution,” Leonie said harshly, stepping forward to him. But then she dropped her arms to her side and her voice softened. “No, actually, you made your business my business the minute we decided to be best friends. You and me? We’re family.”  
  
“David, why don’t you just tell all them the truth?” Laura asked from the dining table. David didn’t want to focus on the exhausted tone in her voice and or the fact that Matteo’s voice was dancing through his head again.  
  
_See, family. Like I said. You can trust them with your heart._  
  
“What truth?” Abdi asked. David turned to watch as Abdi and Carlos’ faces both changed from frightened to curious.  
  
“Yeah, what’s going on?” Carlos asked. David glanced away, catching a glimpse of Linn on the kitchen counter eating her stew. Even she looked attentive and interested to hear.  
  
“Come on, David,” Leonie said, trying to push him with the intense look on her face more than her words. Leonie meant business. David knew there was no chance he was going to get out of there without telling them the truth. Leonie would push him forever and if he stormed out without coming clean, he could kiss stealing the statue goodbye once again.

So, he leaned his back against the door, a bit woozy from the idea that he was about to tell them the truth. Even as his knees went weak and his eyes flew to the ceiling, a little part of David was almost ready to say it. It was the part that felt a bit floaty from Matteo’s voice in his head and was glad to have a best friend who wouldn’t let him linger in his own stubbornness.

“Things between Matteo and I... we...” David started. He stopped himself, though, when he realized he was just a few words away from outing Matteo. He paused, considered a way to process, then continued, chest pounding and voice shaking. “I may have, sort of, developed some feelings for him.”  
  
“Like romantic feelings?” Carlos asked, dumbfounded.  
  
David took a deep breath, scanning the faces looking back at him. Laura, of course, didn’t look shocked, and from the way Leonie’s expression barely changed, David was sure she had already figured it out. But Linn looked decently surprised as she continued eating, and Carlos and Abdi looked absolutely perplexed.  
  
“Yes, romantic,” David said. He wasn’t sure if his burning cheeks were still from his outburst, from embarrassment or from the fond memories of Matteo he couldn’t hold at bay.  
  
“Whoa,” Carlos breathed out, turning his head in thought.  
  
“But he’s the king,” Abdi said. “And you’re, well, you’re you.”  
  
“I just don’t understand how this could’ve even happened,” Leonie said. She still sounded upset and quite unimpressed, but she wasn’t as mad as David was anticipating. “I mean, I was thinking maybe this was the case from all that stuff you were saying about him, but, you and the king? Seriously? Of all people in the world, you guys fell for each other?”  
  
“I, I, don’t know. It just sort of happened,” David stuttered. He wasn’t sure how he was really supposed to explain any of this without outing Matteo or exposing too much of himself. “I’m sorry. But—”  
  
“Wait, is Matteo gay?” Linn asked, interrupting David as she looked up at him. Suddenly, all the eyes that were already on David felt ten times more intense. Clearly, he was already failing at the first part of his mission of nondisclosure.   
  
“No, no, no, he’s definitely not gay,” David said quickly. He kept talking, hoping that his ability to come up with ideas on the fly wouldn’t fail him. “It was one-sided. He never had feelings for me. It was a killer interrogation tactic. He did a lot of the interrogation, and I guess he was flirting, and it was just sort of hard to resist or something. I don’t know. But it’s over now. I mean, it never really happened to begin with. Because, like, I said, he was faking the whole time. But I did get to know him, the real him, and I swear what I said is true; he is not the villain in this story.”  
  
“He’s not the villain but he employs a sick interrogation plan to make you fall for him?” Leonie asked. He wasn’t shocked that she was already poking holes in his cover story.  
  
“That’s really twisted,” Abdi said before David had a chance to come up with a response to Leonie. “But, I mean, if you say that he is a decent guy, then I trust you. You’re the only one of us who actually knows him.”  
  
“But—” Leonie started, trying to push David even further, but getting stopped by Laura.  
  
“Wait, Leonie,” she interrupted. “Did it work?”  
  
David looked over to Laura at the dining table, confused as to what exactly she was getting at. Laura was the only one in the room who really didn’t need to be asking questions. “Did what work?”  
  
“The interrogation tactic,” Laura said. As everyone began to catch on to her question, David felt their prying eyes on him again. “Did you tell him things about us and our plans?”  
  
“Oh,” David said. He looked down at his feet as his mind flashed back to his and Matteo’s afternoon of confessions. It hadn’t felt very much like a betrayal back then. In the moment, it had felt like a representation of his devotion, a keen example of how safe and connected he felt when Matteo was next to him. But there in his house, stomach churning while he leaned all his weight on the back door as the only people he had left stared back at him, nervous and a few moments away from furious, David felt like the worst person imaginable. “Um, kind of,” David finally mumbled.  
  
“What?” Abdi asked. The disbelief in his voice crushed David’s spirit more than he cared to admit.  
  
“Not details,” David rushed to say, standing up a little taller. He felt small, but he needed to make sure everyone knew they were safe. And that he hadn’t made that big of a mistake. Or maybe he was just trying to convince himself of that. “I didn’t tell him any names. Well, Laura and Leonie. But no one else. And he doesn’t know any details about any of us, like where exactly we work and stuff like that. But, he does know about the statue. And I may have mentioned that we want to overthrow the monarchy. But, I mean, that’s not exactly a secret considering we are an anti-monarchy group.”  
  
“What the fuck, David?” Leonie asked, more hurt than anything.  
  
“Yeah, I mean, if you’re going to be out there falling for people,” Carlos started, sounding pissed in a way that he hardly ever was. “You need to learn how to keep this stuff a secret. It’s not that hard.”  
  
“I wasn’t planning on falling for him,” David said defensively. David was about to cut into Carlos by shouting that he knew nothing about falling for someone from the world of the monarchy, but didn’t have a chance to because Laura stood up from the table as she cleared her throat.  
  
“Okay, so King Matteo knows about the statue,” she said as she walked over to stand next to the abandoned drafting table. “We need to decide if we are still going to enact our plan now that he knows about it.”  
  
“King Matteo at the very least,” Leonie sighed, breaking her eyes away from David. “He’s probably told everyone in that whole palace. I’m surprised they don’t have guards around the statue already.”  
  
“No, no, I don’t think he has told anyone else,” David said. He ignored the frustration radiating off Leonie and the way his stomach still felt exhaustingly upset. He just walked to retake his place at the drafting table. “Matteo hates his dad just as much as we do, if not more. He would never get in the way of a plot to deface his father.”  
  
“And you trust that he wasn’t lying to you?” Laura asked, even though David was pretty sure Laura knew that Matteo and David were not in the business of lying to each other.  
  
“I do. I really do. I can’t explain it, but I really do trust him,” David said, looking out at the disheartened faces that couldn’t look back at him. “But I understand if you guys don’t trust me anymore. I know I messed up. I shouldn’t have let myself develop those feelings. I shouldn’t have told him anything. But it’s over now. The feelings? They’re gone. I’m here. I’m committed to this revolution. I’m sorry for getting thrown in the dungeon, I’m sorry for getting caught up in things with Matteo. So sorry. I totally understand if you don’t want to steal the statue or you don’t want to be a part of this movement or if you don’t want me to be a part of it. This revolution deserves a leader who is loyal, unfaltering, and not so fucking weak.”  
  
“You don’t need to apologize,” Leonie said. She turned to face him with a compassion that seemed to come out of nowhere, not that he was complaining. “I’m sorry I pushed you. And called you selfish. I know that’s not true in the slightest. And you are not weak, either. We need you as our leader. There is no one else who cares enough about this movement to give up everything you have given up to be here.”  
  
David looked down, not even meaning to cast his eyes on the map on the table. He just needed to look away because the truth that Leonie was speaking was way too much for him. There was no way she didn’t understand exactly what had truly happened with Matteo. David knew Leonie could push and push and be as sharp as a knife, but at the end of the day, the last thing she wanted to do was leave David feeling like shit.  
  
“So,” David said authoritatively as he looked back at his crew. “The statue, tonight? Now is not the time for us to back down. We need to be a united front and fight for what we believe in.”  
  
“I’m in if these losers are,” Leonie said, mixing affection and haughtiness.  
  
“Me too,” Abdi said, standing up. “You’re right, David. This is important work. We’ve gotta do it. How about you, Carlos?”  
  
“If I get back to the shop now and ignore everything else, I should have time to get everything ready,” Carlos said, slowly standing as well. “But, I’m docking your pay to make up for the overtime I am gonna have to put in to catch back up.”  
  
“Fine by me,” David said, smiling. “Linn? Laura?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m down,” Linn said. “But you’re going to have to be the one to help Laura practice her spells this afternoon. You know she’s going to want to.”  
  
“That I can do,” David said, to Laura who smiled back at him. “Okay,” David said, serious and commanding again as he looked around at everyone. He was finally feeling back to his old self. He had his crew by his side, and they were going to help him take down the monarchy and achieve justice for the innumerous ways the world had wronged him. “An hour after sundown at the Schmidt's shop. Be ready to give ‘em hell.”  
  
———  
  
The sunset on Clarence City, but David felt confident that the city was still going to be ablaze that night. It wasn’t the small flashlight that Laura was stuffing into her coat pocket or the headlamp Carlos would need to play his part that was going to illuminate the city. David had never been more sure that it was the light of their revolution that was going to illuminate the city and the whole kingdom of Florenzia. That assurance was the only thing he let his mind think about all afternoon and all evening, and until he slipped a little bit when Laura saw him putting on the thick, coarse black cloak.  
  
“Where did you get that?” she asked him. He kept his eyes trained on the ground as he lifted the hood onto his head.  
  
_It’s Matteo’s,_ he thought for a brief second, before his reason and focus set back in. “I don’t exactly have anything of my own this perfect for tonight. I really can’t afford to get caught.”  
  
“No, you can’t,” Laura said, coming over to him as she tied her long burgundy coat at her wait. “So please be careful. Keep your voice down, stay focused, and don’t get cocky. Please.”  
  
“I won’t,” David said, barely looking up at her. He really meant it. He still wasn’t opposed to the idea of being taken hostage for his cause or even dying for it, but the idea of ending up in the castle with Matteo again scared him so deeply. He was not ready to see him again, face him after everything, and he didn’t think he would ever be. “We’re going to be late,” David said when he realized Matteo was taking up too much space in his head.  
  
Laura nodded, and they were off, silently slinking through the nearly empty city streets. They made it to the Schmidt’s metal shop in barely any time, and even though David was right to be worried about being late, they actually weren’t the last one there.  
  
“Sorry, sorry,” Abdi said, rushing in after David unlocked the door for him. “I had a last-minute errand to run and it took longer than I thought. But I’m here, ready to bring down the monarchy!”  
  
“Slow your roll, Ates,” Leonie said looking up from the pile of tools she was helping Carlos pack into his backpack.  
  
“Right, we have to—” David said. He stopped when he noticed that Abdi was wearing a brown messenger bag stuffed to the brim over his all black outfit. “Dude, what’s in the bag? It looks like it is going to get in the way, don’t you think?”  
  
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Abdi said, trying so hard to be nonchalant.  
  
David would have tried to get the truth out of him or at least convince him to leave it behind, but he heard the zipper of Carlos’ backpack— it was time to go.  
  
“Okay, let’s hit the streets,” David called out as Leonie and Carlos stood up. “Remember, Linn is leading us on a path that avoids as many street lights as possible. Talk to no one, move fast and no matter what, even if we get caught, especially if we get caught, this stays peaceful.”  
  
Everyone nodded, and they were off, sneaking through the city exactly as planned. Things were going very much as intended, and David knew it was too early to start feeling proud, but he couldn’t help it as he looked around at everyone, clad in the darkest colors they could find, quiet and determined.  
  
When they arrived at the statue in the middle of the dimly lit town square, David gestured for everyone to come closer and broke the silence, whispering, “Looks like we’ve got the whole place to ourselves, but Linn and Leonie—”  
  
“We’re on lookout. We know,” Leonie said, already starting to turn away to get to work. Linn followed her after lovingly squeezing Laura’s shoulder.  
  
“Okay, Carlos, it’s your time to shine,” David said. “Abdi and I’ve got your back, whatever you need.”  
  
Carlos nodded and started walking to the statue, taking his backpack off as he did. Abdi and David followed him, Laura staying put as she began mentally preparing herself for her role to come.  
  
David looked up at the tall statue in front of him, craning his head up to see the crown.   
  
The statue was exactly 9 and a half feet tall and was made of solid bronze. It sat on top of a five-foot-tall block of smooth, dark stone that was engraved with the years of the king’s reign and the quote he was most known for; “Florenzia is a land of enduring light that no man will ever put out so long as we keep our swords close to our hearts, fight with the vigor of our ancestors and stay strong through hard times.”  
  
The rendering of the king was extremely kind, making him out to be larger than life with his extravagant militarily garb, shining crown, and of course, his sharp sword, which he held to his chest. His other arm was thrust into the air in victory and his face was stoically triumphant.  
  
Normally whenever David stopped to stare at the statue, he thought about the hypocrisy in his demeanor, the cowardice made clear in the irony of the quote and the absolute wastefulness evident in the fact that the kingdom had chosen to spend its money on a luxurious statue from another kingdom instead of spending money on the betterment of its own people or at least giving the job to local Florenzians.  
  
But this time, when David looked up at that statue, he didn’t see a terrible king propped up by a terrible kingdom. He saw an absentee father who ran away from his ill wife and terrified son in the face of hardship.  
  
_“‘Running away.’ That is what I do, isn’t it?”_ David remembered thinking earlier that day.  
  
_Fuck. I am the biggest hypocrite, calling out this guy for running away from Matteo when I did the same fucking thing.  
  
See, he’s better off without me.  
  
And, you’re better off without him, too. I mean, just look around! This is where you are supposed to be. This is what you have been planning for weeks, months!_  
  
“Hey, man,” Carlos hissed, trying to shout quietly. His voice snapped David away from his thoughts. “Can you hold this light for me? Headlamp’s not enough. And, Laura, can you start your magic?”  
  
David nodded, wordlessly walking to where Carlos was working at the base of the statue with Abdi’s assistance. He did as Carlos asked and heard Laura’s quiet footsteps as she walked closer to the statue. He watched it as Laura used her magic to hold it in place as Carlos got closer and closer to detaching it from the base. But all looking up at the statue again did was force his thoughts to race yet again.  
  
_You can’t get caught up in thinking about Matteo right now, okay? You said it yourself, this isn’t about him. This is about how that shell of a man used his crown and his power to enact harm on the world, harm that he thought was acceptable because he wasn’t taught to think about anyone but himself. But it was harm that ruined lives. He ruined your life.  
  
He didn’t ruin my life. I am still here, aren’t I?  
  
Okay, then he ruined your dad’s life._  
  
David’s mind went silent as he felt his heart taking over. He looked down to the ground as memories of his father flooded back to him— sitting on his father’s lap as they read the same two storybooks over and over; playing catch in the yard with Laura and his father until David’s shoulder was sore; racing his father down the road and growing out of the triumph of his father letting him win; Genevieve teaching both him and his father how to sew, but David being ten times better at it than his father; his father writing him notes to go in his lunch on the days that they had enough food to send him to school with one; seeing his father sitting on the edge of his bed, crying just a little bit, and David climbing on the bed to hug him from behind; his father stepping in with a calm authority when he and Laura argued over her keeping David up with her late night use of magic; watching his father shave in the mornings; acting out fairy tales, myths and their own made up stories with Leonie on the makeshift stage that was their front porch for his father, their audience of one; his father carrying David on his shoulders on the way to his first day of school and telling him, “go forth, be kind and learn something, champ,” as David skipped down the path into the one room schoolhouse; his father holding his hand on the way to school on the day he was scheduled to report for his deployment and telling him “don’t forget to keep being kind and learning new things every day, but also don’t forget that you can change the world for the better, champ. I call you that for a reason,” as David hugged his father tighter than his nine-year-old arms should have been able to.  
  
_Don’t think about the royal guard on the doorstep and Laura’s scream and Genevieve’s tears and your clenched fist because you knew you were the man of the house even then._  
  
David looked back up at the statue. He was back to seeing the evil king who killed his father and jump-started the rage that seeped through every inch of his body. He saw nothing more, nothing less.  
  
“Are you getting close?” David asked, chest filling with spite. “I’m ready to see this man fall to the ground and rust in the moldy basement of the metal shop that should have been tasked with crafting his fraudulent bronze legacy.”  
  
“Damn, dude,” Carlos said, glancing up at him. David tried to calm his body down just a little, but he didn’t to be too calm; he wanted to be enraged. “But, um, yeah, I’m actually done except for one last hit to the back.”  
  
David turned to look at Laura, her eyes closed and palms facing out at her side. “You good?” David asked a little louder than he wanted to.  
  
Laura let out a slow breath, and a moment later whispered just loud enough to be heard, “I’ve got it. Do it.”  
  
Then, with one last hit from Carlos, the statute was free from its base. It remained still in the air as Laura concentrated on holding it in place. The boys quickly got up, turning off their lights and gathering Carlos’ tools as they scurried to the side. They looked back to the statue as Laura started moving it, slowly laying it down on the cobblestones below.  
  
David felt a little breathless as he watched the statue collapsing down onto the ground, a wild satisfaction trickling up through his body. He didn’t want to let himself get too pleased— they still had work to do— but standing there a fair distance from the fallen statue made David feel like he was fulfilling his life’s purpose. He tried to quell that feeling, but Abdi said the words he couldn’t let himself say.   
  
“We did it. I mean, we’re halfway there, but we are really doing this thing!” Abdi cheered. He was a bit too loud with an air of giddy, childlike excitement. “That bastard is on the ground!”  
  
“Damn right he is,” David said, letting himself slip into a bit of juvenile pride. He put an arm out to clasp hands with Abdi and pull him into a fast brotherly hug. Abdi’s face was all smile as David pulled back. “Now,” he directed, back to mature leader mode. “Go switch with Linn so she can help Laura get through the next spell.”  
  
“Sure thing,” Abdi said. Then, running backwards, he called out, “This is the best night ever!  
  
David smiled as he heard a loud shush coming from Leonie on the other side of the town square. He crossed his arms over his proud chest. _This really is the best night ever. Or wait. I told that to Matteo. Shit. I was just starting to forget about him._  
  
David felt his face falling just shy of a grimace at his thoughts. But then he heard Carlos clear his throat as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and stepped up to stand shoulder to shoulder with David.  
  
“You know,” Carlos started a bit hesitant and guarded. “I have a girlfriend.”  
  
“Really? That’s great,” David said, looking to Carlos with a new smile, happy to have something else to think about. “I didn’t realize I had missed so much while I was gone.”  
  
“Actually, we’ve been dating for three years,” Carlos said quickly.  
  
“What the fuck?” David immediately asked, blinking fast in shock. But then he noticed that Carlos was nervously staring straight ahead. “Hey, man, it’s okay. Just, why didn’t you say anything?”  
  
“Because she’s nobility,” Carlos said. He finally looked David in the eye.  
  
David instantly felt his stomach drop. It was all too clear as to why Carlos was choosing to finally reveal this information to him.   
  
“You know,” David started. He shook his head and looked down at his feet in the near dark, a bit of the fury he thought he was finished with starting to bubble up. “I really don’t want talk abou—”  
  
“We don’t have to,” Carlos interrupted, quick and casual. “I just wanted you to know because we’re friends. Friends tell each other things.”  
  
“Three years, Carlos,” David said with his eyebrows raised as he looked back at him. Carlos’s mellow vibe was certainly helping David stay calm as his insistent feelings kept simmering inside of him.  
  
“We’ve known each other for five months, dude,” Carlos said with a bit of teasing in his voice. “Abdi knows. Leonie may have figured it out by now.”  
  
“She most definitely has,” David said. He wanted to join Carlos as he softly laughed at that, but he couldn’t. The idea that Leonie was also on to David was too much for him. Carlos’s laugh, though, faded as he started talking again.  
  
“I didn’t tell you because we do sort of keep it on the down-low since her parents aren’t my biggest fan. And I thought you might be mad at me for dating someone from the world of the monarchy. But we went to the academy together, and she’s a great girl. She’s beautiful and smart, very dedicated, really kind— if she likes you— and she wants to make the world better. I love her, even if we do fight a lot and she would probably love to be queen. No, I know she would love to. That’s been a point of, um, ‘contention’ as she put it.”  
  
“Is she a Machwitz?” David asked, listening attentively.  
  
“Yeah. Kiki,” Carlos answered. “But she doesn’t know about the revolution. I didn’t want to put us at risk.”  
  
“Okay, now you are just trying to make me feel bad,” David said. He was trying to sound light and playful, not like he was being reminded of his betrayal in a way that made him feel like he was being stabbed in the back of his head.  
  
“I just wanted you to understand why I was so pissed earlier,” Carlos said. David could sense a little bit of his subtle brand of irritation in his voice. “I’ve spent five months lying to the woman I love and who loves me back. And you can’t even keep your mouth shut for a guy you barely know.”  
  
“Still making me feel like shit, Carlos,” David said. He forced a smile as he tried not to yell something he would regret. He hoped that the restraint in his voice would make it clear that he was practically begging Carlos to get to the point and stop twisting the knife.  
  
“Dating is hard,” Carlos said resolutely. He let out a sigh and he fixed his gaze straight ahead again. “Like, really hard. It’s always going to be complicated and messy. Then we have this extra layer of social classes and the monarchy and the work we’re trying to do. But it’s worth it, I really think it is. To have this person who you can share your life with; the ups, the downs, all of it. You may not have gotten things right this time, but no one gets it right in the beginning. And you’re the strongest person I know. You’ll be okay and someday, you’ll find a way to have the love you deserve.”  
  
It was silent for a moment as Carlos turned to look back at David, but then Laura’s voice broke the moment. Carlos looked away and started towards Laura and the statue. For once in his life, David didn’t exactly catch what was being said around him, and not just because everyone was keeping their voice hush.  
  
No, David was stuck staring at Carlos’ back as he walked away, replaying the words he had said. He wasn’t sure what to do with them, but there was something just a bit calming about them. Maybe it was simply Carlos’ aura of harmony. Or maybe it was the fact that he was out there in the middle of a successful act of protest that he had been waiting for his whole life. Or maybe it was the fact that for the second time in one day, someone had told him love was worth it and he deserved to have it.  
  
As David felt a few fingers pressing into his collar bone, he came back to reality and decided it was the middle reason.  
  
“Earth to David,” Linn said, retracting her hand. David focused his eyes on her, then on Laura and Carlos by the statue.  
  
“Did you do the spell?” David asked. The statue looked a little smaller, now more like 6 feet instead of 9 and a half, but not definitely not small enough or light enough to carry.  
  
“This is as far as I got,” Laura explained, sounding so drained. “It took so much energy to do the first spell to completion and just to do a fraction of this one. More energy than it should take. It is that same kind of block I faced when I was trying to contact you in the dungeon. It seems like there is some kind of weird magical barrier when it comes to anything royal.”  
  
David didn’t have time to think about what that could possibly mean, because Carlos started talking.  
  
“Then what do we do?” Carlos asked. “I don’t think the six of us can carry this giant thing back without getting caught. What about that spell you mentioned about making things lighter?  
  
“I could try, but I am not so sure I’ll have enough energy to do it properly,” Laura said, then looked to David desperately. “I need an easy, low energy spell that could help us. Can you think of anything?”  
  
David looked away from Laura, furrowing his brow as he glanced down, racking his brain to remember anything that could be helpful. He felt like he was coming up blank, trying to recall any memories of spells, but struggling to think of anything. That is until he unconsciously shifted his eyes over to the statue on the ground, and memories of his father came flooding back, one in particular sparking the answer to their quandary.  
  
“The dancing spell,” David said, a bit in awe as the light bulb went off in his head. He looked up to Laura and saw her looking back at him with the same wonderstruck expression. He had no doubt she was overcome with memories of her own.  
  
“Of course, of course,” she said, smile bright. David knew if she wasn’t so tired, she would have run over to hug him. “You’re a genius. We should have just done this from the beginning.”  
  
“What’s going on? Dancing spell?” Carlos asked, looking back and forth between the siblings.  
  
Laura didn’t answer. She only shooed Carlos out of the way so she could get to work harnessing the little bit of energy it took to cast the simple spell.

David crossed his arms satisfiedly as Carlos, still confused, came back over to stand with him and Linn. “Don’t worry about it, man,” David said. “It’s just some Schreibner family lore.”  
  
When David was young, his godmother Genevieve would use a spell to make random objects come to life and dance around the house. It always made David smile. It made him feel like the world around him was filled with joy that just needed unlocking, like there was possibility in every single thing around him. It was a time when David didn’t feel like everything in the universe was out to get him or bring him down. It was a time when he still believed in a sure-fire path out of the darkness that surrounded him more and more every day.  
  
So often that path looked like dancing kitchen chairs and tea kettles and rugs and pencils. It was a spell that Genevieve had always used when he and Laura had had a hard day, which was fairly often, unfortunately. It was a tradition that his mother had started, not that he had ever seen her enchant their silverware. He had just heard about it from Laura.  
  
Laura had also told him how it was really their father that was making those magical moments possible for them. She was older, so she noticed the way their father would pull Genevieve aside after David came home from school with a wordless pout or a new bruise on his knee that had definitely not come from having too much fun on the playground. Whispering almost out of Laura’s earshot, their father would beg Genevieve to perform the spell to brighten David’s day. She would always respond with the fact that it was Junah’s signature spell, and that it felt wrong to do it after she passed. But then without fail, their father would fight for David’s joy, she would give in with a smile and silently enchant whatever was closest. David smiled every time.  
  
And he smiled again when the statue rose from the ground, finding its way to its feet and bowing low as it began to dance.  
  
It was fantastical. It was silly. It was even a bit comical. It didn’t scream hard ass revolutionary in the slightest. But it made David smile.  
  
It made him smile because it was assuming, fun, beautiful even. But mostly because it reminded him of his mother and his father. He missed them so much, but for once, he didn’t miss them in a way that made him want to break something, maybe even break himself. That night, he missed them in a way that made him want to smile because all of a sudden, he was a kid again.  
  
But he wasn’t a kid. He was a grown-up. He was an 18-year-old reigning over a revolution that was inspired by his parents, a revolution that was succeeding and well on its way to vindicating David’s soul. He was surrounded by the people of his revolution, people who loved him and believed in him, people who understood the importance of their fight and would always stand by him in that fight. The moment swirled up around him and David felt infinite.  
  
“Is the statue...dancing?” Leonie asked, hesitantly approaching David from behind. Next to him, Linn and Carlos were both cracking rare smiles. Laura still stood watching the statue as it waltzed in place with its arms around air as if it had an imaginary partner. She had a childlike awe about her that David hadn’t seen from her in so long.  
  
Leonie thought, didn’t quite seem to share the sentiment, as she stood with her arms crossed, looking up at David, confused.  
  
“Oh, come on, lighten up,” David said, playfully shoving her shoulder. “I mean, it’s weird, but you can’t say that it isn’t kinda fun.”  
  
“Well,” Leonie started. Then, for the first time in a long time, David heard her start laughing. It was still a little restrained and out of practice, but it was a laugh nonetheless. “It’s definitely something.”  
  
David fell into his own laughter, free and strong, and pulled Leonie into a hug, watching her mouth turn up into a smile. He rested his chin atop her head as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “We don’t get to laugh enough,” he said.   
  
“Yeah, I guess we don’t,” Leonie sighed, as her laugh subsided. David just squeezed her a little tighter. They stayed like that for a moment, frozen in time as everyone watched in delight and amazement as the statue began to move from its place, traveling through the square as it danced a beautiful waltz like none David had ever seen. But then Leonie looked up at David and spoke with an assumed voice. “Um, I think we should start packing up before that thing dances its way out of here without us.”  
  
David nodded and let go of Leonie as the statue sped up its pace and started heading towards one of the streets connected to the square. Carlos also broke his stare, and started gathering his tools with Leonie’s help. Without David even having to tell them to, Laura and Linn started following the statue to make sure the crew never lost it.  
  
David took a few steps up towards the base of the statue, rereading the quote and then turning around to look at his crew. If he had held back his pride before, now it was out in full force. They had worked so hard for this moment, and they really had done it. It hadn’t turned out as planned— David never could have predicted bringing the statue to life so it would dance for them— but it felt right.  
  
David crossed his arms over his chest, straightened his back, lifted his chin, and felt his lungs fully expand as he took in a deep breath.  
  
_Yeah, this is—_  
  
“David!” Abdi shouted, coming up behind him and nearly knocking him off his feet. “I have a surprise for you before we go!”  
  
“Oh my god,” David responded, clutching his chest as he felt his heart rate skyrocket. “You can’t just yell like that, let alone my name,” he hissed back, turning to Abdi who looked innocent and apologetic.   
  
“Oh, sorry, sorry, right,” Abdi stuttered, deflating a little.   
  
David immediately felt guilty for reacting so strongly and raised a hand to Abdi’s shoulder. “It’s fine, man. What’s in the bag?”   
  
“Wait, how did you know it was in the bag?” Abdi asked, but then he shook his head and grabbed the bag that was still slung across his body. “Doesn’t matter. Anyways, remember that manifesto you wrote at the end of summer? Well, I have a friend with magic, and I asked her to make us some copies.”  
  
Abdi opened the bag and David peered inside. It was filled to the brim with dozens of pocket-sized copies of his manifesto, a 26-page handwritten document that he had slaved over for weeks with the hope that someday, every single Florenzian would read his words and cite them as the beginning of the monarchy’s end. David’s breath caught as he started to get emotional, seeing them all there just waiting to be read. But his logical side just had to kick in, stifling the overwhelming feelings. “Wait,” he said, looking back to Abdi, “Is your friend with magic my sister?  
  
“No! I actually have another friend with magic, she’s super cool. Her name is Sam, and she is very pretty,” Abdi rambled on. David raised an interested eyebrow at how giddy Abdi got before he focused back in. “But that’s not the point. The point is that I thought we could leave these here, so people could understand that we didn’t just do this to be stupid pranksters. This is real. And now everyone will know. And there are no names in this so it’s safe. But I totally get it if you don’t want to, though. It wasn’t a part of the plan and I—”  
  
“No, no, Abdi, this is perfect,” David said tightening his grip on Abdi’s shoulder reassuringly. “I love it. Thank you.”  
  
“Oh, you’re welcome,” Abdi said. He smiled big as David turned them around to face the base of the statue. Together, they scattered the manifestos across the base, until the top of the stone could barely be seen under the cream-colored booklets.  
  
As Abdi repositioned the last few, David stepped back and looked at the beautiful sight. He glanced up at the empty space where the statue had once stood, then back to the street that the statue was starting to dance down. The statue was surrounded by Linn, Laura, Leonie, and Carlos who were trying to keep it at bay, waiting for Abdi and David to join them.  
  
“Hey, you two, this giant dancing statue waits for no man!” Leonie called out. 

David couldn’t even be mad at her for her volume. All he could do was smile grandly, and run towards them all, Abdi not far behind. When they reached the street, the crew fell back from the statue, and it flew forward at max speed, dancing strongly and powerfully down the streets almost like it knew exactly where it was going. And maybe it did. David never really understood exactly how the dancing spell worked, but it always seemed to work in his and Laura’s favor.  
  
As the statue bounded through the streets, the crew did too, running behind it, smiles and laughter in the air. There was nothing holding them back, and David could feel the joy pulsating through his veins.  
  
_This is exactly where I am supposed to be. This is my destiny. This is where I belong. I don’t need Matteo to make me feel this way when I have these people, these people like me— my friends, my family, and, holy fuck, I feel like I’m running with every broken down, scared and voiceless Florenzian right now. These are my people— damned, lost, and forgotten misfits. And we are standing up, fighting, doing something real and tangibly impactful. This is what I am supposed to be doing. This is my life. This is me. This is the love I am destined to feel and goddamn, I’m going to feel it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 13…which doesn’t have a title yet…it’s a work in progress, but it will get there! And, also, don’t worry, we’ll pick things up with Matteo next chapter! <3


	13. Embers and Fires Within

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> This chapter is on the longer side, and I think that might be a growing trend now that we are getting pretty deep into the back half of this story. Also, this chapter is pretty dense and emotionally heavy, so take care while reading, my friends! 
> 
> Specific content warnings for a depressive episode, a mention of prior self-harm, and internalized oppression. David’s backstory is explored here in his own voice, and I tried to infuse his narrative with every ounce of care, respect and accuracy as possible. Once again state for transparency's sake, I am a queer disabled woman, but I am white and cis. As always, please let me know if anything needs editing or deleting, or if you want to discuss the heavy topics in this story. I’m always here for a dialogue <3
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

It wasn’t the first time Matteo had felt like this, but it was the first time that he felt it so deeply and profoundly that he couldn’t ignore it. He was used to feeling small, like the world was pressing down on him from every direction and he had nothing within him to push back with. That feeling of helplessness against the world and that feeling of exhaustion at the mere thought of existence was always lurking beneath Matteo’s skin.  
  
But in the hours after Matteo returned to castle from David’s house, those feelings multiplied and were joined by many others that Matteo was painfully acquainted with; the feeling of restless sleeplessness, the feeling of a foggy mind overwhelmed by so much unprocessable information, the feeling of being intensely overwhelmed by everything in the harsh physical world swelling around him, the feeling of severe self-hatred because he had once again failed, but this time at something he thought he could do and actually cared about.   
  
What Matteo wasn’t entirely used to was the feeling of being stuck. He had always felt stuck in the metaphorical sense— stuck in the throne, stuck with a broken family, stuck in the closet, stuck in conversations and situations he didn’t want to be a part of. But never physically stuck, not like this.  
  
He had fallen into bed upon returning to his room and had not moved from his spot under the covers. He didn’t really know how long he had been there, head pressed into the side of his pillow, the lights off, and the air heavy. Everything felt heavy, really. There was no better way of describing it besides heavy.  
  
Matteo’s body felt heavy, like it would take all his strength to move his arm, let alone turn over it bed. It was abysmal because it made him feel even more powerless than he already felt. But more than that, it was infuriating because the sun with rising and light was beginning to pour into his room, hurting Matteo’s eyes. He wasn’t even sure if his eyes were open or closed, but they hurt. They stung.  
  
His eyes stung and he felt stupid because he hadn’t realized how long he had been in bed. If the sun was rising, that meant it had set and stayed down for hours. Matteo hadn’t witnessed that. He didn’t think he had fallen asleep, but maybe he had. Or maybe he was just so far from himself that his memory was shot or his awareness of the world around him was just fading away.  
  
But no, it definitely wasn’t fading because the sun was so painfully bright. Matteo squinted his eyes shut, head pulsating at the subtle movement. He had a headache. A stomach ache too, though, he couldn’t if that was from hunger or just emptiness.  
  
He most certainly felt empty everywhere else. That was the one thing Matteo knew for sure that morning. He had known it from the moment he dropped the blanket onto his sensitive and reeling body. There was nothing left in him to work with, nothing propelling him forward, nothing motivating him to do anything and absolutely no energy.  
  
As the sun rose, the pain in his body intensified and as it did, it cleared a bit of the haze hiding his brain from himself. It was with that little bit of cognitive ability that he put together two things. First; the tiredness filling his bones and sinking his body into the mattress must have partly come from his lack of sleep. And second; he could still smell David in his sheets.  
  
It wasn’t that long ago that he had stayed up almost all night with David, kissing and touching and filling each other up with a joy and a liveliness that Matteo missed almost more than the feeling of David next to him.  
  
Almost. Almost more. With the scent of David trailing up through his nostrils and into his brain, how could he not long for his strong arms around him, his intoxicating smirk kissing his lips and his delicate curls soft against his cheek as they nuzzled closer together? There was a nagging in Matteo’s abdomen that told him David wouldn’t solve everything, but when David smelled like pure happiness scattered on the sheets, all he could do was wish that David would climb back in through the window and snap Matteo’s life back into place.  
  
All Matteo could really do, though, was wish and take a fistful of the sheets in his hands, as if that could make David any closer to him. It didn’t. And Matteo knew deep in his gut that even if it did, it wouldn’t matter.  
  
Matteo wasn’t just tired, he was exhausted, depleted. It was the overwhelming weight of everything that had happened since he had last been in his bed. But it was more than that. It was the absolutely, impossibly heavy burden of everything he had been through since he had taken the crown now almost four months ago mixed with the way his brain never quite seemed to behave in a way that aligned with the world's definition of normal. And Matteo knew that. He knew it so well. And if his mind had been less foggy and his heart less timid as he laid alone, miserable in his bed, he could have traced the thread of inevitably back even further, to his earliest memories, to his mother. But even without the conscious thoughts or feelings, he knew in his gut that he had been heading towards this type of crash for a very long time.  
  
That undeniable notion made Matteo’s throat close up and his chest twist with an ache. The pain radiating through his sternum only got worse when he took in a shallow breath through his mouth, tasting the smell of David. As the scent settled on Matteo’s dry throat, Matteo’s mind gave him one last coherent thought before it descended back into the clouds, worn out beyond belief.  
  
_This isn’t David’s fault._  
  
Nothing left to process with, feel with, move with— do anything with— Matteo closed his mouth, tightened his eyes shut even more, and tried to ignore the sun as it streamed in. He stayed like that for a while, wishing so deeply that he had the capacity to turn over in bed to avoid the light. But with the exhaustion diluting his blood and the overwhelming existence of the world around him pressing down on him, moving just wasn’t possible.  
  
It was the light, but also that David smell, the uncharacteristically stiff fabric of the sheets, the sound of stillness echoing through his ears, the poignant taste of dry nothingness on his tongue and, then, the voices just beyond his door.  
  
At first, he couldn’t register who was speaking or what was being said, but as their whispers boomed through his head, things began to clear up. Matteo really wished they had stayed muddled.  
  
“You said to let him have the rest of the day. We did,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, biting back aggression. “But that was yesterday. And now it's mid-morning and he is still in there. There is work to be done.”  
  
“You think he is going to be able to work in this state?” Jonas asked. He sounded like he was harboring some sort of hostility. Matteo hoped it was all directed towards Lieutenant Adamczyk, not him, but he couldn’t quite tell.   
  
“What state?” Lieutenant Adamczyk asked. “We have no idea what is happening in there.”  
  
“But we do, don’t you think?” Jonas responded. Matteo knew what Jonas was hinting at and that he was right, but he still hated to hear the words coming through the locked door and into his space. “I mean, we've seen something like this before with his mom. We have to be honest here.”  
  
“Honest? Like he’s been with us?” Lieutenant Adamczyk asked. “Don’t you think he should have told us all he was gay so we could have dealt with it?”  
  
Matteo just clenched his fists, fingernails driving into his palms as he listened.  
  
“Deal with it?” Jonas asked, shocked and disgusted.  
  
“It is none of your business what he is or isn’t,” Amira said firmly. Matteo couldn’t stop himself from opening his eyes and letting out a relieved breath when he heard Amira’s voice. The exhale hurt his chest and the air felt foreign through his lips but he strained to continue processing Amira’s words enough to understand them. “You don’t get to stand here making assumptions about him and his life. And you certainly don’t get to make judgments like this. You have no right. He doesn’t owe anything to you or anyone else.”  
  
“Exactly,” Jonas said, triumphantly. “And it’s not like he didn’t tell the people he loves and trusts.”  
  
“Jonas,” Amira said. Matteo couldn’t seem to refill his lungs.  
  
“Wait, you both knew?” Lieutenant Adamczyk asked.  
  
“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are not going in there right now,” Amira said. Every word got a little less clear as Matteo shut his eyes again. “You are not going to get a key. You are going to leave Matteo alone and…”  
  
The words faded into nonsense and eventually into nothingness when voices disappeared altogether. In the silence, Matteo pulled his comforter further over his head and plunged his face deeper into his pillow. The move made him feel like he was spinning, even in the black of his closed eyes, but it was worth it. Burying himself deep in his bed was the only way he could block everything out— the sun, the memories of David, the memories of his mother, the scandal he was creating for his friends to deal with, the emotions Matteo couldn’t even try to name, the cold gust of air that came in from the open window. Matteo needed it all to just disappear.  
  
— — —  
  
David blinked his eyes open the day after stealing the statue, but he didn’t exactly know where he was or what the time was as he stuffed his face deeper into his lumpy pillow. It had, after all, been over a week since he had last slept in his own bed and all the nights he’d spent away were marked by less than ideal sleep. The best sleep he had gotten was in Matteo’s bed, but even then, his slumber was short-lived since they had stayed up so late and David had woken up so early.  
  
As David turned over in his bed, he grunted at the sun streaming into the house. Knowing their thin curtains only failed to block out light when the sun hung highest in the sky, David realized it was afternoon. At first, his eyes widened in self-directed frustration; sleeping in so late was something he never, ever did. But then, David felt his body relax as he settled onto his back. His muscles were sore, his bones were heavy beneath his skin, and there was something tantalizing about taking refuge in his bed. His body needed the respite. His mind too.  
  
But nonetheless, David kicked back his thin sheet and got out of bed. He just couldn’t have lived with himself if he had spent the whole day in bed.  
  
He walked over to the dining table where there was a sandwich from his favorite food cart and two notes from Laura. He picked them up, reading them in chronological order.  
  
“I didn’t want to wake you this morning. I figured you needed the sleep. I left for work at my normal time, but I’ll bring home some lunch since I don’t think there is much food in the kitchen right now. Love you. –Laura”  
  
“You were still asleep when Linn and I came home for lunch, so I left your sandwich here for you. You’ll wake up at some point, right? Please do. And eat. But I’m glad you’re getting the rest you deserve. I’ll be home soon, after my shift ends. I love you. –Laura.”  
  
David tossed the notes aside, trying not to burst into tears over the thought of deserving rest. He had never really let himself have rest before. He didn’t want the pain that came along with that revelation, but it was there at the back of his throat.  
  
David swallowed hard and shook his head before sitting down at the table. He grabbed the plate with the sandwich, roughly pulling it towards him. As soon as his hands wrapped around the slightly greasy bun-like bread of the oblong sandwich, his mind began.  
  
_Matteo likes sandwiches._  
  
David tightened his grip, fingernails almost cracking the glossy top of the bread. He loosened his grasp, shaking his head again as he lifted the sandwich to his mouth. But as soon as he tasted the presence of the sandwich in his mouth, before he could even process the melody of flavors he was biting off, his mind continued.   
  
_Sandwiches are his go-to, but he only loves them the way he prepares them. God, whipped cream on sandwiches. Hearing him apologize for that was just the worst. All he wants is some clarity on what he is experiencing and some basic acceptance so he can stop living with that shame. Shame can do nasty things to you overtime. But he didn’t have shame with me. He showed me his sandwich. He trusted me with that. He felt comfortable with me. He let me into his world and let me see him and the more I saw, the more I wanted to see. Damn, he’s amazing. And, damn, that’s romance, finding someone who you aren’t ashamed to let into your world. And then you let them in and you share these little romantic moments and touches and everything is beautiful and real. Fuck._  
  
David swallowed his first bite without tasting anything, too focused on the way his mind was wandering. He wanted to stop it, stomp out the thoughts of Matteo and romance. In his gut, he could see where this was going and he knew that mentally walking down this path would be bad. This was usually where that evil little voice would step in and stop him. But David was tired and as he took another bite, his mind continued to erupt in thought.  
  
_If romance is letting people in, feeling safe enough to do that and having people want to do that with you, it’s no wonder I’ve never had romance with anymore before Matteo. Though, I suppose there were some almosts, some maybes, some in-a-different-worlds._  
  
Somehow, David’s mouth curled into a smile as he chewed, sweet and savory tomatoes juices burst forward on his tongue as they danced a duet with memories he was usually sharp enough to keep at bay.  
  
_There was Suzanne—no, Andrew before Suzanne. We were six years old, he had the reddest hair in the world and could jump higher than any kid in Karthik. Man, the age when we didn’t even know what crushes were but were definitely having them. Or at least I was. I was so infatuated with him. It was unnerving, really. He did like playing with me, but I don’t think he ever quite understood why I liked playing pretend just as much as playing tag. What a juvenile reason to end a friendship. It was probably for the best, though. It would have been disastrous if he ever found out I liked him.  
  
Like, Suzanne, though I am still not sure if she ever noticed me staring at her and those curly blonde pigtails. She drew snowflakes and clouds on all her school papers, how could I not have developed a hopeless crush on her? _  
  
If it weren’t for the crunch of the lettuce between his teeth and lightness of thinly sliced steak on his tongue, David might have laughed at the self-deprecating nostalgia of his thoughts. But the more he chewed, the more he thought and the more thought, the more he noticed the fatty bits of the meat.  
  
_Knowing she kissed boys behind the schoolhouse during playground time definitely made it easier to crush on her. I wanted to kiss her. But I knew I couldn’t. Even when Laura told me that girls could kiss girls. I knew I wouldn’t have been a girl kissing another girl just as much as I knew I wasn’t allowed to kiss the people I wanted to kiss. It was in my gut. I don’t even know where the hell it even came from. No one was telling me that I couldn’t kiss people. No one even knew I was a boy. Hell, I barely knew that. No. I knew it. I just didn’t know what to do with it. I was eight. And then I was nine and the war started and Suzanne was the least of my worries._  
  
David’s eyes blinked into focus and he looked down to the sandwich in his hands. Three perfectly shaped bite marks, spare the piece of stake hanging off the edge and the red tomato juice oozing out.  
  
_Was Scarlett really the next one? At sixteen, eight years later? I guess there was Trina when I was fourteen. But does it count as an almost romance when the prettiest girl in school asks you out on a date as a joke?_  
  
David quickly stuffed the sandwich back into his mouth in an attempt to keep it from falling apart like he was. His leg bounced furiously under the table and what once tasted like perfect tomato juice, felt more like tomato slime.  
  
_It mostly certainty does count because I was excited for three days. Three days where I was excited that someone called me by the right name and wanted to spend time with me and saw me like that. Someone who was gorgeous and popular and not my type at all, but at that point, I was ready to take anything from anyone who made me feel like I had a place in the universe that wasn’t the literal dirt under Sebastian, Marco and Winston’s stupid feet. God, they were awful. I should’ve known. Trina was their friend. I’m just glad I overheard them talking about the set up that was waiting for me. I got to stand her up. Take away the opportunity for humiliation. Not that I didn’t cry at school the Monday after. God, hold it together, man._  
  
David wasn’t sure if he was talking to his fourteen-year-old self or his eighteen-year-old self who was struggling to swallow the chewed-up lump of bread, meat, tomatoes, lettuce and cream sauce at the edge of his throat. The cream sauce was the only flavor left in his mouth as he forced the food down. It was tangy, just on the verge of sour and getting more so by the second. But the ruminants of white on the bread that was slowly growing soggy in his hands made the cream sauce swing back to tangy and bright.  
  
_See, people eat sandwiches with cream sauces like this, whipped cream isn’t that different. Fuck, you are supposed to be thinking about Scarlett.  
  
No, you’re really not supposed to be thinking about any of them. _

_But Matteo. And Scarlett. Wow. I do have a type, don’t I?_  
  
David took another bite, relishing in the flavors. As he continued thinking, he was uncharacteristically comforted by the white sauce as it swirled together with the red tomato juice and dripped onto his hand.  
  
_Scarlett was by far the closest almost. Shoulder length dirty blonde hair that was more dirty than blonde. Choppy bangs. Dresses that she doodled on in class because she was just as bored as I was. She always carried her books against her chest, said it made her feel safe in a world that wasn’t safe for people like us. She got it. And she was adventurous. She wanted to travel the world, get the hell out of Florenzia. But at the same time, she appreciated the nooks and crannies of the nature of Florenzia. She was so dutiful when she would hold ladybugs in her hands and say the smartest things without even realizing how old her soul was. Goddamn it.  
  
But she isn’t him. No one is. Or ever could be. Matteo broke through every wall I had built the moment I saw him and more and more every time he looked at me with those blue eyes. I never even let myself have an actual crush on Scarlett. She could have punched me in the face with her feelings and I still wouldn’t have taken her hand in mine. I mean, she basically did. “I’ve never been kissed by someone I actually like, but I’m ready. Don’t look at me like that. I am talking about you and your thick skull.” “I just want to be friends.” Kissing her did sound nice, though. But not letting her have something on me sounded nicer. She was the only one in that whole town who didn’t have anything on me. She was new that summer she fell for me. She didn’t know my parents were dead or that there was magic in my family or that my older sister was gay. She didn’t even know I was trans. I could have told her. I should have. She always got that kind of stuff. I told her that when I was foolish enough to think about finding my soulmate, I didn’t see a specific gender, just someone who could light up my world. I told her that I wanted to be an artist or a politician someday when I got out of Karthik even though those weren’t exactly careers anyone had charted a path to. I told her that I was an expert at forging my own path. She told me she was too. And she was. Until someone offered her an invite onto the pre-paved path that we delighted in hating all summer.   
  
Marco asked her out. Trina and Suzanne befriended her. She started living in both worlds. “They are all shallow as a puddle, David, I swear.” “Then why do you hang out with them?” She never had a good answer. And then they told her. No, they outed me to her. Call it what it fucking is. The loudest, meanest lunch, and the first time I threw a real punch. Sebastian fucking deserved it. Fuck. _  
  
David’s knee hit the underside of the dining table and the juices dripping out the back of the sandwich onto his hand felt absolutely vile.  
  
_She told me she didn’t care, but she never hung out with me again. She grew out her bangs. She got engaged to Marco. She took a job in Karthik and never left. I had one friend in town. One person. And they turned her against me. She was ready to be turned against me. All it takes is the taste of something better and exposure to the truth of who I am and the life I live for someone to realize that I am not worth afternoons at the pond and late-night moments of truth in the dungeon—  
  
No, fuck, I am worth it. I’m smart and fierce and dedicated and strong-willed and shameless. I’m the guy who is leading this revolution. I’m the guy who is fighting for everyone who doesn’t have the courage to fight for themselves. The guy who took the initiative to give himself a fresh start. The guy who got up every time they pushed him down. The guy who kept drawing even when they told him to stop pursuing pointless skills because real Karthnians go into the town’s age-old trade of carpentry. The guy who read every book in that town even though none of them were any good and most of them had the sole purpose of monarchy brainwash and trade preparation. The guy who learned to run fast and jump high and slide low and hit hard because abilities like that walk the line of necessary and enjoyable that I practically invented. I! I’m the guy who had the courage to come out publicly as pansexual and transgender on the same day even though there were only two people in Karthik that spring who didn’t think it made me abominable. I’m the guy who transitioned even though there is no how-to guide and I didn’t even know the word transgender existed until Genevieve used her magic to discover that gender affirmation spells exist deep within the realm of the most complicated healing magic. The guy who had the courage to tell her in the first place because I believed in myself from day one. I’m the guy who had to believe in himself because he didn’t have any parents left to believe in._

_I am that guy and anyone who runs from me is a damn fool.  
  
But some people don’t run. Some people are straight-up taken from you because this universe isn’t fucking fair. _  
  
David’s skin felt hot, his palms hottest of all. He looked down at what was left of the sandwich in his hands. It was half-eaten, half crushed, and entirely revolting to David. He wanted to shove it back in his mouth, prove to that little voice in his head that he wasn’t bothered by the memories. But he couldn’t. He tossed the disheveled sandwich onto the plate and leaned back into his chair. His deep breath wasn’t nearly deep enough and his body had never felt more tired as he stilled.  
  
_My mom died before I even had a chance to meet her. Absolutely unfair. Fuck this kingdom that values appearances over human life. “Screw science and medicine, do whatever it takes to make Florenzia look shiny, rich, and good from the outside. Don’t think about it hard enough to realize that dead mothers don’t make you a strong kingdom.”  
  
My father was killed for the same reasons. The universe and this godforsaken kingdom took him from me way too soon. I got nine years of him loving me and supporting me and sacrificing everything for me. There was no good reason for him to be killed. It’s the same song I sing every day. Every damn day. How dare the universe keep plucking these amazing lights right from my hands.  
  
But on one hand, maybe that’s better. Easier than growing up just to learn that my parents wouldn’t have supported me. _  
  
A chill ran up from the base of David’s spine and he leaned forward in his chair. He reached out for the sandwich, trying to convince himself to pick it up again. All he was able to do was pull out the last tomato slice. It had a bite taken out of it and it was slimy between his fingers. It landed on the plate with the faintest splat and David shuddered.  
  
_No, they would have. Dad’s love was unconditional. He knew I was different from the other kids— bolder, more creative, a little bit in my own world, unsatisfied with the status quo—and he never shied away. And I know my mom was such a fierce woman, a lover and a fighter just like my dad. I would have had them no matter what. And I should have had them.  
  
But if I’d had them, their fate would have been just like Genevieve’s. The best godmother a guy could ask for and that makes me feel like shit. _  
  
David sighed, his weariness seeping out his mouth like a grey fog. Replacing it was something that felt far too much like self-loathing for David’s liking. He picked up the sandwich again, as if the bites David was determined to plunge down to his stomach could scare away the feelings that were slowly poisoning him.  
  
_Before Genevieve took me and Laura in, she had a life. She had a circle of friends with magic, co-workers who she gossiped with, a boyfriend or two or three because she was the kind of woman that men couldn’t get enough of. Until she started looking after the weird kids with the unruly hair and empty bellies and overzealous spirts and weird passions. It didn’t help when those kids turned into orphans. When one came out as a gay and left town. When the other came out as trans and pan and stayed in town because he needed his godmother way more than she needed him. She didn’t need me. She lost friends and lovers over me. Lost work and respect over me. She lost sleep over me.  
  
Oh, but Laura wins the losing sleep over me contest. The exhaustion that drips in her voice when I am out too late painting on walls or running through the city because I need space, when I make rash decisions or don’t tell her my plans before I enact them, when I worry her so much that she joins my revolution to watch over me— no, she told me that she joined because she agrees that we need changes around here. I mean, she left Karthik when she was 18 and I was 13 because she had to get out. She and I are one in the same here. But that doesn’t change the fact that her life was ten times better for not having to protect me through my worst years in Karthik. And now she has to deal with making sure her fanatical hot head of a little brother doesn’t die in the dungeon because he is too stubborn and in too deep to listen to his best friend when she tells him to value his life over his principles.  
  
Good lord, Leonie puts up with so much of my crap. Like, she has been here since day one, and frankly, I don’t get it sometimes. She’s had every reason to say goodbye, but she never did. She could have drifted away when she made new friends at the arts academy, could’ve taken summer classes there, could’ve decided I wasn’t a legitimate enough artist to be her best friend. She had no reason to come back to me time and time again, not when she got weird comments from her Yogallan friends for hanging out with a guy whose education was so shitty. Not when she started getting weird looks from the kids in Karthik too after she came back one summer to me three months into my transition. I told her she didn’t have to stick around. But she hugged me and nothing changed. She didn’t even provoke less arguments after that. Jeez, we’ve always fought so much. I don’t know why she puts up with me. I never listen to her, I push back, I’m an asshole and I know I make her so frustrated. She stays, but it can’t be fun for her. _  
  
David’s mouth suddenly went dry. He hadn’t finished chewing, but he swallowed anyway. It was going to be hard to swallow no matter what.  
  
_Watching Leonie and Laura and Genevieve suffer for staying in my life isn’t fun for me. Neither is watching my mother and father get taken from me for no good reason. And feeling the brunt of people turning on me and joining those terrible people who have always treated me like shit certainly isn’t fun either._  
  
David was poised to take another painful and pointless bite, sandwich right up against his open mouth, but he stopped, too caught up in the war in his head to do much of anything besides breath heavy and sweat just enough to make his skin itchy.  
  
_Isn't it fun? Don’t sugarcoat this shit. It’s torture! It’s all fucking torture!  
  
Okay, fine! It’s torture! But, you think I don’t know that? I know how this works. Every story in my life ends with one of these terrible things. So, of course I run. _  
  
David scoffed as he tossed the sandwich away. It barely landed on the edge of the plate, but David didn’t care. He was too busy crossing his arms and seeing red to care about anything other than the explosive realization rippling through his whole body as he restless pushed his weight back on the chair, nearly knocking it over.  
  
_I run and push people away and I keep walls up and balk at the idea of letting music boxes into my life._  
  
The chair hadn’t even settled from his last shift, but David was up, moving, bolting away from the chair, the table, that goddamn sandwich.  
  
_Stop calling them music boxes. It’s over! You and Matteo are over!_  
  
David could feel the strain in his inner voice as the words poured out from the recesses of his mind, angry and overwhelmingly infused with pain. He had no control over his thoughts, but even less control over his zealous feet as they carried him to the side of the drafting table. His shaking hands clung intensely to the edge of the table as he hung his head and closed his eyes. He thought that would calm the storm in his head, but he fought back with more irate words, his knuckles whiter as he did.   
  
_I know! I know how this works! The universe teases me with something amazing— something that gets more beautiful every time I think about it— and it is so hard to resist, but I do because I know that possibilities crumble and stories that involve loving me don’t end well. So, I don’t take the bait. I don’t let the universe show me which terrible fate Matteo and I are destined for. That’s more pain than I can handle and certainly more pain than he deserves. So, I don’t take the bait. Or, I do. But then I realize what I’ve done and I take a step back before the damage is irreversible. Because I know that good things just aren’t possible for me._  
  
David’s eyes sprung open and he pushed himself off of the drafting table, not even knowing what was happening as he turned to forcefully walk back to the dining table.  
  
_No, no, no. That’s not it. No. No. No._  
  
David sat back down, grabbed the sandwich, and urgently shoved it back into his mouth. His teeth ripped through the meat as he stole a large bite off the limp, tasteless sandwich.   
  
_It’s not that good things aren’t possible for me. Good things aren’t possible outright, point blank, end of sentence. Good things aren’t possible in this world. It’s not about me. But it’s on me. I have to fix this. It is my responsibility to take all the brokenness in this world and make it better. How can I not when I have lived through the hurt and harm and trauma and terrible shit? I know the pain of this monarchy first hand and I’ve fought through it for myself, so I have to fight through it for others. I have the strength, the courage, the skills, the passion, the dedication. This is my calling, my purpose. I know that more than I’ve ever known anything. It’s not for everyone, this destiny of activism, this unpaved path of hard work and self-sacrifice. Not everyone who has been through hell has to put themselves through this. I am only doing it because I want to. I want to. Why the hell am I telling myself that so fucking much! I want this! This revolution is my lifeblood!_   
  
David’s arms were weak, his ears were ringing and the air around him would not move into his lungs no matter how hard he tried. But even still, his whole body froze and he lost his breath as that snide, evil little voice in his head pushed him into territory he never, ever wanted to find.  
  
_And the revolution makes it ten times easier to push people away, to keep everyone at arm’s length, to run. Doesn’t it? If you are so dedicated to this revolution, there is no room for you to be dedicated to anyone else. No room for anyone else to be truly dedicated to you. What a brilliant excuse. Telling yourself you are focusing on something noble and selfless when really you are just looking for something to throw yourself into so you don’t have to confront how broken inside you really are. What a coping mechanism._   
  
Hand closing into a fist around the last bite of his sandwich, David slowly stood up from the chair, nervous energy suddenly pulsating through his body.  
  
_The revolution is not a coping mechanism. No. No. This is my passion, my essence, my calling, my destiny. I do it because the world needs me to. Because I need to. Because I can’t sleep at night unless I am putting some good into this world and making sure everyone has what they deserve. And that includes me. I deserve good things.  
  
You do. But are you sure you know that? Are you sure you aren’t still battling that little voice in your head that tells you there is nothing good waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow? How could there be with this life? With who you are? How could anyone love you? How could anyone ever want you? Be proud of you when you can’t even feel proud of yourself half the time? When you are constantly sheltering yourself beneath the loneliest, heaviest, stone walls? Are you sure you’re not still fighting that battle? _  
  
“Oh my god, will you just shut up!?” David shouted. His words thundered through the house and with the force of the white-hot, seething anger inside of him, he slammed the last bite of sandwich down at the ground in front of him. “Yes, I’m sure! I am absolutely sure that I am not fighting that damn battle!”  
  
_Then what are we doing right now?_  
  
All David could do was stand there, breathlessly watching as the world around him went blurry. He wasn’t sure if it was from anger or from tears. Perhaps neither. Perhaps it was the feeling of total and utter heartbreak, of a punch in the gut, of his mind finally cracking open the pain that had been fueling it for years. David didn’t know. He couldn’t know because the world was hazy and his body was trembling and he had worked his way up to enough self-awareness for one day. It was more self-awareness than David figured he had ever experienced. He didn’t like the way it made his eyes glossy and his lips numb.  
  
David, though, fought it. And for once understood why. He understood exactly why he closed his eyes, shook his head, and started walking over to where the sandwich had landed. He understood exactly why he squatted down to pick up the scattered pieces like nothing had happened, like cleaning up the mess he had made mattered in the slightest.  
  
As he gathered the sandwich remnants in his hands, David knew there was a different mess he needed to clean up. A mess that mattered to him and to so many people. A mess that was ruining him and so many people.  
  
The floor clean, David looked down at his hand full of dusty, damaged sandwich fragments and a wave of the most authentic sadness he had ever felt washed over him.  
  
_Matteo likes sandwiches._  
  
Utterly exhausted, David just dropped himself down to the ground and turned to rest his back against the wall. He was too tired to cry.  
  
— — —  
  
By that night, the only thing that had changed for Matteo was the diminishing light in his room. The sun was setting. He could open his eyes again. But he didn’t want to. There was nothing worth seeing; not in his empty, impersonal bedroom, and not in his dismal, bleak future. 

He wasn’t sure how he had gotten there, but as his room grew shades away from total darkness, his mind was stuck on the future. Just the day before, his future had seemed radiant, full joy and possibility, full of David. Matteo didn’t have all the details and he knew there would still be plenty of demons to fight, but he didn’t care. If he had David by his side, things would at least be bearable. The inevitable could perhaps be delayed and when it did happen, he would have at least one person who would never turn on him, one person who would hold him as whatever it was that was destined to pelage him forever swallowed him whole.  
  
But in that empty sunless room, Matteo was being forced to face his biggest demon all on his own. There was no foreseeable way out, no answer, no solution, no understanding, and absolutely no acceptance.  
  
_Well, there is David. Was David._  
  
All that was left in his absence was the contradictory feeling of loneliness and wanting to be alone. Matteo knew he couldn’t handle being with anyone in his current state; his was head pounding and his skin was crawling as the world crushed down on his body in a way that made Matteo want to rip what was left of his soul out of his body. Matteo also knew there was no one who could realistically come through his door and make Matteo feel any less lonely. Being lonely when you’re with other people is a special kind of misery. So, it was better to be entirely alone, as much as he hated it.  
  
But then there was a knock on his door that sounded clearer than the voices had that morning. He didn’t move from where he laid flat on his back, fearful of the company that awaited him.   
  
A few moments later, there was an unfamiliar rattling that shook its way through his whole bedroom door and then a loud thud as something fell. Matteo surprised himself, sitting up just a bit and turning to look. His doorknob was on the floor.   
  
Matteo was stunned that the world didn’t spin around him and intensify the already excruciating pains and presences in his body. Instead, his body felt something entirely different, something that Matteo didn’t really know what to call or what to do with. All he knew was that he hated the way it made his chest feel hot as he pushed the suddenly too heavy comforter away. His cheeks tinged and his stomach twisted in upon itself.  
  
He watched in dismay as the door opened, and captain of the guard, accompanied by two of his men, walked into the room. The three of them didn’t even look at Matteo as they passed his bed, heading directly for the bathroom door, tools in hand. Matteo tried to process what he was seeing, but things just weren’t adding up. He felt more alert than he had all day, but he still felt like he was in a cloud of something disorienting and noxious.  
  
Matteo pulled his eyes from the guards who were beginning to work on the bathroom door. Only then did he notice that Jonas was standing just inside the doorway, staring back at him with an expression that Matteo couldn’t place but didn’t like.   
  
“Jonas, what’s happening?” Matteo asked. His voice was scratchy and raw from a whole day of silence. He could barely even hear himself and he wasn’t sure there were even words coming from his mouth.   
  
“Matteo, it’s okay, you don’t need to yell,” Jonas said, stepping closer to the bed. Matteo swallowed hard and looked down at the disheveled comforter covering his legs. His face burned hotter. “They’re just removing the locks,” Jonas continued. Matteo could feel the wheels in his head turning faster and faster as he realized what was really happening. “We can’t just let you stay up here and—”  
  
“No! What? You’re kidding me?” Matteo shouted. This time he knew it. What he didn’t fully know, though, was that he was flinging the comforter away and planting his feet on the ground as his words grew louder and more frantic. “This is, no! This is not okay. Jonas. Come on, Jonas, please, you can’t let them do this.”  
  
“Let them do this?” Jonas asked. “This was my idea.”   
  
“What?” Matteo could feel his body again. He was a little light-headed and very much confused as to why and how it was Jonas that was starting the path that led to him being ostracized just like his mother.  
  
“You left me no other choice, man,” Jonas said. His voice tittered on the edge of a shout and his face was full of pity and fear. Jonas walked over to stand right in front of Matteo. He wanted to look away, but he was afraid that if he moved, everything would fall apart even more than it already was. “Look, Matteo, I’m worried about you,” Jonas said. “The only reason I’m doing this is that I want to make sure you’re safe.”  
  
“I’m,” Matteo stuttered out. All the rage and energy he had somehow found moments earlier was gone. _Rage. That’s what it’s called. But now?_ “I’m not…I, I—”  
  
“I don’t want to lose my best friend.”  
  
“I don’t want that either!” Matteo yelled. His emotions were all over the map and he didn’t know what to do with them. It felt like his lack of processing had been stifling his emotions, but now that he had just a bit of energy, they were all fighting to use it, struggling for enough dominance to come to the surface and be felt in the way they all craved. It was so much and Matteo, still a little unsure he was even real as he stood there, felt so deeply overwhelmed. But something within pushed him forward. When he spoke next, his voice was meek and he felt a wave of something remorseful wash over him. “I don’t want to be lost either.”  
  
Jonas took a step back at the earnest sadness, but the space didn’t make Matteo feel much better, especially not when Jonas’ comforting words were actually re-enraging. “You don’t have to become your mother.”  
  
“Oh, come the fuck on. That’s bullshit and you know it,” Matteo shouted harshly. He looked back and forth between Jonas’ stunned eyes and literally anything else as his mind poured out into his voice. “And, I mean, I know it sucks, but can we stop acting like she has the motherfucking plague or some shit? She isn’t dead, she isn’t dying, she isn’t contagious. She’s just, you know, she’s just, whatever this shit is. It sucks and I hate it but we don’t deserve the way you treat us. We have shit in our heads that we can’t control. It’s not our fault that we’re sick and it’s not something you need to fucking quarantine us for and take away our freedoms because of. It doesn’t mean you have to treat us like idiots who can’t handle having locks on their doors or making fires to stay warm. She was freezing up there!”  
  
“Matteo,” Jonas said, even-tempered and clear. “Your mother tried to hurt herself.”  
  
“I know that! I fucking know that!” Matteo yelled, shaking and gesturing wildly. “You think I don’t know that my mom tried to hurt herself? You think I don’t know that? That I don’t understand how serious things were? I understand better than anyone in this whole fucking kingdom. So, I don’t need you to tell me about it. I know!”  
  
“Matteo—” Jonas tried.   
  
“And, and, I get that you’re scared or whatever, and I am too, but I am not going to do that! Okay, I’m not! I don’t want to do that!”  
  
“You think she wanted to?” Jonas asked, taken aback. Matteo couldn’t stop himself from turning away and biting his lip as he shook his head. Jonas was saying exactly the wrong thing every time he opened his mouth.  
  
“Good lord,” Matteo said. “Can you just stop acting like you know what it’s like to live this life? You don’t get it and you never will. You aren’t like me and my mom, okay? So, stop pretending like—”  
  
Out of nowhere, the window slammed shut. Matteo froze, words dying on his tongue. He hadn’t even noticed the guard walking over to the window because he had been so caught up in his frenzy of outpouring thoughts and feelings, but the sharp click of the windowing closing was unmissable. Matteo didn’t have time to wonder if they were going to put a lock on it because as soon as he heard it snap back into place, his heart sputtered out into a million pieces and his legs didn’t feel strong enough to stand anymore.  
  
“Fuck,” he muttered as he sat back down on the bed, his legs hanging off the side. He put his head in his hands, unable to hold himself up. The world around him turned back to that familiar mixture of blurry and poignant as his senses kicked into overdrive and his mind crumbled to a point where the sounds he was hearing stopped making sense. If he had to guess, it was the guards saying a few things to Jonas and then leaving. He wasn’t sure if he heard the closing of the lockless bedroom door, but he was undeniably able to make out the sensation of Jonas sitting down next to him on the bed.  
  
“You know this isn’t exactly your mom’s kind of thing, right?” Jonas asked.  
  
“What the hell are you talking about?”   
  
“You haven’t left this room since David escaped,” Jonas said. Matteo moved his hands from his face just a little as he tried to glance up at Jonas, but then Jonas cast his eyes down to Matteo. “Or, well, since you ran away and came back.”  
  
“This…this isn’t…I,” Matteo said. He looked away, stumbling over his words as he tried to find a way to explain how profoundly wrong Jonas was. “People get their hearts broken every day,” he finally said. “That’s normal. This isn’t normal.” When Jonas didn’t say anything in response, Matteo let out a loud sigh. He sat up, dropping his hands to his lap as he straightened his back. His spine was still curved a bit as he turned his head to make eye contact with Jonas. He wished he didn’t have to, but he didn’t know how else Jonas would be able to comprehend how serious he was if he didn’t actually follow his ridiculous social rules. “You wouldn’t have had the royal guards remove the locks from my doors if you thought this was just about heartbreak.”  
  
“Matteo,” Jonas said, looking away and shaking his head. He sounded at a loss for words from the way Matteo had crumbled the logic of Jonas’ denial. But Matteo wasn’t at a loss for words. For once in his life, he knew exactly what to say and Jonas was the one unsure where to go. Matteo had spent his whole life coming to terms with this truth.  
  
“We all knew this was coming. You knew it. I knew it. We can’t pretend this isn’t happening,” Matteo said, calmer than he realized. Maybe it was a numb emotionlessness, but something reliable in Matteo’s gut told him it was more self-acceptance than anything. “I knew that someday, something would happen and just like, trigger all of this to get worse. It could have been anything, really. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon, but, I mean, but it’s inevitable.”  
  
“Matteo, I hate seeing you like this,” Jonas said, turning his body to him, voice desperate. It would have broken Matteo’s heart, but he really didn’t think it could break any more than it already had. “I can’t just sit back and watch my best friend fucking unravel. I mean, there have to be things we can do. Whatever this is, it can’t be hopeless. Let us help you, Matteo.”  
  
Matteo was quiet for a moment, trying to take in his words and figure out how to respond. His mind was starting to cloud over again; he had exerted so much energy, probably all that he had left in him.  
  
“I don’t, um,” Matteo started, closing his eyes painfully, rubbing a hand across his forehead. “I don’t think you know how to help.”  
  
“Does David?” Jonas asked carefully a beat later. The fogginess that was filling up Matteo immediately turned to sadness at the mention of David’s name.  
  
“I don’t know,” Matteo breathed out almost involuntarily. His hands came up to cover his face again. He could feel his throat tightening and his forehead wrinkling under his fingertips.  
  
“Man, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up,” Jonas said regretfully and a little sympathetic. “I just don’t really understand what happened between the two of you, and I want to.”  
  
Matteo took a deep breath, his lungs managing to fill up nearly halfway. He dropped his hands down to his lap as he tried to think of a way to answer Jonas’ non-question question and explain all that was swirling through him at that moment.  
  
“No one knows how to help me,” Matteo finally said, a bit slow and effortful as he continued. “But if there is going to be anyone in the world, it would be David. Because, because…he gets me somehow. I don’t know how or why or anything thing really, but he saw me like no one ever saw me and he is the best person I know, and—” Matteo’s voice caught in his throat as the next words sat on the tip of his tongue and he felt the subtlest of tears welling in his eyes. It was a shattering admission, that made him feel like there was truly no hope for him, and he didn’t want to say it. But the only person who understood him without words had run away and rejected him, so he pushed on, knowing that if he wanted Jonas to get it, then he would need to say it. “He is the best person I know, and I don’t even think he could fix this.”  
  
“You don’t need fixing,” Jonas said quickly. “You just need, well, I don’t know.”  
  
“Yeah, exactly,” Matteo said, barely speaking the words. He wanted to keep going. He wanted to tell Jonas how sorry he was for being more of a burden than a friend and admit to Jonas how scared he was. He wanted to thank him for being there and let him know that it would be okay if he decided he was tired of it.  
  
But Matteo couldn’t bring himself to say any of that. He didn’t think he would be able to bring himself to say anything at all. The words were stuck in his head and he couldn’t get them out no matter how hard he tried. It was another kind of stuck that Matteo’s was painfully familiar with.   
  
Matteo closed his eyes at the realization that he was past his point, the emotional exhaustion and overwhelming weight of everything pressing down on him. Then he opened his eyes and didn’t let them land on Jonas at all as he slowly moved his head to glance over at the door.  
  
“You want me to leave, don’t you?” Jonas said. There wasn’t malaise in his voice, at least as far as Matteo could tell. He sounded comfortable in the way that Matteo was communicating with him, even though Matteo hadn’t realized he was communicating. But Jonas was right.   
  
Matteo turned his head back to the front and nodded a little, trying not to feel guilty about wanting Jonas to leave or nervous about the flood of emotions he could feel pooling up inside him at the prospect of being alone enough to express himself genuinely. That— the freedom of just existing in his own space without having to worry about appeasing someone else’s idea of acceptable— was enough to quell the guilt. But not the nerves.  
  
“Yeah, well, it’s late anyways, so no worries,” Jonas said casually. He got up from the bed, sniffling just a bit. Matteo briefly wondered if Jonas was on the verge of tears, which just made him remember that he too was on the verge of crying at any moment. “I’ll come back to check on you in the morning. Maybe bring some breakfast pasta.”  
  
He said it with a smile but nonetheless, Matteo’s tears started to escape his eyes, streaking down his cheeks as he gasped for air. Just the mere idea of breakfast pasta was enough to send the emotions spewing out of him; it was such a reminder of the fact that Jonas did actually know him and of the way Matteo experienced the world so differently and of the short period of time where Matteo felt confident enough to order breakfast pasta for himself because he thought he had a bright future with David, the boy who was falling in love with him and made him feel electric and didn’t judge him in the slightest.  
  
Matteo tried to hold back his cries, closing his mouth and swallowing his breath along with the lump in his throat. But Jonas just looked down at him with sad, warm eyes that held so much care and such an obvious wish of happiness for Matteo.  
  
“I love you, man,” Jonas said. He stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Matteo’s shoulders in a side hug that did actually make him feel loved and just a little bit sheltered. “I’m here no matter what.”  
  
Jonas stayed there for a moment, then lifted his arm up to gently clasp his hand to the back of Matteo’s head. Matteo leaned into the touch, squinting his eyes shut and dawning a small, sad smile as Jonas planted a friendly, reassuring kiss to the top of his head.  
  
Jonas ruffled Matteo’s hair just a bit before he pulled his hand away. Matteo opened his eyes and watched as Jonas turned to walk away, not even looking back at him as Matteo held in his breath and his tears. Jonas grabbed at the hole where the doorknob had once been and Matteo saw him quickly wiping his eye, trying not to be too obvious about it. But Matteo was actually glad he saw it; it made him feel a little less alone in the despair and the weight.  
  
But then the door closed behind Jonas, and Matteo was alone again.  
  
He let out a shaking breath, then the tears started falling faster than before and there was really no stopping them. Matteo stopped trying to hold himself up, and collapsed down onto the bed, head not even reaching the pillow, but landing hard on the mattress. His arms curled around his chest and he felt his whole body heaving with sobs he couldn’t control.  
  
As his body flooded with release and his face began to tingle, he realized he actually didn’t want to control them. It was hard to live through, sobbing so intensely, but it felt so deeply cathartic to just let go of all his tightly wound emotions and cry. He didn’t let himself do it enough.  
  
But, that night, he let himself cry and sob and wail and let out every emotion that he had locked away in every crevice of his body and heart and mind. It all poured out of him; from his eyes, from his nose, from his mouth. It was ugly and loud and painful. It tasted like blood at the back of his throat, felt like pressure under his eyes, and smelled like salt. His chest throbbed, his shoulders ached, his ears burned and his face went distressingly numb.  
  
But it was exactly what needed to do, and Matteo was finally in the business of doing what he needed to do. So, he cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left to cry out, the world disappeared and he fell asleep.  
  
— — —  
  
In her second note, Laura had told David she would be home after her shift ended, but she ended up coming home late that night, as the sun was setting, because she and Linn had lost track of time while catching up on the previous day’s orders.  
  
When she did get home, she and David scrounged up the little bit of food they had left in the kitchen and had a nice time eating dinner together. David made no mention of his harrowing time with the sandwich or his world-shattering realizations. He just ignored it all, as he tended to do, and spent the night with Laura recounting stealing statue a million times in a million different ways. She joined in with bright smiles and hardy laughs, and David felt just a bit of that infinite feeling again.   
  
But eventually, they had to give up reminiscing for the sake of sleep. So, they both slept, but when David woke up the next day, he was alone again. He crawled out of bed a few hours into the morning, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and he walked over to the dining table to find another note.  
  
“I didn’t want to wake you again. I won’t be able to come home for lunch today because Linn and I have had this double date with Hans and Michi planned for weeks. I know there isn’t any food left at home, but Linn did mention that the cabbages looked almost ready to harvest. If you go out there, wear that cloak though. I’ll stop by the market after work. I promise I’ll be home earlier than yesterday. I love you. –Laura”  
  
David cracked a small smile as he read, happy to hear that Laura was taking time for herself and the friends she was lucky enough to have. She was the kind of person who got to have good things in her life, and he wanted her to have them tenfold. He also knew that her friend Hans had some kind of super-secret important job that he hardly ever got away from, so it was crucial that Laura kept their plans when they were able to make them. David never would have forgiven himself if Laura broke any date for his sake, but especially this one.  
  
But that didn’t mean it felt great to be home alone all day again. Great was the last word he would use to describe it. Stuck seemed like a good word for it. Stuck and lonely and helpless.  
  
David set the note down on the table and turned to their quiet house. He sighed, unsure of what to do with himself. He couldn’t go to his job, he couldn’t see his people, and even though he could get lost in his thoughts, he absolutely did not want to.   
  
So, he turned away from the dining table, putting one foot in front of the other as he walked to the drafting table. He grabbed the map of the town square and held it in his hands. He scanned his eyes over each delicately drawn line, hoping that the memories of the plan and its thrilling execution would jump-start his passion. He needed to feel powerful and infinite again to get himself back in the right headspace to dive into the revolution. 

Staying home to avoid arrest was, in theory, the perfect time for him to throw himself into crafting his next master plan, devising a way to dissolve the royal line of succession or infiltrate the royal guard or expose the corrupt deeds of previous monarchs. But as David stared at the map, nothing came to him. No ideas, no motivation, no enthusiasm. Just _“And the revolution makes it ten times easier to push people away, to keep everyone at arm’s length, to run…What a coping mechanism.”_  
  
David huffed out a frustrated groan and folded the map in half, even though he had previously been rolling it up to avoid creasing his greatest work. But there was no point in protecting it anymore. It was creased. It all was.  
  
_Why work on the revolution when that little voice tainted it? David asked himself as he angrily walked over to his bed. Told me it was just a coping mechanism. Bullshit. But now it feels wrong in my head. Dirty. But it shouldn’t. The revolution is good! The best thing I have! Not a fucking coping mechanism._  
  
David crouched down next to his bed and stuffed the folded map underneath, tucked away with his summer clothes and countless old sketchbooks. He eyes them for a moment, and something in the way they sat, dark and dusty, opened his mind in a different direction. _But maybe the voice is onto something about it being a coping mechanism? They did sort of make a good point._  
  
“They?” David asked out loud as he stood up. “It’s you. You’re that little voice. Or me. It’s me. Or—no, fuck this,” David said. He shook his head and threw his hands in the air in surrender, then began to walk back over to the drafting table. “The only thing weirder than talking to yourself out loud is talking to yourself in your head as if there is more than one person up there.”  
  
He took his stance behind the table and grabbed his revolution notebook from a box underneath. He hadn’t even set it down before his mind roared up again, gentle and firm in a way that could only mean he cared about himself, something David was less and less inclined to believe by the day.   
  
_Don’t dismiss it like that. There’s a war going on in your head. You know it. And you have known it for longer than you admit. Please, don’t run from this too. You can’t run from the bad and the good because eventually, you’ll be running away from yourself. And you don’t want that. As much as that little voice tells you that you don’t love yourself, you do. So, act like it. Deal with the shit that you know you have to deal with._  
  
David felt his shoulders tense, and then he all but slammed his notebook onto the drafting table. He looked up at the nothingness that surrounded him and felt his mouth move before he even knew what he was saying. “You want me to deal with it? Confront it head-on? Then here you fucking go! I hate this!”  
  
David pushed himself away from the table, words flowing from his mouth as his arms gesturing wildly and his feet carried around his house. A pent up, restless energy propelled him forward despite how crazy he felt with every turn on his heels and every word that fell on no ears but his own. But deep in the pit of his stomach, it felt deeply liberating to scream out words he had never even let himself think.  
  
“I hate being alone!” David shouted. “I hate the fact that my life is destined to make me feel lonely and sad and shitty! I hate that there is this voice in my head that makes me believe that above all else! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Because I know that it’s wrong! I know that I can steal a statue with five of the amazing people in Florenzia and feel like the whole world was made for me to feel good within. I know that I can fall head over heels for the most incredible guy in the whole fucking universe and he can fall for me too and we can share the most extraordinary moments because we fit together like nothing else in the world matters. But I also know that those moments are fleeting! Because I had to leave him for reasons I am _not_ going to explain again and because now I am standing in this empty house with my fellow revolutionaries gone and a bad taste in my mouth because apparently you had to take the revolution from me too! Can I not just have one thing that brings me joy? Pure, endless joy? Joy that I have to work for— I’ll work for it!” David shouted, louder and more desperate. “I’ll work my ass off for it! Just let me have it in the end! Please! Don’t take it from me. Don’t make the joy feel like shit. Don’t make me so fucking afraid and ashamed and full of nasty thoughts that I have to abandon the joy because I am terrified to feel so heartbroken and gutted again! Don’t do this to me!”  
  
David stopped moving, his voice breaking as he stood in the middle of the house. He had more to say, but suddenly speaking felt damn near impossible as his throat closed and his face numbed. He hadn’t even realized how worked up he had gotten, but he was out of breath and the world around him was spinning. He stumbled backwards into the end of his bed, and his knees gave out under him. His aching back crashed against his bed and he fell to the floor as he took in a sharp breath.  
  
His hands flew to his chest, searching for something, anything to hold on to. His fingers found where his neck met his shoulders and his fingernails dug into his skin. It was then that his eyelids collapsed shut over his eyes, pooling his tears in his eyelashes. He tried to hold it all in, but the more he tried, the more sobs escaped his soul and traveled up to his mouth. He parted his lips to let them out, and with them came words, fragile and desperate. “Don’t do this do me, please. I don’t want this.”  
  
David sobs rushed up through his body, and he jolted forward with them. He pulled his knees to his chest and his head found its way to resting between his knees, hands still firm on his neck. As he cried into himself, his mind dared to dart back to the last time he had uttered those words; Matteo in front of him with his blue eyes closed tight and cheeks a blotchy red as David stood tall with his heart beating rapidly and his mind ignoring those beats so fiercely that his voice came out profoundly sure when he said, “I don’t want this.”  
  
David shut his eyes tighter, the pain of staunched tears driving him to hug his legs firmer. Curled in on himself, he whispered out what he wished he could shout loud enough to be heard all the way at the palace. “Matteo, I’m sorry. I want you. I really, really fucking do. I’m so sorry. I messed up. But I want you. I want to hold you and kiss you and dance with you and hold your hand and whisper in your ear, and, and— holy fuck.”   
  
David didn’t have nearly enough energy or shamelessness to keep speaking, but just like his always, his mind was able to step in. But this time, he was nothing but thankful as his mind carried him forward with words he so desperately needed.  
  
_Matteo, I want to tell you everything that has happened since we parted. I want to tell you about the statue. Damn, you would have loved it, sneaking around the city in the dark and bringing down your father and just feeling so invincible. I wish I could see that look of pride and adoration that would glow on your face while listening to me rave about how amazing the night was. That look suits you so well. But, no, wait. I don’t want that._  
  
His realization dawning on him, David slowly lifted his head from between his knees and sniffled a bit as the last of his tears slowly journeyed down to his chin.  
  
_I don’t want to tell you about that night. I want you to have been there. Because you belong there with us, running through the streets after taking back your power because this monarchy has beaten you down, silenced your voice and made you afraid of your own shadow. You are one of us, Matteo. And I’m an idiot for ever thinking that you weren’t, that you were just some careless, dreadful cog of the monarchy. I am so glad I got to know you, the real you. And, goddamn, you’re my favorite person in the whole universe. I want you in my life, Matteo._  
  
Tears dry, David smiled a little and pushed his legs out in front of him. The stretch in his straightening knees as he leaned his head back onto the bed felt marvelous. It was almost as marvelous as the thoughts in his head.  
  
_I want you in my house, in my bed, in my everything. I want you to meet my friends and my family. You would have such a great time with Abdi and Carlos and you would love Linn to death and you could cook with Laura and Leonie will probably hate you at first because she hates everyone at first, but I promise she’ll warm up once she sees how happy you make me.  
  
You make me happy, Matteo. And I want to do the same for you. Damn, do I want that. I want to support you and empower you and give you everything you deserve. I want to give you a life you can be proud of, a life that is full of joy and self-love and respect and so much light, a life where you can speak your voice and change the world because that’s you. You, Matteo, you. I wish you could see you like I do. I wish I could dedicate my life to making you see yourself like I see you. But I can’t. I can’t and I am so sorry. _  
  
David lowered his head off the bed, looking straight ahead again, his face falling. An all-encompassing sadness ached through his chest. He wanted Matteo to hear what he was thinking, but he was thankful that no one—including himself— had to hear the mix of sorrow and frustration that surely would have been in his voice had he had been speaking aloud.  
  
_I want you and I am so sorry that I ever told you that I didn’t. It’s easier for me to pretend that I don’t want the things I want. It hurts less if I don’t care, if I keep myself from experiencing desire, if I stop myself from feeling my heartbreak at the loss. But, Matteo, I’m so heartbroken. And I’m done pretending that I am not. I miss you, I want you, I can’t have you and that makes me utterly heartbroken.  
  
Even if I could have you, I’ve probably ruined it. You have every reason to hate me. God, I hope you are okay, Matteo. I am sitting here on the floor of my house hoping against hope that you are okay. But if you are not, don’t pretend. I’ve lost so many things in my life, Matteo. I’ve been “not okay” so many times. And I’ve pretended every time. I’ve been strong every time. I’ve put up walls every time. And it’s never gotten me anywhere but more lost, more heartbroken. So please let yourself feel what you are feeling and don’t lie to the world. Don’t let them make you feel like you have to keep it all in. You found the courage to show me your sandwich. Your sandwich and so much more. Please, find that courage again, with everyone else in your life, Matteo. Don’t hold it all in.  
  
And— and— _  
  
David didn’t need to continue his thought. Something was fiercely brewing in his gut and he knew what he had to do. The energy and motivation traveled up through his body, straight to his arms as they pushed him off the ground and to his mouth as it took back over for his mind.   
  
“And learn to take your own fucking advice,” David said, but he wasn’t talking to Matteo anymore. Shoulders back and lungs full, he took confident steps away from his bed as he spoke. “I’ve kept all the pain inside for so long, put up walls even against myself. I’ve built walls around my own fucking heart. But that’s over. The walls have been crumbling for days. I can see more of the pain inside myself than I ever have. And I’m never going to get through this shit if I don’t look at it. Face it. Do something with it. So, I’m going to show myself my own sandwich. I’m going to knock those walls all the way down and I’m going to see my pain and I’m going to feel my emotions and I’m going to grieve what I’ve lost.”  
  
David arrived at the drafting table and quickly moved to stand behind it. He rummaged around until he had a stack of paper on the table and a few sheets of paper taped to the wall behind him. Then he turned back around, reached down and clasped his hand around the handle of his paint set.  
  
“And how does an artist grieve? He paints,” David said matter-of-factly. He placed the paint set on the drafting table and opened it, the scent of the paints soothing every inch of his body. “This is how we—no, I. This is how I feel, how I speak, how I let this stuff inside have a way out. So, um, heart,” David said. He grabbed his favorite paintbrush and closed his eyes. “What do we need to paint to get through this?”  
  
Clutching the paintbrush with both hands as held to his chest, David felt the magic roar to life stronger than ever before. He could feel it pulsating through his whole body, traveling through every vein and seeping out of every pore. It was absolutely reverent. Then, David’s lips parted in awe as his soul came to him with not just one image, but hundreds, thousands even.  
  
Each image, a painting waiting to be created, flashed before his consciousness in flawless color with perfect clarity. He saw Matteo in infinite colors, shapes, styles, and positions. They were all so intrinsically Matteo. A soft smile grew on David’s deeply focused face; he knew Matteo would come to him and he couldn’t wait to spend as long as it took to paint each and every variation of Matteo’s beauty.  
  
But what David did not expect to see coming up from his soul was his mother. His father. Genevieve. Laura. Leonie. His childhood home. Himself. All of them, even Matteo, together.  
  
Seeing all his greatest loved ones dance beautifully though his consciousness was astonishing and overwhelming, so much so that he stumbled back a step when he recognized them. But once he settled with their presence, everything in David calmed and soothed. Having them there with him, begging to be painted, was profoundly right and David knew it. He had so much loss to grieve, so many emotions to let out, so many things to work through. And for the first time in his life, David was poised and ready to do that work. So, he opened his eyes, dipped his brush in a brilliant blue, turned back to the paper, and started painting.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 14…which again doesn’t have a title yet…can you tell that I’m a little bit behind, haha? But I finished my college semester, so now I’ve got all the time in the world to spend with this fic and I’m very much looking forward to it! :)


	14. Understanding Is The Brightest Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> This chapter does have one brief mention of self-harm, but it’s even less descript than the last chapter’s mention. 
> 
> Also, I went ahead and updated the chapter count to 18. Sometimes, David and Matteo just have a lot of things to say and do, more than 17 chapters worth. But I promise this will be the last addition. 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

Jonas did bring Matteo breakfast pasta the next morning just like he had promised, but Matteo didn’t eat it. He couldn’t. The idea of picking up a fork, opening his mouth and putting something inside was so beyond sickening. The mere thought of gooey pasta and pungent sauce disintegrating between his teeth as he chewed made Matteo feel like he was going to pass out from disgust and fear. He couldn’t even bring himself to imagine what the food would feel like hitting his empty stomach, because he was already so nauseous from the smell of the expensive cheese that was sprinkled on top of the pasta as it sat way too close to his head on his bedside table.  
  
Matteo spent much of that day lying on his stomach, the left side of his face pressed into the pillow. It was a terrible position. His closed, but still sensitive eyes were facing the bright sunlight, his perspective nose was far too close to the pasta as it grew cold and his neck ached from the way he was turned, which only increased his crying induced headache. It took him all day, but by the time Hans came by in the evening, he had finally turned over to lay on his side, facing away from the window and the bedside table where Hans wordlessly swapped out the pasta for something else.  
  
Hours later, the sun set and Matteo’s headache subsided, he was able to turn over again to investigate what he saw to be a bowl of soup with a note fastened to the front.  
  
I know it’s my day off and that you probably don’t feel like talking, but I still wanted to try to help by making you this! It’s my mother’s recipe for when I would stay home sick from school. Just as good cold as it is hot— I would know, Hans tested, Hans approved :)  
  
The note was the only thing that made Matteo smile that day. There wasn’t much else to smile about. But, frankly, there wasn’t much to cry about either.  
  
Through his sobs the night before, Matteo had gotten the catharsis he needed. He had let out all the incoherent thoughts and dysregulated emotions that had been swirling around within him. But with them all out, there was nothing left inside and Matteo felt more listless than ever.  
  
He thought he had felt empty before, but as Hans’ soup blurred before his eyes, he realized he had reached a whole new level of emptiness. Now, it was more than just his energy bank that was empty— it was all of him. There were no emotions, no thoughts, nothing raw or sensitive, nothing building up to an explosion or to any kind of action.  
  
David still passed through his numb mind often, and Matteo hated the way he didn’t feel anything. There was a faint sense of hopelessness over the fact that David had truly put an end to things between them, but he didn’t feel sad or angry, disappointed or betrayed. He certainly didn’t feel compelled to fix things between them, even though he knew that was what he wanted. He just felt hollow, like he was at a dead end.  
  
There wasn’t much to think or feel about his own state either. He had meant what he said to Jonas— to Matteo, his current reality was inevitable and there was no path out. It was truly the same as David; hopelessness with a dead end.  
  
So, night fell on a day of apathy, numbness, and ignored meals.  
  
The soup was still there when he woke up the next morning. If he had the capacity to feel anything besides blue indifference, he would have felt surprised when no one came to switch it out for another attempt at breakfast. He also would have felt thankful for the fact that while the sun rose, it must have been cloudy because his room stayed dim well into the day.  
  
Accompanied only by the soup and a few rays of faint sunlight, Matteo laid in the middle of his bed, flat on his back. His head tilted up onto his pillow with his dry, cracked lips barely parted and his glazed over eyes staring up at the canopy above him. It was like that all morning, until around midday when he heard his door open. The dull, still space he had cultivated around him immediately blew away as Amira burst into his room.  
  
“Okay, Matteo,” Her voice rang out loud and confident as the door swung open. She flipped the light switch to turn on the chandelier that hung in the middle of the ceiling and Matteo flinched. He brought his hand up to shield his face from the bright light as he slowly sat up in bed, watching Amira with squinted eyes. “You know I love you like a brother, and I respect what you are going through 100%, but this is day four, my friend. I think it’s time to take some action here.”  
  
“Action?” Matteo asked groggily.   
  
“Action, tough love, dealing with your shit, whatever you want to call it,” Amira said. She switched on his desk lamp, then turned to face him. “Putting in the work, perhaps,”   
  
“Amira,” Matteo said, long and slow. Feeling suddenly hot, he pushed the covers off his lap.  
  
“No, look,” Amira said, walking over the bed. “I don’t know exactly what you did, but you clearly put in the work with David. You didn’t let him slip through the cracks, you acted on your feelings and you made something happen, even if it ended. So, you’re clearly capable of taking care of things and making strides. I am not going to let you put the work in for David, but not for yourself.”  
  
She stopped right next to the bed, standing tall as she waited for him to respond. Matteo, though, was silent as he stared out at nothing in particular. Possible worlds rolled over in his mouth, but he wasn’t convinced he would actually be able to say any of them. But then his eyes wandered up to Amira’s expectant, yet patient face, and he realized that she would probably stay there waiting for him to speak forever. She was giving him space, and even though he still wasn’t entirely sure if he could have this conversation— or if he wanted to— he figured he would try for Amira.  
  
“That is,” Matteo started slowly. “That’s different. So, different. That was, like, romance. This isn’t romance.”  
  
His eyes fell on hers for a split second and he saw her nodding before he quickly glanced away.  
  
“I know,” she said nonchalantly, like Matteo wasn’t as unreachable as he felt. “This isn’t romance, but the elements are the same. You are in a bad spot, so you do something to change that fact.”  
  
“Yeah, but with David, there were things I could do,” Matteo said, responding quicker this time. “Flirt, ask him questions, get to know him, stare at him and shit. But there’s no go-to list of things here. And, I mean, it’s not like David and I really worked out in the end.”  
  
“But not because you didn’t put in every ounce of effort you could, right?” Amira asked.   
  
“Well, I mean,” he said quietly. He looked down at his hands in his lap and noticed a hangnail he hadn’t seen before. He began picking at it as he mumbled, “I don’t know.”  
  
“Matteo, can I sit? Or would that make things worse?” Amira asked. Her voice was softer than before, kinder in a way that made Matteo feel like having Amira sit on his bed might actually be nice.  
  
“Yeah,” he said, bringing his legs up towards his body to sit crossed legged and make room for Amira. She carefully sat down facing him, one leg under her and the other hanging off the side of the bed.  
  
“Matteo,” she said, meaningfully. He couldn’t help but look up into her eyes as she stared compassionately into his. “You worked your ass off to be with him and then you fought for him when things fell apart. Things may have ended, but not because you didn’t try your damn hardest to be honest and follow your heart. You did an amazing job.”  
  
“I couldn’t convince him to stay with me,” Matteo said airy and pained. He looked back down to his lap as he felt an emotion growing in his chest. It was sadness, he was pretty sure. The heaviness behind his eyes certainly helped the case.  
  
“That’s not the point,” Amira said. “You can only control what you can control.”  
  
“Exactly!” Matteo shouted. He kicked his legs out from under him with a sudden burst of thought and emotion that felt more like uneasiness than sadness. But the feeling of his feet colliding with Amira’s shin and the strewn about comforter between them stole away some of that energy. “Shit, sorry,” he mumbled, pulling his legs up to his chest.  
  
“No, it’s okay,” Amira said. “Go on.”  
  
“Just like,” Matteo breathed out heavily, gathering his thoughts again. “You say that I can only control the things I can control. And you’re right. But I can’t control this. Like, there’s no prescribed way to deal with whatever this is. I can’t control it. It controls me. But with David.” Matteo stopped when he felt David’s name on his lips. He hated the way it made him feel so lonely and sad. But he carried on, his heart fighting the urge to crumble into a thousand pieces. “I can’t control David or the things he does. Things like running away from me, even though I hate things like that. Because I do, I hate it so fucking much. But, that’s not the point. The point is that I don’t control David, but also that David doesn’t control me. He’s not like this shit in my head. Like, I don’t want to move on from him, but, I mean, I can, and maybe someday I will. But I can’t just move on from this thing in my head because I don’t control it, but it controls me. There’s nothing I can do.”  
  
“No, but there are things—”  
  
“What fucking things?” Matteo shouted. Frustration and longing raged in his body as he dropped his legs from his chest and shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “Why is everyone acting like there is anything I can do here?”  
  
“Because there is. Matteo, listen to me. Maybe I should have led with this, but there are things,” Amira said. She leaned forward like she wanted to reach out to settle Matteo’s suddenly restless body. Thankfully she didn’t, and her words alone were enough to startle Matteo back to stillness. “It’s still not well known or really even official, but there is a group of people in Yogalla that have recently started thinking about and working on this type of thing. They call it mental health.”  
  
“Mental health?” Matteo asked. His eyes squinted with a dubious curiosity as he shifted to sit cross-legged again.  
  
“Yeah,” Amira said. “I know that Florenzia doesn’t have much in the way of a medical system, and Yogalla isn’t much further along, but there are plenty of kingdoms in the east that have been doing a lot of research and discovering a lot about human health. But, even then, that is all about the body, your physical health, you might call it. But, there is a small, passionate group of people in Yogalla who have dedicated themselves to the idea that there is more than just physical health. They say that a person’s mental health is just as important. And when someone’s mental health isn’t well and is causing challenges for that person, they call it mental illness.”  
  
“Mental illness,” Matteo repeated. Silence fell over the room as Amira waited for him to take it all in. He was a slow processor on any day, but particularly in that moment. Even still, he couldn’t deny the way his mind sharpened and his body eased as the words made a home in his mouth. “Wait, so,” Matteo said, face scrunched a bit as he reached the words. “This is mental illness?”  
  
“I think it might be,” Amira said. Matteo thought she might have sounded resolved, happy even, but he wasn’t focused on that. He was focused on trying to process what he was feeling, which was something like joy.  
  
It was a different kind of joy than the one he had felt in the good moments with David. With David, it was the joy of being seen by someone else, but this? This felt like the joy of being seen by your own self. Matteo had been searching his whole life for this joy of understanding but he never dared to let himself imagine how exactly he would find it or what it would feel like when he finally did. It was so sublime that it almost didn’t feel real. But it was real. He was feeling that joy there in that moment, the world fading around him in the best way possible as he focused inward and started to feel his life click into place.  
  
His emotions kicked into overdrive as he settled into the joy of having a name, of having people out there that knew what he was experiencing, that maybe even experienced it too and would be able to support him, or at least help him learn how to support himself.  
  
All of a sudden, he was feeling so much after having felt so little. He couldn’t even try to parse out all the individual feelings as they bloomed within him, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was that the sheets under him didn’t feel as stiff as they had at daybreak and that his eyes were wet with the beginning of speechless, elated tears. He still felt heavier than he knew he should feel— his head still ached and his stomach still felt uneasy— but there was something rejuvenating about the way he could feel his steady heartbeat in his chest and feel a small smile creeping onto his lips as the words _“mental illness”_ repeated themselves in his mind.  
  
Amira though, who he had all but forgotten about, must have only seen the tears, because she scooted forward on the bed just a little, trying to catch Matteo’s downcast eyes.  
  
“Hey, no, it’s not a bad thing,” she said. Matteo looked up at her, his eyes glistening brightly and the corners of his lips turning up just enough that he could feel it in his cheekbones. “Oh,” she said. “You’re smiling. Those are relieved tears?”  
  
“Relieved,” Matteo echoed. His eyes widened and his eyebrows raised in realization. He was feeling joy, but he was also feeling relief, deep and powerful relief. _Amira is too good at identifying what I’m going through._ Matteo laughed a bit at the thought, then shook his head in amazement that he was laughing. After days of feeling overwhelming despair, disorientating emotions, and tormenting emptiness, he was sitting there, smiling, crying, and laughing over something that Matteo was pretty sure would devastate anyone else. But Matteo knew in his gut that Amira was right about it not being a bad thing. He looked back over to Amira with her inquisitive and blissfully confused face. Matteo just straightened his back and asked, “Can you tell me more about how mental illness isn’t a bad thing?”  
  
“Of course,” Amira said. “So, my connection to the group says they don’t think of it as a detrimental thing. It’s nothing to be scared of or ostracize people for. It’s just a part of someone and the life they live. It might be hard to live through, in fact, it probably will be at times, but it’s not all bad and it doesn’t mean that the person is damaged or anything. At the core of this group isn’t a search for a cure, but a celebration of how everyone’s brain works differently. That and an effort to find ways to make life more livable for people with mental illness because they all have lives that are worth living and are beautiful in ways that most people could never even imagine.”  
  
“I, I—” Matteo started, overwhelmed with speechlessness. He took in each of Amira’s words carefully, holding them all close to his chest because for perhaps the first time, the words he was hearing seemed to fit into the empty slots in his heart. He couldn’t have found his own way to those words— to that understanding of himself and the beauty of the life he lived— but hearing them wasn’t just eye-opening, it was comforting, validating, and freeing. Matteo knew innately that he had always felt this way, even without the words. But now he had the words for it and he knew he wasn’t alone. “That’s perfect,” Matteo finally said.  
  
He looked up at Amira, who was smiling at him like she understood how powerful this moment was for him. “Yeah? I hoped it would be,” she said kindly. “I don’t know a whole lot about this topic, so I’m definitely not an excerpt, but from what I do know, it sounds like a match.”  
  
“What else do you know?” Matteo asked quickly. He wasn’t even embarrassed by his desperate need for Amira to tell him everything she knew about mental illness because, _holy fuck, there’s a name for it. Mental illness._   
  
“Well, for starters, people can present their mental illness in a lot of different ways,” Amira said. “And it’s very internal so it can be hard to really know much, but a lot of people with mental illness have, I think they call them episodes, where things get a lot harder to deal with. They can look very different for different people, but things like self-isolating, not eating, being very emotional or not emotional at all, being very aggressive or very passive. Not being able to maintain healthy social relationships or keep up with work. A lack of motivation or energy. Feeling misunderstood and alone. Self-loathing. Sometimes self-harm.”  
  
“Shit,” Matteo breathed out. He looked back down to his lap, too flooded by Amira’s list to even pick at his hangnail. “That’s it. That’s us.”  
  
_Us. My mom. She was right. She told us all that she was sick. No one but me and her thought the word fit. But she was right. And, I, I guess I was right too. Fuck, this is real. Mental illness. My mom has a mental illness. I have a mental illness.  
  
But I experience stuff that isn’t on that list. Stuff that definitely isn’t normal._  
  
“You okay down there, Matteo?” Amira asked. Matteo brought his eyes back up to her a moment later and saw her softly smiling at him.  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. But, um, Amira?” Matteo asked. His eyes wandered as he psyched himself up to ask the question. “Um, do you know if these Yogalla people…do they know anything about, like, the senses? Like when they sort of go into overdrive and get to be too much to handle and, like, I don’t know how else to describe it, but is that a thing?”   
  
“I’m not sure,” Amira said. “I haven’t heard anything like that, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a part of their work or real. Is that something you experience?”   
  
“Yeah. All the time. I mean, not literally all the time, but kind of literally all the time. I don’t know. Never mind,” Matteo said. He shook his head as his confidence and calmness faded. Then he took a deep breath, looked back at Amira, and tried to focus on the answers he now had, not the questions that still remained. “Thank you for telling me about all this. This is— like, this is it. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for this moment. Holy shit.”  
  
“I only wish I’d told you sooner,” Amira said. She looked away, and Matteo could sense remorse radiating off her.  
  
Matteo was ready to tell her that it was fine, but then he looked to the side as he thought for a moment. “Yeah, wait, why didn’t you? My mom has been like this— I mean, she’s had a mental illness for years. And, I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever had this hardcore of an episode, but this isn’t exactly new for me. And you’re a smart girl, so I don’t think you would have missed it.”  
  
“I only learned about this stuff recently, since your coronation. I was going to tell you about it on this trip, that first day I got here even, but we’ve been a little busy talking about your sexuality and David and stuff.” Amira paused, then the casual defensiveness in her voice faded into seriousness. “And also, I didn’t want to assume. I’ve picked up on things, most definitely. But I don’t know exactly how it feels to be you or what you are feeling right now in the middle of all this. What I do know, though, is that life isn’t always as simple as people make it seem. And that people need support to get through life. And that maybe you need a little bit more support than most or just a different kind of support. But that doesn’t mean you’re broken, okay?”  
  
“Thank you. I think, yeah, I think I can see that now,” Matteo said. There was a bit of hesitation mixed in with his gratitude and confidence, but he had spent years winding his way to the words he spoke, so finally getting to speak them, slowly but surely, banished that hesitation as he sat up taller. “I’m not broken. I’m not a waste of space who deserves to be cast away. Not everyone will believe that and that sucks, but I believe it. And that’s what matters. That and having people in my life who get it and believe it and can be there for me. People like you who definitely understand me and love me and are really great at being there for me. I mean, like, damn, Amira, you figured this out.”  
  
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I am hardly ever wrong,” Amira said. She sounded happy and a just a too bit smug, which just made Matteo laugh softly down to his lap. “But, seriously, Matteo, I’m here for you no matter what and I’m going to do everything I can to support you.”  
  
“Thank you, but, um, do your super-smart Yogalla people have any ideas about how to do that? Because I definitely don’t. Have I made that clear enough?” he asked, his laughter bubbling up loudly as his lips found their way to a goofy smile.  
  
“Yeah, you have,” Amira said, smiling and laughing with him. “And, yeah, they do. And I think it’s already working.”  
  
“What’s working?” Matteo asked, his laughter ceasing as he tried to process.  
  
“Okay, so, let me explain,” Amira said. Matteo threw all his energy into comprehending her words. “They say that it’s extremely important to let yourself lean into the things you’re experiencing and feeling. The goal isn’t to deny them because forcing yourself to ignore them isn’t going to take you anywhere but down. But at the same time, you have to stop yourself from falling into harmful cycles, from following those dangerous impulses that keep you from self-care and functioning. You have to take care of yourself, even if it is contrary to what your mind is telling you. You can’t push yourself past what you are capable of, but you should try your best to find a regular pattern that is healthy and comfortable for you. So, basically, get back on a daily schedule, eat at mealtimes, bath regularly, get on a consistent sleep schedule, have the lights on during the day and off at night, keep your body moving, and last but not least, socialize. You have to hang out with people, talk to them, but also share your thoughts and feelings with them, let them in. We have to build bridges and be there for each other. Otherwise, we will end up lonely, like islands. I think that’s the metaphor their leader uses, anyways.”   
  
“That’s a lot of things,” Matteo said. He let out a heavy breath, still stuck on the list of things, barely even taking in the island metaphor. “Holy shit.”  
  
“Well, you are already doing two of them,” Amira said encouragingly. “The lights are on and we’re socializing right now. And it seems like it’s going pretty well. You already seem a lot better than when I walked in.”  
  
“I guess I do feel better than before,” Matteo said, slowly as he evaluated his physical and mental state. _Relief, hope, laughter. Laughter isn’t a feeling, is it? It feels like a feeling. And connected to myself. I feel connected to myself. And I am thinking, like in almost sentences. And I’m feeling things. That’s nice. Nice things. Like laughter. But my stomach hurts. And my neck is sore. And my eyes. And my head. Oh, lights. Yeah._ “But, um,” Matteo said, reaching into the knowledge of his mind, the confidence of his heart, and the guidance of his body. “Do you think we could maybe turn off some of the lights? Like, that chandelier is giving me a headache.”  
  
“Yeah, of course, whatever works best for you,” Amira said, getting off the bed. “But you really do need to eat. Does anything sound good?”  
  
By the still open door, Amira flipped the switch, leaving only the desk lamp and the bit of sun from the cloudy sky to softly illuminate the room. But Matteo didn’t feel relief. He couldn’t, not when he was being forced to think about food.  
  
“No,” Matteo said. He could smell phantom tomatoes and garlic cloves as his insides churned in agony. “My stomach hurts just thinking about pasta sauce.”  
  
“A sandwich?”  
  
“No,” Matteo said. He brought his legs up to his chest, feeling like he was caving in on himself. With his thighs pressed into his stomach, he felt bloated and hollow at the same time. He shoved his legs out in front of him, simultaneously loving and hating the way his neglected muscles stretched out.  
  
“I know this is hard. But part of your stomach ache is probably hunger, even though food sounds so awful,” Amira said, trying to be gentle. Matteo just remained silent, staring at his toes, trying to convince himself that Amira was right. “Just some bread?” Amira asked. “And maybe some water, because you probably need hydration too.”  
  
“Yeah, okay. I guess I could try that,” Matteo said. As he slowly nodded, he noticed that his headache had lessened. He took a deep breath, and looked up to Amira before she could leave. “And, um, maybe, you could stay?  
  
“You want me to stay up here?” she asked. She sounded curious and a bit stunned as she vaguely pointed to her chest.   
  
“You said socialization was important,” Matteo said, shrugging. He didn’t want to admit that he was a little afraid to be alone again and that he didn’t think he would be able to eat if she wasn’t there to keep him accountable.  
  
“It is important,” Amira said. “But just know that you can take your time. You don’t have to check off everything on that list right away. It doesn’t have to happen overnight.”  
  
“Oh, it’s definitely not going to,” Matteo said, trying to lighten the mood. He scooted back on the bed so he was sitting with his tiring back flush against the headboard. “I haven’t had a consistent sleep schedule, like, ever in my life. But, maybe in a few days, I can, like, I don’t know, try to take a bath or something.”  
  
“I’m impressed, Matteo,” Amira said. She crossed her arms and smiled at him with a pleasantly surprised pride. “I was sort of excepting some resistance to the whole ‘taking care of yourself’ model.”  
  
“Hey, I’ve been waiting for someone to know how to help me my whole life. If this is the help, then I’m giving it a shot,” Matteo said. “It’s not like the alternative is any better. I don’t want to feel like this forever.”  
  
“And you won’t,” Amira said simply. She started to back out the open door frame, then said, “I’ll run down to the kitchen and be back soon.”  
  
“Wait, Amira,” Matteo called out, lifting a hand up in her direction. “Will you take this soup away?”  
  
“Oh, yeah, sure,” she said.   
  
As she walked over to the bedside table where Hans’ soup still sat, the room fell silent and Matteo turned inward as he looked down at his lap. Matteo never needed a reason for David to come to his mind, but Amira preparing to go down to the kitchen to get food and then come back up to his room reminded Matteo of when he had done the same thing for David. It broke his heart, thinking about how happy they had been, kissing until David’s stomach growled and eating the sandwich that had always made Matteo feel weird, but didn’t faze David in the slightest.   
  
“Amira?” Matteo asked. She turned to him, bowl of soup in her hands, but Matteo didn’t look up. “Did, um, did David and his crew steal the statue of my father in the town square?”  
  
Amira paused for a moment, clearly trying to recalibrate to the fragile topic that was David. She got there with a somberness in her voice. Even Matteo could tell she was choosing her words carefully.  
  
“Um, yeah, they did. Or at least someone did, someone who left dozens of copies of a manifesto on the base of the statue. We have some here in the palace. I can bring you one if you want.”  
  
“Yes, please,” Matteo whispered.  
  
“No one knows where he is,” Amira continued. “Lieutenant Adamczyk has guards out looking for him, but no one knows where he lives and Lieutenant Adamczyk doesn’t really have any leads on the other members of the revolution. I think if David is careful and smart about things, he’ll be safe. Hey, look at me,” Amira said. Her voice was suddenly firm; she had clearly noticed how Matteo was silently slipping into an ocean of worry. He snapped his eyes up to hers and she continued. “I know it’s hard, but right now, you need your energy more than he does.”  
  
Matteo took a deep breath and nodded as he pushed back his heartbreak, fear, and lingering desire for David. He spoke slowly but resolutely as he looked up at Amira. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I have to focus on taking care of myself. Thank you.”  
  
“Of course,” she said earnestly. She smiled down at him for a moment before turning away from the bed and reigniting her loveable support and smugness in the same breath. “I’ll be back with the best bread in all of Florenzia. Not that it’s as good as Yogallan bread.”  
  
“Oh, okay, I see how it is,” Matteo said. His eyebrows raised in a smile as he piped up and held back a laugh. “You have nothing on us!”  
  
“You have never been more wrong,” she said seriously. She turned around in the doorframe and their eyes locked. All Matteo could do was lift his hand and lazily flip her off. Amira just rolled her eyes and warmly said, “Right back at you, best friend.”  
  
“I love you, too,” Matteo said. He was more than willing to drop the teasing for just a moment if it meant Amira could understand just how eternally grateful he was for her.  
  
From the way she smiled fondly, and said “I really do love you, Matteo,” before tapping the doorframe and leaving, Matteo was pretty sure she knew.  
  
— — —  
  
David had never felt more fulfilled, holding tight to each and every image that his soul presented to him and confidently guided his brush time and time again to create painting after painting.  
  
He felt so connected to himself as he painted that he didn’t want to stop for anything or anyone, but as the afternoon sun faded into an evening glare, he began to anxiously anticipate Laura’s arrival. As much as he loved the journey in soul-healing art that he was suspended in the middle of, he had no earthly idea how to put words to it. He still thought it all to be a bit crazy, like he was some tortured artist who was unhinging himself out of desperation. He figured that much was true, but somehow, it didn’t seem to bother him all that much as his body soothed and grounded itself in his emotions and in the celestial sense of rightness that radiated off his brush. But there was no way he could explain that feeling to Laura because explaining the feeling meant explaining the odyssey of explosive, damaging thought he had been on. His mind had no words for that, and he wasn’t even sure he wanted it to. The thought of Laura seeing him paint and having to explain every painful, incomprehensible thing to her made his heart race and his skin crawl.  
  
But then Laura, with groceries in hand, walked in and saw him painting their mother  
and father holding hands against an orangish pink sunset and his heart stayed steady in his chest. Feeling calm all over, pensive and passionate even, he simply stepped back from the wall as she set down the groceries. She came up beside him, wonder on her face, and inspected the work before pulling him into a hug. Despite himself, he desperately hoped she understood everything just from seeing him painting and from feeling the heaviness in his arms as he held her tight.  
  
It seemed like maybe she did, because she didn’t ask him any questions. She just stepped aside to make dinner and then only made him stop painting long enough to eat. As he ate, she quietly packed a bag for Linn’s and then kissed his cheek before leaving. David smiled as the door shut and shortly thereafter, he started a painting of Laura dancing in the kitchen like she used to do when she was a teenager.   
  
David painted late into the night, filling the wall with countless paintings, each one warming his heart and gratifying his soul. He stopped only when his yawns made his eyes water, blurring his vision and reminding him to sleep. He slept solid and deep, and woke up feeling more refreshed than ever before. He got back to work as soon as his feet were awake enough to carry him over to the drafting table without stepping on one of the many paintings that had found a home on the floor; the wall behind the drafting table had filled quickly. Taking up his stance again, his first painting of the new day was of Genevieve, eyes closed and hands poised to cast one of her many life-changing spells.  
  
That painting of Genevieve, just like each and every one, took David on a journey deep within himself. The paintings made him confront emotions, desires, pains, and memories that he had previously been unable to truly hold in his hands. With each painting, he traveled through his deepest self and wrestled with whatever he found there. Sometimes it made him smile and laugh, sometimes cry and scream, sometimes both. He didn’t do much thinking, but when he did, he thought with his heart.  
  
By the time it had been a little over a full day since his first brushstroke, David didn’t even find thinking with his heart that hard anymore. It came easier than ever before, and David felt more whole than he ever had. He absolutely loved the way it lit him up from the inside out.  
  
It was that feeling that made David’s soul direct his consciousness to an image of Matteo. It wasn’t his first painting of Matteo and it was far from his last, but this one felt particularly poignant and laced in light as it came to life. There on the paper, Matteo was bathed in starlight as he stood with his eyes cast up to the starry sky. There was a soft, hopefully smile on his lips and a glimmer of wonder in his eyes as he took in the dark purples and gorgeous illuminations of the sky around him. The yellow and gold shone down over him as if the stars were made to shine on him.  
  
The painting was only a few touch-ups away from being complete, but David couldn’t quite bring himself to finish it without taking a moment to collect himself. He took a small step back, breathlessly taking in the marvelous sight in front of him. He wanted nothing more than to reach out, pull Matteo out of the painting and bury himself in Matteo’s warmth. But all he could do was stare at his beauty and think about how Matteo believed their love was written in the stars.  
  
David wanted to believe that, he really, truly did. But even with his heart beating and his head listening, even with his soul strewn out on endless cathartic paintings, he couldn’t find it within himself to believe that anything written in the stars about him was good. He wanted it to be good. He wanted it to be grand and soul illuminating. He wanted his destiny to be a beautiful little piece of the majestically interwoven and fated story of the universe. The idea of destiny was magnificent to David, even if he couldn’t shake the belief that destiny only had bad things in store for him. If David wasn’t such a romantic at his core, he would have said, “screw destiny, I don’t believe in some shit that’s just gonna fuck me over.” But David’s heart yearned for a place within density that was laced with intricately purposefully beauty and goodness for him and for the universe because of him. Believing in that as a possibility, though, still felt like a dangerous step he didn’t know how to take. Truthfully, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to take that step. It felt far too risky, even to his raw and unpracticed heart.  
  
Matteo, though. David knew that Matteo was the kind of person who believed love and joy were written into the stars. He believed his and David’s love and joy were written into the stars, absolutely meant to be. He had said it, shouted it out in the very room where David was standing, staring into his painted eyes.  
  
_But it isn’t just our intertwined destinies that Matteo believes in. It’s life. Matteo has been dealt a rough deck of cards, and yet he is the kind of person who can trust in the stars. For better for worse, he takes his life as it comes and carries on with a strength he doesn’t even know he has. He may not always like what life puts in front of him and he may be scared as hell that there is nothing good waiting for him, but he never gives up or gives into that. He keeps moving, letting his search for light pull him along. He looks for light in the darkest places and when he finds it, he dives in and tries to pull everyone around him into it. If he didn’t believe there was light waiting for him somewhere in the world, he wouldn’t keep going. He wouldn’t let people love him, he wouldn’t keep his heart on the ready, he wouldn’t keep holding on to life no matter how hard it got. Matteo believes in possibility in a way that I lost so long ago. But he never lost trust in the light of the stars, in light in the darkest places.  
  
He’s light in the darkest places. The light of infinite stars. My lucky star. God, I wish. Maybe._  
  
Then, just as his eyes began to mist with tears of hope, he heard a knock on the front door.  
  
David let out a heavy sigh, hot air escaping his lips as he filled with frustration. The lurch in his stomach and the sudden tightness in his chest felt deeply reminiscent of the times the mental door of the private cell had crashed into his moments with Matteo. But this time, there was no accompanying gratitude seeping out from his nasty thoughts.  
  
His frustration was only joined by fear because he was not expecting anyone and as a man on the run from the law, an unanticipated knock at the door could mean terrible things. He immediately felt his guard fly up around himself as he turned around to look at the door. But when he did, he really only saw the expanse of paintings on the floor.  
  
_Shit, how the fuck am I supposed to explain all this? Like, I know why I’m doing this, but they never will.  
  
This is stupid. What a fucking waste of your time. And, on what? Something that people are going to think you’re crazy for? That has no logic to it?  
  
It’s not stupid. I feel good. I feel like a person. I feel like me.  
  
You won’t feel like anything if it’s Lieutenant Adamczyk on the other side of that door. Though, I guess it won’t really matter if he sees all this. He already hates you. He already wants to kill you. And even if he doesn’t kill you on the spot, he’s gonna make your life the living hell that it was destined—_  
  
Before the nasty little voice could go any further, David heard the rustle of papers. He looked up and watched with wide eyes as the paintings all rose off the ground and swirled up around the house. In his peripheral vision, he could see the paintings on the wall behind him gently flying off and coming towards the drafting table, careful not to hit him. In only a matter of seconds, all the paintings soared through the air and arranged themselves in a neat stack on the drafting table. Then, around the paintings, a reddish-brown folder materialized.  
  
_First, I find out the paintbrushes glow when they are apart from me and now this? Either this paint set is getting more magical by the day or I have been missing out on some majorly cool things.  
  
Wow, if that isn’t the truth.  
  
Not now! The door!_  
  
David shook his head, stopping his thoughts, and hid the folder under the drafting table. With a cautious and pensive expression on his face, he slowly and carefully snuck over to the window by his bed; it was the best way to see who was waiting on the other side of the door a few feet away.  
  
He quietly came up to the side of the window and stood on his tiptoes ever so slightly to glance through the gap at the edge of the curtain. The only thing he could see was Carlos’ scrunched up, inquisitive face as he stood right up against the other side of the window.  
  
“I know he is in there,” Carlos said. His voice was muffled but it was just loud enough for David to hear through the glass. “I’m trying to see if I can see him, but it’s just all curtain. Oh, wait, no! There he is!”  
  
David stepped away from the window, rolling his eyes and huffing out something across between a sign and a laugh. He knew he probably should have been frustrated that the curtains had failed to conceal him from the outside world, but, truly, all he could feel was delighted to see Carlos.  
  
By the time he reached the door, he had a smile on his face and a witty greeting ready to go. He lovingly rolled his eyes again as he unlocked and opened the door.  
  
“Stop creeping on my window, Schmidt,” David said, affectionately. But when the door fully opened and he looked at the sight in front of him, his blood thickened and his hands went hot. A young woman he did not know was standing on his doorstep. Her shoulder-length blonde hair dusted the fabric of her simple yet luxurious overcoat as she looked up at him expectantly “Um, Carlos?” David called out. He tightened his grip on the doorknob in his hand, fighting the urge to run out the backdoor.  
  
“Oh, hey, it’s okay,” Carlos said quickly. He turned away from the window and scurried over to the doorstep. “She’s with me. Can we come in?”  
  
“Uh, yeah, yeah,” David said quietly. Air starting to return to his lungs, he let go of the doorknob and stepped back into the safety of the dimly lit house. He warily eyed the young woman as she walked in and began subtly glancing around. Carlos bounded in like nothing was out of the ordinary and closed the door.  
  
“Sorry to drop by unannounced,” Carlos said. “But it’s been too long. We’re overdue for some hang out time. And revolution time too. I’m sure you’re ready to get back to that.”   
  
“I, um,” David said. He looked away from Carlos, as he felt his chest heating up. How was he supposed to tell him that the revolution had barely even crossed his mind in the last 24 hours? Or that the last time it had, the thought was spiked with utter disdain and frustration at the way it made him feel like a selfish, unhealthy idiot. _You don’t tell him that. Especially not with that stranger standing there._ David stood taller, looking back at Carlos and feeling himself fall back into something that felt nauseatingly familiar. “You talk a big game about not telling people, and yet…” David trailed off tilting his head over to the young woman.  
  
“Oh, right, sorry, no dude,” Carlos said quickly. He waved a hand out in front of his chest, then gestured over to the young woman. “David, this is Mia Winter—”  
  
“I read your manifesto,” she said. Her enthusiasm was a type of restrained that told David she had been raised to choose her words carefully and carry herself with a controlled poise at all times.  
  
If she came from the elite world of the monarchy as he suspected, he had every reason to keep his guard up. And there in that moment— the revolution beckoning him to hold his head up high to defend his people and his principles against someone who would likely oppose him— he had no problem pushing his shoulders back and slipping into revolutionary David.  
  
“Did you?” David asked, turning to her.  
  
“It was excellent.”  
  
“And how did you know I wrote it?” He crossed his arms over his chest as he stepped up to stand right in front of her.  
  
“I didn’t,” Mia said calmly. “But I asked around. My friend Sam recognized the booklet, and said I should stop by the Schmit’s Shop. Try to catch Abdi or Carlos. Which I did. Carlos said he could bring me to the leader of the revolution to learn more and join the movement.”  
  
David was silent for a moment, mind moving fast in a million different directions that all ended with Mia Winter being the downfall of the revolution. David may have felt a bit distant from the revolution, but not so much that his heart didn’t break at the thought of it being torn to shreds from the inside out.  
  
“Carlos,” David said, eyes not leaving Mia. “A word?”  
  
Without even looking, David could sense Carlos nodding his head and starting to walk. He passed behind David, placing a hand on his shoulder. David didn’t really mind, but he nonetheless knocked it off as he turned to follow Carlos over to the kitchen.  
  
“Look,” Carlos said as they stopped to stand opposite each other. “I know you’re seeing red right now—”  
  
“I’m not seeing red,” David said defensively. He took a deep breath that wasn’t nearly deep enough, regaining most of his composure.“Just, I mean, I know our plan was always to expand the revolution's membership, but do you know this girl at all?”  
  
“Yeah, I do actually,” Carlos said, a little perturbed. David shrunk back only a little as he listened. “I went to school with her. She’s friends with Kiki. And that Sam who she mentioned is too.”  
  
“Is, um,” David said, looking down. “Is Sam the one that Abdi has a crush on? Who has magic and made the copies?”  
  
“Yeah, they’re all friends. We all are,” Carlos said. David met his eyes again, feeling his mouth start to go dry. “So, yeah, I know Mia. We aren’t, like, super close or anything— she is more in Kiki’s social class than mine— but Kiki and Sam and Hanna and basically everyone I know swears by how great Mia is. She is super, super smart. And has really strong morals. If she is coming to us, saying that she read the manifesto and wants to be a part of the movement, then I think we should trust her.”  
  
David looked down at the floor again, his whole body consumed by contemplation. The question was whether or not to trust Mia, but all he could think about was the feeling of community.  
  
_All these people, they’re connected. They know and trust each other. They share their lives with one another. It’s community. It’s safety. It’s not being alone in the world. I want that. I want community. I want to be able to trust someone because someone I love trusts them. That’s a web of reliability, of belief, of connection, of love. Trusting someone really is the best way to show them that you love them.  
  
Matteo trusted me. I trusted Matteo.  
  
And Abdi trusted me about Matteo. Even when I told him that ridiculous lie about Matteo’s flirting being an interrogation tactic, he trusted me. Everyone did. They all went ahead with the statue even though they had every reason to back away. Because they trust me. They love me. _  
  
Awestruck, David looked up at Carlos. He was just standing there, watching David with a patient and kind face. He looked exactly like the kind of person who loved David, who trusted him and who would wait for him to realize those things no matter how long it took.   
  
But then David heard a creak in the floor, and glanced over to where Mia was standing.   
  
_Mia. New blood in the revolution. It actually sounds kind of nice. Like, I should hate the idea of someone new coming in here and throwing off our dynamic, even though I know it’s for the best. I’m supposed to find the idea of new people frustratingly distressing because new people mean this thing is getting away from me. But it’s appealing? New people means I have to do less. And doing less means that I have space for other things. Things like art. Things like friends. Things like Matteo. Damn. Did I just think that? Wow. But, yeah, without the revolution taking up every square inch of my mind and pushing my heart to the side, I can live a little and maybe start to work my way to having things like Matteo in my life.  
  
Fuck, maybe the revolution is a coping mechanism after all.  
  
But, how can it be a coping mechanism? It’s a good thing. It will help people. The monarchy is criminal. It ruins lives and sends people down terrible paths that lead them to use shitty coping mechanisms in the first place. People like me.  
  
But I’m done with that stuff. Or at least I’m trying to be. I’m talking to my heart again and I’m painting everything my soul needs me to paint and I am trying not to be mean to myself for saying things like “I’m talking to my heart again.” And I am done putting the revolution in the way of my existence. It doesn’t have to be like that. Not when people are finding that manifesto and turning to their communities to find me and coming to me and telling me they want in. Not when that isn’t setting my world on fire.  
  
This isn’t setting your world on fire? Then why are your cheeks burning? Why are you standing over here instead of just letting her in? Or screaming at everyone to get away? Or running away yourself? Don’t you want to do that?  
  
No, no, actually I don’t. It doesn’t feel like she is about to break my world in two. It feels like she is about to break the revolution in two. Which is different. Because I’m more than just this revolution. For once, you were right. It is a coping mechanism. Not the principles of it, but the way I do it. The revolution is not my whole world, it’s not my identity, it’s not the only thing that matters. It’s just one thing that matters to me, one thing I love, one thing that makes me feel like I am doing my part to make this world a little better. Which is why I am not letting her in blindly. I have to make sure she has good intentions, not to protect myself, but to protect this revolution that is so much bigger than myself. So, I’m going to vet her. I’m going to harness those things you use against me— self-preservation, guardedness, defensiveness, a keen eye for danger— and use them for good. You taught me all this shit to break me down, but the jokes on you. I’m going to use it to make the world a better place. I’m going to use it to learn how to trust people. Not blind trust. Smart trust. Earned trust. And it’s time to give Mia the chance to start earning it._  
  
David looked up from the ground, a fierce determination in his eyes. He stepped away from Carlos with his chin lifted and his chest out for an entirely different reason than before.  
  
“So,” David said as he walked back over to Mia. “You want to be a part of our revolution?”  
  
“I do,” she said, looking him in the eye.  
  
“Even though you are from the upper class? Friends with nobility. Dressed to the nines. Academy educated without a scholarship, I assume,” he said as he walked. When he reached Mia again, he stopped and crossed his arms over his chest. “What do you have against the monarchy?”  
  
“It is unjust,” Mia said simply. “I believe in the power of self-determination and self-governance. Every citizen should be able to voice their opinions and shape the kingdom they live in. I believe in inalienable rights—”  
  
“Anyone who read the manifesto could say they believed in those things,” David said. “Why do you believe in them?”  
  
“Principles. Right and wrong,” Mia said without a moment’s hesitation. “My parents sent me to Florenzia to study at the academy and now I am continuing my education there post-graduation. I have resources, opportunities. But I only have them because this system was built for people like me on the backs of those who do not come from privilege. And the only reason they do not have privilege is because of arbitrary and selfish decisions of oppression, marginalization, and exploitation. It is unfair that I, as a white person who comes from wealth, have access to so much while others have so little. I have come to understand this because I can feel morality in my bones, but also because I have taken the time to educate myself by looking for people from all over the world who are speaking up and advocating for justice. And because as a bisexual woman, I have felt just enough of the sting of oppression to understand how debilitating it can be. I may be straight passing in a world that is giving women more equality every day, but the battle I have faced with internalized oppression has been harrowing. All that to say, I have the moral compass, the academic expertise and the lived experience to believe with my entire being that we cannot continue in such a harmful system as our monarchy. I have the privilege to stand idly by, but I refuse to do so.”  
  
David loved every word that came out of her mouth. They all spoke to his soul, his own beliefs and principles. They made him feel like maybe there was hope left in the world if people like Mia Winter could stand in front of him and speak those words. And he believed her. It shocked him, but he didn’t feel a red flag waving in his stomach. The only thing he felt in his gut was a question.  
  
“Internalized oppression?” David asked. “What do you mean by that?”  
  
“Internalized oppression is when an oppressed group uses the methods of the oppressing group against itself,” Mia said. Something lit up inside of David and it got brighter with every word she spoke. “Essentially, it is the turning of oppressive forces in upon one’s self. Internalizing negative stereotypes, harmful rhetoric, cruel judgments, unearned belittlement, and so on It occurs because the oppression of marginalized groups is completely interwoven into society. Even if an individual hasn’t faced specific forms of oppression—bullying, harassment, discrimination—they can still be affected by oppression. For example, no one told me outright that I, as a woman, couldn’t go on to post-grad studies, one day become the academy’s dean or an advisor to the king, but they didn’t have to. Those messages were in the air I breathed, and I internalized them. It grew into self-hatred and self-sabotage. I even externalized my internalized misogyny and hurt the women in my life. But that is just one way internalized oppression can manifest. Sometimes it stays self-directed or develops from outright oppression in addition to subtextual oppression. With my internalized biphobia, I heard so many harmful stereotypes and nasty misconceptions in reaction to my sexuality, that they became a part of how I saw myself. It is so easy to listen to the little voice in my head that tells me I’m not queer enough, that I’m indecisive and immoral, that I’m not worthy of love from others, let alone myself. But the voice is lying. It’s trying to trick me—and so many others— into buying into notions of oppression and perpetuating marginalization. I have read books about this topic; it is vastly complicated, which is actually one of the reasons we don’t talk about it even though it’s very common. There is internalized sexism, homophobia, transphobia, racism, classism, and more, I’m sure. Even those in immigrant communities or those with extreme trauma can experience a form of it.”  
  
“Wow,” David said. He hadn’t meant to say it, but the light of understanding that had been growing inside of him yearned to be expressed. He couldn’t hold it in, and as he heard his amazed and touched voice echoing out through the house, he realized he didn’t want to. His eyes were glossy with the subtlest of relieved tears and he didn’t even mind. Actually, he welcomed them; they felt like a sign that things were falling into place in a way that he had never even known to hope for.  
  
“Did that answer your question?” Mia asked. David opened his mouth to respond, but he was just so stunned that the only words that came were in his mind.  
  
_There’s a word for it, for this voice in my head and all this that I’ve been experiencing. Internalized oppression. I’m not crazy. I’m not stupid. I’m not losing my mind. I’m experiencing internalized oppression. And I’m not the only one. Mia has felt it. I bet everyone in the revolution has felt it. Matteo too.  
  
Matteo. This is the feeling Matteo’s been chasing his whole life. This feeling of understanding, of relief. Of having a name, having an answer. Of not feeling so alone, of not feeling like a mystery that no one, let alone yourself, will ever be able to understand. I never really knew I needed this feeling, but he’s been dreaming of it his whole life. It’s going to be beyond ethereal and joyous when he finally finds it. God, I want to help him find it and live within it. I want him to know that he is understandable. Because he is. I am too. We are understandable. We are real. We can see ourselves. And we can see each other.  
  
I want to tell him about this. I want to tell him about my internalized transphobia, internalized racism, internalized classism. I want to tell him how the world taught me that I’m unlovable and unworthy by shouting it in my face and whispering it in my ear every day. I want to tell him that I never let myself feel my pain. But that I’m painting and feeling and trying and learning and working on myself. I want to tell Matteo everything.   
  
But I also want to tell Leonie and Laura, even Carlos, Abdi, and Linn. I want to ask them if they’ve felt it and I want to tell them all the ways it has fucked up my life.  
  
Wow, since when am I a person who wants to open up to people? Since today I guess. Because I do want that. I want to share my life with those I love. I want to learn to trust. _  
  
“Hey, David, man, you okay?” Carlos asked. His hand landed on David’s shoulder, and David looked up.  
  
“Yeah, I’m great,” David said. He smiled over his shoulder to Carlos then looked back to Mia with that same smile. “Welcome to our revolution, Mia Winter.”  
  
“So, you’ll have me?” she asked.  
  
“Most definitely,” David said, resolutely. He extended a hand for her to shake. “You’ve earned our trust. My trust. I think you will be a perfect addition to our crew.”  
  
“Thank you,” Mia said. She sounded so genuine and humble as she reached out to return the handshake.  
  
“Of course. And, well,” David said, shrugging his shoulders a little. “Us queer revolutionaries gotta stick together, right?”  
  
“Absolutely,” Mia said. The way she squeezed David’s hand before letting go made David’s heart swell with an addictive solidarity. “Well, I would love to stay,” Mia said, louder and more final. “But I do have to get back to the academy for an appointment. We will have to meet again soon. I have so many ideas, even other friends that may want to join.”  
  
“Oh yeah,” Carlos said, excitedly joining in. “Mia was telling me on the way over that she has a friend who lives alone in this really nice manner with spare rooms, so we could probably set up a legit headquarters there.”  
  
“That would actually be really nice,” David said, tilting his head. _It would be so healthy to move to revolution to a place where I don’t live. Separation of work and life. Boundaries._  
  
“Great, I’ll talk to Alexander about setting up a nice little Headquarters Hardenderberg,” Mia said. Her smile glowed just a bit brighter, but that was only half of David’s focus.  
  
“Alexander Hardenberg?” David asked with his jaw all but dropped. “As in the heir to Hardenberg Gold? The wealthiest private business in the whole kingdom? That Hardenberg?”  
  
Mia glanced away, a little shy for the first time since she arrived. “There might be something developing between me and Alex,” she said. Then she met David’s still wide eyes, shaking her head and changing her tone to be much more nonchalant. “I’m not really sure where it’s going.”  
  
“Okay, well, just don’t ruin your relationship for the sake of the revolution, okay?” David said. _I’m not going to let anyone else make the same mistake I did._ “This thing we’re doing is important, but it’s not worth sacrificing love for.”  
  
“Thank you, I’ll try to keep that in mind,” Mia said softly. There was a flash of something very real behind her eyes and David wanted to draw it out in her the same way he wanted to draw it out within himself. But he knew that he needed to focus on himself for the time being, so he didn’t push. He just let her carry on in that poised manner, albeit a little freer than she had been initially. “I’m still going to get you that headquarters, though. I actually think Alex might be interested in joining as well. But regardless, I must get going. It was wonderful to meet you, David. I look forward to working together.”  
  
“Likewise, Mia,” David said kindly. “We’ll be in touch.”  
  
Mia sent him one last gentle smile then turned to leave. When Mia was out the door, Carlos turned back to David with an apologetic affection on his face.  
  
“I probably should go too,” he said. “We’re down a man at the shop, after all.”  
  
“Okay, yeah, but, um,” David said. His brow furrowed as he scratched at his forehead, a little nervous. “One thing before you go?”  
  
Carlos dawned an expectant face, but David stayed silent. He was sure in his decision, even if he had just made it deep in his heart, but he still needed a moment to collect the words.  
  
“It’s okay, man, what’s up?” Carlos asked, patiently.  
  
Reassured, David let out a breath. “You should tell Kiki.”  
  
“What? About the revolution?” Carlos asked. Confusion took over his face, even as David nodded. “Are you sure? Because I get—”  
  
“You love her right?” David said, putting his hands in his pocket and looking up at Carlos a bit timidly.   
  
“100%.”  
  
“Then tell her. She’s earned your trust. Mine too,” David said, heartbreak in his voice. “And, well, you deserve to share your whole life with the person you love. Don’t let anything, especially me or this revolution, stop you.”  
  
“Okay,” Carlos said, touched and happy. David wasn’t sure Carlos understood the depth of what he had said, but David didn’t care. He was glad Carlos was focused on himself and the love he was lucky enough to still have in his life. “Thank you, man.”  
  
“Don’t thank me,” David said, looking away and waving him off.  
  
“Yeah, not following that order,” Carlos muttered. He pulled David into a hug, wrapping an arm around him and patting his back a few times. David didn’t dare roll his eyes as he reciprocated the hug, smiling into Carlos’ shoulder.   
  
David let the hug linger for just a moment longer than he normally would have, but then pulled away and playfully pushed at Carlos’ chest.  
  
“Okay, get out of here, Schmidt,” he said. He took a few steps back into the house as Carlos smiled, opened the door, and stepped out. “Oh, and,” David called out on a whim that came straight from his gut. “Tell Leonie she needs to visit me!”   
  
Carlos turned around, walking backward down the pathway to the street, and gave him a thumbs up. “Will do! Hang in there, man!”  
  
David quickly stepped up to close the door, then turned around, leaning his weight on the door as his smile grew. He shook his head at how ridiculous it was— smiling big despite the heartbreak he was so deeply saturated in. But even as his heart ached and yearned for Matteo, it also soared and healed for himself. There was something so wonderful about the feeling of camaraderie that still lingered on his skin. He could practically feel it absorbing into his pores, tripling his desire to find more of it. He was still scared and unsure, he still had a lot to learn and a lot to work through. But he knew what he was doing. His feet were on the ground and he didn’t feel like screaming.  
  
_Matteo’s definition of joy. “Finding the people and places and things that make you feel like you are on fire and safe at the same time, and you just can’t stop smiling and you feel beautiful and special and, like, you can actually feel the ground beneath your feet and it doesn’t make you scream because for once in your life, you love feeling connected to things.”  
  
I’m finding those things. I have them. Definitely not all of them— as long as I don’t have Matteo, I’ll never have all of them—but those things are here. And I’m going to talk to one of them. Leonie. I’m going to tell her everything. I’m going to share my life with her because she has earned my trust a million times over.  
  
But for now, all I can do is wait for her to come by. Wait, and paint.  
  
I think I’ll paint that moment; Matteo’s hands in mine as he tells me about joy, kissing him slow and tender just like he deserves, calling him “my dear” and “perfect” because he is those things. Yeah, I’ll paint that moment and it will be the warmest painting yet. I can feel it. That much, at least, is written in the stars. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 15…title TBD…let’s just assume from now on that I don’t know the titles in advance anymore haha


	15. Trust In What Shines Through The Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> This chapter is a little long, so let’s just get to it! 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

Matteo never thought he would find himself voluntarily reading during what he now knew to call a mental health episode. Nonetheless, he spent the whole night after his visit with Amira with David’s manifesto in his hands.   
  
He wouldn’t necessarily say that he spent the whole night actually reading, comprehending every word on every page every time he looked down at the book, but he was trying to read. It was hard. The words swam on the page as his eyes blurred and refocused. Half the time, the words didn’t make sense even when they were perfectly aligned in carefully handwritten rows.  
  
But he turned the pages anyways because he figured he would at least try. He was beginning to feel like that was enough.  
  
By the time the sun rose the next morning, he had thumbed through the book cover to cover about a dozen times, and had probably read the whole thing with accuracy and comprehension three, maybe four times.  
  
The manifesto was brilliant, just like Matteo knew it would be. He enjoyed every word of it and smiled every time he recognized a phrase from his time listening to David share his passion with him. But Matteo’s soft, joyous affect was laced with sadness. The smell of David still swirled up from his sheets and into his nostrils as his eyes traced across his small, pointed handwriting. Reading the manifesto made Matteo feel like he was holding a piece of David in his hands. He so desperately wished it wasn’t the only piece he had left.  
  
Matteo had missed David the whole week, but his devastation was more obvious than ever now that the fog was starting to clear from his brain and his movements felt less and less like betrayals of his consciousness.  
  
He still felt heavy and weighed down, utterly unable to convince himself to get out of bed or change clothes. Even hours later, he felt simultaneously exhausted and restless from his few hours with Amira. It had been a nice time, all things considered; as he nibbled on bread that made him feel just left of nauseous, he faded in and out of conversations about Mohammed, shared nostalgia and how Matteo was fine with Amira explaining mental illness to everyone but Jonas who he wanted to talk to himself. Eventually, both Amira and the sun bid their adieus, and Matteo was left with a hard to place mixture of tired and energized. That was the feeling that had led him to stay up all night with David’s manifesto in the first place. Frustratingly, that choice only made the contradictory mixture of feelings more pronounced.  
  
As the sun rose, though, Matteo knew things were getting better because he could for the first time feel how deeply he missed David. He could taste it in the air that entered his mouth through his yearning laced sighs. He could hear his mind think, loud and clear, _damn, I can’t wait to tell David about mental illness, he would understand it and me so well, he already does understand me so well, but shit, I’m never going to get to tell him, fuck, this sucks, I’m going to miss him forever._

As painful as it was, the longing was a good sign. Matteo was coming back to himself, to the thoughts and feelings that mattered to him and made him feel real again. He could even feel how dirty his body had gotten and could entrain the thought _I would probably feel better on the other side of a bath._  
  
That seemed like a step in the right direction, but the amount of effort Matteo knew it would take to actually bathe made him sink deeper into the pillows as he reached the final pages of the manifesto once again.  
  
As his head bonked against the headboard, he heard a gentle knock on the cracked open door. He hurried to sit up as Hanna walked in with a full breakfast spread on a tray.  
  
“Good morning, Matteo,” she said. She stopped a few steps into the room and looked at him with a nice blend of happiness and confusion. “I know it’s already mid-morning, but I thought you might still be asleep.”  
  
“Uh, yeah, morning,” Matteo said. He readjusted the comforter over his lap and directed his eyes towards Hanna, trying to do his part to keep the conversation alive. “Sleep is…” he trailed off with a sigh. “I don’t know. I’ve been up for a while. Not exactly nailing this whole sleep schedule thing.”  
  
“That’s okay,” Hanna said. With her smile in full force, she came to the side of the bed. “I brought you breakfast. Amira said you had a little bit of lunch yesterday.”  
  
“Lunch is a strong word,” Matteo said, stifling a sad laugh. Hanna was holding up the tray as if she wanted to hand it to him, but Matteo couldn’t stomach the idea of the tray coming near him. It wasn’t even just the food. It was the sheer number of things on the tray; two glasses, a bowl, a plate, napkins, several pieces of silverware, and a totally superfluous single flower in a glass vase. The idea of balancing everything as he tried to eat food that he had no desire to ingest was entirely too overwhelming. “Thank you for coming up here and for the food, but I’m, um, not hungry.”  
  
“Matteo, I’m so sorry,” Hanna said. The cheeriness was gone from her voice; she sounded so deeply remorseful and exasperated.  
  
“For what?” Matteo asked. Confused and a little nervous, he turned to look at her and saw her placing the tray on his desk. She quickly turned back around and came back towards the bed.  
  
“For everything. That you are feeling so bad,” she said genuinely. She took a seat on the edge of the bed and Matteo shuffled a bit uncomfortably. He wished she had asked first, but he tried to focus on her words. “But mostly I’m sorry for being so intense about all that queen stuff. I just wanted to make you happy, and I thought finding a great queen would make you happy.”  
  
“I thought it would make me happy too, so you have nothing to apologize for,” Matteo said. He spoke slowly, finding the words as he went. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry for not telling you sooner.”  
  
“Oh, no, it’s totally okay,” Hanna said. “It’s your right to tell whoever you want, whenever you want.”  
  
“Yeah, but still,” Matteo said. He looked down at the space between them, recalling their conversation outside of David’s house and all the guilt that came along with it. “You are one of my best friends. I love you and I want you to know these kinds of things about me. So, yeah, I’m gay.”  
  
“Thank you for telling me. And I love you too, for the record,” Hanna said. Matteo could feel the air in his full and capable lungs as he looked up to her. “And I’m so sorry that you even felt the need to do the queen search. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are. I mean, if I had known you were gay, I would have been looking high and low for a king. There are plenty of amazing guys in this kingdom. I’m sure that your perfect king is out there somewhere. And when you’re ready, we can totally help you find him.”  
  
“That’s sweet, Hanna. Really. But I, uh, I think I already found him,” he said, quietly. He almost regretted bringing David up, but he felt impossible to avoid.  
  
“David?” Hanna asked. Matteo nodded, barely even realizing how painless the motion was. He was too focused on the longing ache in his chest.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said. “But I told you, he doesn’t want to be with me.”  
  
“What happened?” Hanna asked. Matteo just shrunk back into the pillows again. “Or do you not want to talk about it? Cause I get that.”  
  
“I don’t know,” Matteo said. He let out a sigh through his nose as thoughts turned over and over in his head. _I am so fucking tired, body tired and brain tired. Tired of filtering everything I fucking say. So just talk, Hanna won’t judge. She’s not like that. Just try to talk._ “I sort of don’t want to,” he said. “But I think that’s just because I feel so, like, hopeless when I do talk about him. Or, well, think about him. I haven’t done much talking, really. And, well, I’ve been trying to focus on hope lately. Like, all that stuff Amira was telling me about mental illness, it makes me feel like there is a future for me. That’s what I really want to talk about. But if I don’t talk about David, how am I ever—”  
  
Matteo’s verbalized thoughts were interrupted by a voice that was far too chipper for the morning. But even as the voice cut him off from speaking his mind in a way that made him incredibly proud of himself, Matteo was glad to hear Hans.  
  
“Hello, mind if I pop in?” he asked. He poked his head into the room with a cautious smile. It took Matteo a moment to process the development, but he found himself matching Hans’ smile.  
  
“Hans,” Hanna whined innocently, looking over her shoulder at him. “You said I could take care of bringing him breakfast this morning.”  
  
“Hey,” Hans said. He stepped into the room with his hands on his hips. “You aren’t the only one who wants to check on him.   
  
“Um,” Matteo said. Still beaming, his brow furrowed as he played along. “Him is right here.”  
  
Hans looked over to Matteo fondly. “You sound like you’re feeling better.”  
  
“A little bit, yeah,” Matteo said. His self-pride was back as he settled into just how true his statement was. He knew he could smile bigger and brighter than he was, but the moment was surprisingly wonderful and he was thankful for the happiness he could grasp on to.  
  
“Great,” Hans said. He walked over to the other side of the bed, taking a seat, mirroring Hanna. Matteo felt almost unbothered as the mattress shifted under him and Hans came into his space. A warning would have been nice, but Matteo was pleasantly surprised to feel fine, smile only fading a little as Hans settled in. “So, what are we talking about?”  
  
It was silent for a moment as Hanna looked to Matteo. She clearly wanted to follow his lead, which he appreciated. His thoughts from only a few moments before felt distant, but he remembered the gut feeling he had left off on— he absolutely needed to talk about David if he was ever going to work himself out of the low he was stuck in.  
  
“David,” Matteo said. His name was still heavy on his tongue as he leaned further back into his pillows.  
  
“David. This is the guy from the dungeon who you...” Hans trailed off, looking up at him with curiosity and restrained eagerness.  
  
Matteo took a moment, but it wasn’t long before he sat up a little taller. “We had a thing,” he said. “Because I’m gay. But you probably already knew that. And, well, we didn’t have a thing because I’m gay. We had a thing because I really, really like him. I mean, how could I not? He’s brilliant and passionate and so, ridiculously kind-hearted. He just cares so deeply and does amazing things with that. And to be the thing he cares about? It’s the most amazing feeling in the world. Because, like, he understands me. He just sees me for all that I am, and it doesn’t make him hate me or treat me like shit. It makes him care about me. He takes all that amazingness and strength and pure goodness within him-- all the stuff that made me fall for him, like, as a person-- and uses it to care about me and make me feel like I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for my whole life.”  
  
“That’s so beautiful, Matteo,” Hanna said. Matteo nodded a little, but his innermost thoughts and feelings weren’t done pouring out. 

“Yeah, it is. But it’s also beyond complicated,” he said, sighing. “At first, I couldn’t believe that he would kiss me and spend this amazing night with me and then just leave. But I listened to him at his house. I heard the way he wanted to, but couldn’t. The way there was something much bigger than politics holding him back. Something, like, deep in his bones that was keeping him from taking that step forward and taking the risk. Because, I mean, he’s not wrong. This thing between us— like, a gay, mentally ill king and a queer guy of color who actively fights against the monarchy. This thing is dangerous and risky. It’s not easy. And just, he—” Matteo stopped. He knew he was getting too close to David’s own personal demons, demons he knew he had no right to share, especially when he was just discovering how to put words to the understanding of David that he realized he had possessed all along. Matteo closed his eyes, and after some mental acrobatics, spoke the simplest and truest thing he could. “David is a person. He’s the most incredible person I know, but he is just a person. He has shit he has to work through, just like I do. And I wish I could hold him and tell him it’s all going to be okay and be there for him as he deals with it all, but that’s not what he wanted. I just hope he’s out there somewhere, safe and putting in the work on himself and letting his family support him the way he deserves. Because he really deserves that love. He deserves to be happy.” Matteo stopped, again, losing his breath just a little. He stared down at his hands by his side as they clenched at the comforter. He tried to keep going even though his throat was tight. “And I deserve to be happy too. I want David to be the thing that makes me happy because I know he is so, so good at that. But he just can’t be that right now. He left and I understand why. It just hurts so bad. And I don’t want to hurt anymore. Like, I know it will stop hurting someday, it has to. It’s just really hard to see how that’s possible some days when all this stuff feels so heavy.”  
  
Matteo’s words echoed out and the room fell silent. Consumed by the weight of it all, Matteo felt his mind sputtering towards fuzziness. But then Matteo felt Hans reposition himself on the bed and come a little closer. Then heard his voice.  
  
“King Matteo, I know I’m your personal assistant, so there is supposed to be a level of professionalism between us. But I have to tell you something personal. I’m gay too.”  
  
Matteo looked up at him, mouth opening and eyes widening in shock. “Really?”  
  
“Really. I’m gay and it is not something I ashamed off,” Hans said. As he continued calmly and confidently, Matteo drank in every word. “But I know how this kingdom and this royal world we live in works. I’ve always put my safety and career first because the dominate rhetoric in this elite Florenzian world is that gay people don’t belong. We don’t make sense, we aren’t normal, we must be deviants. They say we shouldn’t be proud, that we should keep our private lives private and not disturb people with our ‘alternative lifestyles.’ But I don’t have to tell you that. You know that just as well as I do. Maybe even more. I can’t imagine how challenging it has been for you growing up as the prince of Florenzia, knowing you were gay, coming to terms with that in the midst of this landscape of ‘don’t ask don’t tell,’ of homophobia based on nothing but intolerance and hatred. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to become king of a kingdom who has yet to scrub King Lawrence’s decree denouncing the queer community from the record. To have those terribly harmful words come from your grandfather? I can’t imagine the pain you have been through, Matteo. I am so, so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this and deal with it alone, no less.”  
  
Matteo felt speechless, but somehow, without even knowing it, he choked out a simple, “yeah.” Only when he heard his voice out loud did he realize how shaky he felt, how his eyes were just the slightest bit wet, how he couldn’t get a full breath.  
  
“But you aren’t alone anymore, Matteo,” Hans said. He scooted even closer to him on the bed and Matteo dared to look up at him. There in front of him was a loving look and an extended hand from Hans. “We are in this together from now on, okay?”  
  
He nodded as he reached out and took Hans’ hand. He gently clasped onto Matteo’s palm and Matteo felt an overwhelming wave of relief and comfort wash over him. _And solidarity. We’ve been through the same thing. Damn, I sort of forgot how much time and energy and work I’ve been putting into my sexuality. It’s been my whole life. It’s so exhausting. But I’m not the only one._  
  
“But, Matteo, I’m not just telling you this because I want you to understand that you aren’t alone. There is so much more to this story than pain,” Hans said. “When I first heard that you and David had gotten together, my heart broke for you, because I know how hard this life can be. But then, I remembered that it doesn’t stop at being hard. I know right now, it can be hard to see how this can be anything other than painful. But it is so, so possible for this life— this queer life— to be beautiful. I’m living proof. It was challenging, growing up at the academy, discovering myself, but having the hide. And some days, it still is hard when I have to wake up in the morning, and become ‘Straight Hans’ so I can survive my day at work without being fired or ostracized or even just ridiculed with weird looks and foolish questions. But, when I go home on my days off, I get to live my life. I get to be myself, and it is beautiful. I didn’t have to hold anything back. I am 100% me. I get to spend time with my community. I have so many queer friends. We have meals together. We party and dance. We help each other plan date nights surprises for anniversaries. We set each other up and then regale each other with the tales of dates gone awry or love at first sight moments. We have stupid debates about whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not, and it brings us closer every time. We defend each other and support each other through the shitty times. We bitch and rant about everything we go through, long hours at work and gut-wrenching breakups and cabbage plants that won’t grow. It is all that just as much as the homophobia and transphobia. Sometimes we don’t even talk about that. We just live our lives. I mean, Matteo, when we get together, it is all love, support, and acceptance. It’s fun. It’s touching. It’s people that have fought so hard to be themselves who are living their best lives together. It’s sensational to be a part of it. It is so freeing. And so is romance, being in love. I love my boyfriend with all my heart.”  
  
“You have a boyfriend?” Matteo asked without even realizing it. He didn’t want to interrupt Hans; his words were truly making Matteo’s heart glow with warmth and love. But maybe that was why he did ask. Tears in his eyes, he was so enamored by this life that Hans was telling him about that he just had to know more.  
  
“Yes, his name is Michi,” Hans said, a brilliant smile on his lips. “He makes me feel happy and like my life is full. When I am with him, I feel like myself and I feel like the world is on my side. It’s an amazing feeling.”  
  
“I know that feeling,” Matteo said, breathlessly.   
  
“I’m so glad, Matteo,” Hans said. “And that feeling doesn’t have to end. Even with heartbreak and challenges and intolerant people and hard times. You can live a full, long happy life as a queer person. It is so possible. But I do know it is more complicated for you as a person with a mental illness and as the king of Florenzia. I don’t know where you go from here. I don’t know where our community goes from here. But you, Matteo, you are going to get through this. You are going to be able to live the most beautiful life that is full of so much love. And I am going to help you get there, okay? If you want me to, that is.”  
  
“I do want you to. So much,” Matteo said. His voice cracked a bit as Hans squeezed his hand. “Thank you. For everything.”  
  
“Of course. Can I give you a hug?” Hans asked. Matteo noticed that Hans’ eyes were also a little wet.   
  
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Matteo said, smiling. Hans let go of his hand and pulled him in by the shoulders. Matteo leaned forward and fell into Hans’ hug. He let Hans squeeze him and sway just a bit as Matteo brought his arms up around Hans’ back.  
  
“Oh, I’m so happy we can be out to each other,” Hans said. “I’ve always wanted to be a gay guru!”  
  
Matteo shook his head as he pulled back from the hug. He was smiling and laughing when his eyes fell back on Hans’.  
  
“Oh my god, you guys,” Hanna said. Matteo looked over to her, confusion rippling through his body for a brief moment. He had genuinely forgotten she was with them, but there was, sitting on the bed and wiping her teary cheeks. “That was beautiful.”  
  
“Aww, Hanna,” Hans said. It wasn’t long before all three of them were looking around at each other, going from smiling face to smiling face, until they all started laughing together.  
  
Hans leaned over to give Hanna a happy side hug and Matteo felt the pools of tears in his eyes evaporating. He was feeling joy again, and he knew it. It wasn’t the joy of being understood by one person or the joy of being understood by yourself. It was the joy of knowing you have a community built up strong around you, a community of understanding and love, because isn’t love best conveyed in understanding?  
  
“I love you guys,” Matteo said. His voice was loud and he wasn't the slightest bit sorry for it. “I’m just, I’m just,” he stuttered out. He felt his eyes getting moist again as he lost track of his words and started flapping his hands just enough to feel like the joy stuck inside him could get out. “I’m just feeling a lot of things right now. Good things, like love and joy, and— fuck, I haven’t been feeling good things lately, so this feels kind of weird. But I, um, thank you guys for being there and understanding and everything. Ahh, please tell me to shut up if I’m being annoying.”  
  
“It’s okay, Matteo, you’re not being annoying,” Hanna said.  
  
“Express yourself however you need to,” Hans said. “It’s important to let this stuff out, the good, the bad, all of it.”  
  
“Right— parties and cabbage plants that won’t grow,” Matteo said. Then an epiphany hit him, and his voice got louder with excitement. “So that we aren’t islands! Like the people in Yogalla said! It’s all coming together, oh my god! Wait, you guys talked to Amira, right?”   
  
“Early this morning, yeah,” Hans said. “I’m really happy you found your answer. I imagine it feels really nice to be able to know so much about yourself, gay, mentally ill, all of it.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m super happy for you, too,” Hanna said. “I don’t quite understand everything, but I hope we can all work on understanding better together. Jonas too. He was with me when Amira came by last night. He heard a little bit, but she told him to leave a few minutes in because you want to do most of the talking with him. Which he said he understood, by the way. He wants to talk. And apologize, but you didn’t hear that from me.”  
  
“Good, good, yeah,” Matteo said, then he paused for a moment. “Sorry, that’s a lot to take in. I’m, um, what’s the word? Processing?”  
  
“No worries. Take your time,” Hanna said and Hans nodded in agreement.  
  
Matteo sat there, his hands slowing and resting on his knees as he took everything in, stored the important bits away in his memory, and thought his way to complete sentences. When he arrived at what he wanted to say, he tried to ignore the impulse to swallow the words he had worked so hard for. Swallowing them was habit, he figured.  
  
_But it’s not habit to actually try this hard to figure out what to say. I hardly ever get this far when I’m like this, overwhelmed and empty on words. But I guess that when people give me the time and space, I can find the words. David gave me the space. No, not now. This is about me. Me, who has the words. And who is going to say them. Even though they aren’t a direct response to what they were just telling me. Fuck, this is all wrong. But no, I don’t get to bring myself down like that. I’m done throwing punches at myself and ignoring what I think. This is what I think and I’m going to say it._  
  
“I want to tell people I’m gay,” Matteo said loudly. He pushed on, not even bothering to try comprehending the expressions on Hanna and Hans’ faces. “I don’t know what that looks like, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I want to be out and have queer friends and live that life you were telling me about with the parties and the cabbage plants. But I also want parties and cabbage plants for my mental illness. I don’t know if this makes any sense. But I wanna eat my whipped cream sandwiches and do that flappy thing with my hands when I feel happy and tell people about the stuff I’m experiencing—the good, the bad, all of it— so I’m not an island. And so, I can find someone else who knows what it feels like when the universe gets turned up to 200% and when you feel the smallest little speck trapped in a big dark cave that is swallowing you whole. I want to feel less alone and I want to figure this shit out. I want love and understanding and community and respect. Because it’s possible, it’s all possible. And I want it. For my mental illness. For my sexuality. For me. As a person. I want all of that. And I want a bath. No, I need one. Like, just five minutes ago I was so, like, happy and out of my head that I couldn’t feel it. But now I’m in my head and thinking and making words and I can feel every inch of my skin itching because I haven’t had a bath in days and I’ve been wearing these clothes since the day David and I kissed. But I don’t know how I am going to do it because baths aren’t easy for me, because of, like, mental illness stuff, I think. But I’m going to take one. I think I should try. Is that a good idea?”  
  
Matteo held his breath as he waited for someone to say something. After a moment of stunned silence that Matteo had to convince himself wasn’t laden with disgust, Hans spoke.  
  
“That sounds like a great idea,” he said. He sounded beyond supportive and he wore a proud smile. “All of it.”   
  
Matteo let out a deep breath as he straightened his back just a little more than usual. “Thank you. I just, I can’t go back to the old Matteo who stayed quiet and didn’t stand up for himself.”   
  
“Matteo, can I please give you a hug?” Hanna asked. “Then I’ll leave and let you take your bath, but I just really want to give you a hug.”  
  
Matteo didn’t look her in the eye because he knew he didn’t have to. He just got up from where he sat and crawled towards her with a smile on his lips. “I’d love a Hanna hug,” he said, then loosely fell into her. She rocked back a little bit but nonetheless wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “I owe you one from the other day anyways.”  
  
“Nonsenses,” Hanna muttered softly. “You don’t owe anyone anything.”  
  
“I owe myself a lot though,” Matteo said. He came out of their hug and sat up straight again. “I owe myself trying. Even if it is scary.”  
  
“You know, Matteo,” Hans said. “I think you are absolutely right about owing that to yourself, but you don’t have to push yourself too far, okay? I mean, I know more about being a gay guru than a mental illness guru, but I think you can take time here. If this bath is scary, something you don’t feel like you can handle yet, you don’t have to do it.”  
  
“Um,” Matteo said. He suddenly felt just a little dizzy, sitting up so tall without the support of the pillows and headboard behind him.  
  
“Not saying you shouldn’t do it,” Hans said quickly. “I’m learning at this. Sorry. Are you still there, Matteo?”  
  
“Yeah, I just, um,” Matteo said. He closed his eyes. _Start over. Just start over and try again._ He scooted back to gain the physical support he needed and opened his eyes. “I don’t know for sure if I can handle it. But I think I need to listen to myself and my body more. I am super in tune to my body, and sometimes that’s hell. That’s why baths are so hard. But sometimes, my body tells me things. It gets complicated because when I’m in a bad spot, my body doesn’t always tell me when I’m hungry or tired or dirty or whatever and sometimes it reads things in the world wrong. But when I’m in a good spot, my body is never wrong. It speaks to me; it’s honest and open and intuitive. It doesn’t hide things from me and it lets me be connected not just to myself, but to the world. Sometimes I don’t know whether to trust my body or not. Sometimes I don’t even let myself listen and follow it when I know to trust it. But, right now, I feel like I can trust it. I’ve been living in this super sensitive body my whole life, and I think I’m starting to figure out the, um, the nuance to it. I feel good, better than I have in days. It feels like it's time to trust my body, to listen to it, to follow what it is telling me.”  
  
“And what is it telling you?” Hanna asked.  
  
“That I need to take a bath,” Matteo said. “And so, I have to try. Even though I know it might be hard. I mean, I might fail. I might get in there and not be able to make it through the whole process because it’s all just too much. But at least I will have tried. And isn’t trying the most we can ever ask of ourselves? Putting ourselves out there, giving it our best shot, and being okay with whatever the results are. We have to try.”  
  
“Very well said, King Matteo,” Hans said, smiling.  
  
“Matteo. You can just call me Matteo,” he said. Hans gave him a nod and Matteo took the quiet moment to hear the faintest of rumbling in his stomach. “But, um, before I try to take a bath, I think my body is telling me that I should try eating at least part of that breakfast tray. And maybe while I eat, you can tell me more about your parties and cabbage plants. And Michi, that was his name, right?”  
  
“Yes, that’s his name,” Hans said, fondly. Matteo couldn’t tell if it was directed towards him or Michi but he didn’t care. Either way, it was beautiful to him.  
  
Hans quickly dove into the story of how he first met Michi as Hanna got up from the bed. She grabbed the tray, placed it in front of Matteo, and left the room with a warm “love you, have fun, good luck.” Matteo barely processed her words, though. He was too busy listening to Hans and revealing in the way he could feel the corners of his eyes crinkling from his smile.  
  
— — —  
  
After Mia and Carlos’ visit, David did not stop painting, but he did slow down enough to start eating and enjoying meals again. He still stayed up painting late into the night, but when he woke up the next morning to a note from Laura wishing him a good day, he simply smiled and ate a small breakfast before getting back to the images that were waiting patiently for him. He could feel himself approaching the end of the series of paintings he needed to paint, but he had no desire to stop.  
  
Even with his dedication, when he felt his stomach grumble around lunchtime, he had no problem setting down his brush and leaving the half-complete painting of the crew on the wall for the sake of making himself lunch. He knew cooking wasn’t exactly his forte, but he didn’t mind eating subpar meals as long as they gave him the nurturance to carry on with his life. He figured a broccoli crown from the garden with a side of nuts would be sufficient enough to get him through an afternoon of painting.  
  
He boiled a pot of water over the fire powered stove, chopped up the broccoli, and pushed it off the cutting board into the pot. Then, as the broccoli began to cook, he heard a knock at the door. He could feel something reminiscent of fear trickling up from his toes as he silently put the cutting board down on the counter. Then, he heard a familiar voice from the other side of the door.  
  
“We should really develop some kind of secret knock or something,” Leonie said. She was muffled, of course, but David could still hear the exasperation in her voice and it made him smile. “God knows this won’t be the last time we need it.”  
  
His smile fell at that comment, but he tried not to let that bother him. He wiped his slightly wet hands on the kitchen towel, pushed himself away from the counter, and went over to the door. He tried to focus on how excited he was to see Leonie. He had truly never been so ready to spill everything to anyone, and he could already feel the words bubbling up to clawing their way out.  
  
“Leonie!” he said as he opened the door. “It’s so good to see you! It’s been too long.”   
  
“And who’s fault is that?” Leonie asked. She raised her eyebrows at him as she walked in. David felt a little bit like he had just been smacked in the face. _I shouldn’t feel like that, though, this is how Leonie acts. I know how to deal with it._  
  
“Well, I mean,” David said. He closed the door and turned to look at Leonie who had managed to saunter all the way up to where his painting supplies were still strewn out on the drafting table. “You could have come to visit me sooner.”  
  
The words fit exactly how he usually dealt with this version of Leonie, but he didn’t like the way he sounded hurt, almost desperate. That tone gave away his unusual uneasiness, and it didn’t blend well with the way Leonie was staring him down with an expression very far south of compassion.  
  
“And you could have not gotten yourself into this whole fugitive situation,” she said. She crossed her arms over her chest as if there was no other way to stand.  
  
“Can we please not do this whole mural thing again?” David asked, exhausted. He took a deep breath, trying to refocus again. He walked away from the door, back to the kitchen to finish pulling together his lunch. “I’m glad I painted the mural. It jump-started a really amazing journey for me.”  
  
“I just, I mean, what’s your plan here? Stay in this house forever?” Leonie asked, irritated and demanding. She turned to follow him into the kitchen, but David tried to ignore her. He just opened a cabinet, searching for the tin of mixed nuts Laura had bought him. “David, are you listening to me? This is dangerous. Sara’s father came to my work this morning.”  
  
“What?” David asked. Stomach-churning and lungs empty, he turned around and saw Leonie staring at him with so much worry on her face. _She just cares, that’s why she is like this. Once we finish this part of the conversation, I’ll talk to her. Tell her everything._  
  
“Yeah, he asked if I knew anything about your whereabouts. I told him that you ran away from Clarence City,” Leonie said. Then, she pursed her lips and looked away, her voice turning from concerned to rancid. “Wasn’t that hard of a lie to sell.”  
  
David turned back around, placing his hands on the edge of the counter. He tried to manage his breathing, keep a steady heartbeat, and stop himself from shouting the thoughts in his lead. _“Fuck you, you know what, I don’t have to tell you anything if you are going to be so hostile.”  
  
It’s going to be fine. Don’t engage with that, and she won’t either. She drops the act after a while, you know that. She’ll still be tough and badass because that’s who she is and you wouldn’t have it any other way. But you are friends, so no matter what, she loves you and will always get to the point where she acts like it.  
  
There will come a day when she doesn’t get there, though. A day when she stops loving you, makes it clear that she never did—  
  
No, no, that’s not true. I have to trust her. _  
  
David let go of the counter and turned around to face her again, a fake-it-until-you make-it smile on his face. “Do you want anything to eat? We don’t have much, but—”  
  
“Yeah, and what’s going to happen to the food supply when your sudden lack of salary catches up with you?” Leonie asked haughtily. Fighting the fire in his stomach, David stepped away from the counter, grabbed a bowl, and went over the broccoli. He didn’t care that it wasn’t cooked all the way through. He needed to do something with his hands. Leonie just followed him. “Still haven’t heard that plan, David.”  
  
“I don’t have a plan and I’d really appreciate it if you would stop making assumptions about my situation here,” David said. The words felt tight coming out of his lips as he turned off the stove and grabbed the handle of the pot. It was a little hot to the touch, but it felt right in his hand. “I’m just trying—”  
  
“To ruin your life? Because unless you can figure something out here—”  
  
David spun around, the boiling water sloshing up the sides of the pot, and raised his voice like he hoped he wouldn’t. “Don’t you get that it doesn’t take effort for me to ruin my life?”  
  
“Yes! Exactly! How is just staying in this house and painting going to fix anything!” Leonie shouted back. She flung an arm out in gesture to the half-finished painting on the wall and David felt heat swarm his body. “You need to—”  
  
“No, you need to shut up!” David shouted. He could barely even feel the burning in his cheeks or the pot handle in his hand because his mind was overtaken with a defensive anger. “You don’t know anything about this or me or what I’ve been going through!”  
  
“Because you never talk to me!” Leonie shouted.  
  
“That’s what I’m trying to do!” David yelled. He swung his arms back in frustration, his whole body seething and his mind ready with so many combative words. But all those words disappeared and the world slowed when he heard Leonie shriek and jump back. He looked down in shock; the boiling water and the half-cooked broccoli poured out of the pot and down to the ground between them in a cascading disaster. Unsure if the heat on his shin was from anger, self-loathing, or boiling water, he jumped back and dropped the pot from his hand. “Fuck!”  
  
“Shit, David,” Leonie said. The pot clanked down on the ground, landing with a piping hot splash.   
  
“Shit, shit, I didn’t mean to do that, shit,” David said. He brought a hand up to his forehead, clenching his eyes shut to avoid the chaos he had created. He could feel the heat radiating from both the mess on the ground and the shame in his chest. “I’m sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry.”  
  
“It’s okay, let’s just clean it up,” Leonie said. She sounded a little out of breath as she kneeled down to the puddle of hot water and broccoli.  
  
He watched as she reached out to grab a hot piece of broccoli and couldn’t help but feel utterly guilty. _She doesn’t have to do this shit for me. It’s my fault. This was a bad idea._  
  
“I think, um,” David said, voice shaky. He dropped down to the ground, ready to handle the mess himself. “I think you should go.”   
  
“Wait, no, David,” Leonie said. She looked up at him, serious and apologetic. “You said you wanted to talk. Let’s talk. I’ll promise to be nice if you promise not to push me away, okay?”  
  
“I’m, I’m” David said. He felt his body fighting between diving in and running away. “Getting a towel.”  
  
He got up from the floor and with stiff steps, walked over to the counter. Leonie, though, was unrelenting.  
  
“David, look, I’m sorry. I’m not good at this,” she said. “We don’t have real conversations about our lives that often. But we need one right now. So, let’s have one. I’m also just, you know, worried about you. This whole situation is stressful and it’s hard to handle. I want things to work out for you because I love you, but I don’t even know how to be around you right now. Your stubborn ass goes and gets arrested, then comes back head over heels in love with the king. And then Carlos is telling me that you let Mia into the revolution with only, like, 50% hesitation. And you getting upset because I was accidentally blocking us from having a real conversation? I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”  
  
“But you do, Leonie,” David said. The realization hit him deep in the gut as he spoke. As the words he needed to carry on queued up in his mind, he felt back on track. He grabbed the towel off the counter and walked back to her, calm and purposeful. “I’m who I was when I was younger, before all the shit went down. Or at least, that’s who I’m trying to be.”  
  
“So, you’re not even going to deny what I said about Matteo?” Leonie asked. She glanced up at David and he just sat down on the other side of the water.  
  
“No,” he said, composed and somber. He felt the gravity of the word as it escaped his lips, but he also felt a deep sense of contentment at the way Leonie stared at him like nothing had changed. “Why would I? You know it wasn’t an interrogation tactic.”  
  
Leonie nodded slowly, looking to the side, clearly thinking hard. Then she turned back to the puddle and started picking up broccoli again. “It’s noble that you didn’t want to out him.”  
  
“And I still don’t. So, don’t you dare tell a soul about this.” David said quick and authoritative. He felt the protective fire behind his eyes as he looked at Leonie. Even though the idea of protecting Matteo felt so profoundly right, he pushed it away as he leaned forward to start wiping up the water. “And I’m not going to talk more about Matteo, okay? Yes, we had a thing and yes, I am still very much hung up on him. But this isn’t about him.”  
  
“Then what is this about?”  
  
“Me,” David said. “Dealing with my shit for the first time in my life. Acknowledging that I have shit for the first time in my life. Because I do.”  
  
“I could have told you that,” Leonie said under her breath. David shot his eyes up to hers as she discarded a handful of broccoli off to the side. Her eyes landed on his and she sighed apologetically. “Sorry, go on.”   
  
“So, yeah, I’ve got a lot of shit,” David said. He diligently wiped up the water on the floor, and it both helped ground and distract him enough to be able to freely speak the words that had been waiting for an audience for a long time. “I’ve been through a lot, seen a lot of terrible things, and watched the world give me it’s worst. You’ve been there for all of it. I don’t need to tell you about it. You know. I know. It’s honestly all I know. How could I know any different? I was raised on this idea that the world is cruel and I’m not worthy of anything else. And I internalized that shit. I put up walls around my heart and pushed myself to the side. I became this ultra-defensive, strong version of myself who said, ‘if everything in my destiny is fated to turn bad, then I’m not even going to engage with it. I’m going to run from anything that feels good and push away the people who love me away and convince myself that good things truly aren’t possible and live life alone because that’s easier. I’m going to keep myself safe from any possible lose because I know how shitty that feels and I’m not doing it again.’”  
  
“You said that to yourself?” Leonie asked, grabbing a piece of broccoli and eying him carefully.  
  
“No, no, because I also kept myself at an arm’s length from myself,” David said. “I let this corrupt little voice in my head control me and make me into someone I don’t recognize. And, so I didn’t even realize it was happening. No real control, no self-awareness. I just looked for excuses to ignore myself and my reality, to push people away and avoid everything that didn’t fit into the version of myself that could survive, and even thrive, alone in this world.”  
  
“Excuses like the revolution?”  
  
“Yeah— wait, do you know where I’m going with this?” David asked, brow furrowing. He felt his hands heating up even though he was holding the soaking wet towel that was now more cold than hot. _Should have known Leonie would have intuited this stuff._  
  
“I’ve always thought the revolution was fantastic, very important work,” Leonie said slowly. “But you scare me when you say shit like, ‘I would happily die for this’ or ‘I am nothing if not this revolution.’”  
  
“I said that?” David asked, eyes widening. _How did I not intuit this stuff?_  
  
“On multiple occasions,” Leonie said, a faint smile on her lips.  
  
“Shit. Yeah, I dove in way too deep,” David said. He set the towel down next to him on the floor and leaned back, his weight on his palms. “I let the revolution be this mask for myself. ‘Act like the toughest guy in the world, chew out anyone who dares to challenge you, be willing to die for the cause, ignore everything else in your life because everything else in your life feels like pure shit.’ That’s what it feels like when people get taken right out from under your nose because the world is cruel. When people hate you for who you are, chastise you for your passions, tell you that you’re the lowest scum of the earth for like a million different reasons in a million different ways. When people stick around despite all of that and their lives are worse for it.”  
  
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Leonie asked. She looked up at him like he was out of his mind. “My life isn’t worse because you’re in it.”   
  
“Really?” David asked. He barely met her eyes as he berated himself with _I thought you learned that people loved you already. They’re going to stop loving you if you keep asking them questions like this. So, stupid of you to beg for praise._  
  
“Of course,” Leonie said. “I mean, sometimes, you’re an idiot or an annoying asshole—”  
  
“Exactly,” David said, leaning forward. He felt a disgusting satisfaction at the affirmation of his nasty thoughts. “I’m stubborn and I don’t listen and I push against you like a motherfucker.”  
  
“Hey, stop that. You don’t get to insult my best friend. That’s my job,” Leonie said fiercely. But then she looked down at the last piece of broccoli on the floor, and shyly picked it up. “But it’s also my job to remind you that the same spark within you that makes you all those things also makes you passionate and loyal and self-assured and perceptive and exactly the kind of person this world needs. Maybe I haven’t been doing a great job at that part of this whole best friend thing.”  
  
“No, it’s okay,” David said. He focused hard on catching her eyes and when she finally looked up at him, he continued with words he didn’t even realize he had. “Honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to accept that kind of love if you gave it to me. I would have just run farther in the other direction. I wasn’t ready. But I’m ready now.”  
  
“Okay, good,” Leonie said. She still sounded still a little shy, but David could feel the genuineness. “Because you’re pretty damn awesome and I love you.”  
  
David had heard her say those words countless times before, but he had never truly heard them until that moment. He knew that she was right; she loved him. And he knew that he was right; he was ready— ready and so excited to accept the love that had been there all along. Even if he felt a little stupid for not recognizing that love sooner.  
  
“I love you too,” David said. Leonie just looked at the pile of broccoli to her left. She huffed out a breath and grabbed the pile as she stood up. David’s eyes followed her as she walked away to put the broccoli in the trash bin under the sink. He thought for a moment, then something dawned on him that he, again, felt like he should have seen sooner. “Unless you aren’t ready to hear that. Because, I mean, we’ve got some of the same plot points in our backstories. And, I mean, you definitely have a stubborn streak and a judgmental streak and scare people away streak.”  
  
“Are you saying that I do the same shit as you?” Leonie asked. She dumped the broccoli in the trash and turned around as she closed the cabinet door. She brushed her hands off as she walked back over to David who turned around to face her. When he saw her, she was wearing a restrained smile. “With the walls and internalized oppression and stuff?”  
  
“Wait, you know about internalized oppression too?” David asked. He felt a little enchanted, but then he deflated when he thought it through. “Of course they taught you about it at that damn arts academy.”  
  
“Oh, no. They didn’t teach us about these sorts of things,” Leonie said. She held her head high as she reached down to grab the slightly dented pot from the ground. “I mean, they made me a black sheep for being the penniless lesbian from Karthik; why would they teach us anything about why oppression is wrong?”  
  
“Damn, say it louder,” David said, smiling as he watched her walk away again.   
  
She dropped the pot into the sink then turned around, sauntering back to David. “Carlos gave me a half-ass crash course yesterday. It was just good enough to make the light bulb go off in my head.”  
  
“Yeah, I had the same feeling when Mia told me about it,” David said. A soft smile grew on Leonie’s face as she reached him.  
  
“See,” she said. There was gentleness in her voice again as she knelt down in front of David. “We push against each other and call each other out and get angry and fight, but then we always come back to each other because we get it. Even if we don’t put words to it.”  
  
“But it’s nice to put words to it, isn’t it?” David asked. “Like, I don’t know, talking about this shit and letting people in feels pretty nice right now.”  
  
“Yeah, weird as it is, sometimes it doesn’t suck,” Leonie said. She tilted her head to the side and David could tell she was trying to suppress her smile. He was so thankful that she was failing miserably. “At least, it doesn’t suck when you’re with your people.”  
  
“Exactly. When you trust someone enough to let them in, amazing things happen,” David said earnestly. Then he heard himself. His jaw dropped and he felt deeply amazed. “Wow. Shit. Okay.”  
  
“Look at that growth!” Leonie called out, shoving at David’s shoulder.  
  
“You’re my people, Leonie,” David said immediately. He could feel his smile in his cheekbones as he reached out to pull her into a hug. “I love you and I don’t care if you’re ready or not. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too, Schreibner,” Leonie said. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him just tight enough for David to feel the tension in his shoulders easing away. But then Leonie’s voice turned slightly devious as she started to pull back. “And speaking of love…”  
  
“Leonie,” David whined. Something between a giggle and a groan escaped his lips as he pulled away from the hug and covered his face with both hands. He still felt tension-free, but the way his chest leapt and his skin tingled was the best kind of assault. A little weak in the spine, he scooted back to sit cross-legged against the kitchen cabinets as Leonie laughed softly.  
  
“I know you said you didn’t want to talk about him specifically, but I mean,” she said. David peaked between his fingers and saw Leonie coming over to sit next to him. “You can’t just not tell your best friend more about the fact that you finally had your first romantic experience.”  
  
“Fuck, it happened, it really happened,” David said. He dropped his hands to his lap in astonishment. He was flooded with happy memories and the overwhelming desire to spill every detail of his love life. _I have a love life._ “I had a real romance with someone and now I can sit on my kitchen floor and tell my best friend about it. Like, I—me, David Schreibner— have a first kiss story and an over-enthusiastic best friend who loves me and wants all the details and I actually want to give them to her because sharing the things that make me happy actually sounds appealing. It’s like I’m a real person or something.”  
  
“Damn straight, you’re a real person!” Leonie said, slapping his arm.  
  
“Not very straight though,” David said. He bit his lip and looked over to Leonie, but the moment they locked eyes, they both burst into laughter. Overcome with hearty laughs, they collapsed into each other. Their heads bonked together on accident, which just made them laugh harder. Then, Leonie settled her head on David’s shoulder and David brought a hand up to Leonie’s arm. He held on for dear life as he tried to get a solid breath and their laughs subsided. It was almost entirely silent by the time David said, “I kissed him. But only because he spent the whole day making sure no one would interrupt us again so we could have our first kiss in peace. And so, he came in and told me everything he had done. The passion and dedication was just pouring out of him and I just couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was like, ‘there you are.’ Then, he came up right to me and asked if we could finally kiss. So, I kissed him. I didn’t even have to think about it.”  
  
“Wow,” Leonie said. For once, she actually sounded impressed. “You not thinking, that says a lot.”  
  
“Well, I did have one thought before I kissed him,” David said. He felt the blush deepening on his cheeks, but he didn’t want to stop himself. “How amazing he is.”  
  
“Ugh, that’s disgustingly adorable,” she said, sweetly patronizing like only a best friend could.  
  
“I’m dead serious, Leonie. He’s amazing, the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” David said, losing himself in the beauty of it all. “He broke through all my walls. He made me feel so safe and heard. He treated me so good, like I mattered, like I was truly worth it, like I deserved all the love and joy in the universe. With him, the world wasn’t so dark, and even when it was, he made me feel like it would be okay. I mean, even now, I am this close to just saying, ‘fuck it, maybe the world isn’t made of pure shit and maybe things can work out.’ And I mean, I do trust him; I trusted him from the first day I met him. But, even still, I left him.” David felt his throat closing, but he kept going, trying to focus on his words and nothing else. “I had this incredible person in my life who saw through my BS and knew me better than I knew myself. Who showed me compassion and affection and who always knew just what to say and how to support me because he and I fit together. And he is so wise. He instills wisdom in me and he, he—”  
  
David sputtered to a stop as locked away memories of that very wisdom suddenly hit him.   
  
_“You’ll never be alone as long as you have your family. They’ll always be there for you.”  
  
“See, family. Like I said. You can trust them with your heart.”  
  
“Well, what am I supposed to do? Tell them everything? I can’t. I won’t.  
  
You know that you could though. What was that thing Matteo said?  
  
He didn’t say it.  
  
But you know him well enough to know that if he was standing right here with you, he would tell you that you can always trust your family. That you don’t have to keep secrets from them because they love you.” _  
  
David opened his mouth again, but nothing came out of him besides hot, little tears that dripped so slowly from the corner of his eyes that he could taste the salt in the back of his throat before he could feel the water sliding over his cheekbones.  
  
“What?” Leonie asked, concerned. She lifted her head from his shoulder and placed a gentle hand on his knee. “Why are you crying?”  
  
“I’m not crying, I just, fuck, okay, I’m crying,” David said. He huffed out a breath as he felt a tear escape down his jaw. He pulled his knees up to his chest, knocking Leonie’s hand away. He wrapped his arms around his legs and looked up to the ceiling as Leonie watched him carefully. “I just— that day I left him, the day we all met and stole the statue, I heard his voice in my head a few times. He was telling me things like, ‘you can trust your family’ ‘you should tell them things’ ‘they’ll love you no matter what.’”  
  
“And what’s wrong with that?” Leonie asked. David felt frustration growing between his ribs at the fact that Leonie didn’t get it, even though he knew he shouldn’t feel like that.  
  
“Those are all the things that I learned on my own this whole week!” David said, losing and gasping for breath as he continued. “If I had just listened to his voice and my head, I wouldn’t have had to go through all this. Why can’t I see things when I need to? See the love, the understanding, all of it! It’s so stupid! And, I mean, he should have been here to tell me those things for real. I should have let him. I self-sabotaged! All the crying and screaming and throwing sandwiches and fighting with the voice in my head and feeling like shit for being a revolutionary and painting and reminiscing and feeling and fighting against those things that make my guard go up and learning to let people like you in and realizing that people love me— if Matteo had been here with me, he would have just told me the truths I fought for all on my own. He could have made me believe them because he makes me believe in things! With him in my life making me a better person, I wouldn’t have been the idiot who is surrounded by love his whole life and doesn’t even see it, who is using shitty coping mechanisms and not understanding it, who doesn’t know how to see himself or trust the world or deal with things for real. I could have gotten there faster and easier!”  
  
“But you did get there! You’re here right now!” Leonie said. She scooted to sit in front of him and she put her hands on his strained arms. David bit his tongue in his mouth and looked to the side with his eyes half shut. “You fought through it on your own and you made this happen for yourself. You are the strongest person I know, David. Think about all that amazing growth that you made your way to because you let yourself go through it. You’ve done an amazing job here this week and I am so proud of you. You’re a fighter.”  
  
“But don’t you get it? I’m tired of fighting,” David said. He wasn’t even sure that he got it, though. The words that were coming out of his mouth weren’t words he had thought about or ruminated over for days. They were fresh. They were thoughts in the form of words taking flight before David was ready to let them leave the nest. It was all real, raw and above all else, deeply uncomfortable. “Fuck,” David said. He stood up from the floor and Leonie’s hands fell away. His legs shaking under him, he took a few steps out of the kitchen. “I can’t do this.”   
  
“Yes, you can!” Leonie said, loud and assertive. David could hear her scrambling up, but he kept his eyes closed and his shoulders tight as he faced away from her. “Turn back around and say what you need to say. Yell it, scream it, I don’t care. Push back. I can take it.”  
  
David clenched his fists against his side.  
  
_Listen to her.  
  
I can’t.  
  
Then listen to Matteo. _  
  
“I am so fucking stupid for leaving him!” David shouted. He turned around so quickly that the ground beneath his feet felt as hot as his burning face. “How could I do that to him? To myself!? I could have had him in my life, helping me realize things and pushing me and helping me grow and making me a better person and standing by my side. I could have done the same for him and he could have done it for me. How could I not have seen how beautiful our lives could have been together? How we could have changed each other for the better and changed the world for the better in the process? We could have supported each other and empowered each other and it would have been the most beautiful thing in the world! Something good! Something grand and amazing and perfect. In my life! Mine! He could have made my life better, taught me that my life could be better. But I didn’t let him!”  
  
“Then let him!” Leonie shouted back, walking up to him. “It’s not too late.”  
  
“But it is!” David shouted. “Because I ruined it! I fucked this up! We could have been happy, but I just had to go and fuck it up. It’s all my fault. I just had to go and let the oppression of the world creep into my head and make a fucking home there. If I had been stronger, less vulnerable, and not so fucking susceptible, this wouldn’t have happened. Like, how stupid do you have to be to get tricked into oppressing yourself? Perpetuating your own marginalization, doing all the hard work? This is ridiculous. I should have been stronger! Then I wouldn’t have broken my own heart and Matteo’s heart in one fell swoop. I’m just such a—”  
  
“Stop it!” Leonie shouted. “Stop saying that shit about yourself!”  
  
“You said to scream it out!” David said. His frustration with her inconsistency managed to distract him enough to calm down just enough to feel his arms as they hung out in the air, irritated.  
  
“Yeah, and you said you were ready for me to love you! Pointing out your bullshit is how I do that,” Leonie said sternly. David dropped his hands to his sides and managed to take a shallow breath. “So,” she said, then pointed firmly at his bed. “Sit your ass down and listen to me, Schreibner."  
  
David took in another breath and let it out. He was exhausted and she was so beyond right. “Okay,” he said. He turned around and walked over to his bed. Leonie followed him and as soon as he sat down on the edge, she stopped in front of him with her hands on her hips.  
  
“Okay, so, yes, you messed up leaving him. But everyone makes mistakes. And this one was not your fault. That impulse you have to blame it on yourself and your lack of strength? That’s just the internalized oppression again. That evil voice—” David opened his mouth, ready to protest, but Leonie caught him before he could even get his words out. “No, stop. Having that little voice in your head is not our fault. You didn’t let this happen. It happened to you. Just like it happens to basically everyone who has been marginalized and oppressed. This is not your fault. You’re not stupid or weak for struggling with internalized oppression. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Your character isn’t ruined. Your life isn’t ruined. And your life isn’t ruined because you left Matteo, either. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to figure this shit out together. Whatever that looks like. You just gotta tell me how to help you.”  
  
David knew she was right again. He could feel the logic of it all pulsating through his tired veins. But that didn’t feel like enough. His head still felt heavy and his vision of the future still looked clouded in an anguish that he so desperately wanted to escape from.   
  
He looked down at his hands in his lap, worried he would start crying again. “I feel like shit, Leonie.”  
  
“I know,” she said wistfully. She let out a sigh and sat down next David on the bed. He scooted over to give her more space and looked up to her, hope in his eyes. “But I think it’s just a part of the process. You have to give yourself time to really grow into everything. You’re going to backslide and you’re going to feel shitty and things might get worse before they get better. But if you can weather through it—which you can, because, I mean look at you. You’ve come too far to only come this far.”  
  
David sat up straight and let out a shaky breath as he looked out in front of him. “I want to keep going. Figure this stuff out. I really do. I’m just tired. And, and,” David said. He felt a restlessness in his legs as new thoughts dawned on him again. This time, though, he reached his hand over to Leonie and kept going when she put her hand in his. “I want to stop feeling like I have to be so strong. I hate feeling like I have to claw my way through life and be this perfect shell of a person that I don’t like. I don’t want to be a hero anymore, you know? I want to be a real person. I want to be me. Like, I know I can do this on my own, but I shouldn’t have to and I don’t want to anymore. I want to live this life with love in it. I want to give it to other people and to myself. I want to receive it. I want to accept the love I deserve. I want to live this life with family and friends and romance and community and support. I don’t want to be alone by my own design. I want to let people help me fight my battles and have someone to share the load with.”  
  
“I will do that with you,” Leonie said. David looked over to her, a soft and confident smile on his face, and she squeezed his hand. “We all will. This crew is a—”  
  
“A family. Yeah, I know that now,” David said, squeezing her hand back. “And I want that family to be there for me, so, I’m going to let them.”  
  
_And I want to let Matteo be there for me too. I want him in my life. I want to be in his. I just wish there was something that could make me actually believe it was possible, 100% possible._  
  
“Good,” Leonie said with a smile. “Just tell us what you need from us.”  
  
_There is something, isn’t there?_  
  
Peace washed over him as the realization dawned on him. He knew what he had to do. A satisfied, determined smile grew on his face and he looked over to Leonie. 

“I need you all here tomorrow at lunchtime. We are all going to figure this out. Together.”  
  
— — —  
  
Matteo laughed with Hans at the antics he and Michi had gotten into on their first date and smiled big at how shy Hans got when Matteo asked if he and Michi wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. A small part of Matteo ached from thinking about how he would never get to blush at the mention of his future with David, but he didn’t let himself go there. He had food to eat; oatmeal sprinkled with cinnamon that went down easy, bacon with fatty bits that slid between his teeth in a way that made him want to scream, and green grapes that filled his mouth with a refreshing sweetness.  
  
As Matteo popped his third grape into his mouth, he noticed a strange look on Hans’ face as he lulled into silence. “What?” Matteo asked.  
  
“I just wanted to ask you,” Hans started. “If I could stay up here while you take your bath. Just in your room. In case you need help.”  
  
“Oh,” Matteo said. The chewed grape flesh in his mouth turned sour, and a bit of the skin got caught in his teeth as he swallowed. Imagines of lockless doors, fireless fireplaces, and secret winter homes in the woods flashed across his mind.  
  
“It’s not because I don’t trust you. It’s because I don’t want you to have to do something like this alone,” Hans said. Matteo looked up at him and made accidental eye contact, but he didn’t look away. The sheer amount of understanding and care he saw in Hans’ eyes was exactly what he needed. “We’ve got you, Matteo.”  
  
“Okay. You can stay up here” Matteo said. He melted into a smile as he sat up straight. As his spine aligned, one vertebra on top of another, and his head tilted back ever so slightly and took in a deep breath. _Try._ “I’m ready.”   
  
He looked back down to see Hans smiling and nodding. Matteo was pretty sure Hans said something encouraging to him, but he didn’t quite catch it. He was too focused on pushing the comforter off his outstretched legs, and turning so he was posed to stand up.  
  
He looked out at the rug, ready to feel his bare feet crushing into the plush carpet, the threads poking between his toes and softly supporting his feet as he walked across the surface. He feared the breadth of complicated sensations ahead of him, but the rug called out to him just as strongly as loud noises and bright lights made him want to disappear. So, he put his feet on the ground and stood up.  
  
He felt a little light-headed, as he straightened his back and felt his knees bending just a bit to support his weight, but he couldn’t ignore the way his chest swelled with pride.  
  
Walking wasn’t hard, but the transition to the cold tile of the bathroom sent unwelcomed chills up his arms. He let out a shaky breath as he took a few quick, head-spinning steps to reach the bath mat that ran long and flush against the bathroom counter. He dropped to sit there with his knees pressed up against his chest.  
  
_It’s okay to take my time. It’s okay to take my time. Fuck, just get over it. No, it’s okay to take my time. No, I can’t do this. It’s okay to take my time. I can make it. Just across the bathroom to the other bath mat in front of the tub. It’s simple. No, it’s not. Just breathe. It’s okay to—_  
  
“Do you need clean clothes for after, Matteo?” Hans asked. His kind voice from the bedroom took Matteo away from his spiraling thoughts.  
  
“Um, yeah,” Matteo said. His voice sounded a little scratchy because his throat was closing up just the tiniest bit. “And, um, shoes too, please.”  
  
It wasn’t long before Hans carefully poked his head into the bathroom and then walked in when he saw Matteo still fully clothed. “I didn’t know exactly what you wanted, so I brought a few options. I can put them on the console next to the tub, if you’d like.”  
  
“Okay, but I’ll take my shoes here,” Matteo said. Hans handed them to him and turned to walk to the tub. “And, um, you can start drawing the bath if you want to.”  
  
“Temperature?” he asked, setting down the clothes. _He sounds so calm. Like this is all normal. I guess it is normal. My normal._  
  
“Like, warm? Not hot. But, I don’t know,” Matteo said slowly. He stuffed his feet into his shoes and the familiar feeling of the soles consuming his feet immediately made him breathe easier. _Yeah, my normal. And I love my normal. There is nothing wrong with it._  
  
Shoes on and body calmer, Matteo stood and walked over to watch the tub fill with water that he hoped wouldn’t be his downfall.  
  
Matteo had never loved or hated baths. He had happy memories of his mother singing to him as she washed his hair and he splashed his hands against the top of the water, infatuated with the sensation. But he also had painful memories of burning hands as he dipped his fingers into scalding water that never seemed to cool down no matter how long he and his mother waited. There were also the painful memories of being too small to crawl out of the tub on his own, and of being big enough to escape, but feeling powerless against the soapy water that was leaving residue on his knees and haunting his nostrils. But even still, he had happy memories of letting the water consume his aching chest and soothe his worn-out muscles after long days of pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Matteo never knew what he was going to get with baths.  
  
When Hans turned off the water and encouraged Matteo to test the temperature, he held his breath and desperately hoped this bath would be kind to him. As soon as his tentative forefinger dipped into the surface of the water, he knew he had a fighting chance. The water was just warm enough to make him feel calm and Matteo couldn’t shake the tiny bit of excitement that came up from his toes.  
  
Even still, he was apprehensive and fearful above all else, so it took him a few moments of standing alone in the bathroom, breathing heavy, for him to take action. But eventually, he lifted his hand to the buttons of his shirt and got to work unfastening them.  
  
He felt cold for the first time in days, shedding layers that he had been wearing for far too long. But as he felt the cool air rushing to surround his bare skin, he felt like he was stripping away the confinements that were holding in all the turmoil within him. It felt oddly freeing in a way Matteo had not expected.  
  
He stood with it for a moment, but he knew he wasn’t only drinking in the freshness of his skin against the air. He knew he was trying to convince himself to trust the water that was waiting for him. His thoughts were swirling with concerns that felt all too valid but he knew were mostly irrational no matter how real they felt.   
  
Matteo wrapped his arms around his chest, hugging himself tightly as he let out a deep breath and heard one thought pierce through the others. _Just try._  
  
“Just try,” Matteo said out loud. His quiet voice startled him and scattered all the fear in his head. He dropped his arms to his side and turned to the tub.  
  
Without letting another thought pass through his head, he climbed in, the water splashing to the sides as it moved to accommodate Matteo’s body. The water came up to his chest, but Matteo still felt dangerously close to drowning as he settled his limbs and gasped for breath. It was so much; water coming at him from all directions. It was the right temperature, but there was just so much of it and there was nothing protecting him from the submersion that he was stuck in. He closed his eyes, afraid to move, and sat there, cross-legged in the water.  
  
He sat there like that until the water stopped feeling like an enemy, and started feeling just as supportive as the friend he knew was sitting on the other side of the cracked, lockless door. Matteo didn’t know how, but eventually, the water started to feel comforting, like it was making a home on his skin and holding him up despite his own internal desire to fall apart.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes as soon as it hit him; _I’m starting to feel a little clean._ It wasn’t perfect, but he could already feel a week of highs and lows and questions and answers and explosions of nothingness and earthquakes of confusing emotions washing away. He felt like everything was melting away, off of his body and into the water that surrounded him.  
  
Looking down at the water, he was looking at a swirling mix of everything good and bad in his life— the pain that he was washing away and the support that was helping him cleanse himself of all that pain. There was no way to see the difference between them as they blended together in the water. _Until I start using the soap._  
  
That was enough to motivate Matteo to reach behind him and grab the bar of faintly purple soap resting in a golden tray on the side of the tub. He diligently got to work scrubbing the soap on his arms, his chest, his legs; everything. With every pass of the soap, his hands sudsing with bubbles and the room filling with the delicate smell of lavender, Mateo’s smile grew more genuine and he felt lighter. He felt infinitely lighter by the time his whole body was clean and the tub was full of soapy runoff swirling in white spirals and bubbles dancing around Matteo’s body.  
  
Now, looking down, he could see the difference between his past and his future. The crystal-clear water of his future did not make him want to plunge his head underwater.  
  
He did, though, fill a small golden basin with fresh water and dump it over his head after he washed his hair. It had felt great threading his soapy fingers through each string of his hair, but it felt even better shutting his eyes tight and feeling water cascade over his head again and again until the water that fell down his chest was void of all soap. He did it a few more times than necessary, but he couldn’t stop himself. It had taken a while for him to grow comfortable with the water, with the soap and with the feeling of sitting there with his bare skin against the bottom of the tub, but he had grown comfortable and he never wanted to leave.  
  
He never wanted to stop splashing his hands on the top of the water. He loved the way his hands felt as they barely ghosted over the water as he pressed down gently. The water spreading out underneath his palm as it resisted his touch just enough for the phenomenon to be deeply satisfying and overwhelmingly repeatable.  
  
Eventually, though, he could feel his fingers and toes pruning as the water cooled to a temperature that sparked a shiver across Matteo’s unsubmerged shoulders. But even then, he didn’t get out. He wanted to. But he didn’t know if he could. The nearly cold water wasn’t pleasant, but Matteo knew what was waiting for him on the other side of the tub— cold air covering every inch of his bare skin as water dripped down his legs and curled around his hips; the nicest towels in all of the kingdom still not soft enough as he wrapped the scratchy fabric across his body and shuddered at the sound of the towel against his fingernails; water from his hair dripping down into his eyes; his wet feet making cold, nasty imprints on the bath mat. It was terrifying.  
  
So, he sat there in the water, bringing his knees to his chest. He let his knees get acquainted with the air, attempting to ease himself through the transition. _Just try, it worked last time, just try, it worked last time, trust it, take time, it’s okay, just try, it worked last time, it will work again._  
  
After countless unruly repetitions of those same mantras, Matteo placed his hands on the sides of the tub and rose to stand.  
  
He felt unsteady, standing there in the water. He suddenly remembered he was doing it wrong. He quickly sat back down, so fast that he almost fell. He bit his lip in pain as he thudded back onto the hard base of the tub.  
  
“Are you okay in there, Matteo?” Hans asked, concerned.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo called out. “Just, um, trying to get out. But I, um, don’t need help, just need to drain the tub first.”  
  
Matteo pulled the plug out of the drain and stared at it intensely as the water spiraled down and left his body. _This is the way to ease out of this._  
  
With every inch of his body that lost its blanket of water, he felt cold and raw, but by the time the next inch lost its cover, he had nearly recovered from the inch before. It went on like this until the bottom of the tub was only wet with the water dripping off of his body.  
  
He grabbed the sides of the tub again, still a bit unstable but much less overwhelmed because the air only felt like a slight betrayal to his skin.  
  
The towel that hung above the console where his clothes waited did feel like a betrayal as Matteo wrapped it around his body. It was supposed to bring him comfort, warm him up and dry him off, but all Matteo could do was close his eyes and sink to the ground. He sat perched upon his legs, the towel stagnant around his body. It felt less like an adversary like that, but it still tittered on the edge of excruciating. Matteo, though, was afraid to move it off his body for fear of hearing those towel noises that he could never convince people were real.  
  
But just like he had been doing all night, he told himself that all he had to do for himself was try and then he did. He removed the towel, dropping it to the tile next to him. Then, he sat. He sat still and quiet and comfortably exposed to the world of the bathroom around him. With his head tilted back and his eyes closed, he waited until he felt dry enough to put his clothes on.  
  
He was still a bit damp, and his hair was still dripping every which way, but when he pulled on a brown tunic that he knew was soft and perfect for sleeping, his body was happy to have clothes on again. As he continued to get dressed, shoes and all, he caught himself yawning deeper than he had in days. This time, he wasn’t just exhausted from staying in bed, from trying to socialize and from the integral part of himself that zapped his energy. He was tired because he had stayed up all night reading and had spent the bulk of the day pushing himself just enough to be able to take a bath. The sun hadn’t even started setting yet, but as he started walking, he knew that he was going to sleep so well the moment he fell into bed.  
  
It had been hours since Matteo had started, but Hans was still there when he emerged from the bathroom. Matteo didn’t really process the smile on Hans’ lips or the gentle laugh at how wet Matteo’s hair was. He did process their brief conversation enough to say yes when Hans offered to towel dry his hair for him. He was too tired to mind the close proximity and the feeling of the towel occasionally brushing against his forehead. He just sat on the edge of his bed and whispered the most genuine “thank you” he could muster as Hans stepped away. Without Matteo even having to ask, Hans turned off the lights and spoke a quiet “sweet dreams, butterfly” that Matteo barely heard as his head hit his pillow.  
  
He fell right asleep and stayed asleep all day and all night, until he woke up to the rising sun and the feeling of being brand new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> See you next week for Chapter 16…title TBD :)


	16. Ready To Shine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> This chapter is the longest yet, so I do want to get into it, but I have one quick disclaimer that I keep forgetting to include in the notes. 
> 
> In this fic, when Matteo refers to his mental illness, he is referring to autism spectrum disorder and depression. He lumps them together under this label because of the knowledge he currently has. But it’s important to note that autism is not actually a mental illness; it is a developmental disability. This is an important distinction to make in the real world, so I just wanted to make this clear since Matteo/this universe hasn’t reached a point where that distinction can be made/understood. If you can any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out! 
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love to you all and happy reading!

After spending a long, life-giving afternoon with Leonie, David had been able to finish his painting of the crew while Laura made dinner. That was all he painted, though, because an evening hanging out with his sister seemed somehow more appealing. He didn’t even mind sleeping in the next morning and waking up to Laura sipping coffee across the house since it was her day off. With the crew due over at their house not long after David rolled out of bed, there wasn’t much time to paint and it felt right to leave off on a painting of the crew.   
  
As he cleaned up his painting supplies and Laura prepared lunch, David wondered if the content and settled feeling in his stomach meant he’d reached a point where he was ready to move on from depending on his paints for forward motion.  
  
As the house filled up with the crew— Leonie arriving with news of two new recruits, Abdi and Carlos giving big hugs as they came through the door, Linn sparking up an insightful debate over knife sharpening techniques with David who knew nothing about the subject, and Laura dancing a bit in the kitchen as she put lunch in the oven and came over to sit at the table with everyone— it was overwhelmingly clear that David had moved on to depending on his people over his paints.  
  
David glanced up at Laura as she sat down next to him, then he looked across the table at Leonie. She was already eyeing him with that mix of pushiness and supportiveness that he needed from her. He sent her a smirkish smile, then cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention. “Thank you all for coming today.”  
  
“Of course, man,” Carlos said. He turned to look at David from his seat next to Leonie. “This is what we do.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m glad we are getting to hang out,” Abdi said. He shifted in his chair, away from Carlos and towards David. “So, what’s up, man? Looks like you’ve got something on your mind.”  
  
“I, um, I do,” David said. He looked down at his lap, shy for a brief moment. _Yeah, something on my mind and his name is Matteo._ David huffed out a small laugh and looked up, determination coming just as strongly as his blush. “I need your help with something that is really important to me.”  
  
“Anything, man,” Carlos said, face getting serious.   
  
“Yeah,” Abdi said. “What’s up?”  
  
David scanned his eyes around the table, seeking supportive glances from Leonie and Laura, which he got. He also saw Linn’s slightly curious face as she looked up from the block of wood she had just started whittling. David turned his eyes back to Abdi and Carlos and leaned forward in his chair.   
  
“Do you all remember how I told you that I developed romantic feelings for Matteo— King Matteo? But that they weren’t mutual and that I was over them?” David asked. He saw the subtlest of nods from everyone as he stifled a smile and took a deep breath. “Well, that last bit was a lie. The feelings were most definitely mutual and I am the farthest thing from over Matteo.”  
  
David leaned back in his chair, looking out at the mix of proud and stunned faces surrounding him.  
  
“What? Oh my god!” Abdi exclaimed. “For real?”  
  
“For real,” David said. He couldn’t hide his smile anymore. It bloomed on his face and pride swelled in his chest.  
  
“Wait, so,” Carlos said. He scooted forward in his chair and pointed a finger at the table as he processed. “You and him were actually together? Like it wasn’t an interrogation tactic on his end?”  
  
“Yeah, we were really together,” David said. “No interrogation. I fell head over heels for Matteo, the King of Florenzia, and he fell for me just the same.”  
  
“Damn, wow, okay,” Carlos said. He leaned back and looked up to the ceiling for a moment. “So, if you were together does that mean you actually—”  
  
“We acted on those feelings, yes,” David said. He felt a little embarrassment and guilt in the pit of the stomach, which made him feel like a restless flame. “But I won’t go into detail. Those details are for me and him and no one else. But we definitely got to know each other really well and spent some amazing time together. But that’s all I’ll say.”  
  
It was silent for a moment, David’s face severely serious as he looked out, waiting for his body to calm down and his mind to find a way to clear the heaviness settling on his clothes.  
  
But he didn’t have to find his way there because, with a huge grin on his face, Abdi leaned forward and affectionately slapped David’s shoulder. “You had a thing with the king, man! That’s awesome! Stop frowning like that!”  
  
The heaviness vanished, and David’s smile caught in his teeth as he blushed down to his lap. “Yeah, I did. And it was pretty awesome. I really, really, really like him.”  
  
“Wait, Leonie, why aren’t you freaking?” Carlos asked suddenly. “Did you know?”  
  
“Obviously,” Leonie said, just a bit haughty. David warmly rolled his eyes as he shook his head.  
  
“And for the record,” David said, trying to take back the reins. “Laura knows too. She was here when Matteo came after me the day I left him.”  
  
“The king has been here? In this house?” Carlos asked. He sounded absolutely dumbfounded as he looked around and back to David with eyebrows raised.  
  
Abdi promptly turned back to Carlos and slapped his arm. “That’s not the important part, man.” He turned back to David and looked at him with big, sad eyes. “David, why did you leave him? You said you were head over heels for each other. I mean, I know how you feel about the monarchy, but if I was sleeping with someone I liked that much, I wouldn’t want to give that up.”  
  
“Okay, first of all,” David said. He scooted forward in his chair as his mind fought over what to start with. He had so many thoughts, so many red flags waving in his head. “I never said I was sleeping with him, just that we had a thing. Second of all, I didn’t want to leave him. And, trust me, I will explain everything, but you all have to promise me one very important thing first, okay?”  
  
David felt Laura’s hand on his. It was only then that he realized he was clenching his fist on the table and his cheeks were hot. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to let that defensive wave settle into something productive, not seething.  
  
“Sure, what is it?” Carlos asked. His voice was calm and accepting. That, the nods he caught as he opened his eyes and the way Laura’s hand stayed on his soothed him enough to be able to take a full breath and speak the words he had practiced in his mind for this very moment.  
  
“Look, part of the reason I originally didn’t tell you guys the truth about me and Matteo was that I was ashamed and scared and trying to deny how I really felt about him. But it was also because the last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, and so outing him makes me want to claw my eyes out,” David said. He felt guilt eroding the walls of his stomach, but he tried to focus on doing what he needed to do for himself and doing it in the best way possible. “But I just, I really need my family right now,” he said. “And so, I am here to tell you my side of the story and my side only. I’m not going to answer your questions about Matteo’s sexuality. I’m not going to tell you his personal, private information. I’m not going to break his confidence. I have to respect his privacy and agency. So, I’m going to do my best to have this conversation about myself and my life without compromising those things for him. But that’s impossible because now you all know that he had a relationship with a guy. But that’s all you’re going to know about him. And you all have to swear on your life that you will never, ever tell any of this to a single person. Ever. Okay?”  
  
David didn’t care that his cheeks were hot again. He had no shame as he looked everyone in the eye, defensive daggers present in every glare.  
  
“Of course,” Laura said. She squeezed his hand and he looked over to her, his scowl cooling. “This secret is safe with us.”  
  
“100%, man,” Carlos said. David snapped his head to look at him and he couldn’t help but soften as Carlos continued. “Thank you for trusting us with your side of the story and with that one little detail about King Matteo that will not leave this house.”  
  
“Absolutely,” Abdi said seriously. “My lips are sealed.”  
  
“Mine too,” Linn said.  
  
“You already know that I would never do that to him,” Leonie said. She crossed her arms on the table and nodded as she spoke sincerely. “To anyone, but especially not someone who means so much to you. Even if he is the king.”  
  
“Thank you, guys,” David said. He was still full to the brim with the desire to protect Matteo, but it sat in tandem with a trust that he had never been more thankful for.  
  
“So, um, not to push, but why did you leave him?” Abdi asked carefully. He shrugged his shoulders smally as David turned to look at him. “I mean, your eyes light up when you talk about him and you clearly really care for him, so why aren’t you there with him right now?”  
  
“Yeah, we just want to understand so we can help,” Carlos said.  
  
David melted. If he hadn’t been around so many people, he thought his eyes might have misted over. _But then again, if I wasn’t surrounded by these people, I wouldn’t be able to cry happy tears in the first place._  
  
“I love you, guys,” he said, earnestly.  
  
“Wait a minute,” Laura said dubiously. She lifted her hand from David’s and he looked over to her as she pieced it together. “Did you call this crew meeting so that we could all help you figure out how to get back together with Matteo?”  
  
David’s fond smile shifted into a devious smirk as he chuckled. “That’s part of it, yeah.”  
  
Laura just rolled her eyes, smiled, and shoved at David’s face as they both laughed. David loved feeling like the conniving, lovesick little brother for once. He really hoped it wouldn’t be the last time.  
  
“I love that!” Abdi called out. Still laughing and feeling warm inside, David glanced over to him as he got excited with his hand gestures and loud voice. “The revolutionary crew takes a break from bringing down the monarchy to save the day with the power of love!”  
  
David smiled at Abdi, but Leonie threw a glare in his direction. “But we are never going to get to do that if you don’t shut up and let the guy explain the situation to us.”  
  
She glanced back at David, and all eyes fell on him. He took another deep breath, sat up straight in his chair, and continued just as he had planned.  
  
“From the moment I met Matteo, I knew there was something between us. It was undeniable. But I tried really hard to deny it. And I did until I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I just had to give in. And truly, in those moments we shared, there was nothing else I would have rather done than give in and just be with him. He made me feel like that, like anything was possible, and like crashing into him was the best idea there ever could be. So, that’s exactly what I did. But even when we got together, there was this evil little voice in my head that was pulling me away from him. And I let it get the best of me. How could I not have listened to it when it said to run? My whole life I have been building up myself to be invincible and impenetrable, to be a person without love and connection and happiness. I didn’t think those things were truly possible for me, not without terrible consequences, so better to just not have the music boxes in the first place.”  
  
“Music boxes?” Carlos asked.  
  
“Fuck, sorry, that’s a metaphor,” David said, bring a hand to his forehead. He hadn’t meant to call them that, something that was so personal to Matteo. But he listened to the beat of his heart and focused on his breathing, in and out. “I just mean,” David said, lowering his arm and steading his voice around confidence again. “I left Matteo because for a very long time, I have been disallowing myself good things. I never thought they were possible for me. I didn’t think that I was capable of them, even worthy of them. I spiraled myself down to a place where I couldn’t even see that I did have good things in my life. I think that a lot of it comes from the trauma I have been through and the oppression I have faced— it all taught me that goodness wasn’t in the cards for me and I believed the lesson. And since I believed it, I made myself into a shell of a person who didn’t need good things to survive. I lost myself, I pushed people away, I put up walls, I ran from anything that felt good.”  
  
“But I thought you run from hard things?” Abdi asked. “That’s what Leonie said the other day.”  
  
“Well, I do that too,” David said, scooting forward in his chair. “I run right towards things that are going to make it easier for me to engage with those negative ways of coping. I look for things that can help me mask my own need for human connection and my own pain, things that give me an excuse to push people away or run from things I want but don’t think I can or should have. The revolution is actually one of the ways I do that. Like, for example, with Matteo, I spent a lot of time blaming my inability to truly be with him on the revolution. And it’s not like it's exactly safe and totally chill for queer revolutionaries of color to date kings, but my reason for leaving him goes far beyond that. The truth of it is that I have a distrust in myself, my future, and this world. A disbelief that things will ever be okay. And I want to change all of that. I want to engage with this truly important and meaningful revolution in a healthy way. I want to get back to who I was before I let these bad coping mechanisms set in and take over my life. I want to find myself and I want to take in the love that has always been there. And I want to have the belief and trust and inner peace that I need to be able to hold on to Matteo. And not just Matteo. All of us, together. It took me a lot of work to get here, but I can honestly say that I see the good things in my life. And those good things are all of you. So, thank you. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize you all loved me like this and I’m sorry that I probably haven’t been returning it as well as I could. But I’m done with all of that. I have you all and I’m not letting go. I’m going to love you all so hard— you aren’t even ready for it. And I want you guys to love me just as hard. I’m not going to run in the other direction. I’m going to stay.”  
  
David stopped, finally taking in a deep breath as he looked out at his crew— his family. They all looked back at him with proud, loving expressions that David wanted to remember forever. _I’ll have to paint this moment next time I feel called to paint._  
  
“Okay, that’s it,” Abdi said. He slammed his hands on the table and stood up. “We need a group hug.”  
  
David broke out into a big grin, and pushed himself out of his chair. All around him, everyone did the same as a chorus of “we’re really doing this, aren’t we?” and “you guys are the only people I’d ever hug” and “oh come on, hugs are great” and “hugs like this definitely are” rang out through the room. David just listened with his lips turned up and his eyes gently shut. He felt arms curling around him, foreheads pushing onto his and the warmth of connection surrounding him from all sides. He was safe, he was loved and he was so beyond grateful.   
  
“I’m so happy I have you all in my life,” David said, sniffling a little as he held back tears. “You guys are the best.”  
  
“Eh, I guess the feeling is mutual,” Leonie said sarcastically. Everyone erupted in laughter and started stepping away from the hug, untangling arms and moving hair out faces. Once David was free, he lunged forward and captured Leonie in his arms, squeezing her tight as she squealed in protest, but squeezed him back just as hard. “Okay, fine, I love you like a whole fucking lot.”  
  
“Good,” David said, planting a kiss on top of her head.  
  
“Yeah, man, we all do,” Carlos said, putting a hand on David’s shoulder. “It has been so awesome becoming your brother this year, and I’m so happy you are really coming into yourself. Thanks for letting us into the inner world of David Schreibner.”  
  
“Thank you for wanting to come in. All of you,” David said. He looked out at everyone as they stood around him. “Thank you for being kind and supportive and waiting for me to put the pieces together. I’ve learned that it really is a process. Making mistakes, mourning them, then learning from them. Discovering why you made them in the first place and working your ass off to not make them again. Not beating yourself up if you do— just getting back up and trying again. Finding people who will let you live out that process and people who you want to support as they do the same.”  
  
“That’s really beautiful, David,” Laura said. She reached out for Linn, who put an arm around Laura’s back, and David smiled affectionately at them.  
  
“It is, but should we get to the ‘working your ass off to make sure mistakes don’t happen again’ part?” Leonie asked.   
  
“Yes, let’s do it,” David said. He and Leonie let go of each other and walked back over to the table. David bypassed the chair he had been sitting in, instead opting to sit on the edge of the table with his feet in the chair. He looked out at the crew that was still hovering around the area between the dining room and the kitchen. “Okay, so here’s the deal,” David said, just as he had planned. “I want to get back together with Matteo. And I know I said I wasn’t going to talk much about him, but I just need you guys to understand how much he means to me. He is just such an amazing person and I want him in my life. He is wise and kind and o full of hope. He has this light within him that is just waiting to get out. And the power with him to change the world a million times over if he could only see it within himself. But I see it in him; I always have and I always will. When I look into his eyes, things just make sense. And, god, his eyes are amazing. They are blue and so gorgeous and, fuck, I will never forget the way he lit up my life and made me feel so loved like never before. He just broke through every wall with his gentle energy and his soft voice and the way he looks at me like anything is possible and like I hold the power to design my own destiny. Like we both have the power to do anything we desire. Like maybe what we desire isn’t actually impossible, maybe it was our density all along, no rewriting necessary. And even if we have to rewrite the whole world to be together, when he’s in my arms, that feels possible. Inevitable, even. It is beautiful and cosmic and letting him go was the worst mistake of my life. So, I want to get him back. That’s a good idea, right?”  
  
“Yes!” Abdi shouted. David immediately felt himself settle from just the one word. He was ready to take in all the words he knew were coming his way. He was counting on them to push him over the edge and into being ready. He knew his family would deliver. “I think the best idea you’ve ever had! And you are always full of good ideas!”  
  
“Yeah, I agree,” Carlos said. “You have to go for this. Like, damn, this whole time you had me thinking that this thing with King Matteo was one-sided, just a little blip that you could learn from and use in your first real relationship. But this is your first real relationship. Hell, maybe even your last. You really did find your person. So, you have to go for it.”  
  
“You really do,” Linn said. “You gotta stop running away from things and start running towards them.”  
  
“Exactly. No more of this shit,” Leonie said. “I know you said it would be okay if you made the same mistake more than once, and yeah, it is, give yourself the grace. But just know that I will— in the kindest and most supportive way possible— never let you live it down if you don’t put your fucking all into making out with the king again. God, what is my life?”  
  
“Leonie, it’s more than just making out,” Abdi said insistently. “They are clearly soulmates.”  
  
“Soulmates aren’t even real, Abdi,” Leonie said, rolling her eyes.   
  
“Yeah and we can’t exactly make a claim like that without ever having seen them together,” Linn said. “No offense.”  
  
“I’ve seen them together,” Laura said. Her voice was heavy with memory and David looked in her eyes as she spoke, soft and sure. “When Matteo was here, it was so obvious that these two are meant to be. There was so much care and compassion between them, even at such a difficult moment. I sincerely hope that all of you get the privilege of seeing them together someday, in great and challenging moments alike. And David,” she said. She walked over to him and took his hands in hers. “I hope you can run to him. What you and Matteo share is beautiful and excellent and exactly the kind of thing I have been wishing upon you your whole life. It is truly a music box in the finest form. And I think it’s time you let yourself have the music boxes you deserve.”  
  
“Thank you,” David said. He felt a bit choked up as he pulled Laura into a hug. He let Laura hold him for a moment, then came out of the hug, taking a deep breath. “All of you. Thank you. I really needed to hear all of that.”  
  
“Of course,” Abdi said. “We’re here for you man.”  
  
“Yeah, always,” Carlos said. “So, what now?”  
  
“How about lunch?” Laura asked. She turned to look out at everyone. “It’s time to get the shakshuka out of the oven.”  
  
“Wait, you made shakshuka for lunch?” Leonie asked. “Isn’t that more of a breakfast dish?  
  
“Yeah,” David said. He got up from the table and turned to look at Leonie. “But when you have something that makes you feel good, you go after it, no matter what. I learned that from someone who I plan on getting back together with very soon.”  
  
— — —  
  
When Matteo opened his eyes late into the morning, he felt good. Not great or amazing. Certainly not like everything in his life was fixed or that the episode was over. But he felt good. Good enough that after a few minutes of acclimating himself to the bright sun streaming in through the window, he swung his legs to the side of the bed and got up, back stretching as his feet found comfort in the rug below.  
  
Fog still lived in his brain and around his body, but it slowly lessened as he walked through his room, bathroom and straight to his closet. There, he searched for clothes to change into even though he hadn’t been wearing his wrinkled brown tunic for long. Calling out to him was a shirt with gold detailing intricately laced onto off-white fabric that was surprisingly warm and comfortable despite how formal it was. It was oddly appealing to Matteo to wear something nice, something that made him elevated and real. He didn’t quite feel that way inside, but he was getting there and it almost felt possible. So, he put the shirt on, changing his pants to match and smiled as he put on his trusty shoes so he could walk confidently across the bathroom tile.   
  
_Things are getting better,_ Matteo thought when he reached his bedroom. He stopped there and took in a deep breath. His eyes fell on the door across the room. It locklessly stared back at him and dared him to adventure out into the real world. His toes curled restlessly and his chest got a little tight at the thought.  
  
Even though Matteo felt like he was starting a new chapter of self-care, self-understanding and self-love, he still felt safest in his room. He couldn’t imagine roaming the halls of the castle trying to find someone to help him get food to soothe his hungry stomach. He didn’t even let himself think about the possibility of running into Lieutenant Adamczyk.  
  
Since he wasn't ready to venture out, he stayed put in his room where he felt freer and safer than he’d felt in a long time. Free, but bored.  
  
He looked around his room, searching for something to satiate his tidbit of energy and his restless hands. His eyes quickly landed on his display case of music boxes.  
  
He walked over to them, and then, one by one, he took them all out of the case. He spent precious time with each one, listening to its song and remembering its story. Then when each music box’s moment felt complete, he set it on the ground next to his feet and stood to investigate and reminisce all over again. It was methodically and repetitive; it brought Matteo so much comfort, even though some of the memories came with a sad dark side. But for the first time, that sad dark side that so often surrounded memories of his childhood came with a tinge of hope because he had an answer that could ease his mind, an answer that he could someday share with his mother.  
  
But until then, all Matteo could do was hold onto his own hope and hold each music box close to his heart.  
  
He followed his pattern until there were dozens of music boxes surrounding him and only one left in the case; the one with the red floral pattern that he and Amira had picked out in Nims, the one David had held so gently as if he would crush the world if he crushed the delicate wood and music in his hands.  
  
Matteo sighed silently as he picked it up. He closed his eyes when it felt heavy in his hand, memories of that night flooding back.  
  
_“‘Yeah, it’s just that, I guess when you want something so bad, but you know it is scarce, it just makes you want it more.’  
  
‘Exactly. Almost sounds like a universal rule.’  
  
‘Almost?’  
  
‘Yeah. Almost. Doesn’t it also sort of make you want to run for the hills? If you never let yourself have it, then you’ll never miss it when it is gone.’” _  
  
It all made so much sense in retrospect and Matteo was almost mad at himself for not doing anything to stop the crash that was so clearly coming.  
  
_David doesn’t believe that things will work out for him. He has every reason to believe that parents will die and love will fail and the world will creep into your mind to steal you from yourself. It scares him, it controls him, it forces him to not even let himself have good things. And when he does let himself have them, he runs. He acts like nothing matters to him, like he can just be this all mighty, impersonal revolutionary who only cares about justice, but not for himself.  
  
I think I’ve known that for longer than my mind has let me know that I know. Yeah, I’ve always known. He’s David. There is no one I know better.  
  
Besides maybe myself. Because I do know myself pretty well. And he knows me pretty well too. But that’s not the point. The point is that I know myself. And I know that even though I wish I’d said something sooner, before he left, I did everything I could to fight for him in the way I knew I how._  
  
That thought sparked something in his soul. With the music box from Nims still in one hand, Matteo closed the display case and carefully maneuvered through the music box covered floor until he reached his bed. He dropped down to sit cross-legged on the floor with his back against the bed and opened the bedside table. He set down the music box, grabbed the painting that David had left him and remembered how he had dawned his cloak, ran after him, and fought so hard for their future together.  
  
_In one of my worst moments, I gathered the strength to fight for what I wanted. And I fought as hard as I could. For him. For me. For us. I tried. And that’s all I can ask of myself._  
  
As he looked down at the painting of David in harsh black paint and chains, he could also see the ocean of music boxes sitting in front of him. He was defenseless against the lonely pang in his heart as the two representations of his despair blurred together in his eyes.  
  
_But it wasn’t enough. He still left me. Just like they did. Fuck._  
  
Matteo realized there were small tears in his eyes at just about the same moment he heard a knock on the door. He wiped his tears away with the slightly too long sleeve that covered half of his empty hand. Sleeved hand still on one eye, he turned around and looked up over the bed to see Jonas tentatively walking in.  
  
“Oh, hey, Jonas,” Matteo said, returning his eyes to the front. He dropped the painting to his lap and stared down at nothing in particular, waiting for Jonas to reach him. The sound of Jonas’ feet approaching didn’t soothe his heart as much as he knew it could.  
  
“Hey, man, whatcha doin’ down there?” Jonas asked at the edge of the rug. Matteo only shrugged slightly, overwhelmed and unsure. He wanted to talk to Jonas, rid himself of that terrified and unfulfilled feeling at the pit of his stomach. But wanting to do the work to make it disappear didn’t actually make it. Matteo’s eyelids felt heavy and his mouth felt fastened shut. But then, Jonas, careful not to step on the music boxes, took a few steps towards Matteo and sat down next to him with his feet on the ground and arms resting on his knees. “Looking at the past, maybe?”  
  
“Yeah, I guess,” Matteo said. The words came up from somewhere he couldn’t quite pinpoint. He picked up the painting from his lap and dropped it on the ground in front of him in a mix of frustration and wistfulness. “I don’t know why I’m torturing myself again. I was just starting to feel better.”  
  
“Hans told me about yesterday,” Jonas said. “That he’s gay, that you took a bath, that I need to talk to you. Hanna told me that last one too. But not before Amira told me that if I want to learn more about mental health and mental illness, then I need to talk to you. And, I do. I want to learn. And I also didn’t really need them to tell me to talk to you. I’ve felt weird this whole week about how I reacted to all of this and how we left things the other day. So, can we talk?”  
  
“Man, this better be one hell of a conversation,” Matteo said. It was his way of saying yes and he had a little bit of a smile on his lips, despite the nerves he didn’t want to be feeling.  
  
“I think it’s pretty simple, actually. I’m really sorry, Matteo,” Jonas said, serious and laden with regret. As Matteo listened, his eyes neared Jonas’ and his insides calmed down just a bit. “I should have talked to you about the locks before we did anything. I should have asked you how you were feeling even before that. I shouldn’t have assumed I knew everything. And I should have thought more. I didn’t even think about how you would feel if they— if I —took the locks off your doors. I’ve just always been scared for you. I think I’ve denied this possibility for a long time, and then it just got so real so fast. But, you were right. I mean, I was here the whole time. I watched it get bad for your mom. I watched how much that hurt you. I watched you get even more reserved and quiet than before. I watched the fear flash across your eyes anytime this whole topic got brought up. I watched you hurting in ways I never understood for years. And then a few days ago, you were hurting so bad and I hated that I had never done anything to help. Because all I’ve ever wanted to do is keep you from hurting.”  
  
“I appreciate that, Jonas, but,” Matteo said. His eyes shifted away and then back as he tried to sound as confident as he felt. “And I hate to break it to you, but that’s impossible. I’m a mentally ill gay king in a kingdom where people don’t even know what mental illness is and being queer isn’t much easier.”  
  
“I’m sorry it’s been so hard. I wish I could change that for you,” Jonas said. He looked away from Matteo and glanced down at his hands as they hung between his knees. Matteo followed suit and looked down to his own hands which were restlessly clasping at the loss fabric of his pants at his ankles. “Amira didn’t tell me much, but she did tell me about the group in Yogalla and that you felt like their work fits you.”  
  
“It’s me, Jonas. And my mom,” Matteo said. Assured, he looked back to Jonas. When Jonas turned to look at him, Matteo saw his slightly confused, but mostly just searching face. Matteo sighed, fishing for the words to describe the journey he had just been on to someone who had never had a reason to go on the same type of journey. “It’s confusing and I don’t know everything there is to know, but I want to learn all of it. Because it feels right. And I know what it feels like for something to feel right. Like, when I first heard the word gay. When I found out that boys could kiss boys. Everything made sense. When I kissed a boy for the first time. Everything felt right. And this, it’s different, but it’s the same. This is right.”  
  
“It’s just hard to hear you call yourself ill,” Jonas said. Matteo could hear the anguish in his voice and see the subtle quiver of his upper lip. 

_He really just wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to me, anything to be wrong, ever. He just loves me and doesn’t know what to do with that love since there is no guide book for how to love your mentally ill gay best friend. And how can I blame him for that? For wanting to support someone, but then looking up and realizing you’ve missed the moment? For trying your best, even though it feels like it can never be enough? It’s not the same. But it’s close enough to let me understand a little bit of how he feels._

“Maybe there’s a better word for it, or maybe we just have to think about ill differently. I don’t know,” Matteo said, quickly. “But I do know that you have nothing to apologize for.”  
  
“What?” Jonas asked.  
  
“Okay, well, not nothing. Because, yeah, it sucked so bad when you did that thing with the locks,” Mateo said. “I used to always think that my biggest fear was turning into my mother. But I realized that’s not true. My biggest fear is being treated like her. Pitted and chastised and made out to be a villain in her own story. Treated like she doesn’t have the agency to make decisions or live for herself or take care of herself. Turned on by the people who were supposed to love her. And when you took the locks off the doors, I could feel that starting. And it hurt really bad.”  
  
“I’m so sorry, Matteo, I really didn’t mean to—”   
  
“Exactly, you didn’t mean to hurt me,” Matteo said. He lifted a hand to Jonas’ arm, trying to comfort him and make sure he was listening, really listening. “I know that you would never do that on purpose. And I know that we both have a lot to learn about mental illness. This is new for everyone. So, yeah, it hurt and it does feel nice to hear you apologize, but I’m not going to hold it against you. You could have done better, but I know you. You are always going to try to do better than yesterday. That’s who you are. So, as long as you promise to keep trying your best and to learn with me and to always let me be in charge of my own life, we’re good.”  
  
“Absolutely. I promise,” Jonas said, immediately, looking Matteo in the eye. Matteo dropped his arm from Jonas and looked him in the eye right back. “I love you, Matteo and I am so proud of you. I mean, you are just so impressive right now. After all the things you have been through, to still be sitting here, let alone standing up for yourself and demanding to be treated with the respect you deserve. You amaze me, Matteo.”  
  
Matteo glanced down, feeling a bit shy from the compliments and happily overwhelmed. With a smile dancing on his lips, he found it within him to look back up and speak the truth. “I’m just trying to do right by myself.”  
  
“You’re succeeding, little one,” Jonas said, eyes glistening. He gently threw an arm around Matteo’s shoulders bringing him closer as Matteo's smile widened. He rested his head on Jonas’ shoulder and Jonas rested his head on Matteo’s. “Though,” Jonas said, a little quieter, “I think you might have outgrown that nickname.”  
  
“Maybe, yeah,” Matteo said, wistfully. He fell silent for a moment, gathering his words as he reveled in the moment of closeness and comfort. “You know I love you, too, right?” he finally said. “And that I wouldn’t be here without you.”  
  
“It’s the same for me,” Jonas said. Even with the emotion dripping off his voice, Matteo could tell me was holding back something like tears. “I love you too. Always.”  
  
“Okay. Good,” Matteo said earnestly. For some reason, that got a little laugh from Jonas, and Matteo laughed a little with him on instinct. When their light laughter subsided, Jonas turned his head a little and pressed a kiss to the top of Matteo’s hair. Matteo smiled, delighted at the return of that display of brotherly affection. It felt right. It calmed Matteo’s heart in the way only a best friend like Jonas could.  
  
It was quiet and still for a few minutes, Jonas resettling his head onto Matteo’s and Matteo taking some deep comforting breaths. Eventually, though his eyes refocused on the sea of scattered memories in front of him and he could feel Jonas starting to get a little fidgety next to him. _I should ask him what he is thinking. Maybe “what’s on your mind” or something like that._  
  
“So, um,” Jonas said. He sounded hesitant, but Matteo didn’t mind because they had truly been on the same page. “Can we talk about David or is that off the table?”  
  
Feeling astoundingly unfazed, Matteo lifted his head off of Jonas’ shoulder. Jonas too shifted out of their position and dropped his knees to sit cross-legged like Matteo. “No, we can definitely talk about him. I was actually thinking yesterday or maybe this morning, or both, I don’t know. But, I need to talk about David. If I don’t, I’ll never process through everything that happened and I’ll never be able to move on. It’s sad as shit, but, you know.”  
  
“The best way out is through,” Jonas said. “I read that somewhere once.”  
  
“I like that,” Matteo nodded, repeating the phrase in his head. _The best way out is through._ Then, he felt a twinge in his stomach that reminded him that he had been hungry for a while. “But, um, before David, I need food. Is it breakfast or lunch at this point?”  
  
“It’s lunchtime,” Jonas said, starting to get up from the floor. “But it doesn’t matter, right?”  
  
“Because it’s always a good time for pasta?” Matteo asked. As Jonas nodded, Matteo could feel his goofy grin creeping onto his face and he loved the way it made his whole body feel alive.  
  
— — —  
  
Laura served the shakshuka, everyone settled back in around the dining room table and they fell into an easy rhythm of conversation. There were a few questions for David about his time with Matteo, but David didn’t really have much left to tell, so he kept his lips tight as he smiled with memories that belonged only to him and Matteo. It didn’t take long for the conversation to move away from secrets David was clearly not going to spill. As everyone chatted about Abdi’s questionable love life, Carlos’s long-overdue announcement about his not so secret relationship with Kiki and the new recruits who had come by Leonie's work that morning, David tried to listen but found himself in his head more than anything.  
  
Holding on to his happy memories of Matteo, David tried to picture them getting back together, but the image of them finally kissing again had background noise that sounded like _what if he doesn’t want me? I broke his heart and so I would completely understand if he isn’t ready to forgive me right now. Or ever._

David tried to imagine what it would be like to meet each other’s friends and families, but the handshakes and hugs faded as his mind asked _what if his people won’t accept me? What if they can never see past my background and the crimes I’ve committed?_

The idea of Matteo publicly announcing their relationship in a way that made David blush with pride was interrupted with _people will judge us for so many reasons. They might even hate us. They could dig up dirt on me and my past. Find out things I don’t want everyone to know._

David couldn’t even picture the two of them moving in together because _I could never force Matteo to give up the luxury of the palace and I could never stomach living in a place like that, so where does that leave us?_

The idea of marriage did cross his mind and calling Matteo his husband somewhere down the line made his heart flutter, but _same-sex marriage isn’t legal. Though I guess Matteo could change that, he is the king. But if we get married, does that make me a king? I don’t think I want that. I want to rule the world with him, make the world better with him, but not like that._

David’s mind truly couldn’t even think much beyond five, maybe ten years down the line because _surely one of us will get killed or taken away from each other before then._  
  
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he heard Laura ask. She sounded gentle and concerned, quiet among the boisterous chatter around them. David looked up from where he had been pushing around the few final bites of shakshuka on his plate and glanced over to her.  
  
“Nothing,” he said. She stared at him with raised eyebrows and an almost disappointed frown. David sighed and put his fork down. It clanked on to the plate and garnished almost as much attention as his voice did. “No, it’s not nothing. I’ve been thinking.”  
  
“Oh, that can’t be good,” Leonie said from across the table. David looked up at her as everyone fell quiet and their eyes landed on him again. “Talk to us.”  
  
“Okay, well,” David said. He scooted back in his chair, turning over words in his head before he landed on a truthful answer. “I thought I was there. I told you all about Matteo, what he means to me, what I’ve learned about myself. I felt the love from all of you, and it made me feel like good things are possible in my life. I heard all of you telling me to go for it with Matteo, and that made me feel like he’s one of those possible good things. But now, I feel like that belief has just vanished. Every time I think about the future I want with him, I also think about the terrible shit that could happen. I mean, there are some very serious threats and real reasons why our life together might not work out. I don’t know if I’m ever going to believe that nothing will go wrong.”   
  
“Oh, David,” Laura said. She leaned over to him and looked up at him with love shining in her wise older sister smile. “Life isn’t about believing that things will never go wrong. It’s about knowing that things could go wrong, but still moving forward anyways.”  
  
“Yeah,” Linn said. “This world is full of shit sometimes. It’s normal to be afraid. Good even. Fear keeps us safe from avalanches and lions and knives being thrown in our faces.”  
  
David felt like there might have been a knife creeping up from his gut right to his throat. He wanted to speak, say something to get the feeling out of him, but he couldn’t. He just opened his mouth, looking to Laura who was already giving Linn a bit of a “what gives” face and turning back to David.  
  
“But, life isn’t just knives in faces,” Laura said. “There are wonderful things like this lovely circle of friends and family you have here. Things like the amazing boy holding the other half of your heart in the palace. The beautiful art you’ve been creating the past few days. Genevieve back in Karthik always sending her love and support. But even with all that, that feeling in the pit of your stomach is valid and those very real threats are worth being afraid of. No one is telling you that you have to banish all your fear.”  
  
“Yeah, to be human is to always be a little bit afraid,” Linn said, leaning forward. “I know that sounds scary, but it’s actually freeing to accept healthy fear as part of your life. When you really get down to it, being alive is just a matter of being comfortable enough with that fear to keep moving forward.”  
  
“‘Just a matter of’— okay, like it’s that easy,” David said, scoffing as he looked down to his plate. “I mean, that’s great wisdom and all, but how the fuck is anyone supposed to actually be comfortable with the fact that shit could go wrong?”  
  
“Oh, come on, man, you know the answer to that question,” Leonie said frustrated. “It’s people, you idiot. Having your support system, your friends, your family, your people there to catch you if things go wrong. But also knowing that when things go right, those same people will cheer you on and be happy for you. God, I love you, but you’re so dense sometimes.”  
  
David smiled at Leonie, and was about to thank her but he heard Carlos shift in his chair so he looked over to him.  
  
“It’s okay though, you’re allowed to take your time,” he said. “I mean, when I started seeing Kiki I was scared too. But I gave myself a little time, and I got there with her because I knew she was worth it. I loved her and I knew I would always be glad I went for it, even if it didn’t work out. But, it did work out for us. And I know it’s more complicated for you because Matteo is the king, but the vibes just seem right here. I have this great gut feeling you two will be able to have each other through whatever life throws your way.”  
  
“Yeah, honestly, it’s not even that surprising that you aren’t feeling fully there yet,” Abdi said nonchalantly. Everyone turned to him with questioning eyes, and David was no different. He could feel Abdi on the edge of something, so he stared at him until he looked up from his plate. “What? Isn’t it obvious? David’s never going to get all the way there without Matteo.”  
  
Abdi took a bite of his shakshuka as everyone continued to stare at him. The wheels in David’s head started turning, but before he could get too far into his realization, the conversation picked back up.  
  
“You know, I hate to admit it, but Abdi might be onto something here,” Leonie said, crossing her arms as she sat back in her chair.  
  
“Why would you hate to admit it?” Abdi asked, then shook his head. “Never mind. All I’m saying is that Matteo is David’s person. He is on Team David just as much as the rest of us. He is the guy who breaks down David’s walls in an instant and makes him believe that life will work out okay in the end. So, how can we think that he’ll be able to get to a point where he fully accepts his healthy fear and trusts that he’ll make it through if Matteo doesn’t reassure him that they’ll be happy together and spend their whole lives working to make sure they are okay in this world that forces us to reconcile with our fear in the first place?”  
  
“Abdi, you are a motherfucking genius,” Carlos said slow and serious.  
  
“Thank you,” Abdi said, smiling wide. “I mean, it’s not that complicated.”  
  
“No, it’s really not,” David said. The thoughts were flowing so vigorously through his head that he just had to push himself away from the table and stand up. When he did, everyone gasped a little and looked up at him nervously. “Guys, I’m not running away. I just have a lot of stuff to get out and I can’t sit still any longer.” David turned away from the table and started pacing as the words traveled to his lips. “I need Matteo, just like I need all of you to get through this. To get to a point where I can stand tall and say that I truly believe that good things can and will happen to me. To be able to withstand the bad things when they do come instead of letting them get the best of me and living with bad coping mechanisms and uncontrollable fear. But in order to let each and every one of you support me, I have to support myself. I have to make the decision that even though I am still afraid and not entirely there yet, I will take the step forward. I will go to Matteo, I will tell him how I feel, that I want and need him in my life. I am still terrified, but I have enough faith to take this step thanks to what he has already taught me, what you all teach me every second I am with you, and what I am teaching myself right now by standing here and saying this. I don’t have it all figured it out, and I may never. But enough is well within my soul and within the world around me, even in all this darkness, that I can feel the light coming from within me. And I am going to take that light, and I am going to make something good happen with it. I am going to reach out to Matteo and I am going to let him light up my life even more than I ever thought possible. I have the strength, the agency and the faith to let go and trust that he will catch me no matter what the universe throws our way.”  
  
David finished with confidence and turned to the table. He relished in the looks of impressed pride on everyone’s faces. Carlos shook his head and started clapping, which just made David burst into laughter that he felt so right despite how serious he still felt, soaking in the words as they echoed in his ears.  
  
“You deserve it man,” Carlos said, getting up from his chair and starting to walk over to him.  
  
“Really! I’m so happy for you!” Abdi said. He leapt up from his chair and bounded over to attack David with a hug. David didn’t even flinch. He just accepted it full on as Carlos put a hand on his shoulder and the rest of the crew came to him.   
  
“Okay, but,” Leonie said, approaching David as Abdi let go of their hug. “On the very, very off chance he doesn’t catch you—”  
  
“I have you all,” David said without missing a beat. “Who have already caught me a million times over. And that’s just today.”  
  
“Okay, I think this calls for a second group hug,” Laura said. With Linn’s hand in hers, she came up to David, and before he knew it, they were all back in each other’s space, arms tangled up together and love warm between them all.  
  
But David’s mind couldn’t stay there for long. “So, um, guys,” David said, not daring to break the hug. “How the hell am I logistically supposed to let Matteo catch me when he’s the king and I’m a fugitive locked in my house?”  
  
“Well,” Leonie said, confidently as she pulled back from the hug. “Sounds like it’s brainstorming time.”  
  
— — —  
  
While waiting for Jonas to return with pasta, Matteo remembered that David’s manifesto has been sitting innocently on his bedside table. He reached a hand up to the table, and grabbed the manifesto. It felt right to add it to the collection of memories down on the rug with him. Matteo found himself thumbing through the pages, reading random lines as he waited for another knock on the door. When he finally heard it, he also heard a bounty of footsteps and voices.  
  
“I may have brought some reinforcements,” Jonas said, from the doorway. Matteo turned around and saw Amira, Hanna, and Hans standing with Jonas. The smiles they all wore shone almost as bright as Matteo’s as it crinkled the corners of his glimmering eyes.   
  
“Jonas said you were going to talk about David. You need your gay guru,” Hans said affectionately.  
  
“And I wasn’t about to let this become a boy’s club,” Amira said. She stepped into the room, which prompted everyone to follow her as she walked over to Matteo.  
  
“Good thing, too,” Hanna said. “Amira has better problem-solving skills than all of us combined.”  
  
“Oh, shush, don’t tell yourself short,” Amira said. She stopped just shy of the rug and turned back to Hanna. “Plus, you are way warmer and more comforting than I’ll ever be.”  
  
“Amira, that’s just not true,” Hanna said, reaching for Amira’s hand. “You are so kind and understanding, so loving. There’s a reason you were the first-person Matteo told about David.”  
  
“Aw, you two are so sweet,” Hans said. He took a seat on the bed as he watched Amira and Hanna smiling warmly at each other. Matteo didn’t know where to look; it was all so much, but in the best way.  
  
“Yes, definitely,” Jonas said. He put his hands on Amira and Hanna’s shoulders as they let go of each other’s hands. “But I thought we were here for Matteo.”  
  
“Team Matteo!” Hans called out. He threw his hands in the air like he was celebrating and it made Matteo laugh fondly.  
  
His laughter subsided and his fondness grew into joy as everyone moved to surround him, careful to avoid the sea of music boxes. Amira sat between Matteo and the bedside table, Jonas and Hanna sat close to each other in front of the window and Hans stayed on the bed but shifted to lie on his stomach with his head propped up by his hands on the non-Amira side of Matteo.  
  
“Here, pass this to Matteo,” Jonas said. He handed Amira the bowl of pasta, and once it was in her hand, he looked up at Matteo, minor concern on his face. “Is this okay? I couldn’t really stop them, but—”  
  
“No, no, it’s perfect,” Matteo said, grabbing the bowl from Amira. “I love all you guys, so much.”  
  
Everyone smiled back at him and he nodded in response to the chorus of “I love you too”s as he stuffed a large bit of pasta into his mouth.  
  
“So, David?” Amira asked leadingly, once the group had quieted down.  
  
“Oh, um” Matteo said, struggling to chew the pasta in his mouth fast enough to respond. “Yeah, fuck, I want to talk about David, but I just don’t know how.”  
  
“Well, let’s start with the basics,” Amira said as Matteo continued to eat. “I think we all know essentially what happened—”  
  
“Do we?” Jonas asked, eyebrows raised as Matteo took another bite. “Because I think I missed something between sentencing David to death and realizing he’s your person. I mean, I knew you guys were getting close, but I guess I just don’t quite see how—”  
  
“I can explain it,” Matteo said, after swallowing his bite. “You gotta give me a second to put the words together, but I don’t mind.”   
  
“Okay, sure,” Jonas said kindly. “I really do want to listen and understand.”  
  
Matteo swirled his fork around in pasta for a moment, taking in the contentment that came with Jonas already living out his promise and letting thoughts of David blossom in his mind.  
  
“David is the most incredible person I have ever met,” Matteo finally said. He looked up at the wall above the empty display case as he continued to rake his fork through the pasta. “He has this amazing ability to rise to the occasion, to adapt, to do whatever it takes and whatever is necessary. He can understand any situation you throw at him and he always knows how to act accordingly. He has all these amazing innate skills and traits within him that he can distribute to any situation. He’s deeply intelligent and he sees things as they are even when it’s hard, he is a brilliant artist and can craft words into sentences like language belongs to him, he can command a room and is a natural-born leader, he’s suave and persuasive, but also attentive and gentle, he’s fiercely loyal and he has so much determination that sometimes I feel like I can see it bubbling on his skin, he’s quick on his feet and he will step in front of a fire to protect those he cares for, he sees the value in every person and knows how to amplify voices that are so often silenced— I mean, you guys, I could go on forever about all the amazingness that is contained with David Schreibner.”  
  
“You can if you want to,” Hans said. Matteo could hear the smile in his voice. “We’ve got time.”  
  
“Thanks, but I want to get to my point before I forget it,” Matteo said. “David is made of pure passion and energy and joy and care and compassion, and he can channel all of that into the tiniest, brightest most powerful laser beam of light that shines so bright and that he knows how to adjust however necessary. He can be the perfectly feisty and ruthlessly honest revisionary or he can be the gentle and tender caretaker that he is at heart or he can be the silly, playfully teasing best friend or the deeply creative and serious artist. He is strong and powerfully himself in everything he does. At least when he is around me. I know that he sometimes overcompensates with one part of himself or another. I mean, there’s a reason you guys only see him as the harsh, heartless revolutionary who will break the law to save his people and chew out anyone standing in his way. But he only does that overcompensating because he is a person, just like any of us. But when he is at his best, he is effortless, seamless, integrated. And I am so lucky because that’s the way he has been with me from day one. There were bumps in the road, obviously. But he always showed me that he is a person who understands the world so well and is so ridiculously intelligent that he knows how to navigate everything thrown at him with a strength and grace that I admire so much. He is adaptable, he is a fighter, he is a survivor, he always tries a thousand percent. That is beautiful to me. How could it not be? He is exactly what I have been looking for my whole life.”  
  
“Okay, I think I definitely get it now,” Jonas said. Even though Matteo could hear the understanding smile in his voice, he was far from done explaining how precious David was to him.   
  
“He’s absolutely perfect for me. I need someone who cares deeply and who walks the line between firm and gentle There is so no one more like that David. Somedays, he is pushing me to be the person I’ve always been on the inside by challenging me and expecting the most of me and never letting me back down. But he knows right when to turn that off, and just hold me. He knows that sometimes, that’s all that can be done and all I need. He knows how to take care of me without making me feel like a burden or a disappointment. He doesn’t want me to change or be fixed. He wants me to have joy, whatever that looks like for me. He helps me see that I’m okay just the way I am, that I am worthy and loveable and capable. He makes me feel like I can fight my own battles, because that strength is within me, but also because I know that on the days where I can’t do it alone, I’m not alone. He’ll step up and fight for me exactly how I need him to. And, so yeah, that makes me want him in my life, but that also makes me want to be in his life. Because, like, I have this person who understands me and lights up my world, who is also the most incredible person in the whole universe just by being himself— how could I not want to give him what he gives me? And I think I am capable of giving him back all that understanding and safety and trust and joy and adoration and belief. He deserves it so, so much. And he needs it. They’re his battles, so I can’t tell you about them, but I know he has his demons too. And I feel like I could be that person who empowers him to fight them with his own inner strength, but also the person who steps up to do the work with him if he needed me to. I think our lives could be beautiful together.”

“Matteo, that’s so amazing. I’m so happy for you,” Hanna said tenderly. He knew that if she had been sitting next to him, she would have placed a loving hand on his knee. He was glad she was a few feet away because he was already starting to wrestle with something sad and frustrating inside, something that would intensify with her touch.   
  
“No, don't be,” Matteo said. He shook his head and speared a few pieces of pasta with his fork. “We would have been great together, but we have to learn to be great on our own now because it’s over.”  
  
“Is it over, though?” Hanna asked. “I mean, the way you talk about him and the way you two fit together so perfectly, how can that just be over?”  
  
“Because it is,” he said. His voice was fierce as it boomed down to his lap, but then he let out a long breath and looked up at everyone around him, including the music boxes that were still scattered on the floor. “Look, I know this sucks. Believe me, I know more than any of you how much this sucks. I want David. I want him to be my present, my future— my everything. But he isn’t ready to be that for me and I understand why. And even if I didn’t understand why, I tried. I tried my damn hardest. I did the thing I never used to do; I fought for what I wanted. I went after him and begged him to be with me, to stay with me despite all the voices in his head telling him he couldn’t. But I couldn’t convince him. There was nothing I could say or do to change things for him because he wasn’t ready for me to change things for him. And that hurt so bad that it triggered an episode of my mental illness. Like, I know there is a difference between my illness and my heartbreak, and this episode came from way more than just things with David, but the timeline doesn’t lie— they have to be connected in some way. So, yeah, it hurt like hell. But, I did the best thing I could ever do. I tried with everything I had. And now I see that trying is all I can ask of myself. So, now, I have to keep trying to live my life, and that means it’s a life without David.”  
  
“But—” Amira said.   
  
“I can’t go after the love of someone who doesn’t want to give me that same love back,” Matteo said. He paused, setting down the bowl and leaning forward to pick up one of the music boxes in front of him. He turned it over in his hand as he continued. “I’ve sat around waiting for love that I was never going to get before. I’ve thrown myself after people who weren’t ready to love me and take care of me and me there for me. Some people who would never, ever be able to do that for me in the way that I needed. I know how much that hurts. And so, I can’t do it again. I won’t. I won’t wait around for music boxes that are never going to come.”  
  
Matteo set down the music box in front of him, a little harder than he normally would have, but he didn’t really care if he broke it.  
  
“Okay,” Jonas said, filling the silence that had fallen over the room. “That’s just as empowering as fighting for something— knowing when you have fought enough to put the sword down.”  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said. Matteo picked up the bowl again, preparing a bite and lifting it to his mouth as he spoke. “I’m just trying to learn which fights I need to keep fighting in and which ones I need to let go of.”  
  
“And if David is one you know in your heart that you need to let go of,” Amira said as Matteo chewed. “Then we are there with you in that.”  
  
“For now, he is,” Matteo said. His voice felt heavy as it escaped his lips, but he knew there was a confidence in his chest. “Maybe someday, things will be different for us. But until that day, I have to take a step back and focus my fighting energy on myself and what I need.”  
  
“So, Matteo,” Hans said. “If David ever was ready to give you the love you deserve and let you give him the same, would you fight for him and your relationship again?”  
  
“In a heartbeat,” Matteo said. He felt his own body easing, just as he felt the tension escape from the room. “I will always be ready to dive back in with David if he gives me an indication that he wants me to and he is truly ready. Always. But, for now, I have to learn to let go enough to live regardless of where David is on his journey. I’ll always hope that he is out there healing and growing, but I have to focus on myself, what I need, and what I can control. I have to be that fighter for myself. With you all here by my side, of course. But with me at the helm of my own life. Because I can do that. I know that now.”  
  
“Like I said, Team Matteo,” Hans said, cheery and meaningful. “As captained by the man himself.”  
  
“So, moving on,” Hanna said. She let out a long, unsure breath and pushed her hands into her lap. “How do we do that?”  
  
“I dunno,” Matteo said, stuffing his mouth full of pasta again. “Isn’t that where you all come in?”  
  
Everyone laughed and smiled, and Matteo did the same as he chewed with his eyes bright. Amira’s laughs subsided first; she was clearly on a mission with a problem to solve.  
  
“Well, you said you wanted to figure out which fights you needed to keep on with,” she said. “Do you know which those fights are?”  
  
Matteo thought for a moment as he chewed another bite and he answered with total sureness.  
  
“My mental health is definitely one I want to learn more about. And I want to tell my mom,” he said. “And, I, um, think I want to invite her to live at the palace again. Can I do that?”  
  
“You’re the king, Matteo,” Amira said. “So, yeah.”  
  
“You can basically do whatever you want,” Jonas added with a wide smile. Matteo heard his words and then felt his gut speaking to him.   
  
“You’re right. I can,” Matteo said. His eyes slowly widened as his thoughts caught up with his body. Then, swiftly and vigorously, he got up, pushing the bowl on the floor and grabbing the manifesto. He started pacing a bit, walking away from the rug, as he tapped the manifesto against his hand and placed his words into sentences. Then, he quickly turned around to everyone as they stared up at him with curiosity and attention. “We’re going to start making Florenzia better,” Matteo said, firm and assertive. “I don’t know everything or how exactly we are going to do it, but we are going to start making some serious changes around here. We know what is wrong with Florenzia, it’s all here in David’s manifesto and we— the five of us, and maybe the some of the other advisors who I’m not about to fire— we’re going to figure out what we need to do to fix these problems and exactly how we need to do it. And, I know the first thing I want to do. Actually, the first two things. No, three things. Four. We have a lot of work to do.”  
  
“What are the four things?” Amira asked. Matteo barely heard her as he fiercely walked over to his desk.  
  
“Where are you going?” Jonas asked, starting to get up from the floor.  
  
Matteo heard everyone else getting up as he opened the bottom drawer of his desk and reached inside, pulling out his crown. He took a deep breath— the fullest he could ever remember taking— and placed his crown on his head.  
  
He turned around, standing tall with his chest out, and confidently said without a shadow of a doubt, “Where I belong.”  
  
— — —  
  
Sitting on the edge of his bed, David tipped into frustration as he listened to Leonie rip into Abdi for his latest idea. It wasn’t a great idea, but it fit in well; the list Leonie had taken down on a large sheet of paper on the wall behind the drafting table didn’t have any winners on it.  
  
“I just want them to get back together!” Abdi called out from where he sat on the floor in the entryway.  
  
“Yeah, we all do,” Leonie spit back from behind the drafting table.  
  
_We’ve got to get this under control. I hate to be that guy I used to be, but we need a leader right now._ David couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped his lips as he stood up.  
  
“But trust me, no one wants that more than I do,” David said authoritatively. Carlos stopped pacing in the kitchen and Laura and Linn both looked over at him from where they sat on her bed. “So, can we maybe take a step back, for a second? Rethink this. Make sure we haven’t missed anything obvious. Leonie, can you walk us through the list so far?”  
  
“Of course,” Leonie said. She turned around, took a deep breath, and got right to it. “Okay, first idea— David gets arrested again so he’s taken back to the palace. But we all agreed that it isn’t a viable option since David doesn’t want to put his life on the line anymore. So, next idea— sneak David into the castle. I still think this is a decent option, but it definitely has flaws. Carlos making some sort of metal structure for you to hide in so we could drop it off as a delivery would take way too long and you probably wouldn’t even make it past the guards. You would just get caught and boom, Lieutenant Adamczyk is all over you. And Laura using magic to sneak you into the castle is far too risky for both of us and the entire magic community. Which, actually, new idea—” Leonie said. She turned around and wrote something on the paper, then turned back with a proud flourish. “Laura’s telepathic magic. It’s not as risky if we do it when Matteo is alone, like at night or something. You guys couldn’t have a full-on conversation, but it would be enough to send him a message. Laura could tell him to leave the palace and come visit you.”  
  
“I don’t—” David started, but his nerves bubbled up and cut him off. _We can’t put him through those side effects. He lives with them every day. I can’t be responsible for bringing him more pain._  
  
“See, that’s why I said we should kidnap him!” Abdi said. David took in a shallow breath as he sat down on his bed again, deflated, and listened to Abdi. “If we get him out of the palace, then David can have a real conversation with him. But, yeah, telepathic magic is probably better than kidnapping the king. Could you do it, Laura?”  
  
“I think so,” she said from the bed. “I have met Matteo once, which should help. And, David, you still have his cloak, right?”  
  
David felt her eyes on him, but he didn’t look up. “We can’t use telepathic magic on Matteo. I can’t explain why— it’s not my place. But just trust me here; it’s a nonstarter.”  
  
“Okay, but that’s basically all we’ve got ideas wise,” Leonie said. David looked up at her and felt his lips turning up into a smile at how no one had pressed him about the telepathic magic. _They prove themselves every day. How could I not have seen it sooner? Doesn’t matter right now. What matters is ideas._  
  
“I think we are onto something, though,” David said, energy reinvigorated. “Sending Matteo a message is a really great idea. Getting him out of the palace, too. It puts this on him. He gets to decide for himself when he wants to come talk to me, if he even does. That’s agency for him and that really matters to me.”  
  
“Okay, so a message to Matteo,” Carlos said, starting to pace again. He stopped after a few steps, though. “What about another mural? Something that makes it clear that you want him back and want him to come here to talk to you?”  
  
“But if David goes out, he could get caught,” Leonie said. Carlos groaned and started pacing again. “And plus, Matteo doesn’t really leave the palace all that often.”  
  
“Maybe one of his friends could find it for him,” Abdi said, getting up off the floor. “He is friends with Jonas and Hanna from the academy. And Queen Amira is still here; she goes out on all sorts of visits in Clarence City.”  
  
“You know,” Laura said. She stood up and walked over to the drafting table that the group was slowly growing to huddle around. “There might be a way that I can combine my magic with the magic in your paint set and create the mural on your behalf.”  
  
“As much as I love the idea of bringing this full circle with a mural,” David said. “I don’t want to wait for me to create a mural design, you to figure out how to put it somewhere in the city, one of Matteo’s friends to maybe see it and understand it, go back to him, tell him about it, Matteo to take his time, come visit me and then I finally get to tell what I have to say. I don’t want to wait that long for something that might not even happen. I know what I want to say to him and I want to say it as soon as possible. These words, they are on the tip of my tongue and I just want to—wait,” David said. Powered by his epiphany traveling up from his gut, he stood up from his bed and walked over to the drafting table as he processed out loud. “The message, the time he needs, the agency, the friends, him coming here. Yeah, that’s it. I’ve got it.”  
  
It was silent for a moment as David grinned and looked at everyone around the drafting table.  
  
“What?” Leonie asked impatiently. “Are you not going to tell us?”  
  
“Oh, right. Yeah, I'm just going to write Matteo a letter,” David said. He gently shimmed between Laura and Linn to get behind the drafting table. He reached for a pen and a pad of paper as he continued. “It’s simple, risk-free. There is no magic, no convoluted schemes, there are limited opportunities for missing links. There is no chance of getting caught. I don’t even have to leave this house.”  
  
“Why didn’t we think of that sooner?” Abdi asked. “Maybe Leonie was right all along; I am an idiot.”  
  
“You’re not an idiot, none of us are,” David said. He started over to his bed, supplies in hand. “It just takes talking through stuff as a group to reach what was probably inside us all along. Plus, I think we were hung up on the idea of me literally going to Matteo, but this is way better. He maintains his agency and I get to say exactly what I need to say right here, right now. There’s no chance for me to run away from these words. I hate to admit it, but that could have happened if I waited too long or went to him in person. And, honestly, I don’t know what kind of state he’s in right now, so me dropping by unannounced might have been too much for him.”

“Heartbreak can be one bitch of a state,” Linn said wistfully. Laura put a hand on her shoulder, but David barely noticed as he dropped the supplies onto his bed and listened to his thoughts. _Yeah, heartbreak or that thing we have to find a name for. God, I hope he’s okay. I hope he knows how much— save it for the letter, man._  
  
“I’ve gotta get writing,” David said. He brought his hands up to his neck as he looked down at the supplies and felt his blush rise at the thought of all that he was going to say to Matteo.  
  
“Wait, David,” Leonie said. He turned around and saw her walking over. “How exactly are you planning on getting this letter to him? It’s not all like mail that arrives at the palace isn’t vetted by Lieutenant Adamczyk and his goons.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that,” David said. “I was thinking we could have Sara take it to him. I know she and Matteo might not be on the best of terms, but I was hoping you could work your metaphorical best friend magic on her too.”  
  
“Why would Sara and Matteo not be on the best terms?” Leonie asked. Her face was blank, but David could see the hurt beneath the surface. “Wait a fucking minute. He picked her to be his queen, didn’t he?”  
  
The look of betrayal on Leonie’s face was horrific, and David’s eyebrows raised at the same time his face fell. “You didn’t know?”  
  
“If I had known, don’t you think I would have said something about the fact that my best friend was going to throw away her life on a fake ass marriage with my other best friend’s soulmate?” Leonie shouted. She looked to the side as she crossed her arms. “I don’t even believe in soulmates. This is so stupid.”  
  
“Hey,” David said, walking right up to her. “It’s not stupid. Feelings are not stupid. You’re allowed to be upset about this.”  
  
“I know, okay. I’ve been upset ever since she told me about the queen search. I made that very clear with her,” Leonie said, a little hushed and bitter. “No wonder she didn’t tell me about Matteo. Or the fact that he probably broke up with her for you. Shit, she needs her best friend right now and I’m over here stewing about—” Leonie stopped. David could see the combination of infatuation and fear that was so indicative of romance flicker across her eyes as she shifted her glance a few more times than necessary. “Taking care of your broken heart,” she said. “So, you should get busy with that letter. You need to get off your ass and go get your man back.”  
  
“Okay, I can do that,” David said softly. Leonie’s arms were crossed over her chest, but that didn’t stop him from grabbing her and pulling her in for a hug. She was resistant, but David felt her body relax into his. He wanted to whisper something like _if I got through this, I know you can too_ or _we’ll solve your shit together just like we solved mine,_ but he knew it was too soon. So, he just held Leonie and let her go when he felt her getting restless.  
  
“Wait, so let me get this straight,” Abdi said, walking over to where they were standing. “Matteo was supposed to make Sara his queen, but now he’s not because he wants to be with David?”  
  
“Something like that,” David said, shrugging. “I don’t really know the full extent of what happened between Sara and Matteo. Just that he didn’t actually want to be with her. And that I have a gut feeling they aren’t together in any capacity anymore. Which I know means that Sara might hate Matteo, and I would understand that. But from the bit of time I’ve spent with Sara and years of Leonie telling me how wonderful she is, I was hoping she would be able to bury the hatchet, at least enough to help us out. Because I honestly can’t think of another way to get my letter to Matteo.”  
  
“There isn’t anyone else. She’s our best bet,” Leonie said. “And you’re right David. Her dad may suck, but Sara’s a good person. She can be a little petty at times, but she’s the kind of person who wants to look back and know she took the high road anytime she could. I know that she may need a push, but she’ll get there. And there is no one else better suited to give her that push than me.”  
  
“Are you sure?” David asked, serious. “If you two are fighting, I don’t want to exacerbate that. Maybe we can figure out something else.”  
  
“No, she and I are overdue for a conversation. This is the perfect reason to start one,” Leonie said. “Plus, like I said, she needs her best friend right now. And so, do you. Even if Sara isn’t quite ready for the high road, I’ll make sure she is ready enough to at least get me into the palace so I can deliver the letter myself. One way or another, I’m getting your letter to Matteo. And I’m going to comfort and support Sara at the same time.”  
  
“I’m so sorry for putting you in the middle of this,” David said.  
  
“Oh, it’s okay,” Leonie said, starting to walk backwards away from David. “I can compartmentalize and code switch and walk the tightrope between two worlds. God knows this life has made sure I’ve learned how.”  
  
David smiled as Leonie tilted her head and sent him a devious, satisfied smirk back.   
  
“Damn, there it is,” Carlos said. He put a hand up for her to high five, and she hit it while still walking backwards.   
  
“Leonie Richter, always there with the truth bombs!” Abdi called out. Leonie turned around and put her hand up again for Abdi to high five, which he gladly reciprocated.  
  
The conversation continued between them, but David began to tune them out as he took a seat on his bed. He grabbed his supplies and scooted back on his bed as thoughts of Matteo flooded back to his mind.  
  
Just as he reached the end of his bed and propped himself up against the wall with his legs in front of him holding up the pad of paper, he noticed Laura beside him.  
  
“Do you need us to clear out so you can focus on the letter?” she asked kindly.  
  
David looked up at her, confident and at peace. “No, I want you guys here.”  
  
“Okay,” she said. “I’m really proud of you, by the way.”  
  
David’s smile grew, and he glanced down at the blank page in front of him before looking back up at her. “Thank you. I’m proud of me too.”  
  
Laura smiled softly, placing a loving hand on his shoulder before walking away. David looked back down at where his pen was poised at the top of the page, and without a moment more of hesitation, he began writing.   
  
— — —  
  
Matteo felt invincible as he walked down the stairs, his dearest friends following behind him. Each step made Matteo feel like he was getting closer and closer to the life he deserved. He didn’t think he had ever been happier.  
  
When they all reached the ground floor, Matteo stole a glance back at his friends. He saw their bright smiles and shining faces, and he could feel the pride radiating off of them. Their pride for him, though, was no match for the pride Matteo felt for himself when they reached his destination; the throne room.  
  
Matteo stared intently at the throne— gold, black, and detailed with brilliant red— as it sat vacant on the platform that held it above the ground. That throne used to scare him. It made him feel small, like he was going to drown in the darkness that he couldn’t help but feel was surrounding him.  
  
But as Matteo walked, one foot in front of the other, down the red rug that lined the pathway to the throne, Matteo had never felt more like he deserved to sit there. He felt like he belonged and like nothing could make him turn back around.  
  
And nothing did.  
  
When he reached the platform, he stepped up gracefully and turned around. Looking out with his gaze fixed somewhere above his friends, he took a deep breath. Then, he sat down.  
  
With his hands firm on the ends of the armrests, he felt the throne catching him and holding him up. He had never felt so powerful, but at the same time, he knew that he had been this powerful all along. He was just finally letting himself truly believe in his power.  
  
And it was absolutely exhilarating.  
  
So, exhilarating that even though he was trying to be as kingly as possible, he couldn’t stop the wide, dorky smile from appearing on his face as he laughed softly to himself. He bit his lip as he shook his head in awed disbelief, and then looked up to his friends.  
  
“Well, what are you waiting for? We have a kingdom to fix!” He called out. His heart swelled with warmth as he saw them all exchanging glances with smiles on their faces. Together, they all walked up to the throne, stopping a few steps away from Matteo.  
  
“What should we do first, your highness?” Hans asked, formally. Then friendlier, “And don’t you dare tell me to call you Matteo right now. You deserve to be called your highness.”  
  
“Yeah, that was badass,” Amira said. She looked so damn impressed that Matteo couldn’t help but smirk back at her.  
  
“It was, wasn’t it?” Matteo asked. Amira just rolled her eyes, not bothering to wipe the smile from her face.  
  
“But, seriously, what’s first?” Jonas asked, looking to Matteo with admiration.  
  
“First, I am going to denounce my grandfather’s homophobic decree,” Matteo said. “We’ll scrub it from the record and then I’ll make a new decree that says that Florenzia supports and values people of all sexualities and gender identities. And that we are going to be working hard to make Florenzia a great place to be queer by listening to the needs of the queer community. Hans, in the decree, I want to mention by name as many different identities as possible. Gay, lesbian, pansexual, trans; I am sure there are more and I want them all in there so that everyone in the queer community knows they have a place in Florenzia. We will have to take actions to make that true, but we will get there and this is where we start.”  
  
“That sounds wonderful,” Hans said. “We can start working on a draft this afternoon. And maybe develop a plan to help you come out, if you still want that.”  
  
“I do, yeah, that would be great,” Matteo said. “And, next, Lieutenant Adamczyk’s time in the palace is over. I’m done letting his intolerance and hate go unchecked. And I am certainly done letting him control me— and my family.” 

“That’s fantastic,” Jonas said. “There’s paperwork to be done, but your word is all we need to consider him officially fired. As of this moment, he no longer works for the Monarchy of Florenzia or as any such authority.”  
  
“Awesome,” Matteo said. “So, is my word also all we need to clear someone of criminal charges?”  
  
“Yeah, it is,” Jonas said, a smile coming to his face. “And I think you should definitely, definitely do that. No man worthy of you is also worthy of criminal charges.”  
  
“Thank you,” Matteo said. He let his smile linger on Jonas for a moment, before widening his gaze to all four of them. “Okay, then I officially declare that David Schreibner is clear of all the charges that have been brought upon him by the kingdom of Florenzia. He’s a free and innocent man.”  
  
“Yay!” Hanna said. “I am so proud of you, Matteo.”  
  
“Thank you,” Matteo said. “I mean, these things I’m doing are just the right thing to do. Like David— he deserves amnesty because he really isn’t a bad person and especially because he’s, like, one-third of the reason I’m up here making these changes, finally taking control of my life and my job as king. This wouldn’t be possible without him.”  
  
“I’m glad you said that he’s one-third of the reason,” Amira said. “Because you are definitely the other two thirds.” 

“Oh, no, you guys are the other third. It’s me, David and all of you,” Matteo said happily. Everyone smiled at him just as affectionately, but he only drank it in for a moment. “And speaking of numbers, number four. As soon as we get the decree out and make sure that all the paperwork gets filed and everyone in the royal guard knows to stop looking for David, I am going to visit my mom. I am going to tell her what I know about mental illness and I am going to invite her to live in the palace again.”  
  
“That’s amazing, Matteo,” Jonas said as everyone nodded.  
  
“Certainly. We’ll start planning the trip immediately,” Hans said.  
  
“Thanks. Wow, this feels great,” Matteo said. He loosened his body on the throne, getting even more comfortable there. “I know there is so much more to do, but this feels like a great start. I feel like I am actually cut out to be king.”  
  
“That’s because you are,” a voice said. But it wasn’t Hans or Jonas, Amira or Hanna.  
  
It was Sara.  
  
Matteo looked over at the entryway to the throne room, and there she was, hands behind her back and an unreadable look on her face. He had almost forgotten that he actually had a fifth thing to do— apologize to Sara.  
  
“Sara!” Matteo called out. The room was otherwise silently stunned as he stood up from the throne and tried to find the words to convey how deeply sorry he was.  
  
“Hi, Matteo,” she said, quieter and to just him as he rushed over to her.

“Sara, I am so, so sorry,” he said, breathlessly as he reached her. “Like, I don’t even know where to start, but, I fucked up.”  
  
“Yeah, you did. But I understand why you did what you did,” Sara said. She shrugged her shoulders just a little bit and her face looked bravely positive.  
  
“No, it’s unacceptable, how I treated you. You’re allowed to be mad out of your mind,” Matteo said. When Sara didn’t say anything in response, he looked to the side and let out a breath. “What can I do, Sara? How can I fix this?”  
  
“Maybe you can tell me the truth to my face,” she said. She still sounded calm, but Matteo appreciated the boldness behind her words.  
  
“Absolutely. I should have done that all along,” he said. He recentered his weight on his feet and looked up at Sara to see a tiny smile on her face. “Sara, I’m gay. For years, I have known that I would never be able to fall in love with a woman the way this royal life wants me too. I used to go back and forth all the time between just never marrying or letting myself fake it with a woman. But when I became king, I realized that the second option wouldn’t just allow me to please everyone, but also make this king feel less heavy. It’s not a burden that I have ever wanted to bear alone or even at all, so that’s really why I started the queen search. I wanted a partner. And you seemed like you would make a wonderful partner. But not for me, because, like I said, I’m gay. I thought maybe I could find a way to fake it, but I knew I never could. Especially not when there was someone else.”  
  
“David,” Sara said resolutely. He was surprised that her smile didn’t fade in the slightest.  
  
“Yeah, David,” Matteo said. “It was bad enough to string you along and make you think that there was ever a chance we could be together for real and be happy. But for me to do that while I was falling head over heels for someone that I really could be with and was so happy with? God, I’m an asshole.”  
  
“I don’t think you’re an asshole,” Sara said kindly. “I think you are a guy who is learning how to balance a great deal of things. And you messed up this time. But that doesn’t make you a bad person.”  
  
“Really?” Matteo asked. “So, you aren’t mad that I lied to you? And cheated on you with David? And that we will never be king and queen together?”  
  
“Well, when you put it like that it sounds pretty shitty,” Sara said laughing a bit. “But no. I’m a little sad. I’m definitely grieving something that I thought would be my future. But I want to be the bigger person here. See this from your perspective, from David’s perspective, from my actual perspective.”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
“Well, if I’m being honest,” Sara said. She sighed a little as her eyes wandered. “I’m not so sure I actually had feelings for you in the first place. I mean, we never really spent all that much time together, we were never more intimate than a handhold and I could tell you were never into it.”  
  
“So, not good at faking straight?” Matteo asked with a chuckle.  
  
“Not when you’re about to kiss a guy in the dungeon,” Sara said. Matteo bit the inside of his lip and looked down at the ground, a little embarrassed. But then Sara kept talking and he looked back up to her, listening carefully. “But it wasn’t just that. I don’t think I actually wanted to have feelings for you. There’s no one else or anything, but I think the idea of being queen was more appealing than you were. No offense. You’re great, just not for me. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to gain power or riches or anything like that. I think I wanted to impress my father. He’s always been cold and distant, disappointed in me for leaving Florenzia for school, judgmental of my passion for music. Without even realizing it, I think I went along with all of this to please him. Nothing would have made him happier than his little girl becoming queen of the kingdom he thinks she hates.”  
  
“Oh, wow. Yeah, he would have loved that,” Matteo said. He let Sara's truth settle on him, and it was silent for a moment until he was hit with a thought. “Um, Sara, I feel like I should tell you that I just fired your dad. Like, we’ll make sure you and your mom and your siblings are financially stable and all that, but your dad—”  
  
“Is the worst?” Sara asked. Matteo held his breath, waiting for her to finish, which she did with a laugh. “Yeah, he really is.”  
  
He let go of a laugh with her and they shared in the moment until Matteo caught his breath again and looked up at her with a satisfied smile. “I’m really happy you came here today, Sara. I’m glad to hear that this thing between us didn’t break either one of us. Maybe we can actually be friends or something.”  
  
“Yeah, I’d like that. But, Matteo, I actually had another reason for visiting,” she said. Matteo tilted his head expectantly as she gathered her courage to continue. “I actually know David.”  
  
“You what?” Matteo asked. He could feel his mouth go dry and his muscles begin to tingle under his skin.

“I’ve only hung out with him a few times. We just have a mutual best friend— Leonie, I’ve mentioned her.”  
  
“So has he. Holy fuck, you guys have the same best friend?” Matteo asked. He brought a hand up to his forehead as he processed. He pushed the hair there and felt the crown shift on his head. “Oh, shit, I bet she has very complicated feelings about me.”   
  
“It’s a small world, isn’t it?” Sara asked, bypassing Matteo's statement. He didn’t know how to take that, but he tried to focus on staying calm as Sara spoke. “But anyways, she came by my house this afternoon, and we had a bit of a talk. About a lot of stuff, not just you and David. But she did remind me that I don’t want to be a person who lives with grudges or enemies. Also, she did say, and I quote ‘At least Matteo cheated on you with his soulmate.’ Which, yeah, she makes a good point.”  
  
“Soulmate?” Matteo asked. He could feel his eyes lighting up with some kind of hope and his mouth stayed open even after the precious word came out.   
  
“I’ll let David speak for himself,” Sara said. She moved her arms from behind her back, and there in her hands was an envelope that she presented to Matteo.  
  
Matteo lost his breath as he saw it, immediately recognizing his name in the small, pointy handwriting that was intrinsically David. His hands started moving to grab it on instinct, but he looked up to Sara, almost as if to ask if this was actually real. She nodded kindly and Matteo looked back down to the envelope. With the most tender care, he took the envelope and held it in his hands.  
  
Heart beating loud, strong, and fast in his chest, he gently tore open the envelope and turned around as he pulled out three sheets of paper. He took a deep breath and smiled purely as he read the first line and every line after that.  


> My dearest Matteo,  
>    
> I have so much I want to say to you. I could wax poetic about you and all the light that you have brought to my life forever. And if you let me, I will. But in this moment, there are a few things I want you to hear from me, loud and clear.  
>    
> Matteo, I want to be with you. I want you in my life more than I have ever wanted anything. It’s you, Matteo. You are the person I am meant to spend my life with. I have known this in my bones since the moment we met. My body knew before I did, my heart knew before my mind did, and my mind knew before it was ready to.  
>    
> Leaving you was the worst mistake I have ever made. I give to you my sincerest apology now and a million times over. There will never be enough words in the universe to express to you how much pain stepping away from you has brought me. But I can say this— that pain is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I imagine how much pain I have put you through. You are the most incredible person I have ever met and will ever meet. You do not deserve the darkness the world has given you, and I am so sorry for the part I have played in that darkness. But I swear that if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life bringing you all the light you deserve.  
>    
> And I can only do this because of you. I would not be sitting here in my bed, my friends and family surrounding me and peace in my soul, if it weren’t for you. This week has been hard, but it has been a labor of self-love and growth that has started thanks to you. I want to tell you every single that has happened to me this week and I hope that someday soon, I will have the chance to share every moment of this week of healing with you.  
>    
> Of the lessons I have learned, perhaps the most important is that though the world is dark, there are rays of light that cut through the darkness if we let them. For so long, I have not let this light into my life. I have run from it, I have been too shrouded in darkness to see it, I have been too afraid to feel the light on my skin only to lose it. But I have learned that we all have the power within us to make the world full of radiant, beautiful light if we only capitalize on the light within us. And on the light of those around us. I want to let your light show me the light that makes up our world.  
>    
> Matteo, I am a work in progress. I have grown and learned. I have developed to the point where I can whole heartily promise you that if you give me a chance to be in your life, I will never leave you again. But there is a human fear in me that may never go away. But I am done letting it rule my life. I want to rule my life. I want to let you rule my life. I can promise you that if we live our lives together, I may be scared, I may look for danger around every corner, I may keep my guard up around everyone, but I will never keep my guard up around you again, I will always stand by your side and I will put the necessary work in on myself so that I can be the best, truest version of David Schreibner there is.  
>    
> And while I know I am strong enough to do this work on my own, I don’t want to. I could depend on just myself, on just my family, on just my friends. But, Matteo, you are my person. Just by being in my life as just who you are, you make my life better. You make me better. You show me that there is always hope. You teach me that there is light if you look for it. You make me believe in things I never thought I could believe in. Things like possibly, joy, pure goodness. Love.  
>    
> So, with all that being said, I don’t want to live this life without you. You are the missing piece I have been searching for every day. I sincerely hope that you will forgive me, come back to me and trust me enough to light up my world once again.  
>    
> But I understand if you need time. If you don’t want to be with me at all. And I will respect that. I know that we live in a complicated web of royalty and pressures and expectations and rules and injustices. I wish I could tear it all down and make this easy for us— for everyone like us. But I can’t.  
>    
> All I can do is promise you that no matter what, I will be there for you. I will work harder than I have ever worked to be the partner you need. I will push when you need to be pushed. I will hold you when you need to be held. I will fight for you when you are unable to fight for yourself. I will empower you to do the fighting for yourself because I know you are capable of more than the world gives you credit for. I will not just accept you for who you are, but cherish you for it. I will do whatever it takes to make you feel joy, because that is what I want for you. I want you to open yourself up to the world and I want to watch with pride as both you and the world realize what I have known since day one; you are exceptional. I want you to find the answer you have been seeking your whole life, I want you to discover the light that has kept you moving all these years and I want to be a part of both of those journeys.  
>    
> I want us to walk our journeys together. Because, for fear of redundancy, I have grown, but I am still working on my journey. I still don’t know how this is all going to work and I still have moments where that uncertainty scares me to death. But frankly, the thought of living without you scares me more.  
>    
> Like I said, please take your time and do what is best for you, but if you can, please come find me. Come to my house. Send one of your friends to bring me to the palace. Mail me a letter back. For all I care, you can write your answer to me in the stars for everyone to see. I trust you, Matteo. So, please, crash into me again— keep pulling me along and lighting me up like only you can.  
>    
> I hope to hear from you soon. But if these are my last words to you, let them be this.  
>    
> Whatever you do from here on out, do it earnestly and do it proudly. Wear your heart on your sleeve, listen to your gut, and do not be afraid to speak your mind. You are more brilliant than you know. You have it within you to light up the entire world.  
>    
> Never forget how powerful you are, my dear.  
>    
> Yours,   
> David 

  
Matteo was entirely speechless as he read and reread the final line of the letter. The words still echoing in his mind, he dropped his hands to his side, holding the letter between his fingers like the delicately life-changing gift that it was.  
  
_“Never forget how powerful you are, my dear.”_ It was all he could think as he processed David’s letter. He didn’t need words in his mind to understand what this all meant for him. Or to know what he had to do. He could feel the two tasks in front of him coursing through every inch of his body before they could even manifest into coherent thoughts.  
  
“Well, what does it say?” Jonas asked. His voice snapped Matteo back to the reality of the throne room. There was anxious and excited anticipation rushing over his shoulders from his friends behind him, but he didn’t let it stop him.  
  
“I have to go,” Matteo said. He turned around to face everyone, quickly folding the letter and putting it back into the envelope.  
  
“To David?” Hanna asked, a glimmer of hopeful elation in her voice.  
  
“Yeah, David. He’s ready,” Matteo said. He overflowed with joy as he heard the words come out of his mouth. Everyone stared back at him with so much delight and pride. Matteo closed his eyes as he let the moment wash over him. But then a realization crashed down on him. “Shit, I don’t have the paintbrush anymore. How am I going to find him?”  
  
Matteo stuffed the letter into his pocket, feeling nervous energy takeover him as his thumbnail flew to his mouth.  
  
“Hey, no, it’s okay,” Sara said. She stepped up to him and Matteo dropped his hand from his mouth as he looked up at her. “I know where David lives. I can take you there.”  
  
“Thank you,” Matteo said, so relieved. “Let’s go.”  
  
With that, Sara nodded, Matteo’s friends cheered with send-offs of encouragement and Matteo ran after Sara to go find David, determination, assurance, and power lighting his path.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I am planning on taking next week off in order to ensure that the final two chapters are the best they can be and ready to go! So, I’ll see you all on June 8 for Chapter 17 and June 15 for Chapter 18! :) 
> 
> Thanks again and take care!


	17. Our Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> Let’s just dive into the penultimate chapter, why don’t we? :)
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> Much love and happy reading!

With Laura washing dishes, Linn drying them, Abdi and Carlos gathering their things to leave and David wiping down the dining table, it was a fairly mundane moment in the Schreibner house. The only two things that made it unprecedented were Leonie’s absence for the sake of David’s letter and the way David’s skin felt entirely alive.  
  
The repetitive circular motions of cleaning the table comforted David as he acquainted himself with the fluttery feeling in his chest, the pounding at his pulse point, and the irrepressible shy smile that came to his face every time he remembered why nervous excitement ripple through his thick skin. _Matteo’s going to read my letter._  
  
David knew there was a chance the letter wouldn’t reach him. Even if he did receive it, he could refuse to read it or respond. David could feel the negative possibilities in the pit of his stomach. He could even hear them ringing out in his mind from time to time. But he didn’t let them stay there.  
  
Shaking his head and breathing out, David stepped around a chair and started wiping down the next area of the table. _Whatever happens, I’m going to give Matteo the time he needs, my family the gratitude they have earned and myself the grace I deserve. No matter what happens. I wish I knew what was going to happen. But I don’t and I can’t wait to find out._  
  
“Okay, man,” Carlos said. David looked up from the table. Over by the beds, Carlos pulled on his grey jacket and Abdi stood ready to go with a paper bag of leftover shakshuka. “We’re going to head back to the shop, so you just hang in ther—”  
  
David didn’t hear the rest of Carlos’ sentence. He wasn’t even sure that Carlos had finished it. All he could be sure of was the sound of an axe crushing through the front door, exploding into the house.  
  
Abdi and Carlos shouted as they ducked to avoid the splintered wood that flew in their direction and Laura screamed as she dropped a plate. Frozen from the neck down, David snapped his head around to see her fall to the ground with the broken plate as Linn rushed to her.  
  
David turned his head back to the front and cast his eyes down to the table as the world slowed around him. He knew. He knew exactly what was happening. _They’ve come for me._  
  
The scratching and smashing against their shattering front door faded into a ringing in David’s ears. From the inside out, his entire body speed in a race towards fiery hot. There was no calling a winner. There couldn’t be, not when, all at once, his flesh consumed itself with heat, his chest constricted to breathlessness, his mouth filled with the strangely acidic taste of dry and his blood burned as it rushed through his veins. It was a million-way tie for dead last; every part of David lost in that moment.  
  
Every part except his mind. His mind was clear and holistically aware in a way that made the terror flooding his body feel like the purest form of vindication.  
  
_I don’t want to die. I want to live and love and thrive and be happy. I am finally ready to have my life, truly have it. And now they’re here to take that away from me. And, fuck, I don’t want that._  
  
_Wow,_ David thought as a content smile clawed its way through his tense muscles and up to his mouth. _I really do believe a better tomorrow is waiting for me, don’t I? Won’t be this afraid to die if I didn’t. I really am ready._  
  
One final crash of the axe through the door broke into David’s consciousness, reigniting the fear in his body. Then, a loud, booming voice from outside the house brought David all the way back to reality; his smile vanished, his scenes sharpened, and his terror concentrated into strength.  
  
“David Schreibner!” Lieutenant Adamczyk shouted. “You can’t run forever!”  
  
Upon hearing the word run, David swiftly threw down the towel, shoved a chair out of the way, and started running. Feet light and breath rapid, David’s world slowed again. He focused all his energy on beelining to the backdoor. In doing so, he noticed all that was around him— guards pouring in through the jagged doorframe, Laura gasping for air on the floor, Linn kneeling beside her, Abdi and Carlos struggling to fight off the guards, and Lieutenant Adamczyk footsteps as he thundered into the house.  
  
Then, the clank of metal armor over David’s shoulder as he neared the drafting table and the almost tangible presence of a guard ready to tackle him from behind.  
  
David didn’t even have to think about changing his course, he just did.  
  
He turned towards the kitchen, then pivoted. Feet first, he slid down behind the drafting table. He looked up and saw a guard coming towards him from the other side, blocking his path to the backdoor. He scrambled up to his knees, grabbed a box of miscellaneous art supplies, and hurled it at the guard. The guard recoiled back, thrown off just enough for David to hop to his feet and make it to the door.  
  
David took a large breath when he reached the door and turned the knob with all his strength. As he began to pull the door open, he felt it coming towards him with the force of someone pushing from the other side.  
  
David threw his hand up and stepped back just fast enough to narrowly avoid being hit by the door as it swung open. Two guards charged into the house, swords already drawn and eyes on David. He turned around. Two more guards came at him from inside the house.  
  
David looked to his left; Laura’s bed blocked his path. He looked right; another guard stood on the other side of the drafting table.  
  
A dizzying fit of hopelessness twisted around his heart; he was surrounded from all sides.  
  
His feet grew heavy and his fists clenched at his sides. His body was ready to dig in to the moment with the fighting spirit that was laced into his essence from years of needing it to survive.  
  
But David saw the scattered art supplies on the floor. He saw the sharp tips of swords pointing right at him. He saw Abdi and Carlos breathing heavily with their arms held behind their backs by yet more guards. He heard Laura’s muffled cries from the kitchen. He heard Linn’s loving, fearful whispers. He saw the look of no mercy on Lieutenant Adamczyk’s face.  
  
And he knew. There was no way out that didn’t end in disastrous consequences for him and his family. _No way but surrender._  
  
David unclenched his hands and let his eyelids flutter over his eyes as he looked down. He took a steady breath, then gracefully dropped to his knees and raised his arms in surrender.  
  
The hardness of the floor pressed against his raw knees and the air around him settled against his still skin. Then, he looked up at the guards in front of him. He saw confusion flash across their faces, but they lowered their swords nonetheless.  
  
From behind him, he heard the familiar rattle of chains. David looked down again, swallowing hard and fighting half-formed tears as he felt the cold metal encircling his wrists and locking into place.  
  
The guards in front of him moved to the side and heavy footsteps sauntered over to him. Any and all tears inside David dried at the sound.   
  
David glared up at Lieutenant Adamczyk with venom in his eyes that seeped into his voice. “I wish I could say it was a pleasure to see you again, but I wouldn’t want to make myself a liar.”  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk just stepped closer, pointing his sword down at David with an intentional casualness that made David laugh to himself.  
  
“I don’t know how you managed to destroy the David Schreibner file in the records room,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. David clenched his jaw and bit his tongue. _There never was one. You people don’t acknowledge the existence of trans people in this kingdom, let alone allow us to change our records._ “But you should have also destroyed the Laura Schreibner file,” Lieutenant Adamczyk continued. “Once we realized you had lied to us about being from Clarence City, it wasn’t hard to make the connection.”  
  
“I never lied. You never cared to ask me where I was from,” David said. _Matteo asked me. He never made assumptions and he always cared._ As David’s mind played back memories of that day— the two of them laughing together as David regaled Matteo with the mildest of stories about his life and his family— David was hit with a sudden reminder; he was not alone in the slightest, even with chains on his wrists and sword in pointed at him. David looked up, ready with fighting words that were comforting arms around his shoulders but fiery arrows through Lieutenant Adamczyk’s heart. “Matteo will never let you get away with this.”  
  
“If I ever hear you say his name again—” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. He stepped forward, sword mere inches away from David’s chest.  
  
“What? You’ll kill me?” David spit back. Eyes wild and daring he scowled up at Lieutenant Adamczyk. The silence rang out through the house. Lieutenant Adamczyk stared down at him with noxious disdain, the sword at David’s chest trembling as David narrowed his eyes.  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk let out a quick breath and took a step back. He lifted the sword, barely missing David’s cheek. “The arena is filling as we speak,” he said, restrained and bitter. “The stake is ready. The torch will be lit soon enough.”  
  
As he plunged his sword back into his scabbard, David saw motion out of the corner of his eye; Linn silently sneaking out of the kitchen, knife in her expert hand. David smiled wickedly. Even as Lieutenant Adamczyk stared down at him with intense bloodlust, David felt safe.  
  
A strange peace washed over him; peace with himself, his life, his future, and the delicately balanced majesty that was contained within it all. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting the trust shower over him. _They will catch me. The crew. My friends. My family. Matteo._  
  
He opened his eyes, profound resolve and calm power pouring out from his dilated pupils. Each muscle in his body relaxed and his heart steadied to a calm rhythm. Like never before, David felt entirely collected into one being, a being who knew how to move forward with the courage and confidence of the sun.  
  
“Try your hardest,” David said fiercely. “You’ll still never win.”  
  
“We’ll see about that,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. He turned away from David, looking to the guards that stood throughout the house. “Let’s go.”  
  
The four guards surrounded David once again, placing firm and intrusive hands on his body. But even as their fingers dug in and they lifted him to his feet, David remained composed. Standing again, he felt them pushing and pulling, trying to move him forward. He didn’t step forward willingly. He simply let them walk across the house, his body peaceful dead weight, all it needed to be in that moment.  
  
He looked to Abdi and Carlos as he approached them. They stood helpless and crestfallen in the grasp of guards. With his eyes, David tried to send them a bit of the serenity that trickled through his soul.  
  
As David and his guards passed by, the guard holding Abdi looked across the house to Lieutenant Adamczyk. “What about these two? And the crying woman? The lady with the knife?”  
  
David glanced over his shoulder and watched as Linn stopped dead in her tracks, defeated as she lowered her knife.  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk huffed out a scoff. “Let them go. They are nothing without David.”  
  
Shuddering at the falsity, David turned his head forward as he and the guards neared the wreckage that was their front door. In his peripheral vision, he saw the guards let go of a distraught Abdi and Carlos. But he had to close his eyes when he heard Laura scramble up from the kitchen floor. He heard Linn drop her knife and catch Laura in her arms, holding her back from going too far into dangerous territory.  
  
“David! Stop! Please!” she called out desperately. David shut his eyes tighter as the guards pushed him out of the house. “You can’t do this to him! He’s my only family!”  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk and the guards ignored her but David felt the screams deep in his heart. He took a deep breath, maintaining his calm and evoking the leadership that lived within him. He turned halfway around in the guards’ arms and let his words fly.  
  
“You’re not nothing without me and we’re all a family! A family that will survive this together!” David shouted into the house. He caught a glimpse of everyone walking towards him, a sliver of determination blooming between them all. The guards tried to pull David back around, but he struggled against them as they walked and he let out one last shout. “Prove my trust right!”  
  
With the words still swimming in the air, the guards forcefully pushed David onto the back of a cart. Before long, David was chained to the wooden floor of the cart with guards walking alongside as a mule pulled him down the side road that led directly to the arena. Lieutenant Adamczyk, of course, led the charge as he repeatedly shouted, loud and spiteful, “There will be an execution of a treasonist at the arena! The king requests your presence!”   
  
— — —  
  
All Matteo wanted was to reach David, so with Sara leading him through Clarence City, he ran like hell. He truly wasn’t a runner— he hadn’t even run when he went after David the first time. But this was different.  
  
This time, self-understanding, self-acceptance, and self-love rested in his soul and Matteo knew more than ever that those same principles rained down on him from his community. This time, Matteo knew he would have a beautiful future with or without David, but also that David wanted him just as much as he wanted David. This time, it was clear that their future together was ripe for the taking if Matteo could only reach out and grab it. This time, Matteo knew that he had everything he needed to just that; the power, strength, and courage were in him.   
  
So, he ran.   
  
Sara was a few steps ahead, but Matteo kept a steady pace behind her as they sprinted through the city. His breathing was inconsistent, his head a little sore from the motion, and his senses painfully aware of everything around him. But he didn’t care. It was worth it. His body didn’t even seem mad; it took the unpracticed action in stride as if it knew how important this was. _It does know. Of course it knows._  
  
That thought— that connection between his mind and his body— brought a smile to his lips. But as he and Sara pushed on, past the town square and into the area of surrounding multistory businesses and homes, his smile faded.  
  
He had been noticing something strange about the people they passed, but with so much going on within him and around him, Matteo hadn’t been able to process enough to comprehend the things he saw. All around him, people ran, but in the opposite direction. They seemed excited and anticipation was in the air. Some ran alone, but those in groups eagerly spoke to each other with words like “arena” and “the king’s request” and “they shouted it in the streets” and “justice” and “burn.”   
  
Matteo scrunched his face in thought as he tried to understand what the words meant in the context of each other. There was still a bit of fog in his mind from the episode he had almost forgotten about but was pretty sure he was still in the midst of. 

He nearly tripped on a misplaced cobblestone, feeling his anxiety spike for a moment as he slowed his pace and recovered his balance.  
  
“Sara?” he called out breathlessly. “I need help.”  
  
“We can slow down if you need to,” Sara said. She looked back at him as she ran. “We’re a little over halfway there!”  
  
“No, that’s not—” Matteo said. He shook his head as he stopped running and caught his breath. Sara stopped too and glanced back at him with concern. “Why is, um, why is everyone running in the other direction?”  
  
Sara looked around, and Matteo watched her nervously. His breathing didn’t get any easier even as he stood still. His lungs ached and he felt his brow furrowing above his eyes as they stung.  
  
A gaggle of enthusiastic preteens ran by them on one side and a pair of middle-aged women in aprons walked by on the other. As both groups chattered, Matteo heard the words “treason” and “morbid curiosity” ring out. By the look of worry on Sara’s face, she heard them too.

“I don’t think we shouldn’t slow down,” she said.  
  
Matteo bit at the inside of his lip and snapped his eyes up to meet hers. He couldn’t think of any words to say, so he just started running again. Sara was quick to follow suit. Their footsteps felt louder to Matteo and somehow easier. _My body knows. Something’s wrong._  
  
Matteo and Sara were just about to reach what he recognized as David’s neighborhood when he heard voices calling out their names.  
  
“Sara! King Matteo!” a female voice shouted. He and Sara both looked over. In front of what Matteo saw to be a metal shop was a young woman their age with honey blonde braids, a bow in her hands, and a quiver on her back. She looked intimidating and insistent as she waved them down.  
  
Next to her was a guy with dark brown hair wearing a grey jacket over a white t-shirt. His face looked kind and a bit frantic, but he was holding a mace as he shouted to them. “Hey! Over here!”  
  
Matteo looked over to Sara, feeling even more worried. The fact that he— the king— had just run out of the palace unattended suddenly seemed like a bad choice. _But where were all the guards? No one even tried to stop us. Or allowed us to go alone like that one guard did last time._  
  
Sara must not have been worried because she started running towards the metal shop. Matteo swallowed his nerves as he followed her.  
  
“I think ‘over here’ was implied, Carlos,” the young woman snapped as they approached. The guy, who must have been Carlos, just rolled his eyes and shook his head. Then, he looked up at Matteo and Sara as they reached them. 

“Leonie, what is happening?” Sara asked.  
  
_Leonie. Sara’s best friend. And David’s best friend. Wait, David said he worked at a metal shop. This must be the one. Maybe Carlos is one of those friends he works with. They’ve gotta both be in the revolution too. And shit they have weapons. They either want to kill me or—_  
  
“What happened to David?” Matteo asked. He felt confident asking the question, back straight and eyes forward, but his voice came out shaky and desperate. He wasn’t even that surprised. He could feel the dread and panic shooting at him from all angles.  
  
Leonie and Carlos both opened their mouth to speak, and Matteo leaned in to hear their answer, but then he saw half a dozen or so people running right towards them. Spooked, Matteo stepped back and Leonie and Carlos turned around to look.  
  
“We got everyone!” an excited guy in a dark red shirt shouted as he ran towards them. He seemed to be leading the charge, and to Matteo’s surprise, he actually recognized some of the people that ran behind him. There was Mia, Sam, and Lady Kiki who he had most recently seen at the queen search, but also the heir to Hardenberg Gold whose name he couldn’t remember despite having met him a few times. The only people he didn’t know were a guy with a stoic face in a turtleneck, a guy with his hair pulled back into a bun, and the spirited leader of the pack himself. “I went to Sam first. It took most of her energy, but she used her magic to help get everyone here, which was a shock to Markus over here who didn’t even know that magic was— oh my god,” he exclaimed. He stopped running right in front of where Matteo stood, stunned. “King Matteo! You’re here! And Sara! You gave him the letter, right? How was it, King Matteo? Or can we just call you Matteo now that you’re dating our friend?”  
  
“Abdi, calm down, you’re scaring the guy,” Carlos said, putting a hand on Abdi’s shoulder.  
  
Matteo let out a shaky breath as he looked down and felt the letter burning in his pocket. _This must be David’s whole crew. There are so many of them. But David isn’t here. Fuck._  
  
Matteo's thoughts were interrupted by a figure in all black who he saw out of the corner of his eye. The figure had an arm draped around Laura, who Matteo recognized. Together, they came out of the metal shop carrying numerous weapons.  
  
He looked up at them, hope swelling within him. But as they tossed the weapons down in front of the group Abdi had brought, Matteo realized that the figure wasn’t David and Laura looked like she had been crying.  
  
Matteo felt restless energy circulate around his body and his eyes closed in defense against the feeling. Before he knew it, he was shouting.  
  
“Can someone please explain to me what the fuck is happening?” Matteo asked. He felt attacked by the way his words came out like a desperate scream mixed with a crying whimper, but at the same time, it filled him with validation. He sounded exactly like he felt inside and it seemed to get the attention of Leonie.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes as she stepped up to him. She held tight to the bow in her hands. In her eyes, Matteo saw a hurricane, focused and ready to unleash her power however she saw fit.  
  
“Okay, here’s the deal,” Leonie said clear and pointed. “David has been taken by Lieutenant Adamczyk.”  
  
Matteo bit down on his lip, gripped the fabric of his pants by his sides, and squinted eyes shut. _No. This can’t be happening. No. We can’t let this happen. No, we have to— how did this even— he can’t — no. No. We can’t let this be the end. No way._   
  
“I was there when it happened,” Carlos said. He sounded calm and Matteo opened his eyes. “We all tried out best, but David knew we were at a dead-end. David did the right thing. None of us got hurt, not even him. Though, Lieutenant Adamczyk did make his plans for the arena pretty clear.”  
  
“But we are not going to let that bastard kill David,” Leonie said, putting a hand in front of Carlos’ chest to stop him.  
  
“Hell no we’re not,” Matteo said aggressively. He wasn’t used to that sort of bite coming from his mouth, but it felt right. His body settled into the feeling of righteous rage and unstoppable determination. His eyes opened wider and his feet felt one with the ground below him.  
  
“Exactly,” Carlos said. “David is depending on us right now more than ever.”  
  
“Which is why we came here to get the full crew together and arm ourselves,” Leonie said. She raised her eyebrows and looked at him expectantly. She trusted the bow in his direction as if she was handing it to him. “You’re in, right?”  
  
Matteo looked down at the bow between them, then the back up at Leonie. There was fire in his eyes and grit in his voice like never before.  
  
“Of course I am. My soulmate is about to be killed and I’m not about to stand idly by. It’s time to fight like hell,” Matteo said. Leonie smirked at him and Matteo could feel the excitement radiating off everyone there outside the metal shop. But then his mind caught up with him, moving faster than he was used to, and the words started pouring out. “But we don’t need all these weapons. I’ve already fired Lieutenant Adamczyk and cleared David’s charges. This execution is illegal, so we just have to get there and stop it. Which I can do in like one word. But not if David is already dead. So, we gotta run. Like now.”  
  
It was silent for a moment. Then another. Then, Leonie turned to everyone. “You heard the king! Run!”  
  
Matteo broke out into a proud smile as everyone started running towards the arena. He took a large breath, preparing his body for the run. There wasn’t a single part of him that minded having to run all the way back to the palace, which was right next to the arena. He just let his smile turn to a smirk, turned around, and took off.  
  
The sound of their 24 feet rumbling the ground of the city was music to his ears, but it couldn’t drown out the melody of _we can’t let this happen. We won’t let this happen. We have to get there in time. We have to. We will. Run. Faster. We won’t let this happen. I won’t let this happen. Not now. Not ever. Run. Faster._  
  
And he did run faster. By the time the crew reached the road that led right up to the castle wall, Matteo found himself at the front with Leonie and Laura.  
  
Matteo wasn’t even out of breath. His lungs burned, but in a good way, a way that made him feel alive and in control. There was a sense of power in the space between his bones that cushioned his joints as he ran, feet hard against the pavement. The power pushed him forward, as did the determined love and passion that clouded the air around the crew. Then, of course, there was also the image of David’s radiant smile in Matteo’s mind, the phantom feeling of David’s embrace on his limbs, the longing in his heart to hold David closer than ever before and the feeling in Matteo’s gut that he knew translated to _I won’t lose him._  
  
When they reached the castle wall, ready to take a swift turn to the right towards the arena, Matteo’s determination doubled. _I’ll be damned if I never get to see him paint again. Never smile again. Never laugh again. Never look at me with those eyes again. Never— fuck, we are so close—_  
  
“Matteo! Matteo!” a desperate voice called out. _Jonas. Since when is he with us?_  
  
Matteo abruptly stopped. He looked over and saw Jonas, Hanna, Amira, and Hans emerging from the gate in the castle wall. The rest of the crew stopped behind him, watching as Matteo’s friends frantically ran towards them.   
  
“Lieutenant Adamczyk has David!” Hanna yelled.  
  
“He found his address,” Amira shouted. “He’s been secretly preparing for his execution at the arena all day! We have to go now!”  
  
Then, practically all at once, the crew shouted back, “We know!”  
  
Matteo’s friends stopped running and looked at the crew a little stunned. Matteo just rolled his eyes. “We don’t have time to explain. Come on!”  
  
Matteo set off running, first this time. He dared to glance back and saw everyone running behind him. He turned his head back to the front, too forward-focused and nervous to smile at the collective support in the air behind him. He couldn’t even smile at how the risk of turning around had paid off; he had gotten a reminder of how much love he and David had in their lives, instead of losing his balance.  
  
All Matteo could do was keep running, shudder at the roar of the crowd in the nearing arena, and hope that the risk he was about to take would also pay off.   
  
— — —  
  
Still chained to the cart with his arms restrained behind his back, David arrived in the arena. He had known from the moment Lieutenant Adamczyk mentioned the arena that his impending execution would be a show. The rapidly filling stands that erupted into shouts when the cart entered the arena made it even clearer; David’s death was to be a spectacle with innumerable spectators.  
  
As the cart rode in slow over the patchy green and brown grass, David looked up in horror at the howling crowd that encircled him. His stomach turned over, but not from fear. David was disgusted at his fellow Florenzians who took his public execution in stride. He could hear the enthusiasm in their voices, he could see the attentiveness in their faces and he could feel the morbid anticipation in the cool autumn breeze.   
  
David clenched his jaw and looked down at the slatted wood of the cart beneath him as the sun beat down on the top of his head.  
  
_They don’t know me. They don’t know the truth of this situation, my work, or who I am as a person. They are being belittled and manipulated into thinking my death is deserved, that it will be just and even fun for them. If only someone would empower them to stand up for themselves, their beliefs, their agency. If someone would remind them of their own humanity and common kindness and bring that out in them. It’s in them, but no one has ever allowed them to be anything but loyalists who want to see a treasonist burn. Don’t let the faults of those at the top make you hate those who are victims of it. They can be more. We just have to give them the space to. If you give people the space to grow, expect the best of them and push them to actually do the work, they will rise. Maybe not all of them, but enough of them to make a difference. I have to believe that. We have to start there._  
  
The cart came to an abrupt stop and David looked up. In front of him was a platform that stood a few feet off the ground and was surrounded by more guards. On its right side, there was a tall wooden stake with a carefully arranged mound of firewood around it.  
  
Before David could notice anything else, the guards who had brought him to the arena descended upon the cart. They grabbed him from all sides, unlocked the chain around his waist and thrust him onto the platform.  
  
David felt a moment of freedom and his mind speed up as he tried to get to his feet. But by the time he was standing again, he felt cold metal on the skin of his ankles, pushing up his pants. He tried to take a step forward but felt an immense impossibility holding him in place.  
  
He looked over his shoulder; shackled to each of his ankles was a ball and chain. The roof of his mouth tingled with warm pain and his muscles tensed as a restless rage washed over his body. He was trapped; immobile and entirely confided.  
  
David looked back to the front, nostrils flaring and eyes narrow, as Lieutenant Adamczyk approached the platform with a lit torch and chains flung over his shoulder.  
  
“Who is ready to see this treasonist burn? His crimes against Florenzia and King Matteo will no longer go unpunished!”  
  
His voice boomed and echoed as the crowd cheered. He climbed the steps up to the platform, handed the torch to a guard standing near the stake, and looked over to David, absolutely thrilled.  
  
Mustering all his physical strength and suaveness, David took a small step forward, dragging the immensely heavy iron balls behind him just a few inches. He suppressed a grunt of pain and looked up at Lieutenant Adamczyk.   
  
“What? Is this all you got?” David shouted. He rattled his arms behind his back. “All you have to restrain me and weigh me down?”  
  
“It’s all we need,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said, walking over to David. “You only have two fighting techniques. Your mind— which isn’t going to get you out of this one.”  
  
“I wouldn’t underestimate me if I were you,” David said. His voice held bite and his body tensed with the challenge to fight. If only Lieutenant Adamczyk knew how physically skilled David’s life and passions had made him.  
  
“And running. It’s all you ever seem to do,” Lieutenant Adamczyk. David just laughed softly to himself, biting his lip and looking to the side. “With those things shackled to your ankles, you are never going to run again.”  
  
“At least we agree on one thing,” David said. Lieutenant Adamczyk just stared at him, dismayed and confused. David took another minuscule step forward, not minding the strain on his ankles as he felt fire coming out of his mouth. “You really never have understood me, have you? And that’s fine. Good even. The only thing you need to understand is that you are making about a million mistakes right now. For starters, why have you not shut me up? I know every word I say sends a jolt of hatred and disgust down your spine. So, why no rag in my mouth, hand on my neck? Hell, why don’t you just grab that sword of yours and slit my throat right now? Don’t want the blood on your hands? I know that feeling. That feeling is the foundation of my revolution! Our revolution!” David shouted. He looked up at the crowd, turning the best he could to see them all as they looked down at him with uncertainty and fear on their faces. “You all don’t have to let people like him win!”  
  
“You think you are so smart,” Lieutenant Adamczyk said. He leaned in ever closer and David put his eyes back on him, feeling a bit enclosed upon. “But the more you shout, the more they all know how vile you are. More fuel for our fire.”   
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk gestured over to the burning torch, the firewood, and the stake. A lump grew in David’s throat. He felt fear creeping up from his toes, making a home in his muscles as they tensed even harder and landing in his mind as his thoughts raced.  
  
_I don’t want to die. I really don’t. Fuck. Why is my heart beating so fast? Fuck!  
  
Just breath. Calm. In and out.  
  
It’s just fear. It’s natural. I’m supposed to be afraid of dying. This is good. This is growth. It’s okay. I can feel the fear and be comfortable with it because I trust that this isn’t the end. They will catch me. I have the most incredible people in my life. They will catch me.  
  
Ha, and if they don’t—  
  
I’m on my team too. The last thing I am is totally helpless, even now. I can get myself out of this. Or at least buy us time. I know what I’m doing. I’m David Schreibner for crying out loud. _  
  
David stood with his back straighter and refocused his eyes on Lieutenant Adamczyk “Well, what are you waiting for?” David asked, snide. _Walk the line. Get under his skin just enough to aggravate his ego but not so much that he snaps._ “More people to show up and watch this go down? I don’t know why you’d want more people here to see you ruin your reputation, but—”   
  
“This will only improve my reputation!” Lieutenant Adamczyk shouted, just like David knew he would. David’s lip turned up into a smug smirk. “These people are loyal to their king! To the light he and his family have brought them! They all want to see the treasonist who smeared his name and corrupted him—”   
  
“Oh, I corrupted no one,” David said. His voice was vigorously quick and defensive. He felt that overwhelming fervor of protectiveness come over him and it showed in his dark eyes and almost effortless step forward. But he only let it overtake him just enough to keep Matteo’s humanity safe and to rile up Lieutenant Adamczyk at the same time. “You don’t get about him like that. Like you understand him in the slightest. Like you are killing me for his sake!”  
  
“What are you going to do about it?” Lieutenant Adamczyk shouted. He stepped forward, just inches away from David now.  
  
“These people are loyal to their king, so they will turn on you!” David said. “Matteo is never going to let this happen. And even if you succeed in killing me today, you will never get away with this. He will make sure everyone knows how horrific you are, what you did to his mother, to him, to the man he—”  
  
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence! I don’t want to hear it!”  
  
“So afraid of what you don’t understand!” David shouted. Lieutenant Adamczyk grunted and turned around. He wiped his face and breathed loudly as he took a few meandering steps away from David. “Oh, yeah, take a few breaths and ignore your instinct to kill me on the spot. Wait until as many people as possible are here to witness this. Through away common sense and logic and simple truths. Do what strokes your ego and ignore the rest. You people never change.”  
  
Lieutenant Adamczyk stepped down off the platform, eyes trained to the grass. “I need a guard up there with him. Now!”  
  
David smiled wickedly at his success. With Lieutenant Adamczyk out of the way for the moment, he had time to think of a way out of the chains. But then he heard the voice of a familiar guard.  
  
“Captain?” Stefan asked from in front of the platform. The captain of the guard turned to face him and nodded expectantly. “May I stand with David? After all those days with him in the dungeon, it would be an honor to truly play an active role in his final demise.”  
  
Feeling immediately wounded again, David rolled his eyes as the captain gave his permission and Stefan climbed up onto the platform, bypassing the steps. Stefan avoided eye contact as he shuffled to stand behind David and pull his sword out. Feeling the heat of Stefan’s body from behind him and slightly to the left, David huffed out an irritated scoff.  
  
Stefan had once, back in the dudgeon, reminded David that there was good in everyone. It was the kind of realization that he had needed back then. It was part of what allowed him to believe in the potential for greatness of the complacent and brainwashed citizens of Florenzia that started around him. But as Stefan nervously stood with his sword poised for a fight and Lieutenant Adamczyk spewed more hateful propaganda to the almost full stands, it was hard to see the good in all the bad.  
  
David bit his tongue and tried to calm his raging body with the one thing that could always calm him down. _Matteo sees the good in the bad every day. Matteo is the good in the bad. He comes from this world and is the best goddamn person ever. He is going to make this right. I just know it. Him, Leonie, Laura, the whole crew— someone is going to come through for me._  
  
Then, David heard the clatter of Stefan’s sword hitting the ground. David looked back at him with raised eyebrows and dissatisfaction painted across his face.  
  
“Oops, still getting the hang of this thing, always dropping it,” Stefan said. There was a bit of a light laugh in his voice that felt forced to David. But he didn’t care. He just rolled his eyes and turned back to the front as Stefan bent down to pick up the sword.  
  
But then, David heard the rattle of metal. He lost his breath when he felt the shackles fall from his ankles and, a moment later, he felt the same freedom on his wrists. Awestruck and almost unsure what to do David just looked down at Stefan with his lips parted and his eyebrows raised in wonder.  
  
Nearly expressionless, Stefan simply stood up, quiet and careful. He whispered, just loud enough for David to hear, “Of the two of us, I think you should be the one to succeed.”  
  
Smiling, David’s mind traveled back to that morning in the dungeon and his heart warmed at the realization that _Stefan rose._  
  
Stefan sneakily pointed at the fallen sword and David glanced down as it waited for him. But something nagged at David and then his smile grew even bigger.  
  
David looked up at Stefan again, shook his head, and reached out for the dagger in Stefan’s belt. “Rule number one of this revolution,” David whispered resolutely. He pulled the dagger out and held it out for Stefan. “If we succeed, we succeed together.”  
  
Stefan and David looked at each other for a moment, support and contentment in the air, before Stefan broke into a smile and took the dagger from David. As Stefan turned the dagger over in his hand, David bent down to grab the sword from the ground. The smooth, silver grip of the sword felt right in his hand. Without even having to think about it, he bent his knees and bounced on his toes as his eager body readied itself for a fight.  
  
“Hey! The rookie freed the captive!” a guard called out.  
  
The guards started coming towards them on the platform. Blood rushing through his body, David locked eyes with Stefan and nodded surely. After Stefan nodded back, ready and determined, David turned his attention to the three fast approaching guards.  
  
He took a few swift steps toward one of them, sword raised. With a few simple swings and well-placed turns, David easily knocked the guard’s sword from his hand. It flew through the air and fell to the grass a few feet away. The guard went after it and David moved on.  
  
The second guard swung at his head. David ducked and thrust his sword forward. The sharp edge caught the guard’s armored shin and tripped him as he tried to step away. The guard stumbled backwards off the platform and his sword skidded across the platform.  
  
David paused for a brief moment, breathing in, steady and deliberate. He felt sweat beginning to bead on his forehead, but he kept his energy focused on the guards he had defeated as they attempted to come back and Stefan who was struggling to keep up with the third guard.  
  
Stefan dropped to the ground, barely missing the guard’s sword. He stayed down and started crawling over to the abandoned sword at the back of the platform. His guard ran after him.  
  
The area clear, David fixed his gaze on Lieutenant Adamczyk. 

Lieutenant Adamczyk charged towards the platform and stormed up the steps. He threw the chains off his shoulder and triumphantly pulled his sword from his scabbard with a loud scrape.  
  
David bit his lip and shook his head assuredly. He regrasped the sword in his hand and leaned forward, ready to run directly into battle with all that he had.  
  
“I told you not to underestimate me.”  
  
Then, David’s feet hit the ground. Lieutenant Adamczyk ran towards him and swung first. David lifted his sword in defense. Their swords met forcefully in the air above the middle of the platform, clashing loud.  
  
The sound rang in David’s ears until the clatter of their swords was all he could hear. There was no roaring crowd. There were no floundering guards. His feet were not even pounding against the ground as they circled the platform. There wasn’t even a platform. No heat radiating off the lit torch. No warmed metal against his palm. No cool breeze in his hair. There was barely even Lieutenant Adamczyk’s disgusting yet motivating presence or David’s energized body as it sent him forward with all the courage he possessed. David only knew one thing to be real as he expertly fought for his vindication and liberation; the sound of their clashing swords.  
  
Then, the truest sound David could ever know rang out in his ears; the sound of Matteo’s voice.  
  
“Stop! Stop! All of you!” Matteo yelled out.  
  
His voice dripped with passion and power like David had never heard from him, but even still, he was undoubtedly the gentle, kind, and hopeful Matteo that David knew so well. It was him. And he broke David free from the trance of the sword fight. The sword in his hand didn’t matter in the slightest anymore; how could it when there was Matteo?  
  
David turned his head, saw him and nothing else existed. He was far away, on the opposite end of the arena, but there he was. David saw his eyes first. They stared deep into his own eyes and David couldn’t look away. In that blue, he saw everything he needed to see— all the acceptance and grace, all the dedication and passion. But then he saw Matteo’s lips. They turned up into a small smile and David felt his own lips doing the same. He could immediately tell that the heat on his cheeks and the rapid beat of his heart came from an entirely different place now. They came from a Matteo place. Because there Matteo was, frozen in time for a moment with David.  
  
But then David heard the sound of metal again. Time sped back up, reality set in and David noticed everything around him.  
  
David turned his head with the noise and saw Lieutenant Adamczyk putting his sword in his scabbard. Stunned, David lowered his own sword to his side. In looking back to Matteo, he saw all the guards cease their efforts and heard the crowd turn silent.  
  
David’s eyes searched for Matteo but got caught on the numerous people who surrounded him. Chest starting to tingle in the best way, his eyes wandered from Laura to Leonie to Abdi to Carlos to Jonas to Queen Amira to Sara to Sam to Linn to Mia— to so many people that David’s mind couldn’t even place all their names. He just looked at them all, feeling overwhelmed with affection and appreciation.   
  
Then, his eyes landed on Matteo. Everything within David settled at the same time he erupted with fondness and anticipation. Matteo was there. Matteo. Matteo who was breathing heavily and staring into him like he was searching for the strength to go on. Matteo who David wanted to run to. Matteo who opened his mouth again before David had a chance to move. Matteo who captivated David with every word.  
  
— — —  
  
Matteo could have stared into David's dark brown eyes for years, but after a few infinite moments, Matteo knew he was ready to take all the adoration, power, and courage that David poured into him and do something with it.  
  
Matteo shifted his gaze to the stunned crowd. Even though his hands shook at his sides and his feet burned against the ground, Matteo found it within himself to speak, loud and bold.  
  
“We are not killing David Schreibner today or ever,” Matteo said. “This execution is not something I called for and I am not going to allow it to go on. In fact, this execution is highly illegal because Lieutenant Adamczyk has been fired and has no authority to be doing this.”  
  
Matteo paused for a moment. He watched as the captain of the guard apprehend Lieutenant Adamczyk and led him away from David. Matteo felt persistence lace his smile as he took a step forward. His confidence grew and the burning at his feet stopped as he walked.  
  
“And the charges that were brought upon David have actually been cleared. By me,” Matteo said. A quiet gasp overtook the crowd and Matteo chuckled a little, feeling like himself. “You’re probably wondering why I would do that, aren’t you? I mean, he vandalized the castle wall and escaped from the dungeon and stole a statue from the town square and dedicated his life to bringing down the very monarchy that put this crown on my head. Well, I cleared David’s charges because he’s right. David is so right about everything he believes and says about this monarchy. Monarchy in general, but the Florenzian monarchy in particular. The revolution he leads is just and necessary. Every bit of corruption and hypocrisy and oppression that he called out in his manifesto is true and deserves criticism. David’s principles of equality and self-determination are so pure. His mission to amplify the voices of all Florenzians is the most noble thing that has ever happened in this kingdom. His activism is going to change the world and make Florenzia better. Killing him for having the courage, tenacity, brilliance, and compassion to work for justice in powerful ways would be a disservice to everyone in this arena, everyone in Florenzia, and even everyone in the world. And it would be a disservice to me. Personally.”  
  
Matteo stopped in the center of the arena. He took in a deep breath and looked right at David. He stared right back at him with a palpable intensity that Matteo couldn’t quite put words to. All he knew was that David was enthralled and breathless as he watched him. And Matteo felt the same way.   
  
“Because David is more than just a political activist and incredible revolutionary. He’s the man I’m in love with.”  
  
Eyes soft and face aglow, Matteo didn’t look away from David. Matteo’s heart beat out of his chest and he smiled softly as David stared at him with so much wonder and awe. Suspended in the moment between them, Matteo almost forgot that his words were more than a love confession. The gasp that echoed through the arena certainly helped him remember.  
  
Matteo smiled bigger and laughed as he looked back at the crowd. Feeling comfortable, of all things, he rocked back on his heels and shrugged his shoulders.  
  
“I know it’s shocking, but yes, I’m gay,” Matteo said. He paced around the center of the arena a bit at his spoke, eyes scanning across the entire crowd around him. “And I know it’s a risky move, coming out. But sharing this part of myself with all of you is something that I’ve been wanting to do. So, yeah, I’m gay. And here I am coming out to you. Because I want to for my own happiness. But also, because I am ridiculously in love with the most amazing guy. He’s the guy who made me believe in myself when I felt like I had no reason to. The guy who taught me that there are reasons all around me and most importantly within me. He’s the guy who makes me feel alive and powerful and safe and worthy. The guy who makes me smile and laugh and think and try.”  
  
Matteo found David with his eyes again. He fixed his gaze upon him and planted his feet firm on the ground. He felt so connected to the world even as it faded away until it was just David starting back at him like his life depended on it.   
  
“David, you make me try,” Matteo said. “You make me strive to be the person I’ve always been on the inside by challenging me and expecting the most of me. You see the world exactly as it is, and I am so thankful to have you in my life always telling me that truth, your truth, my truth even. You understand me and that is so beyond beautiful to me because there are days when I feel like I can’t even understand myself. And you don’t let me tear myself down for those things that I don’t understand about myself or haven’t learned to accept yet. You see the potential and strength and clarity and humanity in me, and that makes me see it. When you shine your light on me, I see myself and it allows me to love myself. But your light also lets me see the world— bright, clear, and exactly as it is. And so, because of you, David, you— I see what needs to be done to make this world better, but also that I can be a part of those things. That’s why I’m here today, speaking my voice. That’s why before I got your letter, I was on the throne clearing your charges and firing Lieutenant Adamczyk and starting the process of denouncing the homophobia of this kingdom and monarchy. Why when I got your letter, I ran straight to you. Why when I found out you’d been brought here, I ran even faster. I am done sitting back and not taking action to make the world better when I have the power within me to do that. And, David, me coming here to save your life— though, I’m honestly not surprised that you were up fighting to save your own life because you’re the strongest person I know. But that’s beside the point. The point is that fighting to save your life is fighting to make the world better. The world is amazing with you in it, David. I really, really hope you hear that. This world may be dark and scary, but it is people like you who make it better and brighter.”  
  
Even from so far away, Matteo could see David’s eyes glistening. Matteo knew his own emotional tears weren’t far off, but at the same time, he could also feel a laugh bubbling up from his chest as he prepared his next words.  
  
“And, I mean, David, you gotta trust me on this. I know first-hand exactly how you make the world beautiful because you make my world beautiful. If it wasn’t obvious—”  
  
Matteo paused for a brief moment as he dug David’s letter out of his pocket. He held it up with pride and looked back at David up on the platform. David was smiling freely. It was absolutely radiant.  
  
“I read your letter and I’m in. I’m all in,” Matteo said passionately. “I want to walk this journey with you. I want you— strengths and weakness, lessons learned and demons to fight. I want to watch you soar and be the person you share your vulnerability with and remind you how beautiful the world is when you need to hear it and be the person who yells at the universe with you when it’s all just too scary and unfair not to do something about. I want to take you for all that you are as you take me for all that I am. I want us to be joyful together. I want us to support each other. I want us to love each other. No more running, no more compliancy, no more self-sabotage, no more not fighting for what we want, and no more pretending like this thing between us isn’t the brightest thing we’ve ever seen. There’s light in both of us and when our light comes together, we light up the entire world. So, yeah. Here I am, crashing into you just like you asked. Writing our love in the stars for everyone to see, just like you said I could.”  
  
Matteo looked down as he put the letter back in his pocket, feeling his cheeks blush and his heart flutter. He shrugged a little as he looked back up, eyes wandering as he tried to find closing words.  
  
“So, um, I think that’s all I’ve got for the moment,” Matteo said. A laugh came up from his stomach as he began to feel a little nervous. “And I, uh, I don’t know why I am standing so fucking far away from you right now because I just always wanna be close to you, but, yeah, I love you.”  
  
Matteo’s eyes finally found their way back to David and the words hung in the air for a moment. Matteo’s chest pounded in the best possible way as he tried to stare all his dedication and adoration and hope into David. The look on David’s face as he stared back at him was full of love and enchantment.   
  
Then, swift and purposeful, David threw down his sword, jumped off the platform, and ran to Matteo.  
  
Matteo smiled so hard that his cheekbones ached. He had never felt more anticipation and joy circulating through his body as he lifted his arms to catch David. Matteo could feel every inch of himself a million times over and for the first time ever, he felt thankful for his ability to feel so deeply.  
  
But he couldn’t think about that. All he could think was _David_ as he got closer and closer, his face fighting between the joyful tears in his perfect eyes and the smile on his immaculate lips as he ran.  
  
Then, David crashed into Matteo’s arms. Warm from the inside out, Matteo wrapped his arms around David’s back, pulling him in close. David nuzzled his face into the crook of Matteo’s shoulder and encircled his arms around Matteo’s shoulders. David squeezed him tight and Matteo felt every ounce of negativity stream out of his body. He peacefully closed his eyes as he laid his chin on David’s shoulder and pressed the side of his face against David’s head. Matteo felt David take a deep breath against his chest and relished how close they were after what felt like a lifetime apart.  
  
Matteo could have stayed like that with David forever—holding each other strong, tight, and loving— but he felt David moving in his arms. David slowly lifted his head, feathering a light kiss to Matteo’s neck as he left the space. Matteo felt shivers down his spine at the same time that he felt warm all over. David pulled back just enough to move his arms from Matteo’s upper back and carefully bring them around to the front.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes halfway, just enough to watch the admiration and joy on David’s face as he delicately cupped Matteo's face in his strong, gentle hands. All Matteo could do was tighten his grip around David’s waist and knock his forehead into David’s.  
  
David laughed, soft and small, just for them, and pressed back against Matteo’s forehead. Matteo grinned and looked up tenderly into David’s eyes.   
  
“I love you, Matteo,” he said. His voice was serious and insistent, and there was wonder in every word. A smile grew on his face, the passion in his eyes was electric and Matteo couldn’t get enough of his slow, purposeful voice in his ears. It was like David couldn’t get enough of it either. That, or he really wanted to make sure Matteo heard him, which he absolutely did. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” Matteo said, fond and suddenly shy.   
  
“I know. You told me,” David said. David tilted his head as he smiled. He sounded matter of fact, confident and so wholly himself that Matteo just had to dig his fingers into David’s sides. Then, David laughed in happy disbelief. “And the whole world. And you came out. I am so proud of you. You did amazing. You are amazing.”  
  
“You,” Matteo said softly. He pushed harder against David’s forehead, losing his balance just a little and grasping even harder around David’s waist. David smiled as he moved to wrap his arms around Matteo’s middle, secure, and comforting. “You’re letter. God, I’m so proud of you and I love you so much and I am so proud to be with you.”  
  
“With me. This is real,” David said. He bit his lip and looked up to the sky. Matteo could tell he was overwhelmed by the pure joy and bliss of finally getting the happy ending he deserved.  
  
Matteo removed one hand from David’s side and lifted it to his cheek. He gently guided David’s face back down until David’s eyes were secure on his. “This is real, David. And it’s not going anywhere. We’ve got each other,” Matteo said, frim. David nodded, eyes bright and smile beautiful. “Okay. Good. So, um, would you mind if I kissed you now?”  
  
“Please do,” David said.  
  
Matteo caressed his fingers over David’s rosy cheeks for a moment as he processed. Then, beaming, he pulled David in closer and kissed him, big, bright, and passionate. 

David smiled against his lips, lifted a hand to the back of Matteo’s head and deepened the kiss. Matteo clung tighter to David’s shirt and kissed him harder, trying to balance the pure love and desire in his veins with the fact they were in public.  
  
Matteo was only reminded that they were standing in the center of the full arena when the crowd all around them went wild with cheers and applause. No boos, no screams, nothing thrown at them. Just pure, unadulterated cheers of support and happiness for the love that they shared.  
  
Stunned by the roar of acceptance around them, Matteo pulled back from David and saw his equally astonished face. Matteo looked up at the crowd as they both dropped their hands for each other.  
  
Hating the way he felt without David’s hands on him, Matteo kept his eyes trained on the boisterous crowd as he turned around and backed up towards David. Just like he figured, David, even with his own eyes on the stands, put out an arm and caught him. David wrapped his arm around Matteo’s waist and pulled him in, flush to his side.  
  
Matteo felt tears in his eyes as he listened to the cheers and looked at happy face after happy face. Then, he glanced down to their friends who still stood by the entrance to the arena. Each and every one of them was lit up with a pride and excitement that Matteo made feel profoundly full of warmth and contentment.  
  
David must have felt the same way as he looked at them all because he tugged Matteo even closer and rested his head on Matteo’s shoulder. Matteo smiled tenderly and brought his arm up around David’s shoulders.

He felt at peace next to David as the cheers died down a little. But then he was hit with a thought, a memory, a reminder; he still had something to do there in that arena.  
  
“Oh, I almost forgot,” Matteo said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “We’re going to end the monarchy.”  
  
— — —  
  
David heard his heart pounding in his ears as a hush fell over the crowd. Matteo’s back straightened against David’s forearm and David’s mouth fell open just a little as he turned to look at Matteo, curiosity, and surprise ripe on his face.  
  
He was so shaken by the words that had come out of Matteo’s mouth that he couldn’t fathom a thought, but his upside-down stomach knew how enormous this moment was. Truly stunned, all he could do was watch as Matteo scanned his eyes over the speechless crowd and continued speaking casually as if he wasn’t altering the very ground they all walked upon.  
  
“I mean, we’ll only end it if you all want to,” Matteo said, waving his free hand as he spoke. “I was thinking maybe we could put it to a vote or something so that we could decide together what kind of government we want. But, um, we can figure that out later. I just—wow— you all probably think this is an absurd idea. But, I mean, I just let an anti-monarchist walk free and declared my love for him, so it shouldn’t be that shocking.”  
  
Thoughts catching up with David as Matteo chuckled, David fisted his hand in Matteo’s shirt and abruptly pulled him closer. Matteo crashed further into his side and turned to look up at him expectantly.  
  
“Matteo, you know I think this a great idea,” David said under his breath into Matteo’s temple. “But—”  
  
“But I’ve gotta do it for the right reasons. Which I am,” Matteo said quietly. David felt his nerves settle under his skin. _I’ve got nothing to worry about with this one. Can’t wait to get used to that._ He softened his grip on Matteo’s shirt and melted a little as Matteo kept going. “I promise I’ll make my reasons clear. I’ve just gotta get the words out right.”  
  
“And you will. I trust you,” David said. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Matteo’s cheekbone. Matteo’s eyes fluttered closed as David’s lips warmed his skin for a brief moment. Then David pulled back, let go of Matteo’s shirt and gently shoved him away. “Now, go make the world a better place.”  
  
Matteo smiled back at him as he stumbled a few steps to the side. He got his footing, looked up at the crowd, and took a step forward. From behind, David watched as Matteo took in a deep breath, shoulders rising and falling as his hands balled at his sides. Then, Matteo’s voice filled the arena once again and David’s whole body swelled with pride.  
  
“Let me assure you all that this is not about my romantic relationship with David. I learned a lot of this from David, yes. But I would still be here with these words and these beliefs no matter how things worked out between us. Because like I said, he’s right. This monarchy is not working. It’s a broken system that doesn’t yield the best results and is wholly unjust. Monarchy steals agency and self-determination away from the masses, then puts those things in the hands of a few people that just happened to be born into a particular family. And maybe sometimes that family is good. Sometimes the monarchs deserve their authority and do good things with it. I mean, Queen Amira of Yogalla is standing right over there.”  
  
Matteo pivoted on his heels and gestured to their friends by the entrance. David looked over at them, taking in their attentive faces. He glanced up at the crowd and saw that most everyone was listening on the edge of their seat, waiting for Matteo to speak again. Then, David looked back to Matteo. Even in profile, David could tell he was stuck searching for words they both knew he had. He just needed time and support to get out.  
  
David bit his lip, looking around slightly, then made an executive decision. Fervor in his steps, he walked up to Matteo’s side and grabbed his hand. Matteo looked down at their hands as David pressed his palm into Matteo’s and ran his thumb across his knuckles. Eyes pensive and unsure, he looked up at David.   
  
“We’ve got each other,” David said, serious and unrelenting. Matteo smiled and his eyes wandered as David squeezed his hand. Then a moment later, David felt Matteo’s body ignite with energy; he found the words.  
  
“Monarchy is a gamble we can’t afford to take because sometimes, you get kings like my father. Kings who are selfish, intolerant, and unfit to lead. Kings who only care about their reputation, their status, their ego. Kings who will do anything to uphold their image and the image of the kingdom. Even if that means bringing harm to everyone. That is what my father did during his reign through complacency and inaction, but also through actively starting a petty, unnecessary war. But you all know that. The war touched all of your lives in painful and terrible ways. We lost thousands of amazing people— fathers, husbands, brothers, friends, creators, builders, thinkers, people with ideas and dreams and callings and undeniable worth. And you all are just the same— people with a deep, rich humanity. People who don’t deserve to be discounted and forgotten when those in control make decisions. People who don’t deserve to be belittled and discriminated against by the systems in place. People who don’t deserve to be left out of the conversation and suppressed because our kingdom allows that to be the dominant narrative. People who don’t deserve to feel like they don’t have a seat at the table or the ability to make change for themselves or their community.”  
  
David already felt his heart pounding, his eyes on the verge of tears from how perfect and powerful Matteo’s words were. But then Matteo squeezed his hand, tight and knowing, as he continued.  
  
“People who don’t deserve to be made to believe that the world will bring them nothing but harm.”  
  
Matteo paused for the briefest moment, glancing over to David. Touched, David just smiled at him with love and nodded for him to go on. When Matteo loosened his grip on David’s hand, looked back to the crowd, and continued speaking, David’s heart broke for him even as he felt an overwhelming wave of personal gratification come over him.   
  
“And I am so, so sorry for all of that. I’m sorry for what my father has done to each and every one of you. I’m sorry for the things my family has done to you and yours all these years. I’m sorry for the harm that comes from me and my family leading by example. And I’m especially sorry for the hardship that has come to you during my reign. I could have done more and I am so terribly sorry.”  
  
David squeezed Matteo’s hand right on the heels of his apology. David heard Matteo swallow hard as he looked over at him. David just smiled kindly and nodded encouragingly.  
  
“But I am done being complacent and I am done not taking action,” Matteo said, still looking into David’s eyes. Then, he shifted back out to the crowd. “I told you all that David shined his light on me and allowed me to see and love myself, as well as see that I have the power to change the world for the better. But I’ve also learned that it’s not just me. It’s all of us. There is a power and a strength within every one of you that is just waiting to get out.  
  
“And we need all of you to let it out because otherwise, we will never make the changes we need to make,” Matteo continued, speeding up with passion and confidence. “I am one person with one set of experiences who can stand up and advocate for those experiences. I, for example, know that we need to rewrite the queer narrative in this kingdom and radically innovate the way our deeply insufficient medical system works. And, sure, I could remain king and try to listen to you all, to my advisors and to my friends then act accordingly based off the things that get brought to my attention. But as long as there are systemic barriers in place and only so many hours in a day and only so much capacity in one person, that will never be enough to support and innovate this kingdom that is made up of a vast, diverse, and excellent collection of people. People who are out there living their life, knowing exactly what is wrong with things and knowing how to fix it because they live with it every day. Why would I not let you all act upon that and use your power to make this world a better place? Because you really do have that power within you. The power to understand yourself and the world. The power to do something about that, whether it is speaking your mind, creating something beautiful, driving positive change, innovating a broken system, lifting up those around you, educating yourself on unfamiliar topics, building a community, advocating for a cause, starting a conversation, solving a problem with a creative solution— the possibilities are endless and they are all in you. I know it sounds hard.”  
  
David could feel the energy circulating through Matteo’s body next to him. He wasn’t surprised in the slightest when Matteo took a step forward, pulling at their hands, almost as if he forgot they were intertwined. David just stifled his smile at how endearing he found that and tightened his grip on Matteo’s hand.  
  
“I know it even sounds impossible when you’ve lived your whole life convinced that there is nothing in you worth celebrating or sharing, when the world teaches you that there is no power or light within you, when you learn to believe that the thoughts in your head must be stupid or the gut feelings you have must be wrong. We are sent these messages. We hear this from the world day after day and we learn it. We internalize it.”  
  
David’s heart skipped a beat at the word and his jaw dropped. Either Matteo knew internalized oppression by name or he knew it in his gut so well that he could intuit his way to the word for it. Either way, David’s body filled with connection, and he stepped up closer to Matteo. _Who am I kidding? It’s the second one. And that’s one of the reasons I love him. I love him. And he loves me._  
  
“We believe we are powerless,” Matteo continued with David by his side. “That we can’t do anything and we are stuck living in a world not made for us. But that is just not true.”  
  
Then, silent for a moment, Matteo stopped and looked down. David felt the apprehension suddenly returning to him and squeezed his hand on instinct. Through his firm grip, Matteo pulled his hand away. David looked at him slightly nervous, but then he felt Matteo’s arm snaking around his waist. David eased and brought an arm around Matteo’s waist just the same. Matteo continued, voice a little milder but no doubt still loud enough to be heard.  
  
“It may be hard to believe, but this is how I have lived my whole life, even as someone within the monarchy. I learned these awful lessons and they broke me down to nothing— powerless, immobile, complacent, unsure, and resigned to live a life that sucked happiness out of me day by day. But, I met someone who woke me up and taught me so much, who pulled me out of all of that. I have learned so much about myself and the power that is within me. And I am still learning, still growing. I probably always will be. But I know this is all possible if you let yourself go there and you have the right people in your life to empower you along the journey.”   
  
Matteo looked at David for a moment, and David hoped that all his love and support was visible in his eyes as he fiercely stared at Matteo. With a small smile on his lips, Matteo tore his eyes from David and looked out at the crowd. He dropped his arm and stepped out.  
  
“So, please, let me be an empowering voice for you all right now. There is a light within each of you that can shine so bright if you let it— if you listen to the voices that tell you you’re worthwhile, capable, good, and innately powerful, then act upon who you are. You all have the power to change the world. It won’t be easy. It will take hard work and time. But it is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone. In fact, you can’t do it alone.”  
  
David followed Matteo’s line of sight as he turned to look over at the group by the entrance— their people woven together and staring at Matteo with love and attention.  
  
“We have to do it together. We have to all put our best, most powerful inner light forward and let our lights fit together perfectly. When they all shine as one, we can and will make this world better, brighter, and ours. But we need all of us in order to do that.”  
  
Matteo gazed back out at the crowd of Florenzians. David managed to pull his eyes from Matteo long enough to see nodding heads, smiling faces, teary eyes, and standing bodies. Even though there were still some people looking dubious or fearful, David knew what he was seeing. He was seeing people rise, just like he loved believing was possible. There was no way he could truly know if it was that fulfillment or listening to the love of his life speak such magnificent words that finally brought real tears to his eyes.  
  
“And we can’t do that with a monarchy. We have to end this monarchy and try something new. It won’t come easy and it won’t happen overnight, but we have to try. We owe it to ourselves and to our neighbors and loved ones and those we’ve lost and those who will come after us. It may fail, but if it does, we have failed with our best effort out there and we have failed together. From here on out, everything we do, we do together. Which is why I am not just going to declare the monarchy over. If you all genuinely search yourselves and want the monarchy to continue, then that’s what we will do. So, we will take time to make this decision about our government and we will put it to a vote. I am putting the power in your hands, where it should have been all along. You are all more than capable of holding it in your hands and I believe that you will rise up to hold it as you should. You just have to understand yourself clearly enough to know how powerful you are. Then, trust in your own light and the light we create when we all come together. This kingdom was founded on light from my great, great grandfather, but it is the light within us all that will keep it alive, make it better, and make it ours.”  
  
Matteo let out a long breath and silence filled the arena. He looked over his shoulder at David, hope and nervousness in his eyes. David just shook his head with an impressed smirk and lovingly put an arm up for Matteo to fall into. Matteo smiled back at him and walked over, right into David.  
  
Matteo pushed his chest against David’s and wrapped his arms around his waist. Dropping all his weight on him, he buried his head in David’s neck and squinted his eyes shut. David just embraced Matteo, kissing the side of his head. Then, smiling, he moved to turn Matteo around in his arms.   
  
David spoke low into his ear as Matteo’s back settled against his chest. “I’m not letting you miss this moment.”  
  
David rested his chin on Matteo’s shoulder and Matteo lifted his hands to hold onto David’s strong forearms as they held him. David felt Matteo’s body relax slightly, then more and more as they watched the crowd together.  
  
The crowd began talking amongst themselves and then the applause started. It was slow, but it roared to life. More and more people stood up from their seats as the affirming cheers started.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye, David could see Matteo bursting into a smile. He wanted to say something to him, kiss his cheek, squeeze him tighter— anything to show Matteo how proud he was of him.  
  
But then David noticed a chant beginning to resound through the arena.   
  
“Our Florenzia! Our Florenzia! Our Florenzia!” they shouted, hands in the air and elation in their united voice.  
  
David didn’t know what to do with the joy he felt pulsating through his body; he had never felt so much pure joy and peace and love and resolution, nor did he ever think he would. But he didn’t have to know what to do with it all. Matteo was there, turning around in his arms and attacking him with the best hug of his life.  
  
Matteo lunged into him and David caught him as they both smiled, laughed, and cried simultaneously. David wrapped his arms tight around Matteo’s back and lifted him off the ground as he held him close. Matteo squealed a little and David swayed with him in his arms. Then, firm and gentle, he placed Matteo back down on the ground. Hands secure on Matteo’s mid-back, he pulled him in and kissed him, hard and triumphant.  
  
Their lips connected and worked together for a blissful moment that felt infinite but couldn’t have been more than a few seconds. They pulled back at the same time, their smiles breaking the kiss just as much as the roaring shouts of affection and celebration that were fast approaching.  
  
Their friends were running towards them, and in the intermediate moment as they stood waiting, Matteo brought a hand up to the back of David’s head. Running a hand through his hair, he bonked his forehead against David’s. “I love you so much, but I’m so glad that’s not the only love you have in your life.”  
  
“Likewise, my dear,” David said fondly. Eyes moving from Matteo’s blush, David saw Amira coming up behind Matteo and smiled. He shoved at Matteo’s chest and watched him stagger back with a smile on his face until he bumped into Amira. They laughed and fell into a hug that made David’s heart soar.  
  
David’s smile grew as he saw Abdi and Carlos running up to him, shouting and hollering excited words David didn’t even care to understand. He just ran towards them. He wasn’t sure who really started it, but they all ended up in a big three-way hug that lasted longer than David ever thought he would allow. But he clung to them as they enveloped him, shouting wildly about how glad they were that he wasn’t dead and about how happy he looked with Matteo.  
  
David opened his eyes and in the space between their shoulders he spotted Laura chatting with Mia and Alex. With a quick apology that he wasn’t even sure they heard, he pushed the boys away and ran over to Laura.  
  
She noticed him coming from a few feet away, and a smile lit up her face as he fell into her arms. She hugged him tight, swaying back and forth. David closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of family washing over him. They really didn’t need words as they stood there, soaking up each other’s presence and radiating their thankfulness for the moment. But, of course, David’s mind picked up speed. He pulled back a little and looked at Laura with what he was sure was a ridiculous blush.   
  
“I, um,” David said. “Think I might sleep at Matteo’s tonight, just FYI.”  
  
Laura sighed lovingly and looked up. “And so it begins.”  
  
David bit his lip to hold back his embarrassed laugh, but he knew his cheeks and shining eyes gave him away. Then, as if she was there to save him, David felt Leonie’s hand on his back.  
  
Laura and David both let go, and David quickly turned to Leonie. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could get a word out, David just grabbed her and smothered her in a hug. She didn’t even protest, head on his shoulder and hands flat on his back, pulling him in.

After a moment there, Sam and Mia came over to them and David let go of Leonie. Sam put up a hand for a high five, which David gladly reciprocated as Mia tilted her head at him.  
  
“And to think,” she said fondly. “You sounded so shocked to hear I was having a thing with Alexander Hardenberg when you were in the middle of something far more serious than a thing with the king.”  
  
David laughed at the callout and looked down, not even sure what to say. He just longingly glanced over to where Matteo stood wrapped up in a lingering, emotional hug with Jonas and Hanna. _I think it’s more like the beginning than the middle. Yeah, the beginning._  
  
David’s yearning smirk and sparkling eyes faded a bit when Abdi and Carlos came up to Matteo, Jonas, and Hanna. David watched Carlos give Jonas a bro hug like they knew each other. Then, before he knew it, Abdi was smothering Matteo in a big hug and David felt a protective restlessness in his legs. Matteo looked mostly okay, a smile on his face but David knew how long and intrusive Abdi hugs could be.  
  
His concern must have shone on his face because Leonie put a hand on his shoulder. “Go save him, lover boy.”  
  
David smiled, but shook his head and shouted back to Leonie as he turned to jog away. “That nickname is not going to stick!”  
  
“Sure, it’s not,” Leonie said sarcastically as she nodded patronizingly.  
  
David just rolled his eyes and turned around, but when he did, he ran right into a tall skinny man he recognized from his time in the dungeon. Before he could even apologize, the man grabbed on to his arms and eagerly started talking.  
  
“I am so proud of you!” he said. “I’m Hans— Laura’s friend and Matteo’s personal assistant slash gay guru! It’s a small and beautiful world and you are already family, David!”  
  
David blinked in shock a few times, taking it all in, but smiled nonetheless as Hans beamed. “Cool,” David finally said. Then he spotted Sara walking by behind Hans. “Um, it was nice to meet you, but will you excuse me?”  
  
“Of course!” Hans said. He patted David’s arm and ran off in the other direction. David just took it as it was and ran a few steps in Sara’s direction.  
  
“Sara!” he called out. She turned around, her eyes widening when she saw him.  
  
“David! I’m so glad you’re safe!” she said. David stopped running and stood in front of her with furrowed brows. He opened his mouth to apologize, but she put a hand up to stop him. “You don’t have to apologize about Matteo. It's in the past and there are no hurt feelings.”  
  
“Oh, wow, okay,” David said. He made a mental note to ask Leonie just how that conversation with Sara had gone and to ask Matteo what his relationship with Sara had truly consisted of. But in the moment, he just looked at Sara with earnest gratitude. “Thank you so much for taking that letter to him for me. You really didn’t have to do that. Thank you.”  
  
“You’re welcome. I’m glad it worked between you two,” she said seriously. She glanced over at where Matteo stood chatting with Kiki and Carlos. David followed her gaze and smiled softly at the sight. Sara spoke again, serious and playful, calling his attention back to her. “Now, go over there and be with him. I’ll only be mad at you if you fuck things up with Matteo.”  
  
“He’s not going to fuck it up,” Jonas said protectively. Appearing from behind, he put a firm hand on David’s shoulder and looked at him with raised eyebrows. “Right?”  
  
David swallowed hard, his heart beating a little faster as he looked up at Jonas and saw Amira there as well. But David knew all he had to do was pull from his reservoir of confidence and truth. “Absolutely not,” David said. “Matteo means the world to me. I can promise you both that I will honor him in all that I do and cherish every moment we have together.”  
  
“Good,” Jonas said. He smiled and dropped his hand from David’s shoulder. “I think he has the same plans for you.”  
  
“Oh, he definitely does,” Amira said, smiling. “That boy is head over heels obsessed with you.”  
  
David smiled with them all as they began to laugh. Then, something in his gut told him to look left, and there Matteo was, walking towards them.  
  
“Wait,” he said as he approached and they turned to look at him. “Who’s obsessed with David?”  
  
“You!” Amira, Jonas, and Sara all shouted.  
  
Matteo grinned proudly and blushed. David reached out and pulled him into his arms. With Matteo’s hands landing low on his hips and his face inching closer, David danced his fingers on Matteo’s shoulder blades.  
  
“It’s okay, though,” David said. “I’m pretty obsessed with you too.”  
  
Matteo’s smile doubled and he leaned in to plant a sloppy kiss on David’s cheek. David closed his eyes in joy. He only opened them when Matteo pulled back and he heard Leonie’s voice.  
  
“Which means—” she said, a bit harsh.   
  
“That if I hurt him, you’ll kill me,” Matteo finished for her. All David could do was open his mouth in a mixture of pride and captivation as he looked back and forth between Matteo in his arms and Leonie a few feet away. “I know, I saw all those weapons.”   
  
David rolled his eyes and scoffed affectionately as he glanced over to Leonie, who stood in front of Abdi, Sam, Carlos, and Kiki. “Of course, you guys were gonna burst in here with all our weapons.”  
  
“Turns out,” Stefan said. David whipped his head around and saw Stefan joining the group huddle that was forming. “King Matteo was the only weapon we really needed”  
  
“Your sword definitely came in handy, though. Don’t undersell yourself,” David said. Stefan smiled at him, then turned to shake Alex’s outstretched hand. David felt Matteo’s hands pulling him in closer, so he turned to look at his big, blue eyes as they stared up at him. He lowered his volume and rubbed his hands across Matteo’s back. “You don’t get to undersell yourself either. Never again.”  
  
David leaned in to give Matteo a kiss, but Matteo beat him to it, moving his hands up to David’s jaw and holding on as he lunged forward to his lips. David smiled into the kiss, held tight to Matteo’s waist, and tilted his head to deepen the kiss just like he knew Matteo liked.  
  
The circle of friends around them lit up with cheers and David even heard a few whistles that made his cheeks even redder than they already were.  
  
Matteo pulled away first and David rested his forehead on Matteo’s. He was slightly out of breath and not mad about it in the slightest. They stood like that for a while, and it didn’t take long for their friends to lose interest, going back to their conversations and celebrations. David knew he would never, ever lose interest in holding Matteo this close.  
  
Eventually, Matteo moved his forehead off of David’s and trusted his head into the crook of David’s neck. David squeezed him tight around the middle so that their bodies were flush against each other. He was about to ask him how he was feeling and if he needed anything when he heard Matteo mumble into his shoulder.  
  
“It’s pretty loud in here and I’m sort of half tired,” Matteo said. “Can we go or is that weird?”  
  
“Not weird at all. Let’s go,” David said. He brought a hand up to the back of Matteo’s head and ran his fingers through his hair, lightly bumping the back of his crown. “We’ve got some catching up to do, anyways, if you’re up for it.”  
  
Matteo lifted his head and looked at David with a dorky, loving smile. “Always.”  
  
David returned the expression, and then with tender care, guided Matteo to stand next to him. Matteo followed David’s lead, grabbing his hand with both of his and holding on tight. With Matteo right next to him, leaning into his shoulder, they walked forward.  
  
David searched for Hans and Jonas with his eyes and it wasn’t long before he spotted them. They both looked at him and Matteo, then at each other, knowingly.  
  
By the time David and Matteo made it out of the crowd of their friends, Hans and Stefan were there with them by the exit.  
  
“We’ll escort you back to the palace,” Hans said. “Jonas and Hanna will take care of the rest. Don’t worry about a thing, either of you. Just enjoy your time together. Take a few days, whatever you need.”  
  
“Thanks, Hans,” Matteo said, a little distant but radiant with comfort and gratitude.  
  
David nodded and thanked Hans just the same. Then, hand in hand, David and Matteo left the arena together.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I’ll see you next Monday for Chapter 18! It’s still a work in progress and its long, but I’m excited to share it with you all next week. Bringing this story to a close after 9 months of working on it will be such a weird feeling, but I’m looking forward to finishing this journey with you all! Much love and take care! <3


	18. Light Shines Eternal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Hope you are all doing well! 
> 
> Last chapter/epilogue! It’s so hard to believe that we’ve finally made it to the end! I’ll save my mushy feelings for the end notes, and just let y’all amazing readers get into it! 
> 
> Fair warning though…I somehow, accidentally, may have sort of written a 40,000-word long chapter with 10 distinct scenes that spans six months of story time. So, yeah, sorry or you’re welcome or maybe both. I’ve added numbered scene headers to hopefully make it a bit easier to read over multiple sittings. So, just take your time and enjoy the final chapter of Light Shine Eternal.
> 
> As always, the playlist has been updated: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GfMDBjwwdyF3nCSZsMfNQ
> 
> (EDIT: Having a little trouble with Spotify at the moment, so if the full playlist isn't updated, here is a playlist of just chapter 18 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2SBt0sFpClLx9HxixouHtl?si=lZm3vkjqQ2afQq_exHFmlw)
> 
> So much love and happy reading!

— — — 1 — — — 

Matteo held tight to David’s hand as they quietly walked to the palace. There were really no words to say, not when they were together after a long day of fighting for themselves, for the kingdom, and for their love. Their love was young but strong, and it was laced between their interwoven fingers and tucked into the smile Matteo wore as he put his head on David’s shoulder.  
  
David laughed softly at the way their closeness made it harder to walk through the main entrance to the palace, but there was no slowing down. Matteo didn’t even notice when Hans and Stefan fell back, leaving them alone. He was too focused on subtly leading David to the main stairwell.  
  
When they arrived, Matteo sighed a little at the two flights of stairs ahead of them. His legs ached and he wasn’t sure his lungs were up for bounding up the stairs like he wanted to do. He wanted to run up the steps with David like they had their first night together and fall into bed with him, both so their limbs could tangle together and so that he could get the rest he craved. But without that needed rest, Matteo knew he was destined to trudge, not bound.  
  
David must have felt the way Matteo’s body deflated because he leaned over and placed a sweet, short kiss on his cheek. Matteo closed his eyes in bliss, then felt David turn forward and start up the stairs, pulling Matteo along behind him with their clasped hands.  
  
Matteo opened his eyes and followed David up, careful and deliberate as he took each step. He did well, but by the time the second floor landing was in sight, Matteo felt his pace slowing as he lagged behind David. Then, to his dismay, he felt David’s hand slip away from his. Matteo looked up, and there he was, waiting on the landing. He stared down at him with so much affection, so much love for exactly who Matteo was, his hatred of stairs and all.  
  
“You know,” David said. He tilted his head and fell so easily in the smugness that made Matteo’s knees grow weak and strong all at once. “I can carry you if you need me too.”  
  
Matteo huffed out a laugh because what else could he do with David looking down at him like that?  
  
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Matteo asked. He kept up the stairs, a little skip in his step all of sudden.  
  
“And you wouldn’t?” David countered. He tilted his head again and crossed his arms.  
  
“I’m not that tired,” Matteo said. He reached the landing and stepped right up to David, who dropped his arms to his side. Vulnerability flashed behind his brown eyes as if he was truly overcome with the reality of the splendor in front of him. “I just need a little break.”  
  
Matteo put his hands on David and pulled him in close. He felt David’s gentle hands on his waist and he waited for David’s lips to find his. He smiled with pride at how it took David a few moments to get over his astonishment and kiss him.  
  
Matteo kissed him back over and over until he could taste David’s belief again and he could feel enough strength within his own body to climb again.  
  
Matteo silently pulled away from David. With a goofy grin on his warm face, he turned around to start up the next flight of stairs. He heard David chuckle behind him, and he looked back at him. A blush rose on David’s cheeks as he followed him, just like Matteo knew it would.  
  
Matteo’s satisfied smile, though, faded by the time they reached the last ten steps or so. With David trailing behind him, spotting him, his body dripped with visible physical exhaustion. The idea of lying in David’s arms was practically all he could think about.  
  
“I hate these stairs so fucking much,” Matteo said. The corridor outside his room was in sight. With a big breath, he pushed himself a little to take the last few steps.  
  
“I like them,” David said. Matteo reached the corridor, then turned to look at David, who sped up as he took the last few steps. “They're much nicer than the secret ones.”  
  
Matteo felt a pang of guilt at those words, a reminder of how David used to be a secret, resigned to underground meetings and hidden staircases. _But those days are over. Everyone knows, they support us, we are together for real and David’s years of not having the nice things he deserves are over._  
  
“Come here,” Matteo said. He reached a hand out to David who grabbed it as he reached the corridor. Matteo pulled him in and without a moment’s hesitation, kissed him. He quickly deepened the kiss himself as his and David’s hands found their way to each other’s upper bodies. Matteo both heard and felt David hum into his mouth ever so slightly. Matteo giggled and moved his lips to David’s jaw that he loved so much.  
  
“I thought you were tired,” David said. He sounded a little breathless, but also severely thoughtful.   
  
Matteo continued to kiss his jaw through his smile and between his words. “Tired of other people. Tired of loud noises. Tired of standing up. Of socializing. Of being on.” Then, he stood up and looked into David’s eyes as seriousness fell into his voice. “Not tired of you.”  
  
“Okay,” David said, just as serious. “Just know we can stop anytime.”   
  
“You’re so respectful. Fuck, I love you,” Matteo said. He couldn’t hide the admiration in his voice, and he knew it was written all over his face.  
  
He could tell that David, with his big smile and shining eyes, was anticipating a kiss. So, Matteo leaned in and David closed the gap between them. They kissed there, alternating between deep and slow and light and simple. It was the rhythm they had learned worked best for them, and Matteo was so glad to find it again.  
  
David’s lips gently grazed over Matteo’s, and Matteo took the opportunity to pull back and rest his forehead on David’s.  
  
“You know the same is true for you,” Matteo said. He adjusted his hands on David’s lower back. “There’s never any pressure or expectation for this sort of thing. Or anything really. I know we have to learn how to be together for real now, and I want us to do that together.”  
  
“You are incredible, Matteo Florenzi,” David said. Matteo felt his cheeks warm and he looked down at little. “I want us to learn how to be truly together too.”  
  
“Cool. I’m glad. And, well, I also want you to feel happy and comfortable and safe and free and known all that stuff,” Matteo said, bashfully. He barely brought his eyes up enough to look into David’s. “All that stuff I feel when I’m with you.”   
  
It was still for a beat, but then, Matteo felt David gripping harder to his sides and moving swiftly. Matteo closed his eyes as he smiled big and relished in the flutter in his heart. He felt swept off his feet as David pushed him up against his bedroom door. It was such a perfect exhibition of how Matteo truly did feel all those lovely things when he was with David. He had felt them that first time David backed up into the dungeon wall. He felt them in that moment with David holding him against his bedroom door. He also felt them when he opened his eyes to see David staring at him with love, desire, and care. His knowing smile told Matteo that David knew exactly what memory he had evoked and that he had done so on purpose. He and Matteo were on the same page. And so, of course, Matteo wanted to kiss him.  
  
But as he leaned in, David whispered to him, “I feel all of them and more, my dear.”  
  
Matteo couldn’t just not complete the kiss, so he pushed his lips against David’s, but then pulled away and did what he really wanted to do. He turned around, pushed the door open, barely even feeling the sting of how it remained knobless, and stepped into his room.  
  
Before he even knew it, David’s hands were on his waist, spinning him around, and their lips were intertwined again. Without even closing the door, they kissed their way back to the bed, both of them leading each other there with their matched desires. Together, they fall onto the bed, perpendicular to the right way. They were both entirely too wrapped up in each other to bother adjusting, so they just stayed the wrong way. But it didn’t feel wrong in the slightest.  
  
At first, it was David on top of Matteo, kissing into his mouth and hovering above his chest. But after a little while, David turned them over and let Matteo lie on top of him. Matteo was a little caught off guard, but he looked down into David’s dark eyes and felt his chest swell with honor and possibility.  
  
They kissed there for a while, Matteo perched over David as their hands roamed and hearts pounded. Then, with David’s hands under his shirt, delicate on the skin of his lower back, Matteo moved to kiss David’s neck. David gently tossed his head back and Matteo took full advantage of the access he had given him. Matteo kissed him there, over and over again until David’s head was practically hanging off the edge of the bed. Matteo was so stuck in the moment that it took him a moment to realize that David was speaking even though he felt the vibrations against his lips.  
  
“Oh my god, Matteo, did your display case vomit all over your floor or something?”  
  
Matteo paused for a moment, trying to recalibrate his brain to understand words. He had two forces working against his comprehension at that moment, but he eventually got there with the memory of peppering his floor with music boxes that morning. He laughed a little as he realized David must have seen them from his upside-down position underneath him.  
  
David looked up at Matteo, curious and enthralled, and Matteo dropped his head down to David’s chest.  
  
“Maybe,” he said. David shifted under him so that his head rested on the bed again. Matteo moved a little to look at his face and his eyes caught his nose ring. “I was sort of reminiscing.”  
  
“It's kind of beautiful,” David said. “I love your music box collection.”  
  
“Thank you,” Matteo said. He was silent for a moment, mind starting to wrestle with the difference between _“I won’t wait around for music boxes that are never going to come”_ and the fact that David was there, under him and holding onto his back. “Will you help me put them up? Like maybe right now?”  
  
“Absolutely,” David said. “We have all the time in the world to kiss. I can promise you that. I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
Matteo smiled softly at him, then got up. David did the same and they started picking up the music boxes together. It was silent, and Matteo wanted to talk. He knew they had things to discuss and he had words roaming around his head that he knew would only make sense aloud. But he couldn’t seem to find a way to open his mouth and he hated the way that felt.  
  
“What’s on your mind?” David asked. Matteo heard his voice and didn’t let himself think as he scooped up a chestnut brown music box from the floor.  
  
“Music boxes,” Matteo said. The words traveled between his lips and he savored the way his tongue felt freer afterward. He stood up and saw David staring back at him a little scared. “I’m okay,” he said quickly. “No regrets or evil little voices in my head.”  
  
David just froze, then walked to the case. “How did you know about that?”  
  
“Because I know you,” Matteo said. He held the music box out to David, who took it from him, meditative, careful, and eye contactless. “I know that you don’t let yourself have good things because you don’t think they are possible for you or that you’re worthy of them.”  
  
David placed the music box in the case, then took a few steps away. “You know, Matteo,” David said. He picked up a pearly white music box and walked it over to the case. “That night we spent together was the beginning of me realizing that about myself. After that night, I actually started calling good things ‘music boxes’ in my head.”  
  
“Really?” Matteo asked. David turned to look at him, and his glance was so intense that Matteo just had to reach down for another music box.  
  
“Yeah. We talked about how music boxes are rare and hard to come by, which is how I think about good things. And while the scarcity of music boxes makes you want them more, it makes me run in the other direction.”  
  
“And I was a music box that night for you,” Matteo said, a bit sadly. He put a music box in the case and looked back to David who stood with his head hanging. “That’s why you left. You didn’t think this would work out, so you ran.”  
  
“I’ve got shitty coping mechanisms,” David said to the ground. He balled one fist and looked up to Matteo. “That I’m committed to overcoming.”  
  
“You’re doing good,” Matteo said kindly. He took a few purposefully steps over to David, smiling and shrugging his shoulders. “You’re here.”  
  
“You believe me when I say I’m not going anywhere, right?” David asked. Matteo could feel the anguish pulsating off David. He wanted to soothe him, so he reached out to his clenched fist and worked to hold it as David talked. “I’m in this for the long haul. Matteo, you are rare, but not impossible. I love you, I trust you and I believe in you. This thing between us— you were right. It’s beautiful and meant to be and something that we are going to forge a path for. We need it. We want it. And we will work for it. And that’s all it takes.”  
  
“I’m definitely with you there,” Matteo said. He leaned forward and kissed David’s cheek, then pulled back to see David’s small, warm smile. Matteo felt his own lips turn into a smile as his mind moved ahead. “Hey, want to hear about my music box metaphor?”  
  
“You have one too?” David asked, eyebrows raising.  
  
“Yeah, it’s not as cut a dry; figures,” Matteo said. He let go of David’s hand and went back to grabbing music boxes. “But basically, music boxes are love, I guess? Like, the actual music boxes stopped coming because my parents couldn’t love me the way I needed anymore. For different reasons, but still. They couldn’t love me, so I lost them and their music boxes. Then I lost you and your music box too. But not because you’re a shitty person. And I knew that this whole week, but I wasn’t in a great place and it took time to make sense of it. To realize that you just weren’t—”  
  
“Ready,” David said. He took the word right out of Matteo’s mouth. Matteo turned to look at him, glad and impressed.  
  
“Exactly,” Matteo said. David stared up at him with deep emotion behind his eyes as he held a music box in his hand. Matteo smiled and set the box in his own hands down in the case, then turned to grab the last one from the floor. “Honestly, I wasn’t ready either. I had to put the work in on myself before I could ever accept your music box or give you back mine. Today, I’m more comfortable with myself and my life than I ever have been. I learned to be open with people and found my way to super awesome truths and took control of my life. I can honestly say that I love myself. And that I know now that self-love is at the core of everything. I can’t depend on music boxes from other people to be happy. I need my own music box, first and foremost. And I know that even if there is never another music box in sight, I have my own and that’s enough for me to be happy. So, music box wise,” Matteo said. He stepped up to the case and carefully put the last music box inside. “I think these are memories for me. Something that I used to need, but don’t anymore. But they are something I’ll still keep with me because they make my life more beautiful.”  
  
Satisfied, Matteo closed the doors to the display cases and locked the latch. He felt David come up behind him and smiled with his heart when he heard his voice.  
  
“You can do this life on your own, but you don’t want to. And you shouldn’t have to.”  
  
Matteo stepped back into David. He found David’s hands by his sides and pulled his arms up around him. David wrapped him up tighter and Matteo’s hands settled on David’s arms. “Yeah.”  
  
“I feel the same way,” David said. “I could get by on my own. I’ve been doing that for years. But it wasn’t living. It was surviving. And I’m done with that. I’m ready to live. And life is better with love in it.”  
  
Matteo took a breath and turned around to face David as he stayed in his arms. “And love is real. It’s possible,” Matteo said. He grabbed David’s hand and held it right between their chests. “And it’s right here.”  
  
Then, slow and tender. David kissed him. There was meaning in every movement their lips took together, and Matteo never wanted it to stop. But eventually, they both tired of standing and decided it was probably time to head to bed. Neither of them were hungry for dinner because with the sun setting on the long day they had both had, nothing sounded better than settling in for the night until they fell asleep.  
  
Not ready to change clothes in front of each other yet, Matteo led David to his closet and told him to wear anything he wanted. Matteo grabbed a loose-fitting white shirt and the most comfortable pair of pants he had and left to change in his room.  
  
With his white t-shirt hanging off his shoulder just a little, he sat down crossed-legged on his bed and waited for David. When he emerged, Matteo blushed at his selection; loose grey pants and the striped red and black sweater Matteo had worn the day they met.  
  
“You know, Matteo,” David said. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he stopped outside the bathroom door. Matteo’s blush vanished as his face fell concerned. “I’m more than happy with the way our conversation went, but you didn’t exactly answer me when I asked if you believed I wasn’t going anywhere. And I just really want to make sure you know that. And how sorry I am.”  
  
“Oh, David, yeah, I know,” Matteo said. He put his hands out, gesturing for David to come to him. David did, and sat down across from him, cross-legged with their knees pushing together. “I read your letter. I know you’ve grown. I know you’re putting the work in. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. And I know you love me, like, so much. It’s in every word you wrote to me and in every look you give me and every touch we share. I know you’re not going anywhere. Partly because you don’t want to, but also because you’re letting me make sure you don’t. And, I mean, I’m not trapping you here. You can leave whenever you want. But I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you feel safe enough to stay.”  
  
“Fuck, Matteo, I’m staying,” David said, intense and emotional. “I’m staying. Today and every day you’ll have me.”  
  
Eyes glistening, David scooted forward. He grabbed Matteo around his middle and pulled him in for a hug. Matteo smiled even as his heart broke at all the pain that David had been through. He scooted closer and wrapped his arms tight around David’s shoulders. Then, David moved his legs out from in-between them and wrapped them around Matteo’s seated hips. Matteo nuzzled his face into David’s neck and let David pull him ever closer. Matteo chuckled when he realized he needed to move his legs too. He repositioned so his legs were wrapped around David that same and let out a long, happy breath when he felt their chest press against each other.  
  
Matteo floated there with David for a moment, then pulled back a little to speak directly to him.  
  
“Then you’re staying every day. Because I will love you every single day and trust you every single day and know how sorry you are and how committed you are to me every single day,” Matteo said. David held him tighter and Matteo replaced his head on David’s shoulder. “And I’m committed and sorry too.”  
  
Quickly, David sat up straighter and lifted his head from his shoulder. Matteo felt his guilt return and, much slower, also sat up. David looked at him with the lines of his face hard and skin tinted red with distress. “What do you have to be sorry for?”  
  
“I should have ended things with Sara the moment I realized I was into you,” Matteo said. “Which means that I probably should have never started things with her. I mean, we were barely ever together and you’re still my one and only. But I made you feel like a dirty secret—”  
  
“And then you proclaimed your love for me in front of everyone,” David said, insistent. “I accept your apology, but trust me, it is barely necessary.”  
  
“Okay. And I accept yours, if that wasn’t clear,” Matteo said. A smile crept up to his lips. “So, no more apologizing, okay?”  
  
“I’ll try. I just,” David said. He stuttered a little, his brows furrowed and he looked away. His nerves and uncertainty were clear to Matteo and he hated seeing him in pain. Desperate to comfort him, Matteo rested his head on David’s shoulder again and gently grazed his fingers up and down his back. “Matteo, I have so much to tell you about me and the things I’ve been through and the learning curve I’m on.”  
  
“Nothing you can tell me will scare me away,” Matteo said. He was so sure of that fact as he closed his eyes.  
  
“I, um, I know,” David said. He put his head back on Matteo’s shoulder. Just moments later, Matteo felt warm tears on his skin. “I want to tell you everything right here, right now. I want to share my life with you 100% and I want to feel your unconditional love even more than I already do. But I’m just so tired and empty and emotional and, fuck. I think, um, I think I got sort of caught up in everything and forgot that I almost— it was almost all over. I just— I— fuck— I don’t— I didn’t—”  
  
“Shhh, shh,” Matteo said. He lifted a hand to the back of David’s head, caressing his hair and holding him closer. “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about everything tonight. You said it yourself; we have all the time in the world. There will come a day when we have the energy to match that desire we have to share everything and accept each other and feel that acceptance. There will come a day when we aren’t still reeling from today. Because, yeah, today was a lot. Good, bad—”  
  
“Exceptionally beautiful and straight-up terrifying,” David said. He burrowed his face further into Matteo’s skin, then took a deep breath and let it out with a soft, little scream.  
  
“Yeah, for sure,” Matteo said, chuckling a little. He lifted his head from David’s shoulder and David did the same. “We’re allowed to be exhausted and unproductive and take our time and just be. We have to feel what we are feeling right now. Accept it as it is. Someday, it will pass. But that isn’t today and we can’t force it to be. Today, we just hold each other and do what feels right in this moment. That’s all we can ask of ourselves.”  
  
“God, you’re so wise,” David said. He brought a hand around to his face and wiped away what was left of the few tears he had cried. “You always have been, but damn, you’ve really found your way to articulating it all.”  
  
Then, suddenly, Matteo felt a buzzing eagerness under his skin. It was almost as if David hadn’t just been subtly crying in his arms. The thought of telling David about mental health had catapulted to the front of his mind and it was such a tantalizing thought.  
  
“Do you want to know how?” Matteo asked. He bit his lip, stopping himself from just spilling it all because the last thing he wanted to do was rip David’s moment away from him or make him feel overwhelmed. He knew how much those things hurt.  
  
“There’s a how?” David asked. He eyed at him with curiosity and interest.   
  
“Yeah. But it’s okay if you don’t feel up for hearing about it right now,” Matteo said. He sat up straightener and dragged his hands down David’s back. “But I do think I have the energy to share this right now and I really, really want to share this with you. Like, David, my whole life got made. But, we can table it if you want.”  
  
“No, if this is what I think it is, then we are talking about it right now,” David said. “Are you saying that...”  
  
He stopped, leaving his mouth open. He stared at Matteo with so much anticipation and understanding. Matteo was absolutely sure David knew exactly what he was talking about.  
  
“There’s a name,” Matteo said. He felt joy taking over his body as David held onto his sides. “A reason. An answer.”  
  
“There is? You found it?” David asked. His face was glowing with so much pride and enchantment.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said. He was so sure his sheer bliss was going to explode out from his skin as he beamed. “They call it mental illness. I have a mental illness.”  
  
“Oh my god, Matteo, that’s amazing!” David said. He and Matteo were already close, but David hugged him impossibly tighter. Matteo fell into him as he closed his eyes in joy. Trying to hug him even tighter, David pushed against him and squeezed him so hard that they tumbled down onto the bed together. They both laughed heartily as David collapsed on top of Matteo. They tried to untangle and retangle their limbs so no part of them got uncomfortably crushed, but Matteo didn’t even care. He could hear his own laugh blending together with David’s and that was all that mattered. Settled on the bed next to each other and very much still embracing each other, David pressed his forehead against Matteo’s. “I’m so happy for you.”  
  
Matteo pressed back and smiled. “I have so much to tell you.”  
  
“Okay, then here’s the plan,” David said. There was a sparkle in his eye and he sounded softly authoritative. It lit Matteo up even more than before, which he didn’t even know was possible. “We’re going to get under the covers and I’m going to hold you while you tell me everything you have the energy to tell me until we fall asleep. Sound good?”  
  
“Sounds perfect,” Matteo said. He felt warm all over as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to David’s lips, then pushed him away with a laugh. “As long as you get the lights.”  
  
David smiled at Matteo as he got out of bed. Matteo scooted back and picked up the comforter to crawl under. As he did, the lights went out and he felt David back on the bed with him. They worked together to positioned Matteo between his legs, David’s chin on his head and arms draped over his chest. Matteo was pretty sure there was no better way for them to sit.  
  
As he spoke, Matteo played with David’s hands and raked his fingers up and down David’s arms. The movement comforted him as he told David everything knew about mental illness and everything he had been through that week. He talked for a long time, his voice soft and peppered with yawns. 

Every time Matteo half thought to check in with David, he would do something subtle as if to remind him that he was still awake, still there, still listening. It was a kiss to the top of the head when Matteo described how he felt during the episode, a disgruntled sigh at Jonas’ mistake with the locks, a smile pressed into his hair at how Amira had gifted him knowledge, a tug closer to his chest at the wisdom and courage he displayed during his bath, and a hand intertwined with his at how Matteo finally felt like he could understand himself.  
  
Matteo had never felt more listened to. He knew that was odd since the whole arena had listened to him with bated breath earlier that day. But the way David let him rattle off every word on his mind without judgment and with active interest was glorious.  
  
Almost as glorious as how, when he declared himself out of energy and ready to sleep, David shifted to lie facing him on the bed, kissed him tenderly, and thanked him for sharing so much of himself. Matteo snuggled up closer to David. They fell asleep with Matteo tucked under David’s arm and his face pressed to his chest.  
  
The next morning, Matteo woke up facing the other direction. The only warmth on his body came from the comforter, but he wasn’t even awake enough to worry. He just yawned, stretched his arm up over his head, and turned over in bed. Then, he saw David, the side of his face pressed into the pillow as he faced Matteo with his eyes shut. Still asleep, his mouth was open as he breathed, soft and steady. Matteo smiled gentle and personal with the satisfaction of waking up to the man he loved and snuggled closer once again.  
  
— — — 2 — — — 

David wasn’t the kind of person who enjoyed days off. They always made his soul feel restless, like he had an itch he couldn’t quite scratch. But the week or so he and Matteo spent taking a break from the world together was pure bliss. It was late nights and even later mornings, it was kisses whenever they felt like, it was brilliant conversations, it was fits of uncontrollable laughter, it was learning new things about each other that were somehow both surprising and extremely comforting, it was never letting go of each other’s touch, but also knowing that if they did, it wouldn’t be long before they were back in each other’s arms.   
  
The first time they were truly apart from each other was when, after 24 hours in Matteo’s room, David ventured out on Matteo’s behalf to find someone to reinstall the locks on his door. He found Hans who sent a team up immediately. On his way back, though, David found the royal library and his jaw dropped. It was bookcases for miles and endless pleasure. He took what anyone else would have called more than his fair share of books back with him.  
  
That night, with the door locked and a satisfied smile on Matteo’s face, David read to him. From then on, they had countless adventures in fiction and nonfiction books alike. David felt like he was finally getting what he needed, the words pouring into his brain like he had always craved, and Matteo said having books read out loud made reading fun, not like a core.  
  
Eating was still a bit of a chore for Matteo, though. It was hard to watch Matteo turn away or suffer through the meals Hans brought to them, but David knew that Matteo was doing his best. No one knew how long mental health episodes lasted, but Matteo said he still felt like he was in his episode, albeit at the end. David had no problem with Matteo being in an episode, but his heart still ached when Matteo refused to change clothes or turn over in bed because things like that felt like climbing a mountain. He wanted him to feel better, but Matteo was doing his best and no one saw that more than David. And, David did everything he could to support him, whether that was holding him while he cried or telling him funny stories from his childhood or coming up with creative solutions to some of Matteo’s more tangible problems.  
  
For example, when Matteo mentioned that he was tired of eating food that wasn’t cooked precisely how he liked but wasn’t quite keen on the idea of getting back into the kitchen yet, David told him he was a quick learner. Matteo’s face lit up and he was the one who led David down the stairs, all the way down to the kitchen.   
  
It was only one day— three meals— of Matteo teaching David how to make his sandwich and his favorite pasta dishes before Matteo declared that the one thing David couldn’t do was cook. David scoffed but listened dutifully when Matteo told him his food was still more personal than the chiefs, banished him to counter duty, and got to work chopping tomatoes.  
  
David and Matteo would both say that him beginning to cook again was the turning point that brought him out of the episode. It was a soothing, grounding activity for him and David was so happy to see him truly feeling better. He was proud of every dish that Matteo placed in front of him, and even more proud of the man who had made not just the food, but his path out of his darkest times over and over again. He knew he would feel pride in his chest every day he spent with Matteo.  
  
But David also knew that he was missing art. He had scorched up a sketchbook at the palace and had certainly spent a good bit of time drawing, but he missed his paints. And as much as he loved living in Matteo’s wardrobe, he missed his own clothes. And the feeling of the sun on his skin. Wind in his hair. Fresh, crisp autism air in his lungs. Even Matteo, who hadn’t seen more than his room, the kitchen and the stairs, said a change of scenery would be nice, maybe even somewhere outside of the palace. It had been five days, after all.  
  
Five days and David still hadn’t told Matteo everything about his week of healing. He knew Matteo understood the crux of things, and even though he wanted to hear the whole story and see the healing paintings David mentioned, he was so incredibly patient. He knew that David needed to live a few days without his traumatic memories and hard to swallow realizations. He needed space to build up the courage to fully share his life because he was still not entirely used to that.

But after living in the bubble with Matteo for five days— falling even more in love with him and seeing how seamlessly Matteo’s mental illness was a part of their bubble— the courage to bring his own demons into their buddle was ripe under David’s skin. But to share it all, their bubble needed to get a little bigger; they both needed those paintings and so much more that could only come to them on the other side of the castle wall.  
  
So, after a few minutes of lazily talking about Matteo’s lack of experience with Clarence City while David made the bed and Matteo thumbed through the day planner Amira had gotten him before going back to Yogalla, David threw out an idea.  
  
“You want to sneak out? Go to my place?” he asked. He tossed a pillow onto the bed and casually looked up at Matteo.  
  
Matteo looked up from the planner, clearly processing. Then he swiftly slammed the planner down on the desk, stood up, and looked to David.  
  
“Yes,” Matteo said emphatically. “But I’m not climbing out the window.” Matteo paused, clearly bracing himself and holding back a laugh. But David simply tilted his head with a mixture of hatred and affection. He raised his brows as he stared at him and flipped him off. Matteo just smiled back. “Too soon?”  
  
David rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh through his nose. He grabbed the last pillow from the ground and thrust it onto the bed.  
  
“Come on,” he said. He fixed the pillow and started walking to Matteo on the other side of the room. “We can take the secret stairs to the dungeon, go through there, and up to the garden. Shimmy through the gate and we’re golden.”  
  
David reached the other side of the bed and looked for his shoes. But then he heard Matteo’s voice and looked up at his simultaneously flabbergasted and entranced face.  
  
“My boyfriend’s an escape artist,” he said into the distance.  
  
Feeling fiercely affectionate and maybe just a tad possessive at the word _“boyfriend,”_ David abandoned his search for his shoes. He walked right up to Matteo, put one hand on his waist, grabbed his hand, and tugged Matteo towards him.  
  
“Is that a problem?” David asked sly.  
  
“No,” Matteo said quickly. David could practically feel Matteo’s heart speeding up in his chest. _Or maybe that’s my own chest._ Caught in the feeling, he wasn’t ready for Matteo’s next words. “Not when I get to escape with you.”   
  
Feeling simultaneously in control and swept off his feet, David took a split second longer to respond than he normally would. Matteo definitely noticed; his smirk gave him away.  
  
“Good,” David said. “Because that’s the only escaping I plan on doing from here on out.”  
  
Matteo’s smile faded the tiniest bit. It was such a small change that David knew he was the only person in the world who would have noticed it. Then, Matteo’s lips were on his. David could feel the reassurance that Matteo trusted him to stay tucked in between his lips, where David’s lower lip found its home. They separated at the same time, and David smiled with a nod at Matteo. Sure of each other, they let go and processed to get ready.  
  
It was easy and fun to escape as planned, but when they reached the garden, they realized it was raining. It was just a sprinkle when they first got outside, but after a moment or two of standing there, it started to pick up. They just looked at each other with smug smiles, shrugged, and joined hands. Then, they ran.  
  
It was a rush from the moment David felt his feet hit the ground. The rain started falling on them and it was ridiculous, really. They didn’t have to be doing this. In fact, they probably shouldn’t have been. It wasn’t exactly safe for the newly out king to be roaming free in the city with no one but his anti-monarchist boyfriend who had partly inspired him to propose the end of the monarchy.  
  
But by the time they were running through the city, it became clear that there weren’t many people out in the rain. It was safer and there was more space for them to just be free together. But their safety almost didn’t even matter to David because he just couldn’t keep his eyes off Matteo and couldn’t keep his heart from fluttering up to control every limb of his wet body.  
  
David couldn’t even count the number of times he had dreamed about bringing Matteo home, running through Clarence City with him and watching him fall in love with life outside the castle walls. Never did David imagine that he would actually knock the castle walls down, but they rumbled under Matteo’s resilience and power nonetheless. But even with their world changing around them, watching Matteo run through the rain, letting the water soak into his skin, laughing freely up at the sky, sticking his tongue out to catch raindrops and looking at David with that goofy grin that made his eyes crinkle— it all made David feel infinitely happy. _This is the life I want for Matteo._  
  
Then Matteo almost tripped into a puddle. Eyes wide and reflexes quick, David reached out and grabbed him around his middle, spinning him around and listening to his beautiful giggle cascade through the nearly empty streets.  
  
In that moment, David knew this was the life he wanted for himself too— free, in love, totally in sync with his person and perfectly content to let the rain ruin his hair and soak his clothes because _when you’re this happy, nothing can bring you down._ David had never felt like that before. It made him smile bigger, run faster, dance in the streets, and pull Matteo in for a kiss in the rain because he was truly a romantic at heart.   
  
By the time they reached David’s house, they were absolutely soaked. They trudged water into the house even after they tried to dry off with a few widely insufficient towels. Slipping more into his practical nature even as his heart continued to beat out his chest, David declared they needed to wait until they were totally dry before getting out the paintings and they needed to change clothes.   
  
Matteo agreed and waited patiently for David to grab him dry clothes from under his bed. When David walked over to him with some pants and the sweater he had worn during his time in the dungeon, Matteo just looked at him with a pleased and devious smirk.  
  
“Is this your way of acknowledging that you wore the sweater I was wearing the day we met for two days straight?”  
  
“Shut up,” David said. He felt a bit caught and red in the face, but then he straightened his back and shifted his weight with his head tilt. “Do you want to wear my clothes or not?”  
  
Matteo just scrunched his face up, took the clothes from David, and went to the bathroom. David changed into something less wet and less nostalgic, then waited for Matteo. When he came out, he went directly to their kitchen. David affectionately watched him make tea to help them warm up and pass the time. They chatted about nothing and everything, but when Matteo hopped up onto the counter to drink his tea, David couldn’t help but tell him about just how well he thought Matteo and Linn would get along.  
  
Talking about Linn segued them to talking about the whole crew and before long, David’s cup was almost empty, his skin was dry and he loved how ready he felt. He set his cup down on the counter he was leaning against and looked up at Matteo across the kitchen.  
  
“I think it’s time to tell you the full story of our week apart. Of even before that,” David said. He pushed himself away from the counter and went to Matteo. He reached out to help him off the counter.  
  
Matteo put down his cup and accepted his hand. “Such a gentleman,” he said quietly.  
  
David blushed and led them over to the drafting table. He grabbed the folder full of his healing paintings and guided Matteo to sit on the floor with him. From there, David started laying out the paintings and speaking everything he had to speak.  
  
His retelling of the week wasn’t as linear as David wanted it to be, but he followed the paintings and Matteo seemed to follow him. He interjected with his insights, expressed his interest, drew lines between dots, and comforted David with the look in his eye, his gentle touch, and his kind words of care.  
  
With Matteo’s support echoing in his ear, David kept going. He spoke his truth even when it filled his chest with heartache. He brought Matteo into the things he had been through and how they colored his life. He told Matteo that it was he who had slowly, then all once, broken him free of all his self-inflicted chains. He shared with Matteo how he had started down the path to healing— to becoming whole again, to accepting his realities without judgment, to living comfortably with fear, to trusting in the world enough to love for real. He made sure Matteo knew it was a path he was glad to be walking and that there was no looking back.   
  
Eventually, the floor was entirely full of paintings and David sat tucked under Matteo’s arm with his head on his shoulder. There was only one painting left in the open folder in front of them; Matteo with purple and yellow starlight pouring down over him as he looked up at the stars.  
  
“I painted this one right before Mia told me about internalized oppression,” David said. “It was the first moment where I genuinely thought, ‘maybe just maybe we were possible.’ Because if you could believe, maybe I could too. If you could carry on despite everything, maybe I could too. I mean, look at you here in this piece. You have this radiant hope in your eyes that is so true to life. You’re always looking for the light, Matteo; searching and believing and then feeling the light on your skin when you do find it. I’ve always admired you for your hope.”  
  
“That’s beautiful, David,” Matteo said. There was a dejectedness in his voice that sent unwelcomed shivers of concern down David’s back. “But I’m not hopeful.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” David asked. Matteo was silent, and after a moment David got up from where he sat. He scooted around to sit on his legs across from Matteo and tried to look up at him. But Matteo just looked down, a little scared and maybe ashamed. David gently reached forward and put his hands out to him. “Matteo,” he said softly. “Can you talk to me?”  
  
It took Matteo a moment, but he moved his hands to David’s and started tracing along the lines of his hands. Then he spoke, down to the floor and sadder than David ever liked to see him. This wasn’t episode sad. This was self-hatred sad.  
  
“If I’m so hopeful, why did I give up on the idea of falling in love? Why did I think I would die alone? Why did I decide to find a queen?” Matteo asked faintly. “Why did I think that my only option was to be sent away like my mother? Why did I fall so deep into a place where I couldn’t see a single way out and I felt like my episode would last forever?”  
  
“Because that’s what happens in an episode. You can’t judge yourself on that,” David said fast. He moved forward and his knees brushed against Matteo’s folded legs. “Matteo. I know everything you just told me is true, but everything I’m about to tell you is also true. When you felt the slightest possibility of romance with me, you went for it. I was an anti-treasonist criminal in the dungeon who hated your guts, but there was something there between us. You felt that shred of hope and you went after it no matter how hard it got. And it got pretty hard. But you never wavered. You believed in me and in us even when you were the only one. Then, when you fell down to your darkest place, you didn’t give up. You stayed alive, stayed fighting. You let Amira come into your room and tell you about mental health. Even before that. You’ve lived your whole life with a mental illness that you had no words for and no community around. You had no weapons in your arsenal. What does that mean for most people? Giving up. But not you. You carried on. If you thought there was nothing but more pain waiting for you, you wouldn’t have woken up every day, gone to your lessons, taken up the crown and ruled over this kingdom. There’s something inside you that says ‘don’t give up, keep moving, someday it will get better and if that day isn’t tomorrow, it might be the next.’ Call that thing whatever you want, but I think hope is a pretty good word for it.”   
  
Matteo was silent for a moment as he continued to draw delicate shapes and lines on David’s hand. David knew he could have kept going, but he wanted Matteo to process and come to it on his own. And just like he knew he would eventually, he did.  
  
Matteo dropped his hands and crawled over to the open folder. David turned to watch him grab the painting and hold it up with both hands.  
  
“Always searching for light. Always believing there’s a little bit of it somewhere out there waiting for me. Knowing that I just have to keep moving forward enough to get to it. I like that,” Matteo said slowly. “I guess I always thought hope was actively fighting for good things. But you’re right. Hope is in everything you do when you keep going despite everything telling you to stop. Hope can be passive, living under your skin and pushing you along, even without you knowing it. I’ve been hopeful my whole life.”  
  
“Yeah, you have. That hope under your skin will always be there and it is so powerful,” David said. “And sometimes, you take that hope out from under your skin and scatter it on everyone. Like at the arena. You lifted those people up and gave them hope. You gave me hope. And you have from the moment we met. I have hope under my skin now thanks to you. And because of you, I know that I can let it push me along. I can rely on that hope that things will get better someday because the universe isn’t against me. And, on the days when it is against me, I have the power to use that hope to make things better. To live, not just survive.”  
  
“Fuck, now you’re saying I empower you?” Matteo asked. David smiled softly as Matteo chuckled; there was wonder laced in the angelic sound. Then, Matteo carefully set down the painting, turned toward David, and crawled over to him so their legs were brushing up against each other. “Every time you paint me, I see myself in a new light. This is what I’m talking about; you understand me and show me myself and then I learn to love myself.”  
  
“I’ve always wished that you could see you like I see you,” David said. He reached out and intertwined their fingers. “Strong, brave, wise, intelligent, beautiful inside and out, funny, sweet, hopefully, and so, so powerful.”  
  
Matteo looked down, so shy with his perfect cheekbones just a bit rosy. “You think I’m beautiful?”  
  
David smiled at him tenderly and untangled one of his hands from Matteo’s. Fingers delicate and firm, he lifted Matteo’s chin up to look at him. David’s chest brimmed with affection as he stared into Matteo’s attentive blue eyes.

“Matteo, my love, you are more beautiful than the light of every star in the night sky.”  
  
Matteo sat frozen, astounded and astounding. David could tell just how overwhelmed with joy and affection he was. It shone on his face and David never wanted to stop looking at him. It was clear Matteo didn’t have any words, but he didn’t need them. David didn’t need them either.  
  
He just scooped Matteo up in his arms and brought him onto his lap. Matteo wrapped his legs around David’s lower back as he settled there. David brought his hands up to cradle the back of Matteo’s head so he was supported as fully as he deserved and so they could continue to see each there. They stared at each other for a moment, their love reverberating in the air.  
  
David half thought to kiss Matteo, but that somehow didn’t feel right. Then, before he could think of what would be right, Matteo did the perfect thing. He fell onto his shoulder, burying his face in David and squeezing him tight around the shoulders. David simply smiled contently and returned the hug. He planted a soft kiss on Matteo’s shoulder and closed his eyes in peace.  
  
— — — 3 — — — 

Matteo’s episode coming to close wasn’t something that happened in one moment. It happened over a few days as his functioning and enjoyment of life ebbed and flowed as it climbed back up to his normal levels. Matteo knew that. But Matteo also knew that after returning from David’s place, he felt entirely past it and profoundly glad to feel like he could exist in the world again.  
  
He told David that late that night as he wrote a letter to Genevieve explaining how he had fallen in love with the king and all that meant for him. David had been proud, of course, but the way he squirmed a bit at the distraction from his letter was adorably endearing to Matteo. He just smiled, kissed his temple, and crawled into bed to get some nice sleep as David wrote.   
  
They had another few days of staying in together, but pretty soon it was time for life to go back to normal. Not that life was normal anymore, not when Matteo was out, had a boyfriend, and was about to lead the kingdom to their first-ever election. But it was normal in the sense that David went back to work at the metal shop and Matteo’s schedule filled with kingly duties.  
  
Matteo figured it was a new normal that consisted of making the changes that needed to be made to Florenzia and spending time with his people. For a few days, this was all the new normal consisted of and Matteo walked around with a smile on his face. He and David had fought for this life with the hope that David had showed him was real within him. Matteo had needed to hear those words from David, and he loved getting to hold them close to his heart as he lived out the new normal.  
  
But there was an aspect to the new normal that Matteo hadn’t anticipated and didn’t particularly like. He was living in a world where he knew about his mental illness, which was a good thing. But he was also living in a world where he had been through an episode. Matteo told himself it was over. And maybe it was. Or maybe it wasn’t. Or maybe this was a new one. Or maybe he was just noticing things more clearly because he knew what to look for now.  
  
Whatever it was, the characteristics of an episode were there, settling into his skin and peeking out from behind his joy. The joy was still there; this was different from the onset of his first episode. That time, it had been all of a sudden, triggered by heartbreak and fear. But Matteo could see no discernable trigger besides maybe how much work he had to do after two weeks off.  
  
He truly did have so much on his plate. He still had to do all his regular work to keep the kingdom of Florenzia running, but now he had the additional task of working out how to put the very fabric of Florenzia up for a vote. That wasn’t a simple undertaking. The advisors he had left were mostly on board, but a few were still unsure about how the vote would work, how a new government would work, how they would handle the transition. A few weren’t even sure why they were doing this— some asked why Matteo didn’t just make the call himself and some still didn’t see the need to make a call in the first place. He quickly tired of explaining himself over and over, but that wasn’t the worst part.  
  
The worst part was the sheer number of tasks to do, things to think about, questions to ask, answers to find, people to consult, plans to be made. It was entirely overwhelming. 

Which was maybe why this episode seemed to be marked more by the world pressing down on him than by his own heart crumbling to bits. He slowly lost his ability to keep his eyes open form words in meetings, then slowly but surely, elsewhere as well. But the root of that wasn’t the emotions he felt or didn’t feel. It was the things that he felt so profoundly.

He felt the sun burning his skin, hurting his eyes. He felt people’s voices shaking his bones, ringing in his ears. He felt food settling in his stomach, sticking with his taste buds for hours. He felt fabric rough against his legs, twisting his mind into a headache. He even felt his own body taking up twice the space in the world, which didn’t feel good even though the world was taking up twice the space in his consciousness.  
  
With so much sensory input beating down on him and making a home inside him for days, there wasn’t room for much else; sleep, thoughts, words, actions. He had a little room to chastise himself though, to wonder how David would spin this to be hopeful and then get mad at himself for not recognizing how he was carrying on through it all.  
  
He still went to all his meetings. He knew he wasn’t doing a good job, and that ate him up inside like it never used to. But he pushed and he pushed and he pushed until he just couldn’t push anymore.  
  
The lights in the meeting hall were too bright. The voices were too loud and they didn’t make any sense. He felt empty and full at the same time. Sad and confused at how he even felt an emotion when all he could really feel was his nose burning with the smell of the taste of the citrus chicken he ate for dinner the night before.  
  
Matteo felt his bones getting heavier by the second as he sat in a deeply uncomfortable chair in the middle of the meeting hall’s long table. At the same time, though, he felt that if he didn’t leave that room, he would drown in something dark and thick. As if he wasn’t already being swallowed by it. Four days of faking your way through the start of an episode will do that to you, make you feel trapped underneath an inescapable blanket of anguish.  
  
But Matteo needed to escape it. The person next to him— not that he knew who that was— had a cup of coffee with a terrible wafting smell that made Matteo wonder if it was morning or afternoon and made him want to run for a thousand miles even though he didn’t even think his body would let him stand up.  
  
But he needed to stand up because that person next to him lifted the coffee cup off the table and it made a clanking sound against the ring on his finger that shattered into Matteo at the same time it reminded him he knew how to escape.  
  
_My room. Quiet. Alone. Dark. Mostly. Enough._  
  
Then, Matteo heard lips next to him. A sip, a suction, a horror. And his whole body clenched and somehow a real though broke through.  
  
_Take it out of your skin and scatter that shit.  
  
“It”_ was his hope, he knew that in his gut. He had been carrying on, but he knew it was time to take his hope and do something with it. It was time to fight. Not fight himself— he knew that shame wasn’t the answer. It was time to fight for himself and what he needed. And what he needed was to be alone, to be in the dark, to not have to force his brain to work because the more he forced it, the more it betrayed him.  
  
Then, he heard the coffee gush down the throat of the person next to him and Matteo stood up from the table. The world spun around him and his vision went spotty, but he stood up. Then, a moment later, in the stunned silence, he turned away and left the meeting.  
  
He heard voices calling after him as he walked out of the room. It sounded like the voices were maybe saying his name. But then he heard other voices saying words that sounded vaguely like, “let him be” and “we’ll check on him soon.” So, Matteo kept waking.  
  
He walked until he got to the stairs. Then he stopped. And he wanted to cry.  
  
He wanted to cry because he really just wanted to be in his bed, but there were stairs in front of him and he couldn’t get higher than the third one no matter how hard he tried. He wanted to cry because he thought he was supposed to be happy, but there he was, stuck on the stairs because he wasn’t over this shit. And that made him want to cry even harder because he knew that this mental illness thing was life long and he truly was fine with that, but he just didn’t think he would be back in the dark part of it so soon. And that just made him want to cry even harder because he knew how great crying would feel but that it was out of reach in that moment because he was stuck lying on the stairs with no energy and so much exhaustion and an overwhelming desire to cry.  
  
But he couldn’t cry. He was too tired.  
  
So, he just laid there on the steps, trying to find his way to something, anything that could make the moment better. And, then, somewhere in his mindscape, he remembered what he had said to everyone that day in the arena. That Matteo felt like a distant memory, but at the same time, he knew that was still him. And he still believed that, _“You all have the power to change the world. It won’t be easy. It will take hard work and time. But it is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone. In fact, you can’t do it alone.”  
  
And that “you” includes me._  
  
So, Matteo put down the sword, surrendered to let his people catch him, and called out Jonas’ name.  
  
He spoke a few times, unsure of how loud he was, and then Jonas was there. Maybe he had heard him, but probably not. Regardless, Jonas was there, crouching down in front of him and asking, “How can I help?”   
  
Matteo had enough grasp on reality to know that much, but he didn’t think he had a good answer for Jonas. All he really wanted was to get to his bed and feel the way he felt when David was there. Then, he realized he did have a good enough answer after all.  
  
“I don’t know what you can do,” Matteo said, voice raw. He closed his eyes for longer than normal as he blinked but opened them as he took a deep, shallow breath. “This is a David moment.”  
  
“Then we’ll get David,” Jonas said. He looked to Hans, who Matteo hadn’t even noticed previously. Hans just nodded and left, then Jonas turned his attention back to Matteo. “Do you want me to sit here with you while we wait?”  
  
All Matteo could do was close his eyes and mutter out a yes. Then, he let go enough to lose the world around him. 

It was some time later when he heard the strongest, gentlest voice he knew. 

“Matteo, my love, I’m here.”  
  
Matteo opened his eyes just enough to see David. He sat next to him on the step and looked at him with the perfect mix of concern and acceptance. Matteo smiled a little, then reached out for David’s hand. David let him guide his hand to his side, then Matteo closed his eyes again.  
  
“Can you...” Matteo mumbled, losing his oomph mid-way through. He sighed and tried again. “Upstairs?”  
  
“Of course,” David said.  
  
Then, Matteo felt David moving and Matteo felt himself moving with him. He wasn’t sure how he did it, but David scooped him up in his arms and lifted him off the steps, strong and effortless. With one of David’s arms under his knees and the other around his back, Matteo reached up to grasp on to David’s neck for support.  
  
He felt them start to go up the stairs, and Matteo pushed his head against David’s collarbone. He felt it poke through to his temple and it made me feel simultaneously overstimulated and satisfied. He hated the way that feeling made his stomach churn and he briefly wondered if he was hungry.  
  
But then he felt David readjust his arm around Matteo’s back and Matteo remembered that whatever he was feeling, everything was going to be okay somehow.  
  
Eyes closed, Matteo missed a few moments and the next thing he knew, David was gently placing him on his bed. He was methodically careful, making sure each of his limbs settled into the plush comforter and his head cradled down onto the soft pillows.

Matteo smiled and opened his eyes as David finished putting him down. He caressed a hand through Matteo’s hair and kneeled down by the side of the bed.  
  
“Do you want me to hold you?” he asked.  
  
“No,” Matteo said. He feared he had answered too fast because David removed his hand from his hair. Matteo shut his eyes. “I, um, I just don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Everything is too much.”  
  
“Okay,” David said. Even in his state of distress, Matteo actually believed him. His voice was just so soft and perfect in his ears. He had been right; this was a David moment. Matteo smiled a little as he felt David place his forearms on the bed. He opened his eyes a smidge to see his chin resting on one arm as he settled in. “I’ll just stay right here then.”  
  
“Thank you. For that. For coming. Everything,” Matteo said earnestly. “I’m really sorry.”   
  
“Shh, don’t apologize,” David said. “This is what we do for each other.”   
  
Matteo didn’t know what to do besides reach out for David’s hand. David moved his hand to make it easier for him, but he let Matteo grab it in exactly the way he needed.  
  
They stayed like that for a while, and eventually, David started rubbing his thumb across Matteo’s skin hesitantly, then more confidently when Matteo didn’t stop him. It felt nice to Matteo, grounding.  
  
Matteo tried to process his way to the millions of words that swarmed in his head just out of reach. With David’s presence reminding him of the okayness of everything and calming down, he was able to reach the words he needed for the two most important things.  
  
“David?” Matteo asked, soft and scratchy. David lifted his head from the bed, looked at him, and hummed a little in response. “Can you do me two favors?”  
  
“Of course,” he said.  
  
Matteo took a deep breath, clinging to his courage. “Can help me get under the covers and can you fill in for me at the meeting?”  
  
“What? I mean, yes. Let me—” David said. His voice was just as scrambled as his movements were as he got up and started helping Matteo shift to under the covers. “You want me to fill in at the meeting? Can’t they just reschedule?”  
  
“To when?” Matteo asked. He realized that he was suddenly speaking louder and was half glad to hear it. “I don’t know when I’ll be up to going. If I ever will.”  
  
“Matteo—” David sighed as he held the edge of the comforter in his hands.  
  
“That’s not what I mean,” Matteo said. But he didn’t really know how to put words to what he meant and he hated the way David just hovered with the comforter half on top of him. “I just, fuck, I can’t have this conversation right now.”  
  
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re right,” David said. He was gentler as he brought the comforter down on top of Matteo, smoothing it out over Matteo’s chest. “You really want me to go down there and restart this meeting on voter eligibility?”  
  
“You know it forward and backward,” Matteo said. “We talked about this topic for like two hours just last night.”  
  
“But I can’t— I’m just—”  
  
“Yes, you can. You’re David Schreibner,” Matteo said. He pulled an arm out from under the comforter as David stared down at him dubiously and he gathered his next words. “You’re dating the king and you’re the best revolutionary in this whole kingdom. You have every right to be down there. Florenzia needs you right. And, fuck, I really need you right now. Down there. Picking up where I left off. We can’t afford for this whole thing to fail and I need you in this with me.”  
  
“And I want to,” David said. “But I just don’t know how to—”  
  
“Bullshit,” Matteo said, a little too fast for his lungs’ liking. “Be yourself. Assess, rise to the occasion, get your laser beam, and shine it.”  
  
“My what?” David asked, scrunching his face in confusion.  
  
Matteo closed his eyes, trying to catch his breath and banish the headache that came from talking too fast. Maybe talking point-blank. “Just be yourself,” Matteo said. “I believe in you.”  
  
David was quiet for a moment, and Matteo opened one eye, nervously looking up at him as he stared to the side. “Okay. Okay. For you,” David said. He looked back down to Matteo, supportive, and decisive. Matteo opened his other eye, feeling a little better already. “But as soon as the meeting’s over, I’m coming back up here to check on you.”  
  
“Good,” Matteo said. He let out a happy sigh and felt his brain falling back to fogginess because he had fought for what he needed to fight for. All that was left to do was to rest. And find David’s hand for one last moment of encouragement. “David, you rock my moon, you know that?”  
  
“I what?” David asked. There was a bit of stifled laughter in his voice and Matteo loved it. He turned his head on the pillow, smiling deliriously and closing his eyes. “Was that a combination of ‘you rock my world’ and ‘you hung the moon?’”  
  
“I have no idea,” Matteo said, drawling a little as he felt some kind of not-sleep-sleep approaching. “But it’s true.”  
  
“Okay, my love,” David said. He let go of Matteo’s hand, gently bent down and pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead. Matteo smiled wider as David said a few kind words that went in one ear and out the other. But Matteo didn’t mind; he didn’t need David’s words to know that he loved him and wanted him to do whatever he needed to do to take care of himself.  
  
Then, David left, walking away and closing the door quietly. Matteo shifted a little in bed, turning to avoid the sun from the window. Not much later, Matteo faded away to that place halfway between asleep and awake that both comforted and scared him. But that day, he felt more comfort in it than ever before.  
  
— — — 4 — — — 

David didn’t want to go to the meeting. He knew that deep down in him the chance to participate in meetings where important political decisions got made was a dream come true. But that part of himself was locked away deep down beneath the fear and insecurity David refused to admit he was still feeling. But when Matteo asked him to go to the meeting, he couldn’t help but taste the apprehension in his mouth. But he also could help but feel that overwhelming desire to support Matteo, to do what he needed from him. So, he went to the meeting.  
  
He said it was for Matteo. Not himself. But maybe that part of him that wanted to be in the room where it happened stood behind the decision as well. Even if it was there, pushing him forward, he wasn’t ready to take that step forward.  
  
David was happy, he really was. He loved Matteo and the relationship they had cultivated, but it was all so new and different. When it was just him and Matteo, things came easy, but it wasn’t just him and Matteo. There was this whole world out there that David didn’t understand or want. He wanted his old life, rejuvenated with better self-understanding, more authenticity with his pre-existing loved ones, and, of course, the beauty that was Matteo’s presence in his life. And for the first few weeks of their relationship, that’s what David got.  
  
It was easy for David to forget that Matteo was the king of Florenzia, that he had responsibilities and duties that affected thousands of lives, that had a way of life that was vastly different from David’s own. To him, he was just Matteo, his light in the dark. But when Matteo was doing things like asking him to fill in for him at a meeting to decide who was eligible to vote, David couldn’t ignore the reality of Matteo’s existence.  
  
He also couldn’t ignore the way it made his toes curl and made him want to run in the other direction. With all his identities and life experiences, how could he want anything to do with this royal, elite, political world? Everything could go so wrong; they would hate him or worse, he would make a fool of himself or worse, he would prove to the world that Matteo had no reason to love him after all or worse. Matteo, who he loved and trusted and who returned those feelings, was the only taste of the royal world that David could let himself want, go after or have.   
  
David didn’t even realize how similar the feeling of disgust and denial in his stomach at the thought of participating in the world of the monarchy was to those first few days with Matteo. He was too focused on walking down the stairs without tripping and trying to find a way to make it through the impending meeting.  
  
He supposed he figured it out because four hours later, it had been decided that any Florenzia over the age of 16 with any type of identification whether that be official records, proof of employment, proof of residence, or educational documentation was eligible to vote. It hadn’t been an easy feat, but David himself had ensured that the voter eligibility policy was as inclusive as possible because he knew that was undeniably the right thing to do. But even with the success, there were still moments where he felt like a fish out of water who didn’t really deserve to be in the room.  
  
He continued to feel that way over the next month as he kept going to meetings. Between the shifts at the metal shop, he pushed for progressive policies and advocated for those who had never before had a voice in the monarchy. Most of the time, he walked away with victories, but his comfort level only marginally increased. He kept on, though, because he knew that a few floors up was an amazing young man who believed in him and had taught him that all he had to do was try. So, David kept trying.  
  
And so did Matteo. He bounced back from the deeply debilitating part of his episode much faster the last time. This time, he was back making his own meals and pestering David with requests to see his newest drawings and saying the simplest, yet wisest things just a few days after the voter eligibility meeting. 

He was still far from going back to work or making it to the end of the day without falling apart, though. When he needed to, he let himself crumble and let those around him help him pick up the pieces. At the same time, he worked hard to keep up a regular schedule for hygiene, eating, sleeping, socializing, and even “working out his brain,” as he called it. It wasn’t always easy to establish the new routines and Matteo couldn’t always keep up with things, but he put forth an amazing effort and had so many little wins. David loved watching Matteo’s face light up at the realization that having dinner with Hanna or sending letters back and forth with Amira killed two birds with one stone.   
  
After three weeks of taking his time and working on creating his most liveable life, he got to a point where he was happy with his progress and was pretty sure he had found the way to live his life. David was so proud and happy for him. 

He was, of course, happy for himself that Matteo’s best life consisted of lots of nights with David in his bed, but also that it consisted of Matteo attending about 75% of the meetings about the ending of the monarchy. By shifting the daily operations of the kingdom over to people like Jonas and reworking the schedule so most of the meetings were in the late morning and early afternoon when he was at his best, Matteo was able to commit to working on the project that he had brought to life and knew he loved. 

It was great to see Matteo exemplifying his truest potential, but David knew part of the reason he loved Matteo’s reinvolvement with his kingship was that it made David’s work within the monarchy a lot easier. He knew he could have stepped back, but Matteo told him he wanted him there with him. And David most certainly wanted to be wherever Matteo was. Plus, there was something nice about a heated debate over the types of democracy and a tightly packed meeting agenda on a snowy day. And how could he give up playing footsie under the table with his boyfriend as they listened to reports on public approval ratings?

He still told friends like Leonie, Abdi, and Carlos that he didn’t really want to be so entrenched in the monarchy. He still felt out of place plenty of the time in meetings and appointments at banquets and even casual communal dinners at the palace that felt anything but casual. He still had moments where his skin burned with the desire to run in the other direction when he was faced with it all.   
  
But David vowed to himself that he would always just keep trying and keep believing in that hope under his skin that came right from Matteo. 

So, when, after five weeks of working within the monarchy, Matteo told him that he wanted to finally visit his mom again to come out to her, tell her about mental illness, inform her about the vote and introduce her to David all in one fell swoop, David vowed to try. 

But in truth, the days leading up to their mid-December visit were full of stomach knots and an internal gnawing that David feared would be the end of him. There was no way he couldn’t think of all that could go wrong. He got stuck many times thinking about how meeting Matteo’s mother would essentially be throwing him into the deep end of a life that he still wasn’t sure was his to have. 

He wanted it, yes. Or, at least, he wanted the Matteo part. That was always clear to him. But as the carriage drove through the snow and Matteo fell asleep on his shoulder, David couldn’t deny that the only thing keeping him afloat in his new life was the way he loved Matteo and couldn’t see a life without him. 

So, again, he vowed to try, not just for Matteo, but for himself. _I can’t keep feeling like an outsider in the life we live together. If I want to spend my life with Matteo, I’ve got to get my shit together._  
  
The idea of simply not spending his life with Matteo didn’t even cross his mind. He didn’t even think about how two months prior, David would have taken that road out. He just looked back and forth between his sleeping love and the winter home that appeared between the trees, snowy roof lit up only by the moon.  
  
David hated to wake him, but he did and he was glad to find that Matteo’s nap had given him a late-night burst of energy. David wasn’t ready to go to bed either, even though Matteo’s mother was already sleeping so there was nothing for them to really do. Or at least that’s what Hans had told them before he went inside, leading the servants and guards in with their bags. David knew there was something they could do that was far better than going into that wretched house.  
  
“Do you want to explore the moods with me?” David asked once they were alone.  
  
“What?” Matteo asked. He turned around and looked at David in the artificially lit driveway. “It’s dark in the woods,”  
  
“No, it’s not, you saw the moon,” David said. He stepped up closer to Matteo. “It’s gorgeous out there.”  
  
“Moonlight does sound nice,” Matteo said. His eyes wandered up to the full moon above them. Then, he looked back to David with a happy smirk. “And, regardless, you did once say that we don’t need lights to see.”  
  
Matteo chuckled, but David felt just a tiny bit embarrassed. He didn’t want to be the person who spewed rhetoric and made pithy statements; he wanted to be calm and content. That was how he wanted to feel, not anxious and restless. So, he just took control and chased those positive feelings that he thought he needed to be feeling.  
  
He broke into a grin and grabbed Matteo by the back of his head. He pulled him along with him as he turned and started walking to the woods. Matteo stumbled into him with a laugh and David tried to focus on the way his heart fluttered so damn hard at how cute Matteo looked. “Come on, Mr. Shit Balance.”  
  
They made it to the woods arm in arm, warm from each other and their coats, then separated in exploration. They fell into a rhythm, walking nearly wordless along opposite sides of a trail that ran through the woods. David knew they were both in their own worlds, with hands along tree bark and feet fluffing the snow beneath their feet. David felt so entranced by the snow-covered, brilliantly dark yet bright world around him that he could nearly ignore that nasty voice in his head that said _stay in the woods all night, it’s where you belong, until that fucking house._

Then there was Matteo’s voice and David looked over to him across the path.  
  
“I used to never think that the moon could be this powerful,” Matteo said. He looked up at the sky and all around him. “But here we are. Everything is illuminated by the moon.”  
  
David looked back to the ground in front of him and stuffed his hands deeper into his pockets as he walked forward. “Sounds like you.”   
  
“And you,” Matteo said.  
  
“No, no,” David said, quickly, then slower. “I’m more like a sun. Practically on fire, burning way to fucking bright or not at all, never quite in the right place at the right time and bound to explode into nothingness after years and years of doing the same shit over and over.”  
  
_I’m doing it again. Fuck._  
  
“Is that really how you see yourself?” Matteo asked. David stopped hearing Matteo’s footsteps, so he stopped too. He turned back a little to see Matteo standing in the snow, looking at him worried and maybe a little upset.  
  
David turned forward again and took a forward despite the crushing feeling that he was taking a step backwards. “I don’t know,” he said gruffly.  
  
“I think you could be the sun one day, but not by that definition,” Matteo said. David fought the urge to look at him as he heard his footsteps again, slow and deliberate just like he words. “I think the sun is a beautiful thing. It illuminates everything during the day. It shines a light of the truth on every corner of the world. And, yeah, sometimes it’s too bright and intrusive, but sometimes the world needs that. Sometimes, we need to be woken up and there is nothing else that wakes us up like the sun. That’s you at your best.”  
  
“Well, then I’m definitely not the sun yet,” David said. He felt a bit of anger churning between his bones and he hated it.  
  
“That’s normal. We all take steps forwards and backwards and to the fucking sides sometimes,” Matteo said. “I do that. And if I do it, then it’s certainly good enough for you.”  
  
“Don’t make me scold you for tearing yourself down to bring me back up,” David said. He glanced over to Matteo, his love for him lulling the fire inside. Matteo was smiling at him; he knew exactly what he was doing. “Well, if you know me so well, then what am I if I’m not the sun yet?”  
  
“Okay, prepare yourself for an epic info dump— which is what I’ve decided to call these now,” Matteo said, smiling big. “Rambling on passionately in every direction is the only way I’m going to be able to explain why you are the brightest, best, most capable laser beam on this planet.”  
  
With a smile, David nodded for Matteo to go ahead. Then, Matteo dove into a long, meandering and brilliant info dump about each and every skill David harbored, how he had each one in spades and how he knew how to use each one exceptionally well. Matteo explained how when David was faced with any situation, good or bad, he was so intelligent and insightful that he could pull out exactly what he needed to get through. Matteo went into great detail about how David had so much passion and fierceness in him that no matter what he was shining out into the world, it was eclectically and intensely bright because of all that was in him, but also because his focus was so strong. Matteo was careful to make it clear that he loved every side of David— tender caretaker, goofy friend, dutiful artist, grand romantic, ruthless revolutionary, clever problem-solver, poised politician. Matteo loved his boyfriend who had so much tact and resiliency that he could expertly face whatever the world threw at him.  
  
David knew that Matteo spoke from a place of knowing him profoundly well, so he was probably right, but David could lie to Matteo.  
  
“I’m sorry, really, but I don’t think that’s true,” David said down to the ground. He looked up pulling his hands from his pockets. “I mean, I told you about all those shitty coping mechanisms that I used to get through my life, how they overstayed their welcome here inside me and kept me from you. And I know we made it. But, there’re still here and I just, fuck. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore, Matteo.”  
  
Matteo was silent for a moment, eyes trained to the ground as he walked slowly, heel to toe. David watched him, his heart beating fast from anxiety. He knew Matteo was just processing, but in that state, he had to actively remind himself to stay present and rational.  
  
“I don’t really know what to say to that,” Matteo finally said. David bit his lip and looked down to the ground again. “Because, like, I don’t want to invalidate your experience and I do believe you when you say you’re a bit lost. But if I say that, it sounds like I’m putting you down. Which I’m not—”  
  
“But I haven’t been crushing this whole ‘working in the monarchy’ thing,” David said roughly. “You can be honest with me.”  
  
“But you have been, though,” Matteo said. David stuffed his hands back in his pocket to try to keep from erupting in denial, talking with his hands and making a big storm when that was the last thing they needed. “I mean, the only reason we were able to figure out what to put on the ballot and how to schedule the vote over four days in March and nail the basics of polling producers was you. It was a team effort, but you were a vital piece of all that. I mean, you walk into those meetings and you command the room and make your points and fight for what’s right and—”   
  
“And feel like absolute shit because I don’t belong there,” David said. He snapped his head over to Matteo. His eyes burned with a challenge and David felt some kind of hatred that he couldn’t place but feared immensely.   
  
Matteo stopped in his tracks and looked at David. “You’re the only person who thinks that.”  
  
“Fucking figures,” David said. He shook his head and tried to keep walking, but he couldn’t. He just looked up at the sky, at that fucking moon, and scoffed. “You know, I thought I was past all this fucking internalized oppression shit. The imagining the worst of the world, the terrible coping mechanisms, the keeping what I want at an arm’s length. But, I’m not over any of it.”  
  
“I think you’re over some of it,” Matteo said. “I mean, we’re here.”  
  
“Yeah, in the middle of the fucking woods!” David shouted. He pulled his hands from his pocket, throwing his arms around as he finally raged on like he desperately needed to. “We should be in that house, sleeping on a nice ass bed and meeting your mom and living this life together, but I’m too fucking scared to go inside! I want to go inside, I want all of this, Matteo! I want you and your mom and your friends and your work; I want it to be mine! All of it! I want to build a life with you and be a part of this world that you live and work within the monarchy and be the badass politician you see me as. But I’m not him! I don’t even believe that I belong at the table. Me, the guy who is all about self-determination and the mobilization of the people and advocating for underrepresented voices. But when I sit there, I feel like an outsider who no one likes, even when I get work done and prove myself. It sucks and I am scared shitless every second I am in that palace. I mean, I’m trying to be comfortable with my fear and not let it win, but there are so many ways that my work in the monarchy would come back to bite me in the ass and so many reasons your mom could reject me. The only time I’m not scared shitless is when I’m living in my own world— metal shop inventory and shitty bed sheets and magic— or when it’s you and me. I love you and you love me and I know that we’re not going to fall apart. So, I’ll at least always have that! But is it so bad that I want more than that? And maybe your proof that I can have more music boxes, but— fuck, I thought I was over the whole music box thing! You got over yours, why can’t I get over mine? I mean, holy fuck, you got your shit together and just look at me!”  
  
“You’re a work in progress! We both are!” Matteo said loudly. David looked to the side even though he was listening intently to Matteo as he lowered his volume and kept on. “I mean, yeah, I got my shit together, but it didn’t happen overnight and I’m not like, golden and free of doing any work for the rest of my life. My whole life is going to be constant self-work because that’s how life is when you have a brain like mine. I mean, life is work no matter what kind of brain you have. But, I mean, yeah, I figured out how to depend on myself above all else, how to configure my life so that I could live it well; three meals a day that I make myself, out of bed by the time the sun is shining, only do work in the middle of the day, new clothes every day, read nonfiction with my eyes on days off and fiction with my ears at night, social time that is mostly you because you’re my life partner but also incorporates my friends so that I see each of them in a social capacity at least twice a week, speaking my mind at all costs, stopping all of that when it feels like pulling teeth. But you know that none of that came overnight. It came after a lot of time and hard work and intentionality. And it doesn’t mean that everything is totally solved. I mean, you don’t think this trip is going to throw off all of that and mess with my mental state? I know my mom will support me, but it’s still nerve-wracking and traveling is hard when you have such important routines. So, yeah, I’ll probably get off, but then I’m going to work to get back on. Then I’ll get off again for whatever reason and get back on and the cycle will go on. And, yeah, that is frustrating sometimes, feeling like life is just stepping on and off of fully functioning. But it’s also sort of an exhilarating challenge that shows me all that I’m capable of and makes me want to keep going. And even if it sucked 100%, this is my life! It’s mine and I’m going to do what I have to do to live it as long as I am lucky enough to be alive.”  
  
“Fuck, why are so incredible!?” David said, brash even as his voice softened. He looked back at Matteo and he could feel tears developing in his eyes at the same time he could feel a shout bubbling in his stomach even though he didn’t know what the hell to say.  
  
“You’re incredible too,” Matteo said.  
  
“Incredible people don’t—”  
  
“No! Fuck! Stop!” Matteo shouted. David took a step back, shocked to hear Matteo yelling as he walked vehemently over to him. “What were you going to say? Incredible people don’t develop a way of surviving trauma and oppression that works to keep them safe and moving and becoming strong? Incredible people don’t look deep inside and see when that coping mechanism has overstayed its welcome? Incredible people don’t do the hard work of dismantling that way of living by letting love in and taking bold steps forward? Incredible people don’t acknowledge that they need time to grow and adjust and resettle into the new life that they have?”  
  
“Matteo, are you kidding me?” David asked loudly. He stepped forward to meet Matteo in the middle of the path between them. He lifted his hands up as he felt his cheeks warming to numbness. “I’m not doing that last one!”  
  
“No, but you’re starting now!” Matteo said. Matteo reached forward and grabbed David’s wrists. For a split second, David felt trapped. But then, he felt Matteo’s calming presence wash over him and looked up to see his eyes. He was fierce, he was firm, he wasn’t putting up with any BS. But it all came from a place of love and with Matteo holding David’s arms still, David felt his whole body stilling. “David, you have to start giving yourself grace. I know that you know that you deserve it. But you have to start allowing yourself to have time, being okay with not being perfect yet, and finding comfort in the growth behind and ahead of you. I know it’s not easy, but you can’t keep beating yourself up like this. Take as long as you need to. Stop working on the election with me. Don’t meet my mom. Do whatever you need to. But, please, for the love of all that is good, give yourself the love you are so intent on giving to other people. Trust yourself like you have learned to trust me and your family and even the people of Florenzia. Give yourself the credit you deserve. Because I know you feel like you aren’t enough or worthy, but you are doing so amazing. You aren’t perfect, no one is. But you are exceptional and strong and brilliant and working so hard at transiting into this new life we have together.”  
  
“God, my life is just one transition after another,” David said. He huffed out a laugh and smiled just a bit. Matteo smiled back at him and moved his hands from his wrists to his waist.  
  
“I love seeing you smile,” Matteo said. David brought his hands up to grab onto Matteo’s shoulders. “You know, you are the sun already, I think. You just aren’t shining your sunlight on yourself yet. You see the truth in everything except for yourself. But that’s okay because you are still a marvelous laser beam who is more than capable of finding it within himself to figure out how to see himself and be himself and get all the music boxes he deserves. I want you to have everything you need in life, David. I know that it will be a whole lot more than just me and I want you to have it all.”  
  
“Thank you,” David said. More emotional than he cared to admit, he looked down at the snow beneath their feet, a rich, bright white from the moon above them. “I’m going to work on it. Finding my way to everything I need, finding my own light, all that. And I’m just glad that in the meantime, I have your dazzling moonlight to shine on me.”  
  
“Always,” Matteo said. He pulled David in for a hug and David more than let him. They stood there, hugging tight under the brightening moonlight until David felt teary-eyed and he couldn’t keep quiet anymore.  
  
“I’m really scared about meeting your mom, Matteo,” David whispered in Matteo’s scarf.  
  
“I know,” Matteo said, squeezing him tighter. “But she is so kind and so accepting. She’s going to love you exactly as you are and support you however she can and be proud of us for loving each other.”  
  
“You don’t know what’s going to happen,” David said. He buried his face deeper, thankful that Matteo’s scarf was collecting his spare tears, not his skin. He didn’t want Matteo to know he was crying, mostly just because he didn’t want to be crying.  
  
“You don't know what's going to happen either,” Matteo said. He brought a hand up to David’s head, lacing his fingers in and out of his curls. It was silent for a moment, then Matteo pulled back to look David in the eye. “You don’t have to meet her if you aren’t ready. I’m sorry that I pushed you into this. I’m just ready to take these steps with my mom. But we’re in this together, so—”  
  
“No, I’m ready to take this step too,” David said. He truly did feel ready to tackle his fears, to start working on those things Matteo had said it was time for him to do. He straightened his back, sniffling a little. “I’m sure my laser beam has a ‘wooing your boyfriend’s mom’ setting. I just gotta find it. Among other things.”  
  
“You will,” Matteo said. “And I will love through it all just like I love you right now.”  
  
Matteo leaned forward and placed a short, little kiss on the tip of David’s nose. David immediately closed his eyes, blushed and beamed a closed mouth smile up at Matteo. When he opened his eyes a moment later, he saw Matteo looking at him with a perfect mix of serious and silly. David’s heart fluttered at the same time his tears perked up again.  
  
“I’m ready to go inside,” David said, confident. Then a tear escaped down his cheek and David sighed in frustration. “Fuck, why am I crying?”  
  
“Emotions can be a bitch sometimes,” Matteo said. He lifted a hand and with his thumb, wiped the tear off his cheek. Then, as if he couldn’t take his hand away, he caressed the side of David's face with his knuckles as David smiled and another tear fell. “But it’s okay. Crying is good. And I’ll hold you the whole time if you want me to.”  
  
David didn’t speak for fear of more tears coming, so he just nodded. He wasn’t ready to crumble into tears. He was cold and figured walking back to the house would be easier if he wasn’t in a fit of tears like he could tell his body craved. _Emotions really are a bitch._  
  
Matteo rubbed his back a few times, then let him go just enough to grab his hand. David stayed close to Matteo as they walked back through the woods. By the time Matteo opened the door to the house and guided David in with him, David’s vision had clouded just a bit by tears that were just so impatient. _I guess that’s what happens when you only let yourself cry one in a blue moon. There’s a lot of tears waiting to get out._  
  
But it was okay that his lungs constricted from the emotional weight that had built up for weeks. Matteo was there, walking David up a flight of stairs with a strength that just made David cry harder because he was so proud of Matteo and loved him so much.  
  
Matteo kissed the side of his hair as he cried, finally making a bit of a sound. Matteo pulled him into a small bedroom and led him over to the bed. David pulled his knees to his chest as he felt Matteo’s arms vanish for a moment and the cries sped up.  
  
Then, he felt Matteo’s presence behind him. At the same time that he scooted back to reach him, Matteo wrapped a thick, white wool blanket around him. He hadn’t even realized how truly cold he had been until he felt the warmth envelop him. And then, the warmth of Matteo enveloped him too and that was when the sobs came in at full force.  
  
But just as Matteo promised, he wrapped his arms around him and pulled his shaking body closer. David let himself fall back into him. Matteo tumbled back onto his back, taking David down with him. Through it all, he held to David tight from behind and never let him go. 

Somewhere in the mess of emotional thoughts and aches in his head, David decided that crying in Matteo’s arms was the only kind of crying he ever wanted to do. And that made him smile, somehow, because he knew he would always have the chance and the freedom too.  
  
He wanted to tell Matteo that, but every time he opened his mouth, the tears took over. And every time, Matteo just pulled him closer and kissed whatever part of him was closest. David wasn’t even sure what he was crying about anymore, but he knew it felt good even as his nose was more a mess than he ever wanted it to be and he couldn’t get a full breath.  
  
David could tell Matteo was also breathing a little heavy, so he turned and burrowed his head into Matteo’s chest. He shifted to apply some pressure to Matteo’s chest like they had discovered Matteo liked. In doing so, his own crying slowed and Matteo’s breaths came easier. Then, David heard Matteo’s voice reverberate in his chest.  
  
“Fuck, I was going to sing to you, but I totally forgot and now the moment has probably passed because you aren’t crying your brains out anymore like I was when my mom used to sing to me,” Matteo said. He sounded a bit flustered, but David just smiled against his tear-soaked shirt.  
  
“If you want to sing to me, it is never too late, my love.”  
  
Then, a few deep breaths later, with Matteo’s hand in his hair, David heard his voice. It was soft and beautiful just like he knew it would be. David closed his eyes and listened until he drifted off to sleep in Matteo’s arms.  


I wish upon you peace  
I wish upon you grace  
I wish for less of what you want  
And more of what you need  
  
I wish upon you an old light  
With a heart that stays young  
But most of all I wish upon you love  
  
I wish upon you an easy life  
I wish upon you hard times  
I hope you know that both joy and pain  
Each need their moment to shine  
I wish you ears that are quick to listen  
That you're slow to use that tongue  
But most of all I wish upon you love  
  
As the sun sets, well  
the moon begins to rise  
So even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
You'll find the light  
You'll find the light  
Yes, even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
Yes, as the sun sets, well,  
the moon begins to rise  
So even in the darkness  
you'll find the light  
  
You'll find the light  
You'll find the light  
Oh, now even in the darkness  
you'll find the light.

— — — 5 — — — 

The next day, Matteo woke up with the sun and made eggs for just himself since no one else was up yet. As he ate, he stared out at the falling snow and psyched himself up for the day ahead of him. He wanted this. He wanted to tell his mother everything and bring her into his life. He knew it would simultaneously feel brand new and like an old, comforting blanket, just like the one David was asleep under upstairs in the guest bedroom. He looked forward to showing David his actual room, the one with a twin bed, toy trains, and walls he had scrawled backwards letters onto with crayons. But first, he had things to tell his mother.  
  
And, an hour so after Matteo finished his breakfast, his mother joined him in the living room and he did exactly what he needed to do. They spent the whole day talking, lacing their conversation together from, “Mama, I’m gay…I’m glad I finally got to tell you…I love you too…” to “I actually didn’t come alone…no, it’s not Hans, ew…his name is David” to “he’s part of the reason we are doing something new; an election…I want everyone to have the Florenzia they deserve…we will definitely appreciate your vote, thank you” to “they call it mental illness…good, I’m glad, I had relived tears too…yes, I’m serious, I want you to come home, we’re in this together, Mama.”  
  
Then, the next day, Matteo held David’s hand tight and unwavering as he introduced him to his mother. She smiled at him with so much motherly love and she even looked a little giddy as she eyed Matteo during her first hug with David. The three of them spent the whole day together, chatting and reminiscing and getting to know one another. A lot of words were spoken, but none mattered more than, “David, my son, thank you for making my Matteo so happy.”  
  
After four days, Matteo and David left with lovely snowy memories and a promise between them and Matteo’s mother that the preparations for her to return to the palace would start immediately on both ends. They all knew it would take some time to get a space ready for her and maybe even longer for her to emotionally prepare herself to go back to a place that ended so terribly for her. But they also all knew that they wanted it and needed it, so everyone promised to try to go after it.  
  
That theme ruminated within Matteo for weeks upon returning to Clarence City. His routine fell back into place easier than he expected, but even still he wasn’t quite satisfied. Maybe it was talking about mental illness with his mother or reminding David that his own journey with mental illness was far from solved. Maybe it was telling David that he wanted him to have everything he needed in life or watching both his mother and David commit to trying to go after the things they needed even when it felt like climbing a mountain. Maybe it was all of it combined and blended in Matteo’s mind. But whatever it was, Matteo was even more determined to keep climbing the mountain in front of him.  
  
After two weeks or so, Matteo realized he knew exactly how to do that. And he knew how he knew, too; he had been watching David get closer and closer to the next milestone on his mountain.

A big part of David’s climb was continuing to work on the election. He grew bolder and bolder every time Matteo watched him independently walk into a meeting, whether the topic was choosing a printing shop for the ballots, deciding the members of the non-biased vote-counting team, or putting together a seven-month transition plan to prepare for the monarchy’s possible end. 

Matteo loved getting to watch David work so excellently and come into his own. He could see how much David was truly loving it, even if he didn’t fully admit it yet. But it was there, and Matteo was just patiently waiting for David to reach the point on his climb where he was ready to take his love for his work to a new, bold level. Matteo had a few ideas for what that might end up looking like, but he wanted to let David reach that point on the journey himself. 

It was fulfilling and inspiring to witness that journey in David, but even more so to know Matteo himself was going on a parallel journey alongside him. They were different, of course, but Matteo could tell that their joint work within the monarchy was propelling them both along to bright futures. 

For Matteo, that work was mostly forced on the campaign as everyone called it. After Matteo and David returned to Clarence City, the vote had been announced to the public, along with a promotional campaign to encourage people to get informed, spread the word and vote come late March. Matteo and David, who were the faces of the election even before it was officially planned, were the obvious selections to lead the campaign  
  
Together, they wrote informative material about what the options on the ballot— continued monarchy or new democracy after a transition period— would truly mean for the citizens of Florenzia. They visited businesses, homes, and schools to remind people to vote and answer questions. They handed out flyers, posters, signs, and buttons with the election dates and quick bits of information on them. They even sent the promotional materials and campaign volunteers across Florenzia to inform more than just the citizens of Clarence City. 

They were determined to make sure as many people as possible voted and that all those votes were both informed and genuine. Matteo had always known David was passionate about that sort of thing, but Matteo was always a little pleasantly surprised when he realized and rerealized how passionate he was about it too.   
  
There was a satisfaction and joy that filled his body when someone stood up taller, made their own choice as to what they would vote for, and wore that decision with pride.

He also felt it when he talked to the people he met throughout the city, and heard stories of queer people coming out to their families or single moms starting a community support group or young people not being afraid to share their big dreams no matter their background or restaurant owners donating leftover food to homeless veterans. 

Once, a man his mother’s age told Matteo that he had reduced his hours at work because he realized he needed to spend more time taking care of emotional well-being. Then the very next day, a woman of the same age told him that she was going to petition the academy to let her complete her education there because she felt called to study human health.  
  
Watching people step into their own, take care of themselves, do what they needed to do for themselves but also for the greater good— it fulfilled Matteo in a way he didn’t quite understand but loved nonetheless. It motivated Matteo to get out of bed in the morning, get to work, and take care of himself. 

But he didn’t just get that from his work, the people he met or from watching David work. He got it from watching David do these little, concrete things in his free time that showed he was truly being intentional and proactive about growing. It was things like telling Matteo the details of his meeting related anxieties when they hit or asking Matteo to info dump the laser beam thing over again or actively journaling at least once a day as a way of both expressing his emotions without shame and wrestling with his inner thoughts in a productive way.

It was those brilliant little things that made Matteo look around and see little things he could do for himself beyond his normal self-care practices. It was time for self-advocacy practices. So, as January rolled in, Matteo got to work. He couldn’t wait to show David what he had been doing to climb his mountain. 

But he did have to wait a little bit, which was all he could think about as he sat on the top step of the stairs outside his bedroom waiting for David to arrive for the night. He had been out all day visiting a local restaurant that served food Matteo didn’t like enough to eat diplomatically. To add to the time apart, David had slept at his own place the night before because Linn was out of town and Laura was missing her.

 _Fuck him for being a good brother. Aw, no, that’s actually a really sweet quality, I can’t be mad at him for that. But I still want to show him my stuff ugh. And kiss him. Fuck, I want to kiss him._  
  
Matteo sighed and peered down the stairs. Then, a few moments later, David appeared, bounding up the steps with a content, little smile on his face that grew when he saw Matteo. 

Matteo hopped up and when David arrived in the courier with him, he practically knocked him over with a hug and a kiss. David took it in stride, holding Matteo tight and walking them away from the stairs.   
  
Steady near the door, Matteo smiled into David’s mouth and David deepened the kiss before he pulled back a little. “Well, hello to you too.”   
  
“I missed you,” Matteo said, soft.   
  
“It’s only been 24 hours,” David said. Matteo moved his head and looked at him with a raised brow. David smiled and tilted his head. “Okay, yeah, I missed you too.”  
  
Matteo smiled along with him and clasped his hands together behind David’s back with excitement bouncing in his toes. “I have a surprise for you. Well, two actually,” Matteo said. “Close your eyes for a second?”  
  
“Okay,” David said. He closed his eyes without a moment of hesitation.  
  
For a second, Matteo got distracted by just how much trust there was between them, but then he remembered what was waiting for them on the other side of the door.  
  
Eager, he grabbed David’s hand and walked him into his room. He let go of his hand, turned around, and waved his hands in celebration.  
  
“Tada!” Matteo said. But David didn’t open his eyes. Matteo just rolled his eyes and dropped his hands. “You can open your eyes now, dummy.”  
  
David did and Matteo gestured to the bed behind him, which was fashioned with pale green curtains attached from the canopy above.  
  
“Oh my god— what is this?” David asked. He had a curious and impressed glow on his face as he looked the curtains up and down.  
  
“I got curtains! Look—” Matteo said. He turned around, he moved the curtains a little, crawled onto the bed and sat back on his knees as the curtains fell back in front of him. Then he poked his head out, holding the curtains around his face and his dorky grin. “Privacy!”  
  
“You—” David said, shaking his head with affection.

“What?” Matteo asked challengingly. He knew he was being a bit of a little shit, but that was exactly his plan. A plan, which worked, because David walked right up to him.   
  
“You,” David said, grabbing Matteo’s face. Matteo let go of his grasp on the curtains and looked up at David. “Are adorable and I love you.”  
  
Matteo smiled and pushed up off his knees so he could reach David’s lips. He kissed him, hands landing low on his hips as their lips wove together a few times.   
  
Matteo drew back from David’s face and pulled at his lower back to get him to come onto the bed, which he did. Smiling, Matteo crawled over to the other side and moved the curtains back a little. “And, look, curtains on my window too!”  
  
David followed him and peered out with him, then looked back to Matteo. “That’s fantastic; no more intrusive sun.”  
  
“Exactly, you’ll be my own sun from now on,” Matteo said. He readjusted the curtains and turned back around to sit across from David whose cheeks were beautifully rosy. “Anyways, yeah, Florenzia is way too obsessed with light sometimes. Like our cultural insistence against curtains is so ridiculous. I’ve known for a while that I needed to do something to block the light during episodes and even just normal days because my scenes are almost always on overdrive with this kind of thing. It just took me a while to speak up and do something.”  
  
“But you did,” David said, placing a hand on Matteo’s knee.  
  
“I did,” Matteo said, proud. He let that feeling live for a moment as he looked in David’s eyes, but then he glanced at the inside of the curtains as he moved on. “But just about the window. The privacy curtains were actually Hans’ idea. I guess the canopy has a track for curtains, but we never installed any because, for most of my life, I didn’t have a reason to need privacy in my bed.”  
  
“But now you do?” David asked. He traced a finger across Matteo’s knee. Matteo watched with rapt attention.  
  
“I mean, yeah,” Matteo said. He just knew that David loved how his cheeks grew redder and his voice a little shier. “They definitely give an extra layer of protection for sensory stuff. Like, it’s darker and quieter with them drawn. But, then, yeah, there’s us. I mean, you know that we do stuff here that’s just ours.”  
  
“I love that way of describing our physical intimacy,” David said. Matteo looked up at him attentively as David scooted closer, hand moving up Matteo’s thigh just a little. “Because it’s true. The things we together belong to you and me and no one else. And I love the things we do together because of that, but also because they feel like us. We take things slow, but sometimes fast. We do things that are intense and really mind-blowing, but at the same time we still laugh and have fun and we always support each other. We try new things and go further with things all the time, but we also respect each other’s boundaries and aren’t ashamed to not go as far as we ever have every time.”  
  
“Yeah, well,” Matteo said, with a shrug. “We know that intimacy doesn’t equal sex”  
  
“And sex doesn’t equal penetration,” David said. There was a satisfied sparkle in his eye and the faintest, most dazzling smirk on his lips. 

Matteo couldn’t think of any other reaction besides leaning forward and bumped his head into David’s chest with a slightly squeamish giggle coming out through his nose. David chuckled with him, comfortable and loving, and lifted both his hands to Matteo’s hair.  
  
“You say that like we’ve done things we would consider sex,” Matteo said. He pressed harder against David’s chest with the top of his head and poked at David’s hips playfully. “We haven’t even seen each other completely naked yet.”  
  
“Let me direct you back to your own words from five seconds ago, my love,” David said. As Matteo retracted the conversation in his mind and started to smile, David moved his hands to Matteo’s face and lifted his head so they could make eye contact that Matteo gladly accepted. “Intimacy doesn’t equal sex.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Matteo said. He sighed a little bit, shifting his eyes around and recalibrating his thoughts to find the words he wanted. In the meantime, he brought his hands up to hold onto David’s wrists as he held his face. “And I like all of it,” he finally said, getting more and more blushy and quiet as he spoke. “The kissing and the touching. The exploring. The talking about the things we want or like or whatever. And, you know, the um, the thinking about each other when we, like, try stuff on our own.”  
  
“And having check-in conversations like this,” David said. He brought his hands down from Matteo’s face and comfortingly squeezed his shoulders a little. Matteo found David’s eyes again; they were deadly serious and caring. “This is so intimate and I love you.”  
  
“I love you too,” Matteo said. He couldn’t fight the urge to smile and flick at David’s septum ring. He spoke again soon enough to narrowly avoid any playful retaliation by David. “I just want to make sure you are enjoying the stuff we do and are still fine with the fact that we haven’t gone past boxers. Because I know I want to someday, and I know you said you wanted that too. So, I want us to get there at some point, you know? But do you still want that?”  
  
“Thank you for asking. And, yes, I do want that,” David said. Matteo listened to him so attentively that he barely minded when David took his hands off Matteo’s shoulders as he sat back a little and spoke with the thoughtful sincerity that he brought to everything he did. “I want to reach that point on our journey with intimacy where we are ready to take that particular step. That step where we try new, deeply personal things and have nothing between us— physically and metaphorically— and surrender to each other even more than we already do. I want that. I know someday we will do all of that and more. But I am in no rush to get there. We have all the time in the world and everything we do together is beautiful intimacy. And at the end of the day, that’s all I want with you.”  
  
“I feel the same way,” Matteo said. He reached forward and grabbed David’s hand off his lap, intertwining their fingers and squeezing tight. “I really do. I love this journey because, like you said, it is so deeply ours and so deeply us and so deeply intimate. But also, because I know it will never be over. Like, even once we have sex— whatever that looks like, though it will probably look like a lot of different things and I’m excited to figure that out with you. And, for the record, I do kind of hope that it’s soonish because I feel like I’m close to ready. But of course, I want us to both be fully comfortable before we take that step, no matter how long that takes. But that wasn't the point I was making. Or maybe it was. Fuck, what was I saying?”  
  
There wasn’t a trace of shame or self-chastisement from Matteo nor a shred of judgment or hesitation from David. Just kind eyes on each other and supportive words on David’s lips.  
  
“How the journey is never over. How sex isn’t reaching the finish line of intimacy.”  
  
“Right,” Matteo said, tapping his finger on his thigh. “We’re always going to be trying new things and exploring ourselves and meeting each other anew. There will be ebbs and flows and twists and turns. But there is no climax, no end, no final destination. We are traveling this together, forever, no matter what speed we go or what happens.”  
  
“I totally agree,” David said. Matteo smiled and reached his hand up to David’s neck because he wanted to and he could. “There will be milestones, firsts, memories. But never a point where we stop growing together. Our intimacy will never stop evolving with us and meaning something to us.”  
  
“I love how on the same page we are,” Matteo said. He swiped his thumb up and down David’s jaw tenderly. Then with David staring at him with so much fondness, Matteo started laughing at his own joke before he even got it out. “And I love you. Have I ever mentioned that?”  
  
“It might have come up one once or twice,” David said. He was smiling, but his voice dripped with longing and his eyes stared at Matteo’s lips as he leaned towards him. “I love you too, by the way.”  
  
Then, Matteo’s dorky smile collided with David’s sly smirk. The kiss was the kind of soft that became deep and intense in no time at all. The kind of powerful that held so much love and connection that Matteo knew he would never be over it in the best way possible.  
  
But even still, Matteo needed air and needed to express himself with words that knocked at his voice box. He pulled back and saw David with his lower lip between his teeth and his eyes half-closed.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said, louder than he was expecting. David opened his eyes all the way and smiled endearingly at Matteo. “The curtains were definitely a good idea. For like a million reasons.”  
  
“They’re wonderful. Like you.” David said. He gently squeezed their joined hands. “I’m so proud of you for your self-advocacy.”  
  
“Oh, and I just remembered, it’s not even just the curtains!” Matteo said. Suddenly excited in a whole different way, he moved away and opened the curtain enough to grab the papers on his bedside table that he had nearly forgotten about. He brought them onto the bed, letting the curtains fall back into place as he resettled. “I’ve decided that I’m going to write a letter to the mental health group in Yogalla.”  
  
“Matteo,” David said. He sounded so wonderstruck and somehow touched as Matteo handed him the papers. He started looking at them, but then glanced back up at Matteo as he dropped the papers to his lap. “This is an amazing idea.”  
  
“Yeah, I just, I have questions that need answers,” Matteo said. “I want to talk to them, hear about their experiences. Get some advice and community. Learn more about the words to describe all of this and just understand it better. Amira will have to help me figure out how to get it to them and I’m honestly not totally sure how to write what I actually wanna write. But I started something. It’s sort of a random word vomit at this point, but I was hoping you could help me with it.”  
  
“Oh, of course. I’d be honored to help,” David said. He paused, looking emotional, and glanced up at the canopy. “Gah, Matteo, this is incredible. Like, I’m not even surprised you’re doing all this because you are just such an awesome self-advocate. But even still, it never stops being magnificent to watch you lean into this part of your identity, stand up for yourself and do what you need to do. Thank you for including me in that.”  
  
“Well, duh, I mean, this is what we do for each other,” Matteo said. “I let you in, you let me in; it’s its own form of intimacy, really.”  
  
“Yeah, it is,” David said. Then he got quiet. The kind of quiet David got when he was thinking, when he was convincing himself to speak, when he was a little scared to be boldly vulnerable. So, Matteo knocked the papers out of David’s hands and grabbed both of his hands. David stared down at their locked hands and then up at him. “Matteo, I want to run for a position in the new government.”  
  
Matteo just smiled at him. “Fucking finally.”  
  
“Fuck you,” David said sweetly. Matteo bit his lip a little as he smirked. Then he couldn’t stop himself. He let go of David’s hands and lunged at David’s shoulders for a big messy hug. David caught him, rocking back on the bed and laughing. “Okay, okay, do you want me to walk you through this or not?”  
  
“Yes,” Matteo said. But Matteo had no intention of moving away from David. When David realized that, he just rolled his eyes, kissed the side of Matteo’s head and readjusted so that Matteo could sit sideways in his crossed lap. Matteo draped his arms around David’s neck, planted his feet on the bed, and looked up to David. “Okay, ready.”  
  
David smiled down at him, then tossed his head back in what Matteo could tell was his attempt to keep his serious composure and focus on what he needed to say. He got there a moment later, and Matteo listened with everything he had as he rubbed his fingers against the back of David’s hair.  
  
“Ever since we visited your mom last nearly a month ago now, I’ve been soul searching and trying to see myself better and gain comfort with not only the things I do, but the things I want,” David said. “And what I want is to be a politician in the Florenzian government. I mean, when I was a kid, I would tell people like Scarlett that I wanted to be a politician or an artist when I grew up. And obviously when I said that, I never thought I could work in the government or make social change. Because of the monarchy, yes, but also because of who I am and where I come from. I thought the revolution was the closest I’d get and I never thought it would garner results. So, I reconciled with the impossibility of my dream and my calling by digging my heels into this idea that nothing about the monarchy and the elite world of Florenzia was good. And, I was partly right. There’s some super shitty stuff in this world; there’s a reason we are working to end the monarchy and that people seem to be on board with that. But this world has more nascence than I gave it credit for and even when we started dating, I was convinced that I didn’t want any part of this world. I didn’t want to work within the monarchy, I didn’t want to get to know your team of advisors, I didn’t want to risk things blowing up in my face. At first, I didn’t like being there and I was scared shitless. For good reason, too. I am always the only non-white person in those rooms. The only trans person. The only person without an elite education. The only person who’s working class. That stuff is real and I will never deny the fact that being an outsider in this world is hard and valid and comes with walls. But I was putting my own walls up too. I was denying that I wanted to be there. That I was capable of being there. I was afraid our co-workers were going to hate me, reject me, or oust me even after most of them showed me that they liked working with me and respected my presence there. I was afraid that I was going to fuck up. What if I lost control, exploded, and pushed too hard? What if I cowered, didn’t speak up, and didn’t push hard enough? What if I let everyone down? Proved those people who do still hate me right? Prove my own fears and self-criticism and internalized oppression right? So, I pushed everything to the side and wanted to run from it all. I didn’t, because I knew you needed me there and I knew somewhere inside that I needed to be there too. And that’s growth. But then one day, I was journaling and you were asleep with your head in my lap and it hit me. When that evil voice in my head that we hate so much— when it tells me that ‘you don’t want this,’ it’s just a mask for ‘I don’t believe I can do this.’ I do really want things like working in the government as a politician now and in the future, but I didn’t have the trust in myself, the belief in myself, the self-confidence, and the self-grace— the self-love—to believe I could go after what I want. And I realized I needed to work on that. And I still am, but I’ve come really far with it because of you.”  
  
Matteo tilted his head and poked a finger at David’s ear. “Sounds like it’s because of you, not me.”  
  
“Well, yeah, I’ve put the work in, but it’s because you motivate me to do it and show me myself,” David said. Matteo smiled as he started tracing up and down David’s ear. “Like, that laser beam thing? Your brain is iconic, Matteo. You captured me in such a great metaphor that I’m never letting go of now that I believe it. It’s in everything I’ve ever done. My coping mechanisms, good and bad. The revolution, my friendship, our relationship. That first meeting you sent me to. I thought I had no clue what I was doing, but I went straight from caretaker mode to revolutionary mode to politician mode in a matter of minutes. I didn’t even know I had a politician mode. But I did and I still do. Making compromises that are actually better than the independent options. Keeping justice in mind with everything I do so that the short term and long term goals are all accounted for. Listening to everyone, but having the wisdom to synthesize the information into what matters. Keeping my cards close to my chest so I can make power plays, but also not being shy about things so that people can see the work that is being done with them in mind. Establishing good relationships with co-workers and citizens alike so that we can all work together, but also so that my network is strong enough to get things done for the cause. Believing in the importance of my cause and my power, but also being humble enough to let other people play a role because I know that this is much bigger than just me.”  
  
“Wow,” Matteo said a bit sarcastically with his eyes on the canopy. “It’s almost as if you were born for this because your personality and natural abilities fit perfectly with the requirements of the job.”  
  
“Yeah, it’s perfect for me,” David said. He smiled softly and Matteo was so glad he caught it. He leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to David’s chin before he opened his mouth to continue. “But I only see that because you forced me to look in the mirror for real and confront my demons. And because when I watch you confront yours, I want to do the same. Watching you advocate yourself and put in the work, then get the results of self-love and joy and peace and strength and respect within the world— it makes me want to do the same and it makes me believe it’s possible. I have been putting in the work now, and I know I still have a ways to go. But I can honestly say that my fantasies about my future career in the government aren’t shitty most of the time anymore. I see myself winning elections and signing civil rights laws and working with the community and shaking hands with the people who lives are positively impacted by my work and giving speeches with killer first-person narratives and even endorsing new candidates who start running for office because watching me succeed made them want to try. And I know that we still need to figure out what our new democracy will look like and that the transition team has a lot of work to do before those fantasies could ever come true. And I mean, the monarchy might not even end so—”  
  
“Want to be my co-king if it doesn’t?” Matteo asked. He realized the gravity of his question once it hit the air. He was half kidding, half serious, and he hadn’t even really thought about it as an option until that moment.   
  
Matteo looked to David’s eyes as they looked off into the distance. Matteo readied himself to walk it back, say it was a joke, something they didn’t have to think about. But then David spoke, and Matteo was simultaneously surprised and not surprised in the slightest.  
  
“Honestly, maybe,” David said. “I’d have to think about it more, but I don’t think it would be the worst thing. Partly because I do want to do this work forever, but more because I want us to work together forever. We are partners. Our lives should be interwoven. Each of us should be strong and follow our own paths, but our paths go together. They are on the same page, just like we are. So, no matter what happens, I want to live in this world with you. Not my world or your world, but our world. We each bring things to this new life we are building together. It’s beautiful to see how those things fit so well together and allow us each to have the things we want or need. This is just one of many, many examples. You bring me the chance to be a part of the world of politics and the chance to help shape the government into what it should be. And the courage to admit that this is where I belong and the courage to see it all so clearly. Because I really can, Matteo. My life’ it’s right there on the insides of my eyelids.”  
  
Matteo looked up at David’s face and saw that his eyes were closed, so Matteo closed his own. “Tell me about it?”  
  
“I go to work every day as a political powerhouse who leads his way to justice and liberation for all by skirting the line between working within the system and pushing the system to be better. Then, I come home to you and our own place every night. I am the fiercely loyal partner who loves you and takes care of you and challenges you and washes the dishes and makes the bed and teases you endlessly because you are such an endearing little shit at the same time that you are the most powerful, wise advocate who changes the world in infinite ways just by being himself and who loves me so deeply no matter what. In my spare time, I paint. It’s a hobby, a passion project, a catharsis, an escape, entertainment, but above all else, it’s whatever I need it to be. Also, I am a friend. A brother. A son because our family is brilliantly ours. Then, someday, I become an uncle. And a father— only if you want that, too.”  
  
“I do,” Matteo said. He nuzzled closer to David at the same time that David pulled him closer.  
  
“Matteo, I love this life we are creating, I love you and I love myself,” David said. “I love myself for all that I am and all that I have been and all that I am becoming. From here on out, I am going to love myself enough to go after the things I want, that I need, that I am called to. I know it will take work. I know I will have to learn and relearn the same lessons over and over again. But I have everything I need to do that. I have the most amazing support system—my family, you, myself, all this love and hope and power. So, yeah, here I am. My life. Our life. All of it. I’m here and I’m not just staying. I’m diving the fuck in.”  
  
Quite filled the space, so Matteo opened his eyes. He saw David looking down at him with so much more strength and love than Matteo had ever seen from him. All he could do was bring his lips to David’s and kiss him with everything he had. David kissed him back, firm and strong. There was so much passion between their lips, so much pride, so much promise.  
  
As David wrapped his arms around Matteo and pulled him even closer, Matteo found his way to words, so he regretfully pulled back. “I’m here too, by the way. Diving in and loving our life and I absolutely think we should move in together into a house without any stairs.”  
  
“Oh my god, you,” David said, laughing. Matteo grinned, then leaned up to return to their kiss, but his lips just fell onto David’s open mouth as he laughed harder. Matteo couldn’t stop himself from laughing as well, throwing himself at David’s shoulder. David lost control over his balance in all the laughter and interwoven body parts, and fell back, taking Matteo with him. Lying back on the bed, still wrapped in each other’s arms, David caught his breath and kissed Matteo’s temple. “After the election, we should do it. Find somewhere that’s a happy medium between a one-room house and multi-story palace?”   
  
“Agree,” Matteo said, grabbing David’s hand. “Somewhere nice, but not too nice. With a grand ass kitchen.”  
  
“And a library,” David said, snuggling closer to Matteo. “I want books for miles.”  
  
“Yes. And there will be curtains everywhere,” Matteo said. “And a room for your art.”  
  
“An actual art studio,” David said wistfully. He took a deep breath and turned his head to look at Matteo. “Okay, I’ve changed my mind. We should do this now.”   
  
Matteo held in a laugh and poked a finger at the corner of David’s lips. “Shh, patience, Schreibner,” he said. “All the time in the world, remember?”   
  
“How could I forget?” David asked, voice low. The laugh Matteo held within him diffused into longing as he watched David climb on top of him. David perched himself on Matteo’s hips and brought his hands up to Matteo’s jaw all while staring down at his lips with his eyes dark. But then, David laughed adorably and sat back with a hand moving to his heart. “Oh my god. Matteo. I just noticed that your buttons are messed up.”  
  
Still feeling a bit confused, Matteo propped himself up with his elbows and looked down at his shirt. Sure enough, his third button was in the second hole; a true mess that they had both been too caught up in each other to notice.  
  
“Wow,” Matteo said, huffing out a laugh through his lopsided grin. “I guess I can be a good king but still not know how to button my shirt properly.”  
  
“That’s okay,” David said. He was smug as he brought his hands down to Matteo’s buttons. “You can just take it off.”  
  
Matteo smiled and laid back in bed. David started unbuttoning his shirt, and Matteo tilted his head to the side against his pillow.  
  
“Yeah, _I_ can take it off,” Matteo said. There was a happy sarcastic chuckle in his voice as he felt the air on his bare chest. He sat up just a bit, an indication to David to push the shirt off his shoulders. David did just that and dropped the shirt onto the bed next to them. Then Matteo ghosted his hands at the hem of David’s shirt. “May I?”  
  
“Please do,” David said. Matteo beamed at the tender smile evident in David’s eyes, voice, and even the way he gently placed his hands on Matteo’s waist.  
  
Matteo loved every moment of lifting David’s shirt over his head, except for the split second where David had to take his hands off Matteo's skin. But then the shirt was off, and David’s warm, loving touch was back in full force. Matteo threw the shirt away like he normally did, but it just bounced off the curtain and down onto the bed.  
  
Matteo didn’t let that stop him from reaching his hands up to find a home on David’s back. As David leaned down to him, Matteo grinned mischievously. “Sure is convenient that the curtains were drawn.”  
  
David smiled big and they laughed together, even with David’s lips on Matteo’s.  
  
— — — 6 — — — 

David felt more secure than ever, so it was easier than ever to live the life he saw in front of him at every moment.  
  
It started with Matteo’s letter to the mental health group in Yogalla. They didn’t work on it every day, but for a solid two weeks, it was always a possible conversation topic and activity to do. Eventually, Matteo had info dumped to David enough, dictated enough notes to him, and written enough drafts himself to be pleased with his work. David also thought the final version of the letter was fantastic and encouraged Matteo to hold tight to his gut feeling and just send it. Which, he did.  
  
The freedom that glistened on Matteo’s skin with the letter in the mail was exquisite for David to watch and pushed him even deeper into his work. The campaign was moving along quite nicely, and David felt confident that they were doing the best work they could. With the vote a little over two months away, the meetings at the palace shifted to actually pulling together the necessary moving parts to hold the election and to much more serious conversations about the possible transition to democracy. The more they all talked about the hypothetical transition team, the more David knew he wanted to be a part of it. He smiled every time one of the advisors told him he most certainly had a place on the team.  
  
He smiled even bigger when he was offered the official title of advisor. It took him a moment to reconcile technically being on his boyfriend's payroll, but Matteo, along with Jonas, Hanna, and Hans, assured him that the money was a formality that didn’t change anything. David agreed and accepted the position.  
  
It didn’t change his relationship with Matteo, or really even the other advisors. But it did change the way he saw himself; he was officially working within the government, a dream come true that he could finally fully experience the joy of. There may have been a bit of happy screaming, jumping up and down and dancing to imaginary music with Matteo the night after his first official day on the job. 

The job changed also the way he lived; he was being generously compensated for his work like never before. David finally had money to send home to Laura and to Genevieve, something that he had never even been able to conceptualize as possible, but made him feel so good inside. He also, for the first time ever, had his own money to spend. He was still frugal by nature, but he was glad to be able to purchase things like an easel for himself, formal attire for Amira’s upcoming wedding, and a coral brooch for Matteo’s mother as a welcome home gift.  
  
Exactly one month after their visit to the winter home, Matteo’s mother moved out and returned to the palace. Her wing of the residential floor was lovely, full of blue tones with pink and white accents, just as she requested. She had a lovely view of the garden and a grand piano like she had asked for. She didn’t want to take up any responsibilities yet, so she decided relearning to play would be her driving force. She told them that she didn’t know how it would go and that she was a bit nervous, but she was excited to try. And then Matteo had taken her hand and said he would learn alongside her.  
  
David let them practice in peace most days, giving that mother and son space they needed. But they often caught him listening just outside Matteo's mom’s room or in the grand hall where there was another piano. Most of the time, they invited him in to listen to their progress and David graciously accepted the invitation.   
  
They were doing well, and David could see how it was grounding them both. Also grounding Matteo was his new hobby of baking. He loved throwing himself into every recipe he found and was always so proud to share the results with anyone and everyone. Their friends were also pretty happy about it too. Group dates weren’t complete without some sort of treat courtesy of Matteo.  
  
They had started going on double and triple quite often as a way to hang out with their friends, and it was so lovely. David, Matteo, Carlos and Kiki played crochet at the Machwitz manner even though there was some snow on the ground. David, Matteo, Jonas, and Hanna attended a play together that was pretty terrible but entertaining nonetheless. Altogether, David, Matteo, Jonas, Hanna, Carlos, and Kiki, had a classy dinner date at the palace with no shortage of utensils or hearty laughs.  
  
Matteo even engineered a much more lowkey triple date with Hans, Michi, Linn, and Laura at the Schreibner house. He insisted that he and Laura cook lunch for them all, and incorporate cabbages into the meal somehow. When he explained how parties and cabbages plants stood for a happy queer life in his mind thanks to that time Hans told him about Laura without realizing that she was his soon to be boyfriend’s sister, everyone laughed and melted with joy.  
  
David was no different, of course. It was so excellent to see that Matteo was living out that happy queer life and that David was getting to do the same. He loved how his own happy queer life included so many amazing new friends and new opportunities. But he felt bad.  
  
He felt bad because he hadn’t taken a shift at the metal shop in two weeks, but hadn’t actually resigned yet. He felt bad because he hadn’t seen Abdi in three weeks. He felt bad because it had been a whole month without Leonie, his best friend, his rock, essentially his twin separated at birth. But it had been a month. David knew they would pick up where they left off and their lack of each other came from his busy schedule, not contempt. But he still felt guilt rotting in his gut as he silently ate a freshly baked pear tart on that lowkey, happy queer life triple date. Matteo eyed him cursorily from the seat next to him and David just took another bite.  
  
Then, as he swallowed the last of his tart and listened to everyone talk of heading back to work, there was a knock at the door. David got up, opened it, and briefly feared he had somehow manifested Leonie to his doorstep. But that all vanished when he noticed she was softly crying and staring up at him with a vulnerability he rarely ever saw from her.  
  
Matteo walked up behind David before he had a chance to say anything to Leonie, and before he could say anything to Matteo, Hans’ and Linn’s laughs rang out from the kitchen.

Leonie wiped at her wet cheek, straightened her back, and covered herself with a stoic wall of disapproval. “You’ve clearly got company. I’ll leave.”  
  
“No, no,” David said, reaching out a hand to her. “Stay.”  
  
“Yeah, we were all just leaving,” Matteo said to Leonie. Then he put a hand on David’s shoulder, kissed his cheek, and whispered in his ear. “Go be a friend. You both need it. Love you.”  
  
David just smiled at Matteo and rubbed his back a little before inviting Leonie in. It was only a matter of minutes before Matteo had cleared everyone from the house. David locked the door and turned around to face Leonie as she stood restlessly in front of the drafting table.  
  
“What’s wrong, Leonie?” David asked. She was silent, arms crossed and eyes averted. “It’s just the two of us now.”  
  
She promptly turned to face him. “I hate you so much sometimes, you know that?”  
  
“Because I know how much our friendship means to both of us?” David asked with a raised eyebrow. He took a step towards her, calm even in her storm.  
  
“And because you say shit like that now?” Leonie asked, throwing a hand up. “I thought I was supposed to be the smart one! The one with reason and logic.”  
  
“I think that’s always been both of us. You’re just in the thick of something right now,” David said. He stood just a foot away from Leonie and she stared up at him with haughtily raised eyebrows. “Don’t look at me like that,” he said defensively. “You showed up on my doorstep in tears.”  
  
“I’m not in tears,” she said. She turned around and walked behind the drafting table, her steps loud, and her hands trailing along the edge of the table until she accidentally knocked off a stack of papers. “Fuck. I’m not crying. I’m just angry and sad and have feelings that I can’t act on because Sara is fucking straight!” Leonie crossed her arms and forcefully backed up against the wall. David felt the slightest smile growing on his lips as he looked at her, glad to finally hear the words from her mouth. “Quit looking at me like you knew that,” she spat. “I mean, I know you did, but you don’t have to rub it in.”  
  
“Hey, you knew how I felt about Matteo before I told you,” David said. He reached down to grab the scattered papers off the floor and rose back up to see Leonie looking off to the side in anguish. “Don’t worry. You’ve done a great job hiding it. I’ve just been in your shoes.”  
  
“Yeah, and you got to have him,” Leonie said. She snapped her head over to David. “But that’s not how this works for me.”  
  
“Need I remind you how much I didn’t think I would get Matteo,” David said. He set the papers back down on the drafting table and stood to the side of it, trying to give Leonie a bit of space.  
  
“No, I know,” she said harshly. “It’s all ‘Matteo this, Matteo that’ with you these days. We hardly ever even see each other anymore.”  
  
“Leonie, I’m really sorry about that,” David said, earnestly. He took a small step towards her. “I’ve been thinking about that too and I haven’t been pulling my weight here.”   
  
“Don’t be sorry,” Leonie said. She dropped her arms to her side and sighed. “I’m really happy for you and I’m so glad you guys are together. You’re so happy with him and I want that for you. But I miss you. And, I, I need you. I can’t deal with all these feelings about Sara and my life and my shit without you.”

David thought for a moment, looking down at his feet and reflecting on all the types of heartache that he knew he and Leonie had in common. He chuckled a little when he put his finger on it and looked back up at her.   
  
“But let me guess, you didn’t want to need me? And me being so busy with Matteo made it really easy to avoid dealing with all this?” David asked. Leonie shrugged her shoulders in the way that David knew meant yes. He sighed and moved to stand next to her behind the drafting table with his back against the wall. “I’m really sorry, Leonie. I should have pushed more. I should have been around more.”  
  
“No, it’s okay,” Leonie said. She turned and pressed a shoulder into the wall so she was facing David. “You’re out there doing great work, spending as much time as possible with the person you love. That’s really fantastic and you deserve the grand ass future you’ve got with Matteo. It’s just hard to see myself in that some days. And, also, like you get to run to Matteo. I know I don’t need romance to survive, but it might be nice to have someone in my life. But Sara is straight and these feelings have been here for a long time and I don’t know what to do with them and how to, like, frame all this shit besides—”  
  
“Not being able to have good things?” David asked with a head tilt.   
  
“Something like that,” Leonie said down to the ground. 

David contemplated for another moment, remembering all the promises he had made to himself, Leonie, to the crew, to Matteo. Promises that included being a friend every day of his life, loving those who loved him, and holding tight those who had been there all along. Promises that he thought he had been ready to keep months ago, but now knew he was truly, truly ready to uphold.   
  
“Okay, here’s what’s going to happen,” David said. He pushed himself off the wall and took a step back out from behind the drafting table, just enough to face Leonie and grab her by the shoulders. “I’m going to love you and support you. You’re going to be real with me and let yourself need me just like I need you— because I still do. I spend all my time in that palace; I need your fiery, ruthless Karthik born brand of badass to balance out my life and remind me of who I am. Plus, you’re family; this thing between us stays no matter what. Don’t think for a second that won’t be here to stand with you and figure this shit out with you. I’ve got Matteo and I’m building a life with him, but you are a 100% part of that life. I promise to do better acting like it now that I’ve really got my like together the way I want it. I feel the most me I’ve ever been. So, I’m here with you, no matter what life looks like from here on out, whether I get a position in our new democracy or the monarchy continues I become king—”  
  
“Wait, you would do that?” Leonie asked, eyes wide.  
  
“Yeah, I would,” David said. He let out a deep breath and dropped his arms from Leonie’s shoulders. “I’ve thought about it a lot. Matteo and I have talked about it a lot. We know that if the monarchy continues, we will be kings together, even though neither of us really saw ourselves in that role. But, long story short, I actually really do see myself working in government for the rest of my life.”  
  
“I’m going to need the long version of that at some point,” Leonie said smiling assumed. “But the rest of King David first, please.”  
  
“I’ll tell you the rest later when you spend the night?” David asked. Leonie nodded. “Okay, good. Anyways, so yeah, the other reason I would become king if the monarchy continued is because, in that scenario, Matteo will stay king. Florenzia needs him to continue leading them to a bold and better day. He may not really want to be king forever, but he loves this kingdom so much that he will always be there when it needs him. And as king, he’s going to need a partner to rule with. And that’s me; I’m his partner. I’m there for him when he needs me, and vice versa and we love doing that for each other. So, yeah, I’ll step up and be king even if I will always be an anti-monarchist in my bones.”  
  
“Wow,” Leonie said, nodding. “That’s really big of you.”   
  
“No, that’s me honoring the love I have in my life. Love is about growing together. Learning to see yourself in a new light and being that person. You can’t be the same person you were before when you have a love like this in your life, and that’s a good thing. And Leonie,” he said, stopping to grab her hands. “Our love is a part of that too. You’re my best friend, my literal partner in crime. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without you. You make me a better person and you always support me exactly like I need. I’m going to make sure that’s mutual. Okay? No matter what happens and what you need, I’m here.”  
  
“I love you too, you fucker,” Leonie said. She rolled her eyes, but there was a smile on both her and David’s faces. She stepped out from behind the drafting table and hugged him. “See, lover boy is a good nickname for you,” she said over David’s shoulder. “You understand love better than any of us.”  
  
David smiled bigger and closed his eyes. He squeezed Leonie tighter so she couldn’t escape from his grasp and slap him on the arm when he said the cheesy but true words rattling around in his head.  
  
“How could I not understand love when I have so much of it in my life?”  
  
It didn’t take much effort for Leonie to free herself from the hug and punch David’s bicep. David didn’t mind one bit.  
  
— — — 7 — — — 

Matteo had an excellent time chatting with Hans as they walked back to the palace with Stefan there as their guard. Stefan even got in on the conversation a little bit, and it was just a lovely time, even if Matteo was worried about Leonie. He wasn’t worried about David, though. Matteo knew David had the situation handled, was an expert best friend and needed to spend some time getting back to that part of himself.

Matteo knew that he too needed to return to the best friend part of himself. He had needed to exert almost all of his time and energy on settling into his relationship, well-being, and responsibilities, but he felt that he had the space to be a friend again. He knew there were still parts of himself and his life that needed settling, but something told him that the answer was wrapped up in the two way street of life long friendship. 

When Matteo got back to the palace, he immediately looked for Jonas and was sad to find out he was in a meeting about water distribution in farming communities. So, he slipped a note under Jonas’ private office— the one that he had gladly taken over and completely refurbished when a certain advisor was fired and fled the city— then Matteo went to go practice piano in the grand hall.  
  
A little under an hour later, Jonas entered the hall just as Matteo’s note had suggested he do.  
  
“Matteo Florenzi, all alone,” Jonas said, holding his work files in his hand down by his side. “When did we decide it was opposite day?”

“Ha. Ha. Very funny,” Matteo said exaggeratedly. He lifted his hands off the keys and looked over to Jonas as he walked in. “David is with Leonie for the rest of the day.”  
  
“Cool,” Jonas said. He took a seat in a chair not too far away and set his things down on the small table next to it. “And, hey, you know that I was just joking.”  
  
“But it’s true,” Matteo said. He shifted on the piano bench to face Jonas more directly with his hands in his lap. “I spend a lot of time with David. You and I don’t hang out as much as we used to.”  
  
“Yeah, we don’t. But that’s understandable. I’m not the only guy in your life anymore,” Jonas said. Matteo looked down to his lap, the slightest blush rising on his cheeks. But it vanished as Jonas kept talking and Matteo considered the truth of what he said. “It’s not just about David, though. We all have, like, double the friends now. It’s great to see you hanging out with people and doing stuff these days. And, even before David and all this new connection came into our lives, being king doesn’t leave much free time.”  
  
“Yeah. These six months on the throne have been a whirlwind,” Matteo said. He looked up at the historical portraits of previous kings and queens on the wall above Jonas. He scanned over his parents nostalgically, then looked back to Jonas. “I wish we had more time to hang out like we used to. It’s like one of two things I miss from the old days.”  
  
“I miss you too, man,” Jonas said. Then his voice perked up. “But, hey, maybe soon we won’t have to get our time together in occasional official meetings and group dates.”   
  
“Like if the monarchy ends?” Matteo asked. His eyes wandered back up to the blank space where his portrait was meant to hang. It had yet to be completed.  
  
“I know the transition will be long,” Jonas said. “But I think we’ll both have more time.”  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said. His eyes fell from the empty wall as his brain started meandering to a topic that had been popping up in his thoughts lately. He hadn’t even seriously brought it up with David, but as his body drifted back to face the piano and his fingers ran pressurelessly across the keys, he gave it a shot. “Maybe too much time. Like, um, have you ever thought about what I’m going to do if the monarchy ends?   
  
“Breathe,” Jonas said. He was dead serious.  
  
“Well, yeah,” Matteo said, knowing he wasn’t wrong. “I want to relax a little and do the things I want to do. Keep playing piano, baking, cooking, reading. I’ve even been writing some lately. More of that would be fun. And I’d love to spend more time with all my friends and my mom and even David. Like, I know we spend a lot of time together, but it still never feels like quite enough, even if I’m glad to spend time with other people or on my own.”  
  
“Welcome to being in love,” Jonas said with a bit of a laugh. “Hanna and I, we need more of it, even though we work together. I was actually thinking of asking her to move in with me.”  
  
“That’s a great idea!” Matteo said. He looked over to Jonas, excited for him and for a change in the subject, even if his stomach dropped a little at the same time. “Into the castle?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Jonas said. “Maybe we’ll get a place together, if the monarchy ends.”  
  
“But if it doesn’t,” Matteo said, looking back at the piano. “Moving day for Hanna and David.”  
  
“You guys have talked about that?”  
  
“Yeah. We have a whole plan for if I stay king,” Matteo said. He knocked his thumbnail against a black key and spoke like his gut was telling him to. “But I don’t feel like we have an actual plan for what happens if I don’t stay king. Like, we know how the transition is going to work for the most part. I’ll have reduced king power for a while and David will be a part of the transition team. Then, when it’s time, we’ll move out together and he’ll get elected to the new government and I’ll stop being king. But then what? I do nothing? I can’t just bake and play piano and hang out with everyone during their spare time. Because I mean, you and David and everyone will be busy with work. And I’ll just be in our stairless house with no schedule or direction or passion or job. And that seems like a recipe for a dangerous mental illness situation.”  
  
“Well then, we’ll figure it out,” Jonas said nonchalantly. “That’s what we do, right?”  
  
“I just hate always putting that burden on you,” Matteo said. He turned away from the piano, ran a hand through his hair, and then put out a hand in Jonas’ direction. “Like, when do I get to help you figure out your stuff?   
  
“You’re welcome to help me figure out how to ask Hanna to move in with me,” Jonas said. “Because I’m honestly scared she’ll say she isn’t ready.”   
  
“Why? You do want to talk about it?” Matteo asked. He felt genuinely concerned and his heart ached a little thinking about two of his closest friends having conflict in their relationship even though he knew a little bit of that was normal.  
  
“Yeah, but not right now,” Jonas said. He grabbed his files and brought them to his lap. “I’ve got yet another meeting this afternoon.”   
  
“Tonight?” Matteo asked. “Even if David does show up, I can kick him out. I need my best friend and he needs me. David’ll understand.”  
  
“A guy’s night sounds really nice,” Jonas said. He stood up and took a few steps to meet Matteo at the piano. He lifted a slow, asking hand and Matteo nodded with a smile. He loved how Jonas gave him the chance to say yes or no to physical contact because over time, he had realized that was what Matteo needed from him. Jonas’s hand landed firm and comforting on Matteo’s shoulder. “And, hey, please don’t feel bad about having stuff and needing me. You’re not a burden. I love being there for you. It’s honestly an honor.”  
  
“Thank you,” Matteo said. He lifted a hand to Jonas’s outstretched arm, landing on his inner elbow with a smile.  
  
A moment later, Jonas took his arm away, turned around as he started walking. “Sure thing, not so little one,” he said. Then he turned back around, walking backwards. “And, don’t worry, me and David and everyone will help you figure out your future. We’ve got plenty of time and there’s nothing we can’t solve.”  
  
Jonas turned around like that was it, but Matteo’s mind had one last thing.   
  
“You know, Jonas,” Matteo said, louder to catch his attention. He turned back around and stopped in the entryway. “The day of the arena, you and I talked before all that. You told me that the only way out is through. And I think about that a lot. I feel like it fits me really well. But I’ve also realized that the only way through is together. I think that fits me too. Fits all of us. Anyways, I’ll let you go to your meeting and we can talk more later. I just wanted to tell you that while I had the words.  
  
“I love you, man,” Jonas said, thoughtful and earnest.  
  
“Love you, too,” Matteo responded just the same.  
  
Jonas left, and Matteo turned back to the piano. He took a deep, satisfied breath, readjusted his posture, and started playing.  
  
He played until his stomach grumbled and he went to the kitchen to make dinner for him and Jonas. He made an extra serving in case David came by; he wasn’t going to send his boyfriend away without a hearty helping of bolognese. But David didn’t end up coming, and for once, that actually made him smile. He couldn’t wait to hear about his time with Leonie, but he also couldn’t wait to tell him about his time with Jonas.  
  
He ended up bringing their dinner up to Jonas’ office, where he was desperately trying to wrap up for the day. The sight of his favorite of Matteo’s pasta dishes got him to close the books really fast. They ate there in his office, talking and laughing and reminiscing and swapping stories they had already heard from each other a million times.  
  
They didn’t get to anything new, really, until they were lounging on the floor of Jonas’ room. With his feet propped up on a chair, his head on the ground and his fingers raking through the knotted rug beneath him, Matteo listened as Jonas explained that he worried Hanna wouldn’t want to move in with him because they were trying to be more independent while still maintaining their relationship. It was something she had brought up because she felt like she could only define herself by their relationship. Jonas had gladly encouraged her to explore the world, try new things, and deepen her friendships.  
  
Looking back, Matteo had noticed Hanna spending more time with people like Kiki, Sam, and Mia. He made a mental note to check in with her, as well as try to find a time to hang out and commiserate about their lack of direction. Matteo laughed at his own thought, which only mildly confused Jonas as he started talking about trying to grow through friendship and future planning.  
  
Jonas explained how Matteo was really his only super close friend, and while he loved that, he wanted to expand his horizons a bit. Matteo quickly suggested they have a guys’ night with David, Abdi, and Carlos, and Jonas said it sounded like a fantastic idea.  
  
On the topic of the future, Matteo was glad to hear that he wasn’t the only person with questions. Should the monarchy end, Jonas didn’t know if he wanted to work on the transition team or focus on the daily functioning of the kingdom during the transition. He especially didn’t know if he would run for office in the democracy since he had really only fallen into the world of government work to support Matteo.  
  
Matteo told Jonas that he would support him no matter what he chose to do, even if that meant not continuing to be an advisor if the monarchy ended. He also joked that he would vote for David over Jonas if they both ran for the same position, to which Jonas agreed that he too would probably make that call.  
  
Somehow, they circled back around to the moving in together conversation, and Matteo suggested that Jonas not ask Hanna yet since it didn’t sound like they were even ready to have a conversation about it. Jonas looked a little sad about that, but he assured Matteo that he thought it was the right call. He was only sad because, “What does it say about our relationship if, after three years together, we can’t even entertain the idea of moving in together? You and David have been together for less than six months and already know the must-have list for your place.”  
  
Matteo just looked up the ceiling contemplatively as he thought and spoke. “Well, that just means your relationship is yours and ours is ours. No sense in comparing. Nothing else matters besides what makes you two happy. That’s love, when you believe in what you have so strongly and love it so much that none of the noise matters. Even if you have to remind yourself of that every once and awhile.”  
  
Jonas smiled down at him from where he sat propped against his dresser. “God, if you’re already a love expert, I can’t wait until we’re all in our fifties and decades into this whole relationship thing. Romantic, platonic, familial, all of it.”  
  
Satisfied, Matteo sighed and smiled. “Me neither, man, me neither.”  
  
— — — 8 — — — 

A month after David told Matteo that Leonie had a secret they were managing together and Matteo opened up to David about the depth of his uncertainty about his future, a fleet of carriages waited in front of the palace to carry everyone to Amira and Mohammed’s wedding. It was bright and early in the morning, and slowly but surely everyone who was slated to attend the wedding, from personal friends of Amira to political friends of Yogalla to those working the trip, arrived with their bags and prepared to depart.  
  
David was one of the last to arrive because he had gotten a little distracted from packing the night before. Matteo had nagged him to get to it and then come to bed with him, but David knew he couldn’t show up to the wedding with an incomplete version of his gift— an elegant canvas painting of a lemon tree to represent both a meaningful moment of Amira and Mohammed’s relationship and longevity in love.  
  
After finishing his gift, getting a few hours of sleep pressed against Matteo’s chest, and packing his things in the morning, David rushed down the stairs and out to the fleet of carriages. He took a deep, centering breath and went directly to Stefan who was loading the cargo cart.  
  
“After all this time,” David said smoothly. Stefan turned around and smiled. “Still doing the grunt work?”   
  
“Still the newbie until we get our next incoming class in a few months,” he said. He grabbed David’s things, then added his bag and carefully padded painting to the cart. He looked back to David, an even more genuine smile on his face. “But at least tomorrow I get to be on Schreibner duty.”  
  
David smiled back, but looked to the side a bit uncomfortably. “I hate that I’m a person that requires security.”  
  
“You kick ass better than I do, honestly,” Stefan said with a laugh.  
  
David looked back at Stefan and nodded his head in humble agreement. “Yeah, well, at least I know that if someone tries to come for me, we’ll take them down together.”  
  
“As always,” Stefan said. He stuck his hand out for David to shake. “See you there, man.”  
  
David shook his hand and moved along. He spotted Matteo off in the distance, but he also saw his mother standing back by the castle wall, taking it all in. He walked over to her, dazzling and gentle smile gracing his lips.  
  
“Ms. Florenzi?” David asked. He approached and she looked over at him. There was a happiness in her eyes as he stopped to stand in front of her. “Are you coming with us after all?”  
  
“Oh, no,” she said pleasantly. “I would love to, but I’m just not up for big events like this at the moment. Just came for the sendoff. And, David,” she said, reaching out for his hands. “I’ve told you a million times; call me Luna.”  
  
David looked down bashfully as she held his hands maternally, then he looked back up. “Right, sorry. Well, Luna,” he said, intentionally and beyond kind. “We will be sure to give Amira, Mohammed and their families your love.”  
  
“Thank you,” she said. “I hope you enjoy the trip. Yogalla is a beautiful country. You deserve the world, my son, and I am so glad you are finally getting to see it.”  
  
The smile on David’s face was modest, but it was bright and he felt joy all over his skin. Luna smiled back at him and pulled him in for a quick hug, which he relished. He relished all her hugs. They were such a beautiful mix of the hugs Matteo gave, the warmth he felt when he thought about materialism and the gentle love that poured out of Luna Florenzi at all times. 

They pulled away from the hug, and she shooed David off to go see Matteo, which he gladly did. He began to hear the conversation Matteo was having with Sara and Leonie as he walked up to them.  
  
“Thank you again for inviting me to come to this wedding,” Sara said.  
  
“Of course,” Matteo said. “Amira and Mohammed wanted an open invite for the whole Florenzian crew. And I know how much you’ve been wanting to go to a wedding.”  
  
Sara smiled sweetly at Matteo, clearly touched by something between them. David was glad to know they had inside things, a sign of a real friendship after such an odd, less than ideal start.  
  
Leonie, though, rolled her eyes. David could see it from her profile and from a few feet away.  
  
“What can be so special about a wedding?” she asked. “I mean, I’ve lived my whole life without going to a wedding. We don’t do religious stuff in Florenzia and since the law says the king or queen has to approve every union, it ends up just being the rich and the noble who get married.”  
  
“Actually,” David said, joining their circle outside their carriage. “We’re hoping to change the marriage system so that marriage is accessible to all people. We’ve already changed the law on same-sex marriage and interracial marriage.”  
  
“Hmm,” Leonie said, not missing a beat. “I wonder why.”  
  
“It’s not just about us,” David said seriously. “The legal rights of a marriage should be available to everyone who needs or wants them. It’s the same with the ability to apply for official record changes, which is a proofread away from being signed into law. Everyone deserves the right to have their truth reflected in official documentation.”  
  
Out of the corner of David’s eye, he saw Sara leaned over to Matteo. “Is this whole carriage ride just going to be politics?”  
  
“Come on, we can talk music,” he said. He grabbed her hand and pulled her along into the carriage. “I have questions about time signatures. Like, why? Why do we have to bring math into this?”  
  
David chuckled at his boyfriend as his voice faded inside the carriage, then felt Leonie looking at him.  
  
“You sure you guys want to ride with me and Sara?” Leonie asked, arms crossed and weight on one leg. “I would understand wanting to just ride with each other. Plus, I know Matteo can only handle so much socialization at once.”  
  
“He’s been preparing for this weekend for a while. He’s going to be alright and we’ll adapt if we need to,” David said seriously. “But you said you weren’t ready to be alone with Sara for this long. So, I’m going to support you and he’s going to support me while I support you.”  
  
“Okay, fine,” Leonie said. She dropped her arms and shoved David towards the carriage. “Now get in there before we get too mushy.”  
  
David compiled, and soon, the fleet of 17 carriages and 64 people was off to Bakkoush, the capital city of Yogalla.  
  
The drive was a long seven and a half hours but both Matteo and Leonie made it through just fine and a nice time was had by all. David was happy to see the four of them getting along so well and very proud of his two favorite people for making it through something that he knew took work for them both.  
  
David’s favorite moment from the ride wasn’t when Leonie and Sara “aww”ed at Matteo sleeping with his head on David’s lap or the boisterous political debate he had with Leonie for kicks or the time Sara and Matteo burst into song or when they all brainstormed future career ideas for Matteo and had fun with it, despite not coming up with anything super viable.  
  
Those were wonderful moments, but nothing compared to crossing the border into Yogalla. David was overcome with an exciting newness at his first time leaving Florenzia. He knew it was all arbitrary— the borderline, the difference between him having been to one kingdom or two—but he felt alive and bold as he stepped into something brand new.   
  
When they arrived in Bakkoush, the sun setting over the mountains in the distance and the water in the central river refreezing over for the night, they were ushered directly to dinner with Amira and Mohammed’s families. It was a fun, long night that David thoroughly enjoyed and Matteo pushed through because he knew he had a day of recovery ahead of him.  
  
While David and everyone else participated in a full day of pre-wedding day traditions and festivities, Matteo spent the day alone in the guest quarters. It had always been a part of the plan, something Matteo himself had suggested. He knew that in order for him to enjoy the wedding, he needed a day to rest, recover, and prepare. With only so much social energy and sensory capacities, it was vital for him and everyone was happy to let Matteo have the day he needed.   
  
David checked on Matteo a few times throughout the day, but he spent most of the day participating in the pre-wedding activities and loving every second of it. But it all paled in comparison to the ceremony the next day.  
  
With everyone who was anyone in Yogalla and beyond dressed in their finest and packed into the most beautiful, grand hall in the palace, the wedding ceremony commenced early in the afternoon. It was long and eventful, yet calm and captivating. David felt Matteo fidget in his seat and reach out to squeeze his hand for comfort a few times, but he made it through the whole ceremony and even cried a few times at the joy of seeing his best friend marry the love of her life.  
  
David got a little weepy a few times as well. He loved Amira and was proud to see her and Mohammed so happy, but really, he was moved to tears by the reverence of witnessing the beautiful Yogallan traditions and religious practices. Sheltered in his wildly non-religious hometown and mildly non-religious kingdom, David had never once witnessed anything religious. To gain that experience and be moved by it was truly wonderful. In just those few days and hours, he felt like he had learned so much about the world and gained a better understanding of the religious minority that hardly ever came up in Florenzia, but was there. David also knew that somewhere far back on his mother’s side of the family tree were ancestors who hailed from Yogalla and practiced the very religion he was bathed in. That newfound connection to himself and his mother’s family was outstandingly wonderful. 

The wedding didn’t make him want to devote his life to religion or even try to out, really, but it did remind him that there was something greater than him in the universe that he believed in. And for once, believed was truly on his side. How could he not believe that when he was surrounded by so many friends, so much family, and infinite love from the young man who had put his head on his shoulder during the final prayer of the ceremony? 

David was at a glorious wedding with the love of his life; something in the universe was on his side. His heart swelled every time he thought about that and saw their life path unfolding before his eyes. It was crystal clear. It was right in front of him as he slow danced with Matteo at the reception.  
  
With his hand on Matteo’s back, David pulled him closer as they swayed and slowly turned under the red and purple lights. He rested his chin on Matteo’s shoulder and whispered into his ear, soft and gentle. “I look forward to the day we do this ourselves.”  
  
“What? Get married?” Matteo asked. He moved his head a little, clearly trying to see David.  
  
“Yeah,” David said. He lifted his head and squeezed their intertwined hands. “You don’t think about that?”  
  
“No, I do,” Matteo said sweetly. David cracked a smile. _I wasn’t worried. Never am with this one._ “I’ve been thinking about it all day. I’ve been thinking about it since the arena. Since our first night together. Since the day we met.”  
  
“I thought I was the cheesy, romantic one in this relationship,” David said, tilting his head affectionately.   
  
“We share the job,” Matteo said. He pulled back from David a little, then before David could get too confused, he lifted their intertwined hands above his head. David got the cue, and smiled fondly as he slowly twirled around under Matteo’s hand. The end of the turn wasn’t very smooth, David’s fingers getting caught between Matteo’s a little. But it just made them laugh, soft and private, as their hands landed on each other's backs again and David stumbled into Matteo. “You’re a big fan of equality, so it’s really only fair you lose your balance from time to time, too.”  
  
David was positively breathless as he looked up at Matteo. He knew his cheeks were that version of rosy that Matteo loved to admire so much. All David could do was pull Matteo close again and mumble, “As if you don’t love equality too,” into his shoulder.  
  
“Well, yeah, that’s my whole point,” Matteo said, giggle in his voice.  
  
David was silent as they danced a little more, through a song change and a subtle wave to Jonas and Hanna who joined them on the dance floor nearby.  
  
“You know,” David said. He pulled back to look into Matteo’s eyes even as he didn’t reciprocate the eye contact. “I think our wedding will be smaller, more intimate.”  
  
“Definitely,” Matteo said. “Just close friends and family, not the whole fucking kingdom. Simple, not so loud.”  
  
“You doing okay?” David asked. He spoke a little quieter and Matteo could no doubt here the care in his voice.  
  
“Yeah, I’m good,” Matteo said. He brought his eyes to David and moved his fingers a little freer against his back. “Probably take a break soon, though.”  
  
David nodded, then picked their conversation back up, firm and sincere. “Matteo, I promise you that our wedding will be ours. Sensory-friendly, private, personal, a little dramatic and so goddamn beautiful. It will be so us and I look forward to the day, whenever it may be.”  
  
“Thank you. And me too, I’m excited. But, when we’re a bit older might be nice,” Matteo said. Then, he leaned a little closer to David. “Though, you don’t have to wait a million years to propose.”  
  
David flashed Matteo a radiant open mouth smile. “Oh, I’m proposing?”  
  
“Well, yeah, duh,” Matteo said with a goofy grin.  
  
David laughed straight from his heart and Matteo giggled as he collided into David all the way. David repositioned both his hands on Matteo’s back as he swayed with him. “When the time is right, I won’t hold back, my love.”  
  
Pressed close, they danced together for a while. Then, just when Matteo intended to leave the extravagant banquet hall, Amira and Mohammed came up to them. They hadn’t had a chance to see Amira or Mohammed yet, so David was glad to hug them both and strike up a casual conversation with Mohammed. But he was thrilled and touched to see Matteo and Amira hugging for a solid three minutes as they spoke to each other, soft and private as only lifelong best friends could.  
  
Matteo did finally pull back from Amira’s hennaed arms and excuse himself to take a break in the foyer outside the hall just as they had all planned. David stayed and talked with Amira and Mohammed a little more, but eventually, they had to continue making the rounds. David wished them well with a “see you soon” and moved on to mingle with the other guests.  
  
Half an hour or so later, the cake was cut and David grabbed slices for him and Matteo. He left to the foyer and saw Matteo sitting at the end of the hallway on the steps that led up to the external door. Matteo smiled when he saw him walking his direction. David sat down next to him on the steps and handed him his cake. Matteo thanked him with a kiss and they proceeded to eat together, sitting ridiculously close, talking happily, and being silly and serious at the same time. These were the small kinds of moments that made David’s heart soar and his soul settle in his body.  
  
Full of devotion, David stared lovingly at Matteo as he continued their conversation with a sweet grin on his face. “I love that we get to escape the world together,” Matteo said. Then he innocently smeared his frosting covered thumb across David’s cheek.  
  
“Hey!” David squealed. Matteo laughed affectionately as David formed a tight-lipped smile. Scrunching his nose up, he picked up his dollop of whipped cream with his fork and prepared to fling it at Matteo’s face even though he knew Matteo would probably enjoy some extra whipped cream.  
  
David stopped, though, when he saw two people approaching them. He turned to look at who he saw to be Amira’s older brother Omar and younger brother Essam.   
  
“Sorry to interrupt,” Essam said, waving a bit awkwardly. Matteo looked over too, and David watched in slight defense as the brothers stopped the stand in front of the steps. “But we noticed you sneak out here a while ago and thought you might have enough social energy by now. But we can go if not.”  
  
“Um,” Matteo said. 

David was just as unsure what to say as he wiped the frosting off his cheek. He didn’t know Amira’s brothers well and he knew that Matteo wasn’t actually close with either of them. Their presence itself came with question marks, but more curious was Essam’s use of the term “social energy,” something that Matteo had coined himself to describe a part of his mental illness experience. Matteo’s mental illness wasn’t actually a secret within their inner circle, but David had no reason to think Essam or Omar would know about it.

“We just wanted to give you this,” Omar said. His voice was gentle as he held out a letter to Matteo. “Sorry the response took so long. Our leader wanted to make sure he answered all your great questions thoroughly.”  
  
Staring at the letter, David’s mind went on to overdrive. It all clicked and David’s jaw dropped just a little as Matteo closed his eyes in confusion.  
  
“Wait,” Matteo said. He set down his cake on the step next to him and looked back to the brothers. “You guys are Amira’s connection to the mental health group?”  
  
Omar and Essam both nodded, and Matteo looked over to David, shocked and still a little confused. David just squeezed Matteo’s knee encouragingly. Slowly, Matteo turned back to face Omar and Essam. His eyes took a detour to the ground, but then he looked up at them and held out his hand to take the letter. Omar placed it in Matteo’s hand and smiled.  
  
“We’d be happy to talk with you about anything,” Omar said. “But we also understand if you need some time to process.”  
  
Matteo, though, didn’t appear to be listening. His eyes were nervously excited as he ripped open the envelope and pulled out the letter. Matteo started to read and David took a content breath.  
  
He got up from the steps and went over to Omar and Essam. He put his hand out to shake, which they each returned. “Thank you, guys, really,” David said quietly to allow Matteo to focus. “We’ll come find you if Matteo wants to talk after he finishes reading.”  
  
“Sounds good!” Essam said, a little loud. “Otherwise, we’re just a letter away!”  
  
Omar put a hand on Essam’s upper back and nodded to David as he turned them around to leave. David nodded back and watched them walk back down the foyer. As they reentered the banquet hall, music and a sea of voices poured out, but the door closed and the foyer fell nearly silent again.  
  
David turned around and saw Matteo looking up from the letter. His eyes glistened at David, then his voice was full of wonder.  
  
“They have names, David,” Matteo said. “I have depression. Major depressive disorder. They call them disorders sometimes too. Mental health disorders. And mine is depression.”  
  
David’s eyes lit up and his chest filled his pride. _Depression. Matteo has depression. His mental illness or mental health disorder is depression. It’s a fitting name._

“That’s fantastic, I’m so happy for you,” David said. “You feel good about this? I mean, the more specificity the better, right?”  
  
“Yeah definitely,” Mateo said. He looked down to the letter, fanning out the papers. “And this is just the first paragraph. There are pages here, David. Pages.”  
  
Matteo looked back up at David. He beamed so bright and David was so proud. Proud of his progress, proud of his happiness, proud of his acceptance; proud of everything about him and everything in him that led him to the moment. It was Matteo’s moment and David was just so, so thankful to have the honor to witness it.  
  
Matteo went back to reading the letter, and David walked over to sit next to him again. It was quiet as David finished the last few bites of his cake and sneakily watched Matteo read. He looked truly spellbound.  
  
Then, suddenly, Matteo slapped David’s leg.  
  
“Oh my god, David, I have two of them!” he shouted. Nose still buried in the letter, he deflated a tiny bit as he dropped his hand from David’s leg. “Oh, no wait, I only have one mental illness. I have one mental illness and one other thing.”  
  
“An ‘other thing?’” David asked, eyeing Matteo confused.  
  
“Okay listen,” Matteo said. He turned his body to face David and read from the letter. “‘There are pieces of your experience that are not consistent with the criteria for depression we have discovered. This initially led me to believe you have two co-occurring mental illnesses. But upon further investigation, I do not believe your second condition is a mental illness. Mental illnesses as we have seen them involve strictly mood, emotion, thinking, and behaving. But in this second disorder— the one in which you historically and currently struggle with sensory input, lack innate social skills, have a complex relationship with communication, exhibit all or nothing mentalities and engage in repetitive behaviors— I see foundational differences and/or deficiencies in your development and cognitive functioning. This leads me to believe that in addition to having a mental illness (major depressive disorder, as seems to be the case), you also have what we are tentatively calling a developmental disorder.’”  
  
Matteo dropped the letter to his lap and looked up at David. He was speechless, but he looked beyond moved and overwhelmed in a way that David was fairly certain was created by joy, disbelief, and relief.  
  
“Whoa,” David said. He was still taking it in himself— _Matteo has a developmental disorder_ — but his primary mood was a mix between pleasant surprise and care for Matteo. “That’s kind of cool?”  
  
“It’s the fucking coolest thing I’ve ever fucking heard,” Matteo said. His words were intense and deliberate and David smiled at the determined passion that bubbled under his skin. David rarely Matteo ever saw come alive more than in these moments of clarity, purpose, and understanding for himself or anyone. “Shit, I gotta keep reading,” Matteo said, fervent and fast as he picked up the letter again. “And then you’re going to read it and I’m going to pace and process.”  
  
As Matteo started reading again, David smiled and fought the urge to put his arm around Matteo. He didn’t want to distract or overwhelm him while he was in the middle of something so monumental. David just wanted to feel even closer to Matteo, but he knew that he could get that feeling by reading the letter when Matteo was done. So, he just waited patiently, silent with his hands to himself, until Matteo abruptly stood up and dropped the letter to David’s lap. Wordlessly he started pacing in front of David, moving his hands by his side and making little sounds with his mouth.  
  
Not bothered in the slightest but curious to see if the end of the letter would help him understand Matteo’s reaction to finishing, David picked up the papers and started reading.  
  
He took in every word; an explanation of depression and Matteo’s exhibition of it, more on how Matteo’s experiences fit into the idea of a developmental disability, a glossary of words to describe his experiences— many of which Matteo had intuited his way to already— paragraphs and paragraphs on the group’s views, estimated statistics mental illness’s prevalence, provisional statements on the heredity of mental illness, advice on how to live with depression and the assurance that Matteo could live a beautiful life with a disorder they were still discovering.  
  
It was that last part that led David to stand up from the steps.  


> I know it may be distressing— hearing that you likely have a disorder that we, the experts, don’t know much about. But let me assure you that you are doing very well for yourself. The life you write of is full of love, joy, hope, and connection; you are accepting yourself and making the most of everything you are. That is the essential foundation of any life with a disorder, whether that is a mental health disorder or developmental disorder or any other kind of disability.  
>    
>  But let me also assure you that we are not going to maintain our lack of knowledge on developmental disorders such as yours. You are not the first we have heard of with such a disorder, but gaining your first-person narrative has majorly improved our understanding of these types of disorders. We have already had many lively and progressive conversations about how to conceptualize these disorders and how they fit into our work. The answers we have come to tie everything together. 
> 
> We have called ourselves a mental health group, but that is no more. We are a group dedicated to the study of neurodivergence and the betterment of those who are neurodivergent through radical understanding, acceptance, and self-lead action. These are the terms we have coined in order to describe the ever-diversifying population of people whose brains work differently, whether that is due to a mental illness, developmental disorder, both or perhaps something else that we don’t even understand yet.  
>    
>  But we aim to understand it all. And we would love for you to be a part of that.  
>    
>  We would like to formally invite you to come to our secret headquarters in the El-Fawwal Mountains of Yogalla. We would love to host you here for as long as you are willing so that you can study with us. Learning more about you, your experiences and your interactions with the world would be extremely beneficial to us. We would love to have you engage in discussions and use your voice to make our work the best it can be. We also think this collaborative work could be beneficial to you, as it a chance to make an impact and grow in your activism, as well as gain more self-understanding, knowledge of the world of neurodivergence, and a community of people with similar experiences.  
>    
>  We are a loyal, tight-knit community of passionate people who come from all different backgrounds, but one thing binds us all; this is a deeply personal matter to us. Not every one of us has a neurodivergence, but well over ¾ of our group does. I do. We bring our personal experiences to the work we do and we use them to make progress. I have heard about the movement you have started in Florenzia. You seem to believe in the same ideals of authentic and first-person experience as the tools of change, power and progress.  
>    
>  We think you would be a perfect fit with us. You are welcome anytime. We can work out the details of your stay prior to your arrival or once you arrive. Trust that we will do all that is necessary to accommodate and support you while you are here. I am sure Queen Amira, Omar, or Essam can help you get back in touch with us if you desire.  
>    
>  Know that there is no pressure to work with us in any capacity. Do as you wish and follow your instincts. They are noble, trustworthy instincts.   
>    
>  I hope this letter has brought you the answers, peace, and comfort you were seeking, if nothing else. Wishing you the best in all you do.   
>    
>  Take care,  
>  Rentier

  
David dropped the letter down to his side. He felt overwhelmed by everything there on the paper, but his thoughts did not race even as his heart sped up and his body tried to recalibrate the new way their life settled in his soul.  
  
He looked up at Matteo and saw him standing in front of the steps, facing him. He held his thumbnail between his teeth and had a hand on his hip. 

For a moment, they just stared at each other. David could sense the tension in Matteo’s body and he could see the wheels of Matteo’s mind processing the more he looked into his eyes. Stare at him was all David could do as he waited for Matteo to take the lead as he deserved to. David knew what he wanted Matteo to say, to do, to promise. But he wanted Matteo to decide for himself.  
  
Eventually, Matteo dropped both his hands to his sides and let out a sigh. “I have to go, don’t I? I mean, this is it. This is what I’m doing with my life. This is the answer. So, I have to go.”  
  
David smiled a little shyly and looked at Matteo with strength and pride in his eyes. “Yeah, you do.”  
  
Matteo let out a sigh of relief, but David could tell the air he breathed back in came with anxiety, with racing thoughts, with a million possibilities that didn’t feel kind in his lungs.  
  
Matteo ran a hand through his hair and looked to the side, then back to David as he rocked on his feet. “Shit, I don’t know what this means for—”  
  
“We’ll be fine,” David said, firm and sure. He took a few quick steps to Matteo and placed his hands on Matteo’s shoulders. “We will be more than fine. Great even. Because you’ll be living out your passion and I’ll be living out mine and we will make it work. We don’t need to think about how right now. We just have to trust it and let ourselves feel how good this moment is. Because, Matteo, my love, you found it.”  
  
“I found it,” Matteo said. He spoke with happy disbelief as he put his hands on David’s waist. David smiled at him and brought a hand up to smooth out Matteo’s unruly hair. Then, he noticed a shift on Matteo’s face to something affectionate and proud. He bumped his forehead against David’s. “And you found it too.”  
  
David knew exactly what he meant as he moved his hand around to hold the back of Matteo’s head. David wasn’t freaking out, he wasn’t scared, he wasn’t catastrophizing. He was strong and calm, trusting and hopeful, full of so much belief, understanding, and love. And Matteo, at the same time, held David as tight as he held the future that he had made possible for himself by loving himself and living his life exactly as he needed to. Together in that moment, everything felt amazing and that was a feeling that David knew he could count on.  
  
— — — 9 — — — 

When Matteo and David got in a carriage with Jonas and Hanna two days after the wedding, Matteo promised the Yogallan ground under him that he would return someday and he promised the loved ones who surrounded him that he would return to them as well. Matteo knew he needed to go visit the neurodivergence group and soak up everything they had to offer him, but he also knew he needed to come back home to his family, his friends, his boyfriend, and Florenzia itself.  
  
Even if he wasn’t going to be king or hold office in the democratic government, he knew he had work to do in Florenzia. Someone had to lead the charge of neurodivergence awareness, acceptance, and justice in Florenzia. And he knew it would be him. He knew it like he knew David supported him, like he knew Jonas was happy he found his calling, like he knew his life had been leading to the moment that crown fell from his head and freed him to go after his true destiny.  
  
But he also knew that the crown falling from his head wasn’t a guarantee. It wasn’t something he could just wait around for, either. It was something he had to fight for. So, he fought.  
  
He had always worked hard on the election and the campaign, but with a month left to go until the polls would open in the east and make their way west to Clarence City, the final location of the election, over four days, Matteo poured everything he had into the final push. He maintained his boundaries— no work after dinner because that was David time, take a break if his body or brain were begging or even so much as asking for it, spend actual time with friends, put self-care practices like eating, sleeping and bathing first so that something will be leftover for work— but he pushed hard, worked diligently and let his passion carry him through.  
  
Every time Matteo gave a speech, shook a hand, or listened to a citizen, he got that feeling of satisfaction and joy that he had always enjoyed, but could only understand after learning to see himself as a neurodivergence justice advocate. It wasn’t that the people he spoke to were neurodivergent like he was, though he figured at least some of them were but didn’t know it, or that their conversations were particularly about neurodivergence. But every conversation did boil down to agency, self-lead action, and self-love. Matteo knew more and more every day that those were the tenets of not just his core beliefs, but of the democracy they were all fighting for.  
  
Even though some Florenzians did oppose the idea of a new democratic government, everything truly was coming together. When the polls opened in the east, the energy could be felt all the way in Clarence City. There was change in the air and history was in the making.  
  
Matteo couldn’t help but wall talk, flap his hands, confidently eat whipped cream sandwiches, and feel infinitely proud of the role he had played in everything, something he never thought he would get to feel. But he knew deep in his bones that this election, this change in the spirit of the Florenzian people, this step towards a better day for everyone— none of it would have happened without him. He knew that he was just one of many with the right to say that to themselves in the mirror, but the fact that he was a part of a mosaic of amazing people made the feeling of making his mark on the world even rich.   
  
Of course, his favorite person in that mosaic was David, who held his hand as they walked into the town square to vote. David walked just as tall as Matteo, if not taller, and his face lit up with the light of the sun when he saw the polling booths set up around the square and the long line of citizens who cheered when they saw them arrive.  
  
They waved back at everyone and turned to smile at each other. Matteo stared into David’s eyes, lovingly. He knew he didn’t have to say the words on his mind for David to hear them. _Almost there._  
  
David squeezed his hand, but then Matteo lost his eyes as David looked up over Matteo’s shoulder. Matteo turned to follow his line of sight and saw the empty statue base. It stood as a bold reminder of where they had all been and the fact that they, the people, had been the ones to forge their future no matter the cost. Matteo pulled David into a side hug, wishing he could have been there that night, but knowing that he had been there in spirit. Everyone had been. And everyone would continue to be. Matteo was just glad he was the lucky one who got to physically be there with David every night.  
  
Well, every night that David wasn’t with his revolutionary crew. As they arrived at the back of the line, they all hollered out to David. He turned around, saw them, and without a moment’s hesitation, ran right to them.  
  
Matteo watched with pride and admiration as they all embraced. He had always known it, but it really hit Matteo strongly in that moment; David had been waiting for this moment for so long. This day— this day that could end the Florenzian monarchy after so long of working so hard to create that reality— was David’s dream. He had been building to this day his whole life, and there they were— on the cusp of everything coming to fruition in the way David so intensely deserved. Matteo knew David had dreams beyond the end of the monarchy now, a life planned for himself in the government and with Matteo, but that just made the completion of this dream even more important. They were so close.  
  
But, of course, they weren’t physically close because Matteo was standing alone in the square, thinking. But he came back to reality when he heard the crew calling out for him to join them, so he did, with a smile on his face.  
  
Then, after waiting their turn, they all cast their vote. Checking the box labeled “democracy” sent a wonderful shiver down Matteo’s spine.  
  
Matteo and David both came out of their voting booths at the same time and looked at each other meaningfully. Matteo saw that David’s eyes were a bit wet, and his heart flourished as he reached out for David’s hand. They were silent as they ventured back to the palace, arm in arm.  
  
They were relatively quiet the rest of the day too, cuddling close and listening to Matteo mess around on the piano and hoping with all they had that the results would go their way and saving their energy for the results party planned for that night.  
  
When it came time for the party, Matteo was ready to get back out into the world, see his people, live a little, and feel the magic of the day once again. So, with David next to him, he bounded out to the sunset lit garden with a smile on his face. His eager happiness turned to awestruck amazement when he saw Hans, Michi, Laura, and Linn putting the final touches on the decorations  
  
“I’ve never thrown an election results party before,” Hans said. He turned to Matteo, hand on his hip and pride in his eyes. “But I think we managed to pull it together pretty well.”  
  
All around the garden, string lights hung, illuminating the trees and flowers that were just starting to bloom all around the garden. There were tables with colored tablecloths set up in the grass, some of which had chairs and others a buffet that Matteo could tell from the smell alone was Laura’s wonderful home cooking. On each table, there were beautiful centerpieces, complete with wooden figurines courtesy of Linn and old-fashioned lanterns.  
  
“Lanterns,” Matteo whispered. From behind, David wrapped his arms around Matteo’s middle. Matteo, though, couldn’t pull his eyes from the trees, where more lanterns of all shapes, sizes, and colors hung.  
  
“I may have mentioned to Laura that you brought a lantern down to the dungeon the first time we talked,” David said into Matteo’s ear.  
  
Matteo looked back at David, fond and nostalgic. Then, he turned back to look at Hans. “This is beautiful, Hans. Thank you for throwing this party.”  
  
“Of course,” Hans said affectionately. “Parties and cabbage plants, butterfly.”  
  
Matteo’s eyes crinkled joyously as he smiled at Hans as he walked away. Then he felt David’s arms tighten around him. “I’ll never get over how sweet it is that he calls you ‘butterfly,’” David said against the skin of Matteo’s neck.  
  
“You got a lot of nerve commenting on Hans’ nickname for me,” Matteo said. He started to turn around in David’s arms, and then David helped him finish the spin. “When you call me ‘my love’ every other sentence. Not that I’m complaining.”  
  
“Good,” David said as he looked down at Matteo’s lips. “Because I’m not sure I could stop if I tried.”  
  
Matteo bit his lip as he smiled, then leaned in to kiss David. It stayed short and sweet because they pulled away when they heard Abdi, Carlos, and Jonas coming up to them.  
  
“Party’s barely started,” Carlos said with an air of humor. He patted David’s shoulder and David loosened his grip on Matteo’s waist. “It’s going to be a long night, boys.”  
  
“Fuck off, Carlos,” Matteo said. He rolled his eyes affectionately, then felt Jonas’s hand on his own shoulder. He moved out from David’s arms and hugged Jonas.  
  
“Yeah, Carlos, let them make out if they want to,” Abdi said.   
  
“You're just jealous that you don’t have anyone to make out with,” Jonas said. He let go of Matteo as everyone laughed harmlessly.   
  
“Sam and I make out at parties sometimes,” Abdi said. “This is a party.”  
  
Matteo giggled both at Abdi’s instance and the way David reached out for Matteo again, putting an arm around his shoulder. _I’m glad I found someone as touch starved and affectionate as me. We fit so well together for like a million reasons._ Matteo smiled at his thoughts as he wrapped an arm around David’s waist.  
  
“Come on, boys,” David said. He started to walk, pulling Matteo along with him. “Food’s this way.”  
  
They all followed David further into the garden, where they grabbed food and ate as they talked and goofed around for a little while. They mingled in and out of conversation with Leonie, Sara, Stefan, and Alex as the party roared to life and more guests arrived.  
  
Then, Mohammed walked up to the boys as he chatted with Michi, Marcus, and that guy who apparently only owned turtlenecks. Matteo did a full-on double when he saw Mohammed.  
  
“Wait, Mohammed, you’re here already?” he asked.  
  
Mohammed looked down at himself, then looked back up. “Last time I checked, yeah,” he said. He spoke and smiled in that fun, nice way that defined Mohammed and made Matteo majorly approve of him as a partner for Amira.  
  
“Shit, I’ve gotta go find Amira!” Matteo said. He pulled away from David who he heard laughing fondly as he jogged away.  
  
Just on the other side of the garden, sitting around a table with Hanna, Mia, Kiki, and Sam, he found Amira smiling and having what looked to be an absolutely wonderful time.  
  
“You keep sneaking into Florenzia without me knowing!” Matteo half-shouted when he stopped in front of their table. “What gives?”  
  
Amira looked up at him with a friendly deadpan. “It’s not sneaking in if you know I’m coming and forget.”   
  
“I didn’t forget,” Matteo said smiling defensively. “You’re early!”  
  
Amira laughed, got up from the table, and came over to him. “We didn’t take the camels this time. I wanted to get here as fast as I could to witness Florenzian history.”  
  
“I can’t even pretend to be mad at you, jeez,” Matteo said. He pulled Amira into a hug and she hugged him back.  
  
Then, before he knew it, Amira pulled him over to sit next to her at the table. He stayed, and ended up chatting with the girls for quite a while. He enjoyed sharing the time with them, but when they decided to go dance, mingle and get more food, he opted to stay put.  
  
He sat alone at the table for a few minutes, recharging and turning over one of Linn’s figurines in his hand.  
  
“You alright?” Leonie asked. Matteo looked up and saw both Leonie and Laura on the other side of the table looking at him with some kind of mix of friendliness and mild concern.  
  
“Yeah, just taking a minute,” Matteo said. He set down the figurine and smiled up at them. “You know, neurodivergence.”  
  
“I guess,” Leonie said, taking a seat across from him. “David never gets into more detail than that. I mean, anyone can notice you can get quiet and need to ‘take minutes’, but we’ve never exactly talked about it.”  
  
“Not that you have to tell us anything, of course,” Laura said. She took a seat down next to Leonie. “It’s just, we’re all family, so we want to support you however we can and make sure you know you can always count on us.”  
  
“Yeah, you guys are a pretty epic family. Pity the fool who messes with one of you,” Matteo said. Then he huffed out a happy puff of air from his nose. “Which I guess includes me now. Which, like, thanks. It’s pretty cool to look around and see everyone here and know that we all have each other’s backs. Like, I’d do anything for all these people.”  
  
“One in particular,” Leonie said. She raised her eyebrows as she looked to Laura, who just smiled and rolled her eyes.  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said slowly. Then, thinking with his gut, he leaned forward. “Just in case you’re curious, I have depression and a developmental disorder. It basically just means that my brain works in a different way that sometimes makes life hard. But sometimes it makes life really awesome. Both at once, most of the time, actually. As weird as it sounds, I wouldn't trade this brain and this life for the world.”  
  
“I don’t think it’s weird to love yourself,” Laura said.   
  
“Yeah, I think it’s badass,” Leonie said earnestly.  
  
“Well,” Matteo said, smiling lopsidedly. “You would know how to define badass,”  
  
Leonie’s eyes shifted away. “I try, at least.”  
  
“That’s all you can ask of yourself,” Matteo said. He sat up straight in his chair and grabbed Linn’s figurine again as he looked at Leonie. “I learned that from figuring out to live with my neurodivergence. That, and a lot of other things about hope and self-acceptance and agency and the power we all have. Actually, I think my neurodivergence is what taught me how to fight for justice. Yeah, it definitely is.”  
  
Matteo sat back in his chair, satisfied and feeling the slightest tears in his eyes at the truth he realized within himself. So internally fulfilled, he barely even noticed Leonie and Laura looking at each other knowingly. He just sat with the feeling a little bit, then turned his head and saw David across the party, sitting at a table with Jonas and Amira, laughing fondly and closely. Matteo smiled.  
  
“You should go tell him what you just told us,” Laura said. “He would love it.”  
  
“He knows,” Matteo said. He stared at David longingly for a moment more, then turned back to Leonie and Laura as he started to get up. “But, still, I’m, you know—”  
  
“Go,” Leonie said. She wore the most genuine smile Matteo had ever seen from her.  
  
Matteo smiled back at her, set down the figurine, and set off for David, Jonas, and Amira. When he reached them, he laughed.  
  
“My boyfriend and my two best friends together without me,” he said. “I don’t know whether I should be happy or terrified.”  
  
“Terrified,” Amira said at the same time that Jonas said, “Happy.” They turned to each other, then fell into each other laughing.  
  
“Feel whatever you want, my love,” David said. He reached up for Matteo. Still giggling a little, he fell down sideways onto David’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck. “Also,” David whispered. “I know you’re a hypocrite. You were just over there with Laura and Leonie.”  
  
Matteo shook his head and laughed again. “You always calling out royal hypocrisy, shhh.” Matteo shoved his face away, but was glad David turned back to look at him as his soft, private laugh came through his smiling lips.  
  
The four of them continued to sit around the table, talking and watching the rest of the party guests dancing to music Sara and a few of her musician friends played well into the night. But everything stopped when the advisor who was in charge of the bias-free ballot-counting team came out to the garden.  
  
Matteo, David, Jonas, and Amira all got up and joined everyone. They all stood in the grass, silent with bated breath as they waited to hear the official results. Matteo had always thought that he would feel beyond anxious in this moment. And he was, his heart beating out of his chest and his hand clasped tight around David’s. But at the same time, he had never been more focused on listening, on being present in a lovely way, on taking in the moment so he could remember it forever.  
  
Then, the advisor spoke.  
  
“Brevity is the soul of wit, so I will just say this. The Florenzian people, with 84% of the vote, have decided to end the monarchy. The transition to democracy will commence immediately.”  
  
Matteo froze in pure joy as the whole party erupted in cheers. There was clapping, there was shouting, there was crying. People jumped up and down, they threw white and gold confetti left and right, they breathed elation into the air. And for a moment, all Matteo could do was stand there, awed as the extraordinary feeling of righteous and well-earned victory filled his body. He let that blissful feeling take him over until he was overflowing with everything good he could think of.  
  
Then he looked to David. Matteo filled with even more loveliness at the sight of him.   
  
David stood, still frozen in the moment. His glistening eyes were turned up to the dark sky that shone with the light of thousands upon thousands of stars coming together for one singular purpose. Matteo could sense the vibrant and glorious disbelief radiating off him. It wasn’t the kind of disbelief that David had fought against. It was the kind he had fought for. It was the kind of disbelief that whispered, _I can’t believe I believe this moment is real._  
  
Matteo never wanted the moment to end. Watching the love of his life soaking up the beauty of his life coming together, his work paying off and all his growth fortifying within him was a brilliantly gorgeous sight that Matteo knew he would forever hold in his heart in its purest form.  
  
Then, David looked down from the sky and to Matteo. The beautiful enchantment in his eyes didn’t change one bit. Matteo was reminded, as he was so often, of how much David cherished him. He wanted to take in all that love at the same time he wanted to give it back. Matteo felt torn between those two acts for a split second but smiled goofily as he remembered the foundation of their relationship. _We treasure each other’s love and give each other our own love at the same time every moment we are together. That’s what makes this thing we share so beautiful. God, this moment is beautiful. He’s beautiful._  
  
Matteo watched as David’s lips turned up into an eclectic smile, almost as if he could read Matteo’s thoughts as they stared into each other’s eyes. Before Matteo could think his way to wrapping David up in his arms, David stepped forward and pulled Matteo in close by the waist.  
  
Foreheads resting against each other, Matteo’s mind caught up and gave him words. “You did it,” he whispered.  
  
“We did it,” David said. His voice was strong and gentle, so Matteo just had to lift his hands to David’s face and kiss him. Full and passionate, they kissed as confetti rained down around them, the music started up and the garden erupted in even louder cheers. David pulled back from the kiss, smiling with so much happiness.  
  
Matteo smiled back at David and started to go in for another kiss, but David looked away at Jonas who was right next to them.  
  
“And by ‘we,’” Jonas shouted. He excitedly held his arms out, gesturing to the crowd who all turned to look at him. “You mean all of us, right?”  
  
David smiled down to the ground for a moment, then looked up as he pulled away. Matteo was confused for a moment but saw David’s face light up with the power of the politician and change-maker within him. “Every damn one of us!” David shouted, pointing emphatically. “In this garden, on the other side of that wall and across the whole kingdom—all of us!”  
  
“Well, 84% of us,” Leonie called out from across the garden. “But still, to the revolution!”  
  
“To the people of Florenzia!” David shouted, throwing a fist in the air triumphantly. “May our light never go out!”  
  
The crowd cheered in response, then Matteo proudly felt his body roar to life as words appeared within him and rocket out, bold and ecstatic. “To Florenzia!” he shouted. He laughed a bit as he threw his fist into the air. “May it be ours!”  
  
Everyone shouted back, “Our Florenzia!” then the cheers picked back as everyone clapped and threw their own fists in the air. Matteo smiled as he looked around the garden. Then it all turned into a blur of hugs and high fives and pats on the back that felt so right to Matteo. He wasn’t even entirely sure who he talked to or danced with, but he was fairly certain he made his way to everyone as the sky grew darker and the stars brighter. He was so in the moment and overjoyed that he focused on nothing but appreciating the time with the people who had led the charge of change with him.  
  
His focus was on that. And the nagging feeling in his gut that he had left something back in that moment with David. He wasn’t sure what, but Matteo had this feeling that told him he and David were far from done for the night. He didn’t know exactly what that meant, but Matteo knew his gut was never wrong.  
  
But then he caught David’s eyes across the garden and he knew.  
  
All the people who danced and cheered between them disappeared as Matteo lost his breath. Eyes locked with David, he couldn’t do anything but stare into his soul with so much pride, love, and affection. And desire. Matteo’s lips parted at that realization which came up from his toes and took over his whole body. It was delicate and caring as it filled his veins, strong and comforting as it absorbed into his skin, motivating and the best kind of overwhelming as it settled into his heart, irresistible and electric as it lit up his whole being. It was exactly like David.  
  
David who stared back at him with that same unfathomable love and longing. David who looked just as breathless as he was breathtaking. David who glowed with so much more passion and enchantment than Matteo had ever seen. David who he didn’t dare look away from.  
  
Matteo finally took a deep breath, remembering somewhere in his consciousness that he needed air to live. Matteo would have believed it if David was the only life-force he needed in that moment. But he breathed in nonetheless, and his lungs filled all the way. His body took the air, he closed his eyes for a moment, and his mind found the words. They didn’t even come close to capturing the way he felt, the way his body was alive, and the way he could feel their intimacy in his bones. But they were enough to propel Matteo to take a step forward.  
  
_I want to be with him._  
  
Feet steady on the ground, Matteo saw David take the same step towards him. And another. And another. And so Matteo started walking too, his heart beating fast and strong as his mind moved forward with him. _I’m ready. I know it. But anything is enough. David is enough. He always is. Always will be._  
  
Matteo stopped thinking at the same time he stopped walking. David was right in front of him in the middle of the garden as if nothing else existed. David stared right at him like it was Matteo who was enough, like Matteo was all that he wanted, however he could give himself to David.  
  
So, Matteo stepped even closer because he wanted that. He wanted to give all of himself to David. Then, David reached out for his hand. Gentle at first, he grabbed it, then held it comfortably tight. Matteo raised his other hand to David’s lower back and pulled him in as David took the tiniest, most willing step to him. David pressed their foreheads together and Matteo could hear him breathing heavily as he closed his eyes. Matteo, too, closed his eyes at the sheer reverence of the moment.   
  
Then, a moment later, Matteo opened his mouth and spoke, soft and low. “I don’t care what we do tonight. I just want to be intimate with you. Us. Together.”   
  
Matteo opened his eyes as he felt himself lose his breath yet again. The sound of David’s heartbeat soothed him. Then, he watched David’s lips turn up in the smallest, most beautiful smile Matteo had ever seen. “Me too,” David said.   
  
Matteo’s whole body eased and excited at the euphoric sound of those words. He pulled David closer at the same time that David lifted a hand to Matteo’s face. Together, they stood there, taking in every aspect of the moment between them. Then, David gently rubbed his thumb over Matteo’s cheekbone and opened his eyes. He tenderly looked up at Matteo, vulnerable and strong at the same time.  
  
Matteo could have searched for the words to tell him how simultaneously excited, nervous, and sure he was, but he knew he would have all the time in the world to express himself and to listen to David do the same once they were truly alone. He knew they would draw the curtains, suspend themselves in their intimacy and give each other their all, needs and fears and nerves and desires alike. The time would be theirs, and so it would be beautiful.  
  
That is what Matteo knew above all else as he used their clasped hands to lead David out of the garden. And it was clearly what David knew as well as he took the stairs one step at a time with Matteo. And it was most definitely what they both knew as they locked the door, drew the curtains, and found each other anew in the profoundest sense they had ever known.   
  
— — — 10 — — — 

David woke up slowly the next morning. He let himself groggily acclimate to the feeling of being awake after hours of excellent, rejuvenating sleep. His body came to gradually, and his mind eased into full sentences as he remembered the new world he was waking up in. _The monarchy. We ended it. We. The greatest friends. The most amazing family. And Matteo. Oh, wow. Matteo._ David got chills and smiled softly to himself as memories of the night they had shared came flooding back.  
  
Then he turned over in bed and realized he was alone. David sat up almost immediately, mind back to full sentences which all sounded like variations of _I hope he’s okay, where is he?_ David looked around the room a little and noticed the curtains were half open on one side of the bed. He peered out and saw a note on the bedside table. He scooted over with a stifled smile and grabbed it.  
  
He repositioned the comforter over his lower body, a little cold from the morning air on his bare skin, and looked down affectionately at what Matteo had left for him. Scrawled across the top of the paper were the familiar words, “Don’t worry” with a heart drawn next to them. Then underneath, there was a cute little stick figure drawing of him and Matteo. All around them, there were kindergarten level stars with a few hearts and peace signs scattered about. At the bottom of the page, Matteo had written a few more words; “It’s true this time, you have no reason to worry. I’m literally just downstairs and should totally come find me and tease me for my shitty art skills. Love you so much.”  
  
David smiled fully. There wasn’t a pang of worry or of guilt in sight as he threw back the comforters, got dressed, and went down to the throne room. Sure enough, there Matteo sat, slumped over and pensive on the throne.  
  
David stopped and leaned against the doorway with his hands in his pockets as he admired Matteo. The rising sun illuminated him beautifully.  
  
“I thought I might find you here,” David said, fond and smug.  
  
Matteo turned his head to look at him. He stretched out his arms in front of his chest and smiled. “I knew you would.”  
  
“What’s up this morning?” David asked with care. He pushed himself off the doorjamb and waited attentively for Matteo's answer.  
  
“Just, a lot of thoughts on my mind, you know? I didn’t want to wake you, but I needed to get out of bed and move around to process and I guess I sort of just found myself here,” Matteo said wistfully. He looked down briefly, then back up at David with the slightest blush that David felt lucky to know Matteo enough to notice. “And before you ask, I’m feeling okay about everything we did last night.”  
  
“Just okay?” David asked. He tilted his head and started walking over to Matteo as his cute little blush intensified. “Because I’m feeling pretty damn great. Last night was…”  
  
David trailed off as he meandered down the carpet to the throne and lost the ability to express how much he loved being with Matteo like that.  
  
“Beautiful,” Matteo suggested. “Because we were so close and there was nothing holding us back and the moment was right and it was all so deeply intimate in a way that felt so familiar and new all at once, a way that we know will stay with us every time we are together no matter what we do?”  
  
David breathed deep as he stepped right up in front of Matteo and smiled meaningfully. “Exactly,” David said. He felt a twinge of affection in his chest. “I love your mind.”   
Matteo tilted his head contently and reached his arms out to David. David felt weightless as he stepped up onto the platform that held up the throne. He turned and sat down in Matteo’s lap, looking up at him as they settled in together. David leaned his back against the arm of the chair and intertwined his fingers with Matteo’s.  
  
David was just about to reapproach the subject of _what’s on your mind_ when Matteo looked up to the ceiling. “I’m not going to be royal anymore,” he said quietly. He untangled and retangled their fingers, slow and repetitive. “I know I want that, but it’s just weird to really think about.”  
  
“Well, you still have seven months of officially being King Matteo,” David said. “Even if you can’t really do anything. Unless, of course, me and Jonas and the rest of the transition team declare the kingdom to be in a state of emergency.”  
  
“See, when you say that, I swing the other way. I can’t wait for this to be over,” Matteo said with a little laugh. “Like, I can’t wait seven months to go to Yogalla.”  
  
“Then don’t,” David said casually. Matteo looked down at him curiously. “We’ve survived plenty of seven months periods without a kingdom-wide emergency. And if you have to come back early for whatever reason, that will be fine. You can always go back and finish later.”  
  
“You think the kingdom can manage without me for a few weeks during the transition?”  
  
“Yes, I do,” David said. He sat up taller, lifting off the arm of the throne behind him. “You’ve done amazing work setting up a system that can flourish without you. I mean, the system will miss you and be glad to have you back, but the system has grown a lot and loves its life and will have a lot to keep it busy and has learned from you how to be the man he was always destined to be. And, you know, the system can always write you letters.”  
  
“Yeah, the system,” Matteo said slyly. David blushed and looked down at his lap on top of Matteo’s.  
  
“I do mean that you’ve done great work with Florenzia, but yeah, I will miss you a lot,” David said. Then, he felt Matteo’s hand under his chin and smiled. Matteo lifted his head up and he drank in Matteo’s reassuring eyes. “But I know how much this means to you and I want you to have this. I really do. And, like I said; I know I’m more than capable of a few weeks on my own. Because I won’t really be on my own. I have so many amazing people and things in my life. And, you know, even if it was just me in this world, I trust myself enough to stand on my own two feet, genuine and true to every aspect of myself. And that’s thanks to you lighting up my life like you do so brilliantly and powerfully just by being the incredible person you are.”  
  
“And you being brave enough to let the light in,” Matteo said. He caressed David’s cheek, then dropped his hand down to David’s lap with a sudden spark of confidence setting him aglow. “Brave, just like I was and still am.”  
  
David put his hand on top of Matteo’s and basked in the light of his proud smile. “There is so much bravery and courage and power in you.”  
  
“And you’re a big part of how I can see that and say it out loud,” Matteo said. “I’ve come so far thanks to having you in my life. I mean, I wouldn’t be sitting here— monarchy officially ending, my identity as a gay, neurodivergent justice worker solidified, my trip to Yogalla at the tip of my fingertips, and so much powerful love in my life— if it weren’t for you, my amazingly sunny, politician of a boyfriend.”  
  
Overcome with love, David shifted in Matteo’s lap and leaned into him. Matteo put an arm around his back to support him and David put both his arms around Matteo’s waist. Then when he was comfortable, David set his head on Matteo’s shoulder. “We really have come a long way.”  
  
“Yeah,” Matteo said. Matteo lazily ran his fingers up and down David’s upper arm, and out his peripheral vision, David saw Matteo close his eyes. “Us and this kingdom both.”  
  
David smiled, and closed his eyes, thinking about just how right Matteo was. Everything in their lives and in the life of Florenzia was different, changed for the better. Everything but one thing, one thing that didn’t need to change and never would, he realized.   
  
David opened his eyes and glanced up at the banner that hung on the wall to the right of the throne. Matteo must have noticed the subtle shift of David’s head because he too opened his eye and looked over at the banner.  
  
A determined and joyful smile danced onto David’s lips as he dug his fingers into Matteo’s side. “Hey, you want to watch me paint something?”  
  
“Always,” Matteo said. David hopped up from Matteo’s lap and put a hand out to help him out of the throne.  
  
From there, David went back upstairs to get his paint set and Matteo went down to the kitchen to grab the danishes he had baked a few days prior. Then, they meet back up on the main floor and David led Matteo outside with a sparkle in his eye.  
  
When David shimmed through the gate in the castle wall and looked back at Matteo through the bars, he saw everything come together in Matteo’s eyes.  
  
“I can’t with you,” Matteo said affectionately. He handed David the box of danishes and slid through the gate to be with him on the other side. David leaned in to kiss Matteo on the cheek, but with his hands full he was defenseless against how Matteo turned his head and captured his lips, not that David minded.  
  
They separated, and Matteo moved to sit on the ground a few feet away from the castle wall. He grabbed a danish, then began to stim with the grass that grew up through the pavement and looked up at David attentively.  
  
David stepped up to the wall and glanced up at it. It was tall, but not as tall as he remembered it being the first time he painted a mural on it. Nonetheless, David knew he had all the space he needed to paint the masterpiece that was brewing in his head even without the magic roaring to life. When it did, brush in his hand and the scent of paint calling out to him, the image intensified and he got to work.  
  
He didn’t paint as fast as he knew he could because he had no reason to rush, but he still quickly finished covering a large section of the stone wall with brilliant color and all his love for Florenzia. He took a step back, looked up at it, and decided it was complete. He turned around and joined Matteo on the ground.  
  
Matteo sat up a little as David settled cross-legged next to him. Matteo slung an arm around David’s shoulders as they took in the mural together.  
  
It was a striking snapshot of a democratic Florenzia. Past, present, and future generations of Florenzians from all walks of life, backgrounds, and groups covered the wall. The mural captured the vivid diversity of Florenzia that had always been there, hiding beneath the surface and too afraid to burst out in bold color. But there it all was on the wall; all shapes and ages, all sizes and skin tones, all abilities, and religious affiliations, all genders, and orientations, all professions, and passions. It was Florenzia— the people who made it what it was and what it would grow to be. Each and every one of them shined with a light from within that glowed around them. And all of those lights came together to shine down upon everyone through the words that were courageously and luminously painted in the middle of the mural.  
  
“Light Shines Eternal,” Matteo read aloud.   
  
The words hung in the air and David smiled as he looked to Matteo. His mind presented him with words that he knew were a bit cheesy and romantic, but so true and so lovely that David just had to wrap his arm around Matteo’s lower back and say them to him.  
  
“It sure does.”  
  
“Hey!” Matteo called out, turning to look at David. “I was going to say that!”  
  
David laughed as Matteo moved on top of him in the cutest, most wonderful play tackle he had ever seen. David caught his wrists and held him back as he too laughed. Matteo pressed harder against David and David feigned falling to the ground in defeat. That just made Matteo slap his shoulder and collapse on top of him in a fit of giggles that was far too contagious.  
  
David half thought to keep up the play fighting, but with Matteo laughing hard into the crook of his neck and gripping at his hips, all he could do was kiss him. Lips together, their laughter eventually subsided. Eventually, their combination of soft and deep kisses subsided too.  
  
Matteo settled on the ground next to David, head on his shoulder. Slowly, they both caught their breaths and looked back up at the mural. Matteo reached over and found David’s hand.  
  
David glanced over at Matteo, knowing there were words forming in his incredible mind. David couldn’t wait to hear them, just like he couldn’t wait to live the rest of his life with Matteo.  
  
“A lot of things are going to keep changing around here,” Matteo said. “But ‘Light Shines Eternal’ is too infinitely true to ever be one them.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Like, seriously, thank you so much for going on this journey with me. This fic has been an absolute labor of love that I never saw coming, but I am so happy to have in my life. I have learned so much about writing, the world, and myself through writing Light Shines Eternal and I will forever be grateful for this experience. I’ve spent nine months wrapped up in the world of Florenzia, so it’s going to be weird to let this one go, but (for now? maybe? never say never?) it’s time to leave this universe be and let myself breathe a little bit. 
> 
> I do plan on returning to my canon-compliant Autistic Matteo series, What Is It Exactly, so you can hopefully be on the lookout for that in the coming months. I will always be active over on my Tumblr (gleedegrassi-bigfan) if you ever want to chat, ask me questions, whatever! 
> 
> I really do want to express my gratitude again to each and every one of you who have read this fic and supported me through this journey. We all know that the world got a lot more challenging and complicated in 2020; this fic and you all have truly been my light in the dark. (haha, I’m never going think about light in the same way). I hope this fic has been able to bring you some joy during these times as well. I sincerely hope that you all are as well as possible and are doing your best to take care of yourself. If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out. 
> 
> Wishing you all the best and sending so much love to each of y’all. <3 
> 
> -Harper


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